Chapter 10

Elizabeth spent the rest of the day trying to get Rodney to talk to her, but it was useless. In the process of trying to get him to speak, she had run the gantlet of emotions. At first, she had been guilt-ridden, but after his silence had reached an hour, she had grown concerned. She had ignored Sheppard's knocks at the door—hell, she hardly heard him. She was too engrossed in trying to get Rodney to talk to really notice anything else around her. After another few hours she had grown increasingly agitated until now, well past midnight, she was pacing back and forth across her room in a rage.

"Goddammit, Rodney, I said I was sorry!" Elizabeth shouted, relieved that the rooms were at least mostly soundproof. There were guards stationed around at this time of night to patrol the inhabited parts of the city and the last thing she needed was for one to come busting into her room at one o'clock in the morning because she had been yelling at the top of her lungs. "What more do you want? Do you think I enjoyed hitting you? No! But you were getting out of control. I had to do it. You have to understand that."

Of course, he really didn't have to understand that. If there was one thing she had learned about Rodney McKay, it was that he didn't have to do anything. He generally did exactly what he wanted to do no matter what everyone else was telling him. Which was one of the many things Elizabeth admired about the scientist, because of all his apparent flaws and insecurities, he was a very self-assured man who could trust in at least one thing. His own abilities.

Well… most of the time, anyway. One learned to overlook the occasional… er… slip up. It wasn't like he had blown up a solar system or anything. Yet.

Elizabeth shook her head. The bad thing about trying to talk to someone inside your head was that your thoughts tended to run away in some other direction, which she did not want to happen now. Right now she needed to focus on Rodney. At this point she didn't care what it was she focused on him—anger, sadness, guilt. She would do whatever she had to to get him talking to her again.

"Look, Rodney," she said, forcing a calming tone into her voice, "I really am sorry. I… hitting you was the last thing I wanted to do. But you wouldn't listen to me and… and I didn't know what else to do. I was getting frightened and… and… God, Rodney, won't you say something?"

As she had come to expect, she got only silence. And not only was his voice silent—once she had gotten her own emotions under control she had realized that she couldn't feel any of Rodney's. Which, if he was as upset as she thought he was, she should have been able to do pretty easily. It was as if he had entirely blocked her, sectioning himself off from her in some corner of her brain that she couldn't reach. Which had made her all the more upset—not exactly angry anymore. Just very… hurt. He had all but dropped his personal shield around her from day one—well, almost day one. In Antarctica, at any rate. He had never let it completely disintegrate, but it had never been so obvious when he was around her. She could practically see it when he was around other people, could almost see it shimmering like that Ancient personal shield he had played around with during their first few days in Atlantis. But when she was with him, or when he stood close, it nearly vanished. Elizabeth didn't know if it was simply because he was more comfortable around her or… he wanted to let her inside his defenses. That was a thought that had never really occurred to her before and she stopped her restless, angry pacing when it struck her.

Had that been the reason all along? Had it been because he felt not only more comfortable, but because he wanted her to be close? Had she been ignoring it the entire time she had known him?

No. She hadn't. If she had been, she wouldn't have seen it. She wouldn't have even noticed the wall unless she knew it was gone around her. Which meant she had been looking for it. Which meant…

Elizabeth sat down heavily on the edge of her bed and stared blankly at some point on the wall.

It had been there all the time. For both of them. She just… what? Had gotten so used to it that she didn't notice anymore? No, that wasn't the case. Because the more she thought about it, the more it started to make sense. Her own behavior started to make sense: always sensing him before anyone else did, always tolerating him when no one else could, always wanting him around when no one else did. She could feel him when he stood close enough, could feel the heat of him and she had always felt more balanced when he was around. It was if he had unintentionally acted as a prop for her, holding her up when she most needed to be held. He was always standing behind her, or beside her, balancing her and keeping her steady when she should have been sprawled on the floor with the weight of her responsibilities.

But, no. It hadn't been unintentional. He had known, hadn't he? He had known what he was doing for her. That was why he had always been there for her.

Why he had stepped in front of a gun for her.

Elizabeth covered her face with her hands. How could she have been so blind? How could she not have realized her own feelings? Or, more importantly, why had she buried them so deeply?

Elizabeth took a deep breath and wished desperately that Rodney would talk to her. She needed to talk to him… To tell him that she had been trying to push back what she had been feeling because she had been worried… afraid that she would destroy what they had so beautifully constructed. Theirs was a friendship that only came once in a lifetime, a friendship so deep and grounded that no words needed to be said. A simple touch or subtle glance was all that was needed to convey a lifetime of words and feelings. How love had gotten lost in the translation, Elizabeth would never know. Or rather… why they had both pushed it so deep, she would never know.

Stop lying to yourself, Elizabeth! She berated herself. You were scared! He was scared. You were both too damned afraid to say anything and now… and now he's gone somewhere where you can't even touch him!

Elizabeth took a deep breath to calm herself and let her hands drop into her lap.

Something needed to be done. She couldn't just let him hide like this. He needed to know how she felt. What he did after that was up to him, but she needed Rodney to know.

"Rodney." Elizabeth tried again, this time forcing all of her thoughts into that single word. She didn't know if he was ignoring her or if he really couldn't hear her anymore, wherever he had gone, but somehow she would make him hear and make him listen. "Rodney, will you please talk to me? Will you give me something?"

Still nothing. It was like trying to talk into a radio that had been switched off—no static or anything. She would have been a little less worried if she had been able to feel him—his anger or fear or sadness. She would have been perfectly happy with any of them at this point.

Elizabeth closed her eyes and tried again, once again forcing all of her strength into thought alone. She was beginning to get a headache.

"Rodney, will you answer me? I need to feel you. I need to hear you. Rodney, I need to know where you are." Elizabeth squeezed her eyes so tightly closed that tears leaked from the corners and her head was beginning to throb. "Talk to me, Rodney. Let me hear you. Let me feel you. Let me know that you are okay. You don't have to forgive me. You don't even have to like me anymore. Just… Rodney, please talk to me."

Okay, this was starting to get really difficult. Her head hurt so much at this point that it felt as if her skull was about to burst in half. Her stomach was beginning to churn and she had to double over to keep from throwing up. She knew she should have stopped, or at least should have gone to Carson or Heightmeyer or… someone. But she needed to do this now. Any time she wasted in getting help was time she let Rodney slip away from her. And suddenly she knew that he was slipping away from her. When he had given her body back he had done more than that—he had given everything back. He had vanished… somewhere. He had to still be in there, though, hiding. But if she didn't find him soon, he would disappear entirely and cease to be, or so she feared.

But as she concentrated more and more on trying to contact him, fear rapidly gave way to certainty. Every fiber of her being screamed at her that Rodney was in trouble. He was lost, hiding, afraid and hurt. He was miserable and trapped somewhere where he couldn't get out again. He needed her help and she needed him. Elizabeth had never once considered herself to be a hero or a soldier or anything other than a diplomat—a talker. But right now, for him, she would be everything she needed to be.

Elizabeth got to her feet and went to the small desk she had pushed against one wall. It was all but barren because whenever she needed to do paperwork she merely stayed in her office outside the control room. But there were a few sheets of paper and the odd pen here and there. And that was all she needed. She grabbed a pen that she knew had ink still in it and quickly scribbled a note. She read it over once and took a deep breath, trying to steady her heart. Swallowing against the knot in her throat, she clutched the paper in her hand and went back to the bed.

She lay down on her back in the center of the bed and stared up at the ceiling. The same part of her mind that told her Rodney was in trouble also told her that this was a very, very bad idea to attempt this alone. But she had no time. Rodney had no time. She was loosing him.

"Rodney, I want you to know, that if you can hear me, you are a total ass for running away from me and making me do this." Elizabeth said dryly. She closed her eyes and smiled. "But I'm coming to find you. Just let me find you and I will forgive you forever."