Chapter 12

It wasn't what she had expected. She assumed that this was supposed to be her subconscious, but she wondered why it brought her back here, of all places.

Elizabeth stepped out onto the wind-swept balcony. She shivered as the cold breeze swirled around her, teasing her hair and forcing her to pull her jacket closer to her body to keep out the cold spray coming off the sea. She looked around and shivered again, but not from the wind. She was at one of Atlantis's grounding stations, the one that had been damaged during the hurricane last year, and the memories she had of this place were not all together… pleasant.

Elizabeth grew increasingly more puzzled. She had always assumed that ones subconscious would be a place they had fond memories of, not a place that they feared. So why would her subconscious…?

"Because it's not yours."

Elizabeth jumped and whirled around, so her back was to the sea. Rodney stood in the doorway leading out onto the balcony, a powerbook in his hands. He wasn't wearing his jacket and Elizabeth shivered again—this time from the sight of Rodney in his blue undershirt and trousers. His short hair was slightly disheveled from the wind, but his eyes were bright and focused and he seemed completely unaffected by the cold.

"This is my subconscious and what the hell are you doing here anyway?" he asked, his voice light and unconcerned as he passed her. He glanced at her once and Elizabeth paused. He didn't look frightened or hurt or angry. He looked… like he always did around her. Comfortable, laid back, unconcerned. It was as if everything that had happened had… never happened.

"I… uh, I came to find you, actually." Elizabeth said slowly. Rodney glanced back at her as he strode to the railing overlooking the ocean, his blue eyes puzzled.

"Hm." He grunted. "Something I can help you with?"

"No… well, yes. Rodney—what are you doing here? Why did you leave?"

Rodney, standing at the railing, glanced up from his powerbook and looked back at her.

"What do you mean? This is my subconscious. I can come here whenever I want." Rodney smiled and this time Elizabeth could see a faint trace of sadness there. "I thought you would have appreciated the quiet."

Elizabeth sighed. Okay, so obviously he remembered what had occurred earlier. Whether or not that was going to make bringing him back any easier… Elizabeth, still holding her jacket closed to keep out the wind, stepped down to Rodney's level of the grounding station, slowly crossing the balcony until she stood behind him, barely a foot separating the two of them. Rodney didn't turn around to face her and Elizabeth sighed, hugging her arms close to her body to keep warm and envying the fact that Rodney seemed unaffected.

"I don't like it when you're quiet, Rodney. Especially when it's because you ran away. From me."

Rodney flinched but didn't turn around. He continued to tap away at his powerbook.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He said calmly. Elizabeth heard the slight catch in his voice, though. He was lying to her.

"Rodney, I think you do." Elizabeth said softly. She sighed and rubbed her arms, glancing around the cold balcony. Deciding the direction she was taking wasn't working, she tried a different one. "Why here?"

"What do you mean?" Rodney asked, impatience creeping into his voice. He was still tapping furiously away at his powerbook.

"Why this?" Elizabeth opened her arms to take in the entire balcony and the seascape beyond. "Why do you come here? Why is this your subconscious?"

Rodney didn't pause in his typing, nor did he answer her. Elizabeth sighed and moved to stand beside him. She saw him glance at her, but only for a moment, before his eyes were riveted once again on the screen in front of him. Elizabeth looked out at the ocean and shivered again.

"When I got here I thought this was my subconscious. And I was confused because I hated this place. I still hate this place. Ever since Koyla and the storm…" Elizabeth's voice broke briefly and she closed her eyes, trying to regain control over her emotions. "Well, I've tried to avoid this place as often as possible. Which makes me curious why you, of all people, would want to come back here?"

Rodney paused briefly and looked as if he was considering answering, before he shook his head and went back to whatever he was doing. Elizabeth's mouth tightened in irritation.

"Rodney," she used the tone on him that always brought his head up, "why are you here?"

Rodney made a sound that might have been a laugh, but it was cold and sad and had no sound of mirth in it at all. It was a sound Rodney made when he was uncomfortable, hurt… trying to hide. Was Elizabeth really making him that uncomfortable?

"You wouldn't understand." He said finally, his soft voice filled with pain and sadness.

Elizabeth folded her arms and turned to face Rodney directly.

"Try me."

Rodney looked up, his ocean-blue eyes reflecting surprise that she would care. Elizabeth felt a momentary pang of anger. Of course she would care! He was her chief scientist, yes, but he was her best friend before all of that and she cared. Of course, it was none of her business to be digging around in his subconscious, so if he decided not to answer…

His motionless fingers hovering over his powerbook, Rodney sighed and looked out at the ocean.

"This place helps me think." Rodney shook his head and looked down at the computer and began typing again. "When I can't think straight, I always come here to clear my thoughts. And when I'm stuck in my lab trying to think of some genius plan to save the city, again, I focus my thoughts on this place."

"It helps you think?" Elizabeth glanced around and raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes, really, and what are you still doing here anyway?" Rodney snapped irritably. Okay, not a very friendly Rodney but at least a Rodney she was more used to. Elizabeth could deal with this. But she had to be very careful. It wasn't her place to pry and she wouldn't risk what foothold she had on pushing too hard. Instead she decided to say nothing and simply looked back out on the ocean. More often than not, silence was the easiest way to get through to Rodney. He was rarely quiet himself unless he was seriously hurt and when others around him were still, Rodney always grew nervous. With Elizabeth he generally grew concerned. She needed him to be concerned. She needed him to care enough to keep talking to her. Without that link of conversation, he would drift away from her and Elizabeth would be left without a way to bring him back to her. And she was not about to loose her best friend because he was afraid to talk to her. She needed him to stick around until Zelenka and the others could figure this thing out, get him back into his body and put everything back into its rightful place. Everything could be normal again.

Well, close to normal, at any rate. With Rodney nothing was ever really normal.

The wind picked up and Elizabeth shivered again, tugging her jacket closer.

"You should go back." Rodney said absently, his earlier impatience gone from his voice. Elizabeth realized he had noticed her shivering and she felt warmed by his concern—which was exactly what she had been hoping for.

"And what about you?" she asked.

"I'm staying here." He told her sharply. "Out of your way and out of your head."

Elizabeth frowned.

"Rodney…"

"Don't bother, Elizabeth." Rodney said sharply. "You made it quite clear what you thought of me. So I'll stay here, working, and you can go back to your life."

"And—what? You'll just disappear?" Elizabeth asked angrily. Rodney glanced up at her briefly, his expression unreadable, before averting his gaze again.

"It's better that way."

"How can you think that?" Elizabeth cried. Rodney shook his head. Elizabeth was loosing her temper. "Dammit, Rodney, I don't want you to just disappear. I want you to stay. Here. With me."

Rodney looked up at her in surprise and Elizabeth's heart almost shattered when she saw the look in his eyes. There was surprise, yes, but there was also hope, longing, fear, uncertainty… Rodney's eyes were always so full of emotion, but she seemed to be the only one who ever noticed.

It struck her then, that that was why she had been able to feel his emotions and he hear her thoughts. It had been natural. She could already read him better than anyone else, and he always knew what she was going to say before she even had time to form it into a coherent thought. They knew each other, felt each other, heard each other on a different level than anyone else. It was as if they were linked; by friendship, by something else, it didn't matter. The fact remained the same that if Elizabeth lost Rodney, she would be loosing part of herself as well. She needed him to understand that…

"Elizabeth…" Rodney's voice cracked and he quickly looked down at his powerbook so he wouldn't have to meet her eyes. He shook his head. "Never mind. It's for the best. Sooner or later Zelenka or one of them will figure this out and then they can fix it. But, until then, I can't stay here. I need to stay… well, here. I meant here as in there which is you, and here is… here. This place. I need to stay—"

Elizabeth stepped forward until she was almost touching Rodney and she reached around to cup his face in her hands. He froze at her touch and she could easily lift his face and turn his eyes to face hers. The blue orbs were huge with fear and doubt, but Elizabeth could still see the hope there, and the longing, and he looked as if he would pass out at any moment. Elizabeth smiled, reading him as if she were turning the pages of her book, and leaned forward so that their faces were nearly touching.

"I don't want you to stay here, Rodney." She whispered, though her voice held the hint of a command. "Not while you're still in my head."

Rodney swallowed and he trembled slightly. Elizabeth smiled again and rested her forehead against his, looking into his deep blue eyes.

"As long as you are in here with me, Rodney, you are going to stay with me." She said, her voice so quiet she could barely hear herself speaking over the sound of the wind and ocean. "Because I like it when you talk to me."

"But… but…" Rodney spluttered and he looked down at his feet, his voice almost inaudible. "But you hit me."

Elizabeth's first reaction was to pull away and storm off in exasperation. But she wouldn't do that to him. He needed her to be here, to be touching him and holding him and talking to him. He was scared and hurt and she needed to comfort and heal him. And she would do that.

"Did you hear anything I said before I found you?" Elizabeth asked sadly, trying to catch his blue-eyed gaze with hers of green. Rodney shook his head slowly, his forehead still pressed against Elizabeth's because her hands would not let him pull away. Strangely, though, she hadn't even felt him try. Elizabeth sighed and stroked the side of his face with her thumb, feeling him shiver slightly at the touch. She closed her eyes and leaned closer to him.

"I was scared, Rodney. I was loosing control and… I didn't know what else to do. You wouldn't listen to me and… I don't even know if saying sorry is good enough any more." Elizabeth felt hot tears welling beneath her eyelids and she willed them not to fall. "I didn't want to hurt you, but I did. I didn't want to frighten you away, but I did. I just wanted you to stop yelling… and you did. Oh, Rodney, I am so sorry."

Elizabeth felt Rodney move, to try and pull away, but her gentle hands kept him firmly where he was. She opened her eyes just in time to meet his, his beautiful blue gaze filling her sight so that she saw nothing but an ocean of Rodney.

"Elizabeth…" he whispered, his voice full of emotion. "I… I… I don't know what to do."

Rodney's voice nearly broke Elizabeth's heart all over again. If there was one thing Rodney could always rely on, it was himself. Elizabeth couldn't even imagine how terrified he had been when he had realized that he, the resident genius that everyone turned to to save the day in the eleventh hour, couldn't figure this out. For once his genius had momentarily failed him, leaving him at the time of his most desperate need. How frightened was he knowing that he couldn't help himself? That he couldn't help her?

No wonder he had been so irritable and uncomfortable. And no wonder he had wanted so desperately to stay in the lab. He wanted to help. He wanted to know that he could do something.

"You'll figure this out, Rodney." She whispered. "And I'll help you. But you have to come back. We need to do this together."

"I don't want to hurt you…" Rodney whispered. Elizabeth swallowed passed the lump in her throat.

"You won't."

"How can you be so—"

"Because I know you, Rodney McKay." Elizabeth said sharply. "And because I trust you. More than anyone else. And if anyone can take care of me and keep me safe, it's you. I trust you."

Rodney swallowed and raised his eyes to look at her.

"Do you know why I come here?" he asked her softly. Elizabeth frowned. He had already told her this, hadn't he?

"Because it helps you think?" she asked slowly. He smiled and closed his eyes, nodding slowly.

"Yes, that. But there's a reason…" Rodney took a deep breath and looked at her again. "Last year, when Koyla stormed the city, I was certain I was going to loose you. He threatened you—that knife thing he did to me wasn't what got me to spill."

"Your nightmares." Elizabeth breathed. "You said he threatened people you knew…"

Rodney snorted, his breath warm on Elizabeth's face.

"He tried threatening Sheppard, but I told him that the damned major—colonel… whatever—had more lives than my cat and the likelihood of any of his retard cavemen actually catching him long enough to do any of the things he promised to do was extremely slim. Koyla wasn't very happy when that one didn't work and he punched me for it."

Elizabeth frowned.

"He hurt you again? I thought it was just the knife…"

"I told Carson not to tell you. In any case, nothing actually broke. Just a nice bruise. Nothing like that scar…" Rodney sighed and frowned. "In any case, that's not the point. Look, I'm trying to tell you something here. Just… listen, okay?"

Elizabeth smiled and nodded. Rodney hadn't tried to pull away again and he seemed perfectly content to continue on the way they had been, resting their foreheads together, even as he waved his hands wildly in the air surrounding their heads. It was also nice to know that Rodney wasn't so uncomfortable that he had forgotten how to snap.

Rodney took a deep breath.

"In any case, Koyla wasn't a stupid man—unfortunately. He knew I had a weak spot and so far, cutting me and punching me hadn't revealed it. Guess I surprised him there. But then he surprised me because… well, he decided he would torture someone a little more close to home. He threatened you. He told me that if I did not tell him what he wanted to know, that he would… do things to you. Horrible things." Rodney's face twisted and Elizabeth could see the sick hatred burning in his eyes. "I wanted to kill him. I wanted to… so I told him. I wasn't about to let him touch you, so I told him."

"And you stepped in front of a gun for me." Elizabeth whispered. Rodney didn't move. He didn't nod or shake his head… even his hands went completely still.

"I don't even remember doing it." He said quietly. "I just… did it." Rodney shook his head impatiently and his hands started moving again. "Anyway, that's beside the point."

Elizabeth couldn't help but smile.

"You had a point?"

"Yes, I had a—oh, you're funny." Rodney rolled his eyes. "Sure. Tease the man showing you his bleeding heart and all that."

Elizabeth laughed softly and ran her fingers through Rodney's short hair. She felt him shiver and she pulled him closer.

"Then tell me." She whispered. Rodney gulped, momentarily at a loss for words. He wasn't really thinking that straight with Elizabeth's hands in his hair, moving and soothing and…

"I… uh… point. Right. Um…"

"Balcony." Elizabeth supplied helpfully.

"Oh! Right! Yes, that was it." Rodney nodded triumphantly and tried his best to think something that didn't have to deal with how good Elizabeth's fingers felt… He swallowed again. "Er… balcony. When we were… uh… okay, look, can you stop that for a minute? Not that I don't like it, it's just I really want to say this and it's really hard to say anything when you're… oh."

Elizabeth had removed her hands, settling them back against Rodney's face, and he was mildly disappointed that she had actually done it. It really had felt quite good. But at least now he could say what he had been trying to say.

"When we were out here, in the rain, it was like everything suddenly made sense. Everything was clear and I suddenly… knew." Rodney's eyes lit up and he smiled sort of drunkenly. "And that's why I come here. Because it was here that I was…" he waved his hands as he searched for the word. "Well, enlightened, I guess. This is where I knew."

"Knew what?" Elizabeth asked. She thought she already had the answer, but she wanted to hear him say it.

"That I loved you." He said quietly. "I had wanted to tell you at the grounding station. I had wanted to say… well, I don't exactly know what I was going to say and it was probably not as corny sounding as "I love you", but it was good at the time and seemed appropriate and it had something to do with that statement, but—"

Rodney was forced to stop talking when Elizabeth's lips covered his, cutting off any words he had been trying to stutter out. His eyes flew wide and he was still staring when Elizabeth smiled and pulled back so she could look at him.

"'I love you' suits me just fine, Rodney McKay." She said quietly. "Because I love you, too. Corny as it may be."

"Oh." Rodney breathed. "When you say it, it doesn't sound that corny."

Elizabeth laughed and leaned forward, her lips brushing his.

"Good. Because I'll be saying it when I wake up again."

Rodney grinned and opened his mouth to speak. But then a thought flashed across his mind and he looked at Elizabeth in horror.

"Wait… you're asleep?"

Elizabeth nodded, frowning in concern. What…?

"How long have you been asleep?" he asked sharply. Elizabeth shook her head.

"I don't know. A few hours. You know how time is when you're dreaming—it's all relative."

"That's the point!" Rodney shouted in alarm. "You could have already been out for days. Oh, this isn't good."

"What? Why not?"

"It's like that time when we were knocked out by those…" Rodney waved his hands. "Those mist people thingies. If they hadn't woken us up, we would have died."

"Oh." Elizabeth breathed as realization struck her. "Uh oh."

"Uh oh is right. We've got to wake you up. Now."

Elizabeth nodded and closed her eyes. When she opened them again… she was still staring at Rodney.

"Oh, no."

"Oh, no what?" Rodney snapped.

"I don't think I can." She said. "I was so busy trying to find you… I don't know how to get back."

Rodney sighed and nodded.

"I was afraid of that. You're in my mind, which means I'm going to have to get you out of here. I think I can do that, but it means that I'll be in control when you wake up."

Elizabeth smiled and nodded.

"I can deal with that." She said tensely. Rodney grinned and took her hand.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure you won't have to hit me again."

"To be honest, Rodney, I hit myself."

Rodney rolled his eyes.

"Semantics." He grumbled as he pulled her away from the balcony and back into the city.