Disclaimer: Sorry to say that I disclaim. Everything Shakespearean, Rowlingean, HP Lexiconean, Whydoyouneedtoknowean...etc., etc.
But, other than that, we're all good!
Miranda: "Alack! What trouble was I then to you!"
Prospero: "O! a cherubim thou wast, that did preserve me!
Thou didst smile, infused with a fortitude from heaven…"
----Act I, Scene II, The Tempest
THE TEMPEST
---Number Sixteen, Prosper Street ---
When Hermione Jane Granger woke up on the morning of 31st October, she didn't cry. There really was no need to, after all. Her nappy was wet, of course, but her mum and dad would change it when she showed them.
She lay in bed, her thumb in her mouth, and stared at the sunshine coming in through the windows. A couple of cars drove past making an awful racket, but she didn't mind it, really.
Her small family lived in a pretty house called Number Sixteen, Prosper Street, and it was on one of the busiest roads in town. Perhaps it was because her mum and dad both owned a dental practice that was down the block.
Hermione didn't really know much about it, of course ---- she was only two, after all ----but one thing she did know was that when mum and dad were gone, she had to go to her day care, and they were gone an awful lot.
That was another reason why she didn't cry. It was because today was Saturday, and all week she and her parents had gone around trumpeting the fact that it was only a couple of days until Saturday.
Because today, Mummy and Daddy didn't have to go to work…today they were going boating, and she would have them all to herself.
She smiled, showing her small pearly whites, and sat up, threw off her comfy red blankie and scattered her stuffed animals. Her brown curls were wild and tussled from being slept on, and she had small wrinkles on her face and a wet spot on her pillow.
She had a job to do.
David and Cordelia had put Hermione's room in the back portion of the house, so that when she took naps, the telly or the vacuum wouldn't disturb her, or any visitors coming to call. Down the hall and to the right was her parents' room, where they were undoubtedly sleeping. That was her destination.
She crawled over to the far end of the crib where the lever was. If she stood on her big stuffed lion that her mother had named Leopardis, she could reach it. She strained to touch it…a bit more…there!
The crib's rail slid down a foot, which was just enough for her to climb over the edge and dangle down until her bare feet touched the cold ground. Looking around her small room with its lovable decorations and standing on the blue rug, she decided to toddle over to the dresser.
Her nappy was sagging underneath her yellow cotton pajamas. She opened a drawer and rummaged around until she found her white undies and the baby wipes. Ah-ha! With those in hand, she reached up to turn the doorknob, tore down the hall---past the front door and the living room and the kitchen---and approached her parents' room.
The door stood in the shadows, closed and daunting. Her eyes wide and big and very brown, she transferred her small garment into the other hand and pushed the door gently open.
The curtains were drawn and the room was very dark, but the little girl could make out her mum and dad's big bed in the middle, and two big forms underneath the covers.
She smiled.
Dropping her things, she tried to climb up, but soon found it was much too high. So she grabbed onto her daddy's foot, which was sticking out over the edge, and scrambled over, shimming up onto his leg.
He hadn't moved a muscle. Hermione held her breath as she climbed in between them and settled underneath the covers. Then she stuck her frozen feet onto her mother's bare leg.
At once, her mother's eyes snapped open and Cordelia sat up, gasping.
"Whazzamatter?" David Granger muttered, turning over and falling onto his daughter.
Hermione giggled and said in a muffled voice, "Daddy! I's me! You're on me!"
David opened his eyes as well and quickly rolled off her just as Cordelia shrank back down onto her pillow, groaning. "Neenie, babe, your feet are like ice! Why don't you have your socks on?" she muttered, putting an arm around her small child.
"I'll w-w-warm them," David yawned. He reached underneath the blanket to cup Neenie's feet in his warm hands and hug them to his chest. Both his and Cordelia's eyes drooped again, and Hermione was kind enough to leave them alone until two minutes later, when they had almost fallen asleep again.
She snuggled deeper into her father's arms and brought her face right next to his ear. "Daddy! Wakey, wakey! It's Satterdy!" she whispered very loud, her little mouth inside of his ear.
David jumped again and looked at his clock.
Six o'clock, it read.
By George, he moaned inwardly, Cordelia ought to tell her not to wake us up on Saturdays.
As little Neenie got up and started jumping around on the bed, shouting "Is Satterdy! Is Satterdy!" Cordelia snuggled up close to her husband, her head on his shoulder and his arm over her back.
"David?" she whispered, Neenie's shouts waking the world.
"Hmm?" he answered comfortably.
She sighed in content and murmured, "We need to buy her a real bed…she gets out of that crib way too easily."
David chuckled softly. Hermione, the apple of his eye, had danced clear into the bathroom adjoining their room, but what she was exactly doing, he had absolutely no idea. That girl was completely unpredictable. She did things no other two-year-olds in their right minds would, or could, do. But that was why he loved her.
"Yes, my Delia, darling," he replied, yawning. His eyes peeked open for a moment to find his wife snuggled next to him, mouth open.
Apparently she had gone back to sleep.
Hermione, meanwhile, had bounced from her parents' room to the bathroom after waking them up. She then proceeded to take off her own nappy, wipe her own bum, and pull on her own little white knickers. She was quite pleased with herself, not knowing that you weren't supposed to try flushing your cloth diaper down the toilet bowl when you were through with it.
It took a full half-hour for Drs. David and Cordelia Granger to actually throw the covers off of them. Then, since they had each other, it took yet another twenty minutes to get up out of bed and make their way into the bathroom. There, a smart little surprise awaited them.
Thus began a normal harrowing Saturday morning at the Granger household.
"David, hon?" Cordelia walked into the bathroom ten minutes later where her husband was brushing his teeth. She'd just come in from turning cartoons on for Neenie in the living room.
He was bent over the sink in his flannel blue pants and white undershirt. His coarse brown hair fell over into his adorable brown eyes…the key to making Cordelia's heart melt.
"Mmmfff?" he mumbled in answer and spat in the sink.
"Were you, by any chance, wondering why the toilet was flooded when we woke up?" she asked him sweetly.
David looked at her, knowing something was up.
"Yyesss…why?" he said slowly.
Cordelia cocked her head and her wild, golden curls fell down her shoulders. "Because our daughter evidently tried to flush her wet nappy down it!" she answered.
David cracked a smile. Cordelia frowned. "It's not funny!" she hissed. "She just confessed to me and when I asked her why, do you know what she said?"
David's smile flew clean off of his face when he saw her advancing on him. "Er…no, actually," he replied. It was the wrong thing to say.
"Because you showed her how!" Cordelia snapped, "Honestly, David, do you really not know how to change a nappy? She's two years old! You've done it before, I've seen you! What would tempt you to try flushing it down the toilet? It is a cloth diaper---it is not disposable! Maybe in twenty years they'll be inventing them and you can flush seven at a time, but David?"
He smiled weakly, leaning back onto the counter. "What?"
She leaned forward. "This is not that time!"Turning tail, she marched out of the bathroom.
David followed her. When his wife got mad, she got furious, and it was better to calm her before she got too upset, which happened often. "Honey?" he asked.
Cordelia ignored him as she started changing out of her nightclothes. Her husband sat down on the bed, watching her. When he realized she wasn't going to answer, he smiled and started trying to clear his name.
"In all fairness," he began. "You were at the store and I was watching her and the garbage men had just gotten our trash and, you see, her nappy had one incredibly putrid smell---"
Cordelia crossed her arms and glared at him.
"----And I knew that if I just left it out on the washer, the whole house would stink…so I did the only sensible thing. I wadded it up until it was no bigger than a tennis ball and I flushed it. It went down without any trouble!" he added hastily.
She still remained unconvinced. David went to her and put his arms around her waist. "Cordelia?" he said softly.
She looked up at him, and he could swear he saw the corners of her mouth turn up, if only just the tiniest bit. "Yes, David?" she answered as he gazed into her wonderful blue eyes.
"I love you," he said before drawing her into a kiss.
When they broke up he said, "Now do you forgive me?"
Her eyes flew up. "You think that just because you can walk in here and sweep me off my feet that I will forgive you?"
David smiled and kissed her again. "Why, of course!"
His wife tried to hide her grin against his undershirt. When she emerged, it was gone. "I got a letter from Mother yesterday," she said.
He jerked his head up. "What?"
Cordelia smiled. "Yes…I know. It held the usual…she wants us to fly out to France to come and see her; she wants to make sure we're raising Neenie up correctly; she wants to let me know that she still thinks you're a fool and----"
He let out a short bark of laughter. "That woman never changes, does she?"
Cordelia smiled dryly. "Well, I did grow up with her, so I should know! She only changes her opinion about things if it's for her benefit. She's never liked you, but she told me to tell you that 'she is learning to accept the poor decisions of her misguided daughter'!"
"Bloody hell," he muttered, snorting derisively. "I guess those blokes knew what they were talking about when they say that when you marry a woman, you marry your mother-in-law."
"Is it that obvious?" she asked him. "So...if you knew when we married what exactly it was you were getting into, would you still have done it?"
He shook his head wryly. "I doubt it…"
Her mouth fell open, and she smacked him behind the head. "Wrong answer!"
Laughing, he fell backwards onto the bed. Would I still have done it…he thought, what a crazy question! Her mother, Miranda Snowe, is the most insane woman on the planet, but Cordelia makes up for it tenfold.
Cordelia headed over to their dresser and looked at him in the mirror. "You know, I haven't seen her in over a year. Maybe it is time to start thinking about it."
He snorted. "Cordelia, if that woman really wants to meet our child, you know very well she will do just that, and nothing will stand in her way. Why must we be the ones to put all our money, time, and energy into her every whim when she is fully capable of doing that herself? Hermione isn't even her only grandchild! Why is she being so possessive?"
His wife sighed and put down her hairbrush. She walked around the bed and stood behind him, massaging his shoulders. "Because she is my mother, David. And I know that Neenie isn't her only grandchild, technically, but do you honestly think she's going to recognize Helena as her daughter again after she's already disinherited her? To her, I'm the only one she has now, and Neenie is her last chance at living again," she said softly. David groaned and put his head in his hands.
"But where would we find the time?" he asked, exasperated. "If we really want to expand on the practice, we have to bring in more clients. We can't afford spending everything we've saved up for it! I say you write her back and tell her that if she wants to see her granddaughter, she's got to make allowances for it. We all know that she's not going to be running out of francs anytime soon! The woman's simply bathing in them!"
Cordelia glared at him. "That's not funny, David. You think I chose to grow up with the parents I had? That I wanted to be thrust into every snob school in Britain? Just because my parentscould afford it?"
Immediately, a wave of shame washed over him. This had been an issue before when they were engaged. Cordelia had been furious because he thought that he didn't deserve her…just because she came from a 'higher class'."Delia, darling, I'm sorry…I didn't mean it like that, you know I didn't. The difference between you and your mother is that she uses her wealth as an excuse to get what she wants. You don't. Far from it, in fact!"
Cordelia stared up at him, the tiniest hint of a smile in her eyes. "And what exactly do I do to get what I want, eh?"
David smiled, "Oh, I find that you can be…very persuasive!"
She grinned satisfactorily as they kissed yet again. There was a shriek of laughter from the other room. For a two-year-old, Hermione grasped the concept of early Saturday morning cartoons very quickly.
"You know, your father obviously thought she was a catch when they married, so I suppose she isn't all bad," David said in an effort to cheer her up.
Cordelia broke away from him. "Seeing as how this is my mother you're talking about, should I count that as a compliment, or an insult?" she asked dryly.
"Definitely a compliment," David settled back onto his pillows while Cordelia went to check on Neenie. When she came back, she found her husband had a very familiar glint in his eye. She was just about to ask him why when one burst of dramatic lament answered her question for her.
"'Admir'd Miranda!'" David said fervently. "'Indeed the top of admiration, worth what's dearest to the world!'"
Cordelia laughed at him, recognizing the play he was quoting. This was the same stanza he pulled on her frequently, just because her mother shared the same name as the beloved heroine that was under discussion in this quotation. David stood and went to her, looking deeply into her blue eyes.
"'Full many a lady I have eyed with best regard; and many a time the harmony of their tongues hath into bondage brought my too diligent ear: for several virtues have I lik'd several men: never any with so full soul, but some defect in her did quarrel with the noblest grace she owed; and put it to the foil: but you…"
He reached over and grabbed her around the waist. She laughed and tried to squirm away. "'O you, so perfect and so peerless, are created of every creatures best!'"
Finally, he gave her a big, sloppy kiss and let go of her.
She shoved him playfully. "You are a devil!"
"Only when I'm with you, dear!" he grinned wolfishly.
She crossed the room to open the blinds and the curtains. Immediately, the brightest sunlight streamed into the room. David winced.
"Oh, and David?"
"Yes, dear?"
"The answer is 'no'. I don't forgive you. After that stunt you've just pulled, it's going to take a lot more than that!" She smiled smugly.
This time, it was his turn to protest. "But Cordelia!" he whined. "You can't just not forgive me! We live together, we sleep together, we work together…why, we even have to share that right little devil in there, as well!"
As if right on cue, Hermione gave a startled squeak in the other room.
"Believe me when I say, David, that women have ways!" Cordelia looked pointedly over at him.
He shook his head and walked back into the bathroom, calling over his shoulder, "Well, you know, it was at least six months ago whenthat whole nappy thinghappened. How can she have remembered that?"
Cordelia sighed as she picked up her brush and tried taming her mess of curls. "You'd be surprised," she muttered.
"What's she doing now, anyway?"
"Oh, I told her to go check on her kitten's food and water so we could change. She can actually lift his food bag, now----"
She suddenly broke off when they heard a shriek, then a loud crash, followed by a very dismayed cry of "Puck!" coming from the kitchen.
Cordelia and David took one glance at each other before they both tore out of the room and down the hall. When they reached the kitchen, a peculiar sight met their eyes.
A sopping wet Hermione sat in the middle of the floor covered in soggy kitten food. Scattered around her were the entire contents of the cat food bag. A little orange kitten was staring at Neenie hungrily from his perch on an over-turned chair.
"Hermione!" David moaned. Cordelia bit back a smile.
Hermione looked up at her parents, just as the kitten pounced onto her little shoulder and started eating some kitten bits out of her hair.
"Oops," she said.
Author's Note: Ah...children, children! How we all love them! And I know this chapter might not have answered what you wanted it to, but just be patient! You'll know in time.
Next chapter will be called "Revenge of the Mountain Troll" (ooh! scary title, that one! wonder what'll happen!) and will be coming to you in more than a week; it depends on when I get back from my trip. One certain way to send me off to my sister's wedding in good wishes is, you guessed it, to review! So click that tempting button. You know you want to!
Cheers! And thanks for Anne for posting this.
Beta's Note: You're quite welcome, as always, Hestia. Hope everyone else likes it as much as I did!