Sorry about another long wait for the update. I just went through a week of trauma that really goes beyond words... I really redefine the term "accident-prone". It's scary. I was nearly raped and was involved in a high-speed auto crash. It's been really hard getting back to this story when my life is so immense... But I love it, and I love all of you who have been so awesome in reviewing. So thank you much! I'm sorry for missing most of the last round of review responses. THIS TIME I WILL GET TO ALL OF YOU! For real:D It's just... you know. Here's the next chapter, and it's a bit rough around the edges. But I've just got to write the rest! Even I'm getting excited about what's happening...!

Rating: Pg-13. Slash - sensuality - violence - light incest.
Category: Angst/Romance
Pairing: Kyou/Yuki
Length: 15/18

Ache
by Lanie Kay-Aleese

Chapter Fifteen: They Snap Apart

- - - -

"That's it..?"

Yuki turned over the pamphlet in his pale hands and flipped several pages casually with his thumb. Standing in front of his cousin, looking down at the pages upside-down and in shadow, Kyou frowned. His fingers twitched from beneath the folding of his arms as he waited for his ex-nemesis, his ex-lover, his now-everything to speak. When Yuki did, it was with a distasteso strong that it made Kyou's scowl flicker.

"You brought me here for this? It's just an old study packet."

"No," Kyou's impulse took charge and he defended the book as if he knew what it was, as if it did matter. "I just have this feeling it's important-"

Kyou avoided his cousin's eyes and tried to gather his thoughts. If he looked at Yuki, there was no way that he could keep it together, not with them standing this close together, he'd just have to touch him. Make sure that he, at least, was real and present.

"- You've written weird things on some of the pages that aren't math sets. I can't read your rat-scratch, but maybe they were notes on something important. I think it's important. I'm not sure why, but... You-"

--shoved it into my hands before Hatori's car came to take us away forever--

"-must have misplaced it. I found it on one of my bookshelves. But I know it's yours."

Worldessly, Yuki re-opened the booklet and rustled the pages to reveal a geometric pattern. The problem set, next to the geometric figure, stood out with its' heavy inking and white, fresh paper surface. The edge of the page, however, didn't contrast so sharply, but instead it lay as a canvas of meandering white and lead greys. Kyou looked at the tiny pencil scratchings that littered the problem set and Yuki, Yuki's eyes were narrowed and unseeing. Kyou was taken aback when the control faltered, for a moment, and some dark emotion swept across his cousin's face. His hair hung out, over his eyes and his forehead, soft, violet, and smooth. Remembering what it was like, Kyou dug his fingernails into his palm. How could he be so stupid to get caught up in that? He swished the bitter thought in his mouth like a bad taste: The past didn't repeat itself, anyway.

"I remember writing this," said Yuki suddenly.

And that was what Kyou had been waiting for. He snapped his attention from Yuki's hair to Yuki's arching eyebrows and to his chilling, burning, purple eyes.

"Yeah?" asked Kyou, nearly breathless, "So what does it say?"

Kyou swallowed and tasted the thin residue of milk on the back of his tongue. Yuki did not reply; he bent his head closer to the writing.

"What's it say?" Kyou pressed, "Tell me, you damn rat, why's it important?"

"I don't know."

It was impossible. With that tone of voice then, that tone of voice now, Kyou picked it up immediately: "You're lying!"

Yuki's response came slower.

"How would you know?" Yuki's head came up and he glared through a shield of glossy bangs, "how would you know?"

"I just got a feeling."

"Don't trust those," Yuki hissed, and dropped the pamphlet on the ground. He left, closing the door so sharply behind him that it shut out the light before Kyou could respond. And then the room was darker and the air colder and thicker. So thick that Kyou couldn't breathe it without a familiar, strange coat of saliva on the backside of his tongue.

It made him sick. Made him so sick that he was making himself sick.

Kyou didn't deny himself the feelings that came inside. He'd denied himself before everything had happened, so somehow he was satisfied with the knowledge of warm feelings. He remembered the warm feeling, and this new ache felt like it. When Yuki walked out, the ache was the same feeling as before: all-consuming, mind blowing... and yet, different. This was just, more painful. Like defeat. Like fighting, even though he and the rat weren't fighting anymore.

He swallowed down the pain in his stomach. The ache kept swelling up.

- - - -

Dinner.

Kyou hadn't planned on attending it, and wasn't sure how he'd ended up with steaming food in front of him. Taking his chopsticks from the place mat, Kyou held the utensils from the top and broke them apart down the middle. They came apart evenly, a good luck sign. It nearly made up for the conspicuous weight of the beads on his wrist.

He stuck a mouthful of rice in his mouth.

"Fast food?" he asked, accusingly. Shigure gave an almost regretful grin. At that moment, Kyou hated how his smiles didn't match his feelings or his actions. It was creepy!

"I guess I can't fool you, can I?" Laughed the dog, folding his hands on his lap with an expression of absolute content, "Tohru-kun made something for us and put it in the fridge, and I put it on the stove. Then Aya called, and then suddenly the whole kitchen was filled with heavy black smoke! I had no choice but to dispose of Tohru-kun's beautiful meal and go find a weaker, much less love-filled replacement..."

"Ah," said Yuki, "I see."

Shigure blinked. "See what?"

Kyou looked up from his food as well, still chewing, his face blank.

"You needed an excuse to leave the house," said Yuki. Weak laughter escaped Shigure's lips for half a second before his younger cousin continued, "I found Mii-san, your editor, looking for you everywhere this afternoon. I wondered where you had went."

"I left a note," said Shigure, his eyes growing increasingly forlorn.

"I left her in your study," replied Yuki, taking a long sip of his tea. "It wouldn't surprise me if she was still in there..."

Shigure shot to his feet.

"I'll be back!" he sang, loudly, then dashed off to the porch. The shoji panel clacked behind him and Yuki sighed.

Suddenly, Kyou became immensely aware that he was alone with his cousin and piles of food between them. He wasn't sure how to handle this new interaction: there were no knowing looks shared between them or hungry glances or fighitng, or even a complete absence of food as the center of attention, and now Kyou wasn't sure if he was getting sick again from what or what or what.

And by the time he thought he'd figured it out, Yuki had spoken to him. To him, the no-good cat.

"I re-read the study booklet," he said, setting his tea cup onto the table. Kyou wordlessly turned his head towards the prince and waited.

"The notes were mostly page numbers and book titles. Well, journal entries, mostly. Of our Sohma ancestors from long ago -- about the curse. And some other things."

"What about the curse?" asked Kyou sharply, his ears pricking up and his blood strangely warm. He remembered talking about this, before. On a Saturday. And-

"Yuki," he had breathed so softly. "I don't... I don't think you should try to go and do this. Just let everything be like it is."

And in his heart, he was scared. Because I don't want you to leave me. Alone.

"I have to see if it would work. Not just for me, but for all of us," Yuki insisted, but Kyou shook his head.

"No," kneading his fingers softly into his cousin's flesh, he'd continued, "You can't even get to the place where He keeps those documents. There's no way you can find out those secrets. Akito won't allow it."

"I'm not scared of Him," said Yuki flatly. His eyes burned into Kyou, who let go of Yuki's forearm as if he were scalded. He was, and he averted his eyes.

"Fine," he said, "Fine. I guess you wouldn't care about how I feel about it, would you? I'm just that stupid fucking cat-"

"No. Not just 'the cat' for much longer," said Yuki.

- In the present, the rat's eyes burnt in a more quiet way. But they were bright enough to remind Kyou that he was still alive and maybe he didn't have all of his memories, but he was still the one he loved and who he'd hurt.

Yuki bowed his head, staring at his dinner and his thought came aloud. "There might be a way to break it. The curse. That's what the references are for, I think. What else would they be for? I told you I remembered writing this, and I do. I had broken into Sohma house to find it out."

Kyou blustered. It was the same fear from before, but worse, so much worse, because if Yuki could remember writing the notes, then what else did he remember? He didn't remember what they'd shared, did he? If he did remember, was he ashamed? And if he didn't remember, what if he had gotten close to breaking the curse - what if there was still a way to break the curse - and if he did break it - then Yuki could hug girls, then Yuki could have relationships with them... and why wouldn't he want to do that?

Kyou wondered, faintly to himself, what good was he to Yuki, who didn't remember that they were responsible to each other?

There wasn't any good in him. There was no reason for him to even think about it. To even try loving him. Like he'd said he'd loved him before.

Kyou's chopsticks clacked together. He paused and gazed at them and past them. It worked for chopsticks, being bound together - separated - and still, they functioned together. But humans weren't chopsticks. Humans were so much more than wood or animals or anything.

That's why he'd said it. It was that selfish fear that made him tell Yuki not to go in and research; No. Nonono, Yuki Sohma couldn't break the curse. It would break them apart forever - and it would break Kyou forever - nothing was worse than that.

And Yuki breaking was even worse than nothing.

"All those notes, all that writing... Did it tell you anything about curing the curse? Does it work? Huh? It didn't do you any good, did it?" Kyou's voice dripped with some undefinable anger, "Tell me damnit! Did they do what they said they would?"

It's just, those notes inside the geometry sets... they had cost me everything. What you found out in those notes had broken us apart forever; snapped our binds apart on an indented groove. It's not fair and even though I deserve it, you didn't deserve to be hurt, Yuki. I hurt you and I hurt you, but that wasn't my fault either. And now -- I just don't know anymore.

Yuki's eyes showed nothing. Kyou remembered feeling like worse-than-nothing and he remembered Yuki being broken into something worse-than-nothing.

Kyou squeezed the chopsticks in his hand tightly, so tightly until they snapped.

"You stupid cat," scowled Yuki, and that's how it happened. The disdain in his voice - the awkward memories - the feelings - the need to touch his perfect skin - something snapped inside of Kyou and the growl came from somewhere deep in his throat.

"I just don't know anymore!" he shouted, and it was true.

- - - -

The Japanese Chef Natsumi-san says in fractured Engrish:
"You want more soy sauce? Peppers? What? Lemons? Okay, you add tip review yourself... I just do the more story..."