Something Awfuller This Way Comes
Adam "Adam Kadmon" Kadmon
Disclaimer: I do not, have not, or ever will own Evangelion. Boo hoo hoo. Also, I apologize ahead of time to you, the reader, for the length of this monster. I am a longwinded bastard.
Wait. What? Damn. You say I forgot a couple clichés? (Sigh) Fine, let's rewind a bit.
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.dias ijnihS ",eruS"
Stop. Play.
"Sure," Shinji said.
And the newly reunited Ikari family lived, for better or worse, together in the palatial estate that Gendo called home, which we conveniently never saw in the series. I personally always imagined him living in that giant crypt of an office he had. Like, he kept a little fold out bed tucked away under his desk, and all his toiletries in a drawer.
Anyway.
The Ikaris slowly fit into a semblance of normal, getting to know one another free of parental neglect, giant robots and beards. As soon as Yui moved back in with her husband she insisted he start shaving again, never finding the Abe Lincoln look appealing in the least. Gendo readily agreed. Actually, he agreed to anything his wife wanted. Mostly because he was hoping to score some action that for the first time in ten years wasn't with a psychotic hose beast.
Of course, being trapped within a biomechanical war machine for a decade can… distort people. Even geniuses. Actually, especially geniuses. Reunited with her husband after ten years trapped inside a false god was somehow disappointing to Yui. While not fully cognizant of all of Gendo's doings, she knew far more than she wanted. She was surprised and a little ashamed she never saw the whole "abandon our only child" scenario sooner. Granted Gendo was always a crybaby, and a bit of a drama queen, but she never thought he'd just kick Shinji to the curb.
So whenever she wasn't berating her husband, Yui was dutifully attending her son, trying to make up for the ten years of her imprisonment. Meaning, she had a hell of a lot to do. Trying to cram a decade of family activities into a few weeks can be sort of difficult. That, and Shinji's new fan club was seriously eating up his free time.
While Asuka and Rei did say they'd "wait forever" in typical harem type situations, they were making their passivity as aggressive as they could. Meaning Asuka overtly flirting with him at every chance, regardless of hour or activity, and Rei exercising her ninja skills by breaking into his house at night to watch him sleep.
Gendo and Yui had already given up on any sort of home security device.
"I trained her too well," the former commander lamented.
Oh, right. With the Angel attacks a thing of the past, and Gendo getting his Instrumentality present early, the elder Ikari male had retired from active service, in every sense of the word. Surprisingly, or perhaps not surprisingly, Ritsuko was overjoyed. It also meant Fuyutsuki had adopted the bulk of NERV's command. But I'm digressing. We'll get to that later.
We join our hero in domestic splendor, something Shinji had nearly no experience with. He was waking up in peaceful bliss, letting the gentle haze of morning wash over him like a shower. From the comfort of his many, many blankets, Shinji peeked out like a gopher, and listened to his parents in the kitchen with something approaching painful joy. He never thought he'd ever be waking to his mother and father under the same roof. Mostly because his mother, prior to a few days ago, couldn't fit under any roof. And his father being a total bastard.
But that had all changed now, and Shinji was quickly learning to appreciate a normal, non-abusive relationship with the people who sired him.
"Ah, the start of another wonderful day," the boy said. "What fresh joys will today hold?"
Out Of Character? Definitely. But I find an optimistic and happy Shinji to be freaking hilarious. Deal with it.
Yui was currently in the kitchen, whipping up breakfast, while Gendo sat at the table, poring over the morning paper. Specifically, the obituaries, which he read every morning while giggling like a schoolgirl.
"Hon," he said, looking up towards his wife at the stove, "would it be too much of an inconvenience to ask for your award winning banana waffles this fine morning?"
"Dear," she said over her shoulder, "would it be too much of an inconvenience to ask you not to abandon our only child at the first sign of hardship? Oh, wait, you already did that. So, that would be a 'no' regarding the waffles. Anything else you want to ask me for?"
"… no, ma'am."
"Good."
Awkward!
Meanwhile, in Gendo's former porno closet, now remodeled into a bedroom, Shinji asked for assistance.
"Mom," he called out from behind his door. "Um, could you come here for a minute?"
"Of course, dear," Yui said. She stood before his shut door. "What's wrong?"
"Um… well… I need another pair of underwear."
"Again?" She shook her head. "Shin-chan, this is the fifth pair this week. What's going on?"
"They just keep ripping. Sorry. I really can't help it."
"Alright," Yui sighed. "Between you and your father's eyewear, my bank account is running into the red." She fetched a fresh pair of boxers from the laundry room. "Here you go."
"Thanks," Shinji said, reaching out from behind his door. "I'm going to take a shower."
"Well hurry up. Asuka and Rei will be here any minute to walk to school with you."
Correction! They were already there!
Wait. Only Rei was there.
She was seated at the kitchen table, crowding Gendo's precious newspaper time. These days, he took any opportunity he could get to look gruff and menacing. But attempting a one-handed bridge over a daily periodical wasn't very conducive to his fading aura of doom and strategic glares.
"So, Rei," he said, glancing at the pale girl. "Still living in that rat nest I picked out for you?"
"It suits my needs at the moment," the pale girl replied. "At least until Ikari-kun chooses me and then, according to my research, I shall require approximately four more rooms, for all the beds we will break. But that is a conservative estimate."
I did train her too well, the man thought. Heaven help my son. Who I now fully acknowledge.
"I believe you're the only person living in that complex," Gendo said, since Asuka was conveniently not there at the moment to refute Rei. "Why not simply knock a few walls down and expand your two room shit hole into a full crap house?"
"Structural instability. Everyday I have to replace the sludge on the walls, to say nothing of the honeycomb network the rats have made in the frame." The girl paused. "Sir, as your wife is returned to you, and you have resigned your post at NERV, is it fair to assume my importance to your plans is now voided as well?"
"For the last time, no; I don't care if you mate with my son until he has a permanent limp."
"No. I have another question. Sir, why did you pay me special attention, attentions over your own child, burn your hands rescuing me, and favor me over the other pilots, yet at the same time manipulate my emotions, force me into life and death battles, dump me in a decrepit apartment, and generally show me little to no genuine care?"
"Um…"
"Sir, some of your actions lead me to believe… that I am replaceable."
"Whatever gave you that idea?" Gendo asked.
"You told me I was replaceable."
"Oh, right. That."
"Sir," Rei said, "is it true?"
"Well, I—"
Oh… SHIT… Gendo thought. I completely forgot about the tank of Rei clones. Oh, merciful lord, Yui is not going to like that can of worms. Maybe I could bribe them into staying quiet. But what do I have for collateral…?
What indeed.
"Sir?" Rei prompted as the man fell silent.
"Ah, I mean, sure, you weren't… 'replaceable'," Gendo said, making air quotations. "But as you may recall, I was a 'bastard' to 'everyone'. I've lost count of all the people who I've told were replaceable. But with you… maybe it was your lost puppy look, or your puppy-like obedience, or your remarkable resemblance to my formerly dead wife…" He shrugged. "What can I say? You got to me. I'm just a big softy."
Asuka then barged into the kitchen, glaring daggers at Rei.
"Thanks for waiting for me, you treacherous little photo negative. I thought we agreed no unfair advantages until Shinji chooses. Ditching me and wind sprinting here isn't exactly playing fair, you know."
"It is not my fault you are so slow. Perhaps all the food you ingest is increasing your physical measurements and weighing you down." Rei glanced at the redhead. "I would wager it is. Perhaps a diet is in order."
"Sorry I can't be as freakishly gangly as you." Asuka smirked. "Besides, I'm only bigger where it counts. Or do you think Shinji lusts after your pancake ass and mosquito bite tits?"
"A body is meaningless. It is merely a conveyance for the spirit. And all I desire is to be one with Ikari's soul."
The redhead was momentarily stunned silent.
"Um…" Gendo scratched at his temple. "Then what was all that broken beds talk earlier?"
"Silence," Rei hissed.
"Ha!" Asuka barked, pointing her finger at the pale girl. "I knew it! You talk all sophisticated and transcendent, but the truth is you want to rut around with him as much as I do! You're not superior! If anything, you're less than me. At least I admit I want to screw him silly."
"Screw who silly?" Yui asked, returning from her son's room.
"Um…" The redhead gulped. "I was… talking… about that table. It should be screwed to the floor to maintain its integrity. Heh heh heh."
"I'll get my dear, dear husband on it as soon as possible. That is, if he doesn't have any other children he needs to abandon before that. Do you, dear?"
"I said I was sorry, woman! What more do you want from me? Besides, I think it helped build some character into the little guy. Shinji needed to learn life isn't always birthday parties and free bicycles. Both of which he never got from me. It's character building 101! Come on!"
"I love my little Shin-chan with all my heart just the way he is," Yui said with a happy sigh. She stopped abruptly and frowned. "But I'm fairly indifferent to his father. What did I ever see in him?"
"Hey," Gendo said, "these hands aren't just for bridges, missy. Well, the remaining one, anyway. Remember… remember the blind plumber? I think you have a leak that needs to be plugged," he said in a sing-song voice.
What an idiot, Yui thought. What did I ever see in him?
She briefly thought back to their early courtship. Yui had always been single-minded in her pursuit of academic achievement, and as a result she had all but ignored dating and romance. She was aware she was attractive, but she never gave it any thought. But as time went by, and the languid years of youth gave way to early adulthood, a foreign idea wormed itself into her mind. She wanted a child. Someone to love unconditionally, or just with less slobbering than she was used to with other people.
And being the genius that she was, Yui realized she'd need a male component to achieve her new goal. Regrettably, nearly all the men she tested for parenthood were scared away by her immense intellect. And she was rather discriminating in her tastes. And inexperienced regarding the unfairer sex.
Having spent her youth developing her intellect, romance was new and exciting for Yui when she met Gendo. Early on in their courtship his need for approval and positive reinforcement naturally brought out her maternal instincts. But she had moved past him rather quickly. When Shinji was born, her focus shifted from one child to another, so to speak. And she never looked back. True, Gendo came in handy every so often, but it was nothing a quick perusal of the phonebook couldn't fix. Of course, if she ever needed a total bastard to shirk his parenting duties again, she knew where to look.
"I thought you forgave me already," Gendo said to his wife.
"I'll forgive you when Shinji's abandonment issues are resolved, or you grow another right hand," she replied. "Whichever comes first. Honestly, how my dear little Shin-chan survived after you dropped him like a hot potato is beyond me. And, no offense dear, you chose to raise Rei, and really no offense hon, but she didn't turn out that well at all. Can't you do anything right?"
"I successfully defended the earth for years! That has to count for something!"
"From a comfy chair deep within a super fortress guarded by a squad of armed agents while our son and I were in the trenches, fending off monsters with nothing but our demonic rage to aid us. Thanks for all the help, dear."
"I can never please you again, can I?" he sighed.
"Let me get back to you in ten more years."
"I wish I had real parents," Rei said, suddenly feeling very small and alone while watching the two adults interact.
"I don't," Asuka stated. "I'm glad my deadbeat dad is in another country, and my mom's dead. She was crazy even before she went crazy. We actually had to buy a second house just for her doll collection. She was obsessed! We had to file for bankruptcy twice to support her habit. German toys are expensive!"
The redhead made a dismissive gesture.
"Feh. I don't know why anyone would want kids in the first place. I mean, I certainly don't want any." She paused. "Unless Shinji wants them. And then, only after a decade or three of hot monkey love."
"Asuka," Yui said in shock. "Those were your parents you were talking about… that's… horrible."
Gendo nodded in agreement, not really paying attention to the conversation now that he wasn't in it but hoping to score points nonetheless. Even Rei looked disgusted. Which is to say, mildly affected in an unidentifiable manner.
Asuka cringed. How could she have forgotten her all important mask? The blind obedience to authority figures that had aided her ascent into popularity, fame, and prestige. The carefully crafted face of sugar and feminine politeness that hid her true nature of pettiness, vanity, need, want, and violence inflicted upon small mammals. It had become so entrenched within her daily routines as to be a reflex action.
But ever since she confessed her heart to Shinji, it had been slipping more and more easily. Her sharp tongue no longer had its sheath, her fists were free of their socially conscious shackles, her collection of knives was stained red with the blood of fools. Of course, she was still careful around Shinji, at least until he grew a pair and declared his undying and eternal worship of her earthly perfection. Best to play it safe until then.
"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Ikari," Asuka said, whimpering a little for effect. "It's just that seeing Shinji so happy with his parents has been so hard for me. I don't know what I'm saying sometimes." She delicately wiped away several theatrical tears.
Rei and Gendo rolled their eyes.
"Oh, Asuka-chan," Yui said. She embraced the girl. "You'll always have a home here."
"Thank you," the redhead gushed.
Sucker.
Not that Asuka liked lying to people. It was just that things generally went a lot easier if she pretended to be in a good mood. That, and she was hoping that being nice to the brainless parental units would garner a good word to Shinji from his mom. Specifically, "ravage." As in, "Why don't you ravage that gorgeous redheaded friend of yours?" Asuka had high hopes for her underhanded deceitfulness.
Speaking of the words under and hand, Asuka's mind naturally arrived at the word Shinji.
"Hey, stupid pervert!" she called out through the bathroom door. Granted, at this point in their relationship, everyone knew Asuka was really talking about herself. But it had evolved from an epithet of pure hatred into a cute nickname. "It's time to go to school!"
With that she tore the bathroom door off its hinges and flung it across the kitchen. Yui and Gendo ducked almost out of reflex: they were quite well accustomed to Asuka's morning rituals by this juncture.
Anyway. The door was gone, revealing a sight of pure heavenly splendor and bliss, unmatchable by mortal standards or earthly comparisons. It was like gazing into the face of God, and seeing Him smile back. Almost like staring into the sun. It dazzled and amazed and excited and awed and even frightened, just a teensy bit.
A wet, naked Shinji had that effect on people.
"Gah!" he yelped, trying to cover his nude form. "Asuka!"
Shinji had just stepped out of the shower, meaning with one leg in the tub and one slightly raised as he stepped over it, he was fully on display. Like the piece of meat he is.
"Holy hell!" Asuka yelled, pointing at Shinji. The color in her face was indistinguishable from her hair. Her eyes ran down his frame, then back up, then back down again. Then back down.
Rei took out a small notebook, and began to either scribble a few observations or make a quick sketch.
Gendo's eyes bugged out, shattering his glasses.
Good… God...!
Yui arched an eyebrow as she saw her son in all his glory. She surreptitiously glanced at her husband.
Where on earth did my little Shin-chan inherit that? Definitely not from his father's side. She shook her head in astonishment. No wonder he keeps ripping his underwear. What a beast!
Yeah. That's right. Shinji's packing a third leg in his trousers.
Which I always found rather odd. The majority of fics are written by straight males, right? What is the fascination with Shinji packing a gigantic junk box? Is it simply wish fulfillment, or the desire to have a large package? Whatever. I would have thought volume eight of the manga would dispel this myth, but oh well. Time for the adventures of Shinji and his meat log.
Which he was still trying to cover, since the door was gone, and everyone he was on good terms with were openly staring at him. Sadly, Shinji's slim hands did little to mask the enormous tree trunk dangling between his legs. And while such a size may seem grotesque to some, his lingam was perfectly proportioned, like it was sculpted from the finest marble into a transcendent work of art, worthy of a museum, equal to Michelangelo or Da Vinci.
"Why are you still staring?" Shinji yelled. "And why haven't I grabbed a towel yet?"
"Can we…" Asuka paused to lick her lips. "Can we skip school for… like the next couple years? Please?"
"Oh, no," Yui said, swooping in to block Shinji's magnificence in one fluid step. "You need school. How else are you going to learn what to do with my son? They still teach sex ed, right?"
"Mom!" Shinji pleaded in frustration as he threw on a pair of pants. "Can't we have one morning without discussing my bits and pieces?"
"The sexual education supplied by the school system is far too slow to suite current needs," Rei stated. "I believe a 'hands on' approach would prove most beneficial."
"What did you do to this girl?" Yui asked her husband. She shook her head in fatigue. "How many children do you need to warp before you're satisfied?"
"None apparently, since you won't let me finish what I start!" Gendo scoffed disdainfully. "I mean, come on! It was all part of a carefully orchestrated master plan to see you again. It was all for you! The cheating, the lies, the murder, the abandoning, the other cheating… it's on your head, lady!"
Asuka made a discreet whip crack.
"I saw that!" the former commander yelled, pointing in fury. "Oh, you are so lucky I'm not your superior officer anymore. Can you say daily naked activation tests? Or daily naked training exercises? Or naked NERV Fridays? Oh, you're all lucky! All of you!"
So this is what he is like without any real power, Rei mused. Disturbing.
Back in reality, Shinji had finished dressing and took a seat at the table, yet again lamenting the fate that landed him with such an idiotic father. But he supposed he could forgive whatever God spawned mankind for giving him his mother. Who else could love him unconditionally, beat up his father, devour foes whole, and help him ace his science test? He was beginning to discover what a normal, healthy platonic love was really like. Because if the fic writers have any say, he'll never get it any other way except through his family members. And even then it could get tricky.
"My Shin-chan needs his strength," Yui said, then placed an overflowing plate of waffles in front of her son. "Here you go."
"Hey," Gendo said. "I thought you said no waffles."
"Well, none for you. Shin-chan can have all he wants." She leaned down and kissed her son on the forehead.
"Yes…" Asuka said, disturbingly vague, "he certainly needs to keep his strength up…"
"Agreed," Rei assented, a hungry glow lighting her eyes. "It would be most… agreeable… for Ikari-kun to stay… invigorated…"
Shinji, like most mornings, simply wept over his breakfast as he ate it with all the enthusiasm of a condemned prisoner. Having literally two forces of nature vying for the coveted prize of his tender innocence had a way of killing even the most delicious of waffle batches.
"Today is off to another bad start," he sobbed. "Could it get any worse?"
Of course it can!
Meanwhile, in the cheap laser show hologram party zone of SEELE, it was time for a long, boring, cryptic and mysterious conversation between talking monoliths with funny accents.
"This is absurd!" Three spoke, who for the purposes of showing the Committee's multi-national makeup was Scottish, "Our scenario did not intend for this!"
An image of Ikari Shinji was projected in the center of the chamber, the monoliths circled around it.
"Agreed!" Eight assented, who sounded vaguely Jamaican because I felt like it. "We had not anticipated this!"
Several more members concurred, and the assembly fell into an uncontrollable orgy of agreeing with one another, and quoting obscure ancient texts, and I think number Eleven was breathing really hard and sort of funny. It continued until Kiel, also known as number One, also known as only slightly less embarrassing than being known as number Two, spoke up.
"Silence!" the old man thundered. "Do you want to be a cult of apocalyptic doom bringers, or just a regular cult? We will have order!"
"Sorry."
"I apologize."
"Yeah, sorry, Kiel."
"Sorry."
"Sorry."
"Ibuki Maya is so adorable!"
"Alright," Kiel said, clearing his throat. "As you all know, our scenario has gotten seriously out of whack lately. What with an unscheduled Angel appearing in Tokyo-3, then Lilith and Adam leaving earth, then Ikari's wife recorporeating from Unit-01, then Ikari getting lax with his whole 'evil' vibe, then the Third Children getting some action. In short, we're looking pretty boned. All that was not to come to pass has, well, come to pass.
"But most troubling… the most grievous blow to our cause… is this!"
The image of Shinji in the center of the chamber drew back and expanded into its full picture, that of the homepage of a website dedicated to the "orgasm given human form," Ikari Shinji. It was a lavishly designed site, boasting a joint cooperation of Asuka's skill for refined detail, and Rei's "unique" imagination, namely highly doctored photos and creative literature dealing with assorted uses for Shinji, cat ears, and various latex implements. It's always the quiet ones.
But Kiel's attention, for the moment, was focused on the banner that boldly declared Ikari Shinji as the hottest pretty boy in the history of the world.
"They call that a bishounen? I'll show them a bishounen! Wake Tabris! We'll let Mr. Free Will decide this!"
Kiel, who had suddenly became tangible somehow, strode to a glass tube in a small side wing of his shadowy chamber. Within the tube a pale boy floated, buffeted by some mysterious force. Or Jacuzzi jets. One or the other.
"Awaken, Tabris!" he commanded. "Awaken and show the world what a real effeminate boy toy can do!
The tube drained its liquid, then descended into the floor with a quiet hiss. The teen within slowly rose and took a deep breath. His nudity was paid no attention, either by him, or the dozen creepy old men watching him. Couldn't they have slapped a pair of swim trunks on him? I mean, come on. Pedophiles.
Kaworu's red eyes flitted between his masters, gaining his bearings. He then yawned, stretched leisurely, and struck a decidedly feminine pose.
"I'm awake, and I feel fabulous!"
"Good God!" Kiel said in shock. "What happened to you, Tabris? Where is our remorseless killer and trained assassin? Where's the little boy who used to use his AT Field to divide throngs of homeless post Impact refugees in the soup kitchens for fun and practice?"
"Doll, I was done with all that ages ago. The only thing I plan on dividing is Ikari Shinji's sweet buttered butt cheeks with my long hard—"
"Aw! Come on! Stop it! Aw! Dude! Aw! Sick! Oh, God! Oh!"
"—and then he'd be all like, 'oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Never stop, Kaworu-sama! Your commanding thrusts are completely making me forget about women and their jiggly charms!' And then I'd say—"
"Shut up! For the love of God, just shut up!"
"—with a cucumber and a whole bag of skittles. And then when the yams were baked—"
"You're the last Angel!" Kiel yelled. "The only one left! So listen up! All the others are staying with their mom and dad on the moon or wherever! They say they'll get jobs, but it's been weeks! And with that damn idiot Ikari deciding to do some actual parenting for once in his life, we're on our own! The UN has abandoned us, since the Angel attacks are a thing of the past, and our stranglehold on mankind has ended."
He turned to the pale boy at his side.
"But you remain the shining culmination of our scientific and metaphysical work. Not everyone pours money down the drain to create the prettiest boy in the world. No one's AT Field will be able to withstand your haunting demeanor and pasty countenance. For you, you are our last hope to initiate the Human Instrumentality Program!"
"Um, Kiel?" Two timidly said behind him. "Yeah… about that. Without Adam and Lilith… ah, turns out we can't trigger an Impact. Sorry. I probably should have told you that earlier."
"Well shit on my visor and call it a blackout. We're screwed." Kiel began to cry softly. "All I wanted was to forcibly evolve mankind into a single shared conscious super entity through indiscriminate death, meaningless sacrifice, mass murder and horrific violence. Was that so much to ask?"
"—maybe make him wear that fashionable plug suit that doesn't leave much to the imagination," Kaworu was saying, "but it is pretty hot. Vacuum sealed? Sexy. Maybe they could build one for two—"
"Screw it," Kiel whimpered, sitting down on the floor. "Tabris, you're free to go to Tokyo-3 and… I don't care anymore. Seduce Ikari's kid, expand GLAAD, kill everyone… I just don't care anymore." He waved the teen away, and turned back to his cohorts. "SEELE's done. Game over, man."
"Ah…" Ten cleared his throat. "I suppose this isn't the best time to give you my report on the Third Children, is it?"
"… I can't imagine anything you tell me now will make my mood worse. Let's have it."
"Um, well, we've been watching him pretty closely for a while, and not just for Tabris' benefit. And after we analyzed all the samples we secretly obtained from him, blood, saliva, hair, skin, vomit, toenail clippings, snot rockets, used gum, toothbrushes, baby teeth, tears, floss, gym socks, toilet paper, Kleenex, sweat, more blood, laughter, kindness to small animals, fear, angst, urine, childlike wonder, burps, that rash he had in second grade, eyelashes, happiness, morning breath—
"Get on with it!"
"Right. Turns out… Ikari Shinji has the most untapped power we've ever seen. I mean, we're talking some Zeruel class shit here. And we're not quite sure how or why, but it appears he has no knowledge of his hidden strength. I mean, he's a pretty wimpy kid.
"And now, all we can hope for is that his potential remains just that. Potential. Because if he taps into it, we are totally fecked."
"Damn," Kiel said. "Is it too late to call Tabris back here to modify his mission to a kidnapping, brainwashing, and janitorial employment operation?"
"Yeah," Nine said. "He's… he's gone. He isn't going to wait around here. He's been waiting his entire life to hit Ikari's kid up for some lovin'."
"Crap."
"Yeah, crap."
"So…" Five coughed nervously. "Ah, what do we do now?"
"What else can we do?" Kiel asked his associates. "We have no choice but to resurrect what we were doing before this whole 'end of the world' thing gummed up the works."
"You mean…?"
"Yes. The SEELE Tabernacle Choir is back in action! Break out the robes and the hymnals. We have stuff we need to sing in perfect synchronization for no apparent reason other than it sounds vaguely religious!"
"A-men!"
"Praise be to Ibuki!"
"Indeed, let us… wait. What?"
"Um… glory to bridge bunnies in the highest!"
"… who are you?"
"Uh… well… oh! It's the shift change. I gotta go see you later bye bye love you love you hugs and kisses bye!"
"Maybe this whole anonymity thing was a bad idea," Kiel said, massaging the bridge of his nose. "Granted it intimidates anyone we question, and it saves us from looking at Eleven's acne-riddled face, but I'm sick of talking to Space Odyssey rejects." He sighed. "Alright. Switch out of sound only. We're going multi-colored hologram again."
"Damn. You mean I have to put on pants now?"
"… forget it."
Back in Tokyo-3, Shinji, Asuka and Rei had started their daily trek to school. It was an overcast Tuesday, the clouds tumbling over each other in a race to see who could pee on human civilization first.
Like most days, the trio spent the walk in light conversation. And by light conversation, I mean Shinji thinking up new ways to preserve his innocence, and Asuka and Rei thinking up new ways to steal it. It was times like this, when the girls' eyes were half-lidded and heavy with unspeakable desires that Shinji considered just giving in. But despite his reawakened libido, he was still a bit shy, and had yet to choose between the young ladies on either side on him. And until he did, and he gave his heart to another, Shinji relented from the wetter aspects of relationships.
He genuinely felt sex should be between two people who loved each other. If it was just an act without any emotion backing it, it was no different than animals in the wild. And because of his zoological phobias, Shinji felt that was bad.
But after the morning's little exhibition, conversation had dried up faster than Misato's liquor cabinet on a Saturday night. So Shinji was hauling ass to school as quickly as possible to avoid any accidental recreations. Or at least until he met his other friends en route, which would afford him a small protection from the girls flanking him.
"Hey! Shin-man!" Touji called out, waving a greeting as the trio approached him on the street. He was followed closely by Kensuke, his camera obscuring his face.
"I thought I told you not to call me that anymore," Shinji sighed. His friends reached him, and Touji proceeded to grapple him in a head lock. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Please stop. Since when were you so casual about physical proximity?"
"Like you aren't desensitized to it by now," Kensuke said with a grin. "Say, um…" He removed the camera from his eye, and gestured to Asuka and Rei. "What's with them?"
Both girls were staring intently at Shinji. Or rather, at how the creases in his pants belied the bulge beneath. Being blessed with active imaginations and photographic recollections, they were currently replaying the scene from the bathroom on permanent repeat in their heads. Their bodies were on autopilot on route to the school, or until Shinji decided to stop at a love hotel.
"Um, they're just…" Shinji trailed off. "Ah, they're both under the weather."
And by weather, he meant his pants.
"Yeah?" Touji laughed. He batted his friend on the arm. "How bout you kiss it and make it all better, Casanova?"
"Don't give them ideas!"
As Shinji was desperately trying to preserve his chastity from a fiery and/or icy end, across the street a pale, tall boy stood in a relaxed posture by a lamp post.
"There he is," Kaworu sighed in ecstasy. "Those boys he's with are no match for me, so all I have to do is lure him away from those two witches."
As the group of teens approached him, the angel of Free Will mustered his courage and took a deep breath.
"FREUDE, SCHONER GOTTERFUNKEN, SEID UMSCHLUNGEN, MILLIONEN! DIESEN KUSS DER GANZEN WELT! BRUDER, UBERIM STERNEZELT! MUSS EIN LIEBER VATER WOHNEN IHR STURZT NIEDER, MILLIONEN? AHNEST DU DEN SCHOPFER, WELT? SUCH'IHN UBERIM STERNEZELT UBER STERNEN MUSS ER WOHNEN FREUDE, SCHONER GOTTERFUNKEN, SEID UMSCHLUNGEN, MILLIONEN, IHT STURZT NIEDER, MILLIONEN?"
The pale boy took another breath, then closed his eyes and smiled.
"I believe that song is the greatest achievement of the Lilin culture. Don't you agree, Ikari Shinji?"
Sadly, Kaworu's grating song voice scared the other children off, and he was left alone on the street corner.
"Oh," the pale boy said. "Fudge."
"That was very disturbing," Touji said, safely away from Kaworu.
"I never knew Beethoven could sound like that," Shinji murmured, hugging himself.
Asuka and Rei continued to stare at Shinji's crotch.
"Hey," Kensuke said, pointing across the street, "who's that?"
It was Kaworu again, who had somehow acquired a grand piano, and was playing it in the middle of the street.
"That can't be safe," Shinji said.
Actually, it was suicidal. But Kaworu was rather adept at using his AT Field, and was subconsciously protecting himself by sending any car that got too close hurtling off into the distance. Explosions could be heard halfway across the city.
"That can't be normal," Shinji amended.
But being the good-natured kind of guy he was, he wasn't scared off in the least. Wait. Did I say good-natured? I meant stupid.
Shinji boldly ventured out into the middle of the road, intent on either making a new friend or investigating that flying car phenomenon.
"Hi!" he said cheerfully. "Um, are you sure it's safe to play that… piano right here in the middle of a busy intersection?"
"Intersections are filled with cars," Kaworu said. "And some think that because of that, intersections are cars. But man cannot forget that intersections have cars, because all cars are fundamentally alone."
"Come again?" Shinji asked.
Kaworu shivered.
Suddenly, Asuka and Rei, their senses finely tuned to detect any possible threats to their beloved, snapped to attention and swarmed over to the pale boy.
"Shinji!" Asuka cried. "Step away from the bishi… very slowly. We don't want any unfortunate accidents." And by accident she meant her fist planting itself in his pale face.
"Yes," Rei said. "I do not like the looks of that… boy." The First Children had all sorts of experience regarding pale teens who had a taste for Ikari males. And the fewer, the better.
Then, because I just now thought of it, the Childrens' phones rang with an important message from Maya, who, let's face it, could tell you it's the end of the world and you'd be all like 'aw… that is so kawaii!' She could make the Black Death sound adorable.
"But… what about school?" Shinji asked in confusion as Asuka and Rei began forcibly towing him away towards NERV to fulfill Maya's summons to report in.
"Forget it!" Asuka said. "The author's whim has changed. Instead of another high school drama he wants conspiracy theories and giant fighting robot action. Despite the fact he can't write either to save his life! Away we go!"
"Stay where you are," Rei told Kaworu, "or there will be grave consequences. Specifically, your grave, containing your body." She turned and hurried after Asuka and Shinji.
"It'll take more than threat of death to stop me," the angel boy said. "My heart and loins are set on Ikari Shinji, and I've waited far too long to satisfy them. I'll follow him to the ends of the earth, and the end of his body."
Kaworu then took to the air and flew after the Children, intent on fulfilling all his LCL fantasies.
Back on the street, Touji and Kensuke looked on in mute fascination.
"Dude," the jock murmured. "Shin-man has the worst luck. Like, he can only attract freaks. And Asuka." He shivered. "Poor guy."
"Its times like this," the nerd said, "that I'm glad I'm a loser and you're a total dick. Girls want nothing to do with us. So…" He shrugged. "I don't know. Want to fool around?"
Touji punched Kensuke in the face as hard as he could.
"This sucks," Asuka said, standing at attention in one of NERV's many conference rooms. "I forgot Shinji isn't a pilot anymore and has to wait outside Dogma."
"It suits me just fine," Rei said, posted beside the redhead. "Actually, if you were the only one to face danger I would not complain. But left on your own you would undoubtedly fail in whatever task you were given."
"Can't you go five minutes without burning me!"
"Attention!" Misato called out, drawing the eyes of all the regular cast members to her. "Today we welcome a new waiter to Misato's Happy Fun Time Party Palace and Feel Good Emporium."
Maya whispered in her ear.
"Huh? Oh, right. I mean a new pilot to NERV. Sorry." Misato straightened her jacket, which had more than its fair share of beer stains. "Anyway. I want you all to give a big Tokyo-3 welcome to… the Seventh Children, Adam Kadmon!"
No one applauded.
"Um… question?" Aoba asked. "What happened to the Fifth and Sixth Children?"
"The Fifth is conveniently not found. And we don't like to talk about the Sixth. In any case, here he is, straight from…" She sighed disgustedly. "… America…"
"Boo!" several people yelled.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Just pretend to be sociable, okay? And try not to be scared of his freakish height. Here he is, to pilot… well we really don't have an available unit, so just humor him for awhile. Give him a big party palace welcome."
Adam Kadmon, who was once described as "Hyuuga-esque" in appearance, stepped forward to greet the members of NERV.
"Hello," he said. "It's been a pathetic dream of mine for years to meet all of you. I hope I can romance a few of you, solve all your emotional problems, then gently fade into the background in a triumphant and heroic fashion."
"Um… another question?" Aoba asked. "How old is this guy? He can't be fourteen."
"Let's see," Misato said, rifling through a file. "He's… twenty-three? Jesus! That's old! How on earth can he be a pilot?"
"In America, we do things a little differently," Adam said smugly.
Everyone booed again.
The new pilot turned to Rei, wearing a smooth grin.
"How are you? Ayanami Rei, the First Children, correct? I must say, you're awfully elegant, and from I hear, talented and intelligent as well. Would you like to join me for lunch? I play classical guitar at a small art house bistro downtown, and I think you'll be able to appreciate the subtle beauty of it all. It may even be a match for your radiant loveliness and—hey! Wait! Don't walk away!"
What a tool, Rei thought, quickly striding out of the room. Must… restrain… AT Field… of fury…
The pale girl left in what some may describe as a barely restrained frenzied dash for freedom. Adam made chase after her, but was stopped cold when a mysterious orange force field blocked his path. He pouted, then turned to Asuka with a grin.
"Well, how about you? You are Second, after all. Ha ha ha!"
Asuka buried her foot into his genitals, sending his testicles rocketing up somewhere near his lungs. Adam collapsed in a hurry.
"Creepy old guy," the redhead seethed, stalking out of the room. "Hitting on fourteen year olds. What a tool."
Adam struggled up on one arm, gazing towards Misato.
"S-say… how about we—"
"Not on your life." The major sighed. "Well, let's get him in an Eva and see how he does. Not that I'm expecting much, but, well… he's here, so let's see what he can do."
After a quick scene change from the conference hall to the synch test chamber, which for convenience's sake will also transfer everyone from the previous scene to the new one, Misato asked for a full run down on the pilots' scores.
"Asuka and Rei are both holding steady, but this is odd," Maya said, looking over the displays. "Adam's synch ratio… it's in negative numbers. How is that even possible?"
"I… don't know," Ritsuko said over her shoulder, completely baffled. "Technically, shouldn't a negative score equate with rejection?"
On cue, the simulation plug ejected its pilot, and Adam flew into the wall behind him, shotgun style.
"My only regret… is appearing in this fic!"
Splat. Soon all that was left of the Seventh Children was a chunky smear of red paste on the wall.
"Wow," Misato said. "He was probably the worst pilot ever."
"Yes. Yes he was," Ritsuko agreed.
While Asuka and Rei were still waiting to be debriefed after the synch test, Misato left her post as vice-commander/major/party planner and walked the halls of NERV, searching for her old roommate.
"Shinji-kun!" she beamed, finding him on a bench near the exit from Dogma. "There you are. You don't have to wait all the way out here. You're still a part of NERV, even if Unit-01 doesn't work anymore."
"Oh, I didn't want to be a bother. I'd probably just get in the way now." He blushed a little in shame. "I didn't mean to make you look all over for me. Sorry."
Dear sweet heavenly God almighty how she missed that.
"So… Shinji-kun," Misato said with a smile, taking a seat next to him. "How are you?"
"Oh, uh, okay. How are you? I've been meaning to congratulate you on your promotion. I really haven't seen you since the Angels stopped attacking and I, well, moved out of your apartment."
"I've been… good. Good. No problems. It isn't like my home is waist deep in filth and garbage. I mean, I can do my own laundry. I'm not buying new outfits whenever my old ones get dirty. And I haven't been ordering takeout every night because I can't wash the dishes or cook for myself. And Penpen isn't a walking flea home since he hasn't had a bath in weeks. And it isn't like Asuka is driving me crazy. I mean, I don't stand over her bed every night while she's asleep with a loaded gun while I listen to her moan your name. That sounds like a pretty awful life, right?"
"Yeah," Shinji said. "I'm glad yours isn't anything like that. Say," he said, looking around, "where's Kaji-san? I haven't seen him in a while." He secretly hoped she had made up with the spy, so she could be as happy as he was.
"Him?" Misato scoffed disdainfully. "Agent Mulder is off getting plastered again. Since the Angel attacks are over, and NERV has lost whatever power it once held, his search for the truth has, well, become kind of pointless. Nobody really cares anymore. And seeing as how my personal crusade never really took off, I don't care either. It's allowed me to pursue other avenues."
Such as her latent pedophilia.
"Besides," she went on, "I just woke up one day and realized how absolutely creepy it is to be chased after by a man who is exactly like my dad. I grew out of my Elektra complex years ago."
"Oh," the boy said. "But, well, my days are pretty packed recently, and I was hoping you had something to fill your time as well. I don't want to seem presumptuous, but I always thought that you and Mr. Kaji were… well…"
"Hon, he is so in the past," Misato began with a leering grin. "But funny you should mention that…"
Just then Aoba staggered by wearing a beer hat.
"Who's the hot new chick?" he slurred, pointing at Shinji.
"I really need to rescind that new on shift drinking policy." The major rubbed her eyes. "Aoba-kun, get your ass back to the command bridge. You're killing the atmosphere."
"What?"
"Just give me the results from the test. How are tweedle blue and tweedle pain in my ass?"
"Um…" Aoba stared off into the distance, slowly blinking one eye then the other. "Um… they… passed?"
"Fantastic. Now get out my sight. I'm putting you on Hyuuga patrol. I don't want that loser within twenty yards of my position, understood?"
"Um… what?"
"Let me rephrase that." Misato pulled out her sidearm and cocked it in one fluid motion. "Get the hell out of here before I ventilate your face."
Aoba, who had always responded well to physical harm, saluted and ran off into a broom closet. Which was fairly close to the command bridge, so he gets points for trying.
"Idiot," Misato grumbled.
Shinji, being quite familiar with his former guardian's manic mood swings, quietly zoned out into his happy place, which included his mother, his cello, and a pantry full of cleaning products, and waited until the threat of murder was no longer in the air. Which gave his face a deceptively placid and serene look. Which in turn spurred the major on.
Misato mustered all her courage, meaning she took a long swig out of a flask in her jacket. As liquid confidence warmed her insides, she felt ready to confront anything. And by anything, I mean anything.
"Shinji-kun…" she began.
"… yes?" the boy responded, regaining lucidity.
"Well," Misato said casually, "I was just… thinking, and, you know, if you aren't doing anything later maybe we could, oh, I don't know, catch a late supper? For old time's sake?" With every word she leaned in a little closer to the boy. "I know this really nice little cafe in town that serves a wicked gin and tonic and doesn't card. I mean sure, it's technically in the red light district, but hey, who knows where the night will lead us, right?"
By now she was practically hanging over Shinji, letting her fingers trickle down the front of his shirt, where they started massaging his chest. Shinji, never having anyone manhandle his nipples before, merely thought Misato was lost. Or drunk. It wasn't like this was the first time she physically assaulted him. But the less said about that dark cold night the better. He could still smell the haunting fragrance of stale beer and leather harnesses.
"Um… Misato-san?"
"Yes?"
"Ah… did you lose something down the front of my shirt?" Shinji prided himself at not completely freaking out at the first sign of physical contact. Living with his mother again, he was getting used to warm hugs and affectionate little kisses. And coexisting with Asuka and Rei, he was quickly being desensitized to rabid clawings and slobbering smooches.
"Am I bothering you?" Misato asked playfully. "It's just been awhile since we've seen each other. Can't I say hello to my favorite little man?"
With Kaji drowning his problems to a degree even Misato found obscene, she realized what she really wanted in a man, little or no, was not a scruffy clone of her father. Creepy. She desired someone who would care for her, genuinely care. Someone who would appreciate her, and not just for her amazing beer-toned figure.
She wanted a mature man who knew how to treat a woman like a queen. She wanted to go beyond a simple physical connection to something deep and spiritually meaningful. She was tired of drunken flings and one night stands. She wanted someone to love her, for who she was, body and soul. Someone who could look past the childishness, the explosive temper, the goofiness, the messiness; the surface, to see who she truly was.
Someone like… Shinji.
Age doesn't matter, Misato thought, proud of her mental faculties. I mean, after all, he's risked his life dozens of times. And by my calculations on that martini napkin last night, every near death experience adds five point six years to your life, making him… adequately legal. And ripe for the plucking.
She looked at him, his shy good looks, the almost feminine elegance he possessed. He was beautiful, really. His gentle demeanor, his quiet intelligence and calm disposition all soothed Misato. Mostly because he'd be hers to command in bed. Just like manipulating a giant robot. An Evangelion, if you will. Shinji was the major's own personal Unit-X, so to speak.
She wiped a thin line of drool from her lips and quickly drained the rest of her flask.
Yes, there was definitely going to be plucking. Very soon. Time permitting, right now, before she had to report back to the bridge. Granted, a drunken quickie in one of NERV's halls wasn't exactly what she thought Shinji would want from his first time, but they had years to flesh out all of his fantasies. And the sooner they started, the sooner they started.
"Mi-Misato-san?" Shinji asked, trembling as Misato inhaled his scent near his ear.
"Shinji-kun… I know I'd probably cheat on you, since few people really get a decent grasp of my character, and the fact that I have no predisposition to infidelity. Hell, I was cheated on! I know how painful it is! Why would I ever subject anyone else to it?"
She huffed a sigh out.
"Anyway. I just feel like, I don't know, maybe… we… could be… good together." She cringed as she waited for a response.
"Misato-san," Shinji said, his brow beetling. "What are you saying?"
Still as dense as a Sea of Dirac.
"Shinji-kun," she said gently, "you make me feel… good. Better than I've felt in a long time. You make me want to be good. I can't remember the last time I really wanted that. But when I'm with you, I just feel so… light. You help me forget about all the bad things that have happened to me. Just being with you helps me forget. You make me feel like I could start having happy memories… and I want to make happy memories with you."
Granted it was a sweet, genuine sentiment. But the slight drunken slur she delivered it in kind of killed the mood. Nevertheless she confidently strode ahead, and ducked her head down, lightly rubbing the end of her nose against his. She smiled as he gasped, and dove in for the kill. The kill, meaning his innocence.
So enraptured with each other, neither heard the calamitous stomping careening down the hall towards them.
"Misato!" Asuka roared, still clad in her plug suit and dripping LCL everywhere. "Get away from him this instant! If anyone corrupts Shinji, it'll be me!"
"Asuka," the major growled. "Impeccable timing as always." She straightened up and dusted herself off. "Don't you have another stuffed animal tea party to get to?"
"You were watching me?" The redhead's fury grew in leaps and bounds. "Well at least I don't have to trick kids into satisfying any drunken itch that creeps up my withered old carcass."
"Back off, junior," the major growled. "Shinji-kun needs an older, experienced woman to take care of him and show him the ropes. And by ropes, I literally mean that. Ropes. To tie him up with."
"Older is the operative word, Misato. Why not choose someone closer to your age, like, oh I don't know, commander Fuyutsuki?"
"Bitch!"
"Slut!"
Shinji happily zoned out of conscious thought. It seemed to him that he was doing that a lot more recently.
"Where's you little co-conspirator?" Misato sneered. "That delightful albino that follows you everywhere like a pasty shadow?"
"She's only sticking near me until Shinji chooses, you hag. And she's still outside, on your orders, in Unit-00 clearing the rain clouds with that weird Spear of Longinus thing. God. I never met anyone who hated rainy days more than you." Asuka scoffed. "Why don't you go slum it with Kaji? You two used to be an item, right? I'm sure there are a few STDs you haven't caught yet. Go for the gold."
"Giving up on your hopeless crush? Just as well. I heard Kaji doesn't like small women." The major struck a model-esque pose, mostly for Shinji's benefit. "And honey, they don't get much smaller than you."
"I'm only fourteen," the redhead bristled. "I don't have the luxury of your old age or life of excess. And I doubt Shinji wants to wade through all your wrinkles and gin soaked folds to find whatever woman is left after the booze has had its way with you."
"Well from what I understand, a little alcohol isn't going to be a bad idea." Misato glanced at Shinji with an odd look in her eye. "I think I'm going to need it the first few times. As Kaji was my last known lover, I can safely say I've never been with someone of Shinji-kun's… ahem, stature."
And then the major made an obscene gesture that even I find disgusting, to illustrate Shinji's endowment, using both arms, her hands and a tape measure.
"How did you find out about that?" Asuka gasped.
"Are you kidding me? I have eyes. Specifically, I have eyes trained on his junk. You'd be surprised how many office betting pools popped up when he arrived. Sadly, I lost the spread, but I aim to win the prize."
"The hell you will!"
As Asuka and Misato's verbal sparring match degenerated into a full on brawl, a ghostly whisper of a teen glided through the halls of NERV, intent on a singular goal. Hint: it was the same goal nearly everyone else had in this story.
It was Kaworu, the tangent in tennis shoes, who had successfully infiltrated NERV. As he crested the hall corner and saw Shinji, a wispy smile appeared on his lips, and he made his way to the boy, taking care to avoid detection by the two women who were brawling nearby.
"Shinji-kun needs a mature woman to take care of him!" Misato bit out, wrestling against the redhead. "Not a little kid with a big superiority complex!"
"And you'd crush Shinji with that excess baggage you call hips!" Asuka yelled back. "You could never match my love for him, which burns with the pure intensity of a thousand Roman candles!"
"I believe the Roman society was the height of the Lilin culture," Kaworu said. "Don't you agree, Ikari Shinji?"
"Um… come again?" Shinji said, regaining conscious thought.
Kaworu shivered.
"Hey!" Asuka shouted, halting her grapple with Misato. "How the hell did the albino he-she get inside? Where is our security?"
"Ah…" The major cleared her throat. "Ever since the Angels stopped attacking, NERV has had an open door policy regarding weird looking teenagers. Can't have too many pilots. You know, just in case something horrific and unexpected happens."
The Angel alarm sounded, announcing just such an unexpected and horrific coincidence.
The group hurried to the command bridge, meeting an absolutely chaotic room.
"Status report!" Misato shouted at a coat rack. She was still a bit tipsy.
"Um… we have an Angel signature," Hyuuga said, glancing away from his manga long enough to check the sensors.
"I thought they all left! Where is it?"
"Impossible!" Maya yelled. "It's inside the base!"
"That's my line!" Ritsuko shouted back. "Yours is to inform us how futile our efforts are!"
"I am not getting into this again with you two," Misato growled. "Both of you are only here to kill my hope. Accept it and move on. And give me a real status report!"
"A huge power source," Hyuuga said, "rising from the depths of the base."
"Correction!" Maya exclaimed. "We have multiple signatures! Each incredibly strong. But they're traveling together like a school of fish."
"We have visual… now," Hyuuga said.
The main monitor flickered to life. Filling the screen, literally overflowing it, were dozens and dozens of Ayanami Reis, all looking none too happy, and nude to boot. Hyuuga instantly took a greater interest in the unfolding events.
"It has been far too long since… we were fed," the Reis spoke. "Give us… what is ours…"
Misato blinked.
Ritsuko blinked.
Fuyutsuki blinked.
Maya blinked.
Shinji blinked.
Asuka blinked.
Kaworu blinked.
Hyuuga blinked.
Outside in Unit-00, Rei blinked.
Back at the house, Gendo and Yui blinked.
Somewhere Aoba could be heard screaming like a little girl.
"I know I'm going to regret asking this…" Misato muttered, massaging her temples. "But what do you… eat?"
Hundreds of crimson eyes swam towards their prey, alight with mischievous delight and hunger.
"Um… why are they looking at me?" Shinji asked, panicky terror dawning in him. "Why are they looking at me when you asked what they eat? Why isn't anyone answering me? Oh God, someone say something!"
"The former commander has much to answer for," Misato said. She looked up to the new commander, feeling completely lost. "Sir, do you know what this is about? There are… clones of Rei?"
"Huh," Fuyutsuki said. "You know, I thought there was something I forgot. And this was it. I feel better now."
"Sir, an actual explanation would be nice!"
"Um…" The old man waited until all eyes fell on him. Without Gendo at his side, he was lonely and decided to spill NERV's secrets for a little attention. "Well, the Rei we all know was not the first Rei born. She was hard to manage and had a nasty tendency to make people kill her. But we worked extra hard on our Rei to give her the sparkling personality you're all acquainted with. But we were left with a whole bunch of additional Reis, so we kind of… pooled all the other versions in a giant fish tank and sealed it. We were able to keep them in line with… well, it seems Rei, in any form, has a taste for… Shinji. And… well it looks like they've missed the past few meals of doctored pictures and surveillance feeds, meaning if we don't act fast this will transform into some kind of nightmarish lemon."
Staring at the horde of Reis close in on him from the main monitor, Shinji felt something strange and powerful deep within him. Specifically, it was Asuka grabbing his left buttock in terror.
But he was on the verge of something deeper when Kaworu, with his impeccable talent for sensing opportunities, discovered he'd rather throw his lot in with several hundred hungry clones than spend one more minute with Asuka, and made his move.
"Ha!" the pale boy said, grabbing Shinji from behind. He levitated off the ground, and as everyone turned to gape in abject shock, he flew off through the base, intent on striking a deal with the marauding pack of nude albino clones. I mean, come on. They had so much in common.
As Kaworu was speeding down a narrow hall to the Reis, an unsettlingly tall figure rose to block his path.
"Don't worry," Adam Kadmon said, popping up from out of nowhere, "I'll save the day!"
"The hell you will," hundreds of Reis said.
Each clone then proceeded to use their AT Fields on a different part of Adam's body, grab hold, and pull, like so much salt water taffy, Kadmon flavor.
"My only regret… is appearing in this fic!"
Soon all that was left of the Seventh Children was a twisted splatter of red paste on the floor of Terminal Dogma. No, really. He's gone for good this time.
"We need to stop those clones!" Misato shouted back in Central Dogma. "Where's the real Rei?"
"She's still outside in the city in Unit-00," Maya reported. "She should be back in a few minutes."
"Asuka," the major ordered, "get ready to sortie in Unit-02. I'll be damned before a pack of genetic spare parts steal away my private scratching post!" She struck a dramatic pose and pointed to the heavens. "Get ready for Operation Harinezubunre! Let's get Shinji-kun back!"
Meanwhile, at the last defensive barrier of Terminal Dogma, Kaworu had successfully made contact with the nude Tang princess parade, who were making their way out of NERV to the world beyond to either claim freedom or break into the modeling industry.
"Give us…" they spoke in creepy monotone unison, "… what is ours…"
"Social skills… a no," Kaworu said. "This is why I don't like girls. So needy. Give give give, take take take. I have needs too, you know."
Several dozen red eyes flashed in anger.
"Ooookay," the pale boy said. He threw Shinji at the horde. "He's all yours. I can wait for sloppy seconds."
Ew. Too far?
Shinji, in a near vegetative state with a teaming mass of flesh and blue hair bearing down on him, did what he needs to do at least once every fic, give us that reality bending scream of his. What a set of lungs.
Which unfortunately had a very… shall we say "positive" effect on the Rei host. They were currently in the process of drawing straws to see who got to try it out to its fullest first, when the wall near them collapsed into rubble and Units -00 and -02 barged in, armed to the proverbial teeth and itching for a fight.
"I always knew you came from a freak show family," Asuka said to Rei upon seeing the clone multitude.
"You are one to talk," the pale girl replied, glancing surreptitiously at the red mech beside her.
"Alright," the Second Children yelled from her cockpit, "I've had it up to here with you damn albinos! Soon you'll all be nothing but pale smudges on my armor plated heels!"
The red Evangelion charged ahead, intent on releasing all the frustration that coexisting with Ikari Shinji and Ayanami Rei entails. Sadly, the Progressive Knife in her hands did little against the combined AT Fields of the Rei host. Like a stick of butter against a brick wall. Or her advances against Shinji's chastity.
"Damn!" Asuka hissed, watching helplessly as the clones descended on Shinji behind the force field. "Blue! A little assistance would be divine!"
"You are powerless without me," Rei muttered, and prepared to enter the fray. "Though you are of my blood and body," she said, addressing the clones, "you are no family of mine."
"Aid us," they answered, "and we shall share our prize."
"… really?" The pale girl seriously considered the offer. "No; I do not accept. I would rather compete solely against Soryu, who as far as I know is disease-free, than an entire multitude of, I must say, very attractive young ladies."
"If you are not with us," the Reis spoke, "then you are against us."
The host lowered their AT Field, and engaged the two Evangelions in a fierce battle, which I'll gloss over since I really hate writing action.
"Damn!" Asuka swore as she fell back to regroup. "These chalky trollops are tougher than they look!"
"Failure is not acceptable," Rei said, ducking under a flash of hexagonal orange. "We must retrieve Ikari."
"Ha ha ha," the clones tried to laugh as they shrugged off the next assault. "Is this all you have to offer? Pathetic. It will bring us great pleasure as we make Ikari ours again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again as you watch helplessly."
Of course, during the battle, and the taunting, Kaworu had decided to scoop Shinji up and hightail it out of there as fast as possible to find a nice, secluded place to do stuff to him. But since NERV and its sterile halls were not exactly conducive to romance, the angel of Free Will made his way out of the labyrinthine fortress to the city above.
"I think I saw a nice hotel a couple blocks back," he muttered, hugging Shinji close. "Near that charming little boutique with the cute window dressings and floral arrangements…"
Just then, the street, buildings and landscape behind him for several miles vanished in a burst of orange, and the Rei host and Units -00 and -02 climbed up to ground level from the Geofront in pursuit of Shinji and screaming bloody murder.
"Crap!" Kaworu yelled in panic. And flew into a wall without looking.
And Shinji, like the proverbial football that he is, slipped from his pale hands and plummeted to the ground.
Only to be caught mere millimeters from the jagged asphalt by the clones who used their AT Fields like a catcher's mitt.
"Phew!" Asuka sighed. "Thanks for the save, creepy."
She then slugged a group of clones with a metal-shod fist.
The city erupted in fiery conflict, as Asuka and Rei, and Kaworu and the clones met in battle. The kind of battle I'd unfairly butcher if I tried to write it out. So just use your imaginations. There. Isn't it amazing?
A little too amazing for Asuka and Rei, as they were eventually overpowered and forced back to regroup. Even with the strength of two Evangelions at their disposal, the Children were outclassed against the clone host.
"Ha ha ha," the clones said. "You are no match for our might. We have had years to perfect our strategy to secure Ikari. You have no hope. Prepare to die."
"Unacceptable," Rei managed to groan as she pulled on her controls.
"Shiest!" Asuka swore, suddenly feeling like speaking in another language.
"Ha ha ha." The clones closed in for the kill.
And their looming over his friends finally snapped Shinji back to the world of the waking.
"Asuka… Ayanami…"
Seeing his closest friends face down certain death, Shinji felt something break, deep inside him. It was like a dam bursting open, and a rushing, unstoppable torrent of power and energy came pouring through the portal. It flowed out over his entire body, giving him dominance over any and all weakness that held him back so many times, that prevented him from aiding his friends and family. It was a strength that trumped all other concerns and fears, compelling him into action.
Wait. I mean… action!
"Don't you touch them!!"
Shinji roared. Several buildings imploded from the force of his voice. Streaming energy snaked out from his small body, tearing the city up like so much confetti. It buffeted his body off the ground, the pulsing power lifting him high into the air.
The assembled combatants all stopped to gape at the empowered Third Children.
"Um…" Kaworu coughed. "Did you know he could do that?"
"No, but I had always dreamed. Say, weren't we in the middle of something?"
"Oh, right. Let's continue."
"No!" Shinji screamed. "I… I won't let anyone else get hurt. Never again. Never again!"
The burning strength and power rushed through every inch of him inside and out like a full body enema that flushed all weakness and cowardice from him in an explosion of force and might. Meaning he was like totally strong and stuff.
And suddenly Shinji found he could fly, and project an AT-Field, and do all sorts of cool things which I'll reveal as I think of them.
"I suddenly don't see this ending well," Kaworu said.
The Third Children then began to carefully wage war on the Rei host, who were all too happy to do battle with him. A fight where you can literally wind up with extra body parts has all sorts of benefits for a clone who has been trapped in a fish tank for over a decade.
But Shinji was in no rush to swap bodies, and was dodging the host's advances, while simultaneously drawing them away from Units -00 and -02. It was a testament to his incredible skill and power that he was able to fend off the entire clone army.
"What an immense hidden strength!" Fuyutsuki said back in NERV. "I never would have guessed."
Ritsuko, unable to find any kind of scientific explanation for the turn in events, exploded.
"Wow," Misato said in awe. "This kind of throws all of our scientific credibility out the window, but still. Wow."
Back on the battleground, Shinji continued his one-man domination of the fight, much to the delight of all the participants.
"Yowza!" Asuka squealed from the debilitated Unit-02. "What a man!"
"Ikari-kun is so… forceful," Rei sighed, almost dreamily.
"I guess I'll be the sub," Kaworu said, sounding a bit too eager.
The clone host, mostly for an excuse to touch him, was continuing to attack Shinji half-heartedly. Just enough to keep up a presentable combat face, and keep him motivated to prolong the fight. And to stretch their bodies out a bit. Being cooped up in a fish tank for fourteen years can cause some serious muscle cramps.
Actually, wait. Fourteen years…? Impossible. Yui died in 2004, right? So how can Rei be fourteen years old in 2015? Shouldn't she be eleven? Did Yui know about Rei? Did they use some sort of accelerated aging device? What's going on?
Wait. Who cares? Back to the battle.
AT-Fields clashed in the sky, crackling like thunder and flashing like lightning. Buildings shattered like glass under the tremendous forces exerted, asphalt rippled and splintered, cars detonated like bombs, bicycles started talking, cats chased dogs, people on the streets ate their weight in tangerines. Basically, things just went crazy.
And at the center of the storm, Shinji fought with every once of his hidden power, but was still careful not to destroy his opponents. He didn't want the any casualties, even a clone, on his head. That, and it was kind of hard to focus on life and death struggles when you were fighting several dozen naked girls.
Has Shinji's libido returned for real this time? Find out in the lemon side story!
"Why… don't… you… just… stop…!" he bit out, his new powers taking their toll.
Abruptly, the clone host stopped fighting.
"Wha… what the…?" the Third Children began.
"All you had to do was ask," the clones said. "Hint hint."
"Oh," he said, thinking fast. "Um… promise you won't attack my friends anymore and, um, we'll get you some… food. I swear."
"Anything you ask, we shall do. Again, hint hint."
"Phew!" Shinji said, wiping his forehead. "Thank goodness that's over."
"How can you be so blasé about all of this?" Asuka shouted at him. "You're flying, Shinji! Doesn't that strike you as odd? Even a little bit?"
"We're piloting giant robots, battling a clone army, and that is cause for alarm?" Rei asked.
Shinji slowly levitated down to the ruined street below, in between Units -00 and -02, surrounded by several dozen nude Ayanami Reis. And Kaworu, who I just remembered was in this story.
"Gott," Asuka said, not liking Shinji in the middle of that pale flesh albino blanket. "What is it with you Japanese and pale, antisocial, waifish teenagers?"
Further exploration on that topic was cut short by Misato, whose voice crackled over the tactical network in the Evangelions.
"Um… we have some bad news."
"I accidentally destroyed everyone's homes during the fight?" Shinji repeated in horror.
"Yup." Misato did her best not to look gaspingly amused. She gestured to the main screen in the command bridge, which unapologetically displayed a topographical map of Tokyo-3, carved in half. "Everyone on the east side of the city is now, well, out of a home."
"Oh God! I am so sorry!"
"Oh, there there, Shinji-kun. It's no big deal, right? It's just steel and wood and concrete. Nothing that can't be replaced."
"Whoa-ho-ho-ho," Asuka broke in. "Why are you being so casual about this Misato? Losing a home is a huge thing."
"Well… um… until the city starts rebuilding, ah, there's only one apartment complex left in Tokyo-3. And everyone is going to be staying there indefinitely." She cringed, awaiting the response.
"You mean… you mean our apartment! No way!" Asuka pulled her hair. "I will not coexist with the First! Everyday at school and NERV is bad enough!"
"It's not just Rei," Misato said. "Think about someone else who you see everyday, who you share time with in school and at work, someone you actually like…?"
As the list of people Asuka "actually liked" started and stopped with Ikari Shinji, she naturally thought of Ikari Shinji.
"You mean… Shinji gets to move back in with us? Hot dog! I am going to wear him out like a pair of running shoes!"
"Not so quick, Asuka." The major cleared her throat and scratched the back of her head. "Ah, I said ours is the only apartment complex left. Meaning, we're going to be getting a few more residents than Shinji-kun."
"… how many more?"
"Around the scale of… everyone in the city."
"… what?" Asuka screamed.
"I am not complaining," Rei said.
"Um… also…" Shinji meekly spoke up. Despite his new Godlike powers, he was still as shy as ever now that the fighting was done. "During the scene change I sort of promised the Rei clones they could stay with me."
"… what?" Asuka screamed again.
"Well…" The boy toed the floor nervously. "They just looked so lost, and they said they didn't have anywhere else to go, and I feel a little responsible for them, and they were real insistent on paying my father back for abandoning them… and I mean, come on. They're not monsters."
"Yes they are!"
"We can argue about this later," Misato said. "Right now I have to organize the fleet of moving vans needed to transport whatever's left of everyone's personal belongings to our complex. For Rei, I don't know, I guess I can just give her a plastic shopping bag. Anyway, it's a good thing I'm the only person actually living there, otherwise we'd be screwed. I guess all the booze, loud music, parties, weird pets, annoying children and negligent adults finally paid off. This calls for another party!"
"So we're just forgetting about all the Angel clones and homo boy over there?"
"Which part of 'this calls for another party' didn't you understand?"
Apparently all of it, since this really does call for a party. Also, Shinji made the clones and Kaworu pinky-promise not to attack the city anymore and be on their best behavior. And, like the poorly written, sexually anomalous albinos you people are hell bent on making them into, they agreed, hoping to score points with the Third Children.
So everything worked out. The city, though partially destroyed, was safe. The secrets of NERV, though horrific and shocking, were manageable. And the advent of the final Angel, though making homophobes cringe, was shown to be no threat at all. Hip-hooray. And Shinji acquired a few dozen extra potential mates, plus super powers. I really, really want this to be over now.
"Shinji-kun," Misato said to him. "You were amazing out there. How can I ever thank you for all you've done?" Please say get drunk and make me a man until I can't walk straight.
"I'm happy enough just to be moving back with you," the boy said with a soft smile.
"Damn your naiveté and pure intentions."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."
And so Misato got her old roommate back, along with the rest of the main cast. To kill some more space, I'll name them for you. Maya, Hyuuga, Aoba, Fuyutsuki, Gendo and Yui, Kensuke, Touji, Hikari, Kaji, and Ritsuko (if she somehow manages to reform herself).
Oh, and because Shinji realized his potential, a la Dragonball Z, any and all future attacks on the city will be handled by the Third Children. His "hidden power" was enough to retire Asuka and Rei permanently. Isn't sexism great?
But for the purposes of this story, and my own sense of "humor," they weren't complaining. Even though they had trained their entire lives for the Angel attacks, had the most experience, and the most skill. Who cares, right? No dickery, no victory.
But anyway. Misato's apartment complex was alive and brimming with cast members now, and I could launch into another scene where they're all joking around, or chasing after Shinji, or having a giant orgy, but this fic is way too long as it is. So, I'll just go straight to the conclusion.
A lone figure stood on the roof of the complex, carefully watching the many people below. Looking down upon His children, Penpen, God of all humanity, smiled.
"Things are finally looking up," he spoke. "For my chosen, and her friends. It warms my warm water avian heart. I can only hope that young Ikari boy will find happiness. Or, a harem. Which might fall under the happiness category. Who am I, lord of all creation, to judge? Plus, some of those chicks are pretty hot."
And before this turns anthropomorphically inappropriate, Penpen spread his wings and majestically soared back to Misato's apartment, inwardly chuckling as he already heard Asuka, who was using a megaphone to scream all the various injustices done to her since the last scene change, and Rei, who was acting as a big sister to the clone host, trying to teach them how to function in society, drawing from her years of experience as an animated house fixture.
And Shinji was just happy to be among friends and family, and to have super powers. Which the more science-minded cast members were still puzzling out. But for everyone else, it was just a cool bonus to knowing the shy boy. Case in point: Kensuke wet himself.
But having his kind of abilities takes practice to control. Kaworu immediately volunteered to act as a tutor.
"Though I don't know why he insists we train naked," Shinji said.
He was the only one complaining. Seems the entire cast had taken to watching his instruction like a sports crowd. Complete with popcorn, beer, foam fingers and body paint. Most of which were used exclusively by Misato. Everyone else was, uh, somewhere around there too. Use your imaginations.
And they all lived happily ever after. For real this time. Unless I get more ideas. Then more shit will happen, and then they'll all live happily ever after again. Unless… maybe I could make a parody darkfic. Where everyone dies in an amusing manner.
Oh, and I promise I'll get a real update for IKHW soon. Plus my Hikari story is coming along nicely. Also, my yaoi fic is almost done. Can't post it here. Check mediaminer in a week or so.
The end.
Happily ever after and all that.
Now go away.
No, really; I'm tired and want to sleep.
I need down time between posts. I'm not a machine.
Leave.
Freaking hell... why won't you stop hounding me?
I'm just one man. One very creepy, messed up, confused, slothful, weird, libido-free, unable-to-grow-a-mustache man.
It's about quality, people. Quality over quantity. But since I have no quality, it's just about me being lazy. So I'll only ask you once.
Can I stop now?
Author notes: let's see. Shinji hung like a stallion? Check. Everybody hitting on Shinji? Check. Sort of. Kaworu as a poorly written, sex obsessed gay? Check. Misato getting drunk and seducing Shinji? Check. Self-insert? Check. Shinji's astronomical hidden power? Checkity check. Lame ending? Wait. That's only a cliché for my stories.
When I wrote the first Something Awful, I fully intended it to be a oneshot. But the response was so positive I decided to find a few more clichés. Also, someone accused me of being artistic with my endings. I couldn't let that one slide.
Harinezubunre is a combination of two Japanese words. Try and guess which two.
I'm leaving this one open, in case I do want to return someday, or if I think of some more clichés. I couldn't work in the whole "Rei getting drunk and telling it how it is," cliché, sorry. Did I miss any other ones? Feel free to leave me a review.