Author Note: Thank you for the reviews. I really appreciate it. I hope you all enjoy the chapters to come.

Chapter Two

Confessions

A wave of emotions filled her. Her eyes welled and one blink would result in the tears pouring from her eyes, she was moved by anything he had to say. If it was the phone book she'd be moved by how he would name every name. There were millions of things she wanted to say but all she could feel is how much is a failure her romantic life is a big giant dead end that would only lead to heartbreak for both of them.

"I'm unlovable, Sean." It was beautiful though what he said and after all it was what she had always been dreaming of and it was everything she wanted to hear. She just wish she knew before but he had beat her to that punch by apologizing for that delay. Everything that she didn't feel she was worthy of. Not anymore.

"How could you say that?" Sean furrowed.

"Is there any wonder I'm alone? Isn't that proof enough? I've pushed everyone away. It's arguably what I do best." Emma wiped the bottom of her eyes with her hand, "I wouldn't say Liberty and I were ever truly close and Manny I haven't talked to them in months. I didn't know how to tell you this and I don't know how you'll react because – God knows last time a bombshell was brought to you how you'd react now."

"What you pregnant or something?"

Emma shook her head somewhat amused by Sean's hopeless attempt to lighten the subject, he would probably think up another reason because he still saw things good about her. He had to know the truth though as sad and depressing as it is. "Truth is I was married before.

Sean spat out his coffee in reaction. Her eyes widened, surprised that he didn't walk right out the door and she wordlessly pulled out the chamois rag near the latte station and cleaned up the mess quickly throwing the now soiled rag in the sink.

"I was drunk in Niagara Falls."

Sean laughed.

"You're really laughing? It's not funny."

"It's just unexpected is all. Unexpected of you."

"Ever since I was a little girl I wanted this perfect wedding that would later unfold into this perfect marriage, with perfect everything picket fences and cooking food, cuddling on the couch, no arguments possibly a dog or something. Here I am and I don't even remember my wedding. We almost annulled the stupid thing. Truthfully I don't know why I didn't but I just was tired of being alone. I hate myself because I used to judge people for making some bozo decision like that and I did something like that myself! I sound like a giant hypocrite. I just never imagined that stuff for me. Look who I used to be. Now look at me, flunked out of college, distant from life long friends and now this black stain on my life being divorced from a guy I did a science project with when I was in the eighth grade cleaning up after a fire I caused trying to help him get over his ex girlfriend I didn't even know her or him for that matter. The stranger served me food for years, barely said eight words to me aside from would you like more bread sticks or another soda here and there but yet was suddenly my husband. I slept beside a stranger for six months. I just feel so stupid." Emma swallowed hard as her tears fell freely, "You don't know me anymore, Sean and the Emma you used to know . . . "

"Is still there. Always fixating on being perfect and you are perfect . . . you know I'll never think of you any different. Who were you married to?"

Emma sniffled nervously as she was making a cyclone of her coffee with the spoon and looked at him point blank, "Tell me Sean, who did you come in here looking for?"

Bewildered Sean questioned, "Spinner?"

Emma turned around not facing him, taking a sip of her coffee, "Believe me, I wanted to write you. What could I have said?"

Sean hesitated, "I understand. I do."

Emma sat on the chair, and held on to her cup, "I wrote you letters all the time. Some I never even bothered sending. Then, I thought maybe this whole wedding was a mistake because I halfway hoped that maybe if you did come to it you'd . . stop it. Snap me out of this crazy thing. I just thought that wasn't something you'd want to hear about, I wanted to even invite you to our friends and family wedding but I knew I couldn't face you with that decision you'd tell me I was being stupid I didn't listen to anybody I just didn't want to be alone but I didn't think I'd feel even worse knowing I know nothing about him. He just wasn't enough for me. He was so nice to me and he was polite, respectful and never wanted to make waves. He was a good person but I didn't deserve that because I settled for it even if it's not in my heart. I wanted to get married so bad because I fucked up college and it would take my mind off it, ease that disappointment but I feel like the ink barely dried on the license before I realized that too was a mistake. I should have known. We butt heads a lot, I made him hate me I pushed him away. I'm no good, Sean."

"Emma, I don't care I don't. I assure you I can live with the fact, I do live with that fact and you know what it doesn't change how I feel because I felt this for so long. I don't care what you did. I know once I overreacted. . when I got mad when I wasn't even with you when you hooked up with Jay. I know. . and I feel terrible about that still. When I was deployed you were the main motivator. Better myself and I'd find my way to you again."

"Sean guess who cares? I do! Because it was my mistake and I guess . . I don't know anymore. All I ever wanted was you, Sean. A-and then when I did find something it just reinforces everything I ever felt since I was twelve. A-and assume you never walked in here tonight or if he was here instead of me you would've found out through him you would've hated me. I would've never known your feelings. Honestly I thought you were going to walk out as soon as I told you the truth. It's exhausting. I thought I was dreaming when you came in here. Heck, I think I might be dreaming this very moment. I thought I'd never see you again. But I can't lie to you, I can't turn off my feelings for you but I know you deserve to hear it from nobody but me. I used to be scared to tell you things. You held your feelings for me inside of you, I was the reason you pushed yourself as hard as you did but I'm not worthy of your affections. I'm not worthy of this love you have for me because I don't have love in me! I'm ruined, I'm weak! I should have just waited for you but I grew tired of that because I thought you'd never come back to me or that I'd ever see you again. I tried to move on, yeah lasted a few months . . I just still felt for you and it felt all wrong."

"But you do have love in you, Emma. You wouldn't say these things just to say. Maybe you don't believe it because you have it complicated. We have always had this complicated thing and yeah it sucks because it's never worked out but I still see it and you love me so you have love. . but if you don't walk to talk about this stuff, I understand that too."

After a long pause, Emma took a sip of her coffee, "Try it."

Sean took his cup and took a sip, "Delicious." He blushed sighing, "I understand."

"I know you do." Emma just smiled.

"Since I should have closed things down here and closed awhile ago, why don't we get out and take a walk when we finish our coffee? Where are you staying?"

"I'm staying at Jay's, temporarily until I find an apartment."

"To answer your question about Spinner for the record I have no idea where he's been for the past six months but between you and me I'm sort of worried though. Off the record I know I shouldn't be because I told him to go because I was angry at how it all ended up. That it would be best if he left town so I could heal. I just didn't think he'd actually follow through with it. I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want to be with him. Seeing the way we left things it was him who was still wanting this marriage and I wanted out. I mean, no call no anything to me but I understand why but for Jay? His best friend it's just plain weird. I know he's alive just . . doesn't want to be contacted. He's told me he hasn't a clue where he's been either and he hasn't contacted our friends but he's distant like me but completely cut off from everything and everyone."

"I'm sure he's fine. Maybe he got out-of-town and took a trip or something."

"I have no idea." Emma shook her head wearily, "I just hope he's happy. I feel like it's my fault that it ended."

Emma was sure Sean wasn't really paying attention during the silence that followed as she grabbed the dishrag she managed to playfully throw it at his head, bewildered he pulled it from him and laughed, his laugh was so loud it filled the room, even less conviction and half-joking he asked, "You want to mess with me? I'm big trouble."

Sean playfully tossed the rag back to her, which she caught with her face as well.

She was overcome with laughter, Sean followed suit and then finally she spoke, "It's funny. I haven't thought of that in years, it makes me kind of happy."

Sean got over his bought of laughter and smiled, "It makes me happy too. I've missed you."

Emma looked at him. "You know I've always missed you every time you'd go away and I was . . . you scared me when you came back. I didn't expect it at all. Still got the picture?"

Sean went into his wallet and pulled out two images, the one from the infamous first date, the one with them much older. She remembered the later - that day like it was yesterday. He asked her to take that photo with him. She treated it like it was the last time she'd ever see him and it scared her more than it let one. She wanted to make it count. No guy ever came close to what she had with Sean; he was in a class by himself.

Emma has always had a knack to fall hard and fall fast, probably stemming from her life without a father before finally accepting the truth about her biological father and accepting Archie as her father. Even after she grappled with constants or people she thought would be constantly there. When she was with Damien she appreciated his smarts but quickly she regrets ever dating him, with Chris she liked his smooth flirtatious ways and his music they would give one another burned cds as anniversary presents he would listen to her music and she was listening to his music and sometimes he would get his brother to teach him how to make mixes and mashups of the two sometimes they were sworn hits and others were misses completely and Kelly was a lot like her but much more relaxed they were homebodies away from home and arguably better friends than they ever were while they were together. Ultimately everything she thought Kelly was in fact wasn't true at all. He kept her sane during school but at the end of the day she was too much for him and she leaned on him too much forgetting he had insecurities too, Jay was a vulnerable time for her but he had this gleam in his eyes regardless if he was acting sincere. Their interaction back stage after her last scene in Dracula was really telling on how he thought of her. He even thought she was Little Miss Perfect with a virtuous nature to her. She never thought that way about any aspect of her life she knew she had a lot of people's impressions of her or assumed perceptions of her and in this, she was confused. No one ever tapped that part of her mind.

There's always this sense of knowing with the others that she never had with Sean. With Peter he used to wine and dine her, treated her like a princess, a trophy but there wasn't love there it was this substitute for that. She felt like she owed him for how he stuck by her through her eating disorder and she was waiting on bated breath for her to be betrayed by him at the same time. They weren't fun, the job wasn't easy with her few relapses during stressful times.

In the years that followed high school and later college, Jay and Emma have actually become friends, real true friends possibly even platonic best friends. They talk daily. When Emma got married to Spinner she started spending a lot of time with Jay with and without Spinner. At first it was a strange transition but it started to become more natural especially when things started to go south in the marriage. She would trust enough to confide in him about things and try to get him to talk to Spinner about things to get things to get better. Oddly enough, they never touched on their high school experiences except that he thought she was really pretty and a good person even though he made fun of her a lot, and when she went to the car races she looked hot but besides that the talk of the ravine was pretty much off-limits. He helped her realize her ultimate feelings on Sean, Spinner and other things in her life. Since Manny isn't around so much, he became her substitute Manny and thus in that becoming one of her best friends.

Sean always stuck out and not because he was her first love. First loves never truly die, neither do first heart breaks and he's up there in that ranking. The first of those things makes it so significant, after Sean the relationships crash and burns. Things were never simple, always something complicated, there was unexplored and unfinished business and undiscovered territory always with Sean, always unwritten because true love is never said to expire but although it retained all that was familiar to her it was somehow shiny and new each time they'd meet. There was never a dull moment when they get together, never boring.

"I made you dig through the trash, and you still liked me." Emma reminisced eyeing the picture, "Also looks like I got in a fight with a crimper and lost."

"I thought the crimps were cute. Is that what they're called the 'zig zags' in your hair?"

"Oh my, I'm wearing overalls like Liberty used to." Emma switched her gaze to Sean and beamed, "I see young Sean loves turtlenecks, and look, something's never change."

Sean looked down at his attire, and pulled on his turtleneck, "Excuse me, Emma but I'll have you know its cold out."

"Not what I meant look what you're wearing in the picture, silly. Always so serious."

Sean snickered, "How about that. Funny story, I remember I came home that day and I told Tracker. Actually I told him about two or three days earlier that I wanted to ask you out but I didn't know how so I asked him for advice and he said, " Sean mimicked Tracker, "You want to look like a stud right? Wear this. I figured then I needed advice, on how to ask you. So I sat and rehearsed it in my mind. I thought of like bringing up some like big point I was going to say something like, You movies with me 6:30, I mean I had so many I was going with but I threw 'em all out the window."

"Yep and I hadn't the slightest clue what you meant. I didn't know if it was a date or not. I couldn't believe someone other than Toby Issac's would ever be interested in me. I was boy kryptonite."

"So I heard you asked around what I meant by hang out. I didn't want to say go out because then I was afraid you'd ask where, why or no. By saying hang out I kind of left it open so you'd say yes."

"Like I would've said no though, Sean. I was practically dying on the inside. Oh boy did I ever have it bad for you." She playfully nudged his arm.

"Then you attacked me at gym class . . ." Sean trailed off.

"Only because I thought you were cancelling, because when I asked you something about it you were like Uh yeah . . like you were about to bail."

"You intimidated me! What can I say?" Sean explained, "You were just . . So up front and I was so . scared of you."

"I was four-foot nothing and I was so not scary, Sean. That date though was by far my most embarrassing moment in the world."

"What was more embarrassing than bird poop? Or the part where you lost your wallet?"

"Both. I felt really bad when I realized I had it on me. I thought you'd never want to date me again."

"Tracker said that it'd be okay, just talk to you on Monday and I did. Tracker really rooted for us."

Emma smiled, and asked resting her head on her arm leaning her elbow on the counter, "How's he doing anyway?"

"I actually just visited him, he's doing really good, arguably the best he's been in a long time. Owns a Goodyear in Washington in the States. Got a nice chunk of change, he's pretty set. Does some side-work on friends cars and he also puts out ads in the classifieds for people who need car help for relatively cheap. He's got a little boy whose I think about 6 with his fiancé but I think they're married he said when I was at war, her name is Wendy who I don't know if you ever met but they met out somewhere drinking and I didn't expect anything to come out of it but they really clicked. Love at first sight they complete each others sentences and I think Tracker has become a better person with her."

"I'm happy for him."

"Yeah, me too." Sean grinned, "I mean for the three years he had to put up with my shenanigans I figured he deserves that sort of family dynamic that he never had, I never had growing up. I'd want that for my future children too even if my future children wind up being a pet like a big awesome springer spaniel."

"Like Charlie?"

"Like Charlie. How do you remember that? We only talked about Charlie like once."

"I remember a lot of things you'd tell me. I pay attention when you'd talk. I remember Media Immersion room, you were working on homework and you did your project on Springer Spaniels. You told me about how you missed him and how he was and that his name was Charlie. It was one of the moments I realized I really liked you because it was a side of you I didn't see before. You were smiling there. Your eyes were bright, it was this glimmer of hope in you that always was so clouded by whatever else was going on with you. It was something else." Emma's cup was finished, she noticed she had been pretty much half paying attention to her coffee so several minutes had gone by with them strolling down memory lane. "You done your cup?"

Sean looked down at his, "Actually yes."

Emma looked at the clock, it was almost eleven and it was later than she intended stay this late if she wanted to get to sleep if she wanted to pick up so groceries in the morning. After that she'd decide if she wanted to get to her nightly ritual Netflix and ice cream before drifting off to sleep. Tonight was different and she was feeling particularly adventurous, "Let's just put our cups in the sink clean 'em and get out of here. I should have left hours ago. We can take a walk or something."

Sean followed Emma's cue, and put his cup in the sink, rinsed it out and put it in the rack to dry. "I'd like that." Sean put his hand out to her for her to hold, "Where to miss?"