Chapter 19

When it All Comes Down

Alex slicked silently through the front door of Jay's house. He was sitting propped up at the kitchen table, seeming to be chain-smoking. In the ashtray there were around three of four finished butts below him. He waved at Alex and she sat down to join him. She was visibly unhappy to see him, disheveled, looking angry or sad, likely both. Observant Alex knew him best, but the way he was acting was triggering her and he didn't even seem to understand that. She tried to be silent, but she couldn't say anything. She sighed out loud looking at him with disdain.

"So you took her home?" Jay simply asked absent-mindedly blowing rings with the smoke.

Alex nodded, her face stone cold. As she reached for the pack of cigarettes and she too took a cigarette, lit it and inhaled her first drag. As she exhaled she whispered, "Yeah, I couldn't just make her walk out in the cold with all those bags - plus I know you likely needed space." The silence that surrounded him was clear that he wasn't happy about it but he was thankful that she stepped up.

"I just, I still love her." Jay said matter of factly, exhaling, "I was really hard on her."

"Look, I don't want to or need to know the details, Jay. I'm here for you, I will always be there for you." Alex explained weakly looking down, avoiding his eyes, before finally looking up into his eyes, "It just is sort of disheartening and triggering. I can't be in this sort of mindset."

"What mindset?" Jay questioned holding the cigarette with his hand and looking at her as she took a drag.

"This, you being upset with Manny isn't going to change anything. Chain smoking, moping around isn't helping me either." Alex said rather boldly as she blew out some smoke, she wanted him to listen to her because clearly he was still wallowing. "Listen to me."

"I'm listening." Jay said but she was simply unconvinced of it, she knew him like a book, read him thousands of times as he sat before her. He was no different. She wouldn't ever dare steer him wrong, despite their misgivings and issues as friends and one-time lovers and yet simultaneously it was likely that he would be more inclined although stubborn as anything to follow her.

"No, Jay. You hear me but you aren't listening."

"Who are you, my mom?"

"Jay." She just answered him with a scowl.

"What do you want from me, Lex?" Jay asked in exhausted exclamation.

"Stop this, there's nothing you can do about Manny. It happened, get over it." Alex said bluntly as she ashed her cigarette not taking her eyes from him, causing him to jump at her remarks.

"You don't know the first thing about us. That remark. You said it yourself, you hate Manny."

Alex stood her ground but still managed to defend herself, pointing her finger like a trigger at Jay. "First of all, I never said I hated her. I just didn't understand how you two even came to be."

"See what I mean?"

"It's just you two are -"

"Different."

"Exactly!"

Jay sighed shaking his head, "Isn't that the same?"

"No. She's just not like us. Doesn't mean I don't like her. I never said I didn't approve. Being as it may though, it's over. Stop wallowing." Alex said as she got up after finally finishing the cigarette, "I just can't have you acting like this. It makes me want to do the drugs. Do you understand?"

"At this rate, I'll join you."

"Don't you dare." Alex sneered, "It's no fucking joke, Jay. I would call your father so fast, watch me. Don't tempt me."

Jay's father was a strict man. A business man. Very rich and yet so very absent, mostly by Jay's doing out of his life. The last person he would want to hear from is his father. Jay has made it far enough in life without him and the last person he would want to hear about such a thing would be the end of everything. He would want him to live with him again, play by his rules something that Jay simply would despise. Her threat was real, she was still in contact with Jay's father for his sake and not for her own benefit. They met while they were dating and while things were turbulent to say the least for Jay at home. Jay and his father were arguing and Jay went ahead and tore into his trust fund in a crazy effort to get away from his dad, that was freshman year. Already he had it out for him. He ended up moving in the trailer park next-door to Alex. In the beginning Mr. Hogart was very adamant about things not lasting but he realized that the only way to ever get Jay to come around was to still be in contact with Alex. He never could understand his attraction to the sort of life that Alex and her family led and why he would leave home for a life-like that, a life he had escaped narrowly only to have his own son willingly do himself in that fashion. Needless to say Jay and his father don't talk but if Alex were to ever find out about Jay doing things like serious dead-end drugs she would be the first to make the call. That threat jolted him quickly back to reality.

"I won't but I feel like . . . if I could get her off my mind I could."

Alex chucked knowing she had him right where she wanted him, and she still had that sort of hold on him. With a wicked pleased smile she smirked, "There's other ways to get over Manny."

"I think the problem is I don't want to let go." Jay stated flatly and straight-faced.

"I think you have to. She's moved on, why can't you? This isn't like you."

Jay was silent a few moments meddling over that last statement, "And what is me?"

Crestfallen Alex leaned her hand across the table for Jay to squeeze, she offered him a compassionate smile, as he held onto her hand tight, "We have to work together but, I promise you this will be nothing later."

"What are you talking about?"

"I cannot, I will not get sober on my own." Alex confessed, looking him dead in the eye, "Not unless you do your part and stop acting like a little bitch because Manny Santos, the big star doesn't want you anymore. You're better than that, Jay. You're better than her. The heroes stay, the coward leaves. If she doesn't see that, she isn't worth an ounce of your tears."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Jay, you saved my life. I have - I don't have money, but I will find a way to repay you. If that means working you, I will work you." Alex pressed, "It just goes both ways."

Jay gave her words thought, it was true. Teamwork was best, but how was he going to hide his sorrow, his pain, his broken heart. He realized that he had nothing to hide from Alex. She wasn't there to harm him she was there to heal him. She was his best friend, and he was hers and as much as it pained him to see her in dire straights like the night before, she too hated seeing him morose and heartbroken too. He was being selfish, feeling sorry for himself but he had it in his position much less than Alex. Where when Jay was unfaithful, "I guess this is my karma."

"I don't think so." Alex sighed breathlessly.

"I hurt you."

"Jay . . " Alex trailed off into somewhat of a deep thought. She didn't want to get in this deep of a discussion. She didn't want to talk about the past.

"I did. All those years ago."

Alex stammered, forcefully biting her tongue before she said anything to put him back into his stooper, she just denied it, ignored it and refused to acknowledge it. All he did was fill her up with rage, she tore down and burned the bridges but the heartbreak still remained. It only proved to be worse when Paige got to her and now she just feels like there's nothing left for her to live for, but she could give back, "It was years ago ancient history."

"You say that, but you still hurt."

"Perseverance."

"Look at you, Lex. You couldn't even call me - when all the shit went bad? Tell me about that?"

"Jay!" She exclaimed in response, " That is not the same thing, I don't want to talk about it?"

"When will you?" Jay asked slamming his fists on the table in frustration, "Why can I just pour out my heart but you - you're just stone?"

Alex softened up rivaling Jay's anger, "I don't want to . . . "

"It goes both ways, Lex." Jay cut her off pleadingly.

"It's just - I know you." Alex stammered not letting up, she refused to. Whenever Alex's mind was set on something there was absolutely no turning back or changing her mind. She will get Jay to get over Manny, that is her goal. Besides, she took a liking to her in her time of vulnerability. For a girl who was largely alone, trekking the unknown she saw something in her that was spectacular, regardless of how her relationship ended or failed with Jay. She knew that Manny was a nice person. She heard beyond the rumor mill in high school. What she did know was she was a girl, a popular girl in the grade below her who loved her friends. She knew inside the last thing that Manny would want to do was hurt anyone. She doesn't think that far. She's smart, but sometimes her judgement is clouded in that right she and Manny aren't too far off. Girls like Manny grew up stable, with nice friends, convictions, goals and dreams. Alex hadn't any of that. She grew up with a mother without a backbone, and largely raised herself. Whenever her mother had a boyfriend, namely abusive drunks like Chad - she thought she'd be trapped with them forever as the only family she ever known. She never met her father and it's assumed she wasn't welcomed warmly to him. He split when he found out her mom was pregnant with her. Ever since then it was a struggle. Her mom was sort of disowned, worked odd jobs and latched onto unsuspecting men for support. She never felt protected or love aside from maybe her mom. It wasn't until Jay entered her life that she had the semblance of hope of a future, a family. A lot of that diminished. Even with Jay was always independent. She knew the tendency with people, even while young. It still boggles Jay she wasn't successful. So strong, so brave and with her overcoming everything despite overwhelming adversity. Educated yet lost. However when she hesitated to add anything, she just made a typical excuse in a half-hearted mutter, "Shit happens." Afterwards, she shrugged her shoulders, building a wall without even knowing about it, completely unintentional.

"Not to you." Jay raised his voice, "Lex, I know you. I'll be damned if you don't believe in yourself. You always stand your ground."

"Sometimes, yes."

"Always."

She looked at him compassionately, "You know I love you, Jay. This is why I'm hard on you. I expect it from your end too."

"Love you too, Lex." Jay said as he beamed at her. She smiled back happily.