Trigger Warnings:

- rape

- forced prostitution

- physical abuse: slapping

- misuse of kinks

- PTSD

- panic attack

Announcement:

There has been some confusion about Selene. I've received questions about how one thing happens but Selene says something else. Or how Selene purposefully hides things from others. So, to clear the confusion, I am going to point out an important character trait of Selene. Selene is an expert liar. She deals with all kinds of lies out of self-preservation: outright lies, half-truths, lies of omission, etc.

This chapter portrays one of Selene's half-truths. If you'll recall Chapter XLIX Selene: Kill, she murdered a politician who had a glass kink. That politician reappears in this chapter as part of a flashback. Selene told Shigaraki that Asahi, Selene's disgrace of a father, had made a deal with said politician, and she was the piece. That was a half-truth. Yes, there was a deal. But that was not all. The specifics will be described in this chapter.

Today marks the first day of no longer having to warm the bed with the Pro-Hero.

Today marks the first day of reprieve.

Today marks the day that I repent for what I did to Todoroki-kun.

When I arrive at the mansion, the bedroom is devoid of any men seeking pleasure from my body. There is a note, however, from Hanada-sama, detailing that my role was complete and that he would be out of the city for a week. That news should make me happy. A week of possibly no rapes. But I can't bring myself to. I am already hurting from breaking Todoroki-kun's trust.

I summon the diary from my interdimensional vault and begin to write.

October 6, 2034

I had dedicated this diary to write about the fleeting moments of happiness in my life. Those moments began when I somehow summoned the courage to offer my friendship to Todoroki-kun. Now, I write a story of heartache.

Today, I hurt Todoroki-kun. He was going to give me the lapis lazuli pendant, and I was going to accept it. But things spiraled out of control. That was my fault. It resulted in a traumatic relapse and another visit to the school infirmary. When I awoke, Todoroki-kun came in to apologize. He even promised that he would treat me better and help me overcome my trauma. He said that this would be his atonement, and I should forgive him only when he deserves it.

Contrary to his wishes of deserving forgiveness, I forgave him the moment he entered. But I rejected his help. His promise. I denied him of his atonement. Only because I was a coward. Only because I was afraid he would learn of my secrets.

The relapse I had was from my first rape. It was on the night of my fifth birthday, which came only a few months after I was adopted. Before that, I was treated like a princess. Lavish furniture, enormous beds, beautiful dresses, ice cream to my heart's content. Hanada-sama even gave me a little doll. It had color-changing long hair, full and rosy lips, silver eyes, and it wore a black and white flower homongi kimono. It was a little me. Most importantly, I felt loved. It was all that I hoped for and more from my foster father.

But that was an illusion. An illusion that shattered on my birthday. Hanada-sama had sold me for a week to a politician. He had made some illegal deal with the politician, and as backup, he planned on recording a video of the politician raping me in secret and then blackmailing him with the video. But I didn't know. I didn't know until much later. Until after the damage had been done. Such sweet words Hanada-sama told me before I had to enter the politician's bed chambers. "He won't hurt you. He just wants to give you a birthday present: to hug you the same way you hug your doll."

"But he doesn't look soft and cuddly like my doll," I had replied so innocently.

"I know Selene. But you should never reject a gift from someone else. It's bad manners."

But I had not relented. "Can't he give me chocolates instead? Or ice cream?"

After more time of my reluctance and his insistence, Hanada-sama lost his patience. He shouted at me to stop complaining, and then he slapped me hard across the cheek. That was the first time he hit me. And he pushed me to the ground and continued slapping. I cried and cried.

"Please don't hit me! I'll be good! I promise!" It was useless because he didn't stop. "Whatever you want, I'll do it. That's what good girls do, right? They obey every command their master gives them. I'll do the same. I'll be your slave. Just please, don't hit me." I kept pleading, hoping that the pain would come to an end.

But one pain ended, only for me to experience another. As Hanada-sama intended, the politician took my body and the secret camera recorded all of it. He stumbled into his bedroom drunk with one hand bracing the door frame and the other wrapped around a bottle of alcohol. I lay on his bed, too frightened to fight or flee. He climbed on top of me and disrobed me of my black and white kimono. He saw my reddened cheeks but thought nothing of it. Instead, he smashed the bottle against the bed frame and cut me with its edges. I started crying again, and my tears only intensified when he penetrated me again and again. He savored my pain. The entire night, he pleasured himself with my body while he scarred me with memories of torture.

The next morning, Hanada-sama came to retrieve his camera. I lied naked in bed next to the politician, emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted to do anything. That is until Hanada-sama reached his hands toward me. I immediately recalled the slaps, cuts, and rape, though I did not know it was called 'rape.' I whimpered, ready to burst into tears for the third time, but Hanada-sama slapped his hand against my mouth and dragged me from the bedroom. He didn't even bother retrieving my kimono.

He dragged me like a sack out of the car, through the front door of the mansion, up the stairs, into my bedroom. Rather, what was supposed to be my bedroom. I couldn't look at it the same anymore. I couldn't look at any bedroom the same anymore. Hanada-sama threw me inside and locked the door from the outside. I just lay there for what seemed like forever and wept. I had thought the most terrible thing to happen to a child was to become an orphan. Now, I knew that I was wrong. There were things worse than loneliness. Because at least I had friends and matrons who cared for me at the orphanage. Here, in the Hanada manor, I was nothing more than a tool. This extravagant treatment from before was just so that I would trust them without hesitation and lower my guard. The truth of my adoption was finally revealed: I was to be a slave and Hanada-sama was to be my master.

I lifted the little me doll and stared at it. I had thought it was an expression of love. But it actually was an expression of ownership. Look at what you are, the doll seemed to say. Look at the meaning of your existence. You are nothing more than a pretty thing to be used for someone else's benefit. You are worthless. Meaningless. To be played just like you play with me.

I burned the doll to ash that day.

It should have brought me satisfaction.

But it didn't.

All I could think was how I was destined to burn in the fires of hell from that day onward.

And today, I relived those hours again. Todoroki-kun didn't mean to. I know that. But that's exactly why I decided to end our friendship. He just witnessed one facet of my tragic past. I couldn't have him witness any more. I couldn't subject him to that feeling of uselessness. If he did, he wouldn't stay quiet. He would try to tell the law enforcement, have the Hanadas arrested, and get justice for me. But that's it. He would try. Because if he ever found out my truth, the Hanadas would know. And once they knew, they would kill Todoroki-kun and his family and blame their murders on me. They would be right; I would have been responsible for Todoroki-kun's and his family's deaths because I didn't work harder to hide my secrets. I won't allow that. I have the deaths of many on my hands. I will have the deaths of many more. But I refuse to stain my hands with his death. He doesn't deserve that.

I was such a fool for thinking that I could possibly have a friend.

I was cruel to hurt him like this.

He hates me for doing this.

So be it.

I can live with that.

I will learn to live with that.

I will somehow learn to live with that.