Chapter 22

Without You

Manny Santos walked up the steps to Emma's apartment and opened the door. Jay, Alex and Sean were there watching television, drinking beer. Sean and Jay hadn't seen her in a few days. Manny and Jay locked eyes but they exchanged no words to one another. Emma furrowed her brow, and looked at Manny, calling out to her, "Manny, hi."

The brunette looked to her friend and offered a small smile but she wore her feelings, there was a solemn wind in the air that stung Manny. Emma walked over to her and gave her a hug as the guys and Alex just watched. Manny whispered quietly, "Could we talk . . somewhere private, Em?" She whispered in her friend's ear quietly. Emma nodded on her arm, as they pulled away and

"I made a mistake." Manny quietly whispered leaning against Emma's vanity crossing her arms to warm her cold leftover feelings for how cruel things ended up between everyone, "None of it panned out to be what I want."

"And what do you want, Manny? I've been trying to understand you, but I don't know because you don't talk about it." Emma answered back, her exhaustion was clear as she sat on the unmade bed looking upwardly at her friend, "I'm your best friend, why?"

Manny was silent in thought, she didn't speak on it yet. Her initial reasonings for her lack of conversation was due to her overwhelming guilt for how things ended up with Jay, and once she chose Craig it was her realizing how big of a mistake she had made. She wondered if it was possible to love two people for a long time before this winter. Now she knows the difference between thinking she loved two, to knowing she loved one for real wholeheartedly for his patience, bravery and true love that burst at the seams and fell apart in the worst of ways and then loving the idea of being with Craig, to see the real raw and true extent of the mistakes she's made the judge of character and yet her fear of opening her mouth turning away from one or both of them. Manny was ready to go home. Even at home, she didn't feel like she belonged. Not until she knew there was a hope that she would ever love again after revisiting and tearing up every alliance she had ever had. Finally she spoke, "Maybe it's for the best I go on home. You don't need to stress out, not over me."

"Why though?" Emma asked sympathetically, "You can't run away."

"Isn't that what I do best?" Manny asked turning around to look at her reflection in the mirror, "This girl when I look at myself isn't me, not anymore. I always knew what I wanted."

"But why?" Emma asked, "Just give me a reason."

"The pilot." Manny answered not so confidently, still not facing her looking down at the vanity of the pictures on Emma's vanity table of herself with Emma, her first autographed picture she sent in an 8x10", Sean and Emma in tiny frames and Jay and Manny at her début. She looked at the picture of her and former boyfriend, who she once saw a future with, a real one. Why did she let Craig get into her head like that?

Emma got up off of the couch and stood beside Manny, fixated on the image, "I remember that day."

"Which one?" Manny asked, avoiding the tears that were in her eyes, if she blinked once they would inevitably stream down her face. Emma looked with much concern at her best friend. She didn't dare ask her what would come next, because she knew it, she felt it her sadness. She had been there before.

Manny looked over at the picture beside that one of Manny and Craig dancing at her mother's wedding, as Emma kept her sights on the image in question, Emma surmised, "I don't think it was pretend."

"I was foolish, I just didn't want to be hurt again."

"So you hurt instead?"

"And then I know what guilt feels like." Manny answered, glaring at the picture, the glaring reminder of what she lost and it was her fault and her fault alone before she flipped it over onto the table so it didn't taunt her like the image of him in her mind the last time they spoke.

"Ask me where I went."

"No!" He exclaimed, fighting back.

She wrestled him, "I don't want to feel guilty. Jay don't make me keep this from you. I cannot, I will not do this anymore." For awhile she wrangled her way, but that wasn't to say he didn't make it difficult to emerge from his embrace. He was in this hopeless denial that all of this was just an apology. She took a breath as she was face to face with him, she wouldn't give up, her voice broke with exhaustion and great demand simultaneously, "Ask me."

He relented, he gave up, he shrugged his shoulders inquiring against his will, "Where were you?"

"I went to Craig's." She pulled herself off the bed, he didn't flinch at her for him to kick her out of his home but instead he was silent.

He didn't cry. He didn't mope. She didn't get a rise out of him. He didn't say a thing.

"Manny . . " He finally whispered, shaking his head exhaling in shock and surprise, in disbelief and utter betrayal but somehow he couldn't bring himself to hate her. He still loved her with every beat of his heart. All the while when he could think of something to say he just wound up shrugging his shoulders again at her revelation, but then finally he did speak, looking up at her, "What do you want me to say?"

"You don't have to say anything but I deserve it." Manny said still standing, crying, shaking like a leaf. She with her hands went to her neck. As Manny removed her scarf from her neck and revealed the hickeys on her neck, he shook his head in disbelief but he said nothing for a few moments. "Don't blame him, because I -" she shook her head, "I let him. I made him false promises too."

"Get out." Jay whispered.

She complied, without a word as she walked to the door, looking up at her before she walked out, "Have a nice life with, Craig. I can't wait for him to break you again." He took a breath, as tears fell down her face, "Your tears mean nothing, and I won't be there this time to pick up the pieces."

He knew what she was doing was wrong, but instead of simply tell her so, he was brash and did everything to get her out the door. She broke him, his heart into pieces. She broke her own heart, Jay was her heart. Manny blinked again, and she soon covered her face as she erupted in tears, the sound of how a heart breaks. The silence, the break in the voice.

Emma turned around again, she wrapped her arms around her, closing her eyes as she hugged her tighter, tighter the better perhaps she'd stop crying. Manny's hands remained at her face, covering up ashamed of herself, what she had done, "Please . . "

The moment was interrupted however by a tiny knock on the door, Jay's voice rang through the bedroom door from outside, "We paused the movie for you. Is everything alright?"

Emma looked compassionately at Manny before turning toward the door, "Thanks, Jay - come in for a second?"

Causing Manny to show her tear-stained face in quiet protest shaking her head silently backing into the corner of the wall, "No no that's a bad idea. I don't want him to see me like this."

"Jay, a moment?" Emma asked

Shortly after Jay slowly opened the door and Emma got closer to him, he was silent as she whispered in his ear, "Please talk to her. I just have one rule, do not yell at her. I mean it." Afterward, she walked out the open door and shut it closed behind her to give them their privacy.

Manny froze, and didn't speak a word besides the occasional sniffle, she avoided his eyes and just tried to be brave. She hugged herself in hopes she wouldn't cry, afraid he would add more insults to her injury. She no longer felt the warmth, all that was replaced by what she felt was his hate and most of all his disappointment, none of which are comforting to feel. She remained standing beside the vanity still not making a sound as she with all of her might kept her eyes dry but if she were to speak the waterworks would begin once again, with the down-turned photograph of them next to her. She hoped that he'd fail to notice. She couldn't take the picture staring at her, thinking about the mess she made. He thought to sit on the bed but instead went to the vanity beside her, eying the photographs that still stood saying quietly, "I know I'm the last person you wanted to see. We- I- I said a lot of things I wish I could take back I didn't mean them, you know what I'm talking about." She didn't say a word, but his words were piercing her heart, the taped together places that were bound by his words of constant love and adoration over the years, torn apart after the ugly things he said in reaction to her running from him, not talking to him, feeling bound by him and she wanted to collapse. "I'm not that guy anymore, I was being somebody that I'm not. Someone that I used to be, that's not me." She couldn't look him in the eye, she felt disgusting. He was trying his hardest to be nice, and she couldn't even look at him. He added in addition knowing that he destroyed everything, even though she was blaming herself all the while, "One thing is for certain, you're a force to be reckoned with. You'll be a hard act to follow."

Finally she gave him a look, just a look with no words. There was no smiling, so why was he offering her a warm, solemn smile with those eyes she had seen him say some of the most beautiful words. Jay was a good man, and she broke his heart. She loved him too, and that there was another problem. Perhaps there was something wrong with her. He was finally being acknowledged, he asked her, his voice breaking but he disguised it as a cough, an inquiry, "I uh take it you're skipping town." She could tell this hurt him as much as this hurt her, and yet she was afraid to speak, "I'm not here to hurt you or make you feel shitty."

"Could've fooled me." She says biting her bottom lip exhaling with defeat closing her eyes, her arms still around herself, this metaphorical chill inside was leaving her frozen, paralyzed still. He made her feel nervous, generally horrible and yet her heart still broke for him. She knows she has to live with this, the loss of one great romance. Here she thought, Craig was the guy she was missing out on and what was Jay? She supposed for now, the one who had gotten away, the mistake that wasn't such a mistake, and more than obviously to what she would now know as her soul mate. She wrecked it, she let her torn up heart get torn up again, with no promise that it could ever come back or bounce back to it's self once again, "Hard act to follow?"

"What do you want me to say, Manny? You don't need me anymore." Jay shrugged at a loss for words, "You don't need anyone. You have your goals, it's no secret you're doing better than all of us."

She turned her head away shaking her head, tears formulating in her eyes, her heart churning and burning by those words, "Don't need you?" She retorted sarcastically throwing her arms in the hair, "You think this was so easy, Jay."

"Oh no?" He beckoned cooly.

She still wasn't looking at him, turning her back on him like he had done to her upon finding out about Craig's she glided her hands downward as she was touching the posts of Emma's bed walking down the side of Emma's bed, "Of course. I thought wrong, okay? I mean, not okay." She whispered, You know what sucks about it? Craig's wonderful but . . . I don't trust him. I don't think I ever will. It wasn't worth it you see. What you said, it resonated, it touched me and now I have to live with this. Even though, I don't want to."

"I'm so sorry." Jay sighed at a loss of words.

"Don't apologize for me. I ruined us, it's my fault and I know like I know with Craig - one thousand and one apologies for the past, endless apology will never change it. Why did I go back? I don't deserve you. Not once, not ever I deserved that. . don't tell me I didn't. I took you for granted and it wasn't always that way." She shrugged her shoulders, before sobbing while standing. She fell down onto the bed, crumbling herself into Emma's unmade bed to hide.

He sighed breathlessly before lifting up the blanket, he had felt the sting but he still felt love for her. He still loved her despite himself. She didn't know that, he tried so hard not to cry. She snatched the blanket covering herself once again retorting, "Don't look at me, please. I can't let you see me this way."

He was growing angrier at her dismissive despondence hiding, she couldn't hide from him. Not when her feelings were so evident. He pulled himself under the blankets, he could tell she was crying, he draped his arms around her and pulled her tight to him to his chest, closing his eyes, "Everyone still loves you. I still love you."

"Why?" She whispered, she closed her eyes, "It's not the first time I pushed someone who loved me away. I just got better at hiding it."

"The difference between them is . . . I am not going anywhere. I'm really not. I'm here for life. When I bought that ring, I thought I made that clear." He protested as she tried to push him away but ultimately she surrendered and stopped what she was doing. Besides, she was tired of being without warmth, without love without connection to him for this long of a time. She turned around and faced him while still under the blankets and pressed her head against her chest, "We're not all the same, us guys. Some of them worse than others. Like I said though, I stand by it."

"I'm so sorry, Jay." She just whispered hugging him tighter than she had ever hugged him before, she just held on tightly, she never wanted to let go. She wanted to freeze this moment, capture it like the photos that adorned Emma's vanity, but never show anyone. She didn't want people to know that side. Jay was all that mattered, and even if she was so set in her ways to see it then, she sees it now. Not every boyfriend would settle for a long distance relationship with little hope of seeing her besides holiday's and network hiatus' or the random occasional drop by but he did. Not every guy would watch her suffer through her own mistakes and misgivings, but he did and he didn't want her to go, but he knew she had to. He understood long ago that acting was her dream and he knew the difference between honesty and when she's acting and what he witnessed was Manny in her truest form, with nothing to hide behind just her exposed soul, owning up, being raw and honest and for that, he was reminded of the girl he always knew. Sometimes it's the distance that wised her, the time apart. Nothing set in stone of course, but that was the fear that still jolted. Even if they never got back together, she knew that he still adored her and he knew that she still loved him. That was enough. It was just enough. Her knowing he hated her would have left her broken and inconsolable and derailing for her way of life. Just the simple fact that there was still love, was just enough to get them by.

There was silence under the blankets as they held another like it was the last time they'd ever see one another. If it was the last, then it was one hell of an embrace. He whispered caressing her back in an up and down motion, "I love you, Manny. I always will."

Was it over? Perhaps, but it was a lesson learned, an eye-opening moment one she'd never forget about love and loss and to love those little things and hold on tight to those memories because it's rare should she ever get that chance back. She knew what it was really like to lose in the game of love Jay was a reminder. Nobody writes the stories about the ones who don't come with the most pain they had ever experienced. No one writes love stories if they hadn't ever loved at all. Sometimes, loving and losing go hand in hand, she sighed as those words echoed in her mind, she still wanted to freeze that moment in a blink and keep it on loop for the rest of her life. She knew she couldn't but she wanted it more than anything. At this point she could care less about her job, her future her life and even Craig hanging in the balance but in Jay's arms she knew this would be the only place she would ever find warmth and love, "I love you too, Jay." Her lip quivered like a shiver as the tears poured down unseen by Jay silently as she closed her eyes as they laid there together, for the last time. She didn't want this moment to stop, nor did he. The cogs in Jay's head turned slowly as he thought of way to put a band-aid on it, to take away the pain wishing that there would be something to change the unfortunate predicament they were in. No matter how he packaged his feelings it seemed as if he wanted to turn around and go but that wasn't what he wanted. Most of all he wanted her to be happy. He believed setting her free would do this, even if it was against his wishes.

He pulled away, and lifted the blankets up she fluttered opened her eyes, "Come on, get out from under there."

She silently and slowly complied as she wiped her eyes attempting to wear a smile, but she couldn't grin and bear it. She awkwardly looked up at him once firmly at her feet, she walked up close to him once again, "I'm going to miss you."

"You won't be far, your face is all over the check out around here." Jay mutters referring to the magazine covers all over every store at some time or another.

"It's time I face the music. Work is good for me." Manny beamed at his attempt to lighten things up. "If you'd like . . you could help me pack up?"

"I'd like that."

"Well alright then." Manny said snapping her fingers before walking toward the closet throwing her rolling luggage on the bed, "It's funny I didn't wear half the clothes I brought here."

"You girls and your packing." He says as he eyes the bags in Emma's closet of the clothes he ripped from her drawers, "What about all this stuff?"

She turned around her eyes widening, "We could box 'em up and mail 'em. I don't have enough luggage to bring any of that back. It's fine."

"I'll do that." He said watching her fold her clothes from Emma's extra drawer and Jay gave her a hand with her hung up dresses. Manny went through once she removed all the hangers of the things she intended to take home, when it came to the pretty black dress Emma wore to the club she shook her head.

"Emma can have that. So hang that back up, if you don't mind."

. . .

In the other room, the rest remained quiet but they awkwardly asked few questions between the three of them while the movie played on, they had long stopped paying attention to. Emma turned to Sean who had his arm around her with a worried expression on her face, "It's been about twenty minutes, no screaming. Should we take this as a good sign?"

"I'd say so." Alex answered bitterly shrugging, "I wasn't around for a lot of their relationship but I hope they work it out."

"All I know is that, we have to act like we haven't been talking about them the whole time." Sean surmised matter of factually.

"I'm going to miss her, who knows when she'll be back."

"Well you have me and I don't have much of a choice to go so I could be your surrogate Manny." Alex offered patting Emma on the knee from the armchair next to Sean on the couch. When Alex comes over she usually calls dibs on it and they rearrange the space so that she's more included from the seat.

"Nobody sits there, so I need you to fill it." Emma says beaming, "Jay's already my surrogate Manny but you're Alex, my new friend and I appreciate you."

"We all do." Sean says, shaking his head, "Emma tells me you two had a fist fight. And she won."

"You don't remember that? You say it like it's brand new information." Emma asked Sean while looking at Alex, and then back at Sean, "Didn't you two know one another?"

"It's nothing new, and yeah Sean I'm surprised." Alex raised her eyebrow, "I take it you want a play by-play."

"That would be nice, Lex you know we smoked a lot of dope back then." Sean says somewhat seriously, causing Emma to giggle at the statement. Emma hadn't smoked until college and she was somewhat startled in interest by the revelation.

"Well yeah but still . . " Alex trailed off, "It was hot gossip for weeks, those kids in the hall chanting."

"I thought it was a rumor that's one that never got to me."

"I told you about it right after at the party at your place."

"I don't remember, go on. You know how much we used to drink!" Sean answered back.

Emma looked at Alex and then Alex to Emma, Emma asked, "I'll tell?"

"Go ahead." Alex answered reclining back on the chair.

"So I was minding my business going to my locker. I didn't even know Alex here had a problem with me. She like throws something at me, talks some shit. I had just found out that my step-dad got a will and I was struggling with that shit and then Alex tells me how much she dislikes me."

"What did I say to you that started it?"

"I don't remember." Emma shook her head laughing, "All I know is that I kind of went a little crazy."

Sean laughed clapping his hands, "I wish I saw this."

"No you didn't." Emma shook her head somewhat embarrassed by her earlier exploits, "It wasn't glamorous. I was sore for weeks."

"I didn't know my baby could fight." Sean squeezed Emma toward him hugging her tight.

The roaring laughter stopped as the back bedroom door shut as Jay and Manny walked out of the bedroom with her luggage. Emma didn't know she was leaving so soon officially. It seemed as though the last time they spoke about a half hour to forty-five minutes before she was considering the idea. It was news to her but she knew that it was time for her to go being as she still had her pilot to film and her other obligations with work. It was a good time for her to fly the coop with everything that had happened between her Jay and Craig.

"I'm giving her a lift to the airport." Jay mutters putting on his black coat, "You don't mind sticking around here until I get back, Lex?"

"I'm having a great time." Alex says looking at Emma and Sean who were at that point looking at Manny while standing up scooting by Alex to see Manny off.

Emma compassionately hugged her best friend, "You promise you will call? Don't forget. Too busy is no excuse."

"Yeah." Manny sniffled leftover tears still in the hug, already she was doing better than she was back there as Emma slowly pulled away.

"You will come back soon?" Emma asked pulling away. Reaching for her hands to squeeze as she hoped Manny would answer positively.

"Of course, Emma. Your still my best friend, it has nothing to do with you. I have a lot of crap to do when I get off the flight, I'll have you know." Manny let go of Emma's hands and playfully hit her arm, "Sometime you should come visit me." Manny looked to Sean, "You too."

"We will." Emma said eyeing Sean, "I love the sound of that."

"Good to hear, well time for me to go." Manny said putting on her hat before kneeling down to kiss Alex's cheek as Jay gave her a hand with her luggage as she slipped her coat on before waltzing out the door with her rolling backpack behind her.