(A/N) thanks for those who reviewed and put me in their fav!
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The Silent Tears
Chapter 3
-Ed's POV-
I went inside of my house. I wanted to go straight to my room and see what Nick gave me today. I got from him something. It was so called a 'present'. But why he gave me this? What was the date today? I was wondering about it when I went inside to my room. Immediately when my doors closed behind me someone opened them. It was my step father .
'' Good evening young man...'' I knew somewhere that he was pissed. I could feel it. I sat down on my bed and waited for him to yell.
'' ...I hope you know what hour is. But that's besides the point...'' I closed my eyes and waited. He came closer to me. I heard him move.
'' ...Tell me WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!...'' He didn't curse when I or his perfect son were near. So it meant only one thing. He was more pissed then I actually thought.
'' ...I felt like a completely idiot because of you! It's almost the end of the 1st semester 1) and you done nothing! You are even insulting every teacher!...'' I hoped that he would just finish it and go away. I didn't know why but I always hated when someone was yelling at me like that. but I tried to not care or just act like I was not caring about other people words.
''...What are you going to do with your life! Look at Alphonse! He isn't acting like you and teachers like him. Why can't you be like him?...'' I had enough now! Always the same. Alphonse this, Alphonse that... Why couldn't he let me be myself. I had my own personality! My own life!
''...You have everything. Everything that every kid would dream of. You know that you have only to ask me or Riza and we'd buy you whatever you want...'' How could I forget about that? He was reminding me of it almost every day. And sometimes I wish that I hadn't have all that things.
I had to tell him that I wanted to have for example a new bike and he of Riza bought me one immediately. But I rarely asked them to buy me something. That was them who were bringing me those things.
''...but from now on you won't see anything from us! You won't watch television, go out with your friends. After school I want to see you in your room. In other worlds no more fun...'' Like I cared what he was talking about. I didn't care about television and I could always meet with others at school and simply go somewhere.
''... until you will change. Your behaviour and your marks.'' I thought he finally finished. I opened my eyes only to see dark ones. I watched as he sat besides me and put his hand on my shoulder. '' Tell me why do you have to disappoint me so much Edward? What are you going to do with your life? What are you going to achieve? '' He said it and left closing doors quietly. ''Disappointment '' How I hated that word.
I took that packet which Nick gave me lately and open it up. My eyes widened when I saw what was inside of it. But why he gave me this? He was telling me that it was not wise to take that stuff, but now he just... I didn't get him sometimes. But there was something else inside. It was some paper. '' I hope you are satisfied. I know you would do it someday, but remember that you put yourself in that shit -Nick''
What he was talking about he was that person who told me to not take it!
Damn with it! I didn't care. I was pissed now and I wanted to take something to relax, because my step father just had to help me every day to change my good mood.
But what was his worlds again? ''What are you going to do with your life?'' I didn't know. My life was already like shit. I looked down once again at that little packet in my right hand. Why I was here anyway? What I was going to do with my life? And why I didn't want to remember my past...
PAST
I was living with my father and mother in so many places. But I'd never forget one thing. Wherever we were moving to I never got my own room.
I was born in Resembool. It was really small and calm city. There were so many trees, so many green places. There was only one word that described that pace: beautiful.
Other kids from there were always kind towards you. When someone got a new toy he was always sharing with others.
I never got bored. There was always something to do. In summer we were playing at river. In winter when our river was covered by ice we were iceskating, In spring and autumn was time for kites.
When someone wanted to play in something we were realising that idea. There weren't any groups. Kids who were 15 were spending their free time with those who were even 5 years old. We were all the same.
No one was higher or lower.
I liked them all. I always could share with my childish problems and they tried to help me the best as they could.
I used to call that place my 'paradise'...
Someday my dad got a better job so I had to move from my paradise to a big town. My mom was talking about how fun it'd be. My own room with big closet and all. But I never saw that closet. I never get my own room. I was 6 then.
First we moved into some old house. But we didn't stay there for a long time. But next I remembered moving into other place in the same town, but my new home was in the other side of that town.
I and my parents were living in the high building, in block. My new settlement looked like huge labyrinth with all that old blocks and no green places, there were almost no grass, only that ugly asphalt that covered all nature.
Kids from there were different as well. Those who were older were looking at me like I was some kind of trash, someone not worth their time. So I tried to make new friends in my own age, but they weren't like my old ones. When someone got a new toy , others only wanted to break it. Everyone were looking how to be better than you were.
In group that I were in kids never asked how you were doing. They didn't care...
At the beginning I felt really worthless. And no one tried to change that. I was fed up with everything. I wanted to have at least one person who would be my friend. Why couldn't I find one? Why they all were so against each other? I didn't understand anything of it and there were so many questions unanswered.
People from my group were laughing and talking bad things at those who weren't there. I always was wondering if they talked about me too. But I couldn't ask them. I was too scared to hear the answer. I wanted to be accepted and treated fair. But did they know what the words 'honest' and 'fair' meant?
I wanted to be accepted and to feel esteemed. And I thought that at some point I wanted to look at them like the older were looking at me...
First I was just some stupid kid. I didn't have toys which others had. I was wearing different clothes and I didn't speak like others were. So it was hard for me to find some group that would want to play with me.
In Resembool we all were the same. There weren't anyone who was more important than you. But in my new group there was a boy. He was older and stronger than the rest, so he was like a 'boss' to us. We had to do everything that we were ordered to do. We couldn't have our own idea. We were always playing in what he wanted to.
But I didn't know why we were playing more against each other than together. The main reason in our playing was to do something bad to the another one. Whole fun relied on making the second one weaker than you, to derive advantage from him and to show your power and to demonstrate it.
The weakest ones were always beaten. I remembered when I moved in there and I wanted to meet some friends. They really beat me then. Of course my father yelled at me because I should show them where was their place and not act like some kind of wuss. But they were older than I was. Older and stronger, so how could I do it?
Once when I came back from field I saw my dad leaving. I asked him where he was going and he said that he would be back soon. But I hadn't seen him since that day. Of course at the age of 7 I didn't know what exactly to think. I told myself that he was a bastard and I hated him. And until today I didn't change my feelings.
I told myself that I had to be strong for my mom.. She was always so kind and nice towards me and even strangers. I thought that she was the one who was the strongest, but I changed my mind when I saw her tears. So then was the time when I had to be the strong one. For her.
She was really similar to Alphonse. Maybe that was the reason why I started to hate that boy? Maybe he remind me too much of her. Of the weaker one...
At the age of 7 school started for me also. Slowly I learned one thing there: You were the one with power or they would stamp out you.
In school I started of the weakest teacher. I always tried to say something unpleasant to him. Something that would be funny and others would laugh. So I started to cutting his lessons off . The rest of my class were laughing because of my jokes of the teacher. After some time I started doing it with the rigorous teachers. After some time I felt really accepted. I got the real respect of all my class.
When you knew how to talk back like no one else then you could be the boss. When I achieved that much with my big mouth I started to use my muscles. I wasn't the strongest one. But I could get really pissed and then I could beat guy who was stronger than me. I was happy when I met someone after school who done something not right like I wanted. I could show him his right place then. But after a while I didn't even need to rise my hand. Everyone were feeling the respect before me.
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There was one day that I'd never forget. It was really sunny and I was walking from my school straight to my home. But what I found in there wasn't the thing that I excepted. I and mom planned a trip. To Resembool. Mom had there some friend and she said that we could spend the night in her house. I couldn't believe that I was going back there. That I was going to see the nature again... But my mom was laying on the floor. Unconscious.
The doctor said that there wasn't much he could do for her. I wasn't stupid like I used to be. I knew that her time was slowly ending. The person who I loved , the person who I wanted to be strong for died.. I was left alone. My so called 'father' didn't even bother to came back on her funeral. I started to hate him even more.
I didn't have any family left, any relatives. I was all alone. So they took me to the orphanage house. I was nine then.
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The orphanage house. I had to stay there. It was a huge house with big garden. Some people who worked there were looking at me like another burden and some looked at me with pity in their eyes. I hated them all. I got my own bed and my closet. It was an old one but it was really big. I was living in a room with two other boys. One of them was eleven and the second one was eight.
The orphanage was divided into two parts. In one were living children to 11 years and in the second one were living those who were 12 and older.
The older boy really impressed me. He was the oldest from those who lived in the first part and he got everyone's respect. We quickly became friends. I was proud of it. I had older and stronger friend, but somewhere deep inside I wanted to be like him.
School wasn't near the orphanage, I had to walk there for about 30 minutes. But I didn't mind. When my new class started to treat me different because I was from the orphanage I started to use my old method. To talk back. So I interrupted teachers on their lessons with insolent worlds. Sometimes because I had a reason, sometimes because I wanted to say something, I started to fight again, against teachers and school. I wanted to be accepted. After some time I gained their respect, they finally accepted me.
I and my new friend were always walking and coming back together. Our classes started at the same time, but it didn't always ended at the same hour. But then the one who had longer lessons just didn't stay at the last one.
At the beginning I was afraid, and I wanted to learn. But everything that they taught us was learned by me when I was 7. So on the lessons wasn't much to do anyway. But if you wanted to learn more you had to have books. And for having them you needed money. And I didn't get much of those. When I got some I had to buy something to wear for myself because my clothes were really old and worn out. There always was another option. The library, there was only one in that town. But I wasn't welcome there so I couldn't visit it. I wasn't welcome because once I tried to steal a book from there. I really wanted to have that book. I even didn't know when I put it in my bag. That was my first time and I got caught. Of course I ran away and they didn't see me ever again.
But my friend taught me how to survive. He taught me how to steal. I was stealing from the supermarket. And why I started doing it? When my older friend and I were coming back from school we were smoking the old cigarettes which people threw away. We chose them from the ashtrays and trash cans. Or we just picked them up from the ground. I didn't know why smoking was a bad thing. Every adult said so, but why they were smoking it then?
My friend showed me how to do it. But after some time I needed more that what I had. So I started to steal from shops. Mainly I was stealing the packets of cigarettes. But I stole sweets as well. In orphanage they didn't give us sweets. All kids could have them but in orphanage they told us that sweets would spoil our teeth. So I tried to get things that they didn't give us by stealing.
There were a lot of rules. When you broke one you got punished. The punishment was usually to wash all dishes or clean something. I often got one of those. But people from there didn't care how I would do what they ordered me to. They only cared about results. So I always made some kid to do my work. And when someone came to check if I was done, I was already standing in the clean kitchen or room. I had those punishments because of my lateness. I and all kids had a free seven hours every week. You could go whenever you wanted. But you had to came back on time. Most of them went on one hour in one day.
But I knew how to sneak out and in to that old house. My friend taught me. It was really easy. All I had to do was go unseen to the cellar and went out using the window that was there. Our guardians checked on us four or five times a day. In the morning when we were going to school and when we came back. They checked those who were going out on the free hours and when they got back. Our guardian had to make sure nobody ran ways so at 9pm they were checking our rooms if we were asleep. I and my friend always came back at night. When we were about to sneak out we always gave the pillows under the covers. And that kid who was living in the same room was sleeping near the doors so when they opened them they saw him and pillows covered by blanket which they thought were us. They were too lazy to check like they should have. But I wasn't complaining. I knew that they didn't give a shit about kids from there. They needed a work to have money.
They were similar to our teachers in school. They checked our presently at the first two lessons. So if you were at them then you had been present on all other subjects. And teachers were more happy then I wasn't there. I could tell that, so they didn't try to change it. They knew that I didn't have any future and I would be no one.
When I was 10 my friend was 12 so he had to move into the other part of house. So I was left alone...again. But other kids from there didn't even speak to me. They were too scared. After having the most respect person as a friend you weren't on the same level any more. You were someone better, someone who was higher than the rest of them.
I stopped to listen at lessons. That didn't have sense any more. After all that hours I was absent I didn't know anything. So I began to play truant even more often.
I was often sitting alone under the tree in the park smoking. When I closed my eyes I imagined myself in a house with beautiful garden. Me my new mother and father were standing in it. We were smiling. Next to me stood a big dog. He was my best friend and we were always playing together near the river which was next to our house. On every evening he would lay on my lap when I would read books. I had them as many as I wanted to. But when I had to open my eyes and reality hit me I felt like shit. I knew that was only a dream. A dream that never would come true. But when I thought about it then...A dream that comes true wouldn't be called a dream right?...
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I turned twelve. They put me in the other site of the orphanage. My friend that I knew once got adopted so I didn't know anyone there. I was living in a bigger room with three other boys. The two of them were in my age, and the third one was two years older.
I didn't know how the hell I passed every year. I didn't know how I made it! But I always tried to do my best on every test.
In my class were a boy, his name was Mike. He wasn't a good student. Every girl wanted to date him, and every guy wanted to be him, except me. I wanted him to accept me, like others did. I wished that everyone were looking at me like they looked at him.
Sometimes when I talked back to the teacher I saw him smile. That was the first sight that he was accepting me. Teachers started to hate me even more. But I didn't care. People who I would see every day count, not someone who I saw one hour a day. In my school boys and girls who were cool were smoking and drinking bear. So I was stealing it and drinking with them.
We were talking after school sometimes. He had a shitty life as well. His was living with his father who was drinking.
But when he let me sit next to him I felt totally accepted. We were going together to school and we were skipping school.
One day he invited me to same club in order to meet his friends. I agreed. This was my chance how could I resist? I tried my old way in orphanage. I ran away. And they of course didn't notice me.
It was almost 8 pm when we entered the club. It was called 'Climate'. If you wanted to go inside you had to be at least 13 but he was known there, so they let us in.
The music was really loud, some people were dancing, some sitting by the tables. We sat by the table where was already sitting some group of kids. They were all Mike's friends. They all were older that I and Mike. Some of them were even 15 then. One of the boys took out of his pocket some pipe. It looked rather strangely, it looked like a wood tube which had twenty centimetres maybe? But I didn't say anything. First he put there some tobacco. Then he mixed it with hashish (I understood what it was later) and he put it in that tube which reminded me of some pipe. Then he smoked from it and gave it to another person who was sitting next to him. I looked at Mike and he whispered to me that they smoke hashish and I could join them. I didn't know exactly what hashish was, but I remember that it was a drug and it was forbidden. When my turn came I remembered how the others were doing it. So I tilted my head and held the tube possible vertically upwards. Everyone were focus on something, glancing at some area and listening to music.
I waited when something would happen to me, but I didn't feel anything. Maybe I felt a little staggered and that was all. I didn't know then yet that the most of those who smoke for the first time aren't aware of what they are exactly feeling. You had to have some experience in order to feel that feeling.
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They accepted me. I didn't have to show them anything, I didn't have to fight for their respect. They just accepted me. I and Mike were going to the 'Climate' every day. Sometimes when Mike couldn't go I went there by myself. I didn't feel like the rest of them, I think I was too young for it. But they were like my models. I wanted to be like them, I wanted to learn from them because I thought they knew everything, they knew what to do to live a good life. And they didn't care about anything else that was happening near them. I didn't care about school any more. My marks were getting even more lower. There was only one thing that I cared about: my new group of friends.
I was smoking at every evening. Those from us who had money gave some to the others. The workers from the club who had to keep an eye on everything that was going in that club were bugging us when we smoked. The most of them admitted that they were smoking as well. They were telling us then that we had to be careful. To not think of it like some way of running away from all problem etc etc. And some crap like that.
I didn't only smoke, when the hashish wasn't there I drank some cheap wine and bear. I had to take something immediately after school and sometimes before I went to bed. I always was dazed. But it was that what I wanted. To forget about that hell so called life. My appearance changed as well. I was even more thinner, because I didn't eat much. Also my cheeks became hollow...
Once when I went alone to the club I find there only Patrick, he was on of my new group. He was fifteen and got short brown hair and brown eyes. He was really skinny. I asked him where the rest was. He only shrugged. He asked me if I took acid before. I knew something about that stuff. I always was listening to their conversations. It was mainly about drugs. So I knew only that they called LSD 'acid' and it was some hallucinogenic substance or something like that, and it was usually taken by mouth. I told him that I didn't and he only smiled. He said that if I wanted some he would give me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to take it. But he would think of me like some child. I didn't want to be the weak one. I didn't want them to kick me out of their group. I was scared of that. I quickly nodded.
We were sitting on some chairs in the corner of the club. He took out some white pill and gave it to me. I closed my eyes and swallowed it. It had a slightly bitter taste. I didn't listen to that voice in my head that told me what I was doing was wrong. I was waiting for something to happen, but I couldn't feel anything. When at 10 pm they were closing the club we went to the bus stop. We met some guys. They were Patrick's friends.
They looked really calm. Patrick said that they were on heroin. I didn't care much, I slowly started to feel the pill.
When we went inside that bus I thought I was going mad. People who were there looked different, I could see they faces more clearly than before. But after a while I felt fear. I was scared of their ugly faces so I closed my eyes and waited for us stop.
Finally we went out of that damn bus. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. All lights were so shiny. In that bus I felt cold but now it was so hot like I was on some beach in summer. Patrick walked me to my house. He said good night and disappeared from my sight. I was left alone. But I didn't go inside I sat under tree in the garden. The white wall of the house seemed orange. The shadows were moving like they wanted to make some place for light. Then the wall looked like it was standing in flames. Everything looked so beautiful...
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It was a long time ago when I saw Mike. He wasn't at school and he didn't come to the club anymore. I was wondering what had happened.
But there he was...standing next to me. I looked at him happily because I didn't see him for a long time...but what I saw made me sick. He looked like a walking skeleton. He asked me if I had some money I gave him everything what I had. Then he walked out of the club without another word.
People from the club were my family. Everyone was kind and friendly. We didn't argue. We were talking mostly about hashish and music. And sometimes about people who were 'cool'. Every person who done a robbery or stole a car was cool for us.
I have been taking acid at least twice a day. I started every day from smoking hashish, drinking some bear or wine and then taking LSD. It was so different than before. Everything changed.
Nature had disintegrated on paints, forms and sounds, it was reflecting in my moods.
I started to think that my life were awesome and perfect. I was so proud of myself. Whatever I done, whatever I said I always was happy.
And months passed by...I didn't even notice it until something changed in club. In our group was a different mood, shit or hashish and acid weren't so insanity anymore. It was a normal thing to take an acid or smoke hashish. It wasn't fun anymore. Then someone from the club said he had got something new. Ephedrine. I took two pills of it, I didn't even know what it was and I drank one bottle of bear. And that evening everything became as it used to be. So brilliant! The good mood came back...
In school I got more and more trouble. I didn't even do my homework anymore and I didn't have much sleep so I was always sleepy. But they allowed me to go to the next class. I didn't know why. I didn't got any good mark all bad. I started to feel sick when I was somewhere around school. My relations with my class changed as well. I didn't talk with anybody. I didn't care about that respect shit! I wanted to have it in my group not in some class full of stupid brats. But even in the club I was sitting rather alone. I didn't talk with them as much as I used to. Mostly I was listening to them, not caring about anything...
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I had got a new goal. It was '' Higher Dimension ''. It was the new disco. I knew that there I could buy everything. From hashish to heroin. But I didn't even look at heroin. Everyone was telling me that it was shit and nothing more, and that it was not worth anything. I of course believed in it. Everything that people from ''Climate'' said was important to me and I always listened to them. Because for me they all were wiser and more intelligent that I was.
I didn't know if they would let me in. To the '' Higher Dimension '' only people who had sixteen years could went inside. And I? I was thirteen...
But I already changed the date of birth on my School identification card so they had to let me in.
When I entered that club everything seemed different to me. People were more ...amazing, but I knew some of them from ''Climate''
Then I saw someone familiar there. It was Mike...
I went towards him to say hi, but when he looked at me I stayed quiet. He wasn't Mike that I used to know anymore. He really impressed me then. He was more amazing than every person from ''Climate'' was.
He was known in the '' Higher Dimension''. People from there felt respect before him, I could see that by the looks that he got from them. And then I felt my inferiority complex. He was a drug addict. He was taking the heroin. I thought that it was a lie, but now I could see that it wasn't. People from ''Climate'' told me that Mike started to taking that stuff, but I couldn't believe in that. Mike was the one who told me it was a shit. So why was he taking it then? But maybe it wasn't as bad as everyone said.
Mike asked me what I had got. I answered him that I had only some cocaine nothing more. He wanted me to gave it to him so I did. I watched as he took it with shaky hands. Then he told me to not come here again.
I didn't understand him, why he didn't want me to come here? I asked him then what he was talking about. Then he glared at me like I murdered someone from his family or something. '' every shot is a half of death '' when he spoke those words he went out of the club, leaving me behind.
After a week I found out that he was dead. He overdosed...
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Now I was fourteen. After Mike's death I was depressed. He was a friend of mine after all. I decided to stop taking that shit. But it didn't waste for a long time. So from time to time I took some acid. But that wasn't enough either. I went to the club '' Climate '' to my friends, but they split up. Of those who were smoking hashish and those who were taking heroin. I sat next to them and Steve seeing my bad mood gave me some cocaine. I took it of course. After that I started to take even more drugs than before. Whenever I didn't take something I felt like shit. I wasn't taking them anymore because I wanted to be on that feeling... I was taking them because I wanted to see everything in normal way. I didn't want to be sad or depressed so I was taking those things.
When Riza and Roy adopted me I told myself: ' that's enough of it! No more! Now you have to focus on school and marks. Try to make your new parents proud of you! '
When I entered the new school first person that I meet was Nick. He wanted to show me my right place because I was new in there. I told him to fuck off. He then grinned and told me that he liked my attitude. We quickly became friends. Nick was taking drugs as well but he was also snorting the heroin. I told him many times that it was a wrong thing to do ,but he always said that from sniffing no one would get addicted...
So sometimes I was sniffing it with him. The feeling was just awesome! Everything seemed different to me. Now I understood why people were sniffing that stuff. But I wasn't stupid like some of them. I knew that I could get addicted. So I was only sniffing. But later did I know that it didn't matter how you took heroin, you always got addicted...slower of faster...but you did...
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And now he wrote something about shit! I really didn't understand him... I had enough of it! Fuck you all.
I took out everything that was inside. Nick gave me everything that I needed...even water? Maybe he didn't want me to forget about doing something? I didn't know and I didn't think about this any more. I wanted so badly to take it.
I have taken out the spoon, lemon and syringe. I sprinkled the white powder on the spoon. I added a couple of water drops, and some lemon juice, because the powder that never was clean could better dissolve.
I heated everything up by my lighter. Then I take the syringe. When everything was inside of it I put the spoon on bed. Next I looked down at my right arm, and for a while I looked at my vein. And I reminded something. I smiled to myself about what it was. Now I understood why Nick gave me this. I closed my eyes and said ''Happy Birthday Edward '' and injected the substance.
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There is a thing that I thought I'd explain to you:
1) From September to the 1st January we've got the 1st semester. Then from 1st January to 27th June we've got the second one. Every person have new marks and all in the new semester. But every person must pass both of them. If someone didn't pss the 1st one he can do it in the 2nd one (but he must learn the new things from the 2nd semester as well and pass that ). -I know it's a little different in some countries
(A/N) Sorry that I didn't update it yesterday! my cousin with my aunt paid me a visit ( an unexpected one)! and I had to take care of him all day so I didn't have time to write much...
And sorry for all my mistakes - remember that English is my second language!
Shimoariku I hope that you are happy as well :)
And a review would be nice...because I want to know if it sucked or not...