Disclaimers and notes, good time for that. Just wanted to reiterate that I own nothing, just the shirt on my back. Lyrics in this chapter are credited to Maroon 5 from the album It Won't Be Soon Before Long it helped me through a majorly difficult breakup in my teen life oddly, so the album is kind of close to my heart and this song was something that comforted me. It was literally for me the denial phase I Wont Go Home Without You and then Nothing Lasts Forever represents the truth and then this song is supposed to I suppose the acceptance that they are no longer around meant to be or whatever. At least that's how I analyzed it. Truthfully, I don't know what *their* intentions were/what they thought the song means everyone has their own spin on what a song could mean and for all I know it could just be a series of songs on an album, but that's how it worked for me. I just liked the music the lyrics were something I identified with. It resonated for me so here I am years from now remembering my cathartic experiences with heartache and that's where we are in this chapter. Break ups suck, I wanted to make it as real as possible.

I suppose one thing I do own is the entries, because they're quasi-based on things I wrote in my diary after the previously mentioned break up. I remembered how hard that time was and I've injected it into my work. Of course you'll see, it makes sense.

Just wanted to take the time before the chapter begins to thank everyone for reading, I appreciate the kind words, support and reviews because it makes a difference. :) - Brimi

Chapter 25

Better that we Break

I never knew perfection 'till, I heard you speak and now it kills me just to hear you say the simple things

Jay had been smoking since he was fourteen, he normally would smoke with Alex behind the outside bleachers unseen but when he was alone it's where he committed his vices most of all. As soon as he got home he slammed the front door, booted from his would-be best friend's house and left to his own devices and lit up cigarette. When in doubt, he thought to himself.

Now waking up is hard to do, sleepings impossible too and every things reminding me of you, and what can I do?

He checked his messages, a few bill collectors, a few hang ups and lastly, arguably a call he hoped for, it was Manny, letting him know she landed and that she's finally back home officially. Manny called in the mid-morning. When he didn't answer him she then shed and traded her long locks for something shorter and more sophisticated, to match the new girl rising on the horizon.

He instantly dashed his hopes, he had thought it was like the movies, she hadn't left and that there was still a chance but he knew life isn't like the movies. He would want that selfishly, but he knew that Manny wasn't full of surprises. Any bomb she dropped, while being unexpected was never necessarily a good thing. It was hard on Jay, it was more than likely the hardest thing he ever dealt with. He blocked out his issues of the family variety, no use crying over something that had happened years ago, but it made him all the more lonely and weary of people. Alex was arguably his only friend and he threw it back at her because things weren't going well. He tends to push people away when he's at the most, which makes him more lonelier than ever.

It's not right, not okay. Say the words that you say

Everything was reminding him of her in the apartment, surrounded by photographs, he turned those face down or took them down if they were hung-up. Knickknacks she picked out he put away. He found a notebook and decided to write his feelings. For an odd reason, it was largely making the hole inside of his chest stop leaking with the love juices. The truth was he had been with Manny for so long it physically pained him to be without her because at least when they were together and still apart he had least had the warmth of her on his mind, but that has been replaced with cold and loneliness. Manny had brought the light into his life, and when she left she turned it out. Last time they broke up, at least he had his other best friend, Spinner to cheer him up but he's gone too. His other best friend Emma is too preoccupied in Sean to care and he'd be lying if Sean and him see enough of one another. He spends about eighty percent of his day at Emma's, sleeps over about three days a week and he may as well say he doesn't live there anymore. He comes back to switch up, but Jay understands but it doesn't hurt any less. Alex is the only one left, she wasn't lying but even she doesn't understand the emotional toll Manny's departure has cast upon Jay.

I'm not fine, I'm in pain, it's harder everyday

He blames himself. He hates himself for letting her go, for driving her there for not holding her tighter when she was still around. Even when it was ending, when his heart was breaking he wanted her to stay, for those minutes he was whole again and he worried about things that weren't important, at least immediately important. He wanted to hold her to remember his love for her, but he also wished to forget the murky. There was no stopping him, the heart that beats in his chest is fractured, it still beats, it still leaks the worst kind of love juices around and yet his heart still manages to belong to her even when they're miles apart. He wistfully wondered, does she feel it too? Or does she put a mask on it like she always did, preoccupied with other things, pretending to be strong. Pretending to be strong is how Jay gets through everything, but he let that all go for her, and now he doesn't know how to be that strong person, or begin to masquerade that charade of one.

Maybe we're better off this way.

What did I do? I shouldn't have acted that way. I think the worst feeling about falling in love is, you have to be very wary about who you give your heart to, kisses aren't contracts, mergers break and former investments come back to work with you again. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. You choose to remain in denial and you'll lose your life's work. It's any wonder rich investors are old and unmarried, divorced and largely alone. Alcoholics. They drink to forget. I drink to forget but I'm tied between forgetting and hurting. I can't sleep without thinking, where is she? Who is she beside? The investors hey couldn't deal with that strife, money grubbers are greedy but someone who takes and takes isn't someone you'd want either. Life isn't a Shel Silverstein poem, and I will not The Giving Tree if I don't get anything back, warmth in return.

I guess if I ever fell in love again, I'd have to know they're in, all in for the long haul. Even if I were broke as a joke working at Burger King. I'd still want to provide, I'd still want to strive and yet they'd be content with my meager money because that isn't what mattered. Never did I think when I was with Manny that status mattered. I don't even think it did, just her unsureness about things, her tendency to fuck things up when things were perfect. Were they perfect? Did I just ignore the cracks in the foundation? Was I too hard on her? Questions I'll never know the answer to, but she does. I still love her and if there was anything I could do to bring her back I would, but everyone is telling me to give her the space she needs, even that hurts. I missed her call, I played the tape back twice to hear her voice. Her voice hurts me to hear, it even hurt her to speak. She still loves me, those feelings don't go away. So I'm writing these entries, to help me through. I can only talk to Alex so much about her before she tells me to stop because it's depressing. I'd feel bad but it's something I can't help. I know everyone goes through these but I was ready to say yes forever. I wanted to spend my life and maybe I waited too long to let her know. Until next time, or well maybe not. We shall see. - J

He closed the notebook and threw it under the mattress in the bedroom they used to share. He knew she'd never see it because she's not around. Alex wouldn't bother to look and he wouldn't expect her to. Everyone knows Jay Hogart doesn't write diaries, he's too cool of a guy to immerse himself in the trivial, childish and emotional feminine wonder of a diary. A notebook is what he'd call it if there ever was a name. Evidently he's too cool for a lot of things, but he managed to break down those barriers and constraints and found his way to Manny unconventionally and he fell in love with swift timing and yet he found it nearly impossible to let her go. Does that sound too cool? Now he sounds like a loser. It was hard before, and now since they were so close to a future, it was even harder. He thought losing Alex was hard but that was his best friend, meeting Manny was another story.

It's better that we break.

Jay opened up one of the bottles in the liquor cabinet, the numbing taste didn't bother him he thought that he may as well keep the steady flow of alcohol, when he saw he had no soda he just started chugging straight from the bottle. After the first few shots he became immune. Exhausted from the sleepless night at Emma's, inebriated from the strong intake of the liquor, he tossed himself onto the bed, he breathed in and smelled the aroma of flowers, it smelled still like her, like Manny. The pillows and blankets hadn't been changed since she slept there even for those few minutes he clutched the pillow where she'd lay as he mindlessly sailed off to sleep.

In his dreams the rain poured akin to his tears, he was somewhere familiar. Somewhere he hadn't been for such a long, long time. It was night, a roar of thunder, a clap and then a gust of wind. He was newly ten, donning a fresh pair of LA Gears, a birthday gift from his dad - the year was 1998. He could smell the fresh-cut grass. He remembered where he was. His feet were dangling off the side of his prized tree house. The last summer Alex and Jay were neighbors before they were separated. It was the last year he felt like a child, enjoying his time Alex was struggling herself, but alone. She had Jay but she kept her pain inside.

It was no secret Alex's family was struggling financially after the death of her father. He felt bad, and he wished there was something he could do, he thought she could stay forever. The kids on the playground used to tease them, asking if they were boyfriend and girlfriend but Jay was just unnaturally protective of his best friend. He knew he had to be.

He looked behind a little raven haired girl, with a scrunchy in her hair with a big long pony tail. They used to spend countless hours in the tree-house, rain or shine, however on this day he climbed up and she was dangling her legs off the ledge. They were almost nine. It had been a tough few months for Alex, her dad passed away. He suffered liver failure the year before, and now she's crying and there's not much else he could do. She was afraid of the thunder, the loud roaring winds and Jay would protect her. Alex has to move in with her mom, Emily and attend a school called Degrassi. She stays with mom every other weekend but not permanently. Everything she has ever known had been ripped from her. Alex had already been predisposed to a few brushes with fighting between Emily and her boyfriend of the month. She just cried, causing Jay to look over with concern, a large strike occurred causing her to clutch him and hide her head in his chest. Her tears wet his dry tee-shirt.

Sometimes they'd just sit as she'd tell him everything going on at home, the kind of things she'd bottle up. Sometimes she'd just cry there but the tree house was their place to be. Jay sure, he had other friends but Alex was the only person who understood him. All the other kids thought he had it all, he did not until he became friends with Alex because Alex knew that underneath the façade of being rich and a bit of a class clown he was hurting after his mother's death and his dad didn't make it easy for him. In fact, hired someone to build them that tree house because he had always wanted one. After reading books like The Boxcar Children and being obsessed from an early age with Swiss Family Robinson and growing up with Winnie the Pooh, he too wanted a place he could call his own away from the obligations and constraints of living privileged. At parties they were seen and not heard and what Alex was going to say next, further divided them. It was the first time Jay realized money meant something.

"We have to move." She spoke finally, tears lingering in her eyes, she finally made eye contact, "I have to move with my mom and her boyfriend - whoever."

He raised his brow steaming up, breathing inward and outwardly, stammering and stuttering, before retorting, "I won't be able to protect you! T-t-this is horrible."

She sighed sadly, "I don't think there's anything I could do."

Alex had stayed with the Hogarts for the past few weeks after her father's death, until further arrangements were made about whom she'd live with. Since her paternal grandparents were too old to take care of her and be responsible for her, they had no choice but to reach out to Emily, the last person her father wanted raising their daughter. It was clear enough, he had more days of custody than Emily, who only had every-other-weekend, because Alex attended school. Alex was the product of teen parents, one who made something of them self and one who did not. At one time they were happy together, but when the relationship ended, it was ugly. He opted for sole custody, but Emily was allowed time with her, since she was largely disowned by her own parents she was on her own she didn't have the army of lawyers like her ex. Alex's dad was a big drinker, but his habit was never out of control. His job was pretty high stress, he was big at his company and often would drink, when meeting with various clients on business trips. Alex wasn't a match and besides she was too young. She doesn't know about that part. She was just too busy grieving to listen in on private conversations. When her father died, so did her relatives who never quite paid any mind to her and her grandparents died soon after, she found out in the paper. That was years ago. Jay was there for her through that.

Perhaps Alex always saw the divide before Jay did between the haves and the have notes, Alex being the have not long before Jay did. Jay used to be jealous of how Alex's father doted on her, she was his princess and when he died he swore Alex was never the same. She was thrust into an environment that further brought her down.

"Move? Why?" Jay asked confused, "Only one kid I ever knew moved, he never came back."

Jay had heard the stories of her weekend visits, she had no bed there, she slept on the couch, they got drunk and fought in the kitchen her dad used to rescue her, when she had him that was.

"Don't make it harder than it has to be, Jay. We will see one another again, I promise. Whatever it takes."

He bitterly tried to put a brave face on, but jumped causing her to jump by the loud boom of thunder before he looked at her, and she looked at him. He leaned in closer to her, as did she and they kissed. They ignored the booming sounds of the storm as their legs dangled off the end of the tree house.

And they did. When Jay got word from Alex through an instant message that things were bad at home in Fall 2003, he hopped in one of his dad's cars and drove it to Degrassi, with his trust fund he bought a trailer and started anew. He initally moved to Degrassi to be close to Alex the best friend and arguably love of his life. He stuck around because for the first time he felt like he was home. It took on a whole new meaning. Over time, Jay spent so much time over Alex's he became somewhat of an unofficial member of the family. Even Emily's boyfriends respected Jay, they knew if they ever tried to lay a hand on Alex or Emily they were dead meat. Jay had his own issues at home, issues he never really confronted, but could really do without. Alex became his family, his responsibility and even though their relationship didn't last romantically, he'd always revered her as someone he wanted to keep in his life, in his company she was special to him and he never wanted her to forget it. Manny didn't take her place, Alex was in a class by herself. He knew romance was never in the cards for them, at least permanently. He knew she had her preferences and they didn't align with him. They were better off that way.

Manny was different, with them not being together though, he couldn't say it was better off this way for them. With that thought, he jerked himself awake. He noticed it was now dark outside. He was still tired, so he slid underneath the blankets and drifted off to sleep.

. . .

Emma, Sean, Alex and Craig ordered some pizza and spent the day largely inside playing catch up and talked about different things, but Alex was ready to come home, because she felt like it was a good time to see Jay. She stood up after dinner discussions and put on her coat, "I should go home, he needs me."

Emma pulled Alex into a hug, "That's fine, do let Jay know that . . I am sorry for the way this morning went."

"He was out of line." Alex shrugged within it before sighing, "I've never seen him this torn up since, Mel."

As Emma pulled away and Alex put on her coat and slipped on her shoes from the corridor she asked, "Mel?"

"One of his ex-girlfriends. She worked at Zanzibar with me, years ago."

"Let him know, I apologize too though." Emma sighed, "I feel shitty about this morning."

"You only said it about a thousand times, Emma. Sometimes, it's touch and go with him. He just cares . . about everything too much."

"I could say that about Manny." She replied smiling.

As the girls talked and said their goodbyes, Craig and Sean reminisced on old times. They waved good-bye to Alex who waved to them before she made her way back to Jay's house. Emma hopped back on the couch as she listened to them chat mindlessly about the past. Some stories she remembered, others she had forgotten.

"Did I ever tell you about this girl over here's crush on me?" Craig asked causing Emma to jump recoiling, "Don't let that face fool you."

Sean raised an eyebrow, "Emma?"

"It was at least or over ten uuber long years ago!" Emma exclaimed defensively.

"Still happened." The dark-haired boy leaned back on the couch snickering.

"If you knew, and you still asked my best friend to dance."

"I knew I should've snuck into that senior dance." Sean laughed in response, "Dressed like Tom Cruise in Risky Business."

"I think you could've pulled it off." Craig answered thoughtfully, "You had enough plain white tees to pull it off and wayfarer . . "

"I know, that was sort of my point."Sean boasted proudly.

"Everyone kept saying I dressed like my mom. I was trying to be Cyndi Lauper."

"I've seen pictures, enough pictures to know." Craig chimed in, "I was Sid Vicious."

"Only told me fifty times, that night and anytime I passed that picture in your foyer of you rockin' the fedora."

"No wonder your mom does hair now because that took some talent." Craig added, changing the subject.

"Ugh," Emma said with disgust shaking her head, "It took hours to do and then many more hours to get the knots out."

"Speaking of bad hair though, go get that picture from the wedding out of your bedroom, you know the one."

"Oh please, no! I wish I could live it down."

"Emma you'll never live that down, it took everything in me not to make a bad hair joke!" Craig exclaimed.

Emma sighed, shaking her head, "I'm glad we're all hanging out. It's just like old times."

"Old times are overrated, though, at least some of them are." Craig relented, "I wouldn't trade the ones with you guys. Summer 2002 was a blast, wasn't it? See, I don't know what happened in high school but I wish I spent more time with you guys."

"It means a lot, coming from you."

"Chyea, same here, man."

"Here I thought you guys would treat me different because of what I do with my life now."

"We knew you when." Emma replied in a sing-song voice. Emma sat up jumping off of the couch, "Who wants a beer?"

"Abso-lutely. Em, you've been holding out!"

"Same here." Sean answered as Emma got some beers from the fridge and they resumed their little journey and trip down memory lane sipping on beers and chatting about a much simpler time.