(A/N) Thanks for those who reviewed or read my story!
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The Silent Tear
Chapter 4
There was a disco. It was called '' Sound ''. Ashlyn took me there for the first time. I didn't even know when we started dating. But I knew one thing for sure she didn't care for me and neither did I. In school every one who was better had a girlfriend.
Teachers hated her, she was taking drugs with me. That was only one thing that we were doing together. But she was pretty. I was proud of her. I didn't feel ashamed when we were walking somewhere together., like most of boys. I felt better because I had her as my girlfriend. But now her mother took her to some old church lady to the other town. I didn't know how she would survive there. Without drugs, but knowing her she would find a way to get them.
'' Sound '' was similar to the '' Higher Detention '' but there was even more amazing people, the music was louder and there was more dealers.
I told my step parents that I was going to a sleepover to my friend house. After lecturing me they agreed. Of course I was going to the '' Sound '' place at that night.
I was sitting with others by the table. I really wanted to take something. I needed it. But I was completely out of money. But they shared with me. They gave me some acid and cocaine. I took it and drank some cheap wine. Then I caught that feeling. World seemed to me more beautiful that before. At the end they shared with me with heroine. But no one have the syringe and all needed stuff. But that wasn't the problem, because there were a lot of heroine takers. We only had to ask them about help. We borrowed some old syringe, but we didn't care. We only wanted to take it.
In the middle of the night we went out of that disco. We walked to the skating rink. The ice was slowly becoming a water because that night was warmer than usually. I was skating on that water and I imagined that I was skating in a ocean. Suddenly I heard someone breaking the window. They started to rob the cash desk in that place and started to ran off and so did I. When we were at the train station in the left part of the city they started to sharing with robbed money. I got something as well even if I did completely nothing. We all were so happy not because of that money but because of cops who were patrolling that place at night. They would have a trouble in the morning. I didn't know if it was drugs or not but we started to throwing money at the street. Not caring about them. There wasn't any noise except that what our voices done in miles. We acted like some kids that opened out their Christmas presents.
We went through the train station. I never was there. It's not like I didn't travel by the train before. In town where I lived we had two train stations. The firs one was for the rich people. Trains were clean and expensive. People from there were nice and friendly or they tried to act like this.
The train station where we were at was really dirty. There were so many tramps who were laying in corners. Every thing from there was covered in dirt.
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Every day seemed so depressing to me now. I didn't know the reason why I was doing what I was doing. I didn't see any reason in my life. Hashish didn't give me anything anymore, sometimes when I took it I was different, so out of there, but that was all. It didn't help me anymore. So I started to take even more pills.
And so months passed by. I was taking heroine more often that before. At least twice a week. But it wasn't like that I was addicted. No. I could stop whenever I wanted to.
Once when I had some money I really overdid with pills in '' Sound''. I was in a really bad mood then, I felt so depressed even more that usually. I took two captagans, three ephedrine's and a couple of pills of kofeine and I drank it all by bear. When it started to tearing me apart I didn't like it. I tried to calm myself down by taking valium. I didn't even remember how much I actually took it.
I tried to go home. But I couldn't stand that feeling and in a street I fell down. I crawled to steps from some building. After a while I stood up and support myself by using the walls. My home was at the end of that street. It seemed to me like a road which didn't ended. I thought that I would die if I won't come back to home. But the worse was that pain in my chest. I felt like someone was trying to make a hole in my heart by sword. I didn't know what had happened next. I remembered only the moment when fell on my bed.
Riza and Roy tried to wake me up in the next morning, but nothing happened.
When they came back to home from their work and they saw me in the same position I was left, they started to use a cold water. I remembered seeing their faces, but I was completely limp. I didn't know what was
happening next to me.
In the next day I could stand on my own. I told them that I had a stomach flu and some problems with my circulation. And that some of my classmates had it before. I told them also that the doctor wasn't needed because I would be alright by the end of the week. They seemed satisfied with that bullshit ,they always were when I was telling them about my state I was in. I thought that they were stupid because how anybody could believe that nothing was wrong with me? But after some time I understood that they didn't want to know the truth. They preferred to live in lie.
I was right in the next days I felt a lot of better. I even went to the '' Sound'' on Saturday. I took acid there. And for the first time I saw a nightmare. I had my first trip horror. There was some poster with a man smoking. In the right corner was a little blue spot. And it started to change. It changed into a face. An ugly one. But in the last minute I succeed into focusing my mind on something else.
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I was sitting in my history class. I was thinking of ways to get some money. When the bell rang I quickly walked out of my classroom.
I looked for Alphonse. I was sure he had money, he always did. Roy always gave him some when he got an excellent mark.
Finally I saw him. He was reading some book. I smiled to him friendly. He was rather shocked by my behaviour. I never came to him on the breaks.
'' Hey Al'' I started.
''Edward? Can I do something for you?'' He knew that I wanted something so I'd just ask without any other stupid questions.
'' Can I borrow some money ?''
'' I'm sorry but no'' he shortly answered and went back to reading.
'' May I know why not?'' I asked him with anger in my voice. I didn't want it to sound like that I just got angry at that statement. I wanted to hear a different answer! Maybe I wasn't used to that answers because no one ever said 'no' to me before. I always got what I wanted.
He looked at me again and said with calmly voice. '' Dad said I can't let you borrow anything '' I was lucky I didn't sit because I would fall from the chair hearing that comment. '' Daddy said so and I the most perfect and the most intelligent son will obey his orders. Because he is my daddy and I am a good boy!'' I muttered to myself making sure Al heard me.
''Edward I really can't ...'' but I cut him off yelling '' Just go to hell you fucking asshole! '' He was surprised, but not as much as I was. I didn't want to say such a words to him and I didn't want to yell in the first place! But I felt strange then. Like I couldn't control my anger any more. I decided to go somewhere else where I wouldn't meet him because I didn't know what I'd do. I was so pissed that I could beat the shit out of him.
I started to walk away. I didn't care of Al who was calling me by my name. I had to find something that would help me relax. What was the day today? Wednesday? How could I forget about such a silly thing? But I had to know because I didn't know what period I had now. I grabbed some kid by collar of his shirt '' What day is today? '' I asked. ''M-m...ond..ay...'' he answered shakily. Monday! Why I started to forget about things and all? Is something the matter with my memory? Ah fuck it!
I looked at that kid one more time. Heh who would guess that he was from my class. And another plus? He was smoking. '' Give me your cigarettes '' He didn't argue or try to run. He just hand it over and stood still waiting for my next comment. Everybody from my class knew damn well that they would be screwed if they wouldn't do something right, just like I wanted to. '' Get loss '' I hissed. I didn't even blink and the kid was already gone. No where in sight. I had some shitty cigarettes but I couldn't complain. At least I had something to take to survive the rest of the day, but I knew I must take something else by the end of the evening.
But of course Al saw everything. He just passed me without another word. But I saw that in his eyes. That disappointment. How I hated it. I didn't know why I hated it, maybe because of my mom? Whenever I done something not right she tried to smile and help me out and she always hugged me at the end...but I always noticed that feeling which she tried to hide. I saw it in her eyes. Disappointment.
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When I was walking home I meet one of my mates. He was a drug dealer. I asked him if he could give me something, anything. He only smiled sadly seeing my determination, but I didn't care. He gave me two pills of acid. I took it right after he gave me them.
After a while when normally it should work I didn't feel much difference. I was thinking that he gave me some shit.
I went inside of my home. I wanted to go straight to my room. I wasn't in the good mood to see my step parents or their precious son. But of course Roy had to greet me in the doorway. He looked rather pissed ...like always . But he didn't say anything else just look at me with his dark eyes. I felt like I had done something bad which deserved punishment.
When I was walking to my room I saw Alphonse and then I understood everything. He told his parents about my outburst today and that pocket of cigarettes. That was the reason why Roy was looking at me like that.
When I sat on my bed I wanted to focus my mind on one thing: drugs. That wasn't good. Maybe I should end with heroine? But people couldn't get addicted easily. Right? And I could always just stop taking it. Whenever I wanted to I could always stop. Every time! But I didn't want to stop it now...
I felt strange sleepy. My eyes were closing by themselves. So I was laying on my bed with my eyes half opened. I started to feel that acid which I took before. And after some time I had something like a nightmare... again. That horror returned.
That blue spot from ''Sound'' changed into that face again. After a while I started to panic because I was scared of it. I couldn't turn my head in the other direction. I couldn't close my eyes. When I tried they only widened. I was completely numb, glancing at that scary thing.
Next I thought I was bleeding. My blood was everywhere, on my clothes, on my bed, on the walls and floor. It seemed to me like hours. I couldn't say a word, I couldn't move.
But in the last moment I turned around, somehow and closed my eyes.
I didn't remember much after that. I knew only that I was woken up by someone who was shaking me by my shoulder. It was Riza.
I looked at her worried face. I couldn't argue with her. Her actions remind me of mom. It's hard to say it. But sometimes I was jealous of Al. Look at him. He had everything. Money, his own room, good marks, father and what's the most important. A good and kind mother.
I looked at her. I didn't want to say anything. I didn't trust my voice. I waited for her to spoke.
'' Edward you're a teen. You have many problems like we all had once. You know that you can trust us right? '' she asked. I reminded silent.
'' If there was something that you couldn't handle on your own you would tell me or Roy right? '' she asked once again. I looked at her, in her worried eyes and with thin voice I answered '' Yes ''
She only smiled at me. It wasn't a big smile but a smile nonthenless. I always liked when someone was smiling because of me. And by telling her that I trust them all and by telling her that I didn't have any problems I was making her smile. In other words I was making her smile by lying.
She kissed me on my forehead and went out of my room closing doors behind her. She cared for me right? So why she left? Why she didn't stay with me a little longer?
I didn't know when tears started to leak from my eyes. I tried to whip them off but there always were new ones. I felt so worthless right then. So worthless and good for nothing. Whole world seemed to me so hopeless and pitiful.1)
I took out from my bag packet of cigarettes and I didn't care if the doors were locked or not. I started to smoke it. One by one. I didn't know when I smoked all packet and I still I felt empty. I needed to take something.
I didn't have money ,so I had to find someone who had some heroine. I needed that drug.
Without bothering with opening the window and doing something with that smoke smell I went out of my room taking my bag with me. When I was going through the hallway I saw a wallet. Roy's wallet. Something told me to go away from it as far as I could but my legs didn't listen. I heard some footsteps coming in my way, so I acted quickly without thinking of it twice. I grabbed some money from it and put it back on the closet where it was laying.
'' What are you doing?'' I heard my step father asking.
'' I'm going to my friend's house, we have to do a history project in order to get a good mark '' I lied. Heh I was good at it.
'' But don't be late for supper '' He informed me with a smile. He was happy because I told him I was going to learn, to do something in order to pass the first semester. I only waved him and quickly ran out of the house. Everyone said that a lie was a bad thing. But without those lies they wouldn't be happy...right?
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I went to the market in order to find my dealer. His stuff was good. There wasn't any risk by buying it. I hated days when he wasn't in town. I had to buy it from someone else.
When I found him I give him my money and he gave me some heroine ,cocaine and two pills of acid.
I went to the train station to the one of the public toilets. I wanted to take heroine. But somewhere in my head I heard voices. They told me that I was worthless. They told me about letting Riza and Roy down. People who wanted my good. I felt like shit then. I didn't know what to do. I could take it now for the last time...
But someone interrupted me. It was an old drug addict. I heard about him from the others. He was in the doldrums. And I didn't want to end like he did.
He was standing right in front of a mirror in the public toilet. And he took out some old syringe and he sticked it into his throat. He didn't have any other place to do it any way. Because the other veins weren't any use any more.Then he started to bleed. Maybe he took it by the artery? He wasn't scared of anything. I couldn't take anything like he did. Next what I know was him passing by me with a smile. He looked like death, like a wreck...
I didn't know when my syringe feel onto the dirty ground. I quickly pick it up. I looked at the white powder in my right hand. I threw it to my bag as well as the syringe and I went to my home.
No more! Now I had to do something in order to prove my worth to Roy and Riza. I would show them that I can pass that school. And I would do something with the teachers maybe? I would show them as well that I want to pass. And I wouldn't see that eyes with disappointment in them. I wouldn't never!
Thinking like that I went to my home. I threw my bag as far from my as it was possible. I didn't want to have anything to do with drugs. Never again! I wouldn't end like that old addict.
But suddenly the doors went wide opened. In the doorway stood my step dad. He looked furious. I didn't know what to do, be scared and wait or ran away.
'' Listen to me clearly! If I see you somewhere else than in your room or in school you will regret it understood! I won't allow a thief to live in my house! "
I didn't know what to answer. I totally forgot about that money which I stole from him earlier.
'' And I don't want to see you with a cigarette! Understood! '' he yelled one more time. Did he really think I was deaf or what? But how he found out that I was smoking? Al! He told him! Or maybe not? My room smelled like one big packet of cigarettes...
'' Yes'' I answered him shortly.
'' That's all? You aren't planning eee...I don't know...oh maybe apologizing to me! I'm your father crying out loud! If you needed money that badly you just have to say so '' He was not my father! My father left me years ago and he didn't give a shit about my whereabouts. So I didn't want another one. '' you're not my bastard father. I hate him. '' I muttered to myself. I didn't care if he heard me or not.
'' Could you say it a bit louder?'' I didn't know what the hell possessed me ,but I yelled '' You aren't my father! ''
Next thing that I remembered was seeing a hand. He slapped me right across my face. I didn't suppose he would do something like that. I could tell that he was in shock himself. I guess he didn't hit a kid before. But there always must be the first time...
'' Edward...'' But he didn't finish what he wanted to because I grabbed my bag and I ran out of that house.
I found myself in the familiar toilet. I heard that voices again. But this time they were shouting. With shaking hands I prepared everything that was needed to take my dearest drug. I didn't give a shit about school ,a good reputation and a good marks. Next thing that I know was that warm feeling which was the cause of the drug in my vein.
Then I knew one thing for sure. I was addicted.
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(A/N)
I thought I would explain something:
1) When someone is taking drugs he has strange changes of mood. In one second he can laugh with all his life and in the second one he can cry a river for no reason.
They also have memory problems.
Sorry for taking me so long! I couldn't use my computer...
And it would be nice if you would tell me what you think of it. Even if it will be a flame I really want to know! Thanks again!