Disclaimer: I still own nothing, guys.

Chapter 26

Shane

Unknown to everyone, while there was discussions, friendship and love Sean Cameron was internally suffering. You see, despite reconnecting with an old flame, with Emma he was unfortunately faced with the reality of being free. Free to do whatever, free to roam, live and have everything he ever wanted. All his friends reuniting and despite a few being missing through circumstance, they spent five years at least, apart and yet they get on like they used to.

While Craig was missing from Sean's life for the most part, with the exception of favors and small awkward conversation. Webcam chats with Manny and Emma and Sean would be in the background talking up with him while he was away in Vancouver. It was Craig's to leave Degrassi, he always resented Sean for not taking him with him, but it's washed up old news now, water under the bridge. Craig never wrote Sean, he in turn would call him. Sean bought a cheap computer at a local pawn shop before enlisting, he had made bank with his mechanic work in his own home and at Tony's garage with Jay taking after his brother.

It was expected, Tracker although being his older brother, Sean was a mistake. Sometimes Sean thinks that his father isn't who he knows to be his father. Sometimes when they'd fight, she'd spend days at a time away from the home. It was the one time his dad couldn't go to work, and he was fired that day for not showing up when they needed him. It was the first of many and in his young mind, corrupted by his surroundings that he had this suspicion that Elaine, his mother has cheated on his dad. Tracker all but applied it, leaving Tracker and Mr. Simpson and sometimes even Mr. Elh but he always felt like with the three men in his life, he wished he listened more to them, because despite his prideful brother, his kindhearted teacher and mentor Mr. Simpson and Mr. Elh as the man who he believed was a lot like him at his age. He might have partied a little hearty and wound up wheelchair bound, paralyzed from the waist down. Mr. Elh was a criminal in his young life. Petty theft, greaser-esque streetwise thug. He was Scumbag Steve, before the name Steve, he was prideful and badder than Leroy Brown, he would fuck your day up. He worked out, but although muscular and in shape he was more on the leaner side. He was a club bouncer by night, feeding his posse of cronies and they'd go out and repo things, on their own terms. One day Elh stole from the wrong person and like his personal espy twin old Leroy Brown, unrelated he was a broken man. He was thrown through a window and he landed all wrong. His body twisted, his spinal cord, compromised. He was never the same. He grew to be depressed, dabble in gambling and drugs. Elh was a rich guy, even though he stole it all. Went to prison when they found his 'secret lair' so said the headlines.

Sean saw him at the diner late at night, while still in town. They talked for hours about things. Mr. Elh was a good listener. A stern man, when you look in his eyes he just knew that he knew it all and he was humble. Sean was great with humility, he knew it well. It was a feeling that was sort of friend of his, like a dark cloud. Mr Elh put into words everything that he feels about his life, he finally had a friend who was still an adult who wasn't his brother and who sometimes would test his temper. Mr. Elh was more than tolerable. He was really excited to hear when Sean reached out to him and he helped him get acquainted with Tony before he officially moved back to Degrassi and Sean said he would have to get settled in before he was beginning working.

Sean is happy, granted but he lost his best friend on the battlefield and ever since, life has never been the same. Sean has grown to be pretty impulsive about his wants in life, and now instead of sulking miserably his whole life long, he seriously feels like he wishes he could fake this one thing. He doesn't want to be weak for Emma, it pains him physically to see her sad or hurt. If he could take back freshman year, he would a thousand and one times over. He didn't regret the awesome friendship with Jay, it morphed into something, what could you do for me, and more what can I do you for, buddy? Sean knows Jay has his back, and Jay knows Sean would kick ass if he had to if he were in a bind. So far, nothing could stop them now. He hates to pick at flaws, but he finds it odd how close Jay and Emma had grown between his departure five years or so back. He hates to think, about the past, the past just trips him up and makes him feel guilty for not seizing the moments. He wished he had come back sooner, with her eating disorder, which he learned about after the fact. He feels similar when he thinks for Ellie and how he was there for her with her cutting. Even though Emma is fine, it could be a thing that he could worry about constantly because it's something you don't just 'get over'. It's not something you get over, it's a ritual, it's a mindset and it's all day by day one step at a time.

So Sean decided to go home to Jay and he took Craig with him, he knew he had to fix things because he knew he would be spending time with them considering he's also Emma's friend and a close family relative. One thing that was different from Emma is Sean's family is non-existent and he's only actively speaking to his mom and dad no aunties, grandparents or no uncles just Tracker and his wife, so related by proxy to her. He feels so lonely. In the military he had a friend named Shane in his barracks who passed away in combat. Sean saw it all go down. He was shot something ricochet of an electric fence and it conducted somehow and he was electrocuted and basically fried and he died shortly after. Sean was actually discharged, but honorably and Sean was better for it. He started visiting Mr. Elh and then decided on a whim to come home and here he is. Sean cracked pretty much when he now he's sort of sewn together. Shane was a brother to him someone he felt a positive connection where you can get drunk and party or work on cars. He knew he couldn't have what he was with Jay with Craig because Craig and Sean's hobbies rarely were the same. Sean has his own demons on top of who ever's baggage he takes on despite so much being on the line. Sean felt as if he nearly let the girl he loved out of his life. He got through it and he got the girl. Somehow, Sean wishes that he would've done more to save him. He should have told him not to go past the line, but he crossed it and he was gone in an instant. On the ground convulsing from the shocks, white as a sheet fright cooled down his body as he watched helplessly in terror.

And that's what he doesn't want anyone to know. Inside he's dying, it's the third technical time someone died in his immediate care. First, it was Rick and then JT and lastly, Shane. After the death of Shane, Sean became more carpe diem, go after what he wishes and yet he knew if they knew they'd coddle him like they did when he was young, namely Emma who would worry. The last thing he wanted from her was worry. He wanted her to love him, like he loves him, on his own accord so he is very much himself, just the side of him that, doesn't worry and sweat every little thing. The only sadness and sorrow he really possesses is his feelings for his former friend, Shane. The time he's spending at home is helping him, but his old habit of keeping things in, are starting to manifest into terrors at night. He hopes she wouldn't wake up and see him that way. Jay's seen it once, Sean doesn't know that his mannerisms after a particular nightmare would manifest outwardly as he was in slumber.

Emma and Sean were sleeping in bed a few times, he tries to stay up as late as possible with her, and she would sleep first. He does that so she doesn't see him. When he knows she's asleep is when he feels it's okay to sleep. He hates to think that way, but he naturally worries about that.

Sean returned to Jay's house that night, he sat beside Jay and sternly gave him a look, "I'm sorry about today."

The other guy didn't feel ill-will toward Sean, he knew he was asleep for the better part of the argument and he was more or less concerned about the twitches in Sean's sleep and the chaos and hoopla of Manny's departure, Craig being around and then the fight that soon followed of words. "Look, Sean we hadn't had an opportunity to talk about this but," Sean blinked back and looked at Jay, "Who is Shane?"

"H-How do you know about that?" He bellowed, with defense. He nearly got up but Jay pushed him back down on the couch on his shoulder.

"You were sleep talking. You kept saying no, you whined a bit and then I tapped you to wake up, and you just got silent and turned on your side. "I won't tell Emma."

Sean was silent for a few moments. He didn't know what to say to that. He had no idea that someone had seen him have a night terror and it manifested outwardly, so much so that he would speak in his sleep about something pertaining to that topic.

"What's going on with you, man?"

"What're you, my shrink?" Sean asked defensively.

"I'm your friend, you can tell me these things. I'm not dumb, the army is some hardcore shit. I've seen movies."

Sean was fuming, although he was so good at bottling up, "Did you lose a best friend on the line?"

"He's sitting right next to me, and I thank God he's still here. Why?" Sean answered refusing to expand, contrived effort.

"Sean . . "

"Fine!" He exclaimed, standing up off of the couch, turning toward Jay, "I-I did. Shane. Met him in basic."

"You saw him -"

Sean didn't want to cry, but the memories were so visual and so raw and so real, he was reminded of that. He was the first friend that he was able to talk to about things like this, "Jay, don't worry about me."

"You saw a guy die, and he was your friend. All isn't right."

"Yeah? If Emma found out, she'd be like poor baby. I can't have her worrying about me, not when I'm the one - "

"Times have changed, Sean and you have to get used to it. Keeping this from Emma, is bad."

"I don't want her to think I'm some helpless baby, I-I've never mourned like this. And I have to be strong for her. I can't falter." He muttered, "It's not like when JT was killed . . I wanted revenge. When Shane died, it was a freak accident and I saw him - I saw him die!" Suddenly, Sean cried. For the first time, "I never cried until - until now."

"Sean . . " Jay leaned over to give him a friendly hug, but Sean jerked himself away refusing to be babied, "Emma isn't fragile! She's breakable, but it's not like she's glass."

He pointed at Jay, "No! Don't hug me. Hugs won't help me." He then, cupped his head in his hands his voice muffled though, as he settled for talking but he'd rather not talk about it, half hearted he muttered, "I want to talk though."

"Sure." Jay purses his lips, "Hugs help, though."

"Look at you." Sean lifted his head, sniffling, shaking his head, "Years ago you'd of called me some big baby. Now you're offering the hugs and the Kleenex."

"What can I say? Love has gone and changed me."

"Shane was a lot like you. Optimistic, smart, but I felt like I couldn't talk to you because . . . because you - I looked up to you, Jay." He sighed, "I wanted to be like you. So much so, that I never wanted to falter with you, I didn't want you to think less of me. Sure, we were best friends - you didn't know anything about me! It's my fault though because, I-I made it so so that if something ever happened to one of us - it wouldn't ruin me." Sean sighed, "And then Shane came along and . . we gelled well because he was so much of a reminder of my friends back at home you, Alex and all. Except, he wouldn't accept that. He just - broke down my walls and he'd invite me places on and off base. He'd ask me about shit. He knew about everything basically. Emma, how I felt and he told me to go for it. He said, if you love someone you let 'em go and they were yours all along if they or you see one another again. If it's that kind of love."

"I get you." Jay muttered, offering him a smile, "We were all different people, and that's I think what you have to understand. Now I like talking about my friends through things. I'm arguably a life coach. I helped Emma through her shitty divorce, and I help everyone out. Best I can. I aint perfect, Lord knows I'm no saint or prince charming but I make it through, okay? I'm not upset you met a friend."

"I think a lot of my inner shit has to do with my family."

"You're probably right."

"It's just - I don't want Emma to know about this, I tried to hide it from her but I guess nothing gets by you."

"Don't, please just tell her. Secrets suck. Especially when you keep 'em from your best friend, believe me, I know."

He did know. He had kept a secret about Emma and he had been on the receiving end of a kept secret. His own personal karma.

"I trust you, Jay." Sean agreed, "I will, in due time. When I've combated the worse of it. I don't think I'm ready."

"So you will tell her?"

"Of course, I will." Sean groaned, "I just hope she won't treat me any different because of that. Like she would when, when I was going through the shit with Tyler in Wasaga Beach, years ago. As soon as I told her, she was afraid I would get violent with her but that's not the point, that was different because it was fear, fear of my temper. I've always worked on that shit."

"What do you mean? Dude, Emma loves you." Jay sighed, "She's absolutely in love with you, man. When you love somebody secrets stop. Accepted and noted and then dealt with and moved on and it only makes you stronger. The two of you, don't let a secret come between you two. It ruins everything. And nothing is ever the same."

"Ah is this Dr. Phil?"

"Nah, Dr. Jay is more like it."

Sean laughed, "Thanks, for uh - being a good friend."

"If anything, I was always intimidated by you. I always thought I had the street cred, but it was you. You can get through anything, I know it. It's your stubborn that holds you back, or your temper."

"I know my tempers bad, it's something I will never stop improving."

"Cameron, you're cool and I know Emma, and everything is going to be okay with the two of you. She's going to probably do the opposite of what you said."

"The thing is, I believe that. It's just my insecurities about me."

"You have to start believing your a good guy. You've been to jail, doesn't make you a dirty low down criminal, I know what that's about."

"Yeah, I know. That's one time I shouldn't have listened to you."

"I panicked, and I feel guilty about that. We all scattered." Jay groaned, "That was the old me, when I was stupid and selfish with a chip on my shoulder."

"I was behind the wheel, though. He didn't die, just Shane."

"I'm sure Shane, believes in you up there . . with the angels."

"Of course, if there's a heaven."

"Sean, he's probably looking out for you, in spirit." Jay sighed, "He needed you to live. He knew you had motivations that pull you home again. I sound fucking sappy, I hate that about myself. Manny brought that out in me."

"You still love her, man? Because you can't stop talking about her. Thinking about her, don't let her be the one who got away. Work, work hard." Sean replied with conviction, "Yous two are like me and Emma we broke up just to -"

"Make up, uh huh I got it."

"We were ying and yang, very different."

"Don't I know that."

"We weren't so different after all, Jay."

"Why is that, pray tell?"

"Because in the words of Queen, all you need is love!"

"I believe that's The Beatles."

"Whatever! I don't know music, that's Craig's forte." Sean groaned, "It's the principle of it! You have to fight for Manny, she wants you to do that."

"Manny doesn't know what she wants." Jay groaned, unhappily, "I just wish she wanted me, I wish that she'd stay."

"What did you guys say to one another in the room together?" Sean asked curiously.

"What do you want me to say, Manny? You don't need me anymore." Jay shrugged at a loss for words, "You don't need anyone. You have your goals, it's no secret you're doing better than all of us."

She turned her head away shaking her head, tears formulating in her eyes, her heart churning and burning by those words, "Don't need you?" She retorted sarcastically throwing her arms in the hair, "You think this was so easy, Jay."

"Oh no?" He beckoned cooly.

She still wasn't looking at him, turning her back on him like he had done to her upon finding out about Craig's she glided her hands downward as she was touching the posts of Emma's bed walking down the side of Emma's bed, "Of course. I thought wrong, okay? I mean, not okay." She whispered, You know what sucks about it? Craig's wonderful but . . . I don't trust him. I don't think I ever will. It wasn't worth it you see. What you said, it resonated, it touched me and now I have to live with this. Even though, I don't want to."

"I'm so sorry." Jay sighed at a loss of words.

"Don't apologize for me. I ruined us, it's my fault and I know like I know with Craig - one thousand and one apologies for the past, endless apology will never change it. Why did I go back? I don't deserve you. Not once, not ever I deserved that. . don't tell me I didn't. I took you for granted and it wasn't always that way." She shrugged her shoulders, before sobbing while standing. She fell down onto the bed, crumbling herself into Emma's unmade bed to hide.

"I let her go dude, I thought that was what she actually wanted. We said things we probably didn't mean all holiday long." Jay sighed, "It started at Zanz. Before the Alex thing happened."

"Has it ever occurred that maybe Manny is threatened by what you always had with Alex?"

"She knew about my past before we met, Sean. If it were that, which I know it's not."

"Craig, you and I both know, you guys feel accidentally for each other, but when you did, you both did - it lasted a long time, didn't it?"

"Well, of course. A lot of it we spent apart."

"No big picture, Jay."

Jay thought for a moment, "She's she's gone. What can I do now?"

"I'll tell you what you could do, but it seems like you, you're just like me."

"I tell her how I feel?"

"Now that's the stuff." Sean nodded, "I mean it, dude. It might not be your fault, she must feel like you're okay with her leaving and . . that is so not the case."

"What do I say?"

"Everything you told me, pretty much. Whatever you've been thinking about since she's left and shit. Make up for the shitty Christmas Holiday. Sweep her off her feet. Get her something special. And if she says no, at least you tried instead of . . . doing what I used to do best. Sulk around, mope, or run away from it until it bottles up. I hate seeing you this way. You're supposed to be the person to make everyone happy. You're important!"

"I'm doing it!" Jay stood up valiantly, "I am going to buy a plane ticket to LA, I'm going to FIND MANNY, I'm going to tell her everything and it's going to be beautiful!"

"Yeah, man!" Sean high-fived him happily, "Good talk, bro."

"Yeah!" Jay victory danced around his apartment like Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club.

Sean made a discontent face, "Just- uh don't do that!"

"Will you help me?" Jay asked.

"Me?" Sean asked, taken back. "How?"

"Teach me to be more like you. Understanding, compassionate, loving. Wanna know how I quantify love?"

"How?" Sean asked giving up.

"When you rescued Emma and that nerd Tobes. You guys weren't even friends, at least not anymore." Jay sighed, "I never understood it, you know back when it happened. That's when I knew, you Sean were alright."

"Explain . . " Sean asked, not seeing the point.

"You were in love with her then, and you didn't even know it. I couldn't believe it, my best friend saving lives like some modern day superhero! Kickass."

"Yeah, because I've never even told Emma about it. Then it just became irrelevent, so why even?" Sean sighed pursing his lips, "I spent a lot of time in thoughts and I thought about how badly I treated her the year before. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy with her. She helped me succeed and I thanked her pretty shittily if I may add. She loved me and I broke her heart and you know what? I thought that's all I could ever offer a great girl like Emma because I'm such a screw up, woe is me." Sean added, "When the gun was pointed in her direction, I knew she didn't deserve to go down like that. I don't care what she did. I didn't care that she was against Rick and shit - I knew that it had gone way too far and she didn't mean it. That wasn't Emma. She was if anything sympathetic. I knew she was innocent. I knew - because it wasn't my life who flashed before my eyes, alone it was my life with her that flashed and I knew then and there I had to do something or the most influential person in my life would be gone and I'd never even get to speak to her again. O-or tell her how much she ever meant to me. That was was special, that I was so sorry for whatever came between us and that I wouldn't get to hug her, kiss her or even know her. I'd visit a phantom, a grave and I couldn't do that. Not yet. She was so young, she had so much left of life."

"Exactly, I want to romance, Manny. What does she like, something obscure?"

"Well, she loves ice skating. She does it a lot. Helps her with stress."

"And?"

"Running. Why you asking me about your girlfriend?"

"It's the little known things I don't know, but everyone knows and I want to know so that I could find some odd way to . . make her smile again."

"Well, she's also got a penchant for Shakespeare, romantic poetry - - ."

"Of course, she's an actress. What if - I memorized a monologue and I performed it for her?"

"Yeah!" Sean exclaimed his arm up.

"And sang to her?"

"Yeah!" He resounded again applauding this time, "You can sing, dude."

"And propose!"

"If all goes well, then sure, why not?"

"Let's get cracking, then!" Jay jumped at his feet, Sean got up less enthused off the couch, pointing in the air toward the door, "Shoes on Sean, to the library!"

"To the library then." Sean repeated less than happily as he mindlessly put on his shoes, somehow he was roped into Jay's elaborate scheme but he felt a little happier knowing he was bringing joy to others. He put his hands through the sleeves of his bomber coat and a pair of sunglasses and walked out with Jay leading the way.

Jay and Sean weren't library people, Sean hated Shakespeare it was the bain of his existence. He hated when Ms. Kwan would break out the group and make them read. She'd criticize how he'd read the voices, with no emotion. He didn't understand the language, he felt it was too flowy and strange and unnatural it sounded. He would be angry when she'd give him C's for papers he stayed up working for where he'd miss the entire point of the act because he didn't actually read it. It was a first for Sean, and yet as he and Jay montage their way through the romances, the sonnets, the lesser plays, the well-known plays, scoured until they found something that sounded at least the closest to what Jay was looking for.

"What if she knows it?"

"I think you'd want her to get into it, her to reply."

"It is the East and Juliet is the sun." He acted out waving his hands around, mocking an actor as he held the book in his hands.

A librarian glared their way as Jay read aloud pretending to be Ms. Kwan as she used to read Shakespeare in class on occasion and sound so high and mighty with an audience of students in a classroom who wouldn't remember such things years later, or then again they would. Sean rolled his eyes, "I still don't get everyone's stick-on for him."

"I used to think like that." And then Jay glided down the binding of other books in the aisle to discover, another book of poetry called The Book of Love that had love poems, sonnets from all the greats. He opened it up to a page that had a rose pressed inside. It was brittle and falling apart but it meant all the same. In fact, it made him want to read it more. It was by a woman named Elizabeth Barrett Browning. He bounced glares from the librarian and other transfixed in their own things, who looked him snarkly up and down before he started, quieting down, he started:

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints.

I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life;

and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

Rather proud of himself, Jay resounded proudly puffing out his chest, as the librarian actually applauded him, "It's the one, it's got to be the one." She put on her glasses again and subsequently, she put her nose back to the book she was reading and Sean proudly and softly applauded. Perhaps things were going better than expected and supposed Jay never said anything to him. He'd be down in the dumps. Sean sees that things could be worse, with certainty.

Sean always gives more than he takes away from his friends and the people he loves. He was genuinely happy for Jay and he thought of the idea all by his own. He couldn't be more proud and he knew that Jay was going to get the girl of his dreams. Jay beamed proudly as he took the book to the librarian to check it out as Sean followed behind. Sean Cameron still has got it, he can and he will think of good ideas that work. Perhaps, he isn't so hopeless after all.