Chapter 27

When I Was Your Man

"Jay you're so excitable. You just be cool. Be yourself, but more reserved." Sean sighed as they walked back with the book in tow, "I was asked shit like this once by J.T. Sean wanted to know how I score like Sun Dean, I had no idea what he was talking about."

"Ah, the storied J.T. Yorke."Jay beamed solemnly as they strode back to Jay's house but they had been out for several hours and that meant one thing and one thing only, hunger strikes. Sean and Jay could finish a pie between them so they decided to make the most of the day out.

They had talked the whole way to the library. Just two guys, they stopped however at Jay's favorite place for pizza stuffing the library book back in the bag, "What are you in the mood for?"

"Ah, we could split a pie? Go half on it." Sean shrugged, hands in the pocket before retreating to the counter taking and looking at the brochure menu to see what kind of pizza's they had, "Double cheese."

"Accept no alternatives, large double cheese pizza." He said to the woman at the counter. His wallet in hand from his pocket. She nodded taking down the order, "Say, you look sort of familiar. I swear I'm not trying to hit on you, it's just you look like somebody. Hmm."

"$11.00 please." The girl at the desk replied. She was about their age, she kept looking at him mostly, before beaming, "Jay Hogart? And Sean? I'm surprised you don't remember me."

"In the flesh." He said uncomfortably but he had a confused expression on his face. The girl stood a bit shorter than he. Sean looked confusedly at her, he believes he could recognize her too but they both couldn't place her and she too knew exactly who they were. She was pretty. Her hair long flowing and blonde down and not in a ponytail. She had false nails on and a face full of make up but it was done really nicely, natural looking but still make up none the less.

She relented, her hand on one up as she shut the register, " Ugh, don't tell me you don't remember me." She said happily, "It's so cool to see you guys."

Sean and Jay exchanged looks, unfortunately for them they could no longer use the typically long lines as they were the only people eating in at the pizza place and the only people who came in. And then they looked back at her, virtually unrecognizable from high school. She was kind, friendly and drop dead beautiful.

"It's me, Amy. We used to be friends."

Jay narrowed his eyes, and then he widened his gaze, "Amy Peters-Hoffman!"

Sean remembered a lot of things about Amy, but not this about her. Jay remembered her for other things, he practically grew up with her they had been friends because of Alex and now Alex and Amy hadn't spoken for almost ten years or so. She uncomfortably asked, "You really don't remember."

"No, we-I do it's just -" Sean replied, making kind of face, somewhat surprised at it all. Amy wasn't what you would call a strikingly beautiful girl. She would wear heavy make up, but she sucked at applying it, she had acne, she drank so it took a toll on her skin, she also smoked a lot of cigarettes but it looked like she had gotten some work done. Her nose looked different, and the rest was make up magic. Her eyes wide, youthful as if she had been sober for quite some time.

"You look different is all." Sean replied beaming.

"I hope it's a good different." She beamed proudly, "Well, rehab and stuff uh made me improve my life. I don't need to drink to be happy. I've been sober now going on seven years." She answered humbly, "How have you been?"

"I'm good." Jay was weirded out by the blast from the past.

"You single?" Amy asked Jay.

"Hasn't stopped you before." She winked at him in response. Sean glared perturbed at Jay for her saying something like that. It was pretty obvious that Sean didn't know about Jay hooking up with Amy along with Emma, and then he realized that was how Emma even contracted gonorrhea, she passed it to Jay and then from Jay to Emma. Sean was fortunate that he always wore protection with Amy. It wasn't like they lasted long anyway, she ended up dumping him for an older guy.

"I was different then." She rolled her eyes trying to deject from her past, adding, "It doesn't matter, anyway. How would you know, considering you went off to Wasaga and then you stop talking to me. Are you still close with Lex or not since Alex dumped your ass?"

"Yeah." He answered shrugging, "It's a long story, kind of. I started dating someone new, that imploded and then I dated Manny Santos. Alex was off the rails for a while, you know I wish yous two would reconnect."

"I personally, would love that. Seriously." Amy said honestly leaning against the counter, "I miss her, and I feel terrible about how our friendship ended." Amy answered heartfelt. She gave Jay and Sean back their change, "I'll give you your pizza, you're eating in right?"

"Yes." Jay answered taking the change and stuffing it in his wallet, "You'll bring it to us?"

"Why of course, it's my job." Amy answered awkwardly gesturing to where they were.

Jay hit himself on the side of the head playfully, "Silly me."

"See you around." She shrugged in a flirtatious manner returning to her work putting the order in and waiting around for the next guest. She wasn't really overtly how she was when they were all friends and Candy Bandits back in the day. For awhile it was Amy, Alex, Jay and Towerz until Sean came along and Sean and Amy started hooking up and Jay, Alex, Amy and Sean would do double dates until he and Amy broke up and he began dating Ellie and then she'd do whatever away from them until she got control of her life and sobered up and started getting a life. She still wants a guy and she acts pretty desperate, she's not above it in fact that's what she'd say if someone asked her advice. Guys usually hate it.

Sean really didn't care much for Amy, he dated her but because she was pretty easy, Jay could easily say when he would get with Amy he wouldn't be sober. The guys quickly changed the subject but Jay was concerned about how if it would be a good idea for Alex and Amy to reunite again. Jay knows that it will take a long time for Alex to forgive, even if she's over it. The principle was that Amy betrayed her and it was more than just losing control or Jay in general she could no longer trust the two people she thought she could depend on the most and when that happened she found it hard to let people in. It isn't the same between Jay and Alex even now. Jay still is upset over it, despite everything he loves Alex just not in a romantic way. Alex is the same, from a distance is fine while living together they do enjoy that time but it's just different in terms of the dynamic. Jay and Alex were affectionate together and now Alex shutters when he touches her. It makes her uncomfortable and by making her uncomfortable he therefore is too. Sean leaned his arm and body against the booth in the restaurant. And he sighed, "Damn, I forgot to order a drink."

"Distracted, much?"

"Nah, you were doing all the talking." He groaned.

"I'll order then, if you don't want to talk to her." Jay said in a tone, "Sometimes you just ugh."

Sean cracked up and made a face, "Coke please."

Jay went up into the front again and was reunited with Amy and she smiled, "Hello?"

"Add two cokes too our order." Jay said a bit distracted by the back display with all the sodas and types of drinks they sold. Before affirming his answer, "Yep, coke." It was awkward to say the least. He nor Sean had thought of Amy in years, shame to say they totally forgot all about her. She's not someone to really remember but I'm sure it would offend someone to know how little they matter in the grand scheme of things. Their lives went on after Amy kept to herself. She still graduated, went to college, got a job and a day job to pay the bills and loans. She mostly got herself up and out to college she busted her tush and it paid off and now she works part of her time at the pizza place and part of her time in a photo studio. It's not the ideal but she's financially afloat. She was friendly and probably talented, but they wouldn't know. She was down to earth like the group but Amy just caused so much trouble and turbulence by being around that it was a good thing she wasn't around. Jay gave her the money and walked back to the table with the two large cokes from up front, he turned around and hesitated before saying, "If it's worth anything, I'm sorry how things played out."

"Look, water under the bridge, I don't want to remember the past." She shook her head, "it's silly to dwell on what had already happened. Tommorrow and today are new."

"Aint that the truth, but yeah, do we get the pizza or -"

"I said it before, I bring your pizza to you and I cut it and add some cheese if you like or give you the shaker to go to town with, relax you're the guests." Amy sighed, "be a good sport alright? Don't make this out to be anything other than what it is, people who hadn't seen each other in a long time. I know I'm not special like uh Nelson was."

"What?"

"Like you don't know." She scoffed, "Everyone knew you wish you had Cameron's girl."

"You couldn't be more wrong. Sean is my best friend and Emma's . . "

"The one who got away. I'm not blind you know. I knew you were hooking up with her too. When you were hooking up with me, she probably got diseased before she quit it. I never saw her back after that. In fact I don't think I saw her but everyone else did and people recognize her and shit."

"And your point? I can't do shit about that and besides that was then. key word, I used to give a rats ass about having something real with her but then I met Manny and I realized I was running into a waterfall. Besides, you know if that's how you feel than fine, just uh don't be a stranger. I could give you Alex's number. You could start something, communication with her."

"That would be awesome." Jay found a menu and took the pen from her ear causing her heart to beat at a faster pace, his close proximity in a public place she never felt so strongly attracted to him before, it was more than a hook up to her. She had always had close feelings for Jay. "Let me guess though, Sean's with Emma."

"Well yeah."

"They're that couple." Amy remarked.

"Yeah they are, and they're staying that way."

"No need to get so touchy." She snickered before checking the stove, but when she turned around he was gone, she heard him echo through the room in the other room talking to Sean.

Sean sighed, taking one of the soda's from Jay, "About time. I am seriously thirsty."

Jay took his coke and took a sip thinking hard, before speaking, "Amy said some shit that pissed me off when I got the soda."

"Well, was she right?" Sean asked, "I mean not for nothing but you used to be somewhat of a jerk back in the day."

"Don't I know that?" He asked rolling his eyes.

"Well it wouldn't trouble you if it was something that was somewhat true? What did she say?"

"You don't wanna know." Jay groaned, shaking his head, "It's just things that are in the past and the past is where they remain.

"So back to me teaching you, be yourself but also don't be too much of yourself either. You have to just be kind when you need to be, dependable and flexible but not too flexible or the girl would think, why do you jump when I ask to hang, am I right?"

"I get you."

"So just be cool. Be bold and confident but also be vulnerable too. You understanding me?"

"Yeah, so if she says, fuck the poem. You drop that poem and you listen to her."

"Yeah. You're right, but I hope she doesn't completely shut me down."

"She won't you know why, Jay?" Sean asked, "Because there's a lot of me that makes me believe, she misses you too. If you drop in and surprise her that would be the ultimate for Manny. She always visits you and you come when you can but it's not enough. She probably felt like she spent less and less time with you and wanted to feel a little important or whatever. She was feeling like maybe - you never know. You guys have to talk it out." He gave him a look, "You know exactly what I mean, so think positive and everything will work out."

Amy came with the pizza and set it up, she didn't say a word to them she simply conveyed more in a look. Sean and Jay dug into the pizza and Sean delved in more about how Jay should do everything but go on the plane and talk to Manny. It was Jay's job and Sean was just helping him be the best man he could be. Both guys thanked her and as Sean put his pizza on the plate he confessed, "Whenever I get married, you Jay will be my best man. I won't have a coward. I'm betting on you to do this, alright?"

Jay folded up his pizza neatly, rolling his eyes, "What if I fuck up, no pressure or nothing?"

"Going is half the battle." Sean said before taking a bite of his pizza.

. . .

Emma was cleaning up her apartment with Craig, they were updating one another on their lives and such while Sean and Jay went out and such. Craig went home but came back with coffee and bagels and conversation which was nice. Emma doesn't know about Jay and Sean's elaborate plan to have Jay come out to LA and talk to Manny but Emma was trying her best to cheer up Craig over the note.

"I just still don't know what to make of the note. Was she seriously breaking up with me for ever?"

"I-I really don't know how to take the note myself." Emma shook her head, "To be honest I really can't say I have as much of a hold on Manny or what she's thinking in quite some time. A lots changed since college and things."

"I know." He sighed, "She's not her usual self. Did something happen out there that we don't know about?"

"I doubt it, I just think she feels distant about everything and everyone and stuff. Like Jay was here, and I'm here maybe she was a little lonely and when she met you she thought that would fix all her problems and it's no secret you guys had this romance that was just like you and her could never quite get it together and when you were together it was great and beautiful and fine but you spent a lot of time apart and you guys got together after that and it fucked it up. Perhaps, maybe she felt like it would be the same old story with Jay so she wanted to break it off and you'd have your chance you guys both wanted and . . . here we are."

Craig was silent as he tore off a piece of his bagel from the kitchen island, "It wouldn't put it past me. As much as I love that girl, I wish I knew what her motivations were. She doesn't even seem to genuinely love what she does and have any inner confidence in herself anymore. I have no idea how to feel."

"Manny cares a lot about every little thing."

"Don't I know, she works hard at what she does. She's a perfectionist."

"I wish I knew why. Now I think it's time I myself go back to LA and work. Just get back into my stuff and record. I've already been getting calls from producers and the label people wanting me to put something out, make announcements, photo shoots and interviews."

"How do you do it?" Emma asked with concern.

"Do what?"

"Just - go back." Emma asked, "I mean, I've seen people take breaks between things."

"Life goes on. It's a show." He muttered, "It goes all over the place."

"I know." Emma rolled her eyes, "It does and things happen and sometimes they're beautiful and other times - they're less than beautiful."

"I love music, music is arguably my job and the only thing I do right apparently. I can write about the romances I'd love to have and will never really get. Manny's just another person I had in my life and I disappointed and let her down time and again. For what? It's just the way I am, I'm a failure in romance. I don't understand girls. They act like they want all the same things as you do, and they do but they want things different." Craig went on, "And I can't read them, or Manny are they serious or are they taking me for a ride? I'm tired of people acting as if they'd fallen for me, is it me? Is it my status? Is it the things I do? Did I hold on too tightly? I wish we would talk like mature adults about this. She broke my heart and I loved her so much and I never knew what variety of me she wanted? Did she need me to lean on while she sorted out her shit? Did she need me but not in the way I needed her? She said all the right things. I thought it was real. I can still smell her, was it a dream?"

"Have you been writing?"

"All the time. Whenever she wasn't around but even sometimes when she'd be sitting up in the bed or whatever, doing her make up or whatever. Sometimes I'd fiddle around with a chord or two with her and she liked that, got a kick out of that." Craig muttered taking another piece of bagel, "I don't regret this even if it tears me up."

"I think it has more with the past that she can't let go of with you, it's too painful it reminds her of things she left behind here and loose ends and Maude."

He looked up to his right, and remembered it instantly, "I think about Maude a lot. What would never be, what could've been. We could've been -"

"Parents, I know. He or whatever she - would've been around ten or so now. Has it occurred or-?"

"We're adults now." Craig wrung his head back, "Why is it the shit I did when I was young and dumb the shit that determines why such shitty shit happens to me? I mean I made one mistake, and it was a mistake because I didn't want it to ever play out the way it did. Did I ever tell you what happened?"

"No." Emma answered sipping her coffee.

"Well, here goes." He replied beginning the story, "So Paige had a party at Ashley's, it was a surprise and all. Everyone from school was there pretty much, everyone who was in that group of friends, spirit squad and Manny was there and all."

"I wasn't there. I heard about it."

"Anyway, Spinner made some sort of gesture that caused Ashley and I to have some major blow out. She was saying that I didn't love her and that wasn't true I did - at least I thought I did. I had written her this song on my guitar about how she shines and she did - Ashley was a beautiful girl and we're still friends to this day and things are all water under the bridge now but you see, I was afraid of the word, love." Craig sighed, "I thought once I say it I could never feel it again with anybody else. I couldn't love someone differently than I love someone else. I didn't know how to quantify it, put it into words and the song wasn't enough for her. I quickly realized it was her selfishness and how she never truly forgave me when she said she would. I mean I didn't expect her to in retrospect though I expected her to because I wanted that. I wanted to take it to another level with her and she wasn't ready for that I'm sure so she used my feelings against me and hurt me worse. I thought it was over after that. I left and went home and as I'm leaving I hear Manny follow me outside.

"Craig hey!" She called out from Ashley's party not even paying attention, in those clunky heels of hers, it made it impossible for me to ignore her. I couldn't look at her because I was hurt. I was wounded I just remember her being so intent on making me happy. She cared so much about my happiness, Emma. She did. I almost pushed her away. I knew I didn't deserve somebody like her. Someone so intent and special and kind. I took it away from her because that nurture was replaced with insecurity and instability in her own motivations. I feel terrible. Craig teared up as he continued. She was wearing this magenta top and she had basically heard that song that I sang in the gym. "What happened?" It took a lot for me to even look at her. I was just so fumed up rejected and everything I didn't even see what was in front of me.

"I messed up." I finally confessed that you know shit was my fault and that I screwed it up with Ashley and even though my reasoning were selfish as all hell, she still didn't think any of it was my fault, I just was on a roll, going on and on about somebody else, "Again and again and again - "

"I'm sure you didn't."

She didn't know the power she had over me in her smile. She just pulled me in like she made me want to smile too, I wanted to be the reason she smiled. I was afraid of Ashley, bitter truth was that girl had me constantly like if she wanted me to jump I would ask her how high and then I got fed up with always doing what she wanted me to do. Unfortunately, Manny here she is. She was so persistent to get my attention. I don't know why. Like what did she have to prove? I still thought she was a wonderful person but she made me want to be the man for her. She was dating some dweeb in our grade and I knew she was deserving of better but, I wasn't really better. I was dumb.

"Tell Ashley that."

"You know that song you sang today?" She asked smiling at me, you know dimples and all, so concerned so sweet so kind so inherently good. Even at my worst, she managed to still want me to feel my best. Craig sniffled trying hard not to cry.

"You heard that?"

"It was amazing." She said, and I knew she was being serious, she was the first person who actually appreciated me for my music and it felt truthful and it was what I would've loved to hear from Ashley but she didn't say anything she just smiled and gave me a hug and invited me over her place and all. But Manny, she - she told me. I never told her about it. In retrospect, even I didn't know the impact of what she said to me. I dissect these moments, I live for those moments. If no one ever paid me a compliment I probably wouldn't be writing now. "And if it was for me, I'd be happy for months - forever."

I didn't mean it to go as far as it did, but she never . . stopped me. I kept asking her. Part of me felt wrong, like I pushed her but I don't know how. She wanted to hear me play it for her, I got like three lines in and I couldn't play it. Not when she was watching. A-and It was my first time and - I couldn't have asked for a better person. I wished that things were different then. I wished that Ashley wasn't in the picture. I wanted to talk to Manny that Monday and then Ash blindsided me and the look on her face. Manny's face, I- I-I it was that moment. She was never the same again and I wish I put that Manny who was so nice to me when I first moved here in a bottle, and not the Manny that I screwed over time and again. Maybe she was better off, maybe she's better off. You know? Without me."

"Craig . . . that was ten years ago. You are different people now." Emma relented, "I mean - sometimes but you can't always get what you want."

"But if you try sometimes -"

"You get what you need, yeah I got it. Maybe Manny isn't the one, you just have to keep your eyes and your heart open to that. Regardless of if you get hurt or not. You have to take the risk. And it's a risk and sometimes it's a longshot but when it happens, it's beautiful and I promise you - when you find it you know."

"Like you and Sean?"

"Yes, exactly." Emma looked away smiling, "There were bleak times I thought we'd never get to this place. Here we are and I still can't believe it but I kept my heart and eyes open and now it's ours. He's the person I always knew he would be and I'm me just older and I don't take things so seriously. We were all different kind of people. Even you, it's called growing up."

"So I guess that's growing up, huh?" Craig thought bitterly, "Thanks for talking to me, Emma. I appreciate you. You're good people. I mean that, wholeheartedly."

"So are you, Craig. I always knew you were." Emma pat him on the shoulder wrapping his arm around him and hugging him close to her, "Your family no matter what happens to Manny and you down the road. You'll always be family to me. No matter how far away."

"Thank-you, Emma." Craig whispered quietly as they turned around and gave one another a real hug, "I guess I just needed that."

She pulled away, "I'm good for that, free hugs."

"Don't be so modest, you're full of wisdom and good vibes."

"I suppose so. So I guess this means you're going home."

"Yeah. I've got a lot to do and sort out. You best be buying a copy, Emma."

"I always do."

"Thanks a lot. For everything." Craig said as he pulled on his black jacket over his shirt and grabbed his guitar case, waving to her before walking out of her apartment. As Craig walked out he saw her mail and walked back in to give her the most recent issue of OK!Magazine with Manny donning shorter hair on the cover, it looked as if it was taken outside of her home when she went to get her mail or whatever else, "What is this?"

In big red letters it read - COVER STORY MANNY SANTOS AFFAIR WITH A LOS ANGELES CAB DRIVER (Age 45), READ MORE INSIDE!

"What the actual fuck?" Emma asked out loud looking up at Craig with wide-eyes. Craig didn't even look at the cover, but he quickly raced to see what exactly happened.

Craig couldn't even form words, he looked at Emma and then back at the cover, "This can't be true. Her hair really that short now?"

Emma nudged Craig, "There's an article about it in here."

"I don't believe this." Craig shook his head.

"Neither do I." Emma replied concerned with how Manny is taking this or if she even knows about it.