It's Lunch time.
I head out with the rest of the class to the Cafeteria, intending to return with my tray and eat it in the classroom.
Like I have been doing for the past month.
But someone changes that routine.
"Todoroki-kun, can I talk to you?" Hanada-chan asks.
"Sure," I reply, confused.
We hang back and wait until the hallway is empty except for the two of us. Even then, both of us are quiet for a long time. I don't know why we're behaving like this. What is it that Hanada-chan wants to tell me? Is it so serious? And why is she calling me Todoroki-kun again? But who am I to complain when I'm using honorifics with her, too? I'm curious, but I remain silent. She wanted to talk to me, she has to initiate the conversation.
Instead, she dilly-dallies. She strolls to one side of the hallway and leans against the glass wall. I find myself doing the same on my side, crossing my arms across my chest. We face each other like this. As I wait for her to speak, I take her in. She's different today. There are no flowers in her hair today. Rather, her hair is adorned with a crown of autumn leaves and frosted, red winter berries. With reds, oranges, yellows, pinks, and a hint of white, it looks like a diadem of fire. As vibrant as the flames of hell. Or the feathers of a phoenix. I glance at her silver dragon cane, which is juxtaposed with the fiery colors. Perhaps as intense as a dragon's scales.
All those colors remind me of her words and bouquet from yesterday. She had compared me to a morning glory reaching toward the rays of sunlight during dawn. While I appreciated the analogy, I just didn't feel a connection to it. My favorite time of the day is when the sun is out, and I think that sunrises and sunsets are one of the most beautiful views of nature, but at that moment I felt like the furthest thing from sunshine. I was a blossom of the dark: all alone in oppressive darkness, desperate for a sliver of angelic moonlight. And I found it: my moon, my moonlight. Her. Selene. With her, I was a completely different person: more open, more expressive, more peaceful. I could let down some of my walls around her, so I had promised myself to never let go of that light. Of course, reality had to shatter such a naive dream.
I snap out of my reverie and focus on Hanada-chan again. The ethereal effect is ruined when she wrings her hands. Her telltale sign of agitation. The last time she did that, our friendship ended. I brace myself for what this omen will bring.
"I want to apologize for everything I did to you."
She had said sorry when she suggested that we should no longer be friends.
"Apologize for what, exactly?" I say with unhidden suspicion.
"For thinking that we should have separated. For hurting you with my words. For making you hate me, and for every negative emotion I made you feel because of my actions. Most of all, for breaking the most important rule of friendship: to keep it."
I'm shocked. An apology was the last thing I was anticipating. But that doesn't lessen my suspicion. "You did a lot more than that. I'm still hurting now."
She swallows. "I know. It's all my fault. And I have to make up for it. Todoroki-kun, you once said that you wanted to atone for your mistakes. I'm returning the favor. I wish to atone for my mistakes to you. If you are willing to, I would like to resume our friendship."
The dangerous dreams I kept prisoner break their shackles and escape.
Yes. Yes. Yes. The word repeats itself like a litany in my head.
"Why? Why are you saying this now?" is what comes out of my mouth.
"I learned my lesson. During this one month of separation, I was unhappy. I thought ending things would be the best for both you and me, but I was wrong. Rather, it made things worse. I noticed it for a while, but our conversation yesterday made me unable to ignore it. I'm saying this now because I want to amend those things. Forcefully making myself miserable is foolish, and inflicting pain on you is just stupidity."
The elation is immediately substituted with wrath. I'm inexplicably furious. I need more than that to be convinced. "So why did you even suggest such a thing? Why did you say that we should no longer be friends? You knew I had tenuous relationships at home. Did one relapse mean enough to break a connection this beautiful? This meaningful?" My voice is dangerously low.
She clenches her hands so tightly as if to stop all blood flow to her fingertips. That irritates me even more. "No. It did not. And I was reckless to do that. I was afraid that I might have another relapse in the future, and you would have to watch and suffer, unable to do anything. I didn't want you to have to face that, but I regret my solution. However, regret is not enough to forgive what I did. It's inevitable that I will have more traumatic regressions in the future. That doesn't mean I should make you break all connections with me. I should have asked you for your opinion, instead of just declaring mine and calling it final."
"Yeah. You should have. You were failing to make your argument, but that last point pierced me like an arrow. Did I not hate you? That's what you asked. Do you know how hopeless I felt when I watched you go through that? How ashamed I was of myself for doing that to you? I felt like my father. MY FATHER!" I'm practically shouting, and I can't stop. "Accidentally or not, I made you relive something horrific. That's what Endeavor did to me. Every day was torture with him. I detested that I was put in that position when I hurt you. I was so disappointed in myself, so I wanted to do right by you. To be there for you when you had another relapse. To earn your trust so that one day you would feel comfortable and safe to tell me what happened to you to cause this. And then you asked that question." The last words are so thick with emotion, I have to choke them out. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes.
Her own eyes are glistening with tears, too, but thank God she has the decency to not let them pour. She has no right to, not after what she did. "And I'm ashamed of that. So very ashamed."
"So you want to make it up by becoming friends again? Do you really think it's that simple?"
She takes a deep breath. "No, it's not. That is why I leave my fate in your hands. Fine. Make me your villain. Give me any punishment you deem fit. I will follow it through."
Now I'm vexed beyond measure. I storm toward her and slam a hand against the wall, pinning her there. She stares at me, eyes wide with fear. "Were you not listening to me?" I whisper harshly. "I'm not going to punish you. One month of unhappiness was enough of a punishment."
"But you won't accept my apology, either. So, how do I atone for my sins? How do I make all of this up to you? What other way is there besides punishment?" she whispers nervously.
I raise my other hand and place it against the wall, blocking every exit. "Is this the only way you'll understand? Fine. If it's a punishment you want, I'll give you one. I won't forgive you so easily. We won't become friends again so easily. You'll have to prove to me that you're worthy of my forgiveness and friendship. How you plan to accomplish that is your problem. Remember that lapis lazuli pendant? I'm going to observe all your words and actions, I'll give it to you once I believe that you've redeemed yourself. Is that enough of a punishment for you?"
She gulps audibly before nodding. "In that case, may I call you Todoroki-kun again?"
"You've been calling me that since yesterday," I point out.
"Oh," she says dejectedly. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I should have asked."
"What's with that look? It's as good as a start. You can call me Todoroki-kun." I take a deep breath. Slowly, I ask, "And just to make things fair, can I call you Hanada-chan again?"
"You may."
I step back and let her go.
She's made so many ridiculous requests just now, I wouldn't be surprised if she asks me to join her for lunch by the koi fish pools.
But she doesn't.
That surprises me.
She bows, giving her goodbye, and turns.
"Wait!" I call out.
She looks back, confused. "Yes?"
"Why the leaves and berries? Is there anything special today?"
She hesitates for a long moment before answering.
"It's my birthday today. Nothing special."
Citations:
"'Fine,' ... 'Make me your villain.'" - Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo