Are emotions always this complicated, or is it because I try to detach myself from them that they feel complicated?
I mean, with my father, it's simple: I feel angry whenever I see his face.
With my siblings, I feel cared for.
With outsiders, I feel nothing.
But with Hanada-chan, I don't know what I feel.
There are six basic emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, anger, surprise. I would include a paradoxical seventh: apathy. These are emotions I understand separately and only tend to feel separately. But right now, as my thoughts storm around Hanada-chan, I feel all these emotions coiling and twisting: some directed at myself, some directed at her, all of them at what I'm about to do. These do not feel like a step-by-step math problem or a sequential, well-planned scheme.
And I hate it.
But I'm not going to back down. I spent all of last night preparing for this.
As usual, when I enter the classroom, Hanada-chan is already there. It seemed ages ago, but here she is sleeping just before class starts. The sense of déjà vu hits again when I observe her posture: head propped up by her arms, arms resting on her latest novel, closed eyes, and silent but even breathing. Woven in her currently dark hair are white tulips. Even a black curl from her chignon is out of place! But I physically hold back my hand to prevent it from reaching out. If she lets me. Only if she lets me, I will touch her.
All the while, I'm still staring at her, summoning the guts to do what I intended to do. This is also unlike my typical, confident, unabashed self. It must be the tempest of emotions, I reason. By chance, I glance at the clock. Only ten minutes before the bell rings!
It's now or never, Shouto.
I call out to her. "Hanada-chan. Hanada-chan, wake up. There are only a few minutes before the bell rings, and if Aizawa-sensei catches you nodding off, there's no telling what punishment he will dole out. Extra homework? Another five laps in the training field? Maybe paying for his morning coffee for the next three months? Not that coffee helps him to be any more awake."
She rouses and groans. "Mmm? What's that about coffee? I'd like some coffee ... with milk ... and honey ... Lots of milk." Cute ... She rubs her bleary eyes and puts her glasses on. Finally, she's awake enough because her eyes widen, and she exclaims, "YOU'RE ALIVE! Good morning! I'm alive! It's nice to see you. Alive that is. Ah! Please ignore that! I'm rambling. I'm sorry!"
I chuckle. "Yes, I'm very much alive. Is this signature of you to comment on someone's mortality status as the first thing you do when you wake up? I know I'm socially awkward, but even I don't embarrass myself to that level."
She averts her gaze and blushes. "I meant no offense. I was just-"
"Startled," I finish for her. "I know."
That blush fades, making her somber. That was not my intention. Great job, Shouto.
To lighten the situation, I reach into my backpack and pull out my wrapped present for her. "Yesterday, you said it was your birthday. From the way you didn't reveal that fact until I asked you and how you said it was nothing important, I figured you didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But, I wanted to give you a birthday present anyway.
"The thing is, I overreacted yesterday. I should have kept my anger in check and not released it like that on you. I scared you when I trapped you between me and the wall, and that wasn't right of me. Normally, I'm not like this, but that doesn't excuse my behavior. So I want you to have this. If you don't accept it as a gift, then I ask that you accept it as my apology."
Hesitantly, Hanada-chan reaches for the gift. Her gaze alternates between me and the gift as if she's waiting for me to pull back. When I don't, she grasps it fully and withdraws it from my hands slowly. "Thank you, Todoroki-kun. But I deserved all of that. Your anger was justified."
"But I invaded your personal space and made you cower. That wasn't right. I said that you would have to redeem yourself so that I could call you my friend again. But I have to do the same. This can't be a one-sided thing," I counter.
She sighs in defeat and acceptance. "Okay. I accept this gift as your congratulations on my birthday and your apology."
I smile softly. "What kind of friend-undergoing-redemption would I be if I forgot the birthday of my fellow friend-undergoing-redemption?"
She returns the smile just as softly. "Touché. In that case, may I ask when your birthday is?"
"January 11."
She nods. "I'll remember that."
"So how old are you now? 15? Or 16?"
"15."
Moments pass. Neither of us says a word. A strange silence grows between us. Hanada-chan breaks it. "Once again, thank you for the present. Had I known that you would give me something, I would have given a return gift." She proceeds to open her bag to put the still-wrapped present inside.
"Wait!" She stops and looks up at me at my outburst. "Won't you open it now?"
"Would you like for me to open it now?"
"Yes."
She sets the present on her desk and pulls out a pair of scissors from her bag. She cuts the tape on the sides and neatly unwraps the wrapping paper. It's a simple black-and-white chessboard pattern paper. Once she unwraps the entire thing, she gasps. Her eyes widen in astonishment as she stares at the gift.
The gift being the three mangas of The Infernal Devices I had packed into a cardboard box and wrapped. She reaches a gloved hand out to touch them, but at the last second, curls them back. She tries again and retreats. "They're not illusions. You can touch them," I coerce her. Finally, she touches the books and rests her palm against them.
"This ... this is ... I never knew ... How did you ...? When ...?" she breathes, unable to form coherent sentences in her shock.
"That day, when we were talking about Shadowhunters and Downworlders, I remembered seeing a manga version of the books in the local bookstore. I was curious, and I wanted to know why you liked the series so much, so I bought them. Now, I can see why you were so passionate about them. I enjoyed it. And after I got to know about your birthday, I wanted to give you something meaningful. Something you would cherish. And I know you cherish books like they are your treasure," I explain as I rub the back of my neck, hopefully answering all her questions.
Her eyes are brimming with unconcealed emotions. They pour forth as tears. At the sight, I worry. "Do you not like the gift?" I ask.
"No! No. I don't know why I'm crying. It's just ... Th-th-thank y-you. It really does mean a lot to me," she stammers.
I beckon to the mangas. "Open them. I made annotations."
She does and lets out another gasp at all the sticky notes and comments I left in the margins. She runs her fingers gently over the words. "Now I feel awful for not getting you a return present," she laughs sadly.
"Actually you can. You can give one to me right now," I tease.
Her head snaps toward me. "I can? What would you like? I'll give you anything. Would you-"
I cut her off. "Can I tuck your hair back?"
That catches her off guard. Her expression. She looks so perplexed, it's endearing. Her hand consciously reaches up to touch that loose tendril of hair. "My hair? Alright. I suppose you may." She turns her entire body in my direction, but stares hard at the ground, fingers tightening around each other in her lap. I slant over and push the black tendril behind her ear. Her hair is soft, I realize belatedly. But I don't lean back once I'm done.
With my hand still beside her ear, I whisper, "Can I take a flower, too?" She gulps audibly before nodding once. Gently, I extricate a tulip from her elaborately done hair. But when I tilt back, her agitation hasn't lessened. Save for the occasional sniffle, Hanada-chan's still crying silently. Somewhere, somehow, I know that her persisting nervousness isn't due to my physical proximity. It's something else. And I think I know what that something else is.
"Hanada-chan, look at me," I urge her. She doesn't, so I approach her again and cover her hands with my own. As I rub my thumbs against her gloves, I continue. "Please. I need to know you're listening. That you're taking in every word I am about to say." Eventually, she does. Very slowly, she raises her silver eyes to meet my multicolored ones. "I did not agree to give you another chance just because it was your birthday. In all honesty, I'm glad that you didn't use that detail to persuade me. It's a common emotional manipulation tactic, and it's low. Instead, I agreed because you were willing to try to correct your mistakes. So Hanada-chan, please don't think I'm doing this because I pity you, or I felt that I had to accept your wishes because it was your birthday. You made a good apology, and I wanted to see you follow it through.
"Tell me you understand." I implore. She nods once. "No, I want you to say it. I need to know that you comprehended."
"I-I understand. You did this of your own will and conscience," she murmurs.
"Good."
I let her go and shift back.
She furiously wipes her tears away.+
Just as everyone else starts coming in, I whisper, "Happy birthday, Hanada-chan."
"Thank you, Todoroki-kun," she whispers back.