Chapter 45

To Tell the Truth

Alex sadly looked from the balcony smoking a cigarette in tears; she was sober by now and completely mortified at herself for going that far. Paige would likely never forgive her she heard footsteps and she nearly put her cigarette out but then she heard and she wouldn't blame her. She just wanted to be alone, but at the same time she hated being alone because then she'd have to face the facts. She then heard a voice call out, "I've been looking everywhere for you." She was breathing heavy from running around frantic, It was Paige and she didn't sound angry she sounded worried.

This is what she also feared.

Alex sniffled not facing her, "I screwed up."

"Pretty spectacularly." Even now, she had a sense of humor.

Alex whipped her head around to face her, "I'm sure you'll want your dress back."

"Keep it." Paige told her warmly, before Paige sighed, "Alex I'm not angry." She sighed shaking her head, "I'm actually quite jealous. You're all they're talking back there about."

"You should be angry. I embarrassed you at your event, I apparently kissed somebody else, I drank too much and I've been so good lately but then I come here and I didn't feel like you know . . . I belonged. And I can't go back out there, you're doing a shitty job at making me feel better."

"Want to know a secret, Alex? Nobody belongs there. Some people just fake it 'till they make it and not everyone is as successful as they think they are. My career is built on kissing ass and if you think the stunt you pulled was something you should see them now, the next headline is just waiting to happen in minutes. Let's be real for a second though, maybe I shouldn't be the one to prop you up. I don't want you to crumble."

"Why are you being nice to me?"

"Because Alex, you need it. I don't think the world has ever been nice to you over the past couple of years and besides Jay told me some things."

"That I danced right, that I did drugs? It's all true, Paige I'm all screwed up."

"I don't care about what you did before, what about dancing anyway hun I want to help you."

"How can you help?"

"Have you thought about the long term?" Paige wasn't sure how she could help, she knew she couldn't do it on her own but she asked, "Have you thought about the next time you plummet or the next time an event happens how you're going to feel like this and relapse? I know you're strong, girl but addiction is stronger and you need support. Have you thought of going to rehab?"

Alex sighed not wanting to agree but Paige was right. Alex was never a fan of asking for help. Of course she deflected some of that off of herself and disagreed too. "Are you serious?" Alex managed a laugh shaking her head, "I'm not a socialite I'm not Lindsay Lohan I'm your friend, girlfriend Alex."

"I know that." Paige sighed shaking her head, "but rehab isn't just where Lindsay goes when she burns out. You go there's groups, there's like therapy, there's people who are dealing with the same things or worse than you." Paige teared up and looked down, "the side of you I saw tonight I didn't know it was this bad and I'd only suggest it if I thought it'd help. Right now, I feel like you ought to give it a shot it can change your life. Answer me this, are you happy? Are you honestly you know, happy?"

Alex thought for a moment, while she loved her friends she herself felt absolutely useless. She has no job no prospects she felt like she did in college house but worse. She shook her head no, "I wish that I was."

"You can change your life."

Alex stepped toward Paige and took her hands in hers, "I don't feel like I deserve you because I'm so far behind in life."

"Want to know a secret? I don't even have everything together and I'm almost thirty."

"Please Paige look at you. Look where we are. I don't belong in your world."

"Maybe you don't but let us be the judge of that. This isn't my world, the world belongs to you too Alex. I love you so much, not just because you were my first real love of the same sex but because I don't know why but you managed to find your way into my heart and that's where you'll stay because you know what? I want you there. Remember all of those years ago we were happy once before and I screwed it up."

"We're not in college anymore, this is real life ""

"It was real life then too. I'm not as perfect as I seem."

"Look at you, look at me. . . we couldn't be more different."

"I can't let go of when I used to be on top of the world in high school. So much so that every time I come to town I'd contemplate seeing you but guess who I would seduce instead?"

"Why are you telling me this?"

"You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because his best years were my best years, because he gets me and because it's easy to pretend."

They paused as Alex thought for a moment, "Jay can't walk on egg shells his entire life on a account of me."

"Yeah, that's true."

"It's selfish that I'm too scared to. . I'm so scared, Paige to get help."

"I'll be with you the entire time, I promise. Not physically there but you can call me I will do my very best to get my ass to where you are to make sure you're okay."

"You do owe me at least a dance." Alex beamed, and then came back to reality for a moment. "I do think it's best I'd go too I mean something's gotta change right?"

Paige pulled Alex into a hug and they stood there in an embrace for a few moments, their eyes were closed and even though it wasn't guaranteed they'd have a future or despite not knowing what would happen they took a brave step that night.