"I love you."
Ron frowned, as he looked in the mirror.
"No, no, that's not good enough."
He scowled and tried again.
"I….really love you."
He grinned and his freckled face grinned back at him. He adjusted his bow tie, his poke-a-dotted bow tie, and turned back to face the Gryffindor common room. It was crowded with people, and they were all looking at him. And laughing.
"What? Do I have something on my nose?"
Harry elbowed his way through the crowed, bowling people this way and that with his titanic shoulders.
"No, it's just your nose, that's what's so funny."
"Won't Hermione like it?"
Harry reached forward and removed the red clowns nose and squished it under his boot.
"No. Carnival season ended in Grade 3, Ron. Try the twinkle flower costume next time. Extra perfume."
Ron spat his chewing tobacco in Harry's face and stomped out of the room.
"This school ain't big enough for the both us, bub."
He growled, but no one heard him.
He found Hermione in the library, sitting under one of the tables; her Afro lifting the table three inches off of the floor, reading a book.
"Nice Afro."
"Um, Ron. That's Snape you're talking to."
"Oh, sorry. Nice Afro…Snape."
Snape spat his chewing tobacco in Ron's face and turned the page. Ron turned around to see Hermione standing behind him.
"Nice clown costume Ron, is the moustache real?"
"No, I shaved off Harry's eyebrows when he wasn't looking. Like it?"
Hermione did not answer, but kissed him instead, a large wet one.
"Unless you are about to grow gills, you had better stop and take a breath."
Snape sneered, as he looked at Ron's oxygen deprived face which was swelling to the size of a large, robust and purple grape.
They released each other and gasped, Ron turning to Snape as he pulled out his .22 and took aim. The gunshot echoed about the quiet library like a fart held in for too long.
Snape's Afro collapsed and the table fell back to the ground, the underside smacking him on the head.
"This school ain't big enough for the both of us."
Snape said, nursing his broken Afro tenderly. Ron replied by spitting his chewing tobacco in Snape's ear and waddling out of the room, pulling Hermione after him. Once they were alone again in the hall, Ron turned to her.
"I want Goyle to be best man."
Ron whispered, tucking a curl of hair behind Hermione's ear.
"And I want Nearly Headless Nick to be the Ring bearer. He can hold it on his stump."
Hermione laughed, and the sound was as gentle as an exploding dung bomb, but perhaps a little more stinky.
"Did you brush your teeth before this close-up shot?"
Ron hissed in her ear and Hermione immediately backed up.
"So it's fine if we get married before Christmas?"
She said, changing the subject.
"All I need is a ring worthy of your…um, lovely hand."
Hermione cracked her bulbous knuckles as him, and raised an eyebrow dangerously.
"Nothing!"
Ron gulped and giving her a final quick kiss on the cheek, scuttled off to change.
CHAPTER TWO
Frodo stumped up Mount Doom on his wooden legs, carrying his two severed limbs under his arms and using them as crutches.
"Next time Gollum tries to lead us into a giant blender, push yourself in instead, Sam."
"It wasn't a blender, Mr. Frodo."
Sam whined, dragging their collapsible hot tub behind him. Frodo stopped in his tracks and whirled on Sam, adjusting his glasses with calm rage. He stared at him for a long moment, then blinked.
"Orc food-processor, whatever. Now hurry up before that dratted Gollum gets back. I want to have a swim right now, and I don't want him to see my shorts."
Frodo watched as Sam pulled off the harness from his shoulders and slid the hot tub onto a flat rock beside them. He pressed a big red button and with a flash and a bang and a smell like Sams burning hair, the hot tub unfolded itself. Frodo peered into the cool, still water as he tore open the front of his rain coat and kicked off of his boots.
"Someone's drooled in the water but no matter."
He said, running round as Sam inflated the rubber steps.
"We can filter that out as soon as Gollum gets back. Where is he!"
Sam pulled a tube from the side of the hot tub and handed it to Frodo as he stood on the diving board, ready to jump in.
"What's wrong with those shorts, Mr. Frodo? They're nothing' to be ashamed of!"
Frodo smacked Sam over the head with the bicycle pump as he blew up the tube.
"Legolas' frilly nickers don't match with my glasses!"
Frodo growled and did a belly flop into the hot tub.
Sam, now soaking wet, was about to press the water button to refill the tub, when a voce behind him said.
"Can I borrow that bicycle pump?"
Sam screamed in fright and turned around.
"Mr. Frodo! A reincarnation of Bilbo in Gandalf's robes, come to haunt us!"
He cried, and cringed under the inflatable steps.
"Actually,"
The stranger said,
"my name is Ron and I need to pump up my trike, I got a flat when I ran down this big guy wearing a garbage can."
"That would be Sauron."
Frodo said, peeping over the edge of the hot tub.
"Now what do you want here, if you are not in fact a reincarnation of Bilbo in Gandalf's robes, come to haunt us?"
"I'm looking for this guy…a Monk."
"There 'aint none Monks around these here parts."
They all turned as Gollum approached, carrying a box.
"Well, they said he was a Habit."
"That's Hobbit!"
But Ron was paying no attention as he turned to Gollum and snatched the box away from him.
"What's in the box?"
He asked, opening it.
"Tim bits, but you…cant…HEY!"
Frodo yelled as Ron grabbed a handful of the squishy doughnut holes and stuffed them, and his entire hand into his gaping mouth. A squirt of jelly hit Frodo in the eye as he leaped over the edge of the hot tub, but it was too late, Ron had eaten them all. Ron then dislodged the bicycle pump that was still protruding from Sams head and pumped up his tricycles flat tire.
"They really should have a law against garbage cans being on the streets this late at night. Someone might get a flat."
He said, sticking the pump back into Sams head, with a quick 'thanks."
"Now,"
Ron said, looking them all over with a big smile smeared over his face, though it could hardly be seen though the blobs of jelly, icing sugar and lumps of doughnut stuck on his face.
"Where did you say these Habits lived?"
"I think he wants the Ring, Frodo."
Sam whispered, but was interrupted with a giggle from Gollum.
"What's so funny?"
Frodo demanded.
"Nice dress."
Gollum squeaked as he pointed to the frilly swathe of cloth and lace that was tied around Frodo's waist.
"Those are SHORTS!"
Frodo yelled, and began kicking Gollum's butt down the mountain. Ron and Sam watched them go.
"If you ride to the top of the mountain and jump off of that great big chasm that is filled with something that might look like lava, but believe me, it isn't, I'm sure you'll find these Habits."
"Thanks bub."
Ron said, and he gave Sam a friendly slap across the face and vanished in a puff of melting rubber and dust up the mountain. An hour later Frodo came panting back up and flopped down beside Sam who was sun tanning in the warm lava run-off that was streaming down the side of Mount Doom.
"So, what have we learned today, Mr. Frodo?"
Sam said through puckered lips as he took another slurp from his caldron of vodka that was balanced on his belly.
"That a Gollums' butt lasts longer than ones boots."
Frodo moaned and looked down at his peeling toes, the boots had melted away due to friction.
"I still don't know why you wore them."
"They keep my hair warm."
Frodo replied as he got up and donned his rain coat once again.
"Now pack up, we have a world to save, and I'm already late for my television show, it's nearly eight thirty!"
CHAPTER THREE
Ron rode rather recklessly. He rode so recklessly that he was up the Mountain and was falling off the edge of the Crack of Doom before he knew it. He leaned back on his tricycle seat and looked down at the slowly approaching mass of red stuff far below.
"It sure does look like lava."
He said, as he squinted down at it.
"It smells like lava."
He said, taking a deep breath of the hot, scorched air.
"It feels like lava."
He said, catching a passing red hot spark as it shot passed from far below, and popped it into his mouth.
"Chicken."
He said, crunching slowly, as he spat out his bottom row of teeth slowly.
It was only when his tricycle, being much heavier, moved from under him and fell first into the lava, and instantly melted, that he realised that he had been tricked.
"Why that no good, low born, short, squat, walking zucchini!"
Ron swore as he tried to flap his arms to slow his progression as he pulled out his wand. The only way to survive now, was to…
There was a loud crunch as the zucchini landed on a piece of slowly melting rock in the center of the lava flow.
"On no! What have I done?"
Ron shrieked, but as we all know, zucchini's don't talk, so all that could be heard was a bubble of juice as Ron the zucchini began to slowly bake in the heat.
"Well, this is it, Sam."
Frodo said.
"You can leave the hot tub, I'll be out right away."
Frodo snapped the elastic string around his neck in two and pulled off the ring. They had reached the Crack of Doom as well.
"No, I think I'll come in."
Sam said, and Frodo turned as he noted a change in his companions voice.
"I SAID, for you to stay!"
Frodo said dangerously.
"And I think I'll accompany you. But you know, 'there and back' never mentioned who would be coming back. I think that I'll just push you off of the edge, so you had better say good bye now."
"Woah ho ho!"
Frodo choked, suddenly noticing how much larger and bigger and taller and larger and bigger Sam was then he.
"Don't you think your getting a little carried away here?"
He said, backing up till he was standing on the edge of the chasm, Sam advancing with an evil smile.
"It says, right here! In the book that…"
Frodo paused as he pulled out a copy of the Lord of the Rings from his underwear and flipped through till near the end.
"Yes, here we go. It says that Frodo gets…Wait a minute!"
He gasped, his eyes glued to the page.
"It says that Sam pushes Frodo off of Mount Doom because of why?"
"It's good to read the book before you go on the quest."
Sam leered at him.
"I know, for a fact, that Rosy Cotton, MY girl friend, has a crush on you. But if you don't come back, well then, I think she'll marry me after all. I saved Middle Earth in the end. Now bye bye!"
"Wait!"
Frodo screamed, frantically searching through the pages.
"You re-wrote this! This isn't how the story goes! You're all wrong, your psycho!"
Frodo yelled, trying frantically to spit his chewing tobacco in Sams face to distract him.
"This is the end. Your going now. Say hello to Boromir when you die!"
"So you were the Orc who killed him!"
Frodo gasped, but it was the last words that he said, as Frodo, rain coat, Legolas' underwear and the One Ring went tumbling off of the edge of chasm.
"C'mon Gollum. Lets go to a disco."
Sam's voice echoed back to him, as Frodo plummeted to the lava below.
Ron saw Frodo falling fast, and was only able to roll to the side as there was a terrific splash as he hit the lava and was instantly dissolved into molten hobbit.
(Authours note: If you care to watch the Return of the King, you can see the REAL Frodo falling with the other balls of exploding lava from the top of Mount Doom at the end. He's the one that hit's the Nazgul.)
Ron groaned and looked back up above him to see what other missiles might be launched at him, but all that caught his eye was a little glitter of gold turning end over end as it gently moved down towards him.
Ron made a bubble in his happiness. It was the One Ring! The perfect ring, the ring to fit the claw…the hand, of Hermione on their wedding day! His quest was now over!
"My quest is over!"
Ron gurgled as he reached out a tendril-like arm from his top, and grabbed his wand.
"Drinkily, sipply, burbly, plup! Change me into a big red cup!"
He said, and there was a flash and the zucchini disappeared, only to be replaced by a large, gleaming cup. Ron, now Cup, tottered on the rock as the Ring spiralled down and down, and with a tinkle, landed inside of him. There was another flash and a ripple like popping bubble pack, and Ron apperated back into Hogwarts, just in time for Dumbledore to take a long sip out of him, nearly swallowing the Ring.
"Bless you little woollen booties!"
Dumbledore exclaimed as Ron turned back into his normal self and rolled off of the table.
"What's wrong?"
Ron's face was turning purple again, and his neck bulged as he swallowed loudly.
"I think I swallowed the Ring."
He gasped as he got to his feet, but was bowled back over again as Harry barged in, his titanic shoulders (which had doubled since Ron had last seen him) crowded past the doorway.
"My my, Harry. How's football season this year?"
Dumbledore commented, looking the bull necked boy up and down.
"Your face has gotten so thick I can scarcely see your scar now."
Harry grinned, then hauled Ron to his feet by the front of his cloak.
"You gotta come, bub. There's a charred guy in the great hall, he came through the roof and landed on Draco!"
Ron staggered after Harry, still trying to breathe properly through the ring stuck in his throat.
"You know, Minerva,"
Dumbledore commented, turning back on his tea party guests.
"I think that Ron looks slightly better with that ring expanding throat. He ought to build some muscle! I always thought he was a pencil neck."
CHAPTER FOUR
Frodo, after being spewed like a wad of chewing tobacco out from the top of Mount Doom, had sailed through time and space and had finally ended up, in a span of less than four minutes, in a great pile of white fluff, all that was left of Draco Malfoy.
"I'm sorry."
Frodo said, brushing a white strand of hair from his glasses as he got up, wiping the pumpkin juice that had burst from Draco's stomach as he landed, off of his raincoat.
"Did I disturb something?"
"By TUNDER you did!"
Ron roared as he leap-fogged over Harry's whale-like form to get at Frodo.
"Your little..bub tricked me and I almost got roasted!"
"It's okay, Ron."
Said a voice from behind them, and Harry shifted his vast bulk out of the way to give them room to see. Hermione stood in the doorway, and ran to Ron as he turned.
"You got my ring!"
She said, pinching his nose shut and jamming her wand down his throat. Ron puked for nearly half an hour till everyone had to sit on Harry to avoid being swamped in it. At last the Ring popped out, and Ron breathed easily as Hermione tried to squeeze it onto one of her intestine-like fingers.
"You'll need a wrench, a screw driver, an anvil to hold her down and a case of beer to get that on."
Frodo said, picking charred skin from the end of his nose.
Ron turned to him angrily.
"Shut up!"
He yelled.
"You shut up!"
Hermione said so loudly that Harry fell over with a splash. She ran over to Frodo and picked him up.
"He's cute, don't you think?"
She said, and they looked into each others eyes for a long moment, while Ron looked on, turning positively green.
"Why, your positively green, Ron."
Dumbledore said, coming up behind him.
"Shut up."
Ron muttered.
"What nice little charred eyes you have, Frodo dear."
Hermione was saying.
"Just like what my teeth looked like before I got them all pulled!' She said, giving a gummy smile.
CHAPTER FIVE
A nice little house stands at the centre of the Forbidden forest. It is built of stone, with a stone roof, a stone fence, a stone lawn and a little stone garden. Easy to tend, as Ron put it as he sunk the last of the stones for the stone Beware of Habit sign at the end of the lane.
"Ronald, darling, don't you think you should feed the pets?"
"Why?"
Ron retorted, sinking even lower behind the pages of the newspaper he was reading.
"All right."
He sighed as Hermione gave a dangerous cluck. Ron eyed the two cages suspended from the ceiling of their living room and got up. Pulling a log from the fire, he poked it through the bars of the first cage. Frodo squeaked and moved back against the side of his wheel, growling angrily.
"Honey, be nice to the pets."
Hermione said, coming out of the kitchen with her mace.
"You don't want me to have to bop your loaf again, do you?"
"No, Saurona."
He mumbled as he grabbed a handful of powdered bran flakes and let them rain down on Frodo's head.
"Feed the other one too, he needs more because he takes the polyjuice potion."
Hermione ordered, advancing, her mace raised high. Ron messaged the pumpkin sized bruise on the back of his head and moved to the next cage where sat a little oyster, floating in its cage of jelly.
Ron shoved a bran flake through the bars.
"There you go, Harry. I always though you were a muscle."
Hermione glowered at him, and returned to the kitchen. Ron flopped back down into his chair, still eyeing the cadged pets, Frodo gesturing violently at Ron between the bars. He was about to return to his paper, when Hermione's voice thundered out again, making Ron's pumpkin sized bruise wobble painfully.
"And when your done, you can help the Orcs out back with the yard light I'm putting on the top of the house."
Ron slouched out of doors to where the orcs were almost done pulling a great plastic light, in the shape of a huge, lidless eye ,wreathed in plastic moulded flares of fire, onto the roof of their stone house.
"I think it has something to do with that Ring I gave her."
Ron muttered as he watched the eye begin to glow as it was plugged into the side of the house.
THE END