Chapter 58

The Ugly Truth

More often than not Alex constantly had trouble sleeping. When she was a child it was the bickering between her mom and her various boyfriends, when she was a teen it was the nightmares and occasional insomnia not to mention the parties to distract her from her home of horrors, in rehab the laundry list of expectations and beating herself up from her constant list of disappointments caused her to lie awake hours after lights out. Now, however, it's because of her new roommate's stomach grumbling from hunger. She knows the feeling because it brings her back to her not so nice upbringing and even in her early adulthood of poverty. She went to bed hungry more times than she could count.

It simply worried her because while she didn't know Cami as everyone at the home called her, she was always a follower of all the rules, rarely made waves and she was a total saint for putting up with Alex's messy habits while Cami was as neat as a pin and not for the reason that she did not have many possessions. She was kind, always listening and rarely speaking - the observant kind of person she was more passive than assertive but you can tell that she was inherently a good person in a bad situation and in way over her head. She was probably the best roommate she could ask for because she respects the boundaries that silence creates. Alex was always someone very much to herself and Cami and she shared that sentiment. When it's time to go out and have free time most people seize the opportunity and enjoy the fresh air or go out for lunch on their own dime and then there's Cami reads a book and sits on her made bed and all Alex can do is watch and wonder about the girl she shares a space with. What's her story? Who is she? Does she know how she runs through her head while Cami is lost in slumber? Alex had this need to protect her because she truly was a target. Some of the men around their age she overheard in group breaks say she's probably easy because she's pregnant and dumb and they count down the days until 'she pops' but Alex knew better and Camille rises above the gossip and while she's isolated it's as if ignorance is bliss but Alex knows she's not stupid.

The other day they had a major breakthrough though, they were in the study slash library Cami was reading magazines and Alex was doing her chores that day which consisted of organizing them. Alex was not the maternal kind but she saw that Camille was. When it was kids day the week prior the kids asked her about the giant elephant in the room and she simply chuckled and blushed and told them the stork will be visiting in a few weeks. She drew pictures with them participating in crafting and made friends with other young mothers in recovery who were seeing their kids for the first time in a long time. Alex couldn't help but wonder about her so she simply asked, "So when are you due?"

"I was wondering when my roommate would decide to talk to me," Camille smirked not taking her eyes off the page she was reading. "And then she asks me that? I guess I'm ready to pop any day now."

Alex laughed it off and shrugged feeling kind of silly, "Just making conversation. I'm Alex."

"Alex, why don't you take a break to sit down? You've been busy at the magazine rack for a while now, I'm sure they'll understand." She was talking about the women who run the center putting her finger to her lips in a shh motion, "I won't tell."

Alex finally sat across from Camille, "So I think you figured out I was the same Alex you talked on the phone with a few weeks ago."

"I knew recognized your voice!" She exclaimed before adding, "if you're wondering things have gotten so much better since leaving so thank-you for telling me about this place."

"Believe me, it's better than a shelter kind of an upgrade but in the partial hospitalization sector so still not that great." She whispered, "an upgrade from a lot of bad things."

"So what was your poison?"

Alex sighed somewhat embarrassed and not wanting to dredge it up but since she asked she answered, "My drug of choice was coke, I was a cokehead pretty much, but I dabbled in all kinds of drugs. It was out of control and so was I at one time. My friends were a big push to turn my life around. For a long time as cliche as it sounds it was hard for me to ask for help or even think I needed it."

"As for me, it was a toxic abusive boyfriend. Granted for a while it was like we were kind of addicted to each other which was unhealthy as all hell and now I'm addicted to being as far away from him as I can." She shrugged, "We were on and off again always. Always drama and fighting over stupid shit that didn't even matter. I know I don't have a typical problem. I know I'll wear out my welcome sooner or later and I'll have to make due but once the baby comes I'll be able to look for work and continue my education - fresh start you know?."

"I understand that, so uh what do you study?"

"Nursing, I want to take care of people someday."

"I'm considering going back to school for art therapy. I got accepted to TU now I just gotta figure out some stuff like loans and grants and all that stuff my SAT's all the stuff I should've done years ago."

"Wow that sounds awesome and a bit daunting but I think you'll do great, it's the first smile I've seen from you genuinely."

"Genuine smile, huh and honestly? It's something I never could've dreamed of seeing myself doing but I'm going to do it, whatever it takes I have to get out of this rut I've been living in for years and finally I have a passion for something along with my goals to be sober and healthy and happy."

"What would happy look like for you?"

Alex thought for a moment, before she answered, "I don't know."

Alex couldn't give her a truthful answer but she did enjoy conversing with Cami in her cloud of mystery. There was something special about her, she seemed to be down to earth and true. She hadn't met anyone like her before and she wanted to make her time easier knowing her deepest darkest secrets.

Alex looked up and grimaced as she saw one of the women she dreaded and knew she was looking at them talking when Alex should've been working. She got up, "It was nice talking but I gotta get back to work."

Cami turned her head around and saw Sheila the woman from intake watching Alex and then turned around to face her again and nodded with a grin, "We can catch up, later on, I'll get back to this magazine now."

From that day on they became somewhat good friends. Knowing Cami liked to read she'd pick out some of her favorite reads about various artists in the library and the trash magazines that Alex would be told to dispose of because they were outdated to make room for the newer ones. She knew Cami clearly liked guys obviously a woman didn't impregnate her and besides romance was a dicey category for even Alex herself. There was no doubt if things were different Alex would take a chance on Cami but she felt this way for her there was no fighting that.

That night they talked for hours until the sun came up about childhood memories, they had a lot in common which surprised her. She didn't mention the rumbles that keep her lying awake instead the laughter kept them awake. While she knows she doesn't know Cami that well, she sure learned a lot about her but kept her feelings hidden mostly to protect herself. She couldn't turn it off but she could keep them close.

Early in the morning, Alex snuck inside The Dot suspiciously and saw the fresh dozen cupcakes and other pastries in a box delivered a few hours ago. She grabbed a napkin, and opened the box and put three random ones aside and locked back up.

When Emma arrived later she noticed the missing food. She wasn't upset but she knew today would be complicated. She knew only three people have the keys to place - Peter who was on vacation, Alex her newest hire and herself. She didn't want to give her new hire the third degree but she just wanted to know why. She thought Alex had been doing much better, she feared the worst but didn't want to involve Jay and Manny yet. Emma tries to make herself available to anyone who is in need if Alex is in need she would've willingly given her those treats, but all she wanted was an explanation.

When Alex came in at eight Emma was sitting at the table with her laptop. "Hey, Emma."

"Hi." Emma simply said to her as she was reviewing the footage from the security cameras. She saw Alex coming in around five in a hoodie. "How's the sober living house?"

"It's okay. It's somewhere to live." Alex answered taking her apron out of her black backpack, "Why?"

"Just making conversation."

Alex put her long hair up in a ponytail and put on her apron not facing Emma, she had a feeling Emma knew anyway so she fessed up. She turned around and played with her hands with her head down, "I-I need you to know I only did what I did because my roommate at the sober living facility is pregnant and hungry. She doesn't have any money and neither do I but I couldn't stand hearing her stomach growling at night."

"Oh, you know she can come here and so can you during regular operating hours. I'm sure I could make something other than desserts. Paninis . . . ." Her smile faded as she realizes who her roommate might be and it wasn't some type of hunch, "oh my god. Is her name not Camille by any chance?"

"Yes. How do you know her?"

"In so many words she's having our baby. Oh my God Alex, how long has she been living with you? A lot has happened since we last hung out well um since you moved back."

"Only a couple of days. She's what?"

Emma didn't answer Alex she just went off at the mouth, "Her boyfriends worried sick about her, he's been ringing Sean every day frantic to find her -"

"Emma can you be quiet for a few moments? Look, her boyfriend is the problem, she can't go home to him, she doesn't want to because he hits her."

"I was right?" Emma whispered in disbelief, collapsing into the chair shaking her head and adding, "and I'm the last person she probably wants to talk to. This is so fucking bad."

"You know Emma you need to stop beating yourself up. I'm here for her I know what it's like. The less Tyler knows the better, it's fine. It's under control. She's been in the program, she's going to therapy - it's okay."

"She's hungry, Alex you told me yourself just now. I feel horrible for her."

"We are responsible for our own food."

"I should've made her stay with Sean and I."

"Emma, I hardly know her myself but I can say there's no making anyone do anything."

"I don't know either I know she's sober because - can you do me a favor and have her come by here? I know you broke curfew and I don't want her getting into trouble I won't report this just please don't take from the bakers rack again."

"Thanks, Emma but please you really can't tell Tyler where she is. He'll kill her. I'm trying my best to help her."

"I just want to talk to her," Emma told her quietly. "I'm trying too. I truly am. The situation isn't ideal, but I want to help in any way I can."

"Okay fine. She doesn't have a phone, she left it behind so calling her is no use besides phones are contraband at the home. We share a phone as a group in the common area. It's the same number I put down on my job application. When you call you just gotta ask for her and someone will go get her. She mostly spends time in the bedroom."

"Thank you, Alex."

"Don't mention it. I hope you know what you're doing."

"I'm not going to tell Tyler but I have a plan."

Emma went into her filing cabinet in the office and found Alex's application and got the phone number and wrote it down on a post-it within seconds she dialed it onto her phone. Someone picked up after it rang for a little longer and Emma got impatient but finally someone picked up but they said, "It should be illegal to call at this time, who are you?"

Emma looked down at her watch and noticed it was eight, "Sorry is Camille here?"

"I'll go get her." the voice said as they put the phone down and rushed to her room. Camille's heart sank when someone told her, "Cami telephone for you."

It was over. She was going to have to come home to Wasaga and for her, it was a fate worse than death, she picked up the phone, expecting Tyler but it wasn't him, "Hello?"

Emma thought to herself with relief before saying, "Hey, are you okay? It's Emma."

"Oh my God Emma I thought you were - how do you know where I was?"

"It doesn't matter how I found out you're here. What's going on? Why didn't you tell me it was this bad?"

"It's a long story, Em and I know once the bab - Mercedes is born you're going to stop caring so why rock the boat?"

Emma stammered, "You know that's not true. I know the situation isn't the most ideal but you're doing something so brave by -"

"I'm sorry Emma but what is it I don't have a whole lot of time to talk?"

"Can you come by The Dot today to talk? I've got coffee?"

"Okay, I just need to get a shower and I'll be over. Are you working?"

"Yeah. I've got some paperwork but I always have time."

About an hour later Camille came. Alex was serving a table and Camille raced to her as Alex was taking plates away she whispered, "What happened?"

"Remember breakfast?"

Emma turned around and saw Camille visibly upset with Alex, "Please don't be mad at her."

"Emma . . ." Camille trailed off, "that was between Alex and I."

"Have a seat." Emma sat at the nearest empty table with two coffees one decaf and one regular - the decaf was for Camille.

Begrudgingly Camille sat down across from Emma and Alex looked at them uncomfortable for a moment before getting back to work. Alex can't help but be protective of Camille. The chair made some noise as she pushed it back finally she sat. "I'm fine Emma. Alex and the women have been good to me. What can you possibly do for me? I'm basically fucked."

"You can stay with us."

"Wouldn't it be weird, for you? What does Sean think of that?"

Emma shrugged, "I'm sure he'd be fine with it, but I'll talk to him."

"I just don't know how long I'd be staying. I will say counseling has been good so far even though nobody can relate to me because I've never had a problem with addiction and I think they know that."

"What happened between you and Tyler? Please let me know."

She was silent for a few moments before brushing it off avoiding eye contact, "We fought."

"Have you talked to him since your fight?"

"I can't, it's really over this time."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because Emma, something happened something really bad. Something I can never forgive him for. Something is wrong with him, he's an alcoholic maybe he hasn't been letting me in much. He's been having this downward spiral. We fight we get back together it's what we do but lately, all I see with him is hate. We somehow fell out of love and I'm not surprised, honestly." Camille answered but Emma could tell it was deeper than that. She noticed her wrists had light bruises but she felt like prying would make her quiet. She happened to look at her face and under her left eye it looked darker, finally, she sighed knowing Emma knew or had an intuition something was wrong, "Haven't you ever been hit? First time I got a sorry. The second time, I got a never again. Months go by, nothing but you fear it. Anytime something complicated comes up, will it happen again and more importantly - could you forgive it this time? Just not this not the same thing but I deserved it because I am not truthful with him and -."

"Camille, no I've never been hit. I need you to know that it's never your fault for being hit. You're right there is something wrong with him. It's simply not your fault."

Camille grimaced trying so hard not to burst into tears, "I've known him since I was a teenager, you know. He was my best friend. How could he do this to me?" She paused for a moment, "but he's simply not that guy anymore."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Just a few months." She avoided eye contact with Emma and added nonchalantly, "I have nowhere and no one to turn to so I go back and we cool off. I drive off. Sleep in my car for the night and come home but it's different now like I said."

"What did he do the other night?"

"He came home drunk which has been kind of his schtick anyway, I was packing some things for the weekend told him I was gonna see you guys and then I realized that than by telling him that that's the first place he'd go when he'd look for me. I wanted out that's all I knew. I didn't wanna put you guys through that and then I left remembered after everything happened I talked to someone on the phone some hotline I saw on a billboard and she turned out to be my roommate." Camille's eyes started watering, "I haven't told anyone this but he didn't just hit me."

Emma immediately got up out of her chair to hug her and Camille shook her head crying, "I don't want to talk about this anymore and no don't hug me. I don't know what to do, I'm not going back but I don't know if I should stay at the sober house or live with you. I hardly know you."

"I hardly know you but I trust you."

"I guess that has to count for something." They had their coffee and eventually, Camille agreed she'd move in that weekend and she went back to the house for her counseling sessions.

...

Ellie Nash sat across from Caitlin at a trendy bistro having cappuccinos and some paninis. In the years that passed, they grew pretty close. Whenever she's in town she likes to spend time with her former protege and catch up. "So I have a pretty big thing I want to tell you about."

"Did you meet someone?" Ellie asked hopefully.

Caitlin made a face and rapidly shook her head, "Negative. It's actually news for you."

"For me?"

"National Geographic wants you! I may or may not have told you about the olden days and fluffed you up a bit but they're looking for writers."

Ecstatically Ellie chirped, "Oh my God! You need to help me nail the interview."

"No interview required, you're in. I'm offering it to you. It's an excellent opportunity for you. You'll work with me, I'm in town taking care of my mom for the next year so you don't need to worry about moving anytime soon. I'd love to hear how you've blossomed as a writer."

"Eventually I might have to relocate?" Her smile faded, "I really want this but I've never been more than a few hours away from home."

"Is there something keeping you in town?"

"A someone."

"You're married?"

"Negative."

"Engaged?"

"No."

"Attached?"

"Kind of… it's complicated. We just met and I really like him and -"

"I apologize for the bad timing Ellie but please consider your future. If my mother had it her way I'd be living and working by home my entire life. There'd never be a Ryan's Planet. I wouldn't have the connections I made over the years. And while there's nothing wrong with staying close to your hometown you're only limiting your options. I just had to make a lot of sacrifices. I made a lot of hard decisions. I'll tell you a story. When I was seventeen and El I know you're not this young but I did something really stupid because a boyfriend influenced me. I ended up being forced to take the blame and from that day forward I do things because I want to, when I say so. I see a lot of myself in you, I think it's time you see the world, Ms. Nash. And if this guy is good, patient, and really into you he'd wait for you and want this for you too."

"I've wanted this for such a long time, Caitlin, you know it I know it even Marco knows it. I guess I need a push but I just don't want this to be a big regret or what if I risk it all and blow it? What if I stay and he's not who I thought he was?"

"Talk to your friends, talk to me and most importantly you seem to be putting all your eggs in one basket talk to the guy too. See what he says, take a leap, Ellie."

"Okay, I'll talk to him."

Ellie was at a major crossroads in her life even if it wasn't immediate but she had quite frankly never felt this way for a person before not since Jesse even if he reminded her of her past. She also never wanted something in terms of opportunity so much as what Caitlin offered her. She was lost and blindsided but she knew she had to talk to Tracker and not just leave or ghost him when that time comes.

When Ellie got home from Caitlin, she decided to write a letter to Tracker and then he called her. She thought out loud to herself, "Speak of the devil." As she finally answered a few rings later, "Tracker! How are you?"

"I'm good, I was just thinking about you." Tracker answered. "How was dinner with your mentor?"

"It was nice. She offered me a job actually but there's somewhat of a snag."

"What kind of job?"

"National Geographic actually."

"That's a pretty good gig."

"This year it'll be here in town, but next year there's a pretty good chance I'd have to relocate a-and I just wanted to know -"

"Ellie, I don't want to stand in the way of your dreams I know this is new and exciting now but let's play things by ear with us."

"What even are we Tracker?"

"I don't know I was hoping you'd help me with that."

"I guess we're a little more than friends but close to something special. I don't know what to call it. I at least want it to be something more."

"Then that's what we'll call it."

"I have a lot of feelings right now for you and I don't want to ruin this, but I also don't want to reject this job."

"Maybe you won't have to reject it. Are there needs for mechanics where you want to write?"

"I'm sure there will be. How else would they get from place to place?"

"Ellie you're amazing no buts about it. Let's take our time to let things happen the way they do and keep the lines of communication open."

"We're okay?"

"Yes, that's what I mean. We're 100 percent okay. I considered going with you, but who knows what this year may take us. Put it to you this way, we either go together or we go apart but either way, I'm here, I'll be here no matter what. You have a year for when things get real, but in the meantime let's enjoy whatever this weird thing we have going on."

A smile played on Ellie's lips, "Okay."

"What are you doing right now?"

"Nothing."

"Do you want to come over maybe watch a movie?"

"I'd like that."

Ellie threw out the letter crumpled into a ball and tossed it in her wastebasket. She changed out of her pajamas and into a simple black cotton shift dress with white stripes put on her crossbody and made her way to Tracker's house.

When she arrived, she texted him she was here and rang the doorbell. He came to the door and stood in the doorway and smirked before saying, "That was fast."

"Are you going to let me in?"

He moved to the right and let her in, and shut the door behind her. When she got inside he pulled her closer and closer for a kiss in the dark yet dim room. She kissed him back and he led her to the couch. When she opened her eyes, she noticed there were candles lit. It smelt of cinnamon in the air. She adjusted herself when he sat beside her with his arm not leaving her side after a few moments of silence Tracker asked her, "What do you want to watch?"

"What movies you have?" Ellie questioned pretty intrigued.

"Jay's got Netflix he said I can use it whenever I want to. I'm sure we'll find something good or better yet," he moved apart from her for a moment as he grabbed a DVD from the side table, "I managed to find Leave it to Beaver the entire series at the library."

She smirked replying, "Your guiltiest pleasure, huh? I'm impressed."

"Alternatively, we don't have to watch anything." As he inched toward her and kissed her pretty passionately cupping his hands around her face with his hands.

Ellie was feeling that there was no chance they'd be watching anything that night as she felt entranced by his kiss. "Let's do more of that." She whispered as they continued kissing for the remainder of the evening on the couch in the candlelight. Hours passed by and they didn't leave the couch. It was late and Ellie really should've left awhile back but she felt comfortable in his warmth. She didn't want to leave, she just wanted to forget everything in this new romance. She was quiet while enveloped in his arms thinking this could be real, or it is real despite everything.

Tracker asked her, "You awake?"

"Mmhm," she answered smiling to herself in the dark not facing him while being spooned before turning around, "I really can't stay here though all night."

"Early plans?"

She simply nodded and pulled him closer to her, "I really wish I didn't have to go now."

"So stay." He whispered not being able to wipe that smile from his face and it was so contagious she smiled back.

He could tell her eyes were heavy and she could probably be in slumber in moments but she was fighting it. He knew it was too soon to have sleepovers and such so early on in the relationship or whatever this was they hadn't exactly glossed over about the formalities and so did she. She slowly sat up speaking while yawning, "You should really get some sleep don't you have work in the morning?"

"Well yeah, don't you?"

"I don't, it's Saturday."

"Aren't you lucky." He snickered suddenly finding himself sitting up too.

"Goodnight," Ellie told him kissing him she grabbed her purse beside her. He got up and walked her to the door.

She decided to call her best friend Ashley and tell her everything she knew her time she'd be awake. Ashley was always a late-night kind of gal and even though they live in separate time zones at this time she was too giddy to care it'd be pretty late for her as well. "Ash?"

Ellie always called Ashley on the phone when she had late-night bursts of creativity or productivity at night. In high school, they dubbed themselves night owls because they'd stay up all night and watch movies and gossip about various people and subjects. Now that they're older things have changed and they don't stay up all hours of the night but they're still super close. She knew Marco wasn't that kind of friend, he used to joke he's an old man because he goes to bed early, even on weekends. He tries to stay up his latest is usually midnight. He may be her best guy friend but he was always warning her to be careful and being the total mom friend which was something she really didn't want to hear. At this time and place, Ellie felt as if everything was coming up roses. Nothing could bring her down or rain on her parade.

"El! How is my favorite night owl?"

"I know it's been a few days but I've got huge news."

"Really? Well, girl tell me all the teen girl deets." Ash asked in a pretty thrilling voice.

"A guy- "

"I should've known."

Ashley was in a bathroom at the moment her voice echoed she was giggling like a schoolgirl and excited for her friend who sounded oh so happy. She rolled her eyes and laughed, "Well I hate to be a Marco and say it but, how long has it been?"

"Like last week and here's the best part I think it's going somewhere."

"You think or you know."

As Ellie walked home they continued talking, "I know. He actually wanted me to stay the night."

"And you're talking from his bathroom?"

"I went home."

"Ellie! I'm disappointed." Ashley joked.

"I have my reasons but I feel like I always dive headfirst. I feel like I need to pace it to make it work."

"Well, that's fair."

"I had to fight that urge but I know it's going somewhere."

"Tell me about it."

"His name is Tracker."

"Cameron as in Sean Cameron's brother?"

Ellie didn't say anything.

Ashley actually met Tracker, he worked as a roadie for a small tour in Alberta and neighboring areas when she was young but she initially met him the summer between her freshman year when she briefly was talking to Sean after the ecstasy debacle. She had to make sense of her actions so she found out from her student council list when she could barely sleep and how no one took her calls but Sean did. He told her what happened, everything he knew anyway. And in the wee hours of the night, she came to his house in her slippers and she met him because he answered the door.

She thought she had the wrong house until she got a look at his eyes and then Sean wasn't far behind him. Never in a million years could she forget that night. Sean was probably the only person in her corner that night, probably because she had kissed him but that was the furthest thing from Ashley's mind. Sometimes she wondered what would've happened had he not been so wrapped up in Emma and they went through with their date freshman year how things would've turned out had she not met Ellie and they dated later? It was strange she hadn't even told her best friend about it because she thought it'd be relevant but that was so long ago. "Isn't it a little weird to date your ex-boyfriend's way older brother?"

"I thought it could be, when I picked up on it and he picked up on it - it wasn't as big of a deal as we thought. Plus it's not like I actually was formally introduced it just kind of happened. Now that it is though it's actually perfect."

"How is Sean?"

"We don't talk about him."

Ashley shook her head and laughed before she was interrupted by a very tired Craig shirtless. He poked his head in the bathroom and told her quietly, "Ash could you keep it down, I'm trying to sleep? I got a group early." Craig had stayed at Ashley's apartment the night but no hanky panky he just needed to not feel like a 12-year-old living with Joey and Angie. They'd been chummy as of late. She thinks Craig has a lot of baggage and secrets but she feels guilty for how she left things back in 2004 so she feels like she owes him something so friendly it is and so they hang out a lot for that and other reasons.

Ashley gasped knowing and simultaneously forgetting before that all about Ellie and Craig saga from Ellie's point of view and suddenly felt a tinge of guilt and embarrassment. She deliberately went in the bathroom so she wouldn't wake him up but the echo must've woke him up. She panicked and simply said before hanging up, "Gotta go."

"Ash?" Ellie realized she'd known that voice from anywhere. She didn't even get to the part about her job offer from Caitlin because they got straight to the boy talk. She suddenly felt betrayed and wanted an explanation as to why the boy she had hopelessly pined for that Ashley had known all about had been around her knowing how colossal of a breakup that was for Craig. You see Ashley had a few secrets of her own. Despite the front, she puts on she has lingering feelings for the one who got away. For Ashley it's Craig. When Ashley and Craig left the bathroom and he went back to his bed, he asked, "Who were you talking to at like 3 in the morning?" She suddenly didn't know what to say.

Finally, she answered shyly and honestly, "Ellie."

Craig's eyes widened and he questioned rather seriously, "Ellie?"

She just looked at him and suddenly she sees everything was so complicated.