CHAPTER THREE

Hogwarts' Number One Hottie? Again?

Yes. The squabble on who deserves such an honorable title is still going on. But will it end?

-.-.-.-.-.-.

All right, according to Lily's plan here, chapter three should deal with my first years at Hogwarts.

I wonder how many years I'm supposed to talk about? The first couple? One through three? Or maybe till my O.W.L.s in fifth?

I really ought to ask her.

Because, you know, I can't just write my whole Hogwarts Pranking Career in one short teensy small chapter here. I mean, we're talking about my life.

I can't possibly cramp five years of my wonderful life in one chapter.

I mean, okay, I know I did it last time, but my life before Hogwarts is something I've stacked away in some pensieves and that I never want to look at again.

Life at Hogwarts? We're talking about the birth and growth of Sirius Black as you know it.

My first fan club was here, at Hogwarts. Can you believe the girls at Bullpustule! They were all swooning over Malfoy. Whatever.

No, really, I've gotten over that.

Really. Or rather… siriusly.

I am Hogwarts' Number One Hottie, not him.

Anyway, before I get too sidetracked with my continuous rants on filth like the Malfoys, let me introduce you all to the very first person who will make an appearance in this autobiography with his interview.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you….

JAMES POTTER!

"Er… Padfoot? Your readers – if, you know, someone will actually buy this book – already know me. I already made an appearance at the end of the very first two chapters… remember?" He stares at me, a little dumbfounded.

I shake my head vigorously. Honestly, can you believe this guy got O's in all his N.E.W.T.'s? I mean, so did I, but I'm me.

"Er… Padfoot?" he asks, again.

"I know you've already appeared in my wonderful story, Prongs, but you haven't been properly introduced yet. This is a serious – or actually, sirius – book, and it has to be proper."

James rolls his eyes. "Padfoot, how many times have I told you already that puns regarding your bloody name are NOT funny!"

"Prongs," I answer, just as impatiently, "how many times in my whole life have I ever listened to you!"

He nods. "Fair point."

"Now will you let me get on with the bloody speech I'd prepared to introduce you?" I ask, a little more forcefully than intended. Honestly.

"Please do, mate."

"All right. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, my—"

"Padfoot, you do know no one is going to buy this book – if, you know, you ever finish it and publish it – don't you?" he asks rather haughtily.

I raise an eyebrow. "No one is going to buy this? Who are you kidding, Prongs? I am Sirius Black. My fan club comprises over three quarters of the whole female British population. Do you really think they're not going to buy my autobiography? Sue has been begging me for ages to get your girlfriend to write it!"

"Lily?" asks James.

"She's a writer, isn't she?" I answer, staring pointedly at him. I assure you, he's really as dumb as he sounds.

"In that case, I'm glad you've decided to do this thing on your own." He pauses, thinking. "And I think that's why Lily encouraged you so much." What? So she's not in love with me? Oh, phooey.

"Why are you glad I've decided to it on my own?" I ask.

His eyes wander, and his hand flies to his hair. I can tell he's nervous. "We-ell…"

"What? You'd be worried to have her spend more time with me than you, find out sad things about my life and want to cheer me up? You'd be worried she'd start getting accustomed to my wonderful smell and my well-toned body and then she'd start wondering why out of the two of us she'd picked you? I bet you'd be insanely jealous, because you'd know that if Lily started spending more time with me, she'd fall in love with me and leave you and—"

"Oh, cut it out," he muttered, waving a hand dismissively in the air. "You know, for a moment there that thought might actually have crossed my mind, but then I remembered it's you we're talking about."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

He laughed. "Well, Lily is obviously not going to fall for you. I mean, come on!"

I raise an eyebrow. "How so?"

"She just would never…" he said, still laughing.

"Do share, Prongs." Okay, if he's going to drag the whole Hogwarts Number One Hottie thing, I will kill him. He knows I'm better than he is, anyway.

"We-ell…" He grins. The thing gets on my nerves. I can tell there's a joke coming. Or probably some rude remark concerning me. ME! "Do you honestly think she would dump me for my best friend, who just so happens to be her best friend's boyfriend?"

Oh yeah… we're back to the whole love pentagon thing. I forgot.

He continues. "I would probably be too much a wreck to do something other than jump off the astronomy tower, but Helen… she's never gonna let Lily live it down if she steals away her precious Sirius!"

I am touched by this. "Really? Aw… she cares about me that much?"

James raises an eyebrow. "You damn well know she does more than I do. You just like to have people tell it to your face."

"Yeah…" I sigh dreamily.

After about three full minutes of silence (I'm too busy to think about Helen) I can remotely hear James cough lightly.

I choose to ignore it. Oh, my darling Helen!

"Padfoot!"

"What?" I ask. Helen's image is still clear in my mind.

"I thought I was here for you interview?"

I nod slowly. "Oh. Yeah. I forgot." I pause. "What am I interviewing you for? You're stubborn, mean, arrogant, conceited, stuck-up, and with some serious brain damage if you actually think you're more handsome than I am – which I know you do."

"And I just so happen to be your best friend since first year. Does that mean nothing to you?" Then he stops for a moment. "And you damn well know I am more handsome than you are."

"You're in denial," I say, shaking my head slightly.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Maybe!"

"NO!" I say half shouting. "You are not—" I pause. First I figure out he tricked me into saying whatever he wanted me to say. Then… "What were we arguing about?"

He looks at me oddly. "I dunno. Probably about your stupid book."

"It's not stupid!" I say rather hotly.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

I pause. "Listen, do we have to get on through this again?"

"No." He stares at me thoughtfully. "What were we talking about, anyway, before all these interruptions?"

"I think we were talking about your appearance in my book. Have I introduced you yet?" I ask.

"Who cares? I mean, honestly, I'm James Potter, everyone knows who I am, even the idiots who are going to buy your book. I don't need an introduction! I'm well-known around here!" says James.

I stare. "Of course you're well-known around here, you're my best friend!"

He looks at me rather disgruntled. "That's not why people know me!"

"Oh, really? Then how do people know you?"

James pauses. "Well, firstly, I –"

"You're Lily Evans' boyfriend."

"Yeah, but not just that! I'm also…"

"Famous Auror Harold Potter's son?" I ask, shrugging.

"NO! I'm… I'm… I'm James Potter!" he emphasized, as if this sentence actually proved a point.

"Prongs, mate, we'd surmised as much. But really, if you aren't famous because you're my best friend – Lily's boyfriend – your parents' son… well, then, what are you famous for, exactly?"

"I… I… well, I was Head Boy, wasn't I?" he asks, looking slightly put out.

"And a very fine one, at that, I assure you," I say, trying to keep a straight face. Honestly, it's not like being Head Boy is something someone should brag about. Not unless you're Lily Evans.

But in that case, you'd be Head Girl, not Head Boy.

God, do I get sidetracked easily!

"I was a Marauder!" he exclaims, startling me. What was the question again?

"Of course you were, Prongs. The very best."

"And I was the best spanking Quidditch player Hogwarts has ever seen!" Is it just me or is his voice's volume turning up?

He's actually getting quite red in the face.

I fear he's hyperventilating.

"And-and I'm also still Hogwarts' Number One Hottie!"

Aha. I knew that was going to come, sooner or later. Better set him straight soon.

"Prongs, you are not Hogwarts' Number One Hottie!" I explain patiently.

"Yes I am!"

That's it. I'm sick of this. "You know what, Prongs? This is getting boring. We have to find a judge. An impartial judge who will decide once and for all who deserves this title."

He stares.

"What?" I ask, rather offended by his skeptical expression.

"That's actually a good idea, Padfoot. It will settle this matter once and for all. Why didn't we think of this sooner?"

I roll my eyes. "Because we have fun yelling at each other and we enjoy telling ourselves we are unbelievably handsome?"

James nods. "Yeah. So, who's the judge?"

"Well," I say slowly, "we've got to get someone impartial. Any ideas?"

"Lily!" he exclaims. Then, he bellows at the top of his voice, "Lily! Lily! D'you mind coming upstairs for a sec?"

A muffled voice from downstairs seemed to agree, so James just smirked at me.

I shake my head vigorously. "No way."

"What?"

"Lily can't be the impartial judge!"

"How so? Lily is the most neutral person in the world!"

"Yeah, and she just so happens to be your girlfriend who also thinks I'm a conceited git! You don't honestly think she just might be a little bit biased?"

"No."

"Well, I do. I want another judge."

"Who?" he asks wearily.

"Helen," I answer promptly.

He smirks. "You can't call Helen! If I'm not allowed to have Lily as judge, you can't have your girlfriend either!"

"Fine. Sue Andre'."

"She's the president of your fan-club!"

"Melissa Pitt."

"She goes around wearing a t-shirt that says, 'Sirius I love you!'!"

"How about Sylvie Carson?"

He breathes deeply. I can tell he's annoyed. "No members of your or my fanclub can be accepted as judges."

"What?" I ask, flabbergasted. "But that only leaves out your mother and Moony!"

It's his turn to stare. "What about Wormtail?"

I give him a sidelong glance, whispering dramatically, "I saw him smuggling a 'James Potter Fan Club Membership Card' in his wallet once. Fishy."

"And disturbing," he adds, shuddering.

"Very," I agree. "Fine, if so be it, our jury will be composed of my girlfriend, your girlfriend, Remus and your mother."

"No way, my mother is going to vote for you. We both know you've always been her favorite out of the two of us."

I grin. "Exactly."

In the meantime, Lily had joined us upstairs. "What's going on?" she asks, looking from me to James, then back to me.

"Nothing to worry about, honey," says James, smiling. "I'm gonna go downstairs to Floo Helen and Moony… you don't mind some company, do you?"

Lily stares. "What? No, of course not."

"Wonderful," says James, dashing out of the room full speed.

Lily looks after him uncertainly, before turning to me. "What is he doing Flooing Helen for? She lives next door to us, for God's sake! It'd take him less time to knock! Or, even better, to just call out of the window…"

I shrug. "Oh c'mon, Lily, you know your boyfriend… he thinks it's fun to stick his head in the fire…"

The words barely escaped my mouth when James rushes back in the room, announcing that both of the guests would be Apparating soon.

Lily rolls her eyes. "What is it with you people? What is Helen Apparating for? It really would take her less time to just walk to our house!"

James shrugs, while I give Lily a look that plainly says 'Don't-ask-me-you-know-they're-cousins-must-be-congenital-stupidity'.

Who would have thought I'd even know a word like 'congenital', anyway? I always said those Word-a-Day calendars can do wonders for your vocabulary.

Especially if there are poorly clad veelas on them as well.

Helen used to hate that calendar (I really can't see why) but when she noticed how much my culture had improved (and I'm not just talking women anatomy here) she grudgingly admitted that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea.

Next thing I know, there's a word-a-day calendar in her room, too.

Only with Quidditch players instead of veelas.

Rather handsome Quidditch players.

Half-naked Quidditch players.

And I'll tell you this: I got worried. I mean, I can't have my girlfriend looking at those idiots the whole time.

So, much to my dismay, we came to a compromise: we were both to get rid of our calendars, and accept our vocabulary as it is.

Oh, dammit.

"So, what's all the commotion here?" comes a voice from behind me.

Funny, I didn't even hear Helen and Moony Apparate.

But they must have, since they're here.

"I think we'd all like to know that," said Lily, looking rather impatient.

"Well," I begin, smiling charmingly, "the thing is… you all know I'm Hogwarts' Number One Hottie, right?"

Helen and Lily both rolled their eyes, while James stared at me.

"You can't do that, Padfoot! It's against the rules!" he yells. "And plus, they all know I'm Hogwarts' Number One Hottie."

At this, Remus didn't seem to be able to repress the urge to shake his head, as he rolled his eyes as well. "Oh, God, Padfoot, don't tell me you and Prongs are still going on with that stupid competition!"

He seems to think that only because we're out of Hogwarts and out into the real, scary world, we actually have grown up and become so mature.

I could be honestly offended by this.

However, it's Prongs, not me, who jumps up. "Who says it's stupid? Our future is based on this 'stupid competition', you know. Everyone should know that I, James Harold Potter, am the sexiest living creature in the whole world. And that my beloved friend, Padfoot, has always been – and will always be – number two."

"I so do not think so," I reply, waving a hand dismissively in the air.

James smirks. He knows this gets on my nerves, and he does it on purpose. "The only way you could be Hogwarts' Number One Hottie would be if I didn't exist."

Lily sighs loudly. "I wish…"

We all stare at her, and James… "LILY! You're my girlfriend!"

"And you're a prick."

I grin. "Well, I could always kill you, couldn't I?" Idiot dolt.

It's James's turn to grin. "Even if you killed me, Padfoot, I would be the sexiest dead creature in the whole world. You're destined to be number two. Face it."

Honestly, can you believe the nerve – and intense stupidity – of this guy? "Prongs, mate, if you're dead, then what does it matter if you're sexier than I am ?–which you are not, by the way. I mean, you'd be dead! You can't shag anyone when you're six feet under, you know. Except for worms, maybe, but that's just icky."

"Eeew! Now that was completely uncalled for!" says Helen, who had somehow stayed quiet throughout the whole argument. Still shivering, she turned to James. "We get that you're still acting like two-year-olds. Is there any other possibly illogical reason why you called us all here?"

"Yes!" Prongs and I yell in unison. "Our competition on who deserves the title has lasted enough," I say calmly.

Lily jumps in the air. "Yes! Yes! I knew that between those two little brains you've got at least one of you was going to realize the immense idiocy of this stupid battle! Thank you, Sirius!" She practically hugs me before Prongs clears his throat loudly.

"Actually," he says, "the reason why you're here is to put a stop to it. The three of you will be our jury. You're supposed to vote whom you think deserves to be rightfully called – from now on and without exception – Hogwarts' Number One Hottie. We will accept your votes, and you will never hear us arguing about this again. Padfoot here promised that if I were to win – which we all know is going to happen – then he will never illegitimately abuse of this title."

Dumbfounded silence follows James's speech for a few moments. Then, as soon as the words start to sink in, it seems like some sort of explosion has taken place.

"What!"

"You've got to be joking!"

"You're two idiots, I'll give you this much! You're tied for Hogwarts' Biggest Idiot, you are!"

"You can't be serious about this!"

I grin. "Of course I'm Sirius!"

After some more rude remarks on my unbelievable humour and on the hard task that our judges will face, Remus stands up. I look at him, rather surprised: he's stupid if he thinks we're going to let him leave this early.

He stares at me and James as if we were crazy. "Okay, you two have got to be kidding. You don't honestly think I'm going to sit here and tell you which one of you I think is more attractive, do you?"

"Of course you are," says James.

"And why should I do that?" Remus looks really annoyed now.

"Because you're Moony and you love us?" I supply.

He stares at me. "No way. No way. There is no way on earth I'm going to do this. I'm going. Good-bye. See ya. Au revoir. Arrivederci. I do not want to have anything to do with either of you madmen till some sanity has reentered your impossibly tiny brain."

Helen snorts. "Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen."

"C'mon, Moony," I say pleadingly, "look on the bright side. If you agree to help us settle this competition, you will never – ever – have to hear any of us complain about who rightfully deserves to be Hogwarts' Number One Hottie."

Remus shakes his head. "I. Don't. Care. Ask one of your stupid fan club members who they reckon should win this stupid title. But don't ask me."

"I would've asked them, but Prongs here – afraid to lose, no doubt – decided that no members of any of our fanclubs can be accepted as judge."

Remus shrugged. "Then just content yourselves with Helen's and Lily's opinion. I don't care." He turns to the girls. "Lily, Helen, it's been pleasant to see you. Helen, I'll Floo you tomorrow about that thing we were talking about yesterday, okay?"

Helen nods and Remus Disapparates before I can say anything else. I round on Helen. "What's this? 'I'll Floo you tomorrow about that thing we were talking about yesterday…?"

"Yes," says Helen.

I glare. "Well, what is it?"

"It's really none of your business."

I'm going to explode. I can feel my temples pulsing. "It is! What are you doing with Moony?"

Helen grins mischievously at me. "I'm having a sexual relationship with him, obviously. Yes, Sirius, I'm two-timing you with one of your best friends."

"Ex-best friend, you mean," I growl. "You're not, really… are you?"

She smiles at me that smile that always makes me melt. "Do you really think I find Remus better than you?"

Okay, I'm worried now. "Yes. In many many ways."

She laughs. "Well, yeah, okay, so he's smarter. But…" She's still grinning and heading towards me slowly. "But I assure you that no one is as handsome and wonderful as you are…" And she kisses me, right there. "And you kiss so well!"

I grin. Oh, I absolutely adore this girl.

I can hear someone exhale loudly, before James's voice interrupts us with a 'Get a room, you two'.

I'm not satisfied with that answer, though. I will have to investigate further on what my girlfriend and friend are doing behind my back.

"So, can we progress with the voting now or you two need some quality time in a closet somewhere?" asks Prongs rather impatiently.

"I'm thinking quality time," I say quietly.

James huffs. "Well, I'm thinking voting, so we'll vote."

I roll my eyes. "Okay, whatever." I grin at Helen. "Let's vote first, so this way when we do spend our quality time together, you'll be able to say you were officially snogging Hogwarts' Number One Hottie."

I think I heard Prongs mutter 'Number Two', but I'm not sure. Oh well.

"Are we just going to raise our hands or are we writing down our preference on a scrap of paper?" asks Lily.

"Er… Paper?" I ask.

"Hands," says James. "I want to know who votes for me."

I roll my eyes. "Who do you think is going to vote for you out of my girlfriend and your girlfriend?"

"Actually," says Helen, smirking, "I'd rather we did it on paper. You know… make the voting anonymous."

"Helen, honey, there's only you and Lily here, voting. It's not like it's going to be hard to figure out who votes who," I point out.

"Oh, whatever," says James, conjuring blank parchment for both of them. "There. Write down."

Lily gasps as she grasps (what an alliteration!) her wand. "James! This is called cheating!"

I turn around. "Cheating?"

Lily raises the parchment for me to see, and I notice that it wasn't blank after all. On it were written five words:

I vote for James Potter

I round on Prongs. "Afraid to lose, are we?"

"Not at all. Are you?"

"I'm not the one cheating here."

"C'mon, Padfoot, it was just a harmless prank. Plus, it's not like they're going to write anything different, are they?"

"You know, James," jumps in Lily, folding the parchment and dropping it neatly into a bowl, "you're still a tad too arrogant for my taste. I'm afraid I'm going to have to deflate that huge ego of yours a bit."

"Whatever," says James. "I'll go see the votes."

"No way," I cut in. "I'll do it. You've already cheated once."

"Why don't I do it?" asks Helen, smiling sweetly.

"Okay," I say, grinning. Aha, if Lily had actually voted for me to deflate James's ego, the thing was in the bag. I won. I WON! VICTORY!

"All right." She unfolds the first piece of parchment. I can tell it's Lily's because of the way she'd folded it. I wait with bated breath for it… "One vote goes to…"

C'mon, Helen, say it!

"Sirius Black!" she says, smiling slightly and showing the tiny sheet to James, who was staring at it, horrorstruck.

YES! I KNEW IT! I WON! AHAHAHA! I KNEW I DESERVED TO BE HOGWARTS' NUMBER ONE HOTTIE!

"And this other vote goes to…"

Is there really any need for this? I mean, this is Helen's sheet of paper, she obviously said me.

"James Potter!" she finishes, smiling largely.

I'm already dancing around when the meaning of her words sinks in.

She voted for Prongs.

My girlfriend thinks my best friend is more handsome than me. And she sets up mysterious meetings with my other best friend.

Oh, great.

She voted for Prongs.

Do you know what this means?

"It means that our 'stupid' competition isn't over yet…" says James. He looks pointedly at Lily. "Unless, of course, one of you has already changed her mind, or realized she wrote the wrong name on the paper."

Helen and Lily grin at each other. "No, that's exactly what we think."

Wonderful. How in the name of Merlin are we ever going to settle this stupid squabble?

"Hey, Prongs," I cry suddenly, "I say we ask your mother to vote. That'll give us a winner."

James shakes his head. "Nuh-uh, no way, we've been through this already. We are not asking my mother."

"Well…" Lily says, smiling slightly. "Sirius, you're writing that book of yours, aren't you?"

"Of course I am," I answer immediately. "Actually, all this started because of my book."

She grins. "Well, then, why don't you ask your readers what they think? They'll tell you who they like best between you and James."

That is actually a good idea. "Yeah…"

So, ladies and gentlemen reading this, I beg of you… leave a review and let me know who should become Hogwarts' Number One Hottie! I mean, we all know it's me, but please say it yourself, just so James convinces himself of it, okay? I promise a signed copy of this autobiography to everyone who votes. And a date with me to everyone who actually votes for me.

"What! No fair, Padfoot, you can't bribe the jury!" says James suddenly. I've really got to stop talking to myself, because James can hear me.

"I'm not bribing them!" I answer, scandalized.

"Fine," says James. "To whoever's reading this. This is James Potter writing. I am not going to sink so low as to actually promise you some stupid reward if you vote for me, because I am above such petty idiocies. I will, however, tell you two things. Number One: I am more handsome, more popular and more intelligent than Padfoot. Number Two: I will give everyone who votes for me free tickets to the next Quidditch World Cup in the Top Box with passes to meet the teams of your choice as well. That said, please vote!"