Trigger Warning:

- crude language

After an inane discussion that consisted of Shigaraki complaining about no new arrivals, All-for-One and Kurogiri assuring him to be patient, and me letting him have his tantrum and eating Black Forest cake, I wasted no time wrapping myself in the coverlets of the bed.

My bed.

Because one person ever occupies this bed: me and only me.

Another month has gone by - it is March now - and in a week or two, the sakura trees will bloom with cherry blossoms.

My eyes droop, with the image of small, pale pink flowers in my head, but they jolt open when the door opens.

It's Kurogiri, who pulls up a chair, and nonchalantly says, "Something is bothering you. Let's talk about it." Groaning, I sit up and stretch languidly, only to flop on the bed again, but in the opposite direction to face him. Lying on my back, I stare at him upside down. Right. Because I am the type to not discuss my problems unless someone else brings it up. Ignore, ignore, ignore. That is my mantra.

"You tell me," I respond. "What do you think must be bothering me? Besides the usual torture at the mansion, I get to lie in a comfortable bed and eat desserts to my stomach's content. Thank you for the cake, by the way. It was absolutely delicious."

"Your welcome, Selene. I made it myself." I feel him smirk. "But don't try to evade the question. Remember what I told you about pride?"

My amusement is instantly replaced with dullness. "I would like to forget it. You used my favorite sugary treats as an analogy for my pride. I wouldn't feel so bad if you had commented on my gluttony instead."

He doesn't reply to that. Instead, he circles to his reason for coming here. "Is this about the peppermint hair boy? Todoroki? What did you do this time?"

Again, I reply placidly, "I would be offended if you weren't wrong. But yes. I did something." Before he can exclaim whether my friendship with him became turbulent again, I answer the question. "No. Our relationship is fine. In fact, it is going smoothly. It's just that I've made a few realizations in the past two months."

"Such as?" he prompts.

"Well, what has been bothering Shigaraki has also been on my mind. I was expecting an influx of criminals within a month, but it's been longer than that. More importantly, I have been committing murders since September, but I have not yet been caught by the English police agencies? My name appears in the newspapers and tabloids - they gave me the most absurd nickname: The Bone Crusher Killer. I admit, my modus operandi consists of shattering bones, but just how demeaning is that! It is utterly disgraceful! I deserve a better title than that! Anyway, most of my killings follow a fixed schedule, and I always go to a news company after to give proof of the dirty things my victims did. Shouldn't the government be making an effort to catch me? I heard that the officer in charge of the case is a woman. Aline Ahearn. But she and her team haven't even made a public announcement that they will try."

"Is that not a good thing the government is not on your tail?"

"Yes, but it is suspicious."

"It almost sounds like you want them to catch you. Like your ego has been bruised. How many more do you have to kill?"

I count on the segments of my fingers. "Including the one from earlier tonight, I've killed a little more than 30. There are approximately 10 … 12 … 15 … 18 more left."

He thinks about the statistics for a moment. "Then I suggest that you hasten the murders. Try two or three per week. I'll open the portal for your return after five hours instead of two."

I scoff, "Please, don't do that. Perhaps you've forgotten, but along with being your spy, I am a student with good grades. I'm already sleep-deprived as it is, what with six hours I get if I'm lucky. If I have to hurry, then the concept of sleep will become nonexistent to me."

"Have it your way," he dismisses the suggestion. "If this Ahearn confronts you, what will you do?"

I ponder the question for a moment. "Well, I'll just have to bribe her with something irresistible."

"What could be more irresistible than your arrest?"

"That's what she wants, not what she needs. Leverage is all about knowing the difference," I answer wittily.

"Everything is a negotiation with you, Selene. You probably bartered your way out of the womb." He chuckles and changes the subject. "What else have you been pondering?"

My growing love for Shouto-kun. "Nothing else. It was just those two," I lie. He seems relieved to hear that and bids me good night. Before he arrived, all I wanted was to sleep, but now that he is gone, I cannot. Adrenaline surges through me. I apologize, Kurogiri, but this I cannot tell you about.

I remember vividly what he told me in October, when I revealed my friendship to Shouto-kun. Rather, how I ended it then. He urged me to make amends, but he also warned me that he would kill me if I became a threat. In response, I told him that I would not interfere should he or Shigaraki attempt to kill Shouto-kun. However, if I told Kurogiri about this revelation, he would execute me here and now. I would supposedly become a liability because he and Shigaraki would believe that I could betray them. I have come so far. I will not die now.

But still. There are greater problems.

Perhaps the biggest is that I can never tell Shouto-kun what I feel for him, and the reasons are all my doing. I summon my diary from my interdimensional vault and begin to write.

March 18, 2035

The first is that I have lied about my quirk. It is not just limited to the elements. Absorption has great potential, the potential to create and the potential to destroy. All-for-One shares a similar quirk, and look at what his reputation is. People fear him because he is simply that powerful. If those people know that there is another with that kind of power, they will annihilate me before the League has the chance to.

On that note, I am a villain, and Shouto-kun is an aspiring hero. I am spying, lying, and misguiding him, my classmates, and the teachers for the League and Hanada-sama. I maintain a facade of being a dutiful, diligent girl in front of them while slaughtering behind their backs. Shouto-kun saves lives, and I steal them. How would he react if he ever found out? How would he treat me after knowing my hands are stained with blood? This bond … this beautiful bond … will be severed permanently. His righteousness is his strength and the reason I will suffer. My life runs a dark parallel to his. I am his dark mirror. Our destinies forbid us from intersecting.

Both of us are traumatized due to our fathers. But he has the chance to come out stronger and be sympathized for what he's gone through. He can openly rebel the pressure Endeavor has put upon him. I cannot do the same. I raise my arms and stare at the revolting letters etched into them. B-I-T-C-H on one arm; W-H-O-R-E on the other. The last slur is carved onto my sternum: S-L-U-T. That is what society will call me. Most rape victims do not receive proper justice. And victims of multiple rapes like me … we are scorned. Prostitutes are what we are known as. The scum of womanhood. The dregs of society. Regardless whether I had a say in the matter, I am already doomed. I will only bring Shouto-kun down with me if this truth comes to light.

They say that the moon is spherical, but it has a side that remains in eternal darkness. I am damnation; he is salvation. I am sin; he is virtue. I am a demon; he is an angel. I am a curse; he is a blessing. I am the epitome of pride; he is the epitome of humility. As alike as we are, we are just as different.

And yet, in spite of my best efforts, I cannot control these feelings. I crave the light that he brings into my dark, dreary world. When he is around, I do not feel so withered. He ushers hope, joy, and the idea that I can be happy, even though I do not deserve it. And when he is upset, I cannot bear it. His every tear feels like venom burning and searing my heart. I feel as though he deserves all the happiness in the world and more, and I will do anything to give that to him. Being with him makes me want to right my wrongs, seek comfort, and live a little. To experience a glimpse of redemption, even though such a thing is unattainable for me.

Having a heart is terrible, but you need one anyway.

And what did I do with mine? I spent much of my life guarding my heart. I guarded it so well that I could behave as though I didn't have one at all. Even now, it is a shabby, worm-eaten, and scabrous thing. But it is yours, Shouto-kun.

Not for the first time, I hate myself.

I hate being so selfish.

Tears bead in my eyes.

What right do I have to love you?

And why cannot I stop this love from blossoming?

Citations:

"That's what he wants, not what he needs. Leverage is all about knowing the difference." - Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

"Everything is a negotiation with you, Brekker. You probably bartered your way out of the womb." - Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

"Having a heart is terrible, but you need one anyway." - How the King of Elfhame Learned to Hate Stories by Holly Black

"I spent much of my life guarding my heart. I guarded it so well that I could behave as though I didn't have one at all. Even now, it is a shabby, worm-eaten, and scabrous thing. But it is yours." - The Queen of Nothing by Holly Black