Trigger Warning:
- aftereffects of miscarriage
Ten bleeding hells, I should have taken that nurse more seriously!
My body still feels so sore with fatigue.
The aftereffects of the miscarriage linger.
Most importantly, I'm stuck using this ugly geriatric cane!
It's that last fact that deeply irritates me.
Before my accident, my legs were in terrible shape. But I could manage to support myself a little. Now, with that ability taken away, it feels like my legs are weights that I have to drag forth. And this poses many problems. Until my legs recover, I cannot partake in any on-site hero training. That increases the risk that I will miss out on crucial information. And it renders me useless to the League of Villains. With such a debilitation and massive truths, I'm supposed to convince Shigaraki and Kurogiri to let me live. You didn't anticipate this, did you, All for One?
I wait inside Principal Nezu's office, glancing outside the wall of windows at the scene beyond. The dormitories and decor are fascinating for something built in three days. But I can't bring myself to feel truly awed. I'm more nervous. While my classmates are attending class right now, I wait for Aizawa-sensei. I clutch the doctor's note like a vise. It writes what I already know.
Principal Nezu ushers me to take a seat. Rest a while. But I cannot. Despite the tiredness seeping into my bones, I'm having trouble falling asleep. I can't even bring myself to drink milk or eat something sweet. Loss of appetite. All side effects of a miscarriage. I occupy a couch and pull out a novel from my bag. Some time later, the door to the office opens. It's not just Aizawa-sensei who enters. The rest of my teachers do, too. So does All Might-sensei. I start to rise, but they beckon me to sit back down.
They ask me how I feel, and I give a false smile and lie that I feel better. Then I extend my hand with the note. "This is the doctor's note. I think it contains some very vital information." They take turns passing the paper around. One by one, their faces dim with somberness and pity. Oh, how I loathe pity. The consequences of my broken bones spiral in their minds like tempests.
All Might-sensei is the first to speak. I did not expect him to. He approaches me and sits in the couch beside me. "I'm terribly sorry, Hanada. This is my fault. I failed to be more careful when fighting. Bakugou had nearly carried you away to safety with his classmates, which made me glad. But I dropped my guard down too soon. You fell, and I became much more reckless. My recklessness and single-minded focus forced both of us to pay a price. I regret unjustly making you pay it."
"I don't fault you for what happened," I reply. I'm not sure if it's the truth or not. "No one could have foreseen that would happen."
"But it does not excuse my actions," he sighs. Then, "You're an excellent student, Hanada. Don't lose hope. You will become a hero to reckon one day." If only I wished to be a hero.
The rest of the teachers make similar statements, except Aizawa-sensei. Principal Nezu proposes to incorporate physical therapy at my time here. He suggests adjusting my curriculum to learning hero theory and watching demonstrations. Perhaps even hero administration. The time comes for Aizawa-sensei to guide me to the dormitory. We remain silent the entire time.
But he breaks it when he orders me to come into his dormitory office. "We need to talk. Follow me, Hanada." I do. He sits in the seat across me, facing me. An unspoken battle of wills ensues, and neither of us back down. We simply stare at each other, sizing, evaluating, analyzing. "I heard the police didn't take a statement from you because you were unconscious the entire time," he says suddenly. "How is that possible?"
Ah. This is an interrogation. I cross my legs at the knees before answering, "I wouldn't know. I was inert during the abduction and woke up days later in the hospital. My assumption is that the League injected me with drugs."
"Why would they do that?"
"Perhaps because they believed that Bakugou-san was the less amiable of the two of us. They could take all the time they wanted to convince me, but he would prove to be more resistant. I was going nowhere with my disease, so they must have decided to tackle the greater problem first." I'm glad I rehearsed these lies before coming here. Aizawa-sensei has tended to be the more cynical of the teachers.
"And would you have agreed to join them?" he asks.
I quiet for a moment. For effect. The response to that question is obvious, but I can't let him suspect. "I would opt for subterfuge. Lie about my acceptance while searching for an opportunity to escape."
He narrows his eyes. "So you had no faith that heroes would come to your aid?"
"Rather than becoming a damsel in distress and waiting for some Prince Charming to save me, I would take matters into my own hands. Isn't that what Pro-Heroes do? Make the most of a situation by themselves? Expecting someone else to save me would be futile."
"There's also strength in numbers. Heroes also collaborate with others to make the most of a situation. They know how to be patient."
"Isn't that what I said I would be doing? I would wait for a chance to flee. As for your strength in numbers statement … By the time help arrived, I could have been killed. I would not entrust my safety in someone else's hands like that. Another principle of this industry is that Pro-Heroes must know how to save themselves."
He leans back, examining me. I do not flinch. I will not flinch. Then he lets out a small chuckle. "You behaved just as I expected to you. Fearlessly. Confidently. Prepared. As if you knew I would ask you these questions."
"And you behaved just as I expected, Sensei. I had anticipated it would be you who would ask me these questions."
He chuckles again. "You know, I never liked you much."
"That was blatantly obvious. I think you know I felt about you, too," I comment.
"Prideful. Arrogant. Conceited. But you were also smart, cunning, and manipulative. You were reserved, cold, and apathetic. You also loved naps. In more ways than one, you were a lot like me. And I think that's mostly why I disliked you. I don't like myself much, and you were the amalgamation of all the bad traits about me."
I lean back, intrigued. I might as well reveal one truth in this game of lies. "And I envied you. You reprimanded me for my pride time and time again, and I envied that you had the authority to do so. That bridge in power became prominent. Because I wished to be able to scold others the same way. A specific someone, for that matter. Undauntingly. Without fear of retaliation. Perhaps that is why I wanted to get back at you. Scare you and get on your nerves."
"Exactly. You were all my negative qualities personified. That's why I scolded you so often. You are young and still have the potential to grow. I did not want those qualities to become your downfall."
I tilt my head to the side. "I understand why you questioned me. But why are you revealing the reason of your loathing to me? Why now and for what gain?"
Sensei leans forward. "First off, there's a difference between dislike and hate. Second, I'm telling you all of this for your own gain. I can only imagine how much of a blow the recent events have been on your pride. It's understandable. It's justified, even. But don't let them consume you. Pride is a weapon. Wield it properly, and it becomes the catalyst for creation. Misuse it, and it cuts you little by little until you are nothing but destruction. It's like All Might said. You are a prodigious student. In all my years of teaching, there have only been a handful of students as talented as you. It is my remorse that I failed as a teacher to protect you from the League's hands when they attacked the forest. That was a blow to my pride, but I have to take it in stride. From now on, it's my duty as your homeroom teacher to guide you to becoming a Pro-Hero without letting you succumb."
Again. If only I wanted to be a Pro-Hero. You are right, Sensei. Pride is a weapon. But I use it to slaughter my enemies while establishing myself as formidable. I create and destroy with my pride, just like the Devil. You need not worry. I won't succumb.
"That was all for now," he says as he rises from his seat. He opens the door. "You should start unpacking soon. With regard to your arthritis, your room is slightly bigger than most, with an attached full bathroom. It's situated right next to the elevator, and here is the key." He passes me a room card and a small elevator key. "Come. I'll show you. Your room's on the fifth floor."
The sun sets by the time I finish unloading all the boxes and arranging my new bedroom.
My arms are full of empty cardboard boxes, and I enter the lobby to dispose of them. They tower, blocking my vision. Perhaps that is why I don't notice someone approaching me in the opposite direction. We crash, and all the containers tumble. "I'm sorry," I say just as I drop to my knees to carry them again. I hardly pay the person a glance.
"It's okay. Let us help," the person says.
No. It is not a person. It is many persons. Three boys: Bakugou-san, Midoriya-san, and Shouto-kun. Remorse fills me as I observe Shouto-kun. His eyes are red and swollen, as if he has been crying for days. I did this to him. They bend down to help me. With the assistance of my cane, I rise. I extend an arm for the boxes, but they refuse. "We'll do it. It's not a problem," the same person says. Midoriya-san, I realize.
"It's my mess. I should be the one to clean it up," I persist.
"Just let us do the lifting. Besides, we have to talk," Bakugou-san says.
I shrug my shoulders and relent. They follow me to the elevator and step inside as soon as I withdraw the key. Five floors down. None of us say anything. Granted, I'm not much in the mood to talk. Mood swings. Another side effect of the miscarriage.
The rest of the class hound us like a swarm of bees when we land on the ground floor. They inquire after me, provide consolations and apologies, and plenty of other nonsense. The sounds are giving me a headache. All I manage are some false smiles in response as I try to maneuver out of the crowd. Then the boys tell them to give me some space. Finally.
Outside the dormitory, they toss the boxes into the large dust bin. But none of us make a move to return inside. They said they had to talk to me. I'm waiting patiently. That is when Iida-san, Kirishima-san, and Yaoyorozou-san join. Caution prickles inside me. Just what is it they want from me? My hand clenches the handle of the cane. Shouto-kun's gaze drops to it instantly.
Midoriya-san is the first to speak up. "You probably heard that the five of us from class banded together to go on a rescue mission. To bring you and Kacchan back."
"I did," I reply, warily.
He starts to mumble. I strain my ears to hear him. "Well, we're really sorry, Hanada. Aizawa-sensei told us that because of the fall, your leg mobility is heavily restricted. And that's our fault. We had been waiting for you to return, so we could apologize properly."
Kirishima-san continues the conversation, speaking much more clearly than the former. "After you guys were kidnapped, Todoroki and I were running on frustration and fury. We were helpless during the whole thing, and we wanted to change that. We brought Midoriya and Yaoyorozou in on our plan - which was pretty poorly thought out looking back at it - and Iida tagged along."
It is Yaoyorozou-san's turn to speak. "Iida and I wanted to mediate the tension. In case the three decided to become offensive, we would hold them back. But we held back too much. If we hadn't, then perhaps none of this would have happened."
Iida-san starts to talk. "Hanada, you and I have bad blood. But it still hurt to watch a fellow classmate of mine nearly die a brutal death. As class president and as a human being, I was ashamed of myself. I-"
"You guys done?" Bakugou-san interrupts. Iida-san's mouth is agape at his behavior. Iida-san is about to rebuke him, but he does not give him the chance. "Damn, you all are so sappy. Just admit that you all feel guilty and responsible for what happened, without all that sugarcoating. Icy Hot, do you have anything to say?"
I glance at Shouto-kun. "I do," he says. "I have a lot to say. But I'd rather say it to her in private." Those red-rimmed eyes fill with remorse, a promise, and something I cannot define.
"So we're done here? Good." He beckons me to follow him. "I'm sure you'll find many private moments with her, Icy Hot. But I won't. Let's go, Salt and Pepper. Time to bring an end to our little bet."
None of them resist, and I don't have the energy to deny him. So I follow him. For a long time, we traverse the grounds of the campus. I stare at the other dormitories and inhale the scent of greenery. The sunset is lovely tonight. Red, pink, and orange. The barest hint of yellow. We stop by one of the fountains. I sit on the edge to give my feet some rest. Then I find myself playing with the water. Bakugou-san studies me for a while before joining me.
"You called me Salt and Pepper. I take it I've lost the bet," I say as I stir the water in circles, not caring that the action soaks my gloves.
"Just had to say it one last time before I started calling you by your family name. For old times' sake and all that crap," he mutters.
That surprises me. I glance up at him. "So I've won? How did you decide that?"
"I think the League of Villains is full of shitheads. A waste of time. But they chose to abduct you and me, of all people. They thought we were valuable. I asked them where you were, and what they were going to do with you. They said that you were going through the same process I was: restrained, persuaded, and having a boring time. That girl villain was with you. As much as I hate those retards, they were right that you have talents. Not as much as me, of course, but definitely some." I snort, as I never thought I would hear a backhanded compliment from him.
I do not know how to respond, and I do not have to. Bakugou-san's eyes tinge with anger and mouth twists into a sneer. "When Deku and those idiots came to rescue us, you were passed out. I rushed to get you before escaping with them. I tossed you over my shoulder because we were going to go midair. But my grip loosened just the slightest, and that changed everything. From my vantage in the air, I watched you fall the same distance that I lifted you. And seeing that was like seeing hope die. I wanted to dive back down and bring you back. You landed with a crunch. Like it was finality. I was afraid of All Might failing and terrified of you dying.
"I blamed myself for what happened to you. Ever since you were in the hospital, guilt and shame consumed my days and nights. For the first time, I doubted my ability as a hero. Had you died, I would have lost an annoying smart alec who could keep up with my insults. I would have carried the burden of your death for the rest of my life." To my surprise, he starts crying. He chokes and sobs on his tears. "I know I come off as this person with a nasty attitude who feels nothing but rage and disgust. But I am capable of feeling remorse. And it's that remorse that is making me concede defeat. Don't think I'm pitying you. It's just my attempt at making amends while keeping my dignity, Hanada."
Now I speak. "Good. Had you pitied me, I would be indignation beyond comprehension. I would never have accepted your apology. Still, you should know that I don't blame you for my disability, Bakugou-san." This time, I know I am telling the truth. "If I had died, I would rather you take my death as a lesson to become a better hero. My spirit would not return from the ashes to haunt you. Instead, it would try to encourage you."
He meets my gaze now. Puzzlement and judgment are present in his eyes, but a multitude of respect surpasses them greatly. "Are you serious? You wouldn't hate me for killing you?"
"I have other people to hate. People more deserving of my loathing. You, Bakugou-san, are someone with whom I enjoy bantering. Someone to lock horns with because he has an ego matching mine. On the subject of ego … I promise not to tell anyone that you admitted defeat on one condition."
"Really? Another bet? My arrogance hasn't lessened, and it definitely won't bow to the likes of you," he grumbles.
"My condition is that we continue bantering and bickering, without a bet in place. Our prides still need an outlet." I extend my hand. My dry hand. "Deal?"
He shakes it. "Deal. I have a term of my own, though. Stop calling me Bakugou-san. I hate it when you use that respectful honorific after insulting me."
"Then? Bakugou-kun?"
"I get the feeling you can't function without honorifics."
I nod my head.
"Fine," he sighs and rolls his eyes.
Just as the last slivers of the sun has faded, we leave to head inside.