Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda

A.N: Thanks once again for all the feedback. I really appreciate it. Glad to hear I haven't fallen to absurdity just yet. Here's another chapter. And to think I'd planned to do all the events in Ordon in two chapters! Boy was I delusional! I just hope you enjoy it.

Oh and please let me know if you think this story would be better served, categorised as Humour rather than Drama. I don't want to misadvertise. Thank you!

Chapter 5 – A rude awakening

"Link!" Zelda's urgent distressed cry echoed in his head.

His dreams had been going so much better than before. Now here came the nightmare!

"Link!" Another cry but somehow bizarrely off. It sounded like two voices mixed together, one was Zelda and the other was…

"LINK!" Ilia yelled. link bolted upright, propelling his blanket off the platform and almost throwing himself off with it. He blinked, trying to orientate himself and acclimatise to the abnormal light level. He was in his house, on his old bed platform and sunlight was streaming in through the window. From the looks of it the sun had been up for several hours. He'd not been able to sleep past sunrise since the start of his adventure!

"LINK!" Another yell from Ilia signalled he'd best respond quickly before she tried to break in. He rushed to the window just in time to hear a frustrated cry "Epona, what are you doing? I've got to see Link." followed by an indignant neigh. Looking down into the glade he saw Ilia seemingly participating in a staring contest with his trusty stead as the mare stood, defiantly blocking the ladder up to his front door. The chestnut mare clearly knew what was up. Still in his groggy state, Link just wished he did.

"What is it Ilia?" he called bluntly, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice, partly from the rude awakening and partly due to it being her. How had such a close friendship collapsed so badly, so fast? Actually, he knew that answer all too well.

They'd been thick as thieves when they were young, content as best friends or surrogate siblings. Then roughly a year before his adventures he began to suspect that his childhood best friend might have feelings for him and with those feelings came a possessiveness he disliked. Then the Twilight arrived, and Link had to rescue her, travelling all across Hyrule to save both her and her memory. Her thanks for such a feat was only momentary before her controlling streak reared its ugly head with almost unfathomable zeal, prompting Link to recoil. As he began to spiral into the abyss, Ilia followed, not seemingly to save him but to claim him as hers. She proceeded to probe him for the source of his erratic behaviour, but like an incompetent surgeon she only opened fresh wounds. It all culminated in the perfect storm of a poorly thought out romantic confession to a vulnerable and unstable hero and the utterance of five simple words that shattered their relationship. "you OWE me an explanation!"

He OWED her?! HE owed HER?! The words still made him bristle when he thought about them. And to think he'd been awoken from a miraculous dream of the Princess of Hyrule coming to meet him, for this!

"Link, Princess Zelda is missing, everyone's frantic, The princess's guards are turning the village upside down in search of her!" She cried in mild panic before adding coarsely "Which you would have known had you not chosen today to slack off!" Ilia's snide comment might have further fuelled Link's ire had he not been almost knocked unconscious by the sledgehammer of reality. Link whirled round from the window and his eye's shot to the bed in the far corner. There lay princess Zelda, sleeping soundly, just as he had left her, stripped of her shoulder plates and her necklace, which he'd removed! How would she react when she woke? How would everyone react when they found out? This truly was a nightmare!

Link didn't like to lie, which probably explained why he was generally so bad at it, yet fate always seemed to engineer his life so he got plenty of practice. Fortunately, he realised, he might be able to stick roughly to the truth, if he played his cards right.

"Ilia, calm down" Link tried to dampen the fuse for the bomb he saw in Ilia's head. "I'm certain Princess Zelda is perfectly safe." He said as reassuringly as he could.

Ilia, far from being reassured, narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "How can you be so sure?" she interjected with force.

How could he handle that one without giving the game away? "Well, the princess is wise, resourceful and capable of handling herself."

"That didn't save her from having to surrender and getting herself captured!" Ilia retorted derisively.

Link now had three battles on his hands. Firstly, to prevent ilia from finding out about Zelda. Secondly, to stop Ilia from saying anything that could offend the princess and thirdly to control his own rapidly rising anger. That last one proved particularly difficult. "That's not even remotely fair, Princess Zelda made a hard choice in order to ensure there was a Hyrule left to save. She made as many sacrifices as me or Midna in order to save everyone." He bit back.

"Oh, that's it, stand up for the princess over your childhood friend! And, for the record, I have no idea what you did or sacrificed, because you refused to tell me!" She screeched. Suddenly, registering the last few words, she exclaimed in consternation "Who is this Midna?!"

Link may not have wanted to open up but if doing so could distract her from Zelda…

"Midna was an imp I meet shortly after the invasion. She was a guide and ally in the Twilight who became a close friend and who turned out to be the cursed deposed princess of the twilight realm. She…" He began to explain only for Ilia to hijack the conversation with an interruption that came completely out of the blue. "Oh, so you were positively spoilt for choice when it came to beautiful Princesses to save!" she snapped. Link Blinked, utterly baffled. Where had that come from? Besides he was sure he'd mentioned her being an imp. Never the less he decided to clarify the situation.

"Ilia, she was cursed to have the form of an imp and she saved m…" He tried again only to be stopped by another confusing interruption.

"I see, just because she's ugly…"

That was harsh! Indeed, Link had to admit he found Midna's imp form strangely cute, but anyway of what relevance was her…

"… she isn't good enough for you. Goddesses, Link I never thought you were sooo shallow! Well that has cleared things up and proven what I suspected when you met HER yesterday! I knew you were naïve but I never thought you were THAT foolish." She raved, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.

What was she on about?! The very implication stung. Midna was gone and he wasn't ever going to see her again. "I never met Midna yesterday, she's…"

"Don't play dumb, Link. You know I meant Zelda. I knew you fell for someone else on your adventure and your meeting with her yesterday just proved my suspicions right."

Oh, now he knew where this was going. It didn't make it any less absurd. He wasn't even used to being considered a friend of the princess yet.

A rustling of sheets below alerted Link once more to her presence. Was she waking? It wouldn't be surprising given their yelling. Now it was even more imperative to stop Ilia before she said something she'd come to regret, even if only for the consequences they'd bring. As much as he hated what she'd become, he did not wish her misfortune. Ilia however was well ahead of him building up steam as she charged head on into a possible prison sentence.

"Link don't be fooled by fairy tales. The princess doesn't and would never love you! Her nobility and kindness are nothing but a mask…"

"Ilia, stop!"

"Strip that away and you'll find she's just like Lord Halshaw!"

"Ilia, the princess…"

"she'll be just as arrogant, two faced and self-obsessed. She probably surrendered just to save her own skin and her so called sacrifices…"

"Ilia, stop! the princess will hear you!" Link bellowed, resisting the urge to lambast her for her ignorance, gritting his teeth. It took a couple of seconds to realise what he'd just implied.

"What!" she shrieked, shock flashing briefly across her face only to be replaced by revelation and horror. "she's with you!" she wailed and the tears began to flow. "You slept with her!"

"No, it's nothing like that" Link attempted to explain but Ilia was already running screaming back towards the village. He was about to jump out the window in pursuit when Zelda's voice, from below reigned him in.

"Link" Her tone was calm but pensive as she sat prim and proper on the edge of the bed, gazing up at him with an almost unreadable expression. He thought for a moment he saw a glimmer of regret. Was it for herself, him or a result of Ilia's words.

Link bounded off the platforms to the ground floor, surefooted as a mountain goat, only wishing his mind was as nimble as he struggled to come up with some sort of all-encompassing apology. Failing completely Link faltered in the centre of the room, only to bow to Zelda. "Princess, I'm sorry…" he began but was quickly silence by a raise of her hand, a gesture he almost missed as his eyes adjusted to the relative gloom away from the sunlight windowsill.

"There's no need for apologies, Link, I have heard far worse." Zelda's tone carried traces of remorse, however her countenance quickly brightened and It looked like that sleep had done her a world of good. If Zelda's voice had been powerful before, even when restrained by stress and weariness, then it was nothing compared to her full melodious tone, light and unencumbered by exhaustion. "besides" She said with a hint of mirth "I have not long been in your presence hero and you have already lifted a great weight from my shoulders." The subtle upturn of the lips, that he was becoming quite well acquainted with, graced her visage once more.

Link blushed bright red and spluttered "Zzzelda, I can explain…"

Zelda's small smile broke into a smirk as she spoke teasingly "Oh, I understand. You were simply making sure your princess was comfortable and rested after what we did last night."

That line rendered Link speechless. why did she make it sound so inappropriate? All they did was talk.

"I thank you for your consideration Link, but I think you should have your tunic back. It's left you slightly underdressed for the public…" She joked before adding in a slightly more serious tone. "…and from what I understand of our situation we will soon be expecting company."

Link barely registered her last comment as his brain was still trying to process the context of her previous remarks that, try as he might, didn't seem to fit in any category outside of flirtation, which he knew was absurd. Unfortunately, the sudden reveal of her bare shoulders again didn't help matters, bringing his thoughts to shuddering halt as he first gawked and then, realising his behaviour, averted his eyes.

His brain was jolted back to life when he received a ball of green fabric to the face, accompanied by a childish giggle from the princess. Unravelling the tunic in a slight daze he picked up, not only his own musky scent along with grass and wood chippings, but the unmistakable fragrance of Zelda's perfume. His tunic now smelt of Zelda!

On the one hand Zelda's perfume was a most pleasant scent. On the other, there was most likely an angry mob descending on them, convinced he'd entered the princess's castle and proceeded to move the furniture with much vigour… and his clothes smelled of Zelda! That wasn't even considering the grass stains on her dress or her slightly dishevelled hair from sleeping. Forget the pitchfork mob. What if Ilia saw it?! Link had the sudden image of his door bursting open and his house being consumed by a sea of molten lava, provided courtesy of a recently erupted mount Ilia with assistance of a tornado from storm Halshaw.

Link's face set a new world record by going from red as a Bokoblin's bruised backside to whiter than his vest in under a second. The princess noticed this shift and asked with concern "are you alright, Link?"

No, he wasn't. he was on the verge of panic but knew he had to keep his cool if they had any hope of righting the situation. "Zelda, if you heard Ilia, then you know she's likely run to the village and told everyone that we… we…" Link faltered unsure how to say it or whether he even should in the princess's company.

Given the heroes loss of speech Zelda decided to help him finish. "participated in intimate diplomacy, engaged in horizontal refreshments, played the midnight organ…" She listed off nonchalantly, sending Link's jaw crashing to the floor almost followed by his eyes. Given his shock, she clarified with a wry chuckle "I may be innocent of the experience, but the concept is inescapable if you ever witness court gossip. I sense however that you have more to say on the matter so please continue."

Salvaging his jaw and popping his eyes back in their sockets, Link gathered his words to delivery his point in the strongest possible terms, as the princess seemed wholly unconcerned by the implications. He also felt the resurgence of that almost feral instinct to protect her, at any costs, even at the expense of himself. He couldn't fully explain its origin, yet it spurred him on.

"Princess, such a claim could ruin both our reputations. Your reputation is far more important than my own as a simple goatherder..." Zelda's nose wrinkled slightly at his self-depreciation but didn't interrupt. "so for the sake of the kingdom alone your reputation needs protecting. You have also been through much already and I do not wish to see you in further distress. If sacrificing my reputation will spare yours then that is a burden I am willing to bare."

A glowing grateful smile spread across the princess's features, but far from encourage her to treat the matter more severely it only prompted further amusement. "while I am flattered and moved by your unwavering sense of duty and concern for my wellbeing, gallant hero, your sacrifice is neither desired or required. Indeed, I can say with absolute confidence that both our reputations will not only survive this battle but thrive from its resolution." She practically sang, eyes twinkling with chained laughter.

"But Zelda…"

"Link" Zelda sighed, tone suddenly business like, even as her eyes still held laughter. "time IS of the essence, as if we do not return to more appropriate levels of attire then they may have some slight reason to believe rumours. If, however, you put your tunic back on and assist me with my pauldrons then I will tell you my tactics to ensure victory in the coming siege."

Link was lost. "Your pauldrons?" he asked as he slipped his tunic back on, despite the problem of Zelda's perfume.

"My shoulder armour, Link, that you removed Last night." She answered drolly

"right!" Link said blushing again, hurrying to retrieve them from the dining table to hide his embarrassment.

As he hefted the two ornate gold, former, doorstops from the table and headed back to Zelda, she turned to face the door and lifted her cascading locks of brunette hair over her shoulder to assist him by opening up her back. It also revealed that the back of her dress was rather lower than he'd expected.

As Link hesitantly heaved the pauldrons onto her shoulders and awkwardly checked the back clasps were secure, trying not to let their closeness bother him, Zelda asked "Would I be correct in assuming that Knowledge of Ilia's unrequited feelings aren't just confined to you and her?"

"No" Link replied uncomfortably "Her confession and the argument that followed turned out to be rather more public than either of us would have wanted."

"I'm sorry to hear that. It could, however, be considered a blessing in our current predicament as it means that the rest of the village is less than likely to believe her claims. As a result, it can be said that we already have half the possible crowd on our side and I think my meeting with them yesterday will have ensured their support." Zelda expounded conspiratorially.

Link nodded in understanding before moving round to fix the front clasps.

"Then we have the soldiers. They, of course, do not know you or your history with me or Ilia. One thing I do know is that, while opinions of me among the ranks are mixed, there is a general consensus that I must be a nun; strict, conservative but most importantly… terminally celibate! Therefor I have very little reason to believe that they would buy Ilia's claim either."

Link vaguely nodded again but was distracted as, having finished adjusting her pauldrons, he couldn't escape the feeling she was missing something. He was never the less enjoying the princess's strategic breakdown, which had helped to allay his fears.

"That leaves only genuine opponent on the field, Lord Halshaw, who wont be interested in the truth of the matter regardless and will merely be looking for a chance to humiliate us. He'll simply jump on this opportunity to do so. In such engagements the best form of defence is attack and a solid knowledge of your opponent's social foibles. Fortunately, Lord Halshaw has an almost inexhaustible list and if I know him, he'll have done a marvellous job of handicapping himself with one of them already."

"But what about Ilia?" Link thought aloud.

"I do not believe Ilia will attend. She is a broken-hearted girl nursing an open wound. The last thing she'd wish would be to show it off in public." Replied Zelda, her voice soft with sympathy, even after Ilia's tirade.

He pondered her words, suspecting there was something she wasn't telling him, when his senses were piqued and he turned to the doorway. Through the window he could detect a large presence approaching. It smelt like a brewery and wheezed like old broken bellows. It could only be Lord Halshaw, and behind him a sizable crowd.

Link whirled round to inform the princess but from the composed, stoic mask that had dropped over her face it would seem she'd already figured out the message.

"Showtime" Came Zelda's determined whisper, as she glided with her usual grace towards the door. She had Just reached for the handle when Link's heart stopped.

"Zelda, your dress, the necklace!" he cried desperately, dashing to the door.

Genuinely startled by his sudden outburst, her mask broke and she was seemingly disorientated for a moment before glancing down and realising what he'd meant. "ah yes, the grass stains, total slipped my mind." She said casually, not seeming to have grasped the second part of his warning. She had just started to make some bizarre hand motions when she suddenly froze and asked slowly "Link, where is my necklace?" her tone unreadable.

Link hesitantly and sheepishly pulled the intricate chain of jewels, still in two parts, out of his pocket. He opened his mouth to explain but Zelda, with her stoic mask back on, addressed him coolly "I will expect an explanation later, however for now there are more important matters that must be dealt with. Speaking of which, do you still possess a bow and some arrows? I just might require them."

Link was baffled and slightly unnerved by the request but decided it might be best for his health if he complied without question, so he shot off towards the basement, carefully pocketing Zelda's necklace again. As he descended and proceeded to root around in his old gear chest, he could just make out Zelda muttering incomprehensible gibberish under her breath. He'd just retrieved his bow along with his clawshot, which he might just need for a quick escape, when there was a sudden burst of light from above.

Cautiously ascending the ladder, Link expected to find some huge magical object in the centre of the room or some sort of mystical firework show, given the dramatic flash that had just occurred. He wasn't sure whether to be worried or relieved when he reached the top to find no noticeable change, no glowing giant statue, no magic fireball, no mystical creature, just the room as he'd left it and Zelda just as…

It was as he gazed at Zelda that he realised the change, remarkably subtle considering the lightshow. Zelda's dress, while not spotless, was considerably less dirty, but rather more surprisingly her necklace had seemingly miraculously returned to its' rightful place. Link, thoroughly bamboozled, reached into his pocket only to find the delicate jewellery still there.

He'd just grasped what she'd done when Zelda clarified "It's just a simple illusion spell, nothing's actually changed." still not giving away whether she was mad at him.

Link approached, holding out the bow, but Zelda waved it away. "Thank you but I do not require it presently. Just leave it by the door in case I have need for it later." Link couldn't fathom what it might be used for. He hoped it might be used to demonstrate Lord Halshaw's utility as a pincushion. It's not like those arrows could actually hurt him through all that blubber he carried, unless Zelda "accidentally" went for the head. He just didn't wish to become a pincushion himself, as punishment for taking her necklace. He had heard a certain expression about hell, fury and a woman scorned!

A whinny from Epona outside informed them that the crowd had finally arrived. Zelda turned to Link, mask unwavering and gave his marching orders. "So, the battle begins. Link, all you need do is stand next to me and look vaguely imposing. I'll handle Lord Halshaw. He will try to bait you into a reaction. Don't give him one." She briefly lifted the mask for a small smile of reassurance. "are you ready?" she asked.

He nodded. Time to being imposing… If he could!

Zelda opened the door…