A.N: Hello my fantastic readers! Hope you're all well and safe during this time of unprecedented upheaval. I very much hope I can offer an entertaining distraction with another chapter and that you're still finding the story engaging. If you have any constructive feedback, as always, it's appreciated.
Now without further ado sit back, relax and enjoy the next riveting chapter.
P.S: If you see spelling mistakes, blame Link! He's the one who's drunk after all.
Chapter 19 – A Noble Stead May Disagree
Hyrule Barracks stables – 190 days A.G
He'd given it an hour…
An hour Lying on his bed while the room span, faster than the seconds on the clock, which dragged pitifully slow with boredom. Fortunately, the merry-go-round eased by the time the distant chime of the clock tower signalled midday, the exuberant bells spurring him into action. While it was true that he still wasn't fully compost minutes, surely he was capable of managing such a mundane journey as a trip to the stables?
And indeed, he was… some of it even in a straight line!
Now Link soaked up the glorious summer weather as he weaved his way towards the growing smell of hides, hay and horse crap, grinning from ear to ear, drink brightening his disposition just as much as the sun's rays. With his ankle and wrist painless for the first time in a week, he would have felt like skipping if not for the rocking sensation that still accompanied his every movement.
Rounding the corner of the barracks, the stables came into view. A series of wooden stalls flanked a small paddock on three sides, while the forth side was bordered by the barracks itself. Huddled between two stalls at the far end was a gate leading through to the barracks gatehouse, beyond which lay the wide expanses of Hyrule field. Epona was likely desperate to frolic out there, but she would be doomed to disappointment, as while Link could visit her, he was in no fit state for a ride, even if he weren't under the influence. More than enough examples of what happens when you flout the golden rule "Don't drink and ride" had passed through the infirmary to teach him not to try it, even with his current inflated confidence.
Said confidence was almost punctured when, letting his legs carry him without much thought as to where, he narrowly avoided acquiring a new brown colour pallet on his freshly cleaned black boots, along with a pungent fragrance of Eau Du Manure. Phew, that was lucky!
Casting his eyes around the stables suddenly revealed the full extent of the problem. Greice and the other stable hands must be off their game today, judging by the good dozen more he could spy around the yard. After several close calls and near misses, he stumbled his way into Epona's stall… or at least he'd thought it was Epona's!?
"Sorry, I'll leave you to your… hay." He mumbled as he backed away from the gate. The large dappled grey stallion whose feast he'd so rudely interrupted, eyed him suspiciously, pausing mid munch to study him intently.
So where was Epona's stall? He must have miscounted, but she couldn't be far. Perhaps…?
Link began to Hum an old tune, brimming with sentimental memories of the duo and their humble beginnings. Within seconds there was a familiar neigh from two stalls down, shortly followed by the appearance of an equally familiar chestnut head popping over the stall gate. Ah, there you are… and seemingly in a good mood.
"Hey there Epona."
Any appearance of a good mood proved short lived as, upon reaching her, she took one sniff in his presence and promptly recoiled in disgust. Had his feet found some stealthy horse manure? An inspection of his boots came back negative. The act of looking down did however yield another possible answer. He stank of brandy.
It was little wonder the mare was repulsed by such an odour given her last experience with a man wearing it, namely Lord Halshaw. He considered trying to explain the situation, however the more he thought about it, the more obvious it became that it was beyond any horse's intelligence to unravel. Heck, the more he thought about it, the less HE could understand it. To inflict such confusion upon her could probably be classified as torture.
If she hadn't already been annoyed at him before, she certainly was now, presenting her rump and a disapproving snort, while he hung back cautiously at the stall gate. The mare was having one of her legendary strops, made clear by an angry stomp and flaring nostrils as she fixed a dark eye on him. She looked undeniably unkempt and, glancing around her stall, so did her home. No wonder she was so irritated.
Solving this would undoubtedly require a level of tact and probably a fair bit of bribery, and knowing her, she'd probably milk it for all it was worth. Sighing in resignation, the "tipsy" hero hesitantly crossed the threshold to begin negotiations with his furious friend.
The mares opening play in this negotiation was swift, decisive… and wholly unexpected. A devastating surprise attack with rump and a slap of the tail was enough to unbalance the inebriated Link and, after a brief impression of a windmill losing its foundations, his own rump went for an unexpected swim.
"Epona, I don't need a bath!" He cried, struggling to extricate his thoroughly soggy bottom from the water trough.
Epona clearly disagreed as she reversed once more and almost knock him straight back in.
"Seriously. Cut it out!" He snapped, exasperated but hastily reigned it in, lest he encourage further wrath. Perhaps a general apology would make an adequate peace offering? "Look Girl, I'm sorry. Ok… I'm sorry."
There was a pregnant pause before, apology apparently accepted, the mare begrudgingly sidled away, braying shrilly like a laugh. She still wouldn't face him though, not that he'd been expecting her to.
Despite his soaked pants and her disgruntled demeanour, Link couldn't suppress a wry smile, as he shook his head drolly and the duo began their time-honoured traditional dance for such occasions. It was an intricate ballet where Link would try to get close to her head, and Epona would try and stop him. It proved rather more challenging in the confined space of the stall, doubly so when the world was rocking like a boat on lake Hylia. The waters may have been calm but that didn't stop him from accumulating clumps of hay up to his chest, as he performed his best impression of a toddler chasing a leaf in a strong wind. Epona performed dual roles as both the leaf and the wind, blowing him away; sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally.
"And you give me grief for smelling like a br… like a brewery?!" Link muttered drolly, eyes crossing from the whiff, as he staggered once more to his feet.
Despite his stumbles and the rare gas attack, he eventually succeeded, though he had a sneaking suspicion Epona let him, having already gained sufficient amusement at his expense. He dusted down his tunic and trousers as best he could, trying to gauge the mare's mood. She was calmer but it was clear more diplomacy was required, along with some urgent grooming.
He retrieved her favourite brush from a hook on the wall and got to work. "I'm sorry girl, I really am. You know I wouldn't abandon you but unfort…fortunately I wasn't exactly in a fit state to visit…"
Epona craned her neck to give him a haughty look, which spelt out clear as day "and who's fault was that then!"
"Hey, don't look at me!" Link huffed "A knight challenged me to a duel, the son of that rude lord we met back in Ordon, remember him girl?"
A derisive snort and flaring nostrils gave an emphatic answer.
"Yeah well, turns out his son's even worse! Anyway, we duelled and, despite his many attempts at cheating, even roping in his squire to help him, I eve…eventually won, but not without receiving a beating. Damn near broke half my bones cos he fights dirty. As a result, I spent the last week in the infirm. recovering."
He was pretty sure she got the general gist of his explanation but it was clear he'd be receiving little by way of sympathy, judging by another snort from his hot-headed friend.
"Hey it's not my fault. Besides, the princess ordered me to stay in bed. You wouldn't want me disobeying the princess, would you? Then I'd be locked up in the dungeon and you'd never get your apples or a brushing. You wouldn't want that, would you?"
The stubborn mare finally capitulated with a shake of her head and a soft neigh.
Link took stock of his hooved friend's dishevelled state and shook his head. "I'm guessing you've refused anyone else grooming you? That's why you're so messy, hmm? You know what I still don't get, Girl. If you have such a problem with people, why'd you never kick up a fuss with Ilia? Oh, or the princess for that matter?"
Epona's beady gaze roughly translated to "Duh, do you really need an answer?!" Well, even if there was one, he wouldn't get it. Just another reason why he missed his wolf abilities. For all their bond and the understanding that came with it, it could never compare to the intricate expressions of an actual conversation. Broad brushstrokes as opposed to details fine as a single strand of hair.
He sighed and the duo settled into comfortable silence, the mare finally dropping her grudge and relaxing into the brushing. Her pricked ears told him she wasn't entirely calmed but that was hardly surprising. As he passed by her head, she even gave him a conciliatory nuzzle and shuffled carefully round to give him more room on her other side. The truth was, she could never be mad at him for too long.
The minutes were marked by the early afternoon shadows, creeping languidly by to the sound of brushing, the infrequent clip-clop of hooves and the chatter of a nest of swallows hidden somewhere in the rafters.
With the hard work of diplomacy done, Link's early cheery disposition was rapidly returning. This combined with Epona's familiar presence brought on a new wave of reminiscing. Memories flowed forth and, in her comfortable company, he shared them with a quiet murmur, to which she listened intently, occasionally adding a gentle nicker in reply. She'd witnessed many of them and was his one steadfast companion who'd been there since the beginning.
From tales of childhood pratfalls in Ordon to stories of deadly breakneck dashes across Hyrule field, he felt compelled to share them and in exchange was granted some small grace of catharsis. Most of them he'd never shared before and he suspected he probably had the brandy to thank for loosening his tongue. Epona was an ever-diligent listener yet her inability to speak deprived him of the true closure he desired. Nevertheless, the memories lacked the sadness which often pervaded them, a fact which could also be put down to the effects of his drink. Drink, however would never be a substitute for actually availing himself of those painful memories to someone he could actually converse with.
He was brought back to the princess's words that night in Ordon. "Sharing with an understanding friend can sometimes be the first step." Such a prospect didn't seem so hard with his current, alcohol-fuelled confidence, but could he really open up when the time came?
His thoughts were interrupted by an approaching squeak, the crunching of boots on gravel and a tenfold increase in the stench of manure. A stable hand was coming? Good! he could ask them about why it was so messy around here.
The gate of the neighbouring stall scraped open and from the corner of his eye he caught sight of a giant entering. Only Greice was THAT tall. "Hey Greice, how…"
"Oh, it's you hedgeborn." That growling voice certainly wasn't Greice. Of all the people he had the misfortune of running into! Hang on, what was HE doing here?! He should be off doing his "duty… of… reverence."
As realisation dawned on him, he fought valiantly to restrain a gleeful grin as he slowly turned to his nemesis. Oh Zelda, you haven't…
She had!
Oh Zelda, you diabolical genius!
"Sir" Halshaw, sidled in, hauling a wheelbarrow full of equine excrement, his stately armour replaced with ragged cream coloured overalls, liberally stained with streaks of brown. To add to his "peasant persona" his immaculate black hair had been "restyled" with the clear aid of a pudding bowl. The sour expression, like a dog who'd lost his bone, his balls and his dignity, completed the look perfectly.
Link gazed upon this glorious sight with a mixture of amazement and barely contained ecstasy. He never knew Zelda had it in her. The job was one thing but the pudding-basin haircut?! That was quite another!
Stopping himself just short of descending into another round of princess worship, he was instead reminded of her warning in her letter to be cautious when handling the nobles. As delicious a comeuppance as it was to witness, it would be most unseemly to gloat. No, he was a hero of great virtue and he would be sensible… and civil. He absolutely would not…
"Well HELLLOOOOOHOHOHO!" he chortled, his voice jumping an octave in exuberant delight, while a gleeful grin threatened to split his own face in two. "How great it is to see you take the role you so clearly deserve. One could say you were born for this job."
His first insult had the knight grinding his teeth. The second had him whirling round, wild eyed and wearing a twisted expression Link couldn't entirely decipher. "What do you mean?!" he blurted.
Wow! he'd expected anger but not the defensive, almost panicked tone. Guess he struck a nerve. "Isn't it obvious" He replied smugly. "You spent your time stirring muck and now your job's to collect it. Love the hair by the way. The classic, like a… like a upside down bird's nest…" Ok, that joke got away. "… so "popular" with us common folk. Proetic justice if I…"
"What?!" Halshaw suddenly interjected, expression having cooled from distressed outrage to mere simmering anger.
This interruption completely threw Link's flow. "What?" he replied in bemusement. He thought he'd made himself perfectly clear.
"You said proetic."
"No, I didn't!" Link protested, despite the fact he was well aware of his mistake. it probably wasn't best to clue in the knight to his current intoxication. Speaking of which, perhaps he should follow Zelda's advice and tone down the insu…
"Yes, you did cumberwold! Looks like that bash on the head took what little intelligence you may have once possessed. Leave it to an uneducated oaf like you to fail at the basics of erudite enunciation. You attempt to mimic your betters but you will always fail."
Oh, he wasn't about to let that slide. "Funny coming from a man shovelling shit. Is all of it the horse's or is some of it your own?"
"I wouldn't be here were it not for "her illustrious royal highness" and her dishonesty." Halshaw snapped bitterly, turning back to his work with contempt.
Was this really where they were going? Again?! "For the last time, nothing happened with me and Zel… er, Her Royal Highness! Besides, I distink… distinctly remember you promising you'd drop the matter if she won that archery contest, which, as I recall, she did!"
"All the contest proved was the fact she lacked the honour or decency to win fairly…"
"You were the one who forced her to take such an… unorth… unortho… unnnn…" Oh damn his drunk ass brain! "novel approach when you stacked the contest against her with that bow. Besides, I believe she more than proved her abilities."
"Ha! I'll admit her final two shots were undoubtedly impressive but It hardly corroborates her story. Even if she did fight alongside you…" He snorted derisively "It does little to disprove her rumoured "indiscretion" and it certainly wouldn't be the first time a noblewoman has shirked her own bedchamber for another's when the mood strikes her…"
There Sir Halshaw went again, calling out the supposed rampant infidelity of the ladies of court, spoken with a fixated, almost zealous passion, as if quoting some sacred scripture. It was frankly slightly disturbing yet rather than interrupt, he decided to simply extract his brain from the conversation, letting the rant wash by him, while he turned his attention back to treating Epona, who was far more deserving of his time and energy.
"… Regardless this would hardly be her only deception. She may have cultivated a pristine image but she is far from holy and the only facet of her being which could be considered perfect is her ability to manipulate. My family has been her court plaything ever since she came to power, a pawn in her petty squabbles and a tool in her political machinations…"
Blah, blah, blah! More pity fishing, casting himself as the victim and the princess as the villain. What else was new? Zelda would never do anything like that!
There was a brief respite from the knight's ravings as Halshaw hauled the wheelbarrow out of neighbouring stall… and straight into his. Great! Epona shifted warily, fixing a beady eye on the knight, which he returned suspiciously.
"I should have known that stupid nag was yours. It would certainly explain her lack of respect!"
Lack of respect! What did he expect Epona to do?! Bow! "No, she's just a good judge of character."
"I am noble, of a prestigious bloodline and even beasts of burden should know to respect that. No matter. If she wishes to wallow in filth then I'm more than happy to oblige."
With Zelda and now Epona coming under siege, for all his verbal sparring, Link was seriously considering laying the blaggard out properly. The only thing stopping him was the memory of the last time he'd tried that particular manoeuvre. He shared a glance with his faithful steady, whose tensed jaw and flaring nostrils told all he needed to know of her feelings on the matter. If Halshaw carried on like this, he wouldn't need to do anything. Just let nature take its course. "You may want to watch your words "Cocksure", she may take offence."
"Bah, leave it to a hedgeborn brought up with animals to overestimate their intelligence, just as you clearly overestimate Her Highness's capacity for compassion and caring. She has played my family as a shield to distract the court from her own scandalous indiscretions for years, however we can take some small comfort knowing that our positions are indispensable… unlike yours! Sooner or later, when your usefulness has ended, she will show her true colours and you'll wish you played nicer with your betters, the only people who could preserve your position."
Link and Epona achieved miraculous synchronicity as they, to each other's great surprise, released a derisive snort in perfect unison.
Halshaw sneered. "Ignore my warnings as much as you want. I'll be the one laughing when, having exhausted your entertainment value, she casts you out like a leper. I'm sure, having entered the princess's palace, she has offered you much and being a gullible, crooked nosed knave, you've fallen for such empty promises without a thought. Well know this, so called hero, you sleep with dogs and you get fleas."
"See. Now, in our little duel last week, you called ME the dog and said I slept with my goats. Well if I'm the dog then that must make you the flea. It would certainly explain the itch on my arse every time we meet!" Link quipped with a smirk. It was fun speaking his mind for a change. He should do this more often! A small muffled voice in the back of his head warned him not to push his luck but, the exhilaration of riding the chariot of righteous ridicule drowned it out.
The sotted hero may have been enjoying it but the humiliated knight certainly wasn't, spitting through gritted teeth "Insolent insufferable Yaldson." With a vein throbbing in his temples, he returned to his shovelling and "accidental" missed the wheelbarrow, the brown slop landing just shy of Link's boots with a grotesque squelch.
"Hey, bullseye, looks like your aim's off." Link snarked and again the muffled voice of rationality beseeched from the depths of his mind, only to be ignored.
"Oh. I'm sorry. It occasionally happens, especially when in company of ignoble hedgeborn fopdoodles who lack the basic intellect to respect their noble superiors."
Link had the perfect line prepared as he sidestepped the slop and passed the fuming noble to replace the brush on its wall hook. "Did anyone ever tell you, Halshaw, you put the nob in nobi… nob in nobility." Damn you drink, screwing up a great line!
"Why you!… wait… what's that smell?" Halshaw's fury was suddenly spliced with suspicion, as he swung round to glare at Link, yet the stewed hero remained oblivious as to the reason as he sarcastically replied. "Don't know. Could be you or it could be…"
"I know that smell!"
"Well then it must be…"
"You're drunk!"
"No I'm not!"
The giants towering form bent double to bring his head closer to the hero's level and he drew a deep disturbing sniff, like a predator honing in on its prey. His eyes bulged as the cogs in his head turned and the pieces of the puzzle began slotting into place. "Premium Eldin Brandy! How did a degenerate welp like you get your hands on…" Then the final piece clicked. "you perfidious thieving snake! It was not enough for you that your meddling cost my father his rightful position as grand general. No, evidently you saw an opportunity to further insult him, by depriving him of his most precious possessions."
"What are you talking about?!"
"Don't play dumb! You stole my father's brandy! I know that smell all too well and I know just how expensive and rare it is. A runt of your standing could never earn enough to buy it, so…"
"Hey, I didn't steal anything, you ass! He gave them to me!"
"My father would never part with them, much less gift them to the likes of you, you lying little shit!"
It was as the fuming giant grabbed his tunic and hoisted him into the air that Link realised he maybe, possibly should have listened to the voice of rationality. Then again, how in Hyrule could he possibly have guessed the pompous git would recognise his father's brandy, particularly in such an already "pungent" environment?!
Halshaw's expression flicked inexplicably from raging inferno to disturbingly calm as he yanked Link to mere inches from his face. "You know what Hedgeborn? I'm feeling generous. you can keep that brandy. I don't care for it anymore than I care about whatever twisted debauchery you and the princess got up to that night. What I do care about is the damage your continued efforts to hide it have done to my family reputation. That's what's important. Bloodline is sacred and its reputation priceless! Yet, as you insist on protecting the illusion of your perfect princess along with your own petty insignificant standing, mine is tainted. So, I have a deal. You can keep your ill-gotten gains, which you should be able to sell for far more than the princess offered you, and in exchange, you will confess to your night of depravity with Her Royal Highness!" Throughout his ultimatum the knight had maintained a voice of frosty calm, only for the icy to be replaced by fire with his final hissing line.
Link stared into his steely grey orbs defiantly. "And if I refuse?" he asked, already predicting the answer.
"Then I'll send you straight back to the infirmary!" The knight snarled, with sufficient ferocity to drench his quarry in spit.
How predictable! Nevertheless, regardless of Lack of originality, it looked like Halshaw had left him just two options: lie, like a coward, to save his own skin at the expense of both his and Zelda's reputations or nobly sacrifice his flesh and blood in defence of a fair damsel's purity. The decision seemed obvious. Protecting Zelda came leagues above his own wellbeing…
There was however, a third option…a trade… a little dishonour for a very satisfying squeal. The last time he'd struck there had been an accident but not this time. He always strived for honourable conduct but, in Halshaw's case, he'd gladly make an exception.
The target was locked.
His boot was ready and in range, unwittingly assisted by his adversary holding him at the perfect height.
"Well?!" Halshaw snapped, unaware of the sudden and excruciating pain coming his way.
Link smirked and held the knights gaze. "Alright, Halshaw, you want a confession, here it is." Ok Cocksure, prepare to sing soprano!
3… 2… 1…
"Up Yo…"
Crash! Splat!
Link's low blow was interrupted by a sudden call of nature, as their equine audience, forgotten in the heat of the fight, played her trump card. With a loud whinny and a well-aimed hoof, Epona flipped the wheelbarrow, spraying its foul contents over the unsuspecting duo. Halshaw's back bore the brunt of the onslaught, as his massive frame proved an effective shield for the still airborne hero. The ambush had taken the unsuspecting duo completely off guard and thus they barely reacted, standing in stunned silence, as the brown slop plastered all available targets.
As the muck settled, the duo continued their staring contest, frozen in a state of shock, while the mare responsible bucked and spun on the spot, whinnying incessantly. Whether it was from agitation or triumph, Link couldn't guess, as he was still rather slow on the uptake, blinking gormlessly at his lock jawed opponent, who seemed to be developing a tremor. The tremor grew… and grew… until it gripped his whole body and Link, still grasped by the tunic, got to share in the localised earthquake. The giant's jaw was finally shaken free of it lock and, still wielding his little green nemesis in one hand, he whirled to the rebellious mare and roared "YOU… STUPID… LOATHESOME… UNTAMED… BEAST! I am Sir Eddengrin Halshaw, son of Lord Dorian Halshaw, master of…"
"Ahem, Gentlemen…" Halshaw's complexion flashed from red to white in the same span that it took for Link's stomach to sink into his boots and they both shot their mortified gazes to the stall entrance. Princess Zelda, ever elegant and immaculate, stood in the doorway, her lips a gaunt line, representing the thin ice they were clearly on, while her brows, heavy and thunderous, heralded the storm that awaited them, should they fail to fall in line.
While her voice betrayed little, staid, calm and flawlessly enunciated as always, warning and disapproval were carried in her words as she addressed them, "If you two are done behaving like rutting stags, perhaps you would not mind conjuring some semblance of civility and return to this place the peace and decorum it requires. You can start by releasing…"
"But your highness, He stole…"
"Your fathers brandy. Yes, I heard, and if it turns out to be true it will be up to your father to bring charges. It is not, however, up to you and it does not justify your deplorable conduct. Such posturing and aggression may impress some in the arena, but this Is not the training yard, this is not a duel and you have no audience to play to. So, this display is pointless. It only serves to agitate the horses."
"Now look here…"
"Interrupt me again, Sir Halshaw and I'll make sure one of my guards summons an audience and given your current condition I highly doubt you desire witnesses."
The knight fell silent and instantly dropped Link, who, ambushed by his sudden reunion with ground, promptly tripped straight into the water trough, face first. The shock of his impromptu dunking worked wonders for Link's sobriety, but the real shock came when, having removed his head from the water, he witnessed the giant's legitimately cowed expression. After the man's endless, seemingly irrepressible displays of his vainglory and victim complex in the training yard, even in the face of multiple defeats, he would have never imagined him surrendering it, especially in front of the princess. There he stood, back plastered with horse manure, facing the very two people who, as far as he was concerned, were responsible for putting him in this position, and yet he offered no rebuke, no snide remark and no protest. Why?
If Zelda was pondering that question, she certainly didn't show it, her visage softening by the slightest of degrees while her voice remained cool and imperious. "Good, nice to see that your courtly manners have not entirely deserted you Sir Halshaw. I did not come here expecting to find men demonstrating less civility than their horses. Now…" Her gaze flickered to Halshaw and she clicked her tongue. "You wish to speak Sir Halshaw?"
"Ahem, with all due respect, your highness, why then did you come here?" The knight's tone still carried a trace of his characteristic snideness but it was far less concentrated than Link had ever heard before.
"The purpose of my visit was threefold. Firstly, I wished to visit my stead, in what I had hoped would be a peaceful serene environment. Secondly, being that I was in the vicinity, I intended to pass on a message to Sir Link…" She turned her gaze to him "regarding his punishment which, following this incident, looks like it will require an extension…"
Link struggled to suppress his consternation at this apparent betrayal. How had any of this been his fault?! True, he had repeatedly insulted the knight, but really, he had it coming. Despite this he managed to hold his tongue, unlike Halshaw…
"And what of the…" The knight blurted, only to freeze as the princess arched a brow in warning. "Sorry" he mumbled and lowered his gaze
Zelda let the moment hang as she regarded the knight enigmatically. After a few seconds she nodded. "Proceed, Sir Halshaw."
"What of his horse?" He enquired, trying his best to conceal indignation.
"What of her?" she replied placidly.
"Well it blatantly deliberately attacked an esteemed member of the court. For that it too deserves punishment."
"Is that so, Hmmm? Tell me, Sir Halshaw, you have a horse, do you not?"
"Err yes. Among the finest in the land." He answered, somewhat bemused as to the question's relevance.
"A pure bred Lanayru stallion named Caesar, correct. An impressive breed."
"Obviously, Pure bred Lanayru's destriers are world renowned. I would not settle for anything less" Halshaw, despite his dishevelled appearance, puffed up with pride. It seemed the knight would jump at literally any opportunity to boast!
"Indeed, it is no surprise you take such great pride in him. Now, would you say that he is loyal and trusty stead?"
"Of course. Loyalty is a horse's greatest virtue. A horse without is just a beast."
Zelda's eyes held a gleam of triumph as she closed her trap. "And yet you called Link's mare a loathsome untamed beast and demand punishment, all for demonstrating the very virtue you prize most. A noble mare acts to protect her master as any loyal stead would, despite suffering great distress…" Link glanced at the noble mare in question, who was clearly "the picture definition of traumatised", ruminated on a mouthful of hay with all the urgency and distress of Mayor Bo on a hot day, while she watched the proceedings with equal nonchalance. Yeah. She wasn't exactly selling her part, not that she'd signed up for it anyway, but Zelda certainly was. "… and yet you would have her punished?!"
Halshaw opened his mouth to argue but quickly closed it again, realising that the princess had effectively corned him. After some pitiful meaningless sputters, the knight begrudgingly accepted defeat. "Well, at least it's master will get his punishment." He muttered to console himself. "So, what is it?"
"The specifics are not your concern."
"But…"
"Sir Halshaw, Justice is sacred and as royal princess it is my sacred duty to ensure that justice is delivered to its fullest extent, as befits the crime. Rest assured, Link will be punished to the fullest extent his transgression allows, however you are not obligated to know the details, particularly given your own involvement in the incident"
"Your highness! This…"
"Do I need to fetch an audience, Sir Halshaw?"
The knight bit his lip but dropped his protest, adopting of a manner of weary obsequiousness. "No, Your Highness. I will trust justice to be done… Now if her highness has no further need of me, I humbly request to be relieved from my current duties to recover some semblance of dignity."
"Certainly, Sir Halshaw. Once we have concluded here, I grant you release from your duties for the rest of the day…" The knight was instantly suspicious, given the princess's abrupt switch from cold to overly cordial manner. Link couldn't resist a smile, sensing another trap closing. "Our business however is not yet concluded, as I have yet to complete the third purpose of my being here, namely adjusting YOUR punishment."
"Adjustment?! W. do you mean adjustment?!"
"I have received multiple reports regarding your work, which are far from favourable. Numerous accounts of Substandard efforts, intolerable tardiness and rudeness towards other stable hands, so severe that some have refused to return until your removal, have led me to consider a different task for you."
"But that's not how the duty of reverence works?! You can only assign one task. ONE!"
"Ah, but it is stated in the knightly codex that, should a knight be deemed unfit for the task set, the royal who called upon the duty of reverence has power to assign a new task. Oh, and just to be clear, Sir Halshaw…" She paused for dramatic effect to skewer him with a knowing gaze. "it does not state how many times I can reassign you… just in case your poor performance was some elaborate ploy to escape your duty. But of course, that isn't like you at all, is it?"
Halshaw was utterly aghast, yet he obviously knew there was no escaping his fate. "What then, is my new task?" He hissed through gritted teeth.
Her cool demeanour brightened and her expression drifted closer to the prim princess mask Link knew all too well, complete with subtle smile. "Tomorrow, you will report to the east wing servant's corridor at 8 o'clock sharp and yes, that is in the morning. There you will ask for Phloris Preamer. She will be your new overseer and, rest assured, Sir Halshaw, she WILL get you working."
"But what is my punishment?!"
"That is for me to know and you to find out…" Zelda replied with just a hint of smug satisfaction peeking through her mask. The princess was clearly gleaning as much entertainment as she could from having the giant noble at her mercy. Link too, couldn't deny the warm gratification of watching the show, though whether that was more down to Halshaw's comeuppance or the beautiful princess delivering it, he couldn't say and, quite frankly, he didn't want to know. "Sir Halshaw, you are now dismissed."
The Knight ground his teeth and glared daggers at Zelda but she met it unflinchingly, her small smile unbroken. Link, however, wasn't quite so calm as his eyes caught sight of Halshaw's clenched fists. His entire body tensed and he could feel the familiar protection instinct kicking in.
The staring match continued, as Link's stomach proceeded to tie itself in ever tighter knots. Eventually, after a minute that felt like an hour, Zelda called an end to the proceeds. "You are dismissed, Sir Halshaw. If you require an escort, I'm sure my guards will oblige."
Halshaw's fists unclenched and, without a word, he stomped off towards the castle, carrying the stench of his defeats with him, plain to see as the hero and princess watched him go. Quite frankly, Link was surprised Zelda had shown the fortitude to stand near him for so long without wrinkling her nose in disgust. Nevertheless, while it was fair to say they were both equally glad to see the back of the disgusting knight, he couldn't help wondering whether he was destined to receive a similar tongue lashing from the princess.
"Legate Stanson, Legate Creig, Legate Romah…" Ok, why was she calling her guards over? "Please follow the honourable knight and ensure that he does not make a mess. I suspect he may choose a less than suitable place to clean his clothes to spite me."
"But your highness, that would leave you alone." One guard replied in puzzlement.
"On the contrary, I have the saviour of the kingdom for company. Surely, I could ask for no better protection."
"But, errr, your highness, he's off active duty due to injury." Another piped up nervously.
"Legates!" She snapped, her mask cracking, revealing the exasperation she'd so valiantly suppressed.
"Yes" they said in unison, jolting to attention
"It was an order, not a request. Now get after him before he uses the fountain of Nayru in the palace gardens as a laundrette."
Her guards, still visibly baffled, nevertheless obeyed and dashed off in pursuit. Once they were out of sight the princess let out a long beleaguered sigh and swirled round, graceful as only a princess could be, to face the hero, wearing her unreadable mask. He, nevertheless, sought to decipher it. Her prim and proper smile was in place. Her blue orbs were a mist covered ocean with unfathomable currents which pulled him in, without letting him know their direction. Her brows, often quirked in some manner of subtle emotion, were perfectly placid.
Was it the drink or was she looking even more stunning today? Ok, why was he even considering when he was facing the prospect of the greatest tongue lashed he'd ever had the misfortune of receiving!
After a brief silence, where they exchanged nothing more than their gazes, Zelda click her eloquent tongue and shook her head. "Honestly, Sir Link, would it have been too much to ask for a few days respite before stirring up another diplomatic incident?"
"I'm sorry, your highness." He replied ruefully, averting his gaze.
"Please correct me if my memory is play tricks on me, but I cannot shake the vague recollection that I, maybe, juuuuust possibly bequeathed unto you multiple warnings on multiple occasions and via multiple mediums, advising you to watch your words and deeds when interacting with the court. Mmmm?"
"Yes, your highness… Sir Halshaw was just making it so difficult to follow."
"Oh, believe me, I understand, however you must learn to suppress that urge to strangle every man jack of them, if, as I very much hope, you are to rise to the rank of knight yourself. Given your last encounter and your current "condition" though, I appreciate such a task would seem nigh on impossible to one not used to such circumstances. That does not, however, excuse the consequences."
"I'm sorry, your highness."
She sighed again. "Apology accepted Link, though forgiveness does not negate your punishment."
Her admonishment halted for a moment, as she turned her gaze to the cloudless blue above. Delicate gloved fingers sought out her necklace of the goddesses and pensively toyed with the sapphire pendant of her patron goddess, while she seemed to ponder. "Sometimes I wonder… are all these trials just chance or are we both merely at the mercy of the machinations of the goddesses, engineering these events so as to test their chosen. Then, of course, along comes an incident like this to shatter such foolish notions, as, if they engineered such inconveniences for anything, it could only be their own amusement…" Zelda's gaze returned to Link, dispelling his nerves with a warm glint of amusement and the subtlest trace of a smirk. "I have to say Link, for all my wisdom, I cannot fathom how they conspired to get you so thoroughly sotted!"
"Hey, I'm not THAT bad and it's not like I intended to get drunk. Besides, does it really show?"
The princess chuckled. "Oh, it shows and even if it didn't, it possesses a perfume I can recognise even among this vibrant cacosmia. It is a cologne even less suited to you than the venerable Lord Halshaw, who appeared to treasure it almost as much as his family estate… Did he really give you the brandy?"
"Err yeah. I stumbled upon him overseeing the last of his things being moved out of his office and at the end of a… rather awkward conversation he said he didn't want it anymore and told me to take it."
Zelda was pensive for a moment, before murmuring, more to herself than Link "Maybe the rumours are true. Perhaps there is some hope for him." Then her attention snapped back to the him. "Well that's good to hear. It soothes my heart to know that you will not soon be facing trial for theft."
"Talk about SOON. I hope I NEVER have to face trial for theft! I'm no thief."
"Indeed." She nodded before clearing her throat and settling into her comfortable small smile he knew. "Now that the unpleasant implications of your little altercation have been dealt with, we can move on to the real reason of my visit. How are you, Link?"
"Wait, what about my punishment?"
"Oh, that! That is merely a side topic and one which feels highly unpalatable at the moment. My primary intentions for coming here were always to check up on your recovery, which, I fear, your little fall back there may have jeopardised. Are you alright Link?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I mean, it's true that without the brandy it still hurts but I've had worse."
"All the same Link, I would ask you to take your recovery slowly and not push yourself, if not for your own benefit, then as a favour to me. Please."
Link, for all his pent-up wanderlust, begrudgingly accepted, unable to refuse such a compassionate plea from the princess. "As you wish, your highness."
"Please Link, we are alone. It is just us and Epona and she will not tell. Ah, that reminds me…" She dug into a small satchel slung from her shoulder and produced an apple. "A gift for a faithful stead, a reward for protecting her esteemed master."
Epona, who'd slipped into a disinterested stupor, mindlessly chew hay in the shade of the back of the stall, suddenly jolted to attention, eyes and ears locking on to the princess and her gift. The mare played it casual as she trotted over with a soft nicker, but her eagerness was obvious as she gorged on the fruit in the princess's hand. Zelda's smile grew seeing how well her gift was received and she began to pamper the mare with pats and compliments.
Link watched on with amusement and a growing smile of his own. He chuckled wryly "Hmmhm, you wouldn't be so flattering had you seen her earlier. Honestly, I'm surprised she intervened after her legendary strop earlier. Besides I'm not convinced she wasn't aiming for me as much as Halshaw."
"Oh Link, how could you say such a thing?! Epona is noble, faithful and utterly innocent of such horseplay." Zelda protested in mock indignation.
"Really, and how would you know more about her motives than her master?"
"Because she is a lady, like me and all ladies preserve the upmost decorum and never resort to such naughtiness."
"Ha, well I'm still slightly surprised she'd step in to protect me, after how mad she was before and just how mad Cocksure was…" Link winced when he accidental let that crass nickname slip out. His chagrin was quickly replaced by bewitched fascination as the prim princess giggled.
She caught his expression and her giggle increased, leading the bedazzled hero to blush. "it is not the first time I have heard that nickname but it must be the funniest. You should have more faith in her Link. You know, my father had a saying; A noble stead may at times disagree, but when in need, there is no more trusted company."
Goddesses, she was beautiful! "Beautiful…" The word slipped forth thoughtlessly before rationality could stop it and suddenly his heart was in his mouth. crap! Quick, do something! "um, a beautiful saying, your highness."
Link tried to read her reaction to see if she noticed his slip. If she had, she gave nothing away, her only discernible reaction being a wrinkling of her nose at his use of her title. This provided the hero with an escape as he desperately sought to leave that topic behind, lest she question further.
"Sorry, Zelda. Force of habit. Speaking of which, you sent off the guards in case Halshaw used Nayru's fountain to wash his clothes. Do you think he'd really do it?"
"Well, it is "theoretically" possible…"
"Theoretically?"
"Yes… if he completely lost his sanity."
"So, you lied?"
"Perish the thought. It is not completely beyond the realms of possibility. Indeed, I was inspired by the recollection that it has already been used for just such a purpose… To clean a charmingly distinctive green hat, which is conspicuously absent from your person, dear hero."
Link's hand flew to his head before he remembered he'd left it in his room. "Oh yeah, I er, chose not to wear it. Something told me it might get messy, not the whole thing with Halshaw, just… other stuff."
"Ah and you were right to do so. If you had deigned to bring it, it would likely now be ruined and I would be faced with a future without the pleasure of seeing you don it once more. It brings out something in you."
"Yes, it brings out my ears" Link couldn't resist a gest and was rewarded with an equally irresistible giggle from the princess.
Voice still ringing with amusement, she playfully chastised him. "Now, now Link, do not mock such fine Hylian ears."
"I wasn't mocking them. It's true! The hat really does highlight my ears. At the start I only wore the hat because it came with the rest of the hero get up and I wondered whether it might possess some magic power. Then I found out… it did. You know, It's the only thing capable of taming my hair. Also, at least during my adventure, it showed an almost supernatural ability to remain on my head, regardless of what I was doing. So I wore it to control these crazy locks and, naturally, less shaggy hair means more ear on show. After a while it just became habit."
Zelda appeared pensive for a moment as she listened only for her mirth to reveal itself once more with her reply "Hmm, see, I thought Bernard tamed your hair most spectacularly."
"He didn't tame it! He destroyed it!"
"Only because he was following an ill-suited trend. He IS a legitimately great artist in his field and I'm sure, if allowed to work with your hair rather than rigid fashion rules, he could create a cultured coiffure approved of by all."
It was at this point, with talk of coiffures and ears, that Link suddenly realised just how off course the ship of conversation had drifted and was at risk of sinking in the oceans of triviality. He wouldn't have minded such a fate, and was in truth rather enjoying himself, however the unresolved matter of his punishment nagged incessantly in the back of his mind. It was time for a course correction. He just hoped he didn't scupper the ship on the rocks of the princess's ire.
"Anyway, isn't it about time you finally revealed my punishment?"
Zelda barely batted an eye at the sudden change of subject. She glanced away towards the castle, briefly pondering her answer. When she turned back, her small smile came with a devilish glint in her sapphire orbs. "Mmmm, no. No, I do not think so."
"What! Why not?"
Her answer was all too bright, clearly taking please in toying with him. "Oh, it is entirely in the interest of fairness and justice. I did not reveal Sir Halshaw's punishment and therefore it would be most hypocritical of me to reveal yours. Consider it punishment for today's incident, by keeping you in suspense."
"Hardly seems "fair" to me?"
"Are you questioning my wisdom, Link? Epona agrees with me, do you not, milady?"
The mare replied with a hearty neigh, though its translation was rendered unreliable, as Zelda slyly coaxed her into a nod with a little help from the remains of the apple in her hand.
"See? She agrees with me. The wise mare and I are of one mind."
"Oh really, then perhaps I should try bribing YOU with apples and compliments, maybe start calling you "good girl" instead of princess." Link quipped wryly, momentarily elated at producing a witty riposte in her presence.
Zelda, however, would not be beaten and without missing a beat, winked and replied impishly. "You can keep the apples but I certainly would not object to some compliments."
The noble hero's cheeks burst into flame and thus, the conversation was scuppered, not by the princess's ire but by her teasing. His only response was to sputter like a broken gutter, struggling in vain to find a more meaningful reply that didn't have him sinking ever deeper into the sea of embarrassment. Zelda watched on, her small smile never revealing more than mild amusement, though Link was sure he spied, despite her best efforts to conceal it, a firework display going off in her eyes.
As the moments dragged by, the princess showed no inclination to put him out of his misery, simply savouring his flustered embarrassment with sly amusement. "Well, Link, I'm waiting. You do know it's most rude to keep a lady waiting?"
What in Hyrule could he possibly say?!
Time itself came to the floundering hero's rescue, chiming the hour before he had a chance to answer. Saved by the bell!
Zelda pouted and her gaze drifted to the far away tower. "Oh time, you do have such a habit of spoiling my day." She murmured and then, with a disappointed sigh, she turned back to him. "Forgive me dear hero, but unfortunately even a princess is a slave to time and mine is fast fading. I must grab what is left to greet my own valiant stead before my duties whisk me away once more to the company of stuffy conceited oafs."
While Link was glad of the interruption, he couldn't deny a pang of disappointment at the prospect of the princess's imminent departure, blurting out "You know, you could always introduce me to them."
"Much as I would appreciate your continued company, I also wish for you to make a good first impression. If you meet him wearing your current cologne, he's likely to dismiss you as just another member of the court, which would be a major discredit to your personage. Please Link, promise me you'll be more careful with drink in future."
Oh, after his disastrous slips today, he was damn sure he'd be careful! "As you wish, Zelda. I'm sorry… about earlier."
"Hmm, you are forgiven. May the goddesses bless you with a speedy recovery. You'll keep him in check, wont you Epona?" The mare nickered. Farewell drawing to a close Zelda bowed, hand on heart and Link returned the gesture. "We will meet again soon hero, of this I can guarantee. Until then, take care of yourself."
"You too, Princess."
"You can start by getting yourself cleaned up and getting some rest Link. Epona, make sure he does."
The princess gave him one last smiling look, before gliding away across the paddock. Link watched her go, relief and disappointment vying for dominance at the sight of her departure. On the one hand he was glad that he had no more chances to slip up in her presence, yet on the other weighed the undeniable pleasure of her company and not just for her charm. As per usual, his heart was making a fuss over her appearance, despite his best efforts to shut it up.
Speaking of her appearance, it couldn't be the wisest decision to wear such an elegant dress to the stables of all places. Then again, being, as she so eloquently phrased it, a slave to time, she probably wouldn't have the chance if she chose to change. He watched the gentle flow of the skirt as she daintily lifted it to aid her through the hazardous terrain. Hang on, was that her bare ankles!
He hastily moved his gaze upwards to avoid such sacrilege, only for a single thought to commit far worse as it reached her derriere, stirring an unwanted memory. "even 'er royal 'ighness's fancy frippery can do little to disguise her cush tush." The words echoed in his head and he slammed his eyes shut. "Farore have mercy!"
"Mmmm, Link? Did you say something?" Zelda's soft tones enquired with concern.
Link's eyes flew open. "Huh, what, oh, I was just… talking to Epona." Epona, who had been watching Zelda's departure beside him in the stall entrance, turned pricked ears and a beady eye in his direction in subtle accusation but didn't snitch him out. The princess probed briefly with an uncertain gaze before giving a reverent nod and returning to her journey.
Damn that drink and damn his heart! Ok, he just had to play it casual till she was out of sight. Just lean on the gate and ponder your existence.
Zelda reached a stall at the far end and slipped out of view. Phew, now he could… Hey Epona, what are you doing?!
"Girl, you can't turn here! There's not enough spaaaaAAAAAAACCCCCEEEE!"
Splash!
As water soaked through his pants and his tunic Link was struck by a serious case of déjà vu, glaring up at a thoroughly smug mare. She did that on purpose!
"Epona, That's not what the princess meant when she told me to get cleaned up!"
The mare sniggered, joined from across the paddock by an unfettered feminine laugh.
Link considered praying to the goddesses only to realise that they were probably laughing too. It seemed Zelda was right. Today really was engineered for their amusement.
The female of the species… evil to the core!