Hey, guys! Long time no see! I hope everyone is doing well and making it through the onslaught of this virus. Things have been pretty scary in my neck of the woods, but we're all trying to take it one day at a time. Please keep yourselves and others that might be at a higher risk than you safe by social distancing and washing your hands after you return from any populated areas. The only way we're going to get through this is by getting through it together.

9. PRESSURE

The world seemed a little clearer when I got out of that lake. A little more renewed. Almost like I'd been baptized in the mountain water, and maybe I was. Washing away all of that blood felt like I was washing away the remaining horrors of my old life. I could finally start things new. But I would still have scars from it. The thick band around my shoulder was the physical proof, the representation of everything still healing inside.

At least my hair smelled more like soap than iron. That was a start.

And I could change into new clothes: more leggings, an oversized hoodie supporting the Forks High Spartans –

They were my clothes.

I pressed the hoodie up to my face and breathed in. I wanted to taste the scent lingering within the fabric. Beneath sap and pine, I found something soft and sweet, like peonies, which was kind of ironic. It smelled like springtime and joy, of things I barely remembered now. And somehow that was what I must have smelled like to a vampire. Did I still smell like that now? Or did I smell more like rust, or like the smoke from James's burning body?

Maybe I would find out one day, but for now I was more concerned with a different scent. Malted barley and safety called to me like nothing else. It burned at me in a different way than bloodlust.

I tried to focus on the way my old clothes slipped over my new body, and how the fabric felt against my skin. Did it fit the same as it had when I was human? I couldn't remember. I wished I could. I ran my fingers through my hair, testing the new silkiness in every strand as I combed out the tangles and knots. Most locks were bound in tight spirals or loose waves. All of me felt smooth and soft, maybe even too perfect. It made me afraid to look at my face in any reflective surface. I still didn't know what I actually looked like. I wasn't ready to know, not when there was so much else to get used to.

Including the female vampire that refused to leave my side, even while I got out of the lake to get dressed.

Charlotte sat on a rock outcropping overlooking the water. Shafts of sunlight pouring out from the holes in the clouds shone on her skin, making one side of her sparkle with iridescent flecks. I would study her when she wasn't looking, still awed by her skin's reaction to the light. Out of all things, we really glittered in sunshine? I guessed it was better than exploding or burning to a crisp or… whatever else people said vampires did. I didn't know. I wasn't really into that kind of stuff when I was human, but maybe I needed to start, because all of it couldn't be wrong. Especially when they got it right about vampires being real.

I straightened up to my feet, looking to the woods at the exact moment Charlotte turned to look at me. "I'm going back," I said. I grabbed the backpack and slung it over my shoulders, moving too fast, making the bag swing hard across my back. By the time it settled in place between my shoulders, Charlotte was next to me.

She was a little shorter than me, peering up at me with burgundy eyes that made me bristle. She killed humans, way more than I had, but to her I was still the monster. "Then let's go," she replied, her tone irritatingly bright. What would it be like to throw her through a tree?

I turned and ran before I could find out. My form whistled through the woods, easily following the scent I'd been dying to fall into ever since I left the arms of the one who carried it.

He was still waiting in the clearing with the other male vampire. They were talking, speaking that other language – Spanish – that curled seductively in my ears. I skidded to a stop, my toes digging into the soft soil as soon as I was close enough. Then my brain short-circuited. I didn't even know that could still happen. Weren't vampires supposed to be infallible?

Why did that even matter? Right now, Jasper was shirtless, and that required my complete attention.

My hair whipped around my head. I scrambled to push it aside before strands fluttered in front of my eyes to obscure my view. I drank in his lean lines littered with even more bite marks, cataloguing all of it to memory so I would know it as well as my own body when I got the chance to touch him –

Then I saw the massive gash on his side. The one I felt when I kissed him earlier. It was all mottled scar tissue, like someone ripped an entire chunk from him, mangled it up, and stuck it back. Somehow, he'd gone through all that pain, and Charlotte still said I nearly killed him. Me. I hurt him when I was supposed to be the one…

For his sake. It had to end for his sake.

"How was the water?" Jasper asked, breaking the spell. Still shirtless. Still devastating me with how perfect he was until I got to his eyes. Molten gold and endless, staring at me like I was the only thing in the universe. I never thought someone could look at me like that when I was human, I couldn't believe he could now that I'd become… this.

He also just asked a question, and I knew I'd taken too long to answer because his expression was turning bemused. Maybe even a little smug. Wicked male.

Two could play at that game. I straightened up and ran my fingers through my hair, fluffing it out behind me. "Refreshing," I answered primly, hoping my voice portrayed complete and utter disinterest, but it didn't stop my treacherous eyes from sweeping over his form again. Just one more time.

"Well my bath was fantastic, thank none of you for asking," a deep, rolling male voice intruded in our space, shattering the moment. I arched a brow at the male in question, broad and dark haired, looming nearby and wearing jeans and an open jacket, exposing his bare chest. It was also marred by as many bite marks as Jasper had, maybe more. It forced me to remember Charlotte's words, how they'd all been through this before down south. What was down south? "Where's Char?"

Why? Was he worried? Was my killing James the cruelest thing he'd ever seen, too? "Catching up," I said.

Then the forest behind me rustled. To the human ear, I was sure it sounded like nothing more than wind through the leaves, but it signaled Charlotte's approach. She zipped into the area and needed to take a few steps to slow down. A clumsy stop, like she'd been running faster than her usual. Had she been trying to keep up?

"Jesus, you're fast," she said, eyes wide with disbelief. "Why didn't you just run from them?"

Because I didn't know I could. But even then, would I have left them? That was the point of her question. Another jab to gauge how much of James's monster stood before them. Another test. I was so tired of being tested. A growl surged up from my throat and made the air around us boil. Peter slowly stepped up behind her, hovering, watching me with guarded eyes.

Then Jasper was behind me, setting his hands on my shoulders. Was it to comfort me? To ground me? To restrain me because he didn't trust me to end the violence? The last question made my skin crawl. It cut the feral noise off, but I still glared at Charlotte. "We're going to Denali to get more supplies and meet with the coven there, if you'd like to join us," he said.

"We're still going to Ontario," Peter said, glancing between Jasper and me. I was almost excited by the response until I realized Charlotte looked like she'd won a damn prize. "But we'll join you for a ways."

Great. Just great.

Peter looked just as enthused as I felt. "Maybe it'll give us a chance to… warm up to each other."

I doubted that.

"Maybe," Jasper said. The weight of the backpack on my shoulders suddenly disappeared. I turned around, finding him (still shirtless) rummaging through its contents until he pulled out a gray T-shirt. He dropped the backpack to put it on, much to my equal parts relief and dismay. "Seems like we're gonna need more supplies."

"We can collect those and our next meal," Charlotte said. I was too busy trying to be covert in studying the way the thin cotton draped over Jasper's toned stomach to hear what she said, but when the shirt fell in place, it clicked. I stiffened. "Is she all right? I thought her whole thing was being the most dramatic death bringer or whatever. Wasn't that the creep's whole point in changing her –?"

Icy, gut-wrenching rage cut her words short. It silenced everyone. Jasper's hand was on my shoulder again, his grip tight. Almost painful. It would've shattered my bones if I was still human. "Char," he said. It was all he needed to say.

Charlotte glared back at him, like fire to his ice, but Peter gently knocked his shoulder into hers. "Come on. Seems like someone's getting hangry. We'll regroup in a couple hours."

They only left a rustle in the leaves behind.

I waited in the remaining silence for five seconds. That was all Jasper would allow before he turned me around. His eyes were warm, nothing like the emotion he speared out seconds before. "Hey," he murmured.

I knew I didn't have tears anymore, but I still wanted to cry. My throat was itchy and tight. Pressure that used to be behind my eyes and would force the tears to well up was now in my head, pounding and unrelenting. "I didn't mean to kill them," I said. My own voice wavered in the air. "I didn't – didn't want to."

"I know," he said. His fingers ghosted along my shoulders, featherlight and soothing. "I know."

He said he knew, but I was still drowning in the concept of his uncertainty. Charlotte's pompous looks, her words from the lake… "Do you?" I asked. I grabbed at his arms, holding on like I was actually going to physically get pulled under by it all. "It's over – I meant it – I won't –"

"Easy," he said, running his fingers down the side of my face with one hand. The other found my waist and pulled me into him. Our physical connection was all so easy now, nothing like the uncertain way we danced around each other before. I would hold onto that – hold onto him, the possibility of us, whenever that time would come – with all my newfound strength and old stubbornness combined. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest. "It's okay. She's just trying to rile you up."

I remembered I used to be able to handle that. I used to love the idea of people thinking they could get under my skin so I could prove them wrong. But that was when I used to feel invincible. Now I knew how fleeting any existence could be. The thought of losing any more lives was a real fear of mine now now. Charlotte provoking that thought was too much for me to handle.

I leaned back and held onto his wrist, to keep his hand on my face, to ease the frustrating emotions tangling in my chest and making it heavy. "I'm sorry," I whispered. Because I was still sorry for so, so many things.

Jasper leaned down, pressing his forehead against mine. He sighed and closed his eyes. "I wish you knew you didn't have to be."

I closed my eyes too, focusing completely on the tempo of his breath and the quiet forest around us. It eased the tightness in my chest and made the world go quiet. For a moment, it could just be us.

But then fire seared up and down my throat, ruining the moment. When I opened my eyes, I needed blood. Jasper's arms loosened around me, as if he could sense the change. Maybe he could. "Let's go," he said, stepping back.

My shoulders dropped. The world felt a little colder without him in my arms. But then it heated up when I breathed in and realized how thirsty I was. I cupped my throat in my hand, even though I knew that wouldn't get rid of the pain. "Will it ever stop?"

"No, but it will get easier," he promised me. "Right now you shouldn't ignore the instinct. Come on."

He leaned the backpack against a rock before he tore off into the forest, knowing full well I could catch up. At least I could be trusted to do that much. I hopped once on my toes before vaulting after him, cutting through even more forest like a knife. It only took a minute to catch up with him and match his powerful strides step for step. His hair was slicked back along his head in the wind, curls fluttering against his cheek when he turned to look at me, a daring glint in his eye that sent a burst of joy through me. He pushed off the ground harder, making him go a little faster, and I laughed. I laughed because he thought he could beat me. I released my full speed and shot ahead, just to prove I could.

As we crossed more miles, that familiar tang coated the air along with the pounding I timed my steps to. In increments, I could feel the monster James created take over, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop it. That joy turned into dread in a matter of seconds. I ripped off my hoodie and chucked it aside before it was too late. Before I could ruin it with more blood and gore. As soon as it was off, leaving me in a sports bra and wind cutting across my bare skin, the rage furled out through my limbs and my senses. Everything became heightened, too intense… and then I was shut out. I lost control as soon as I came on a herd of deer.

But I could still see everything, like the deer's wide eyes, flailing legs, fur and flesh giving way to muscle and bone and blood. I could still hear everything, like their frightened bleats and groans of agony from kills not fully executed. I was too thirsty to worry about ending their suffering first.

Five deer died drowning in their own blood under my hands. Did I look like them before I died? Terrified, choking on blood, where the only noises I could manage were daring the hunter to make me like him? I licked the blood dripping off my fingers as I regarded them, forcing myself to come to terms with it all. We may have started out the same, but I was a wholly different creature now.

Jasper took the final three with far less fanfare, and probably more compassion. My body was slick and hot with crimson, while he was pristine except for a small stain on the corner of his mouth. I sighed, the breath rattling with half-consumed blood in the back of my throat. I swallowed past it, quelling the fire in my throat, before I spoke. "How do you do that?"

He knew what I meant. "Practice." He smoothed the blood away with the pad of his thumb before pressing it against his lips and licking it away. I had to swallow again. "Time. You'll get there soon. We'll work on it when we reach Denali."

I finally looked down at my body, at the blood slathered across it. I huffed. "I'm probably so embarrassing."

"You're a newborn," Jasper said.

"But that's not why Charlotte or Peter are scared of me," I said.

"No." His answer was immediate. He wouldn't deny me, even if I would hate the answers. "They see the result of the potential James saw in you."

"Did you see it, too?" I asked.

Something glinted in his eyes. His suspicion prickled over my skin. "What are you asking?"

"You knew who I was from the beginning," I said. "Before I was even born. But you didn't change me. Was that because I'm so… so evil you knew even vampires would think I was a monster? Did Alice see that –?"

"No! God no," Jasper said, but my throat was getting tight again. "You're not evil, Blaire. You're just a newborn. You're not any different than any of us."

"Then why me?" I demanded. "Why did he have to pick me?"

"I…" His shoulders slumped. "I wish I knew."

The pressure was building up in my head again. The grief started weighing me down next, making my knees weak.

"But I do know you've always been strong. What he may have chosen you for is the exact same reason why you beat him. You won, Blaire," Jasper said. There was a fierceness to his words that made me feel a little less hollowed out. Like I still had some fight in me left. "You just need time to work through it all in your own way. Fuck anyone who thinks otherwise."

Even Charlotte? His best friend since… forever? I hardly believed it.

"I was a newborn too," he went on, "and I've dealt with enough since to know the motions. You're doing just fine."

I frowned. "Dealt with enough? What does that mean?"

A stilted emotion hit me in jagged waves. It was trepidation, lingering around us like a fog. My frown deepened. Jasper's did too. "I promise I'll tell you, but… I need time, too."

"Okay," I said, because it really was. It seemed we both had things to get through in our own ways. "I'm here."

I always would be.

The corner of his mouth twitched up for a second before it flattened out again. I couldn't even smile back, but it didn't mean I was unhappy. I felt more… secure. Like maybe we were meant to balance out whatever weight each of us carried.

A chilly mountain breeze tore through the woods, cooling the blood on my body and making it stick. I cringed. "I think I need another lake –"

Vibrant red glinted in the trees behind Jasper. Charlotte's eyes were a dead giveaway amongst all the brown and green as she crept up behind him, teeth bared, looking more like a monster than I could ever be, as she readied herself to attack Jasper.

Jasper followed my look, frowning. "Char –?"

She sprung with a snarl, but I crossed the distance and pulled her down before she even made it off the ground.

Then things went… crazier.

V

Yes, I'm sorry, life happens and so do plot twists. We'll get to the goods I promise. Trust me, I think I'm more tired of the drama than Blaire is. But I wrote myself into this situation, so a girl's gotta write herself out.

If no one has checked in with you yet, this is me checking in. Comment to let me know how you're doing. Love y'all.

Also, if you're bored and trying to find stuff to do, I'll be posting some fun content on the ko-fi page! One of our fellow readers, TalkingChaos, has made AMAZING aesthetics for our favorite character and she's given me permission to post them! So wander by that way if you find yourself needing pretty, moody, bloody things to look at. She's amazing.