So on my ko-fi, I said I'm working on update(s) as in more than one, and I totally am. This is the first one. I'm still working on the next one, but I'm stuck on how to write it. I don't want to end things on yet ANOTHER cliff-hanger, because I feel bad about how many I've been doing in this story. I promise it's not my intention to annoy you guys, it's just that I feel like everything Blaire is going through right now deserves it's own "moment" (aka chapter) where she can process and adapt, then move onto the next thing.

Blaire's transformation is just another foil of Bella's: while Bella's was mostly glazed over and romanticized, Blaire's is more brutal. I go into the nitty-gritty of things, which is awesome in the long run because it means more content, but is also frustrating because cliffangerz~

ANYWAY. I was originally going to wait on posting this chapter until I finished the next, but I'd appreciate some feedback. The next chapter can go one of two ways. The first being a looooooong chapter. The second being two short chapters with more content in each one, but an inevitable cliffhanger because I'm a monster I guess. I'll let you decide.

In the meantime, I appreciate your patience and support. I know the wait sucks. 2020 has been a difficult year for everyone, and I'm not an exception. I'm just one person behind a keyboard doing the best I can.

And, as per my new usual, I want to leave an additional note to remind you my updates also act as check-ins. I hope you're doing okay.

11. MASK

IT FELT LIKE A PUNCH in my stomach. Winding me. Crushing me.

I couldn't focus on anything other than the way their lips brushed, feeling that small touch like vicious flames in my own heart.

It hurt. It hurt so much.

Part of me wanted to rip the hair out of the female's skull, but most of me wanted to throw myself off the cliff Jasper and I just climbed up. I bet Charlotte would've called that progress. To me, it felt more like giving up. It felt like losing the tentative footing I'd found in all this chaos, and I was so tired of trying to hold on.

Jasper turned his head to the side as soon as they touched and stepped out from the other vampire's reach. "Tanya." His voice sounded strained. Good. A sadistic part of me relished in his discomfort prickling along my skin. "This is Blaire."

Tanya reminded me of Rosalie, from the little blurry memories I had of her. Same long, wavy hair – though hers had an interesting pink hue woven into the golden strands – same model-like physique. Her smile was as brilliant as the snow around us. "Hello! How did you two meet?"

In a high school parking lot, where I should've realized my life would never be the same as soon as I saw him.

"In Forks, the day after Edward left when he discovered his singer," Jasper said before I could even come up with a response. "I'm hers."

What a laughable explanation – to human ears, anyway. To Tanya, it explained everything. Her smile disappeared in that instant. Her eyes went comically wide. How did a phrase like that have such a deep, universal meaning? "Oh God," she whispered. It was barely more than a breeze. "I'm so sorry –"

I looked away.

"I… Alice said you were coming, so I wanted to meet you," she went on. The name sparked a strange sense of comfort and dread in me at the same time. She was familiar. Patterned Gucci booties and pearls that glistened under a bedside lamp at midnight. She was another ex of Jasper's. "I should have listened to the rest of her call."

I was more focused on the bottom of the cliff than her nervous explanation.

"Does the rest of the coven know we're here?" Jasper asked, thankfully changing the subject.

"Yes," Tanya said quickly. Her eyes were even quicker to dart away when I finally looked back at her. "I'll take you to them now. I… I'll let you catch up."

She turned and ran, kicking up snow and ice that shimmered like diamonds in her wake. I sighed. My breath came out in a shuttering cloud.

I expected Jasper's touch as soon as she was far enough away. His hands were featherlight on my shoulders, gently turning me to face him. I refused to meet his eyes. "I promise I was about to tell you."

"Is there anyone else?" I asked. "In that house, I mean. I just want to know so I'm not surprised."

"No," he said quickly. "You have to know that was such a long time ago. There's nothing between us –"

I fixed a glare on him. "Nothing?"

He let go so fast – like I burned him. I hated myself for it immediately. He glared down at his shoes and raked a hand through his hair. "Not… emotionally. I'm sorry, I really thought I'd have more time to explain."

He was. I could feel his remorse in waves, but I didn't want any of it. I looked back the way Tanya ran. I could barely see her form through the mist of freshly upturned snow. I didn't want to follow her. But I was so close to an actual house. To Bella.

Jasper made it sound like wherever we were going would be safe. I'd be able to talk to Bella again, but what would we even talk about? I couldn't stomach telling her what I'd become. I couldn't… tell her everything I'd done. It would mean reliving all of it just when I thought I was getting away. It would mean telling her more about vampires, pulling her further into this twisted and cruel world. She couldn't be any closer than she was. I turned into a fucking monster to keep her safe!

But not telling her… It meant not talking to her. It meant leaving her behind. The thought alone fractured something deeper in me than watching another person kiss Jasper. Bella was the only connection to what my life had been before the blood and rage. Losing her meant losing more family. I turned into this fucking monster because I didn't want to lose anyone else.

"Blaire, talk to me," Jasper suddenly said. "Let me help."

He couldn't, though. Only Bella could. Whatever choice I made, I wouldn't make it alone. It was her friendship, too.

I rubbed my eyes. Even though I couldn't produce tears, they still burned like I had them anyway. Any decision I made would bring on an entirely different pain, and I didn't know which one was worse. I turned on the balls of my feet –

Then Jasper grabbed my arm. The wrong arm. "Darlin' please. Say something. Anything –"

Fire. Fear. Screaming. My arm burned as if he was ripping it off all over again.

The panic tore through me. I whipped around and yanked out of his grip, backpedaling to put as much distance between us as possible. I had to grab my arm and hold it against me, just to make sure it was still there. "Back off!" I snarled.

Jasper stood frozen in place, eyes wide with horror. I couldn't look away. My chest rose and fell with rapid breaths, cold air whistling through my empty lungs, doing nothing to calm the absolute insanity in my head. I gripped my arm even harder, trying to ground myself – finding nothing –

My stomach suddenly flipped like the ground had been pulled out from under me, and I was falling. I let go of my arm to sink my hands into the ground, scrabbling for earth underneath the snow.

Desperation.

"Blaire!"

His emotion cut through my terror, but it didn't stop me from leaping up to my feet. I had to force myself not to throw myself off the cliff. Because that was stupid. This was Jasper. He was mine. He wasn't going to hurt me. He just wanted to talk to me. "I'm sorry!" I almost screamed the words. They came out in a rush. "I don't know –"

"I do," he said. He didn't make a move to meet me. His eyes swept back to the cliff, too.

V

Fresh snow glittered under the moonlight as the rocks and trees around us gave way to a long stretch of flat tundra. The light slipped over my skin, giving it a dull pearlescent glow. It looked… pretty. I couldn't decide if I hated that or not.

Jasper caught up with me. What I had in speed he made up for in power. He flanked my side in silence. I couldn't feel anything from him. I hoped he couldn't feel anything from me.

Five minutes into crossing the expanse, I saw lights. The closer we got, the more they stretched out to frame the silhouette of a house set in front of a tall mountain peak. It was long and angular, reminding me of the Cullens' modern-style house in the woods. It'd been a reprieve; peace, no matter how fleeting. I hoped this place would be the same, especially since it meant talking to Bella.

Tanya stopped a few yards away from the house, spinning neatly on her heel in front of the garage. It made the snow flurry up around her. I barely dodged the spray. "Welcome to Denali!" she exclaimed. "Our home is yours always."

Always? My eyes widened. "You… don't even know me."

"A friend of the Cullens is one of ours, too," she said simply. As if it was that simple. Did the Cullens even consider me a friend? "And in time, we'll know each other better too."

I didn't want to, though. Honestly, I didn't want anything to do with vampires anymore. But… she was offering sanctuary. And a way to talk to Bella. "Thank you." I hoped I sounded more sincere than I felt.

Maybe I did. Her smile didn't waver. "There's five of us right now. They're waiting in the living room to meet you. I wanted to tell you first so you don't feel overwhelmed."

I was already overwhelmed. Two strange vampires I could handle, but five? My thoughts were already in overdrive. There was the strange house, this place I didn't know, and five vampires posed a threat too big for me. I couldn't help but take a small step back –

Only for Jasper's hand to hover at the base of my spine, startling me. I hadn't even heard him approach. "You're safe here." He'd leaned down close to my ear. I could feel his warm breath against my snow-chilled skin. "I promise."

Tanya was already at the front door, pushing it open, allowing buttery yellow light from the inside to spill out across the snow. It looked warm. The word safe played in my mind.

I took a steadying breath. This was for Bella as much as it was for me.

Jasper shadowed my steps all the way up to the front door, not close enough to smother me, but close enough that I couldn't feel his support. I still couldn't feel his emotion, though. Why wouldn't he share with me?

The house was significantly warmer than outside, and so much brighter. Lamps, overhead lights, and the glinting metal-framed furniture in a seating area to the right all assaulted my eyes at once, making me squint. Tanya kept walking down a narrow hallway that immediately dropped down two small steps and opened up to a cavernous living room.

The rich brown hardwood floors shone underneath an industrial lighting fixture that spanned across the ceiling. A plush navy sectional filled the room and was framed with two oversized brown leather chairs. Behind the setup was a wall made entirely of glass, much like the Cullen house. To the right was a small kitchen and dining room, which I found hilarious.

My eyes quickly skipped back to the couches, and the vampires that filled it.

There were four: two blonde females, a brunette female, and a brunette male. The brunette female was the only one to offer me a smile, even if it was small. I froze at the threshold between the hallway and the living room while Tanya walked ahead of me. "Everyone, this is Blaire," she announced.

"Jesus, Jasper," one of the blonde females said. Unlike the other blondes, her hair hung in a straight curtain around her face, making her look just as cold and modern as the house surrounding her. "Did you have to drag her through the mud to get here?"

She rose from her seat and took a step closer to us. I took a step back into Jasper. She noticed and stopped. Her thin brows furrowed.

"She's been on quite the journey," Tanya suddenly said, surprising me. She stepped to her sister and rested her hand on her shoulder, both of them exchanging a long, knowing look. What did they know?

"Blaire," Jasper began, my name a hum in his chest against my back. "This is Kate and Irina, Tanya's sisters. Carmen and Eleazar make up the rest of her coven."

I probably should've said it was nice to meet them, but the lie was caught in my throat. I could only stare at them and wish I'd taken Jasper and ran back down that cliff. There were just so many of them. How could we trust them? We didn't have another choice! We were helpless! Trapped!

Carmen was the second one to stand up. "Why don't we get a shower started for you?" she asked. Instead of moving toward me, she flitted toward the windows and a staircase to the right I didn't even notice. I stiffened. "You deserve to rest."

How could I rest? If it weren't for all the vampires in this house, it was everything else still weighing on my mind. And then there was the matter of not being able to sleep ever again. Jasper gently nudged me down the steps and into the living room, closer to her. He suddenly leaned down and kissed my temple. "You're safe," he reminded me, lips lingering close enough to brush along my skin. "I'm right here."

He was giving me the space to figure things out on my own. Because he trusted these vampires. He felt safe. I could, too. I darted through the living room too quick anyway, just to avoid the other vampires' eyes. By the time I got to the base of the stairs, Carmen had already gone up them. Wherever they went, they led into darkness. I could hear running water.

I glanced back at Jasper, who was already making his home among the rest of the coven, shaking the only other male's hand. He greeted them easily, and when his eyes met mine, he smiled. My shoulders relaxed. He was okay. I was okay.

Darkness met me on all sides as I walked up the stairs. It was comforting after being under all the bright lights and staring.

The second floor of the house wasn't as grand as the first. It was a narrow corridor lined with doors, and only one at the end was open. A soft, flickering light poured out. The sound of rushing water flowed from it too. I followed both, entering a large master bedroom illuminated only by the moonlight pouring in from a window to the right, and candlelight from the bathroom to the left. Carmen hung in the doorway. I tensed.

"I thought you would appreciate the dark," she explained. "I was quite sensitive to light when I was a newborn. I was sensitive to everything, actually."

She let out a soft trilling laugh. To hear it, and her admission, all felt surprisingly… relieving. "I thought I was going crazy," I admitted.

"Maybe a little, but it'll pass," she said. "Alice called, so we knew to expect you. She didn't tell us anything except that you've been through a lot."

I found my fingers curling against the fabric of my leggings. I glanced away.

"I'm sorry for that," she went on. "So is everyone else. All of us have come from pasts far from ideal."

Because no story involving a vampire ever ended pleasantly, I suddenly remembered. The truth of it startled me once again.

"We don't expect details. Or explanations. But I do hope you'll be able to find some semblance of peace while you're here." Carmen passed me to walk out of the room, closing the door with her. "I left some clothes for you on the bed. Come downstairs when you're done. We'll speak of happy things."

Happy things. What a foreign concept.

At least she closed the door without waiting for a response, enclosing me in the small space. It smelled like jasmine and vanilla.

I glanced at the clothes on the bed – another piece of furniture I also found hilarious – folded neatly on top of the silk lavender sheets. I was in front of them in the same moment, unfolding them, revealing a pair of running shorts and a T-shirt. I took them with me as I walked in the bathroom. Candles ranging in size and color were dotted throughout the bathroom, making the spacious en suite seem cozier. Someone must've liked taking baths here. I tried to find the source of the vanilla fragrance from the array on the counter –

And froze when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I knew what it was. I didn't dare look.

Because I'd find my reflection looking back.

It turned out vampires could see their own reflections, but I spent my entire newborn life so far avoiding it. Whether it was in the water's surface, a vampire's eyes, or the pupils of a deer or a – a person – dilated from terror.

"Your features have changed since you've turned," James had told me after I took out an innocent man hiking too far from a marked trail. "Are you sure you don't want to see yourself now? His blood is the perfect mirror –"

My hands shook as I set the borrowed clothes on the bathroom counter. I clenched my teeth, desperate to keep my newfound strength in check while doing everything I could to shove the memory aside and the fire flaring at the base of my throat.

I knew I'd have to face what I'd become eventually, but… I wanted to wait as long as I could.

I stripped off the clothes I wore and dropped them in a waste basket nearby. I stepped under the spray, boiling hot, startling me. It was the perfect distraction from my own thoughts. Mud and blood dribbled down skin I knew was a lot paler than it used to be, along the circular scar at my shoulder I couldn't look at longer than a second, and down forearms that no longer bore any freckles. I closed my eyes and breathed in the steam and scent around me, but I only saw flashes of red, torn bits of fur and flesh. Even a stray scream rang in my ears under the pounding water.

I forced myself to gingerly pick up the body wash, only to violently scrub myself down. The same went for the shampoo. I didn't stop until my nails were clean and my hair didn't tangle around my fingers when I combed through it.

I still trembled when I turned the water off and stepped out. I found a fluffy white towel hanging on a hook nearby, and wrapped it around myself, pointedly staring at my bare feet. I took my time drying off, reveling in the softness surrounding me from the towel, to the thick steam billowing through the space, and the candles. It was its own kind of soothing. It dulled my too-sharp senses. I could breathe.

I put on the borrowed clothes that were cotton-soft and a little sticky against my skin, clinging to the lingering perspiration on my body. I focused on the grains in the granite countertop, and stood like that for… I didn't know how long.

It was long enough for all the steam to dissipate, long enough for me to decide I couldn't put it off any longer.

James was gone, but he'd left his monster behind. I needed to know it.

I sucked in a few steadying breaths, pulling in the vanilla and jasmine flickering around me, trying to think about the soft candlelight, the fluffy towel, the hot shower, Jasper's hands on my shoulders… the only soothing things I'd found in this chaotic life so far.

I looked up.

Red.

My eyes were a startling ruby, bright even though the rest of the world was dim. My hair was a deeper shade of it than I remembered. It hung in waves around my face, not quite as voluminous or orange as Victoria's. Mine was more ginger. More red.

Just as I suspected, the freckles that once populated my face were gone, replaced by white alabaster. My face was the same shape it'd been before, as were the rest of my features, but they were still… different. My cheekbones seemed more defined; my jawline more sculpted. My eyelashes were darker, fuller, perfectly framing those red eyes.

This was the last face so many people saw before they died. My teeth – now straight and even and white – were the last things they saw.

My feet moved underneath me, carrying me away from the mirror. The rest of me moved on instinct, darting through the master bedroom, opening that one large window on the other side. Chilly air brushed my face as I climbed out and dropped to the icy ground.

Then I started running.

V

Let me know about what you want to do about the next update!

I've also stopped promoting my ko-fi page on every update. While all donations are appreciated, I think any funds would be better spent on charities that help those affected by COVID 19, in support of the Black Lives Matter movement (and if you can't donate that's totally fine because there are TONS of free petitions to sign that make a difference) and/or those affected by the rampant wildfires at this time.

Honestly... with so much wrong happening in the world, I'd like to use this platform as an opportunity to spread some good. Give me a charity to talk about in my ANs for the next update.

Also, tell me your go-to comfort movie! Mine is Howl's Moving Castle.

I still encourage you to check out the ko-fi page if you haven't already. A lot of cool stuff is on there, like answers to questions, fan-art, memes, and excerpts of upcoming chapters. I also post my favorite comments on there (which I sorely need to update us all with) so you should see if I highlighted you!