I don't know how to start this author's note. I'm a fairly private person, and I don't like talking about my own personal struggles. But I did want to kind-of share where I've been mentally since we last saw each other, because over the years (holy crap it's been years) of writing this fanfiction, I do consider you a constant

This has been the worst year of my life.

It's gone from difficult to devastating since my last update. It's why I haven't posted as quickly as I originally planned and led all of you on to believe. I'm sorry. I don't want to go into details because it's too hard to write about, I'm too sad, and I don't want to relieve these raw emotions all over again when I come back to reread my own chapters. I don't like talking about myself, especially when I'm in a bad place, but I wanted to let you guys know updates might be slower than normal because... I'm not okay.

The only way I've been able to cope is by writing things that make other people happy. By being a person that makes other people happy. I'm trying to continue doing that to the best of my ability.

I sincerely hope you're all doing okay. I know I haven't spoken to over half of you, but I want you to know I care about you and I'm wishing you the absolute best. You have made these stories a wonderful, supportive place for me to create and I don't want you to think that goes unnoticed. I don't think I'd be writing at all if I didn't have you in my corner.

Thank you. I love you.

12. AFFIRMATION

I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I expected to go, but I tore through the thick forest behind the Alaska coven's house like I knew. I hoped they wouldn't be upset that I wasn't going to join them for those happy discussions Carmen promised. There was too much flying through my head, and I needed space to think. To breathe.

Every time I blinked, I saw my reflection in the mirror. I saw every detail of my new face, and I hated it.

I darted around tall trees and undergrowth, then clambered up the trunks to race through the branches. Small clearings were a blur when I passed through them. I scared all the game within a ten-mile radius, but I didn't care. I just wanted to run. I just wanted to be.

Running used to offer that kind of escape. It'd been meditative when I was human. I could go and go, focusing on nothing but my cadence and breathing. I tried to replicate that now, planning jumps from tree to tree, but I was capable of thinking about so much more at once now, finding a way to quiet all those thoughts felt impossible.

So I ran faster. I would find a way to exhaust and conquer this body. I would learn how to train it like I did when I was human. I would push myself to my limits, whatever those were now, and begin there.

A herd of elk stampeded underneath me, weaving around the trees to get away. My throat burned with need, but instead of using James's torturous tactic of waiting until I couldn't take the pain anymore, I dropped from the trees and slammed into the first animal I could sink my hands into. We crashed into the ground, my elbow digging into its neck, killing it on impact alone. I grasped at the fur on its neck and pulled it away in a bloody ribbon before sinking my teeth into the still-warm flesh.

The blood hit the back of my throat with a pleasant zing that fanned out across the back of my mouth, sending a pleasant shudder down my spine. I drank deep as the world slipped out of focus around me. This new body craved blood. It fueled me as much as food did when I was human. I'd eaten animals when I was human – this was just a new way of doing it. As long as I drank from animals, I could adjust. At least, I hoped I could.

I shoved the carcass away, its blood rushing through my ears. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and sighed. The world around me came back into focus, starting with the individual veins in every fern, to each crag in the tree trunks, up past every pine needle, up to the sky. I could see stars through thin cloud-cover.

"Beautiful, huh?"

I twisted around without getting up from the forest floor. Jasper stood a couple of yards behind me, also looking up at the sky. "I used to look at the stars a lot after I changed," he went on. "I guess I never did it enough when I was human."

I looked up again, watching nearly transparent clouds glide across a universe teeming with a million lights. Further into the endless sky, I could see a faint ribbon of neon colors stretching and curling through the air. I tilted my head to the side. Was that the northern lights…? "We never took the time to look up," I said.

"Especially not us," he said. "We were both turned young."

I never thought about that when I was human. Never considered his side of things. He was right, though. Him and the rest of the Cullens were all changed when they were so young. I straightened up, looking down at my clothes, relieved they weren't logged with blood. I only managed to smear some on the collar of my shirt and a streak on the side of my shorts that ran down my leg. I'd dare call that my own version of progress. "How old are you?" I asked. "Like, what age are you… frozen at?"

His eyes, golden even in darkness, warmed with amusement. "Nineteen."

I hummed. "I always knew you were older."

A smirk stretched along his mouth. Excitement fluttered within me from that quirk of his lips. "Just give or take a century, right?"

I stepped away from the dead elk and approached him, scanning him and the way his crewneck framed his shoulders and arms. He'd changed clothes, too. He kept his hands stuck in the pockets of new black joggers, with plain Nike sneakers covering his feet. Had he taken a shower, too? His hair was messy on top of his head, some ends still drying in the chilly winter air. He looked perfectly modern, like he hadn't even come from a time other than mine. I licked my lips, just in case there was any residual blood on them, and not for any other reason. "How did it happen for you?" I asked.

The easy smirk slipped off his face in the same instant.

I immediately regretted my question. "You don't have to tell me –"

"I do," he said, just as fast. "If I have any hope of this working out, I do. I won't deny you, but… I would like more time, if that's all right."

The crewneck and joggers hid most of those bite marks, but I could still see one creeping up his neck from under his shirt's collar. It reminded me of the scar on my shoulder. Were all his scars linked to his early days alone? I frowned. "It is."

He nodded. "I only intended for this place to be a pit-stop on our journey. I have a place close to the ocean –"

"You have a place?" I echoed incredulously.

A ghost of Jasper's smirk returned. "It used to be Emmett and Rosalie's in their more… amorous days, I've been told. It was never Rose's favorite, so it'd been abandoned almost a decade before Emmett gave it to me. He thought it'd help."

"Help with what?"

"Slip-ups," he said. Killing people, my mind quickly supplied. It didn't scare me as much as it would've when I was human. Instead it… it made more sense to me now. Especially when it turned out I was just as murderous. Was that fucked up? "And my… restlessness. I stayed with the Cullens a lot longer than I expected to. When we first met them, Alice only saw a future where she would stay with them. Not me. I never understood how they could waste an eternity retaking algebra."

I snorted despite myself. It did seem kind of stupid now, seeing the world through their eyes, and going back to high school. Did that make me a drop-out, then? The humor I felt immediately died. What was I going to do about high school? College? My future?

Jasper must've sensed the panic bubbling up in me. He took a step toward me. "Blaire –"

I couldn't think about it now. I had to stop myself before I could spiral all over again. "Why did you stay with them?" I asked instead.

He stilled. Frowned. "I was waiting for you."

The words were flattering, making excitement flutter behind my ribs. He was waiting for me because he was mine. Not Tanya's. But… it also reminded me that I was so behind. I was two hundred steps behind him, the way he might've regarded us, and the entire world we were now equals in. I couldn't keep up with any of it. There was so much happening, and I still didn't have any control, and I needed to understand it all –

"Blaire…" Jasper's tone rang with warning. Concern. I looked at him. "Breathe."

I sucked in a huge breath. I focused on all the breaths after. Jasper didn't come any closer, giving me the physical space to sort through my thoughts, but he still offered comfort. The emotion was featherlight on my skin. I closed my eyes and let another breath out. "Sorry."

His hands found mine. I didn't flinch at the touch. "You really don't have to be."

I opened my eyes, finding him so much closer to me, but never close enough. "But you're still waiting for me."

"And I'll keep waiting," he replied. Like it was all so, so simple.

My fingers laced through his. His hands warmed mine. So did the gold in his eyes. I couldn't help but angle my head to the side when I looked at his lips. A small part of me burned when I remembered the last one who touched them wasn't me. I wanted to reclaim them for myself.

But I couldn't do it now, not like this. Not when I was still so lost. I dropped my forehead against his chest and sighed. He pressed his lips against the top of my head. "My life is yours," he reminded me.

How well did that bode for him? I wasn't even in control of my own life, and Charlotte said I was already ruining his. All in the span of… how long had we known each other? And he could already claim so much?

He seemed so hopeful, yet I could only hold onto my doubt.

He pulled away first, giving my hands a final squeeze before letting go. "Do you want to keep hunting? Or do you want to go back to the house?"

I wanted so many things. I wanted to understand my place in this new world. I wanted to run to the limits of my new body. I wanted him. I wanted to talk to Bella.

That wouldn't happen yet, though. None of it would. It was too late at night to call. She would be asleep. I wished I could be, too. Physically I didn't feel tired, and even if I was, I wouldn't find any rest in the Denali coven's house. There were just too many others, too many questions I was afraid they'd ask in exchange for the information I still felt like I needed.

"I don't want to hunt," I began, "but… I don't want to go back."

Jasper nodded, as if he understood perfectly. How could he understand it all so perfectly? "Let's take a walk."

He didn't wait for me as he stepped past the dead elk and further into the forest. I pivoted on my feet and caught up with him. The trees and undergrowth swallowed us up, and silence reigned underneath the tall pines. As my bare feet sunk in the snow and dirt, I felt more grounded than I had in an actual house. Especially with Jasper beside me.

He didn't say anything, but the silence was comforting. We followed the hoofprints in the snow for a while before veering off deeper into the woods, where the trees grew closer together and thicker. I brushed my palms along the rough trunks and breathed in the icy air. Even in my shorts and T-shirt, I barely felt the chill on my skin.

"I've never been anywhere outside of Washington," I suddenly offered.

"Really?" Jasper asked.

"No. My parents are both from there, the rest of my family lives there – Were."

The word lodged itself in my throat. My Uncle Waylon was dead, my mom –

A deep ache formed in my chest, one that hurt just as bad as my thirst. "My mom died."

Jasper's arm was over my shoulders, pulling me in close to his side. He kissed the top of my head. "Yes," he told me, while my mind quickly realized other things about my family I hadn't even considered until now.

"I won't be able to see any of them again."

Jasper's hold tightened. "No."

No. Because I was a vampire who already had a track record of killing people. People. I couldn't see any of them ever. "I can't see Bella again," I whispered.

"You will." Jasper stopped me from walking any further. He stood in front of me, never giving up physical contact. His hands settled on my shoulders, keeping me in place. Keeping me grounded. "Humans aren't supposed to know we exist, but… Bella's in a unique position, like you were. You don't have to hide what you are from her because she already knows. You will see her again."

There was nothing but honesty in his golden eyes. I didn't know when I'd see Bella again, but he made me feel sure that I would. It was enough for now. I released a slow breath, letting my shoulders drop. "Do you… Do you know when?"

He hesitated. My heart fell next. "There isn't an exact timeline for these things. Your newborn phase is your most chaotic. It usually lasts a year or two, depending on how hard you work to control your thirst, strength, and emotions."

The last one felt like a jab. I frowned. The corner of his mouth quirked up. "Like now. I didn't mean anything by that. It's just how this goes."

I pulled away from him with a huff before starting down our path again. Now it was his turn to catch up. He did, easily keeping pace with his longer legs, hands stuck in his pockets again. "It's not gonna be like this forever. I promise."

"It's not?" My breath hitched in my throat. I couldn't imagine feeling any different from the endless emotions swirling within me, from the rage at James, the grief from all the lost lives including my own, the uncertainty of my life beyond this very moment, and the… everything that was Jasper himself. How was I supposed to handle it all?

"No. Between the two of us, we'll sort everything out." His voice was so warm, so certain. "I know this isn't the life you imagined for yourself, but I swear I'll do everything in my power to make it as good as I can."

And he just kept walking, looking at the trees around us, like what he said wasn't something people dreamed about hearing. Like it wasn't something I'd desperately been hoping for since my uncle died and I found out vampires were real and hunting me. But… still… "You don't have to take care of me," I whispered.

"I do," he said. "And I will, if you'll let me. It's what you deserve after all this bullshit, and it's what I want. I want to be here when you need and want me, because I need and want you."

There was an emotion vibrating under his words, peeking into existence and smoothing over me. It settled in my chest. It was the same emotion from that night in the woods, from when our eyes first met after my change. It was solid, unbreakable, and but… it couldn't be. Not for me –

"I love you, Blaire."

I lost all the air in my lungs. I froze in place, because that was all I could do while it felt like the world was pulled out from under my feet. I stared at him, desperate to take in every detail, from the way the moon poured over him and turned his blond hair pale and his skin silver. Those golden eyes were the brightest, vibrant against his washed-out features, staring at me with that singular kind of focus that I couldn't deny his words. I couldn't deny his truth. He… loved me.

"How?" I croaked. I was so flawed, so lost, so wild… It was impossible. He couldn't. He couldn't. "We barely know each other. It's only been… two months?"

Two months for my entire life to change forever. To lose everything, everyone, and gain so many things I never asked for.

And all of it was supposed to be inevitable.

I pulled away, heart breaking, because I was so tired of pulling away, but not as tired as I was of my emotions being pulled in a hundred different directions. "How can you say these things and expect me not to think you have expectations?"

Jasper frowned. "I don't –"

"We barely know each other," I went on. "I don't have any of my shit together, but you say your life is mine? I don't deserve that – Charlotte was right –"

"What did Charlotte say?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter."

Those brilliant golden eyes flashed in the darkness. "It does if she said something that makes you doubt yourself like this. She doesn't know a damn thing about you or the bond we have, and she shouldn't have talked to you like she did. As for how long we've known each other… I know it wasn't a lot of time at all, compared to both our lives, but… it didn't take much of it for me to fall in love with you."

The words made my emotions swell, made me so hopeful, but there was still so much doubt. "Because of the mate-thing, right?"

He smirked. "No. It was more of a you-thing, darlin'."

It was a boon I desperately wanted to cling to. My stomach flipped. My heart practically vibrated in my chest with his emotion now, still swelling and wrapping around me like a blanket in the dark.

"You have to know I'm flying into this as blind as you," he suddenly admitted. "I'm trying to find the right balance between being there when you need me and giving you enough space to figure things out on your own. I don't want to overwhelm you with everything at once because I… I don't want you to think I'm expecting anything or… scare you off. I realize now, after Tanya – and apparently Charlotte now – you need to know where I stand."

His emotions prickled with a fear that made my stomach drop. I frowned.

"Alice saw you with red eyes. She saw a vampire. I always thought you would already be one when we met. Imagine my surprise to find a human in a parking lot. And then I felt you, and you were a wildfire. I wanted to see you with red eyes, watch you send the rest of the world into flames, become the vampire I was promised. I wanted to change you. I was going to.

"I spent the day planning how I'd bite you. How I'd change you that day. The Cullens would be furious, but their anger is nothing new for me. I decided I'd drain every single human in that school to do it, damn the consequences."

I could see it, too. Jasper, all scars and teeth and eyes black as night, throwing humans across a harshly lit classroom. I would've been completely helpless. I could've died that day, long before James and Victoria even caught wind of me. "Why didn't you?"

He shook his head and smiled. Something in his emotions danced in my chest. Happy. I hadn't felt something so light in such a long time. "Because it took you all of two seconds of sitting in the same room as me to call me on my shit. It threw me off. I was expecting you to be frightened, or at the very least intrigued. I should've known no mate of mine would let me off so easy, human or not."

I smirked, but then Jasper stopped smiling.

"I won't let you believe that your humanity is what spared you – at least not that day," he said, suddenly so serious. "It was actually self-preservation. I knew you would've killed me if I changed you then. I would've forced you to leave so much behind. Too much. If you couldn't protect your own family – your own life – you'd have avenged it."

I scoffed. "As if I'd actually be able to. James himself called you a savage. He didn't even challenge you outright because he thought you were too much of a threat."

He cocked his head to the side, a cryptic expression on his face that let me know something else was running through his head. "And how did you come to that conclusion?"

"It was obvious." I said. All the obnoxious gestures he did after he tore off my arm, the way he only tried to manipulate me to make Jasper join him… He was too scared to take Jasper on himself. "Wasn't it?"

He just stared at me, that calculating look back in his eyes. The one I'd called him out on when we first met. This time, the corner of his mouth quirked up and I… measured up. He shrugged, letting me know the conversation – the moment – was over. I filed it away, determined to pick up on it another day.

"I would've let you. Kill me, I mean," he went on. Honesty burned in his eyes, Charlotte's words echoed in my head, followed by my sudden understanding of James's words. Jasper would do anything for me if I so much as asked. "If I felt what you had the day James and Victoria chased you home… I wouldn't have been able to live if I caused you that pain. That's when your humanity saved you, in case you were keeping track."

He already knew I was.

This was definitely the weirdest conversation I'd ever had. Heartfelt when it should've been uncomfortable, amusing when morbid. Was this what having a mate meant? Being able to speak to someone so honestly without any fear?

When I was human, our bond wasn't able to go any further than an uneasy alliance between predator and prey, an unbalanced power that constantly shifted between us. Inexplicably, my mind was in that cramped bedroom on another cloudless night, where the moon and a streetlamp outside poured in through my window and shone on Jasper. On the truth we shared. Now it was happening again.

But now, it could go further.

V

Due to the circumstances that drove me to write my author's note, I need to start advertising my ko-fi account again. I know there are so many issues still ongoing in our world, and I'm one person behind a keyboard, but I could use your support only if you can spare it.

If you enjoy my content and would like to support my creative endeavors, I set up a ko-fi page (essentially an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, is ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger.

I also, obviously, love comments. You have the power to make my day. If you write something super nice, super crazy, or you have any general questions, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses.

Thank you all again for just being here. During such a lonely and uncertain time, I'm grateful for all the people in my life. That includes you.