Hi.

I feel like that's the only way I can start things. I'm sorry it's been so long. Please know this story and all of you have been in my thoughts. Your words have been so encouraging. I really needed them. I also really needed the time away. I'm still trying to learn how to manage, but I wanted to share what I've been up to since the last update.

I started my journey to traditional publication. I've been querying my original work. I already have two rejections. I'm really proud of myself.

I made a Twitter. It's TwitchWalkerTX and I'm either going to retweet Twilight memes, answer y'all's questions, or post snippets of the fanfic. Hmu.

I'm still struggling a lot, but I'm fighting that by holding onto the things that have always mattered most to me and allow myself to take root in that joy.

How have you guys been? I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for making this place so safe for me. I hope you also feel just as safe, and that this update finds you well.

13. CALL

I SAT ON A SNOW-CAPPED peak, watching the sun crest the horizon and bleed light all over the world. It painted the sky in streaks of pink and orange, stretched along the snow and my skin, making both sparkle under its rays. All of it was a marker for time. When it got high enough, I would go back down to the house at the base of the cliff and face the Denali clan. More importantly, I'd finally call her. My best friend.

It was time.

In my mind, I could see us sitting in her room, doing nothing besides sharing the same space, the same air. I remembered the peace, the unspoken comradery, the sense of belonging when I felt so out of place in every other aspect of my life as the supernatural crept in. She'd been my only source of reality. I hoped seeing her again would feel the same. I needed it to.

I wasn't scared of rolling over and tipping off the edge of the narrow cliff. My body contorted and twisted itself so I could push my feet in the rock and bounce off. My bare feet cut through the steep mountainside as I slid down the rest of the way and crashed into the pile of snow at its base. I barley felt a thing.

I didn't waste any time closing the space separating me from the house, but I hesitated at the door, wondering if I should knock –?

But someone opened it for me. Carmen. My shoulders relaxed despite myself, even if I didn't return the wide smile she gave me. She opened the door even wider. "Come in! Come in! We have everything set up!"

What was that excitement in her voice? Was that… interest? Were they going to listen in on the call? My body immediately went tense again as I crossed the threshold. I immediately sought Jasper out, losing all sense of propriety as I breezed past Carmen and further into her home. The others watched me, all bustling throughout the living room. Jasper stood closest to the coffee table, lifting up the screen of a laptop. My fingers itched to grab it, take it far into the forest, away from all the prying yellow eyes.

Carmen remained by the door. "We're going hunting. We'll be back in a few hours."

Jasper motioned me to the couch as the others moved toward the front door. I sunk down on the thick cushions, finding my own reflection in a bright blue home screen. Wide eyes stared back, framed by a body trembling, giving way to my anticipation. Jasper leaned in front of me, clicking the mouse on the Skype icon. Skype? I recoiled. Jasper frowned. "I…" the words died within me. I glanced away, but the Denali coven wasn't in sight. It was just the two of us. For now. "I don't want her to see me."

"She knows you'll look different," Jasper said.

"Do I?" I whispered.

"Not to me." He held my hand in his. The look on his face left no room for debate. "But for her it might be different. Either way, she isn't afraid."

She should be. I was a far cry from that human who sat in her room with her, reading books and doing homework and pretending monsters weren't lurking just outside. How could I think anything would be the same?

Skype was opened. I couldn't hide from the computer's camera fixed wholly on us. Or the sudden image of a green phone rattling on the screen. A delicate ring bubbled out of the computer speakers. I froze.

"She misses you," Jasper said, reminding me. "Don't make her grieve the living."

So I was still alive?

Then he clicked, "accept."

And then there was Bella. She sat in front of a wall of bookshelves. How fitting. I was more concerned with studying her. Her deep brown eyes were rich like the earth and chocolate and all things grounding. Her nose looked like her dad's. Her small mouth turned downwards, making her look as tragically cursed as all the characters in her favorite stories. What role did I play in her tale?

Those eyes were wide. Her mouth formed a small "o" with her surprise. Perhaps I was the cautionary role. "Blaire?"

Her voice was softer than I remembered, but it'd always been a quiet murmur compared to all the chaos flurrying around me. Inside me. It was a miracle I'd been able to hear her at all in those final months.

"Hi," I said back.

Jasper let go. I looked at him. "I'll be back," he said. "Bye, Bella."

He was out of the house before Bella could finish her goodbye. And then we were alone. And quiet. Three minutes were spent staring at one another as we settled into each other's company. I was relentless in taking in her appearance, piecing together what she looked like without the barrier of the computer screen with my own grainy memories.

"Blaire?" she suddenly asked. She held up a slender hand and waved at the screen. It was covered in bandages. "Bee? Are you there? I think you're frozen –"

"I'm here," I said.

"Oh!" Bella's shoulders sagged. Her smile was sheepish. "You were so still."

Was I? I now studied Bella's movements with a different focus. The way her shoulders rose and fell with her breathing, her head tilted, the way she blinked back at me. Did I not do those things? I frowned. "Sorry."

She frowned back. "You don't have to apologize."

But I did. She had been put in danger, she was hurt, she could've been killed, all because of me. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." She nodded fast. Too fast. "I'm okay. Considering everything, I'm lucky."

I wasn't.

"You saved my life. I… I don't know how I can ever thank you for that."

Bella was safe. It was over. Who cared if I was lucky or not? "It was all I wanted," I said, almost to myself. At the time, it had been all I wanted. All that mattered. And now… now what?

"You…" Bella started. "You look beautiful."

I was anything but. "Probably too beautiful."

"No…" I forgot the quietness of her voice also held even quieter pauses. She always chose her words with care. What would she say next? "I thought you would be, with what everyone was saying, but… I still see you there."

What was everyone saying? Who was everyone? Did she really see me beyond the marble face looking back at me on the computer screen? "At least one of us does."

Her brows furrowed, turning her frown into an even more tragic grimace. "I'm so sorry."

We were quiet again. I'd expected that. Most of my memories involving Bella had been quiet. But this silence was awkward, and maybe I should've expected that too. What were we supposed to say? What were we supposed to talk about in the face of… whatever this was?

Bella seemed to know. "What are you going to do now?"

I shrugged. "Jasper says we're not staying here long."

"Are you coming back to Forks?"

Screaming. Blood. Terror. Loss. Devastation – The faces of the people I'd already killed were in my thoughts, tangling around my words, strangling my throat, along with all the other deaths before. My uncle. My mother. Her scream was a whistle in my ears, like she was just outside, dying all over again. Victoria probably killed her the way I killed that truck driver. Did Bella know that her friend was a monster now? "No. I… I think it's best if I stay away."

"But Carlisle could help, if you wanted."

I'd completely forgotten about him until Bella said his name. I shook my head. "I think I need to sort this out on my own."

Bella sighed. "Alice said you'd say that."

A corner of my mouth quirked up at her name. I did remember her.

"But you know you're not alone, right?" Bella scooted closer to the screen. "You have the Denalis, the Cullens… me –"

"But I shouldn't have you. That was the point. You're supposed to be the living one. The one that got away, and I –" Then I realized something worse. "But you didn't get away, did you? You're still with him?"

"Blaire –"

"How?" I asked. "How can you stay? How can you still choose him –"

"How did you choose Jasper?"

A growl rumbled in my chest, surging up my throat and crackling in the air around my ears. "I didn't."

Bella's eyes widened.

"What does he have anything to do with this anyway?" I demanded. "What happened to me still would have whether or not more than one vampire was stalking me! You still have a chance to walk away, and you should. Look at me, Bella! Look at me!"

"Blaire." An entirely different voice drifted through the computer speakers. It was icy. Detached. And then he was there. Stepping in front of Bella. Blocking my view of her. Edward leaned down, assessing me as much as I was him. Everything about him was perfect, from his combed hair to the preppy sweater and jeans he wore. A perfect mask that hid all the wild things I now knew he was truly capable of. "Why don't we end this here and pick up later?"

Because no ending with a vampire was ever pleasant. A hiss flew through my teeth as I slammed the computer screen down, shattering the piece of technology into pieces through a crack in the thick wooden coffee table. I ran out of the house.

Brisk mountain air slapped me in the face and cut through my clothes as I threw myself into the woods behind the Denali coven's house. I didn't want to stop running. I understood the rage coursing through me, how uncontrollable it was. How unsafe I was. There would be a later to mine and Bella's conversation, but not until after I learned how to have it. If she would be brave enough to face me then. Half of me hoped she wouldn't be.

"I just don't understand." Tanya was loud enough to be heard. She meant to be. Icy dread flooded my veins. Who was she talking to? "You let her claim you, and yet she constantly ignores you. She scorns you! I just heard her reject you! Why are you doing this to yourself? Especially after what Alice saw –"

The dread melted into more anger. I pivoted and flew toward her voice, which was so easy to track between the too-quiet trees. Branches rattled in my wake, shaking off snow and ice behind me. I skidded to a stop as soon as her long hair swayed from behind a tree trunk as her bright eyes landed on mine. Jasper stood across from her, arms folded across his chest, face as unreadable as stone.

A sneer stretched across her face. "She should be grateful to have a mate as strong as you. She should know there are plenty waiting in line to take her place."

All the air flew out of my lungs. Could that happen? Were mates not permanent? Did that mean Jasper could leave – "No!" The word was a wheeze. "I didn't –"

Then the anger came back. It was always so fast to come back. I glared at Tanya, a strangled growl forcing itself out of my throat. "You were spying on me –"

Was nothing in my life safe anymore? Did I always have to live every moment on a fucking stage for any passing bystander to watch and comment on?! I bared my teeth at Tanya, who had already dropped into a defensive crouch. I lunged at her.

"Enough."

Jasper outmaneuvered me, faster than my enhanced senses could keep up with, spinning me around his body until I was between his back and a tree. It was just like Charlotte all over again. Why did this situation have to keep repeating itself? Why couldn't I stop?

"The only thing you need to understand is that I am Blaire's mate," Jasper went on. "Nothing beyond that is your concern. We will leave your territory in peace."

Tanya's mouth was set in a grim line. "See that you do, but know you're always welcome here. Once you clear your head."

She was gone in another stupid flurry of snow. I wanted to disappear, too.

Jasper finally turned to me. "Blaire –"

I grabbed his face in my hands and yanked him down to me, crushing my lips against his. The kiss was hard, desperate, angry, but that was all I was now. It was all I could give, and if Tanya was right, he could have it all.

Jasper grabbed my waist and hauled me into him, his uncertainty skittering over my skin. I didn't even recognize myself as I wrapped my arms around his neck. My throat was uncomfortably tight as I opened my mouth to his, tracing my tongue over his lower lip. "Don't leave," I whispered, "please don't leave me –"

"Oh, darlin'." That uncertainty melted into something deeper, warmer. It was the same weighted emotion I knew from the clearing when I drank from animals the first time, and when I finally saw him after I'd been turned. He pushed me back into the tree. "I'm yours. My life is yours. You know that. You feel that."

I did. I tangled my fingers in his hair and kissed him slower, longer. Jasper leaned into me, every line of his body pressing against me. "You feel me," he whispered against my mouth.

He loved me.

My heart swelled with the truth of it, with the memory of walking with him through those dark woods as pale starlight made our even paler skin glow. I liked the flash of yellow in his eyes, and how his rare smiles were as sharp as the scent of pine. I could match his pace step for step and follow his words without ever getting tired. I still couldn't remember what happy felt like, but last night… it seemed close.

Then all of it had been swept away with the sunrise, Bella's brown eyes, Tanya's words, how easily I would lose myself to him just to keep him. Was that my only plan? My only future? Always so desperate, still so –

Weak. Victoria's words echoed in my mind. Helpless. One step behind.

And I would never catch up. Jasper's teeth grazed against the skin at my collarbone. Fire and pressure closed me in at all sides. I couldn't breathe –

He pulled back. He looked so worried. I was terrified. "Blaire?"

I slumped against the tree and dropped to the ground before he could catch me. I gasped for air, tasting pine and snow and Jasper, while everything spun. Jasper dropped to his knees. "It's too much," I said. "All of it – I – I can't –"

"Okay," Jasper said. He tried to send me calm, but it came in shaking waves that ended up stuttering and failing. Proof he was just as rattled as I was. "That's okay, it's all right –"

My throat tightened, making my words short and breathless. "I can't – It's too much –"

"I know," Jasper said, "I know, darlin', but I'm right here –"

"I'm not ready," I managed to gasp out. "There's still so much – too much – I – I –"

He was everywhere, his arms around me, pressing his mouth against the top of my head. "Breathe, Blaire," he commanded. "Just breathe."

But I pushed him away. I always pushed him away. Another cycle I couldn't seem to stop. Why couldn't I stop? "Why can't I stop?" I cried. "I'm so angry, Jasper, I'm so scared, and I can't do anything to let it go! I don't know how! Everything's so wrong, I'm wrong, and it's only dragging you down. I'm sorry. I want things to go back to the way they were when – when –"

"When you thought we were both human?" Jasper asked, quietly. "Back to the lie?"

"No. Even when I knew what you really were, I still wanted you." At least I could say that with certainty, and Jasper seemed to appreciate that too. The knot forming between his brows loosened. A stilted wave of his relief lapped against me. "But I…"

I wanted to cry. I wanted to rest. I wanted to live!

"I should have died!" I finally sobbed out.

Jasper rocked back on his heels, away from me, like he'd been hit. Was it because of me? Could he feel the tumult of my emotions? Were they killing him? Was I killing him just like Charlotte said I would?

"I'm sorry," the words flew out of me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know you're doing everything you can and I'm not – I'm not right – and I'm sorry! I'm trying. I'm trying. I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm not me. And it's been like that since they took everything!"

They took everything. I dug my fingers into my scalp, pressing as hard as I could until I could feel the pain. "They took everything."

There was nothing left.

I had nothing left.

Another set of hands covered my own and gently pried them away. Jasper held the sides of my face and tilted my chin up. "Look at me."

I didn't have another choice. He was the only thing in my line of sight, alabaster skin and golden curls and near-perfect features. Near-perfect, I realized, when I noticed the uneven set to his jaw. Then there were all the bite marks, physical reminders that he had his own horrors. His own loss. I knew nothing about this vampire before me, but I knew despite his own trauma, he could still hold me with such tenderness. He could survive, he could live, he could love.

"We'll find those things again."

"How?" I whispered. He swept his thumb over my cheek.

"Time," he replied. "And rest."

I frowned.

"Vampires can't sleep, but we have our own ways to recharge," he explained. "There will be quiet moments. We'll make them."

I didn't realize I was shaking until Jasper leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "How?" I asked again.

"Leaving here, for a start." He helped pull me up to my feet. "Then we go west. Are you ready?"

So ready. Jasper took a step back, holding his hand out to me. I took it. With a small smile, he pulled me into a run. We became two twin breezes rushing through the trees, on our way to what I hoped would be solace.

But because it was Jasper, I didn't think I needed to hope.

V

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