Ch. 3 – I Would Burn This City Down
(Just to Show You the Light)
Julie made it back to her room in some what of a better mood. Talking with Adam had helped her feel more like she could be both a girl and a hockey player. She was so tired of being pigeon holed as one or the other.
"I should be more like Connie," she told herself staring in the bathroom mirror. People never questioned Connie's gender or sexuality. Connie wore make up. Connie wore tight clothes. Connie had a boyfriend.
Yanking on her hair elastic, she let the blonde mass cascade down her back. She usually kept it a few inches below her shoulders, but last Fall she'd wanted to see how long it could grow.
"I need a make over," she stated with a firm nod.
"I agree." Connie's head popped around the bathroom door. "You never wear any cute clothes! Those tee-shirts make you look, well, fat."
"I really look fat?" Julie poked at her stomach. It didn't feel fat.
"Don't be silly, you're not fat. Let me demonstrate." Connie stepped behind her. "I would consider what you've got on now typical Cat Lady attire. Agreed?"
Julie nodded, lost.
"Look at yourself in the mirror. Your waist looks at least six inches bigger." Connie gathered the excess fabric in a knot at the small of her back, pulling it tight across her stomach. "And then, voila! Julie has a tiny waist, to everyone's surprise!"
"I don't know, Cons, it's just so…not me."
"Suit yourself. You know I love you just the way you are." Connie shrugged and left to get ready for bed. The tall blonde followed her and began rummaging in her dresser for a pair of boxers. Suddenly, she was fed up with being dull, conservative, tomboy Julie.
"Do you think a makeover would help me get a boyfriend?"
"Don't you mean, land you Dean Portman?" Connie teased.
"He doesn't like me. He was so embarrassed when Fulton saw us together."
"Really? I thought Portman never got embarrassed. Remember that one time a kid from Blake called him gay and Portman just ripped off his helmet, skated over to the Blake bench and kissed him?" Connie giggled. " 'I've had better.' So classic."
"Uhhhhggggggghhhhhh. Can we not talk about Dean?" Julie made a face.
"Okay, Jules, okay. So, you want a boyfriend?"
"Yeah," she looked at the plaid boxers in her hand, "I want to feel like a girl again."
Connie smiled at her friend and gave her a hug. "Well, you know what they say."
"What do they say?"
"Sometimes, you just have to 'ho' it up."
"Oh whatever!" Connie never failed to make Julie smile when she was down. Lady Ducks had to stick together.
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"Portman, you're coming out tonight, right?" Charlie called checking in on the sometimes anti-social Bash Brothers.
"Dude, that club is not my scene."
"It's Guy's DJ debut. Ducks fly together, right?"
Fulton punched Dean when he mimicked Charlie's favorite catch phrase.
"Fine, I'll be there." He rolled his eyes and quacked at the captain out of the room. "Fulton, tell me why we have to go to this club again?"
His friend grabbed a towel off the floor and rubbed briskly at his drying hair. "Because Averman told Charlie that Connie told him this was important to Guy, and Guy doesn't get paid unless the club is full of people."
"But one Bash Brother is not going to make a difference. You know I hate that dance shit."
"Hey now," his friend pointed accusatorily at him, "you're the one who said 'where the Bash Brothers go, the babes follow'."
Dean grunted, not wanting to admit Fulton was right.
"Besides, it is an old mother Reed cure to get over a hottie."
"What is? Having your ears bleed?"
"No, dillweed. Find another hottie!"
If anything, that put Dean in a worse mood. After a while, Fulton gave up trying to have a conversation and went off to find someone actually sociable.
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"I look like a slut!"
"No, Julie, you look hot."
They'd gone shopping that afternoon. Connie was sure that if Julie found some tiny outfit for Guy's club thing, she could find some boyfriend in no time.
The blue dress had a plunging V-neck, but that's not what worried Julie the most.
"How am I supposed to bend over!"
Connie sighed. "You don't. Julie, mini. Mini, Julie. Now that we're all acquainted, can we go?"
Julie had loved the dress in the store. She'd loved it when she'd tried it on. She'd even loved it as it sat, folded neatly, in the bag. But now that she was about to be seen wearing it by real people, and her good friends at that, her nerves were getting the best of her.
The knocking at the door became more insistent. Tired of waiting, Connie threw open the door, and Charlie, Averman, Ken and Luis tumbled into the girls' room.
"Looking good, Cons," Luis winked at the pretty brunette.
Stopping in his tracks, Averman let out a low whistle. "Check out the Cat Lady."
Luis' eyes went wide and even Charlie nodded in appreciation.
"You…you…you look nice." Ken stuttered.
"Oh, shut up guys." Julie blushed furiously. "Can we just go?"
"Finally! Yes!" Connie stamped her foot impatiently.
After what seemed like an age, the mob made their way out of the dorms, Julie teetering a bit as she got used to her new heels.
They found the club surprisingly full, but luckily Guy'd gotten a hold of some VIP badges for the Ducks. Inside, it was everything Julie expected, dark, colorful, smelling like smoke and beer. It was an eighteen and over party, but half of Eden Hall had turned up, and half of those kids had fake IDs. None of the Ducks were willing to risk hockey, though, so most of them didn't drink, at least, Julie remembered with a grin, not while they were in public. But Charlie had gotten pretty tanked at that party last year. He'd almost kissed Adam!
Someone pushed her from behind and she tripped over the feet of the very Duck she'd just been thinking about.
"Steady, Cat." Adam smiled at his friend. "Showing some leg tonight, eh?"
"God, would you all just lay off?" Julie turned to go, but Adam grabbed her arm.
"You look really good tonight, Jules. It's not a joke."
"I don't look like me." She plucked at some of the stretchy fabric gathered at her stomach.
"You mean you look like a girl." He could tell how uncomfortable she was.
"Yeah," she chewed on her lip a bit, "I think I saw Averman staring at my boobs."
"Would you expect anything less from Averman?" He asked, laughing and watching the redhead struggle to dance with Connie.
"No, but…"
Adam turned his attention back to the blonde girl next to him. In her heels, she was almost as tall as some of the guys on the team. "But you don't want them to forget you're their goalie?"
Julie sighed, relieved. "Exactly. At least you get it."
"I know how you feel." She stared at her friend, who's eyes had gone distant. It made her feel selfish that she was always complaining about her stupid problems.
"You know you can talk to me about it."
Adam snapped out of his reverie. "Maybe later." He smiled at her, but she could see it was forced. "Let's have some fun. Would my lady care for a dance?"
A weight lifted from her shoulders as Julie realized that the Ducks would always be her friends, girl, tomboy, goalie or babe. Taking Adam's outstretched hand, she curtsied clumsily.
"I would be honored."
The two joined their friends already on the dance floor. Connie had made her way up to the DJ booth to give Guy their support, or as Averman put it, some sex appeal. Dean and Fulton arrived late. Neither one of them were all that interested in the music or the socializing. Fulton even got a bit claustrophobic in big crowds. He went over to say hi to their teammates, but Dean retreated to the corner where the non-dancing Ducks sat. A few moments later, Fulton joined him, sweating a bit. Dwayne, Goldberg and Ken welcomed them looking rather dejected.
"What a sorry looking group of losers."
"Shut up, Dean," Goldberg muttered. "You're sitting here too."
"Trust me, you don't want to see him dance," Fulton sniggered as Dean shot him a dirty look.
"Well, he can't be any worse than Averman. I think he's going to break something," Ken interjected, pointing at the flailing limbs of their second string center.
"I would dance," Dwayne's drawl could barely be heard over the thumping bass, "but he's only playin' this techno stuff. No good music."
The rest of the table nodded in agreement.
Empowered, Dwayne continued, "I mean, would it kill him to play a little Garth Brooks?"
The other guys started ripping on Dwayne's own taste, but Dean's attention was pulled away when he saw Julie. She was wearing something tight, something short, something that highlighted her long legs, and, oh god, her ass. Dean closed his eyes, but regretted opening them when he saw that she was dancing with a tall, blond…Adam. She was dancing with Adam. But he knew that already. She was with Adam, should be with Adam, it just made sense.
But it still sucked to see.
"I'm gonna go smoke," he said turning to Fulton and scooting out of the booth.
"You're going to ruin your lungs young man!" Goldberg called after him, a perfect imitation of Mother Goldie. Dean just flipped him off and pulled out his camels.
It was a cool sixty degrees outside on the small balcony of the club. There were a couple of smokers outside, but they were in their own little group, chattering away. Dean leaned against the iron railing and looked out at the Minneapolis skyline.
Smoking soothed him. It wasn't so much the taste, or the smell, or even the nicotine. Hell, he quit every season without fail. It was the small act of defiance against the man, and Dean always felt he had to be rebelling against something. Never before had he suppressed his instincts. It was an odd feeling, wanting to punch Adam's face in, but not allowing himself to do it. So instead, he smoked.
"I should have bought more cigarettes," he breathed.
"You keep smoking, and you're going to lose your stamina."
Dean spun, startled. "I didn't hear you come out."
Julie smiled, not looking directly at him. "I needed some fresh air. It's pretty hot in there." She went over to the rail, and stared at the same skyline Dean had been. "You should've said hi."
He shrugged. "You and Adam looked like you were having such a good time, I didn't want to interrupt."
"We were." Julie stretched over the railing, trying to grab a leaf from a near by tree. Her heel snapped and she balanced precariously on the edge of the rail before Dean snatched her by the waist and pulled her to him. She could smell the leather of his trademark jacket and the cigarette smoke that clung to it.
"Careful, Kitten, I can't let you get hurt. Your new boy toy would get pretty upset with me."
"Boy toy?" Julie pushed Dean away, taken aback. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"You and Adam. You were all smoochy in the hallway last night." He couldn't look at her, it hurt too bad.
"Smoochy? In the hallway?" She furrowed her brow, wondering what the hell he meant. "We watched a movie in his room…I think I gave him a kiss on the cheek?"
He nodded. "And you were dancing with him. Like, really dan-cing."
"We're at a club. I'm dancing with a friend. A friend. I couldn't get a boyfriend if I tried." Julie snorted. "Look at me. I look ridiculous in this. I can't believe I let Connie talk me into buying this damn dress."
His jaw dropped. The cigarette he'd been smoking fell from his lips on to his shirt and he jumped, batting it out.
She looked at him funny. "You okay?"
He nodded, still gaping at her. He wanted to say something, had to say something. "Julie, you're…you're like…cold shower hot."
"Run that by me again?" Julie shivered, rubbing her arms. The wind had picked up and she was starting to get cold.
"You make me take cold showers. And sound dumb. And clean. And stuff," he mumbled, staring off in the distance.
Julie shivered again, eyebrows furrowed. What did that mean? She was just being optimistic again. Teammates, remember? Something brushed her shoulders and she started, almost knocking her forehead into Dean's chin. His leather jacket was draped over her, still warm from Dean's body heat.
"What are you doing Dean?" Julie snapped. "I mean, why are you doing this to me?" Her mouth was pressed in a hard line, but her eyes were a storm of blue and grey, tears threatening.
There was nothing left for him to do but laugh. He pulled her into his arms, still chuckling. She looked up at him, eyes wide with confusion, tears winning the battle with her will. Staring down at the beautiful girl, Dean cupped her chin and kissed her softly.
"It'll never be good enough for you, will it?"
He let her go, and stalked through the door, leaving her standing on the balcony alone and breathless. The crowd was still thick inside the club, and Dean pushed his way through it to the table where his friends were. Tapping Fulton on the shoulder, he pointed his thumb at the door and took off.
"Portman, wait!" Fulton called, trying to catch up with him, but the taller Bash Brother had already disappeared.
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When a storm rolled over the twin cities area later that night, Julie thought it was a fitting end to a frustrating evening. She and Connie had used Dean's jacket to shelter themselves while running back to the dorms from Adam's car. Neither of her friends had said anything about it, and when they had found her crying on the balcony, Connie had just given her a tissue and asked if she wanted to go home.
Julie had peeled off her damp, tight dress and crawled under her covers. She loved her comforter. It was her favorite shade of purple, and stuffed full of goose down, and it could keep all the bad things away. Tonight though, wet, cold, and miserable, Julie knew her comforter wouldn't be enough to quiet her mind.
Dean's jacket hung on the back of her chair, taunting her. It made her remember how warm he was, how good it felt when he kissed her. Why did he kiss her like that? Not good enough. What the hell did he mean by that? No, it wasn't good enough for her to just be a fling, not when she liked him this much. Not when she'd be putting her team on the line, her school work on the line…her heart on the line.
Connie had snuck into the boys wing, hoping to 'celebrate' Guy's big night. The room was quiet, Julie stuck listening to the sound of her own breathing. Like she needed anymore stress in her life. She had to apply to college, do….things. Like…exercise. And…graduate…and…
All she could think about was how much she wanted to kiss him again. It was like she couldn't stop. Sliding out of bed, she picked up the leather jacket and hugged it. She slipped it on, trying to breathe in as much of his scent as possible. It made her feel warm inside for the first time since they'd left the club. Sighing, Julie tried her comforter again, and this time, the magic was there. Within minutes, the blonde goalie was fast asleep, still wearing the jacket.