Hey!

I know it's been a while since my last update, so I hope everyone's doing well. Like I said in the last chapter, I've been struggling with things. A lot. But, like I said in my last update, I've been putting as much energy as possible into focusing on the things that bring me joy. I did have to take a step back from writing in general to focus on some personal things, like my day job and getting married. We are officially Mr. and Mrs. TwitchWalkerTexasRanger now!

As always, and unsurprisingly, you guys have been amazing throughout this time for me. I talk about y'all all the time to the people who know I write this fanfiction irl, and I'm constantly amazed at how many people still read and favorite this story (shout out to all the new people who did that this morning alone) despite my unpredictable uploading schedule, how many of you reach out to check on me, and also donate to the ko-fi. It means the world to me!

Per our lovely tradition, this update is also a check-in. How are you? Share something good that happened to you since you read the last chapter! Can you believe we're already so close to the new year?

I hope you guys enjoy this next batch of chapters coming out! I'm pretty excited about them, because I'm going to pay homage to Stephanie Meyer's writing device from New Moon where she signified time passing with mere months written on a page. I just remember being so impressed with that when I first read the book haha. If you want to see another cool example of that, Holly Black does something similar in The Cruel Prince (if you haven't read that you should do so after reading this chapter) between the prologue and first chapter. Idk why small details like that just get me, but here I am, gotten.

Happy reading!

APRIL

AIR PUSHED PAST MY face and tangled my hair. The mossy, damp ground gave under my bare feet, trying to hold me back from my next step, but I was so much stronger. Branches shuddered in my wake, followed by loud whooshing noises. I was a missile. I was singular in my goal.

Jasper was at least a hundred yards ahead, moving so fast he was a blur to me. He lunged around trees and rocks – all power and just out of my reach. The whole time, he was silent as the air around us. No wonder James could never pinpoint where he was. In one graceful leap, he caught a branch in one hand and twisted his body around so he could look at me as he dropped back down. There was a challenge in his smirk, one that was warm and inviting and so achingly familiar even if I couldn't remember a time he'd ever looked at me like that before. I gritted my teeth and stepped harder into the ground, pushing off with more force. I would catch up.

My mind, body, quivering wakening soul – all of it belonged to the game Jasper and I had been playing for miles now, ever since he gave me a playful nudge when we stopped so I could hunt. He said, "Tag," and started running like it was the most natural thing in the world. The joy, the sudden lightness in my chest, almost brought me to my knees.

I leapt up into the trees and tore through the branches, one of Victoria's lessons I would take with me into this next phase of my life. I used it to my advantage and surprised Jasper by dropping down on him. He barely stepped out of my way, but I still managed to touch his shoulder. "You're it," I said, breaking a silence between us that lasted nearly forty-five minutes.

"You sounded like thunder up there. I thought I was about to get struck by lightning." But brilliance danced in Jasper's eyes. The pride in there was so obvious, especially when I felt it slide against me like a preening cat.

I straightened up from my crouch. "Will you teach me how to be quiet like you then?"

"If you want," he replied nonchalantly. His excitement told a different story. It pulled a small smile from my lips.

"Do you always project so others can feel what you do?" I asked.

"Only for you." He took a step toward me, but I darted back three. I wasn't that foolish. We were still playing our game. He smiled. "It's easier than trying to hold them back. You've always been able to find them anyway."

"Really? How?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. You just have, even when you were human."

I scoffed. His smile held and edge that made my stomach flip. "Should I prove it?"

Something shifted between us. Not exactly an emotion, but it was a… a moment. Anticipation – my own – skittered down my spine. Jasper was initiating a new game now, as fun as it was nerve-wracking. I didn't look away. I wanted him to prove it, and he wouldn't deny me.

His smile remained. He could tell I was focused, entirely absorbed by him. He relished in it. "Even if you didn't know it, I could feel the rebound of you taking in my emotions when I brought your bag to your gym locker. Do you remember that?"

Vaguely. The memories I had when I was human were grainy and difficult to access. I only recalled them with a startling revelation, surprise that I'd even forgotten them at all. The day he was talking about… There had been heat, and a tension weighing my muscles down, like a coiled spring. The air had been thick; it'd taken longer for it to fill my lungs. But that was all I remembered. Sensation. A desire to reach out and grab him. To truly claim him as mine.

Everything was hazy as Jasper leaned toward me now. Not touching me, giving me plenty of room to escape, but somehow holding me still, pulling me in.

"You told me about your ability outright when the Cullens and I were in the clearing, about to play baseball. You told me to go with them," he went on. "You could tell I was looking forward to it."

The emotions of that day were different. They were bubbly, soft, and ticklish. They pushed me to pick up our game of tag. Then there was thunder, running, the world on the brink of collapse. That baseball game happened right before I saw James for the first time.

Jasper brushed my hair, the waves coiling around his fingers, pulling my attention back to him, because he knew where my thoughts were going.

"And then when Bella came to the Cullen's home for the first time," he reminded me. "Shortly after you ran away from your own home. That was the moment I truly knew what you were capable of doing to me."

I remembered his concern, but that wasn't the emotion he offered me now. Instead, there was a searing intensity burning in the pit of my stomach. It was oppressive, fierce, like the forest after Tanya. The emotion didn't match how gently he twisted my hair around his finger, but rather complemented it. Like they were two parts of a whole. They didn't scare me now. Instead, I wanted… "What am I capable of?" I whispered.

"Anything. Everything. I mean that about what you do to me as well. I only have one weakness, Blaire, and it's you."

I sighed. The breath trembled in the air between us. Jasper's eyes snapped to mine. That emotion, so demanding and wanting, warmed my chest. I had to look at my shoes to keep it from burning me alive. "I don't want to hurt you," I whispered.

"You don't hurt me. What happened to you, what still happens to you whenever that bastard so much as crosses your mind, hurts me. Because I love you. I loved you since the day I realized you could pinpoint how I was feeling. It only deepened when you said you trusted me and meant it. It deepens every single day for a bunch of single reasons, in case you were keeping track."

I was, but I was also distracted by his head dipping down to mine, his lips ghosting along my skin until he pressed them against my cheek in the briefest, softest kiss. Somehow, it burned hotter than any time we'd kissed before. "What's today's?" I asked, desperate to shift the conversation.

He chuckled. "I'll let you know when I get to it."

I clenched my hands into fists to keep from reaching out.

His breath tickled the shell of my ear. "By the way… you're it."

I should have grabbed him.

The warmth of his breath was stolen away by a soft gust of wind that carried Jasper as he ran away, along with the scent of… salt. Brine. An ocean?

I tore after him.

V

THE SMELL WAS followed by crashing waves and gusts of cold, wet, salty wind. The taste crackled at the back of my throat, aggravating my thirst. The trees opened up to a flat, brown plateau. Then it dropped, straight off a cliff and down into a turbulent gray ocean. A gust of wind flipped my hair over my head and whistled in my ear along with the roar of the water a hundred feet below. White-capped waves slammed into rocks, that looked like the color of charcoal. The foam sizzled in the aftermath. It was rage. It was chaos.

It was uncomfortably familiar.

"Blaire!"

Jasper stood a to my right, in front of a large cabin, set at the edge of the cliffs. It faced the expanse of the ocean, stretching far beyond the cliffs and into the horizon. The wood was jet black, stark against the dull landscape of pale greens and browns and grays. It smelled like sawdust and salt, and a whiff of Jasper as he brushed past me. The front was made entirely of glass, leading into a very small house. Was that –

He opened the door.

The scent of dust hit me first, and then the dimness right before my eyes adjusted. The house was only one room and a tiny loft meant only for storage. At the back of the house was framed with countertops and a sink – no fridge or stove. Because what vampire would need that?

But that wasn't what took up my complete attention. That belonged to the bed at the very center of the room, set lower into the wooden floors. It was massive, bigger than any bed had a right to be. It set something fluttering in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't pinpoint the emotion, and I didn't want to ask Jasper to give it a name. A foolish part of me hoped he wouldn't notice.

But of course he would. He always did.

"Emmett originally built this place for himself and Rosalie," he said, because I guessed I needed the reminder. He shut the door behind him, muffling the thunderous waves outside. "We don't have to stay here."

"It's fine," I lied, because that was all I did. Because what other option was there? I refused to go back to Denali, certainly not Forks either. I'd barely been outside of Washington, and I already felt like there was nowhere to go. "It's okay."

"There's a shower in the back, behind the stairs." I wouldn't have noticed the small alcove if he didn't point it out, along with a small washer and dryer. "Do you wanna go first?"

"Sure," I shrugged, but the way I darted to the back of the house showed how rattled I was.

"Here." I turned toward Jasper, but was met with a set of clothes flying into my face. They were soft and they smelled like him. I didn't even look at them, didn't even look at him, just tucked the fabric in close and failed at even walking the rest of the way. I tried to close the door quietly, but it ended with an abrupt slam.

The bathroom was small, but elegant. It was white subway tile, floor to ceiling, with only an obscenely large bathtub and black-framed shower furnishing it. This place wasn't designed for humans. Or two vampires navigating their relationship. Not when the whole cabin was one big innuendo.

There was no soap, but the water was hot and had the same pressure as a firehose. I tried to focus on the feel of it, on the sound of it pouring from the faucet and raining down on me and the floor, the way it echoed off the walls. I scrubbed my body free of as much dirt and blood as possible, and thoughts about the tall standing mirror set to reflect the bathtub, or why it would need to be there.

In the end, as soon as I could change into the clothes: a much too-large hoodie that smelled like Jasper and was probably meant for it too, with the way it hung past my thighs, and another pair of gym shorts. Maybe it was a parting gift from the Denali coven.

The house smelled fresher when I stepped out of the bathroom. The washer was already running, with the scent of detergent filling the air. The rest of the house was cleaner, too. The floor didn't feel gritty under my toes anymore. All the windows had been opened, even the ones lining the entire front wall of the cabin, letting in the overcast light and forcing stray dust motes to fly everywhere. The bed wasn't in its place. Jasper had it outside, shaking it out like it was nothing more than a throw pillow. How long had I showered for him to achieve all this?

I hung by the front door, folding my arms close around me. "Can I help with anything else?" I asked.

Jasper looked over his shoulder and gave me a smile only short of devastating. I had to force my knees not to shake. "Just stand there and look beautiful."

My stomach flipped. I scoffed to hide it. "You could've waited for me."

"And what kind of host would that make me?" he grunted as he hoisted the mattress up. I stepped aside so he could carry it through the door. He threw it back into its place with a loud THUD! that vibrated the floor. "I'm already doing a horrible job. I didn't leave this place as well stocked as I thought. I'll need to run into town."

"Where's that?" I asked.

"Most of anywhere around here is a day's run at least," he said. "I may not be as fast as you, but I wouldn't be gone long."

My throat felt tight. "Gone?"

"For a day," he reiterated. "The towns around here are small, but it wouldn't be right of me to put you so close to any populated place right now."

Of course. Towns meant people. I was a vampire. A vampire trapped in their thirstiest state, according to Jasper himself.

"I won't put you in a position that would hurt you," he said. "I know you'll be safe here until you learn how to –"

"Be normal. I understand." And I did. I did. I was a danger to society, already a murderer… however many times over at this point. Was there even a such thing as being normal for me anymore? The only times I ever felt close to it was when I was with Jasper. The thought of him leaving, of not being where I could see him, smell him, sense him… Even if it was only for a day –

He was across the room, holding me close. "I'm not gonna go today," he said. "Maybe tomorrow or the day after. I figure we'd like to take showers with actual soap, and you'll need clothes, and –"

"I understand, Jasper." But I still pulled away.

But he didn't let me go far. Instead, he pulled me back and kissed the top of my head. "Don't worry about a thing." He grabbed one of my hands pulled me to the front door. "Let's go on a walk. I want to show you the beach."

"There's a beach?" I followed him back out into the blustery, salty air. The force of the crashing waves hit me full force again. Jasper's fingers slowly slipped out of mine as he made for the edge of the cliff. Then he jumped.

My eyes widened. I darted after him, stopping just before I could tumble over the side. Jasper was perfectly all right, though, scaling down the side of the steep cliff face, down to a narrow strip of light-colored sand. There was a beach. He paused, turning back to smile up at me. "Well?"

I bounded after him without a second thought. My feet tore into the jagged stone and kicked it behind me as I skipped down the rocky slope, following Jasper's lead. Then I landed on the pillowy soft sand. My feet sunk into the cold dampness as the wind ripped through my hair. The ocean roared, waves cresting right up to meet us from an empty gray horizon.

Transfixed, I walked out to the water, meeting it as it rushed up along the shore. I let it run over my feet before it retreated, dragging sand over my toes. I barely felt the chill.

There was something about it all that felt… infinite. Vast. A reminder that there were things so much older and bigger than me.

"How do you like it?" Jasper asked.

I looked over my shoulder, finding him standing closer to the rocks. He had his hands in his pockets and didn't bother brushing hair out of his face as the wind fluffed his golden curls. "It's beautiful!" I called back.

It was all beautiful.

He grinned back at me, brilliant and unrestrained. The mere sight of him took the breath right out of my lungs. All I could do was smile back. I didn't know if it was a joy he exuded, or something all my own, that bubbled up from my chest and into the air. I laughed. I laughed and scooped up a handful of water from the oncoming surf and threw it at him.

Jasper gasped, then darted for the water, kicking up spray at me. It rained all over my clean clothes and hair, and I laughed again. Then I ran, but I didn't go fast.

I felt his footsteps behind me, gaining ground. I let him. I wanted to be caught.

His arms winding themselves around me was nothing short of perfection, warm against the cold air and water. So was his face, pressing into my neck, and his lips against my skin. I leaned into him. "This is it," he murmured.

My breathing was too fast, too shallow. I hoped he'd mistake it for the rush of our sprint, but I knew he wouldn't. Not when his hold around me tightened. "What's it?" I asked.

"This moment. This smile." He leaned closer and kissed the corner of my mouth. "It's why I'm more in love with you than yesterday."

I'd been afraid that accepting Jasper Whitlock as my mate would mean I'd lose myself to him. That I'd never be anything besides his mate, like I was almost nothing else but James's monster.

"Blaire –"

He was already so concerned. My throat got tight and uncomfortable. If all I'd ever be was Jasper's mate, maybe that would be okay. He made me feel so safe, so good, so close to normal. So why did giving into our bond feel like just that? A surrender? An admission of defeat?

"I need to hunt." I said before I turned on my heel and tore down the beach, pulling away from him.

Always pulling away.

I raced back up the cliff face and spared a glance back at the beach. Jasper remained down there, hands in his pockets and watching the water as it went back and forth, never settling. Never deciding.

It was uncomfortably familiar.

V

I DIDN'T RETURN until darkness swallowed up the sky. I ran for hours, hunting while not exactly hunting, mapping out a ten-mile radius around the cabin to create a self-imposed barrier until I learned how to control… everything about my new self. It was so easy to set this kind of boundary, I didn't know why I couldn't manage it with Jasper.

Like the damn ocean roaring in my ears, I was pulled back to him. A stubborn part of me clung to the woods at the edge of the cabin, watching soft lamplight pouring out the windows. Much like my new borders, this punishment was self-inflicted. He didn't deserve me.

I wanted to be with him. Desperately. It was instinctual to fit myself in with him. And I liked him. Even before I was turned, I liked him. But liking someone was different than loving them, or being in love with them, and Jasper felt both of those things for me. Love was the name of that weighted emotion Jasper always exuded when we were together, layered underneath every other feeling. I'd been too afraid to give it its name before, but now it was so obvious, I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't pretend to be oblivious.

I was treating him unfairly, but I didn't know how else to. I didn't know… anything.

It only took a second to dart out of the forest and into the house. I threw the front door open with the force of a tempest – accidentally, of course. I caught it before it could slam into the nearest wall and shatter, but that was all I could manage before I froze at the doorway.

Jasper was sprawled out in the middle of the bed, reading a book. The warm light from the dozen candles – not a lamp – cast him in gold and amber. It danced in his golden eyes, making them hot and molten. "Hey," he said, simply.

I forgot what the appropriate response to "hey" was supposed to be. I forgot what I came here to do entirely. My legs itched to bolt out of the room before I did something I would regret, run back into the woods the way the ocean regressed back into itself after sliding along the shore. A gust of wind tore into the house from behind me, cutting through the candle flames. Jasper sighed. "If you're gonna run again, please shut the door behind you. You'll make all the candles go out."

I didn't want to feel like the ocean, unpredictable and unsettled. I wanted to be… normal. Or as normal as I could be.

I shut the door behind me. If Jasper was surprised, he didn't show it as I knelt on the floor next to the bed. I didn't trust myself to get any closer. Another boundary. "I'm sorry," I said.

"I don't want you to be sorry," he replied. "I keep telling you this bond is a choice – your choice. It may have been inevitable for you to meet me and become a vampire, and for me to be your mate, but you don't have to be mine."

"I want to be, though," I said. "I just… want to learn what that means. What all of this means."

The light danced along Jasper as he turned toward me, creating stark shadows on his scars. They reminded me of how his past was just as shrouded, how he said he'd dealt with enough newborn vampires before me –

"I want you to teach me," I said, like it was some sort of revelation.

Jasper didn't smile, but something about him seemed softer. I couldn't name all the emotions he displayed, but they felt steady and gentle. I relaxed when he said, "Then I will."

V

While Blaire's journey and transition into being a vampire is meant to be grittier than Bella's, I think we've all read plenty of Twilight fanfics about characters turning into vampires at this point. And then there's Bella's transition, too! Personally, I feel like the whole thing has become kind of formulaic and boring to read, let alone write. I don't want to write pages upon pages of Blaire learning all the canon lore we as an audience already understand about the Twilight universe, but I do want to show Blaire's reactions to certain laws (and law-makers, which is a hint), as well as show her getting the proper vampiric education she deserves!

Long story short, I'll try and keep these upcoming chapters palatable and interesting for y'all so it won't feel like we're slogging through the motions.

See you guys soon!