Happy New Year! I'm so happy to be back with a new chapter! Sorry it took so long. I'm trying to be more consistent! How are you guys doing? Do you want to share any New Year's resolutions with us?

I usually don't make concrete goals, but focus on words to live my year by. That way I create intention with everything I do. This year, my word is push. Push onward, push myself to a higher standard, push to start!

That being said, I'm pushing to start another project. I've actually started working on it!

A few of y'all have commented and PM'ed me asking if I have any original work outside of this fanfiction. I used to on Wattpad, but I had to remove it due to plagiarism issues because copyright laws basically mean nothing on a site where you can post your writing for free and have it read for free. Sigh. I turned most of my focus on pursuing traditional publication, buuuuut you guys constantly gas me up so much that I want to self-publish an original story for y'all. I'm hoping to finish drafting it this year! My alpha reader has already started reading chapters and she's loving it, so I think you guys will too!

As always, I hope this update finds you well and I'm happy you're here!

MAY

THE AIR WAS CHANGING. INSTEAD of icy winds dancing over the ocean and rushing past the cabin, it turned gentler. Still cold, but not as severe. Jasper said it was because summer was coming. It was hard to conceptualize seasons changing, even here, even now, even when it was happening right before my eyes as less frost stuck to the ground and more animals returned from long sleeps or long migrations away. They moved on with their lives, unaffected. It was hard to realize the world was moving on, and that I was moving with it.

Ever since that night in the cabin, things had been different. It was like crossing through a threshold and into a new world. I'd finally taken charge of my new life and stuck to it. I could breathe easier and didn't feel like I was clawing my heart out of my chest every hour. There were still bad days, but… they were less frequent. Was this what moving on was supposed to feel like? Like undeserved freedom? I still had trouble remembering my human life and accessing the important memories that all led me to where I was now. My mother died because of me, and I couldn't picture her face. And yet every day was getting easier, and I had so much support, and it was so undeserved –

"Blaire," Jasper warned. "Focus."

I blinked, honing my attention back on the elk grazing under the cover of the woods. The sun was out today, and Jasper wanted me to learn how to hunt, but most importantly hide, in the shadows. I sighed, biting back the word "sorry" since he put a ban on it shortly after that night. I straightened up from my crouch, purposefully rustling the undergrowth around me. The elk fled. My throat burned as I watched them bound through the trees, but it didn't drive me to chase after them. Jasper was insistent on regular hunts that constantly kept me satiated. It made everything easier – like learning how to kill without making a huge mess, and not losing control over the killing like James always pushed me toward.

"You've been awfully reflective lately," he said, snapping through my thoughts when he sensed the downturn of my mood.

"I'm… trying," I finally managed. "To understand. To come to grips with what everything means now. It's all so different."

"You're doing well, though." He always liked to remind me of that. Despite everything that happened, I was doing well. Everything happening now was entirely expected. Normal. "It is different. I didn't realize how much so until I was in the middle of it, pretending to be human with the Cullens."

"There used to be so many… rules," I said. "I remember being so stifled with what I had to do all the time, because there wasn't a lot of it. Not for humans. Now because there's all this time in the world, it seems like there's… nothing. No rules, no –"

"Oh, believe me, there are rules," Jasper said. "Being a vampire doesn't mean you suddenly get to do whatever you want."

I frowned. "Then how come that didn't stop James?"

He paused, more to assess my mood than from what I said. He wouldn't find anything more than a deep-seeded aggression, something I knew would always linger whenever I thought about the person who turned me – my sire, Jasper had called it. Satisfied my emotions hadn't taken any drastic turns, he leaned against one of the trees. "Vampires only have select cardinal rules to follow. What James did was… horrible, but it's not one of them."

Horrible. I guessed that was the only word that could be used. It still didn't seem like enough. "What are the rules then?" I asked.

"Don't do anything that could expose our kind, of course," he replied. "And don't turn a child. The rules go more in depth, but that's how they all generally go. They were created by our current rulers, the Vultori."

"What do you mean by current? Does it change?"

"Every so often, yes. Perhaps once a millennium. Right now, the Vultori are the biggest and most powerful of covens, which earns them their influence. Their members are made up almost entirely of gifted vampires, which gives them an advantage against any usurpers." Jasper straightened up and walked in the direction the elk fled and nodded that way. "Let's keep walking."

I bounded after him, barely rustling the undergrowth. "What's a gifted vampire?"

"Someone with an additional power that goes beyond the vampiric norm. I can manipulate emotions, Alice can see the future, Edward can read minds. It's different for everyone who has one – no two are the same."

My skin prickled at the mere mention of Edward. I pictured his face – cold and indifferent – from the call with Bella. She was far too trusting of him. "If vampires aren't supposed to expose themselves to humans, then how can Bella know?"

"She's protected by the Cullens," he replied. "Edward wouldn't let anything happen to her."

"You told me that before. Why –"

"I think you know," Jasper said.

As soon as he said it, I didn't want to know. I could barely understand this bond myself, and I. couldn't believe it was also happening to her. "It isn't fair," I whispered. "She shouldn't have to –"

"Believe me, he's told her. He's tried to convince her that being with him will only mean death. A lot like the way I tried to convince you, actually."

"I was different," I snapped. "I didn't have a choice –"

"You did." The snarl layered under Jasper's words surprised me, along with the hot feeling crawling under my skin. Anger? Annoyance? I'd known the emotions before, but they'd never been directed… at me? "I would've done anything to make sure of it."

The emotion was weird and uncomfortable, but I wouldn't cower from it. Instead, I rose to the challenge. I would go for the throat of the matter. "No, I didn't. I never did, since this was all inevitable anyway. Right?"

Jasper took a large step away from me, the anger extinguished between us as if someone threw cold water on it. It was replaced with something that went deep and pulled. It stole my breath. I hated it. I hated the way his brows knitted closer together, the longing and concern and… sadness radiating from him was its own punishment. So much for not wanting to claw my heart out so often. So much for thinking I'd taken charge of my life.

And like the monster I'd been forced to be, I ran.

V

I KILLED. I killed for the sake of killing, because it made more sense to destroy a herd of elk than try to face Jasper, especially after what I said. Especially after how he reacted to it.

I was killing him, but I was also killing myself in my own way, since James couldn't finish the job.

I didn't deserve any of this. Not what happened before I was turned, and especially not after. There was too much bad in me to change and be anything better than who I was now, which surely meant I didn't deserve any of the good I was getting now.

But like the ocean, I was pulled back to the cabin, back to Jasper, because there was something so much stronger that tethered me to him than the bad, the good, and the past.

I drifted toward the small black house, barely feeling the mist-slicked grass under my bare feet. Jasper talked about getting shoes for me at some point, along with more supplies. It had been a couple of weeks since he said anything, but I'd never really pressed the issue. Because it would mean he'd have to go and get those supplies. That he'd… leave…

But Jasper stood outside the cabin now, wearing different clothes than this morning, with an empty backpack slung over his shoulder.

I stopped walking. Stopped breathing.

"Hold on," he said, right before the panic started icing my veins. "I'm okay. You're all right. We're okay. I just got an email from the place holding our packages saying Alice's order delivered, so I need to pick it up before it gets thrown away or something."

The wind and ocean roared in my ears, nearly drowning out his words. "You're leaving," I said.

"For a day. I will come back to you."

"Is this because of what I said?" I couldn't help but ask. "I didn't mean it –"

"You did," he said. "And you had every right to. Maybe it's a small part of why I'm going today, because I think we could use a little space, but it's mainly because I've put this off long enough. We might not need a lot of human things, but we could both use a couple of their comforts. We're almost out of… everything."

I didn't need those comforts the way I needed him, though. But maybe that was the point. Maybe I needed the reminder that I didn't have to have him the way people needed air. Slowly, I nodded. "Okay."

"Okay." I felt his relief, only slightly dampened by his longing. I brushed it aside. "You know how to use the matches for the candles. How to be delicate with them."

Again, I nodded. There were some human movements I was beginning to find required a new level of dexterity with my new inhuman strength. Striking matches was one of them. It had been easy enough to overcome, just like every other physical challenge of vampirism I'd faced. I only struggled with the emotional. Constantly.

Jasper held out his hand, showing me the phone within it. "If you need anything, call Alice. I'll be back this time tomorrow."

At four-fifty-two in the afternoon. I could wait that long. "Okay."

"You'll be all right, Blaire."

"I know." I didn't, though.

Jasper was still frowning, even as he passed me. His steps halted for a moment – a split-second – as if he were going to pause, before he moved on. I grabbed his arm before he could completely get out of my reach and kissed his cheek. "See you soon," I said.

I was met with more relief. A slight smile quirked the corner of Jasper's mouth up, before he kissed my cheek in return. The touch was fast and featherlight but reassuring. "As soon as I can make it," he replied.

Then he was gone. I looked down at the phone. Four-fifty-eight. He would be back at the same time tomorrow.

I would be all right.

V

CLOUDS ROLLED IN. I watched them stretch over the ocean's horizon to meet me on the beach. The ocean churned, waves pounding into the sand, clawing their way up toward me as the tide came in. I dug my toes further into the sand, planting myself firmly into the ground even though a natural part of me wanted to recoil from the oncoming storm.

It had been three hours since Jasper left, and I was all right. A small, wicked part of me was relieved to be alone, and maybe that was why he left. He seemed to know my heart better than I did. He could always stop my emotions from overwhelming me with a simple word, change my mood with a gentle reminder that I could take a break. That I could stop before slipping over the edge that made me as horrible as James had envisioned.

I wished I knew how to do it for myself.

An icy cold droplet stabbed into my skin, startling me. Then it was followed by another, and another, until a fine mist coated my hair and clothes, clustered on my eyelashes, and drove me up to my feet.

There used to be a time when I loved the rain. When it felt familiar. When it felt like home. I couldn't remember why it made me so uneasy now.

Whatever the reason, the feeling won out, and I clambered back up the steep cliff. The dampened soil gave under my fingers easier, making the assent one second longer than usual. As soon as I was on solid ground, I darted into the cabin and shut the door behind me. I closed it a little too hard and made the glass rattle. Outside, the clouds kept coming, along with a sense of foreboding I couldn't shake.

I tried to push it aside and took a shower. The heat, the pounding water, had become one of the few things to calm me, besides Jasper. I counted each steady breath I pulled in, and out, until there were over two hundred and the water turned lukewarm. As soon as I cut off the water, I heard it.

A soft drizzle. Raindrops hitting the roof.

It was perfectly normal. It should have been. I didn't know why I trembled as I dried off and changed into a set of clothes that felt stale against my skin because they hadn't been washed with detergent. Jasper wasn't wrong. We were running out of everything. He was right to go today. I wasn't upset.

I just didn't know why my hands kept shaking.

The rain was louder outside the bathroom, pattering on the glass and stinging in my ears like needles. The house was terribly dark, and terribly quiet. I just needed to light some candles. Maybe then the unease would leave me. With a huff, I darted toward the matchbox on the empty kitchen island. The entire box rattled as I pulled out one match and pressed it against the box. But I wasn't gentle enough. The match snapped in half, the box splintered, and a wave of over a dozen matchsticks sprayed all around me.

"Dammit, Blaire!" I snarled at myself.

Silence met me. No wry comments from Jasper, no answering flitter of his amusement to meet me, no soft rustling movement from him to help me pick up the mess. I was utterly alone. I couldn't remember being so isolated –

Except I could. With startling clarity.

VRRGH! VRRGH!

Jasper's phone vibrated on the kitchen island, its display screen bright, cutting through the dark. I didn't move toward it, I couldn't. My feet were frozen in place. I had a phone call that night too.

"Bee… something happened…"

That was what my mom said, right? I could hear her voice perfectly. How many times had I tried to remember it when I was with James? How many times had I come up short?

The night she called me with the news – the news that changed everything – it had been raining.

"We found Waylon…"

Waylon.

There had been silence just like tonight, too. It'd felt terrible. Hopeless. And the rain poured harder.

I dropped to my knees, curling in on myself. Memories assaulted me and came in like the violent ocean waves outside. His grin, his crackling voice – I missed the sound of everyone's voices so much – and the deep navy of his Forks PD uniform. I was happiest in that color, wrapped up in a puffer jacket, or with his hat sitting low on my head. He made me the happiest, the smartest, the bravest…

"He didn't make it…"

I didn't, either.

The air in my lungs was too thin. I couldn't pull enough in, making my breaths harsh and shallow. My throat was thick. I was crying, but I didn't have tears to shed. The rain outside had to be enough.

"An animal… must've found him…"

Lightning flashed. For a second, it illuminated my reflection in the windows – wild and red-eyed and monstrous – and a second was all it took.

To realize I had killed Waylon, and my mom, and that Charlotte was right.

Once again, I was running. My own scream echoed in my ears – the one I made the night I found out my uncle had been killed, along with the one that ripped itself from my throat, just as loud as the thunder rolling over the ocean.

V

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER that was a blur of teeth, fur, blood, and Waylon and my mom's faces. Their memories lashed at me like a whip, scarring my heart, and I didn't stop the violence until it was over. Until the storm had passed, until the entire night had passed, until I drank so much blood I couldn't physically hold anymore in me. Until I threw it back up. Until I was mindless and numb in my rage and grief. Until I couldn't see anything but red.

When I found myself again, I was curled up in the woods, surrounded by a blood. I was lying in a pool of it. For the first time since becoming a vampire, I was repulsed by it. I hated it.

I hated me.

I started crying again. Waylon was gone. My mom was gone. I hadn't told either of them that I loved them before… before they were gone. And I was still here. The one person that shouldn't have been.

I should have died.

But instead, I was sitting up, because I didn't want to be covered in even more blood than I already was. Because I was still alive.

I was still here.

I sighed on my palms pressed so hard against my face, then I breathed deeper. Slower. I kept my eyes closed, trying my best to pull Waylon and my mom's memories safely into my heart, where I would keep them locked forever. I would have that long.

In a way, they would have that too.

I cried again in more ugly heaving sobs until there was nothing left. Until there was absolutely left but me and the air that still smelled like loam. Until I was just as quiet as everything around me.

The quiet didn't feel as horrible as last night.

It was still sad, but it wasn't as hopeless.

There would be good days and bad ones throughout… this existence. But I would survive them, as I survived everything else.

V

I CLEANED THE cabin. I collected the matches, mopped up the rainwater that had come in through the door I'd left open last night in the wave of my panic, took a shower and cleaned myself up, separated all the clothes that would be washed as soon as Jasper came back. It wouldn't be much longer until he came back. I didn't count the hours or the minutes.

I laid on the massive bed, using it for the first time since Jasper brought me here, staring out at the world through the windowpanes. The sky was clear and bright, sending in shafts of golden sunlight. It painted my skin in glimmering, iridescent strokes. I watched it dance along my arms and decided that my freckles hadn't disappeared, but were simply transformed like the rest of me.

I left the door open again, letting in the cool, salty air and the sound of ocean.

I felt Jasper's return before I saw him. I sensed his eagerness, his longing, the subtle worry that made my chest tight.

He slipped in like another ray of sunlight with his windswept golden hair and eyes and glittering skin. He didn't say anything as he dropped his backpack and a couple of boxes at the doorway. He settled on the bed beside me, leaning close to brush my hair back and press his lips against my forehead before retreating, giving us the space to breathe. Then, finally, "How are you?"

His voice was low, barely cresting over the ocean waves. Soft, like everything else about him in the moment. I took the time to memorize every single part of him before I answered.

"I'm all right," I whispered.

V

I honestly loved this chapter so much. I think it'll be something I come back and re-read for myself. I constantly find myself swept up in Blaire's emotions because they're so raw and brutal and beautiful. Maybe also because in a way, they're mine too. Somehow, our journeys cross over and she represents the catharsis I need, the love that surrounds me, and the hope things will get better.

See you guys next time!