Chapter 20

It was a little after nine in the morning and we were all having breakfast in the kitchen when someone rang the doorbell. As it turned out, it was Dominic, Paula and Henry's brother, who decided to come earlier and bring some friends along. To our astonishment, the newly arrived brought loads of alcohol and so many frozen pizzas that we had to store them outside as there was no room in the freezer. No one had predicted that our little New Year's Eve party was going to be a huge bender.

Now, standing by the living room window with Paula at my side, I was observing the front garden. Our boyfriends and Marco were unloading the contents of the car boot and storing it in the garage, while Dominic was flirting with his friends and not lifting a damn finger to help.

"I still can't believe he brought two of them," Paula said quietly, gazing out the window. "That's two too many."

I shrugged. "Well, he's nineteen. He can bring friends of his own choosing."

"I'm not saying I want to forbid him having friends just because he's only nineteen." She gave me a look. "I'm just not sure such friends are good for him."

I laughed. "Are you his mum or sister?"

"Oh, stop it, Lexi" Paula snorted. "Mary and Hazel are too old for him, and yet he brought them along."

"Sometimes boys like older girls," I said. "Maybe Dom is one of them."

Paula sighed loudly. "I hope not."

"Anyway. They look quite nice." I fixed my eyes on Dominic and the girls. "I'm sure they won't hurt him if that's what you're worried about." I smiled.

My best friend gave me a look and sat on the sofa, leaving me by the window. "I can't stomach Hazel," she said angrily. "Amanda claims she overheard her boasting about scoring a guy in a bathroom during a family party. I bet she's able to do that."

Laughing, I turned around to face her. "I'm sure that's not true." When Paula frowned, I added, "Sure, Hazel sometimes looks a bit like a slut–"

"Told you," she chimed in.

I sat in the armchair and went on, "But appearances can be deceiving. Remember that, my sweet little bestie."

Paula clenched her jaw, evidently unconvinced. "No matter what you say I'm not going to buy that shit. She's a slut, period." She crossed her arms. "And I'm taller than you, little one."

Laughing, I tucked both my feet beneath me. "I hoped you wouldn't notice that."

"I notice everything, sunshine" she said, smiling. "About that…" Her smile faded as she asked, "Did you talk with Henry about yesterday?"

For a long moment I stared at the fireplace, thinking about this morning and the short talk I had with him. Sadly, it didn't go as planned, but at least I talked with him and shared my worries. "I tried," I replied, fixing my eyes on her, "but he shrugged and said it was nothing."

"Do you believe him?" she asked, watching me carefully.

This time, it was my turn to shrug. "I don't know," I said, avoiding eye contact. "One part of me tells me that everything's okay and I don't need to worry, but the other claims there's something wrong with him. I just don't know what to do."

"Watch him under wraps. See if there's something off about him and his behaviour. That's the best advice I can give you, Lexi." Paula flashed me a sad smile and I nodded. "I've known my brother for twenty two years. He's never had problems with drugs or alcohol, and he's been always a good student," she said quietly, playing with the fastening of her hoodie. "I know that he can behave like a spoilt brat, even though he's twenty four, and annoy everyone within a five mile radius."

"Just five? I would say that at least twenty," I joked.

"That's true." Paula laughed. "Either way," she went on, "we both love him and know that yesterday's behaviour was strange and something must be done about it."

"Right. We still have two days to figure it out," I said.

"Do you want to go outside with me and check on the boys?" Paula asked, standing up. "I do hope they unloaded the pizzas and booze because there's still much to do." My best friend approached the front door and grabbed her jacket and shoes. "And knowing them, we would have to do it ourselves."

"Well, I hope they were supervised by Marco." I got to my feet and walked up to her. "He's like their guardian angel and, thankfully, watches their every step." Having flashed her a smile, I put my jacket and shoes on.

Paula giggled. "If he's the guardian angel, then we're the archangels with super big wings." She spread her arms, showing the span of some invisible wings. "They're that fucking big."

"Like Cassian's," I said, laughing. "Or Rhysand's."

She smirked. "Oh, you mean Tyler's sex role model. Girl, last night was… OMG." She sighed loudly and had a goofy smile on her lips.

"Okay." I made a face. "Let's go outside because I really don't want to listen to that."

"You have no idea what you're missing, Lexi Plexi." Paula looped her arm through mine and pressed closer. "My second advice?" She lowered her voice and added, "Start having sex with my brother. You're not going to regret it."

Huffing, I said, "You know, you should quit your job as a receptionist and start working as a sex therapist."

"I think that you've just found my dream job." Paula burst out laughing. "Next week, I'm going to send my CV and start wearing glasses. I would look smarter with them."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Come on, smartass. We had to check on the boys. Remember?"

"Of course, I do. It was my idea after all." She adjusted her invisible glasses and gave me a smug smile. "Let's go. I'm ready to give them an earful."

###

Though it was almost five in the afternoon and the sun had already disappeared, we decided to go for a short walk. Well, frankly speaking, it was Paula's idea because she wanted to show us their favourite tree and didn't take no for an answer. So after lots of sighs, pleas, and rolling eyes, we all agreed on her marvellous idea and I regretted doing it every damn minute of our stroll.

Slightly frozen and bored to death, I was walking next to Amanda and trying to warm my hands in my jacket pockets. Had I known it were so cold outside, I would have brought my blue gloves. But I was stupid enough to leave them in the bedroom where they were waiting for me to return. Damn it, Lexi.

"When we'll go back, I will kill her," Amanda said, shaking with chills and hiding her hands in her sleeves. "I don't care if she's my friend or if it's the last day of the year… I will gladly do it."

I laughed quietly, looking at her. "You have to get in line, sugar. I am first to execute her today and I'm not going to let go."

"We can always share." Amanda narrowed her eyes. "It's easier to do something together. One will hold her, while the other will do the job."

"Very well." I flashed her a smile. "But first, we have to go back home."

Amanda's face darkened at the thought and her eyes were immediately fixed on Paula. "I don't think we're going back yet," she added. "That blonde bimbo is having the time of her life."

When I glanced at Paula, I saw her talking and laughing with Tyler and Dominic. The three of them didn't seem to be frozen or bored like me, but were joyful and full of energy. I didn't know how it was even possible at this temperature.

"They must be drinking something," Amanda said, still shaking and hiding her hands. "I wish I had taken a bottle with me. I'm sure no one would even notice one missing vodka with all that booze stashed in the fridge." She snorted. "At least, I would be happy and stop shaking like that."

When I giggled, she glared at me.

"Sorry." I flashed her an apologetic smile. "Had I snitched a bottle of vodka, I would have happily shared it with you, Amanda."

She rolled her eyes, but there was a smile on her lips when she said, "I would have appreciated it."

Having looked at Paula and the boys again, I noticed that Hazel stopped talking on the phone and grabbed Dominic's arm, blabbing and laughing like an idiot.

One year older than me, Hazel was a really pretty girl with brown eyes and long dark hair. Tall and slim, she was like a walking and breathing supermodel but her rather unpleasant voice was off-putting. It was so awful that I simply didn't like talking or listening to her and avoided both things as best as I could. Unlike his elder sister, who admitted she despised her and kept calling her 'slut', Dominic was so stuck on her that he could spend hours with her and didn't seem sick of it.

"You know," I turned my head towards Amanda, "Paula said that she didn't like Hazel and I didn't agree with her. But the more time I spend with her, the more I am convinced she was right." I set my eyes upon Hazel and her dark hair. "Paula had even called her a slut… And to make things worse, she doesn't know it yet that Hazel has already slept with Dom."

Amanda laughed. "How do you know?"

"Ty told me before we went out." When Amanda kept laughing, I looped my arm through hers and pressed closer. When she finally calmed down, I added quietly, "He had a long talk with him at Christmas and Dom admitted he had sex with Hazel on Halloween."

Amanda whistled. "Well done. He's a man now." When I sighed, she said, "Okay, I'm sorry. I've known him since we were children and I'm really happy he had finally enjoyed sex." She smiled. "You should be next."

Suddenly feeling angry at her, I stopped in the middle of the path and said, "First Paula, now you. What is wrong with you, people? Why do you all think I should have sex with Henry? That I should lose my virginity with him?" I crossed my arms and added, "I don't feel bad about being a twenty-two-year-old virgin."

"Sweetie, no one's judging you." Amanda came closer and put her hand on my arm. "Actually, I admire you. I wasn't so determined to keep my virginity for the man of my life and lost it with a footballer after one of the matches." She made a face. "It wasn't romantic at all."

Sighing, I lowered my hands. "I don't need it to be romantic, Amanda," I said. "I just want to do it with the man I love and feel safe with. Don't get me wrong. I love Henry very much, but… I haven't thought about spending my whole life with him. Well, at least not yet."

"No worries." Amanda smiled and we continued our walk. "Take your time, girl. I'm sure that he would understand because he loves you and you mean a world to him. Everyone sees that."

"Well, the thing is that he keeps talking about sleeping with me." When Amanda looked at me, I added, "He's joking about it, but I think that he's sex-starved. That the things we do… aren't enough for him."

Amanda frowned. "Well, I'm not an expert but I think you should talk with him, Lexi. Tell him what you feel and ask about his feelings, too." She flashed me a smile. "This way your relationship will be stronger and based on trust and honesty."

"Thanks, Amanda." I smiled.

"You're welcome, sweetie. That's what friends are for." She put her hand on my arm again and squeezed it. "I told you yesterday that you could talk with me about anything."

I nodded.

"Ah, damn it!" Amanda exclaimed, hiding her hand into her pocket. "I will truly kill her and no one will ever find her body."

Laughing, I said, "So it's a good thing that Marco isn't here. He doesn't have to witness your murder."

"And to think I could have come with him and Henry to buy some fizzy drinks," she grunted. "I wouldn't feel so cold."

I shrugged. "Or you could have stayed at home like Mary did."

"True. But I've already read the second part of ACOTAR and I don't have anything else to read." She made a sad face. "You didn't bring books with you, did you?"

"Sorry."

"Maybe I should ask Hazel for books," Amanda said. When I gave her a doubtful look, she added, "Yeah, I know. She doesn't look like a walking library. I don't think she has ever read a single book in her whole life. Well, come to think of it… I don't believe she can read at all."

I burst out laughing. "Stop it, Amanda."

"Don't tell me that didn't cross your mind at some point." She smiled. "Sure, she's texting a lot, but I haven't seen her with a book or paper in years. And remember that I've known her for a long time."

Suddenly, we both went silent, watching the dark bare trees around us and hoping to get warm. The rest of our friends were far ahead and there was no one to eavesdrop on us. So I glanced at Amanda and said, "There's one thing that is bothering me."

"Sure, shoot."

"I was watching Hazel during our lunch today and all she did was laughing and talking about shit," I added. "But then, she tried to talk with Henry and… their conversation was rather awkward. Or at least I found it like that."

As a matter of fact, Hazel was trying to talk with Henry about his job, hobbies and mutual friends, but he didn't seem to be interested in a conversation with her. Instead of speaking with his hands and smiling a lot, as he was always doing, Henry was just using sentences of less than two words and avoided all eye contact with her. I didn't know why he was behaving like that, and added that situation to Henry's 'awkward behaviour' list that was created the other evening. To be honest, one of the most terrifying things about that list was the fact that it was constantly expanding and including stranger examples.

"Well, yeah, I saw that, too." Amanda went silent. "They were dating some years ago but it didn't work," she said after a while.

I nodded, staring at the trees again. "I see. We don't talk much about his exes."

"Who does?" Amanda shrugged. "Don't worry, sweetie. There will come a time when you will talk with him about everything. About the past. About the present. About the future. Do you know what we call it? Marriage." She winked.

I flashed her a smile. "Maybe one day I will find out."

"Sure," she beamed. "I'm saving money to buy a freaking awesome dress for your wedding so don't disappoint me, sweetie."

Laughing, I said, "I won't."

"All right, then." She sighed, but then squeaked, startling me a bit. "I see the house!" she exclaimed. "Yes! Finally a place to warm my little body."

When I looked left, I too saw the blue walls of the lake house and felt really relieved. Just like Amanda, I was frozen to the marrow and ready to warm my big arse near the fireplace. Good God, I was yearning for fire and a blanket, but there was still a good distance between me and the warmth of the house. But I knew I would make it. I had to.

By the time we got to the house, Paula and the rest of our friends had already been there, and were talking with Marco who was unloading the car boot. At first glance, it seemed they bought enough fizzy drinks to throw several New Year's Eve parties, but it wasn't for me to say. Paula was organising the party so she was making all the decisions regarding food and drinks, and I had to agree to it.

Having looked around, I didn't see Henry anywhere so I asked Marco, "Where's Henry? Weren't you supposed to go with him?"

"I was, bambina," he looked at me, "but he said he had a call and couldn't come with me. So I went shopping alone."

I frowned. "He keeps getting calls, don't you think?"

Paula shrugged. "It's probably something connected with his job. You know that sometimes it's hard to make a break from your work."

"But it's Sunday, for God's sake," Tyler chimed in. "Don't they know that people relax at the weekend?"

"Well, maybe they don't," Amanda said. "So let's show them the right way to spend Sunday and New Year's Eve."

Paula smiled and high-fived her. "That's the spirit!"

"We're all little tired after the stroll," Tyler gave his girlfriend a long look, "and I think it's time to relax. Marco, leave that shit be, and let's get a drink. We'll finish that later with Dom and Henry."

Marco sighed and closed the car boot. "All right. It's damn cold. I could really use a drink."

"Me too," Hazel cut in, still holding Dominic's hand. "I want a big glass of icy cold vodka. Anyone else?" She looked around, flashing us a smile.

"Oh, I want one, too." Dominic laughed and raised his hand. Unlike the rest of us, he didn't notice the dismissive look that Paula gave him, because he went on, "I think we should start the party now. Why wait until eight o'clock?"

In response to his bold words, Hazel kissed his cheek and mumbled something about the dangerous combination of him and alcohol. Slightly amused, I exchanged a look with Amanda who was covering her mouth with a hand, obviously trying to hide her grin.

"Right." Tyler smiled. "So let's get inside and start that party." His words were greeted enthusiastically and we soon started walking towards the main door, chatting and laughing with one another.

Having looked over my shoulder, I noticed I didn't close the gate. So I stopped abruptly and said aloud, "Shit. The gate is open."

Amanda looked at me. "Sorry, sweetie. You were the last one to enter. It's your turn to close it. Do the duty." She winked and disappeared in the house.

Huffing, I approached the gate as fast as I could and closed it. Then, just as quickly, I ran towards the house and opened the main door, saying, "The gate is closed and no one will get in without an invitation." I slammed the door and turned around.

Everyone in the living room was silent and looking at me with pity in their eyes. Feeling a bit confused, I frowned and opened my mouth to ask what was going on, but then I heard it as well.

A low, continuous moan was coming from upstairs and it was accompanied by the sound of a dull thud. As if someone was…

I blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

With a racing heart, I looked at the stairs and made a step forward. From the corner of my eye, I noticed that Paula tried to grab my hand and probably stop me, but Tyler caught her before she was even able to touch me.

Step by step, I was climbing the stairs with a sinking heart.

The sounds were getting louder with every second I spent on scrambling to the top.

Dazed, I finally reached the first floor and turned left.

And then I saw them.

Leaning against the wall, she was wrapping her legs around his back and kissing his neck. With her eyes closed, she passed her fingers through his hair and let out another moan of ecstasy. In response, he picked up the pace and laughed quietly, making my skin crawl.

Second after second, I was standing there, desperately trying to process everything that was happening right before my eyes. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn't blink. It was like I froze in the middle of the short corridor with my eyes wide opened, and wasn't able to go anywhere.

Her moans stopped rapidly when he kissed her passionately, saying into her mouth, "I love you."

Something cracked inside me.

I love you. He was saying that to me all the time.

I love you. In the morning – right after he woke up.

I love you. During the day – in time to make my shitty day bright again.

I love you. At night – just before he fell asleep.

I love you. I heard those three words so many times that I got used to them, and hearing them at the moment made me feel sick.

Gasping, I covered my mouth with a hand, and that sound caught her attention. All of a sudden, she opened her eyes and looked directly at me, ceasing to move.

The horror I saw in Mary's brown eyes was nothing compared to the horror that was now filling my whole body. It was flowing in my veins, getting into every part of my shattered heart. It was clinging to my arms and legs, making it impossible for me to move. It was even intoxicating my thoughts, forcing me to fix my eyes on them and watch them have sex against the wall.

I blinked.

Alerted by Mary's stillness, Henry gave her a look. What he saw in her face made him turn his head left, directly towards me, and stay completely motionless. "Fuck," he said loudly, still with his penis inside her.

That was it.

I turned around and headed for the stairs, deaf and blind to everything that was behind my back.

"Lexi, wait," Henry exclaimed.

I have to leave.

"Lexi, please. Let me explain." He was following me as I heard his footsteps. "Lexi, darling, wait." There was fear in his voice.

I have to escape.

"Lexi, I'm begging you. Wait."

Almost running down the stairs, I felt something wet on my cheeks but I was too preoccupied with escaping this place to even bother. When I finally got down, my friends were still standing next to the door, exactly where I left them seconds ago, and most of them weren't looking at me. Good. I didn't care.

I had to get out.

With a shaking hand, I pressed the handle and opened the door. Then, I stormed out of the house and immediately tripped, falling to the ground.

"Lexi, wait," Henry said but his voice was still coming from the house. So he didn't go after me as I thought he would. As I – stupid cow – hoped he would…

"You're not going anywhere, arsehole." It was Tyler. The next thing I heard was the slam of the door and everything went silent.

On my knees and with my head bent, I let the tears fall.

It was unbearable.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to say.

All I wanted to do was cry my heart out and stop that terrible pain in my chest. At times, it seemed so real that I wanted to scratch it out of the place where my heart used to be and toss it somewhere into the forest. I wanted to get rid of it at all cost. I wanted to put an end to it for good.

With tears still running down my face, I clenched my fists over and over again, frantically trying to forget the image of the two of them banging in the corridor. I squeezed my already swollen eyes but it stayed in my mind anyway.

Hiding my face in my hands, I let out a cry full of pain, and felt that my body started shaking. The pain in my chest deepened, making me hard to breathe. "Oh, God. Oh, God," I kept saying, squeezing my eyes again.

But nothing worked.

No tears, no pleas, no cries of pain, and surely no broken hearts could make it all go away.

Everything I saw today truly happened and destroyed my whole life.

I was unwanted.

I was lost.

I was alone.

Alone.

I wanted to be alone.

Still hiding my face, I felt someone's hand on my back, but I didn't look up immediately. When I opened my eyes after a while, all I could see was blinding brightness.