She was scared of everything when she came to Kinloch Hold.
Could she be blamed? All her life, she was taught that magic was heretical and wrong and cursed, that all those who wielded that, all those with mana running through their veins, were nothing more than the magisters of the Tevinter Imperium, biding their time and waiting to reenact the single most disastrous event in Chantry history. All her life, that was what she knew. This was why when her appearance changed all after one night, she felt panic well up in her and she ran to the nearest chantry to turn herself in.
Now she was in the Circle of Magi and her shaking had not stopped ever since she had boarded the boat. The templars taking her there were civil enough but she had seen what humans tend to do with elves back at the alienage so she didn't know what to expect from them. Perhaps they were thinking of drowning her in the middle of the lake, perhaps they just wanted to bring her to the Circle Tower, perhaps they had no opinions of her, but what more was she to expect? She had done what was right, but as she looked at her hands that shook so uncontrollably and as she felt her heartbeat that thudded against her chest, she had her doubts at that moment.
Her first day was fraught with measurements taken, allowances made in robes too big on her, whispers behind her back about how strange she looked, further whispers when the First Enchanter seemed to have focused on her. She never reacted to the whispers but she also didn't know what to do when the First Enchanter insisted on being the only one to teach her. Too many times she had frozen something she was meant to burn or sent a jolt of lightning through something she was meant to burn. But even then, First Enchanter Irving would only nudge her arm, tell her to concentrate hard and cast the spell. If she failed, he would send her off to rest, if she succeeded, she would get a pat on the head and move on to the next lesson. Despite First Enchanter Irving's patience, she could tell he wasn't happy with her current progress. One time, when she was early in arriving at her morning lessons with him, she overheard him speaking to the Knight-Commander, something about tranquillity and her being a danger.
Her fear and panic returned and she ran away to hide. She knew that not many knew where she would often hide when the world became too much and for that, she was relieved. So she ran to the supply closet and began moving the crates and cleaning materials. It was a tight fit but since she was so small she managed to stay hidden there until the world became more bearable for her. She didn't know how long she had spent in the darkness of the closet but all she remembered was that she fell asleep and the next thing she knew, she was being shaken by someone.
"-ake up! Wake up!" Blearily, she opened her eyes to meet wide, grey ones that reflected the fear that had suffocated her earlier, "What are you doing here? You shouldn't be hiding!" The human boy whispered, his tone urgent, Before she could reply, he held out a hand to her, shaking it slightly to emphasise she take it. "Come, before the templars think you tried to escape!"
Despite her alarm at being found out by someone, she took his hand the moment he spoke with urgency in his tone. His hold was tight as if he was scared she would slip out of his hold and because of that, she clung just a bit tighter. Before she could ask him anything, he began leading her farther and farther away from the supply closet, taking her through twists and turns in the Circle Tower before going around and walking around until they ended up in the library. The boy looked at the tall shelves filled with books she can't begin to understand and he clucked his tongue thoughtfully before nodding.
"Leave the talking to me, just pick up one of the lower books there and open a page, I could come up with stuff to work with like that." He instructed her before patting the top of her head.
She followed as he said and pulled one of the bigger but thinner volumes out of the lower shelf. She recognised it as one of the books First Enchanter Irving had shown her in her previous lessons and she flipped to a page with pictures in it. She didn't understand what this was about, even less when the First Enchanter began speaking about Spirit Healers and Dreamers but she tried to keep her focus on the book just like the boy had told her.
It took at least a quarter of an hour before she heard the Knight-Commander's voice barking out orders to overturn everything to find her. She tried to keep herself from making any sound and just like that, the boy went by her side and pointed to a random picture.
"That right there is a Spirit of Hope, at least a vague illustration of what the spirit looked like to one of the Dreamers that saw it." The boy's voice was louder than before, changing his tone as if he was speaking to a child.
She huffed and shot him a glare. "I know that." she retorted, her voice coming out softer with less of a bite than she would have liked.
The boy smiled, raising his brows, "Really? The First Enchanter must be doing great in teaching you then!" he replied easily before flipping the page and pointing to the first paragraph.
She didn't know what was going on until the Knight-Commander's voice was so close it can only mean he had stopped in front of them.
"So that's where Irving's pupil had been," his tone was harsh and unforgiving, it made her freeze, want to hide again, but the boy held her hands in place by making it look like she needed help in holding up the book.
"Knight-Commander Greagoir, did something happen?" the boy asked innocently.
The Knight-Commander scoffed. "Only that that elf with you had decided to skip her studies with Irving!" he then narrowed his eyes at the boy, "And to think she did all this to play truant with you of all things."
Though she couldn't see the boy's expression, she heard the smile in his voice when he replied. "What can I say, Knight-Commander, I'm a charming boy."
She let out a giggle. The sound of her voice making that sound alarmed her and she looked up at the Knight-Commander who also looked just as surprised. All too quickly, the surprise went away and his signature scowl returned.
"The moment you finish, go back to Irving," he snapped, causing her to flinch, "the man's been worried sick over you not coming in for your lessons."
"Yes, sir," she replied, her voice coming out as a mumble.
The boy just nudged her before he grinned when she met his gaze.
"I'll bring you to the First Enchanter, how about that?" he whispered to her the moment the Knight-Commander had gone away.
She nodded her head and the boy closed the book they were holding up together. It was a silent walk before she realised something.
"The First Enchanter and the Knight-Commander said something about tranquillity and my being a danger," she said quietly, fidgeting with her sleeves.
The boy stopped walking and he frowned. "Tranquillity?" He echoed before he shook his head, "First Enchanter Irving can't be thinking of doing that to you, he said you have a lot of potential."
"I don't think so." she mumbled quietly, looking at her hands before tucking them behind her. "All my spells come out wrong."
"Wrong?" the boy echoed.
"I end up with snow when I need fire." she explained, her voice coloured with shame.
The boy whistled before he stopped walking and he held out his hands to her. "What do you see in your mind when you try it?"
"Nothing." she tried not to pout since she didn't think it was becoming of her to do so, "I just feel cold and scared when I do."
The boy nodded, a pensive look on him before he smiled. "Alright, why don't you think of something warm?" He suggested brightly, "Something that makes you feel less cold and scared and more…warm and safe maybe? If it's not a place or a memory, make one up!"
She was quiet for a bit before she nodded. "I'll try."
The two walked in silence from then on with her trying to summon even a small tongue of fire to her hands only to huff out in frustration as a jolt of lightning rushed through her instead.
"Close your eyes and imagine a warm fireplace or the candles in the chantry." the boy instructed her, "think of the hottest thing you could think of and then just, try to push it towards something more…outside of you."
The hottest thing she could think of?
She closed her eyes and thought of shouting, angry and loud, of burning alienage buildings set fire to by humans that think they didn't deserve homes, of the sun during the worst of a drought where no water could be had, a slap that leaves red marks on one's face that stung badly.
She felt something hot at her fingertips and the boy's voice came out as a delighted cheer.
When she opened her eyes, she let out a gasp at the sight of a small flickering tongue of fire dancing over her fingers.
"I did it." she breathed out, turning to look at the boy, a smile finally graced her lips. "I did it! Thank you!"
The boy smiled and did a bow with a flourish, a cheeky grin appearing on his face. "Always happy to be at your service, Miss…?"
She hesitated. First Enchanter Irving had promised her a new name and she didn't know what to make of it since her old name made her feel uneasy. Her new names were meant to be divided between the ones she trusted and the strangers. Hesitantly, she held out a hand and took in a fortifying breath.
"Paraluman," she told him, a hesitant smile gracing her lips, "My name is Paraluman Surana."
The boy took her hand and shook it firmly, "I'm Jowan," he told her, "just Jowan."