Previously on "A Court of Fear and Ice"

After waking up from reliving her nightmare, Lexi finds herself kneeling on the street. While she was out, Rhysand has stabbed Bryaxis and prevented him from harming another person. Devastated and overwhelmed by her memories, she breaks down and is comforted by Rian. Having listened to the conversation between the High Lord and Bryaxis, she finds out that killing the shadowy being means she will be trapped in Prythian forever. Yet, Rhysand delivers the final blow to Bryaxis and ends his life.

Chapter 23

Minute after minute, I was sitting on the street and squeezing my eyes tightly.

Still dazed, I couldn't believe what had just happened. Though I saw everything with my own eyes, my mind found it a bit difficult to acknowledge that Bryaxis was just about to take our lives, mine and Meleri's. Had it not been for Rhysand and Rian, we would have been dead, lying on the street and staring mindlessly at the night sky.

Just like Bryaxis.

I shivered, remembering the moment when his head hit the street. It was the same moment when I realised that I got stuck in a made-up world for good, and that the life I had always known burst like a bubble.

"Oh, God," I whispered and tears started running down my cheeks. I knew now I would never see my family and friends again. I would never talk with them, hug them, and simply be with them. Everything I had known was gone forever.

I shivered again, trying to warm my arms against the cool wind. My clothes were thin and soon I got goose bumps but I wasn't ready to move. Not yet.

There were quiet footsteps in front of me and I heard Rian asking, "Lexi, are you all right?"

"Leave her be, Rin," Rhysand said in a low voice.

That's right, I thought, still refusing to open my eyes and face my new reality. Leave me be. All of you. Let me stay on this street until my last breath. Let me rot in this city for the rest of my life. Let me die in this world that isn't mine.

The street around us was quiet. Though the tall townhouses were nearby, none of their inhabitants were willing enough to go outside and check what was going on by the library. Either they preferred to mind their own business, or the Night Court guys created a mute spell and no one heard a thing.

"Father? What will we do now?" Meleri asked quietly.

That's a good question, I thought and opened my eyes. Thankfully, Bryaxis's head disappeared and the street in front of me was now empty. I really didn't want to know what happened to his head. It was gone and that was enough for me.

Rhysand sighed and said, "We will fly to the House."

I glanced at him but didn't say a thing.

"You all need to rest," he added, hugging Meleri and looking at me and Rian. "In the morning, I will call a meeting concerning tonight's events. But first, there is one thing I want to do."

He let go of his youngest and kissed her forehead. Then, he did something I wasn't expecting.

Falling on one knee in front of me and putting a hand on his chest, Rhysand said, "Alexandra, I solemnly swear to find a way to send you back home. I will not let you stay forever in a world that is not yours, nor will I let you get separated from your family and loved ones."

Astonished, I slightly opened my mouth as Rhysand went on, "If you want to blame someone, blame me. I am the one who is responsible for everything that had happened tonight. And I will make amends for it." He extended his hand towards me. "All you have to do is accept my promise. There are no catches or hidden prices. I'm offering it willingly and readily. I will not demand anything in return."

Staring at Rhysand's handsome face, which looked so much as Rian's, I came to realise that he was probably the only person able to send me back home. I wasn't entirely sure if he could really open a portal to Earth, but I trusted him. I really did.

So without further hesitation, I squeezed his warm fingers, and said, "I accept your promise."

Rhysand nodded and the air between us stirred.

"You know the custom, don't you?" he said, standing up and pointing at my arm. "The tattoo is small and inconspicuous, in contrast to the other one you have recently got." He glanced at Rian who shrugged. "It will fade the moment I fulfil my promise, which I do believe will happen within the next couple of weeks," Rhysand added.

"Weeks?" I repeated quietly.

I couldn't stay here for weeks. I had to go back to my world as soon as possible. Everything and everyone around me were untrue and created by someone else, and I didn't even want to think about the dangers of staying forever in such a world.

I couldn't live in Prythian. I just couldn't.

But he promised to find a way, Lexi, I reminded myself, looking at Rhysand and taking a deep breath. He made a promise and you know he would keep his word. He always does.

"No problem." I stood up and managed to give him a small smile. "Thank you for trying."

"That's the least I can do," he said and put his arm around Meleri. "It's getting late and we need to go back to the House. I'll take Melly with me, and you will fly with Rian."

Then, they were gone.

I glanced at Rian who was standing next to me with his arms crossed. He was observing me with a blank face.

"I think I will walk to the House," I said, turning back.

Fast as lightning, Rian blocked my way, making me stop. "No, it's too far."

"I don't mind walking."

"Honey, it's too far." He got closer and peered into my face. "You're tired, I can see that. You won't be able to climb up all those stairs."

"I can do it." When he opened his mouth to protest, I went on, "I need time to think, Rian. A lot has changed today and I need to give some thought to everything." I swallowed hard, fighting tears. "You know this isn't my world. I don't belong here. And the thought of not seeing my parents and sisters ever again… My friends… and–"

Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I tried to collect myself. I didn't want to break down – not here, not on a street, and surely not in front of him. I had already known that all the Night Court fairies considered me frail and pathetic, and I hated the idea of giving them another reason to detest me. Well, my list of complaints was long, and I didn't want them to remember me as a loser.

"I'm sorry for what had happened," Rian said quietly and our eyes met. "I truly am. I wish there were other ways of dealing with Bryaxis that didn't involve hurting or killing anyone."

"What's done is done," I broke in, staring into his blue eyes. "We can't change the past, Rian."

"I know."

Too tired to continue this conversation, I went around him and said, "I'll meet you at the House."

When I started my long, slow walk towards the stairs, he didn't follow me. Good. I had finally time to think about this night and what it meant for me. And I was sure as hell that–

"The things you saw because of Bryaxis…" Rian called out but didn't finish his sentence.

I immediately stopped, feeling my heart's pounding in my ears. I didn't even look over my shoulder when I whispered, "You saw them?"

"We all did," he said after some time.

Good God, I thought, suddenly feeling uneasy. They saw everything. The whole damn evening…

How was I supposed to look him in the eye after knowing he witnessed my fall? How was I supposed to act normally when I would meet the rest of them after knowing they saw my memories? I wasn't sure they were really memories, but it didn't change the fact that they saw everything.

"I thought it was only in my head," I whispered. "That they were some sort of memories." Then, I swallowed hard, and added, "I don't want to talk about it. Not now."

There were footsteps behind me and I heard Rian's voice saying, "I know how it feels. To see that horrible moment once more. To remind yourself of your broken heart. Of your shattered dreams." He went quiet. "To look at the face you once loved."

I didn't move.

Staring into the night, I was just standing there and waiting for Rian to go on. He clearly knew what he was talking about as there was a hint of sorrow in his voice. But I shouldn't have been surprised – from what I learnt, he was once in love. And apparently, it was a taboo subject in the Night Court since both Cerys and Meleri didn't say much about it. Nevertheless, some selfish parts of me needed to know what happened to him, so the last thing I wanted to do was to distract him.

After a while, Rian took a deep breath and said softly from behind me, "Sometimes memories can be even worse than the actual disaster. They can distort everything we witnessed, and make us feel ashamed of it, though we weren't the ones to blame."

Peering down at my hands, I came to realise that I did feel ashamed and guilty about that evening.

As if reading my thoughts, he added, "Don't blame yourself for seeing it once more. You didn't choose to do it, Lexi."

Turning around and fixing my eyes on him, I said quietly, "I thought I wouldn't have to witness that night again. Ever. I thought I bid goodbye to him and all the pain he caused me. I thought I'm over it." A single tear tickled my cheek. "But I was wrong."

Rian slowly approached me and touched my hand. "That's not true," he said in a low voice. "It's never easy to come to terms with your past. But you have to try, and believe in it with all your heart. Then, someday, you'll make it."

"Did you do it?" I asked. "Did you come to terms with your past?"

He shook his head and gave me a sad smile. "No, not yet. But I will. Eventually. And so will you." Rian squeezed my hand gently. "It's getting late. Shall we fly to the House?"

I frowned. "No, I said I was going to walk there. Please, don't argue with me, Rian," I added quickly, knowing he would try to talk me over again. "I want to walk there."

"Fine. But call my name if you feel too tired to climb the stairs." Rian didn't take his hand off me. "Promise?"

I nodded.

"Good." Still keeping his hand on mine, he looked around and said, "It's really getting late." He set his eyes upon me and cocked his head.

"No." I let go of his hand. "See you at the House."

Having flashed him a small smile, I turned back and walked towards the beginning of the street. I knew I had to reconstruct the way back at all costs, because otherwise I would be totally lost in Velaris. And that was the last thing I wanted to experience tonight.

As I was drawing away from the library, I realised he didn't go after me. On one hand, I was glad he didn't as I really wanted to be by myself and have some time to think; but on the other… It would have been nice to walk beside somebody who knew the city and the way to the House very well, and… whom I liked spending time with.

###

When I had finally reached the stairs, I sat on the very first step and stared into the night.

Mentally and physically exhausted, I was blocking all thoughts that came to my mind on the way here, but after reaching my destination, there was no use in denying the truth.

Firstly, I got stuck in an imaginary world that was created by a best-selling author, unless one of the characters would find a way to send me back to Earth. Secondly, I would never see my family and friends again, and they would never know what had happened to me. And thirdly, but most importantly, I was done.

All I wanted to do right now was to break down in tears and forget about the damn world. About my damn problems. About damn everything.

Sitting on the stairs that were leading to a house that wasn't my home, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I am done, I thought, hiding my face in my hands and leaning forward. I am so done.

And before I knew it, I started to cry.