Everyone was silent when they turned off the cameras. You could hear a pin drop. Everyone was shocked. Peeta could clearly see that. No one knew about this video. Even Plutarch. This wasn't planned. Who had edited it? It sure wasn't Plutarch, Beetee or Cressida. That could only mean one person.
Coin!
They knew there were microphones. And 13 listened to them when they needed to. But they didn't listen to them, or film them without their knowledge…Well-they thought.
He could feel the anger radiating off of Katniss. Everyone could. She was staring at the camera with her eyes full or rage. He couldn't blame her. She had a right to be mad. They were being watched and never knew it. And it wasn't President Snow. He would have known they were acting. He would have exposed them right then. He wouldn't have waited for them to die in the Quarter Quell. He would have killed them long before that.
He stared at Katniss, waiting for her to react. Everyone was waiting for her to react.
"Who knew about the cameras," she gritted through her teeth. None of their friends and family answered her.
"We've been filming you since you got back from the Games. We placed them all over District 12 before you got home," Coin said calmly. Too calmly. It was as if we all knew. Like it was a regular conversation.
"You violated are our privacy. We never knew there were cameras. We should have been told. Haymitch and Gale should have been told. We didn't sign up for our privacy to be violated by people on our own side," Peeta told her. He was always the one to speak calmly, but he knew there was anger in his voice. He was trying to hold back from screaming at her. How could she do that to them?
"I did it for this very reason. I knew that once you were here, President Snow would try to discredit you. And I wanted to prove him wrong. And that's exactly what we just did. I did this for the Rebellion," Coin said.
Something caught his eye. Boggs had passed something to Cressida without looking away from Coin. Then he saw Cressida secretly pass it to Messalla. It kept being passed until it reached Finnick, who had at some point moved directly behind them. He knew what it was and sat up straighter. Ready to move.
"You had no right to do that without our permission. How much were you watching us?" Peeta asked. Coin went to reply, but then Katniss did exactly what he thought she would do. She screamed and jumped up on the table like a ferocious animal.
She was going to attack Coin. He knew she would, so he and Haymitch jumped up and grabbed her, pulling her back. He shoved his hand over her mouth before she could say anything, fighting hard against the two of them. That was when Finnick jumped and stuck her with a needle in the back.
"Katniss stop!" Peeta told her. She yelled through his hand and then slowed down. "It's ok. Just calm down," he whispered. She suddenly went limp in his arms.
"Take her back to the infirmary and restrain her," Coin said. Everyone had started yelling at once.
"You're not taking her," "You're not restraining her," "You did this," "This is your fault," "Can you blame her," "You lied to them," "You placed cameras on them without telling them,"
Boggs got in the middle and held up his arms. "ENOUGH!" he yelled. Everyone started settling down. "Everyone just calm down. This isn't helping. This is only making matters worse," Boggs said.
"You will not be restraining her. I make those decisions. I'm responsible for her. I took care of it. We all did. We knew the second that the video was played that she would react like that, and we took care of her. I refuse to let you hospitalize her," Peeta said. Haymitch helped Peeta sit her down next to him so he could keep her steady, holding her.
"She is mentally incompetent. She's a danger to others around her. And I will not have her walking around the halls, ready to strike out at any moment like a rabid dog," Coin said. There was outrage with everyone.
"Did she really just fucking say that?" Johanna demanded. Johanna stood up from her chair, but Gloss grabbed her and held her back.
"Do not EVER call her that again!" Peeta warned her. His body was shaking he was so angry.
"I will take care of her. I just did. But you know this is your fault. What reaction did you expect? You knew this was going to happen. You have no right to invade our privacy ever again," Peeta told her. He was shaking he was so angry.
"Who the hell are you to decide if she needs to be restrained or not?" Gale demanded. If anyone was gonna hit her, it would be Gale. He had that same fire that Katniss had. As Katniss just proved, it was a volatile kind of fire.
"You put cameras in our fucking houses without our permission. You just watched us any damn time you wanted to. You had no right. And you're not going to restrain her. I'm not going to-No one here is going to let you restrain her. And there are plenty more people who won't allow it," Gale seethed. Cinna, Brutus and Blight pulled him back a little.
"Try all of District 12," Haymitch said.
"I'm president of District 13. I will not have anyone dictate what I will or will not do. I'm the one who runs the Rebellion-"Coin didn't get to finish because of everyone's reactions. There was either scoffing in disbelief or laughing.
"This Rebellion isn't about you. It's about everyone sitting here. It's about everyone down there. And it's about every person in Panem. You're not the face of this Rebellion. She is," Peeta said, holding her tighter. "You can't fight this war without her. You need her. You need all of us. So, you're not laying a hand on her," Peeta warned her. He stood up letting Haymitch help him, and he carried her downstairs to their compartment.
"How did this happen?" Peeta asked as Haymitch held the door open and he carried Katniss into their room and laid her down on their bed.
"Your guess is as good as mine kid. Fucking bitch!" Haymitch said and pulled his flask out and drank a large gulp.
"How did no one know? Beetee, Cressida and Plutarch edit everything. How did that get passed them?" Peeta asked as he started taking off her shoes.
"I don't know," he admitted. Haymitch was angry. He hated not knowing what was going on. Haymitch always knew. Peeta stood up and faced him.
"Haymitch…Katniss and I have…" Peeta trailed off. Haymitch nodded.
"Had personal moments," Haymitch finished for him.
He wasn't even making fun of Peeta. And it wasn't just about the times that he had been intimate with her. What about when they woke up and had breakfast together? What about when he stayed at her house during the snowstorm, and he was painting in their plant book and she ran her hands through his hair? He thought about the times he'd play her a song on his piano. Those songs were personal for them. That was their time. It wasn't for anyone to watch. It was stepping into their lives. No one on the Rebellion side should cross that line with someone on the same side.
"She's not going to be ok after this. Coin invaded our private lives. Katniss is going to freak out. God why do we keep doing this to her? None of this was necessary. We made things worse by trying to write some wrongs. What about the wrongs that were made against Katniss? Hasn't she been put through enough?" Peeta demanded.
He was repeating himself. Over and over again. He couldn't come up with anything new to say. They were slowly killing her. And he just sits by and watches. "We need to back off of her or else she won't make it," Peeta said. Haymitch nodded his head.
"I couldn't agree more. I'm not gonna let her get worse," Haymitch said. Peeta knew Haymitch was feeling guilty like he was. All they did was sit by and watch.
The tranquilizer didn't last long. It was a lite dose, so Katniss woke up about an hour later. "Hey, how're you feeling?" Peeta asked as he handed her a glass of water. She sat up and drank from it and then looked around.
"What time is it?" she asked.
"Around dinner time. You wanna go get something to eat?" Peeta asked. Katniss shook her head.
"How much have they watched of us?" Katniss asked. Peeta let out a deep breath.
"I honestly don't know. No one does right now. But everyone's so angry. Gale had to be held back," Peeta said. Katniss just looked at him. She was emotionless. Not the same girl who hopped onto the table to attack Coin. He ran his hand through her hair.
"Talk to me. What's going on through your head?" Peeta asked her. He searched her face for anything. Any sign of emotion. But there was none.
"Our privacy was violated. What else is new? It's the same garbage, just a different day," she said monotonously. That worried Peeta.
"What can I do? What do you need?" Peeta asked her. She was silent for a little bit.
"I just wanna go be with Prim," she whispered. Again? She didn't want to stay with him?
"I don't know if that's a good idea. Coin is out for revenge on you because you almost attacked her. I think it's better if you- "
"I don't care about her. I just wanna be with Prim," she whispered. Well, it made sense. Coin killed Prim. This was triggering Katniss.
"At least let me walk with you," but she shook her head.
"I just wanna walk by myself," he gulped at hearing that. So, he nodded his head.
"If you have a nightmare, just come back to me," Peeta said. She nodded her head, and minute later she was out the door. She wouldn't even talk to him. She was shutting down. God this was a bad idea letting her walk to Prim's by herself. It was just down the hall. It wasn't far at all. But what if someone was waiting around the corner for her?
He couldn't sleep that night. He was used to sleeping with Katniss. Holding her. Most of his nightmares involved losing her in some way. He needed her when he woke up. Back when life was more normal, if you could call a Victory Tour of killing children normal, he could just wake up and see her and he was ok. But his nightmares were more vivid now. Katniss told him he sometimes moaned or talked in his sleep. Sometimes he'd move around. And then the worst ones were when he woke up frozen in fear. Terrified of his shiny memories. Terrified that he killed Katniss.
By the time breakfast rolled around he was a walking zombie. He waited for Katniss and was starting to get worried when she didn't show up. "You don't think they have her locked up somewhere, do you?" Peeta asked Haymitch. But he shook his head.
"I already asked Boggs. He said no one has her. She's just wandering around here somewhere. She's fine Peeta. She just wants some time to herself," Haymitch said, squeezing his shoulder.
"Can someone please tell me what the fuck this brand-new meeting is about?" Johanna demanded. This one was absolutely huge. It looked like most of the Victors were in this one. And their families. They couldn't even use the usual Command room. This was down the hall in a larger room.
"I'm so sick of this," Cinna complained.
"How about we have a meeting about disbanding all future meetings?" Johanna asked. Ryee laughed and grabbed her from behind and bit her neck, making her laugh.
"Will you two knock it off," Peeta demanded and pushed Ryee. Ryee just scoffed at him.
"God you're so damn grouchy. You need to get laid," Ryee said. Peeta went to lunge at him, but Brutus happened to be right there and grabbed Peeta and pulled him back. Ryee just laughed while Johanna shoved him and punched his arm.
"Leave him alone," she snapped and walked away from him. Ryee just stood there. Dumbfounded. Ron from District 4 slapped Ryee's shoulder.
"It's a Victor thing. You could be the love of her life. But the second you attack Peeta, she's gonna bury you in the ground," Ron said.
"And nail the fucking coffin shut," Gloss laughed as he walked by. Ryee gave Peeta a dirty look. Ryee could be so annoying sometimes. He just never stopped horsing around. He always thought everything was a joke.
"I swear to God Ryee, just shut up!" Peeta said before Ryee could open his mouth. Wheet stepped in between them and pushed on Ryee's chest.
"Come on, just leave him alone," Wheet said. Ryee stood still.
"What the hell did I even do? I just made a joke that he needed to get laid because he's in a pissy mood. I've made that joke a million times," Ryee said. Peeta was in a 'pissy mood' because he was afraid of having nightmares last night.
"Just drop it," Wheet hissed.
"You have no idea why I'm in a bad mood," Peeta said, trying to step forward but Brutus was holding him back. Peeta wasn't going anywhere with Brutus' arms locked around him.
"You're freaking out like a girl over a stupid comment," Ryee said, trying to get around Wheet. Effie stepped in the middle.
"Alright, you boys knock it off, right now!" she told them.
"No. Peeta wants to act like a man, then come up and face me like a man. You wanna get all emotional over one stupid comment, then man up," Ryee said. Peeta was losing it. He could feel all his anger boiling up. Everything he had been angry at for the past couple of years.
Peeta fought hard against Brutus, and it must have surprised him because Brutus was pulled forward. Gale got right in front of him and stopped him.
"Stop it. He's acting like a fucking baby. Just walk away," Gale told Peeta.
"No. Come on little girl. Fight me. You've never won a wrestling match against me. And facing me today will be no different," Ryee challenged him.
"You're an idiot if you think he can't take you now. He's been through four Hunger Games. He will annihilate you," Marlah said. Chaff laughed and got in the middle, making Effie walk out of the center.
"Alright young men. It's time to knock this shit off. Leave him alone," Chaff told Ryee, who's eyes widened.
"Why are you- "He never got to finished that sentence because Johanna had come back and punched him in the face, causing Ryee to fall to the ground. Peeta stopped struggling against Brutus and Gale.
"Are you done?" Johanna demanded. Ryee just stared at her. "You're fucking antagonizing him when he didn't sleep last night. He didn't want a God damned nightmare. Now shut the hell up!" Johanna yelled at him and stormed away. Wheet shook his head and put his hand out to pull Ryee up.
"Just come on," Wheet said, pulling him along. They let Peeta go, and Haymitch just stood there with his arms crossed.
"You wanna tell me why you're letting some stupid comment turn you into a maniac?" Haymitch demanded. Peeta just shook his head and scrubbed his face.
Why did a stupid comment set him off? It was true that Ryee had made that joke a million times. It would mortify him, not send him into a rage. He knew that the reason he didn't sleep was because he was worried about Katniss and was really afraid to have a nightmare if she wasn't there. But why take it out on Ryee? Why let his annoying brother make a joke and lose himself over it?
"It didn't even bother me. It just…it just set me off," Peeta admitted. Haymitch nodded his head.
"I know it did. But you going mental out in the hallways is the last thing we need after Katniss tried to kill Coin last night. You need to keep yourself under control," Haymitch told him. He was right. He took his anger out on Ryee for no reason. He had to put his anger somewhere and just unleashed himself on Ryee. He felt awful now. What did he just do?
"God where is she?" Peeta snapped.
"I don't know. But just get in here. Sit down. And keep your mouth shut," Haymitch said and shoved him into the large room. It was like walking into a movie theater. A movie theater that they only had in the Capitol of course. But on each new level there were a row of desks for someone to sit at. It was one long desk that went around the entire room. Haymitch pushed Peeta forward to walked just one step and walk in a little to sit down. He leaned his elbows on the table and pinched his nose.
"Well, this can't be good," Haymitch said. Peeta opened one eye and saw Coin stomping into the room, walking into the middle. She was staring up at all of them.
"I have called you all in here to discuss a very important matter…you are all guests, to District 13," he spoke loudly. He heard a few people groan from the room. Peeta would have done it himself if he wasn't trying to control his emotions again.
"From the moment you have stepped into my District, you have been insubordinate, and ungrateful for everything we have done for you," Coin said. He heard some laughter. He just wanted to leave this room. He needed to find Katniss.
"None of you have appreciated anything we have done for you. Getting you out of your Districts, or the Capitol, or the arena. We've protected you. We've fed you. We've clothed you. We've- "
"Loved us?" Johanna asked. Everyone stared at her. It was the film that they played every year at the Reaping. The exact words. "You sound more and more like Snow every day. You ever notice that?" Johanna asked. Blight yanked on her upper arm, so she'd stop talking.
"We have done everything for you all. We have sacrificed. And you haven't helped down here- "
"We haven't helped with what?" Johanna demanded.
"Make her stop!" Muscida hissed at Haymitch. Haymitch was too far away from her.
"So, what you're saying is, that since we've been down here, we haven't done anything to help with the living arrangements down here in our cement prison? We don't help with what, those assigned chores for example?" Johanna asked.
"She's gonna make whatever this is, so much worse," Seeder whispered to Chaff.
"Because if that's something that you're trying to say, then you'll be disappointed to know that when I get laundry duty on my schedule, I'll sometimes go earlier, or stay longer BECAUSE I have gratitude for the people in 13 that don't have some fancy celebrity job like I do," Johanna said. Coin just glared at her.
"I've even helped out in the kitchen when I wasn't even assigned. Because it helps everyone in District 13, and sometimes I give someone a freaken break from their own assigned job. So, how am I ungrateful again?" she demanded.
"God can someone just make her stop?" Peeta asked. This was the last thing he needed. This was the last thing everyone needed. Everything had gotten way too out of hand. They all needed to just shut up and get through this war!
"Don't you dare sit there and tell me I'm ungrateful. You have no idea who I am, and what I've been through. What anyone in this damn room has been through," Johanna told her. Peeta saw Coin roll her eyes. Johanna slammed her hand on the table and stood up.
"You have no idea how to fight the Capitol. We all know how to fight the Capitol. We're a team. And it's something that you won't understand. You have no idea what it's like fighting with the Capitol. You don't even know what it's like to be in the Capitol. You've only ever seen pictures and whatever they show you on tv. When it comes to anything with the Capitol or Panem, you're limited by your lack of knowledge," Johanna told her. Blight had grabbed her and gripped her forearms from behind, holding on tight.
"And you're limited by your lack of common sense and your emotional and mental disabilities," Coin said. The whole room sat up straight and stared. This woman didn't just insult Johanna, she insulted all of them.
Disabilities? Their PTSD, nightmares, substance abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts…the list could go on and on, but she thought they were disabilities? How could she say that to Johanna? How could she think that about any of them? They were lucky to be alive. The Hunger Games changes a person. Snow tortured all of them one way or another. Every. Single. One of them.
He looked over at Johanna. Everyone was waiting for her next move. The tension in there made his skin tingle. But she looked calm. Too calm.
"When they write in the history books about this. About the Hunger Games. About the war. Do you know my name will be in there? As an ACTUAL, live participant," Johanna said. It was the truth. When they bring up Johanna, her whole life will be written in the History Books.
She fought in her Games and became a Victor. Her whole family was murdered. She was part of the Rebellion, that went into the Quarter Quell and fought to keep him and Katniss alive. She was the one that will go into the streets of the Capitol. She WILL be in History Books.
"I was in the damn Hunger Games. I was in two of them. and I fought in a war. I'm not a nobody. My name will be in there as an active Rebel. You're just going to be in the History books as the President of 13 who dictated parts of the Rebellion from her comfy bed," Johanna told her. Eyes were raised. The tension was getting hire. No one was breathing.
"You stand there and act like you're the only that's suffered at the hands of the capitol. I HAD THE CAPITOL IN MY FACE!" she screamed. "Snow stood an inch away from my face. Have you even stepped foot into the capitol? Have you even met Snow? Because I have. I was brought to the Capitol to die. I was brought to the Capitol to kill innocent children. He crowned me the Victor. And then he killed my family," Every Victor in this room had done the same thing.
"Wanna talk about sacrifice? I sacrificed my family. So don't you stand there and call me insubordinate, or ungrateful. Don't tell me I have emotional and mental disabilities. You come talk to me, when you get sentenced to die when you're only 15 and kill children. And then watch your family be murdered," Johanna told her and then yanked her arms away from Blight and stormed out of the room, with Blight following her.
Peeta looked up at Ryee. He was staring at the door. He could tell by the look on his face that he was fighting with not knowing if he should go after her or not. Wheet told him something in his ear, and Ryee looked down. He stayed in his spot. He wondered if this was the first time, he had ever seen Johanna that emotional before. She wouldn't sleep when she was with him because she didn't want him to see her nightmares. She wouldn't allow herself to be vulnerable in front of Ryee.
Peeta knew, she hadn't talked about anything serious with him. He figured some subjects were off limits to him. The Hunger Games, the Quarter Quell, her family. Her torture in the Capitol. Her PTSD. And her nightmares.
"I am not going to stand for anymore outbursts from that. No one is exempt from the rules, or the consequences. If there is one more outburst, that person WILL be punished," Coin said, and she to fled the room.
Everyone was quiet for a moment, before someone laughed. Everyone looked and they realized it was Muscida. She just laughed and stood up with her cane. She held her hand out to Bumble. The 29th Victor from District 7.
"Let me have a sip of your alcohol," Muscida said. Bumble took out the hidden flask and handed it to her. She took a nice long sip. Peeta smiled at the enjoyment on her face. She let out a satisfied sigh and handed it back to Bumble and laughed again.
"Oh…that was so cute. She thought she could control 56 Victors. I'd like to see her try that. My kids are gonna fight the Capitol while she sits behind a desk cowering like a damn baby," she laughed. She looked around at everyone. "Someone go find my girl and bring her to me. I'll take care of her," she said, meaning Johanna. Ron took her elbow to walk with her. She turned back to them.
"And someone go find Katniss already. That girl is wandering around here somewhere. It's about time she and I had a talk," she said and then she stared at all of them. "Never let a dictator, ever again, control your life, and tell you to bend to their will,"
It was true. That's all Coin was doing, was trying to control them. Why did everyone need to change so much? Coin wasn't this bad last time.
"Emotional and mental disabilities. I'll show her what a disability is when I stick my cane so far up her ass it'll be poking out of her mouth, and she has to get food pumped into her stomach. That's a damn disability!" she said
"I need to find her. I don't get where she could be. I'm gonna go find Prim," Peeta told Haymitch as soon as they walked out. He started walking towards the infirmary, when the person he was looking for was turning down a hall to their room.
"Katniss," Peeta called before she disappeared down the hall. She turned her head towards his voice, and he ran over to her. She looked absolutely awful.
"I've been looking everywhere for you. You can't go walking around here by yourself anymore. Coin wants to shackle you up in the hospital. Did you even get any sleep last night?" Peeta asked her. He raised his hand to touch her cheek and she flinched.
He straightened his back in shock. "What's wrong Katniss?" He already could feel where this was going. She wasn't sleeping, and that always led her to an episode.
"Let's go back to our compartment. We can try and get some sleep," he said gently.
"You're not telling me what to do. No one is going to tell me what to do anymore. If I want to walk these damn hallways by myself I will. And you're not going to tell me not to. You're not going to control me. I don't need a damn babysitter," Katniss yelled.
That hurt. That cut deep into his heart. Did she really believe that he was trying to control her? That was the last thing he wanted to do. Did she feel like he was possessive?
He could see people turning their heads. That was the last thing he wanted was unwanted attention. He didn't want to give Coin anymore reason to try and commit her.
Peeta raised his hands in defeat, wanting to appease her. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to control you. I never want you to feel like that. Can we go back our- can we go somewhere and talk? Anywhere you want. You pick." He tried to say. Apparently, that was the wrong thing.
"Don't patronize me. Stop talking to me like that." She said and looked down, grabbing her hair. Oh, her episode was definitely starting. He didn't know what to do this time. She always let Peeta help her. Now she won't even let him touch her. He took a small step towards and her and she took a giant step back.
"Katniss please. Talk to me. What's going on? Please just let me help you,"
"I don't need you helping me. You think I'm mentally crazy. I don't think you've looked in the mirror and seen what kind of mutt the Capitol made you into,"
Oh. That's where she was. She was stuck in the past again. He could tell that she was stuck somewhere in the middle. If she was stuck in the past, then she would be screaming that he was out in the hallway and thinking he was trying to kill her. She didn't think that now.
"Katniss. I'm not a Capitol mutt. I don't have any tracker jacker venom in me. You saved me. You remember you saw your dad? He gave us a second chance to make everything right. So, I didn't get captured by the Capitol. I'm right here." He said taking another step towards her.
"No. You're not. Leave me alone. The Peeta I knew is gone. Snow took him away. He's never coming back. You leave me alone and don't follow me. I'm staying with Prim," she said and spun on her feet in the opposite way that she came.
He waited a moment and then followed her. She was too good at getting lost in the crowd. If he could punch himself, he would for letting her get away. Her episodes scared him more and more every time they happened. He just didn't know what to do if she wasn't going to let him help her.
He ran down the hall towards Prim and her mother's compartment, just in time to see Katniss sneak away inside. He let out a deep breath. At least she was with her mom and sister. If they needed him, they would let him know. But it still stung that she wasn't the one seeking out his help.
"You're not the one she needs,"
He shook his head. What was that? He shook his head and ignored whatever just happened. It was like he heard…he was NOT hearing things!
He stayed for a little while longer, sitting at the end of the hall before he went back to his compartment. Johanna was sitting on her bed with Finnick. She had her head on his shoulder. Peeta could tell she had been crying. He went and sat down in front of them, leaning on his knees.
They sat in silence for awhile. Peeta wondered how long they had been sitting there. It was well past lunch. None of them had gotten up. Peeta had been laying in his own bed, staring up at the ceiling. All lost in their own thoughts.
"He warned me," Johanna whispered, finally breaking the silence. Peeta looked over at her. "He told me if I didn't do what he said…if I didn't sleep with those men, that he was going to kill my family," she whispered. Tears falling down her face.
Peeta sat back up, sitting against the wall. It was so rare that Johanna ever talked about her family. It hurt her way too much to talk about them. What he knew about her family was from Haymitch and Finnick. He had only gotten was snippet of information from Johanna while they were walking to District 13. That she loved someone as well. And he was killed.
"I wanted to call his bluff. I wanted to stand up to him…it was stupid…I should have just let those guys fuck me. I regret it every day. It wasn't worth standing up for myself because my whole family was murdered," she said and started sobbing. Finnick pulled her to his chest.
"I should have just let them all fuck me. I lost everyone," she sobbed into his chest. Peeta went and sat down on the other of her and put his hand on her shoulder. There was nothing to say to Johanna.
She didn't get a second chance with her family. She lost them, and there was no coming back from that. He was lucky. His family was alive. But her family wasn't coming back. Finnick's family wasn't. Haymitch's family. So many families were never coming back. It made him more thankful every day for what Katniss' father did for them, because their families came back. Their other family came back as well.
Peeta couldn't sleep that night. He dozed here and there, but he just couldn't bring himself to fall into a deep sleep. He was too worried about Katniss. He just couldn't stand what was happening to her. His thoughts were the same every day. Nothing was changing.
As each day passed, his fear grew bigger and bigger. Every day was just one day closer to Katniss losing her sanity completely. One day closer, to him losing her. When he just got her back. He knew almost two years had passed since they came back, but they never had any real time together. No time to be happy. No time to settle down and just be with each other. Start a life together.
"A life together will never happen,"
He jumped, looking for who said that. He was by himself. What was happening to him?
He looked for Katniss, Prim and their mother at breakfast. Prim and her mom always had different meal shifts, and it was hard to catch them. He had gone a few times to the infirmary, but he never could connect with them. He needed to know how Katniss did last night. He knocked on the door, but no one answered.
"Can you help me look for Katniss?" Peeta asked Haymitch at breakfast.
"She's doesn't want to be around you,"
"Isn't she with her mom and sister?" he asked as he spooned something that resembled oatmeal into his mouth. He choked a little as he struggled to swallow it. District 13 food was something left to be desired. He shook his head. He didn't want to think about food right now. He scrubbed his face.
"No one answered the door. She's been sleeping in their compartment the past week, but she's not sleeping," Peeta said. Haymitch just stared at him.
"Peeta," someone called him. Peeta turned around and saw Boggs walking towards them. He didn't look good. Peeta knew this had to be something about Katniss. He quickly stood up and met Boggs halfway.
"What's wrong?" Peeta asked him. Boggs motioned for him and Haymitch to follow him. They left the cafeteria and followed Boggs down the hall.
"The Leegs found Katniss just a little while ago. She was going down to get breakfast…and she ran into Seneca Crane," Boggs said. Peeta's stomach dropped.
A few months ago, Seneca had sat down with them in the cafeteria. He talked with them about how he had never wanted to be Head Gamemaker. That he too had nightmares of sending in children to kill each other to stay alive. He said he was sorry and asked for Katniss to accept his apology. Once he was gone, Katniss had no memory that he had even sat at their table. She not only forgot talking with Seneca Crane, but she completely forgot that she had spoken with Thread, and Gale had executed him. Two important events happened, and Katniss just forgot them.
"What did she do?" Haymitch asked.
"She attacked him. The Leegs happened to be there and grabbed her. They dragged her down the hall and locked her in a closet, screaming. The doors too heavy for anyone to hear that isn't right by the door," Boggs said.
"She didn't sleep. I know she didn't sleep," Peeta said as they went down a few floors, and down another long hallway where the Leegs were standing outside of a door.
"She's really angry," one of the Leeg sisters said. Boggs opened the door and let Peeta and Haymitch inside. She was sitting in the corner of the room, hugging her knees to her chest. She was rocking back and forth, muttering to herself.
Peeta and Haymitch watched her for a moment. She looked tired. Even though she looked physically, mentally, and emotionally tired…she looked tired of life.
"She's tired of you. Pretending to love you,"
He hissed as he grabbed his head. "What's wrong with you?" Haymitch asked. Peeta shook his head, and then looked at Katniss. Peeta nodded for Haymitch to go first. They approached her slowly and cautiously.
"You ok sweetheart?" Haymitch asked. Katniss looked up and him and narrowed her eyes. Her face was pale white, which made the dark circles under her eyes look even darker. Her face had sunken in. She was looking worse every day. All skin and bones.
What surprised them was that she stood up abruptly, but it looked like it took much effort.
"They locked me in here. Seneca Crane is here and all they're doing is protecting him. He murdered innocent children," she said venomously. Peeta was surprised she had enough energy to even get angry. His heart was breaking as he looked at her. She was deteriorating before his very eyes, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He couldn't even get Cenia to help her because she had been sick all week with the flu.
"I know. It's ok. He can't hurt you if we're here. Why don't I take you back to your compartment with Peeta. We'll get you something to eat and you can sleep- "Haymitch jumped back as she lunged at him to scream in his face.
"STOP TELLING ME TO GO TO SLEEP!" She screamed at him. She stepped back and started pacing and grabbing her head. "Just shut up every single one of you," she muttered.
"Katniss please…we're not trying to tell you what to do. But you don't feel good. Aren't you tired?" Peeta asked her gently. She looked up and stared at him. It was like she was trying to figure out what he was saying. If what he was saying was real…could she even understand him?
"We're just trying to help you. I can help you sleep." Peeta said as he slowly took a step towards her. But she shook her head and stepped back. He let out a deep sigh and scrubbed his face.
"Katniss please. I only wanna help you,"
"She doesn't need you. You're nothing,"
He shoved his hand into his eyes. God, what was happening to him?
"You're not trying to help me. Snow created you to destroy me. You're just pretending you're not highjacked so you can get me alone in bed and kill me. I'm not falling for your lies," she cried out at him.
"Sweetheart he's not hijacked. He's fine. Are you hungry? I'm walking down to the- "
"I want you both to leave me alone. I'm tired of you bringing that…" she looked over at Peeta "that thing! I don't want a Capitol mutt. He killed Peeta the day we left him in the arena," she choked and wiped away the tears that started to overflow. Then she grabbed at her hair again. His face softened as he stood by and watched her breakdown.
"I'm sick of you telling me what to do. Ordering me to eat and sleep. Be in a God damned meeting. Be the Mockingjay," she threw her hands up in the air. Then she started to pace.
"Don't let them see you cry Katniss. You need to be strong after you just watched Peeta get beaten to death. No, don't cry. Be the face of the damn Rebellion. Subdue the Districts. Be in love with Peeta or I'll kill him," she stopped and laughed.
"That was the real kicker. He planned on doing it anyway. And then he turned him into a damn weapon to destroy me. A Capitol mutt to rip my heart out. Well, he succeeded." She cried and grabbed her head and started muttering softly so they couldn't hear what she was saying.
"The only thing we can do is subdue her." Haymitch said sadly.
"We can't keep doing that to her. There has to be some other way. We need to get her out 13. Keeping her down here…locked up. It's killing her," he told Haymitch. Katniss suddenly stopped and looked at them.
"Don't follow me. I'm going back with Prim." She said and stormed passed them. She tried opening the door and stumbled. The Leegs had locked them in. She pounded on the door.
"LET ME OUT! DON'T YOH KEEP ME LOCKED IN HERE!" She screamed.
"Katniss stop…stop." He said pulled her back. "We'll just ask them to let us out," Peeta told her. She shoved him away from her, hitting him in the chest.
"You disgust her,"
Haymitch hit the door. "Open up the door." He called out. The Leegs unlocked the door and Katniss shoved her way between him and Haymitch and stormed out. Even pushing one of the Leeg sisters.
"Katniss please stop." Peeta called out and took her arm. She screamed and spun around to scratch him in the arm. "Ow!" He hissed and pulled his arm back. Three long, deep scratches that was already bleeding.
"Stop following me. I'm staying with Prim. Stay away from me!" She ordered and ran down the hallway and turned right. Peeta and Haymitch went running after and ran right into Gale and Madge.
"Where's she going? Boggs said the Leegs locked her in a room," Gale asked.
"There he is,"
"Follow her to her mom's compartment. And make sure she doesn't see you," Haymitch ordered him. Gale didn't need an explanation and ran after her. Gale would be the only one that could follow her. If Peeta tried to, he'd get caught.
"He'll be able to help her,"
"What happened to her? I saw her this morning and I called out to her but then she disappeared," Madge asked. Peeta sat on a bench and put his hands on his knees and buried his face in his hands.
Is this the worst that it was gonna get? How could she get any worse? That was a stupid question. She already had been worse. She took her own life. She was headed in that direction all over again. She was heading there fast, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. She was mentally unstable. She was a danger to herself.
Haymitch and Madge were talking, but he wasn't listening. He failed her more and more each day. He was standing by and watch her crumble to the ground.
"She loves Gale,"
"She's in her mom's compartment. What happened?" Gale asked. Peeta didn't even wanna answer. How could he?
"You're not enough. You'll never be enough,"
"She's not sleeping," Haymitch said. Peeta knew what he had to do. He didn't want to. But it was for Katniss.
Peeta looked up at him. "Will you try and talk with her later?" Peeta asked painfully. He was failing Katniss. He took the blame for not being able to take care of her. He needed to ask for help.
"She thinks everyone's trying to tell her what to do. And she still thinks I'm highjacked and wants nothing to do with me."
"That's not why she wants nothing to do with you," He scoffed and dug his fingers into his eyes.
"She'll listen to you. You were…" he trailed off and gulped. He couldn't stomach thinking about what they were last time. "She trusted you. If she thinks she's still stuck in what happened last time, then you're the one she wants," he said and got up and walked away.
"You're leading him right back to Katniss,"
It killed him knowing that the only person that could help Katniss right now was Gale. She wanted nothing to do with Peeta when he was hijacked because it hurt too much. She sought comfort in Gale last time. With his friendship, his support, his touch…and worst of all, his lips.
He wanted to go somewhere by himself. He knew if he went back to his compartment everyone would start showing up. Asking him if he was ok. Telling him to hang in there. Be strong for Katniss. She'll be ok. But he wasn't sure about that. No one knew for sure.
"She's going to get a lot worse before she gets better"Katniss' father's words ran through his head.
He had the horrible feeling, that there was still more to come. He was doubting Katniss' father.
"You're relying on something a dead guy said to you?"
Did Peeta even really see her dad? Did he actually talk to him? He hit his head. People see things all the time that aren't real when they hit their heads…or when their traumatized.
Peeta didn't know how long he sat there for. But he finally came to the conclusion, that he never had actually seen her father. It was a devastating realization. Because then he had to accept, that if he never saw her father…then there was still a chance that Katniss didn't truly love him.
"She doesn't love you. She's never loved you. She's been lying to you. Making you believe that you have a future together when it wasn't true,"
What was happening to him? He wasn't hearing voices. He wasn't hearing voices!
He covered his face with his hands and let the sadness take over his body. He had been deluding himself this entire time. She was still in love with Gale. That's why, when it comes to her deepest, worst moment, that he was the only one who could truly help her.
She was his for almost two years know. Despite everything they were going through, he was happy. He was over the moon happy. He thought she loved him.
He dozed on and off, until he felt the pain in his neck. He wondered if he could find a bed in some empty compartment. But he had no idea how to find an empty one. He had no other choice but to go back to his room.
It was quiet in the halls, which confirmed that most people were in their compartments for the night. Maybe he could slip into his room unnoticed. He still didn't want to talk to anyone.
But he wasn't that lucky when he turned the corner and Finnick saw him. He went running up to Peeta.
"Where have you been? We've been looking everywhere for you?" Finnick asked and looked at him. He could see sympathy in Finnick's face.
"He sees the truth to. Of how pathetic you are,"
It made him feel even worse. It was nothing but pity. It was exactly what he didn't want.
"Your face is…" Finnick trailed off as he waved his hand in front of his own face. He had been crying, so he was sure his face was red and puffy, and his eyes were bloodshot.
"Listen, you can talk to me. I'm always here for you Peeta. And Katniss is gonna be ok. Once this is all over, you and her- "
"I'm not the person that can help her," he said, with no emotion in his voice. It was Gale. When this was all over, it was Gale that would take care of her. It would be Gale's arms that would comfort her. And Gale's lips-
"Now you're getting it,"
God, he had to stop thinking about this. He looked back at Finnick, and his face was contorted in confusion.
"Peeta what are you talking about?" Finnick asked. Peeta shook his head and kept on walking. Finnick turned and watched him. "Peeta," Finnick called out to him.
Peeta started sneaking into his compartment, so he didn't wake Johanna. But she wasn't in there. He let out a deep breath and took off his pants and changed his shirt and got into his bed. The pillow smelled like her. He couldn't lay with his face on the pillow.
He laid on his back, staring at the ceiling. Johanna was either still looking for him, or Finnick told her he found him, and she was giving him space. Whatever it was…he didn't know if it was a good or bad thing that she wasn't there. It just left him to wallow. Becoming even more desperate, the more he thought about her.
He loved her so much.
Katniss was in his arms, bleeding to death. "Why did you do this?" he cried.
"Because I can't live without you," she whispered before she DID die in his arms.
The sun had just come up. Peeta made sure that Katniss got some sleep. They didn't get much. Katniss had just come out of the bathroom while Peeta had his back turned. She was watching him get dressed. Peeta turned around and blushed at her watching him.
"What?" he asked her. She walked over to stand in front of him. She looks at his face and reaches her hand up and cups his cheek. His breathing became heavier as he watched her. Waiting to see what she'd do next.
"I never appreciated how handsome you are," the words caught him by surprise. No one had ever called him handsome before. Sure, the Capitol did. But it was coming from lust. When Katniss said it, it was coming from love. It was coming from her heart. And it made his skip a few beats.
She ran her fingers across his jaw. His breath caught in his throat. Then she leaned up and kissed his jaw.
"How strong you are," his heart skipped a beat. He felt like the kid who was dying to talk to Katniss Everdeen. He like the kid who was hopelessly in love with her. She said something, that he had always wanted to hear from her. He knew…she loved him. He dreamt that this would happen…but he never thought it actually would.
"You've always been the only one I've ever noticed…even when I didn't realize it," she told him. He pulled her to him and kissed her. She was his. He pulled her to him and buried his face, taking a deep breath and smelling her shampoo.
"How could I not have realized that I loved you. I couldn't get through five minutes without thinking of you. Without aching for you. I wanted you to know how sorry I was. How I wished I could help you. But no one would let me. I'm so sorry Peeta," she cried.
"I don't…I don't make it through the days," Katniss said. Peeta tilted his head. "I barely make it through anything…but the only reason I'm here is because of you," Katniss whispered shakily. A tear fell down her cheek.
"I only make it through because of how you take care of me," she whispered.
"I was selfish and just needed to feel something. I was still so confused. I didn't understand that that crushing feeling in my chest was love for you. I didn't know I was in love with you. I fought it off for so long I just didn't know. But the Capitol had forced you on me, so I thought since they were wrong about everything else, they had to be wrong about you. I'm so sorry for thinking like that Peeta." she said as he pulled her closer to him. She buried her face in his neck again.
"Katniss it's alright. You already told me that. It's ok. I know how you feel." he told her.
"I always knew that I didn't love him. I just was too afraid to admit it. I wouldn't let myself admit it. Especially when you came back to me," Katniss told him. He pulled her away and wiped her tears away with his thumbs.
"It's always gonna be you," she told him.
"I see dandelions, and I think of you," Katniss admitted. Peeta looked back up at her.
"I remembered picking up that dandelion the day after you gave me the bread. I didn't tell you on your birthday. I was…I don't know. Surprised that you had a dandelion from the same patch, this entire time," she blushed and looked at the dandelion.
"The first thing I saw was a dandelion. It gave me hope that I'd be ok. I see dandelions and I always think of you, and I have hope. And I had you," Katniss told him. The look Peeta gave her was the exact look he gave her on the beach in the arena when she said she needed him. He was shocked. He couldn't move.
"This is the spot where you saved my life," she whispered to him and looked down at the tree. He looked as well, picturing her when they were 11. Crying in the rain.
"This was the moment that you saved my life. That you saved our lives," she told him. He looked back up at her. Not understanding.
"The reason why we're both standing here, isn't because I saved you in the Games. It isn't because Finnick saved you, or the Morphling saved you. It isn't because they rescued you from the Capitol. Or because I pulled out those berries," she said and took a deep breath.
"We're standing here today because the moment I sat right here, and you threw me the bread, you're the one responsible for us standing here today," Katniss told him. Peeta was too stunned to move.
"You're the one who saved us. You're the one that saved Panem. It wasn't me because I volunteered to save Prim. I didn't start it. You started it," Katniss told him. Peeta tried to talk, but then closed his mouth.
"You're the real hero," she said. He put his hands on her cheeks and kissed her. She pulled away from the kiss and looked him into his eyes. "Peeta Mellark…you're MY hero,"
So many moments passed before his eyes of these past couple of years. She called Peeta her hero. She said she only got through the days because of him. She cried because she regretted that she wasn't there for him when 13 saved him. She apologized for spending that time with Gale. Why did she say any of that…if it wasn't true?
"You didn't actually believe her, did you? That's so sweet. You did," laughter
All the moments they were in bed together, touching each other. Being intimate with each other. Why?
All he wanted in life was her. He devoted his life to this girl. He was willing to die for her. Why was she still confused after four years, that she had wanted to be with Gale? What did Peeta do that was so wrong in his life that he was tortured like this time and time again? Peeta wasn't a bad person. So why was life being so cruel to him?
He suddenly felt selfish. Why was life so cruel to him? Why was life so cruel to Katniss? She was dying inside. And life just thought, why not. Let's just throw more heart ache at her, even though she's far passed her limit.
He wanted to forget about her. What a horrendous and disgusting feeling to think. But even at the same time…he would stick with her. He promised her that he would take care of her. So, until she told him to stop…he would do everything he could to take care of her, despite the fact that she didn't love him.
He suddenly heard the door open, and he rolled his body towards the wall and pretended to sleep.
"Peeta are you awake?" Johanna whispered. He didn't answer her and then heard her sigh. She got into bed, and he waited a long time till he knew she was asleep to start crying again. He was such a girl. He wasn't a man. He wasn't this strong man, that Katniss claimed he was.
He mentally groaned. Katniss was so wound around every detail of his life, he turned everything into about her.
Laughing
He tried to block his ears to make the laughing stop.
When she asked him to leave…he would. He would do it without a fight. He wouldn't cause her any more stress. He would disappear from her life because she deserved.
His chest suddenly hurt. He let out a choked sob before he could even stop it. He was having a panic attack. He couldn't have one. Just like he couldn't leave her. How would he leave her when she asked him. He would…die. He'll die without her.
God his chest was hurting so bad, and he hissed. He grabbed his chest. He was going to die right there.
He felt arms around him suddenly. It was Johanna. She held him tightly from behind and he started to really let it out.
"I can't breathe," he panted.
"Yes, you can. In through your nose, and out through your mouth," she told him softly.
"My chest. I'm having a heart attack," she put her hand over his.
"It's a bad panic attack. That's all. You're not having a heart attack,"
"It hurt so bad," he panted. He was pathetic.
"Just breathe. Just breathe Peeta," she whispered to him. How could he just breathe. Everything he believed for the past two years was a lie. Everything Katniss had gone through was killing her. This wasn't a second chance to make everything right. This was revenge for all the suffering they caused. Like a pathetic child, he started sobbing.
"We never should have come back," he cried. Johanna moved around her arms, so she held chest tightly.
"Stop it all right. Just stop talking and saying stupid things. You know better," she said gently. Not with her usual gruffness. "You need to just calm down. You're gonna be all right," she told him.
She held him tighter right over his chest. "I know I'm not who you need right now. But just don't focus on that. You still have someone who will help take care of you," one thing about Johanna, she would drop everything for you. She was fiercely loyal, and she would do anything for Peeta.
He didn't know how long it took, but he finally did fall asleep.
Johanna wasn't there when he woke up. For that he was grateful. He didn't feel like talking. He did see that she brought him his breakfast, but he just couldn't stomach anything.
His thoughts for the past 24 hours were nothing but darkness. And he was sinking into that darkness deeper and deeper.
He always knew Katniss was in love with Gale. He never had Katniss before the Games, so it hurt a lot less because she never gave herself to him. But after she took her own life…and they came back here, she made Peeta apart of her life. She welcomed him in it. She made him believe that they were going to be together. God, he painted his room green for her. He planned a future with her. Why did he believe this?
It were those grizzly thoughts that wouldn't leave him. No one bothered him that day. Johanna came in to bring him lunch and he pretended to be sleeping again. He heard her sigh heavily, and she took his untouched breakfast tray and left. The same with dinner. He had only gotten up a few times that day to use the bathroom, and the folded himself back into bed.
This went on for another day. Johanna bringing him food, and Peeta not eating it.
He heard Johanna come back late that night. He faced the wall again. He heard a second pair of feet. Great. Ryee was here. This didn't make him feel any better. He didn't want his brother to see him like this. It was bad enough that Johanna saw him, sobbing like the pathetic little boy he was.
"He's gotta be starving. He hasn't eaten in two days," he heard Johanna whisper. He didn't feel hungry. He felt sick. He felt numb. He felt like he was nothing…and it was what he wanted to be.
Peeta can hear Katniss screaming. He's running through the woods, desperately trying to find her.
"Katniss! Where are you?" Peeta called out to her. She was hurt. He had to save her. But he couldn't find her. Panic rose up in his body as she continued to scream.
When he finally got to a clearing, he saw Katniss. She was holding her bow out, arrow ready to strike. She was screaming, but her mouth wasn't opened. He watched a jabber jay fly above her head, screaming. Katniss shot the bird, making the screams stop.
"Katniss are you ok?" He looked back at her, and her arrow was now pointed at him. She was smiling. Gale suddenly appeared, smiling as well, and had his hand on her shoulder.
"Katniss please," Peeta said softly, raising his hands up. "Why are you doing this?"
"They forced me to love you. It was all for the Capitol. It was all for the Rebellion to secure my freedom. Everything I ever said or did, was all for my freedom," tears sprung to his eyes.
"Why would you lie to me. I would have gone along with everything. Why did you make me believe you? Why didn't you tell me the truth? After everything…I gave you my heart," he cried. But they just laughed.
"Because it was fun. Why would you ever think I would choose you? You're pathetic. You laid in the arena, and I had to take care of you. Everyone had to save you in the Quarter Quell. I had to die in order for you to get yourself back after being hijacked. You can't take care of yourself. How do you expect to take care of me? Why did you ever believe me?" She asked, mocking him. Laughing at him.
Then they turned and started kissing. "I'll take care of you Katniss. I'll protect you," he said sweetly to her.
"Please Katniss," he begged. She turned back to him.
"I want you to leave now. You said you'd leave without a fight if I asked. So, leave," she said.
That was when he woke up from his nightmare. Someone was trying to hold his shoulders, and someone was telling him to calm down. To breathe.
He couldn't do that. His whole world was just coming crashing down. All because of the Hunger Games.
"Get him in the shower," Johanna said. They dragged him into the bathroom and stepped into shower, letting the cold water spray him. He barely even felt it. But he felt Ryee shaking him.
"Peeta come on, snap out of it. It was just a nightmare," Ryee told him. He heard Johanna say something, but he couldn't figure out what it was. Slowly his breath came back to him. He started to feel the cold water which started to help him focus. What he saw surprised him. It wasn't Ryee that was there, it was Finnick.
"It's ok. It was just a nightmare. It wasn't real," Finnick assure him. Peeta shook his head.
"Maybe not the killing part," he muttered.
"Peeta what are you talking about. You keep saying weird- "he interrupted Finnick.
"I'm just gonna take a shower," he told them. Finnick and Johanna looked at each other and the Finnick nodded. He reached over and turned it on to warm water.
When they shut the door behind him, he took off his clothes and then turned the water on as hot as he could, scalding his skin. But he didn't care. He needed to feel something.
Finnick and Johanna were laying in Johanna's bed, waiting for him to come out. He grabbed some shorts from his dresser and pulled them on, not caring that he was naked. He didn't have a huge issue with nudity…except when it was another girl.
He got back into bed and laid on his back, staring up into the ceiling.
"Peeta- "Johanna said gently, but he interrupted her to.
"Goodnight," he told them. He heard Johanna sigh loudly.
He didn't go back to sleep. He couldn't. He finally just got up and walked down to the conference room that was always empty. Where the Victors would go hang out when they wanted to hide from 13 but didn't want to be alone. So, he was surprised to when he saw Cenia sitting there. She was writing in a notebook and had at least five books opened surrounding her.
"Oh. Sorry," he said. He made her jump a little.
"I didn't even hear you come in," she said and smiled at him. He cleared his throat.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked her, looking anywhere but at her.
"Yea I am. I'm just still a little stuffy. How are you?" She asked. Peeta made eye contact with her finally. He scoffed softly.
"I'm sure everyone told you. I'm just gonna go- "
"Peeta don't. Why don't you sit down and talk to me," Cenia told him. He shook his head. "Peeta I'm serious. You know you can't go on like this. You've had a really bad 72 hours, and I know you don't want to fall down that road of depression. You know how grueling and challenging that is," Cenia said, and waited for him.
It didn't want to admit it, but he knew she was right. He knew what would happen if he went down this road again. He went down that road when he was being tortured in the Capitol. But he had a reason to hang on. He wanted to see Katniss again. But now, seeing her would only stab him in the heart.
He relented. He was too weak to fight it. He sat down at the end of the table near her. He felt defeated. He wanted to talk about anything but Katniss.
"What are you doing?" He asked her. She smiled at him. She wasn't dumb. She knew exactly what he was doing.
"I'm working on a diagnosis specifically for Victors," she said. He raised his eyebrows. "Effie got all these books that were from a long, long time ago, before the Dark Days. And I've been reading up on so many different diagnoses. There's just something so different about what happens to Victors," Peeta snorted softly as he looked down at his hands and started playing with some paper that he found on the desk.
"The fact that we're all crazy?" He asked her softly. Embarrassed that he had become that as well. He asked Katniss one time if they had become mentors if she thought they'd end up like the rest of them. She was wrong. She didn't think he ever would. But he's joined the club.
"No. Like depression, vivid nightmares, PTSD, anxiety, hallucinations, bi-polar, multiple personality disorder, suicidal, substance abuse. I mean, the list really goes on and on. You all experience such powerful fear. Your full of regret..." Cenia stopped and looked at Peeta and cleared her throat.
"My point to all that, is that you're not crazy. None of you are. What you've experienced is beyond anything anyone has ever been through," she told him. But he scoffed again.
"We're crazy. All of us. There's no way to sugar coat it," Peeta told her sadly. Just admit it, all of them were crazy.
"Not everyone is. But you are now,"
"Where is this coming from?" She asked. He still wouldn't look up at her. He didn't want to admit that he was heartbroken. That he finally faced reality and realized his relationship with Katniss wasn't real.
Real or not real. What a joke. He wished that Snow just killed him.
"Peeta this isn't like you. They're worried about you. No one understands why you're taking this- "
"What does it matter?" He blurred out. God here we go again. What was the point of having this conversation?
"Peeta please. Talk to me. I can help- "
"You can't help," he put his face in his hands. "No one can help. And I can't help anyone either," Peeta cried into his hands.
"This is because Katniss is worse?" She asked, but he didn't answer. "You're the only one that can take care- "
"I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF HER!" He exploded. "The only person that can help her is Gale," he couldn't help it. It burst out of him before he had a chance to think about it.
"Gale was the one she always sought comfort in. When I was hijacked, she left me here to die. She gave up on me. She admitted it to me. She went with Gale. She chose Gale. And she chose Gale long before the first Games. Our relationship has been a total lie for the past two years," he spewed out. He couldn't stop the words from coming out, even if he tried to. He couldn't stop.
"Then why has she been with you?"
"Because she had no other choice. We had to make this second chance right. She couldn't be with Gale, so who else was going to love her and take care of her? Me. Because I'm so in love with her, she knows I'll do anything she wants. And I'm so stupid that I'll still take care of her, knowing she's not in love with me, until the day when she tells me she's with Gale. Because I'm an idiot," he cried. He buried his face in his hands again.
"What brought all this on? When did you start feeling like this?"
"I've always suspected it. I've tried not to. Because I was damn happy with her. I was blind to the future. He was wrong when he said Katniss loved me. It wasn't true. And I have to face reality that it's not ever going to be real. I've been fooling myself for almost two years…she was never mine. She never loved me. Everything she said was…" he trailed off. Why did this happen? He wish that he could go back again, and not remember the last few years.
"Who was wrong?" Cenia asked. Peeta hadn't realized he mentioned Katniss' father.
But all the things her father said to him came rushing back to him.
"I knew you were meant to be with my daughter, the day I picked her up from school and saw you looking at her. I knew you were a goner, and I just knew in my heart that you two were meant to me. And it turns out I wasn't wrong. But you doubt that. You always have. You tried to put it in the back of your mind since I sent you back, but all those feelings came back tonight. All the doubt that you have, about whether or not Katniss loves you. If she loves Gale or not,"
"You're allowed to feel this way. With everything you've been through, it isn't surprising at all. But I wanted to take this opportunity, to share some things with you," Charles said. He turned around and looked at Peeta.
"I don't want her to feel guilty enough to be with me. I don't want her to feel obligated to love me. And I think that's what she feels like. And I don't want to be second choice, just because she blames Gale for Prim's death. I don't know if I'm the one she loves. And I can't handle that," Peeta said. Charles nodded.
"Well, I can help you with that. The answer to you or Gale," Charles said. Peeta could feel his whole body shaking. He didn't want to know. It was every fear coming to light. He was jealous of Gale. He always would be. If Katniss had said she loved him, he would always feel like it was because she felt she owed him for hurting him so much.
"I can hear your thoughts by the way. And please, let me stop you, and end your agony already," he said. He didn't say it with pity. "Gale is meant to marry a lovely blonde girl," Charles said. Peeta stared at him for a moment. "And the funny thing is, Katniss was always meant to marry a blonde herself," Charles said.
"If things had been different. If there were no Hunger Games, Katniss would have been a different girl. But who she was meant to be with would never change. You and Katniss were meant to be Peeta. You were meant to be together," he said.
"Because you are my future son in law. My daughter loves you. You're the only person, besides me, to have ever made her feel safe. You're the only person to give her hope. To love her and care for her, the way she needs. And you know that it's the truth, in here," he said, pointing to Peeta's heart.
"You're afraid. I understand that. You've had a horrible two years, always thinking that Katniss loved Gale. Never getting any love back. Coming back and finding her..." her father trailed off and looked away. Peeta knew what he was referring to. When he found Katniss in her living room, attempting to kill herself. He shuddered.
"Well yes, after you found her, and then getting sent back here, and having Katniss practically say she loves you, without saying it to you. So, I know that this is hard for you. But Peeta, you love her, and I am telling you she does love you." he said. Peeta let those words sink in. Katniss loves him.
"Katniss is sick. We all know that. She can't sleep, and she's depressed. Haymitch was right about that Post Traumatic Stress. She has it and is told she can't get any help until it's all over. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's going to get better. These episodes aren't going to stop. She's still going to have these moments. She's going to get a lot worse before she gets better. And it's going to be very hard. Even when everything is all over, she's going to need you most, because that's when she's going to need to deal with every single thing, she's been through. And the only way she's ever going to make it through, is with you. Because you'll be standing by her the whole time," he said. Peeta looked at him. He looked sad.
"Knowing my daughter is in that much pain...pains me to the core. But she has you. So, I want to take those doubts out of your head. Get rid of them because everything will be ok. You'll get your happy ending. I promise. I just need you to have faith and hope, not only for yourself, but hold onto it for Katniss' for a while, till she can have hope for herself. Just keep that faith for the both of you. And love her through all of it. She will forgive herself one day, and realize that these things that happened to you, weren't her fault. But it will take a long time. So have faith and hope son," he said, and leaned forward and hugged Peeta.
"Thank you for being the man my daughter deserves," he said.
"No one," he said. He was defeated. Her father said everything he wanted to hear. Everything to make him believe that Katniss loved him.
"Peeta," she said and put her hand on top of his that was sitting on the table. He looked up at her. "Please tell me. I hate seeing you like this. Everyone hates seeing you like this," she tried to coax him. They sat in silence for a while.
"You're right…hallucinations. I hallucinated when I hit my head," he said, pulling his hand away.
"When?"
"When we came back from the Games. Katniss wasn't sleeping, so Peeta to the rescue. She accidentally slammed into me, and I hit my head and passed out," he said. He was embarrassed. He was incredibly humiliated. He laughed.
"I thought I saw Katniss' father. God how stupid am I?" He said and laughed again.
"Why is that stupid?" He jerked his up.
"Did you just hear what I said? I hallucinated some guy when I hit my head. I imagined him talking to me, telling me everything I wanted to hear. Katniss really loves you Peeta. You're the one that can take care of her. She doesn't love Gale, she loves you. You were the thing that caused her to commit suicide because she couldn't take losing you to Snow. It was all bull shit," he burst out as he slammed his hand on the table, making Cenia jump. Peeta sat back in his chair. He sounded so stupid. He was so naive.
"So, Katniss didn't see him either?" She asked. He picked his head up and stared at her. "Cinna encouraged Haymitch to tell me, so I could be better at helping Katniss. So, I know she saw her father," he snorted and laughed.
"We are all crazy. She never saw him. She just imagined it to,"
"Then how do you explain how we're all sitting here right now?" She asked. He didn't have an answer for that one. Words were failing him at the moment.
"We were given a second chance. We literally went back in time to fix everything. How do you think we got here?" She asked him. He just couldn't answer that one.
"You got me there," he admitted. How did they get here?
"Peeta, what brought this on?"
"When I admitted the truth. That all I've ever been, is a substitute until Gale can be with her. I finally faced it," he laughed.
"I can never measure up to him. He's a man, and I'm some lovesick child," he was pitiful.
"I don't know where this even came from. You've done a complete one 180 when it comes to Katniss. You've…you've given up," she says. He did give up. Better now than later because every day he falls more and more in love with her.
"Katniss isn't the only one that hears voices in their head," she told him. He hasn't thought of that. It was true. He was having conversations in his head…and he had never done that before.
"I think it's President Snow…I think it's, Katniss and Gale too," she told him.
He suddenly realized…she was right. How did he not hear them until now? They were there…he was losing it. They had always been there. But had been able to keep the voice buried…until a few days ago. His thoughts had voices now. And he couldn't make them stop.
"It still doesn't mean their wrong," he whispered. Cenia started moving books and notebooks around. She finally found the one she was searching for, and then she looked a for another one. Once she found it, she opened it and started looking through pages.
"Alright. This goes against everything I stand for, reading these to you. They would never trust me again if they knew I told you this," she said. She cleared her throat.
"It was stupid of me to think we were meant to be together. I never thought I'd marry someone I loved. I just settled for the face that me and Katniss would get married for convenience," Cenia said and looked up at him. These were Gale's words. This was his session with Cenia.
"I didn't feel anything when I kissed her that first time, but I made myself believe it. I pushed the thought away and buried it deep in my subconscious that it meant nothing. That's how her and I are alike. I forced myself to love her in that way, and she forced herself to not love Peeta and to love me, when she had no romantic feelings for me," Cenia said and turned the page.
"It was a relief when she left for the Quell the first and second time. Not that I wanted her to die. I never want that. But that I could start admitting to myself that she was my sister, not the love of my life," she followed her finger down the page.
"It was a relief a second time because once we were in 13, I could finally stop pretending for Panem. I was free," she looked back up at him. He gulped and turned the page again.
"Madge makes me feel things I never felt before. I try not to think about it…but I see her in my life for a really long time. I see her more than just a friend. It's freeing to feel that way for her. There was so much anger in seeing myself with Katniss, but it only feels good with Madge," Cenia said and shut the notebook and looked up at him.
She stared him, but he couldn't hold his gaze. Did Gale really say all that? He couldn't believe that. He said he was forcing himself to love her, but Peeta knew…he wasn't moving on with Madge, he was settling for her because Katniss was with Peeta.
"I hate myself for not admitting that I fell in love with him the day he threw me bread," he couldn't look up at Cenia. It was obligation. It was regret for everything bad that happened to him. Katniss thinks it was her fault.
"He gave me hope that day, that everything would be ok. I hurt him so bad, and I just want to make it up to him," he heard Cenia turn the page. He wouldn't look at her. He couldn't.
"I trust him,"
"He's the only one that can get through to me,"
"He's the only one to make me feel safe,"
"I couldn't handle when he was hijacked. I couldn't bear to face him. I was ashamed. I wasn't strong enough to help him. He was gone and I made myself go to Gale. Go back to that stupid feeling that we were supposed to be together,"
"He makes my stomach ache. From the moment I kissed him. Not all of those kisses were fake in the cave. Some of them were real,"
"I wish he'd leave me and find someone who could make him happy. I'm too broken for him. He deserves a woman who will love him as much as he loves me-as much as he'll love her," Cenia looked back up at him. He wouldn't face her.
"She choked when she said that. She grabbed her hair and started pulling on it.
"I can't imagine him with anyone else. I'm selfish and I want to keep him forever. But I have to let him go. I have to free him from this curse. From me," she said and shut the notebook.
"I can go on and on. Ninety percent of our conversations are about you…you've made her happy through all her pain,"
"Don't believe that. Katniss doesn't feel those things. It's a lie. Nothing but lies" Snow said. Oh God, he knew now who the voice belonged to for the past few days.
He grabbed his hair and pulled on it. Oh God! Snow was talking to him now. He could hear Snow saying all the same things when he was captured in the Capitol. Katniss lies. Katniss lies!
"Peeta it's ok. What you're going through as a Victor is normal- "his head shot up.
"Because we're all crazy. God why now? Why does this have to happen now?" He groaned pulling on his hair again.
"You've lasted a long time before this started happening. You've lasted longer than anyone- "
"Stop saying all that. Finnick doesn't go through this. Hearing voices in his head. He never breaks down. He's the strongest Victor. Haymitch drinks and doesn't hear voices. Johanna doesn't. God even Mags and Muscida don't hear them. Look how well they've done in their lives," he cried.
"Well, you're wrong. Because Finnick does break down. And he does hear voices," he jerked his head up. "He's cried on the floor in my room, begging Snow to stop talking to him,"
"No, he didn't. She's lyyyyyying. You're weak Peeta. You'll never be like Finnick. You'll never be as strong as Gale. She doesn't love you. You were a place holder until she could be with Gale," Snow told him.
"I'm not strong enough for this. I'm not strong enough to let her go. I can't do this anymore," he cried, pulling his hair so hard he thought he might rip it out of his skull.
"You are strong Peeta. You just have to ride this out. Lean on everyone. They love you and they're here for you," Cenia said.
"You'll never BE strong. Just stop it. Stop feeling,"
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Long enough for him to finally stop crying. He just stared at the table. Cenia may have said something, but he wouldn't have heard it.
"I wish she never pulled out those berries…I wish she killed me right then," he said monotonously.
"Peeta," she said warily. He suddenly jumped up and stormed out of the room. Running as fast as he could. He ran down the hall before she had a chance to follow him.
Cenia pounded on Cinna's door. Portia answered and instantly saw her face. "What's wrong" she asked as she was holding the door open. Cenia walked in, and Cinna was reading a book, and put it down when he saw her.
"Peeta ran off…" she trailed off. Cinna stood up and walked towards her, stopping in front of her. He knew there was something else.
"What else Cenia. Say it,"
"He's hearing voices…I'm afraid that he's going to take his own life," she whispered. They grabbed a few people and went searching for Peeta. But Peeta was hiding in a hallway. He snuck down there, but not before he snuck into Haymitch's compartment and grabbed four bottles of white liquor. He had never drank alcohol before, and didn't know how many he needed to get drunk, but he wanted to be prepared.
Snow was laughing. "Weak little boy. You're nothing. Drink away all your pain. Drown your sorrows. Pretend that you're happy. Pretend Katniss loves you. Think about the future that you'll never have,"
"Damnit," he cried and took a long gulp of the liquor. He instantly started coughing. It burned going down. How could Haymitch drink this every day of his life?
Peeta ended up drinking the whole bottle within a couple minutes, and then started in on his second. He wanted to be drunk quickly. He ignored the burning sensation every time he came up for air. But he forced himself to drink more. He was halfway through his third one before he had to sit back and breathe.
He didn't know how long he waited for, but he started feeling the effects. It was a soothing feeling. Every minute that passed he became more and more relaxed.
He laughed softly and put his head back against the wall. This was why Haymitch drank. For the glorious calming effect.
He heard someone gasp and he opened his eyes to see Madge. She spun around before Peeta could say anything.
"Gale over here. I found him," she called.
"Oh God," he said loudly. Not Gale. He was the last person he wanted to see. This was the man that had Katniss' heart. The man he lost the love of his life to.
Gale and Madge came running up to him. "Peeta we've been looking everywhere for you," Madge said.
"Well. You found me. Cheers," Peeta slurred as he held up the third bottle he was still working on and took another gulp. Gale bent down in front of him. To talk to Peeta at eye level.
"What are you doing? Being another drunk Victor?" Gale asked. Peeta laughed at him. His head felt heavy.
"Absolutely. If you haven't noticed, we're all crazy. Every last Victor," Peeta laughed and took another sip.
"You're not crazy. You've been- "Gale tried to say.
"Oh, just admit it. We're crazy. No Victor should be with another Victor because crazy can't take care of crazy," Peeta said. Gale and Madge just looked at each other.
"Peeta you're not making any sense," Madge said as she bent down and put her hand on his leg.
He just laughed again. "You won," he told Gale. Gale furrowed his eyebrows.
"I won what?"
"You won Katniss. Her heart. She loves you. You can be with her now," he blurted out.
"That's what this is all about? You think Katniss loves me? Who even gave you that stupid idea?" Gale demanded. Peeta laughed again. Gale snatched the bottle out of his hand. "HEY THAT'S MINE!"
Peeta tried to grab the bottle, but he just swayed and couldn't tell where Gale's hand was. Peeta went to grab the other bottle, but Gale snatched that one away to.
"Damnit just give them back. I need them," he reached for them, but Gale just pushed him back against the wall again.
"I wanna know where you got this stupid idea about me and Katniss from. I wanna know what just changed in a few days," Gale demanded.
"Snow told me!" He snapped, trying to stand up, but failed and fell back down. He laughed. "Snow talks to me. Just like he does for Katniss. He's been doing it to me, but I tried to ignore it," he just laughed into his hands.
"I ignored that she loves you. She's always loved you. I was just holding your place till she could be with you," he smiled and held out his arms.
"You won. She's yours now," he looked over at Madge. "I'm sorry. He doesn't love you. Get out while you still can. Don't wind up like me. A pathetic, lovesick little puppy. He doesn't love you," he told madge, trying to convince her.
He felt strong hands on his shoulders, shaking him roughly.
"Don't you say that to her. That's not true. I don't love Katniss. And she doesn't love me. She loves you," Peeta looked at Madge. Well, he tried to look at her. There were three of her.
"I don't want to see you hurt. Get out while you can," he told her. Gale pulled on his head to face him.
"I don't know what the hell got into you. But you have to sober up and get this shit out of your head. And stop listening to those voices. All they do is lie to you," Gale said. Peeta just laughed.
"You don't get voices in your head…that's why Katniss needs you. You're not crazy. That's why she chose you time and time again," he raised his hands in the hair. "You're the one she loves!" He shouted.
"Alright get up," Gale demanded. He couldn't stand straight, so Gale and Madge had to hold him up.
"Gale won Katniss' heart," he told Madge. "Gale thought it was me. Because of the way she kissed me in the Quarter Quell. But it was all for show. I laid down everything to be with her. But it wasn't enough. It was never enough," he looked over at Gale. "I was never enough. I was never man enough for her," Peeta said.
"Peeta please just stop it. It isn't true. Katniss really loves you," Madge cried. But Peeta shook his head, which only caused him to stumble.
"Gale was the only one that could comfort her. Do you know what it feels like to take care of someone, and make yourself believe that you're happy, and your loved? It's like a knife in your heart. Gale has her heart. She's gonna be with Gale," Peeta cried.
"Shut up already. I don't want to hear it. No one wants to hear you spouting off that bull shit because it's garbage. She loves you so tell Snow to shut the fuck up," Gale told him and looked down at him.
"Why do believe him? He's evil. All he does is lie," Gale said. They got him back to his compartment. Johanna went running down the hall to meet them at the door.
"Is he drunk?" Johanna cried.
"He had almost four bottles of white liquor," Madge said.
"Just call me Haymitch," Peeta just laughed at his own joke.
Peeta didn't remember what happened after that. He moaned when he woke up. He felt so sick to his stomach and his head was pounding. He suddenly felt his stomach lurch and was somehow directed to a trash can to throw up in. He gagged, coughed and dry heaved for a few minutes before he fell back into his bed, panting heavily. He couldn't even open his eyes. He heard some movement and the water running.
He opened his eyes, groaning from the lights. He looked over and saw Haymitch and Finnick sitting there on Johanna's bed, staring at him. He just moaned and turned on to his stomach.
"It's too bright in here," he complained.
"Well, we're not turning the lights off," Haymitch said. Peeta winced and covered his ears.
"You're too loud," he groaned and pulled the pillow over his head. He felt the pillow being taken away a moment later. "Just leave me alone," Peeta told them.
"No, we're good here," Haymitch said.
"God you're so loud," Peeta said. His head was throbbing.
"That's unfortunate, isn't it?" Haymitch asked loudly.
"Drink some water and take this for the pain," Finnick said. Peeta opened one eye and could see that Finnick was holding a pill.
Peeta's hand was shaking as he took the pill. Finnick came over and helped him sit up enough to drink the water and sat back on the bed across from him.
"Keep drinking. You need to stay hydrated," Finnick told him. The water felt so nice and cool going down his throat, that was filled with acid from throwing up.
"You need to hurl again?" Haymitch asked. Peeta was sitting up now against the wall, with his head back and eyes closed.
"Not yet," he whispered.
"Good. So now you can tell me when you started hearing voices," Haymitch said. The past few days came flooding back to him. He lost Katniss. He didn't want to think about her. That's why he got drunk the night before.
"How long Peeta?" Haymitch asked. He was humiliated. He couldn't sink any lower. Might as well be honest.
"Since he tortured me in the Capitol," he admitted.
"Why didn't you ever tell us?" Finnick asked him. He was glad he didn't open his eyes and see the looks on their faces. He knew what he would see. Pity!
"I couldn't admit it. I didn't know I was," he whispered. He took another sip of water. He could feel the coolness all the way down in his chest. It was heavenly.
"So, for two years you've been ignoring the voices?" Haymitch asked. Peeta nodded his head. Haymitch snorted, making Peeta open his eyes. Haymitch and Finnick were looking at each other.
"I'm impressed. I don't think any Victor has been able to ignore the voices for over two years," Finnick said. Haymitch shook his head and they both looked at him.
"I lasted about what?" He looked at Haymitch. "Seven? Eight months?" Finnick asked and then looked back at Peeta. "Once my sister was killed, after my parents, I started hearing them," Finnick told him.
"I started hearing them a few days after I got home and my mom, brother and girlfriend were killed," Haymitch told him. Peeta shook his head.
"No, you didn't. Stop lying to me. It's all you guys ever do," Peeta whispered. He felt himself being pulled up by the two of them and shoved into the shower with freezing after. He tried fighting them, but he had no strength to fight either of them off, and he just slid down the shower wall.
How did he fall so hard, so fast? How did he go down into this black hole so quick? Is this what Katniss felt like? He shook his head. No! Don't think about her.
"Why do you think I drink every day?" Haymitch demanded. "When I'm drunk, I can't hear Snow's voice," Haymitch yelled over the water. He buried his face in his knees. He was humiliated. He couldn't look at them. Two of the strongest men he knew, no matter how much alcohol Haymitch drank.
"We all hear him Peeta. We just have to find ways to drown him out," Finnick told him.
"Please just leave me alone," he told them.
"They love seeing you like this. They love seeing how weak and useless you are,"
"Nooo," he groaned and pulled at his hair. Haymitch got into to shower and yanked his hands away from him.
"Tell him to shut up Peeta! Just like with Katniss. Tell him to go away!" Haymitch told him. Peeta tried to pull away at the sound of her name. Snow started laughing.
"Katniss and Gale will get married. Right in front of you. They'll make love and have babies, right in front of you Peeta," Peeta tried to pull his hands away.
"No, no, no," he started crying and yanked on his hands. "Let me go!" He yelled. Finnick had stepped inside the shower and held his shoulders.
"Tell him to leave you alone. Fight him back Peeta. You're stronger than him. You can do this," Finnick told him. Peeta burst out sobbing. Snow was laughing louder now.
"I can't do this! Just make it stop!" He sobbed.
"It'll stop when you fight him back Peeta! Tell him to get the fuck out of your head," Haymitch ordered him.
"You know how to make it stop Peeta. Just like Katniss did,"
"Please just let me go," he sobbed. He was defeated and his body sagged into Haymitch and Finnick.
"Let's get him outta here," Haymitch and Finnick helped him and changed him and put him back into bed. Peeta fell asleep instantly while Haymitch and Finnick just watched him.
"I don't even know how to respond to him. It's like he's a completely different person," Finnick said as he and Haymitch sat at the table, just watching Peeta.
"Thought it was bad with Katniss like this…I never thought…" Haymitch trailed off and looked at the table.
"I thought he was the lucky one…I thought he'd live his life without ever hearing voices," Finnick turned and looked at Haymitch. "Just another Hunger Games, Victor causality," Finnick said sadly. Haymitch agreed with him.
"He's the only one that can ever get through to her," Haymitch said. That was entirely true. Peeta was the one who always brought Katniss out of her episodes. This episode was lasting too long for Katniss. She needed help, and Peeta was the only one that could her out of it. But how do you get Katniss out of an episode, when you need to pull Peeta out of his?
"All we can do is let him sleep it off," Haymitch said.
Peeta slept on and off that day. Vomiting a few more times. But no one bothered him. It wasn't until later that night that he heard loud voices outside his room.
"She hasn't been staying with her mom and Prim. She's gone in a few times, but they've been in bed all week with the flu. They had no idea she wasn't sleeping in her own compartment. They knew she was having a hard time but that was it," Haymitch said.
"So how has she gotten away from everyone this many times? How has she been able to hide, and no one can find her?" He heard Effie ask. They were just all talking so loudly.
He went into the bathroom and splashed water on his face and brushed his teeth. He changed his clothes and put his shoes on and went to the door where he could hear them talking.
"She used to hide in closets all the time. I've already looked in the one's I've been with her in," Gale said. That was like a stab to his heart. He put his head down. His heart was just broken.
"I've looked in a million fucking closets in this place. There's no sign of her," Johanna said.
"Are you sure Coin doesn't have her?" He heard Cressida ask.
"I swear she doesn't. She's here somewhere," Boggs said.
"Even when we find we her, what are we gonna do? She won't listen to anyone but-"that's when he opened the door. So many of his friends and family were standing in the hallway. Everyone was silent as they looked at him. Great. More people to witness his shame.
He just kept his head down and shut the door behind him. "I'll find her," he said and started walking down the hall, everyone moving to let him go.
"Peeta I'll go with you," Wheet said. But Peeta shook his head.
"I said I'd find her, and I'll find her. It's what I do," he said without looking back. "It's what I always do," he said softly, but a few people heard him.
He walked onto random floors. Hitting whatever floor on the elevator and walking through the halls. He had lost count how many floors he had searched for her. He lost track of how long he had been looking. A couple of times he ran into someone, but he just walked the opposite way.
At one point he just sat on a bench. "WHY don't you just make it all stop?"
He rubbed his eyes. Why was he torturing himself like this? Just end it and be done with it.
"Because you made a promise to me,"
Oh God, now it was her voice. Well, this was just awesome now wasn't it. He didn't want these voices in his head. They had been there for years. It was like he had shut them in a room, and they were muffled. Now they all seem to come out and yell at him with the volume all the way up.
He heard something odd. He sat up straight as he listened for it. It happened again. What was that? It sounded like a scream or a sob. Like it was being muffled. Like the damn voices in his head. He walked to the opposite wall and opened the door revealing, yet again, some maintenance closet. It had pipes along the wall, and he was about the shut the door when he heard the noise again. He stepped inside and noticed that his room went along the wall. He knew he heard a sob that time.
"Please just stop. I can't sleep. Please just let me go to sleep,"
Katniss!
He found her. He followed her voice down the hall and saw her at the end, laying on her side with her knees curled up to her chin with her hands covering her ears.
"He's ok. He's alive. He's in…no, no, no, please don't hurt him. Please give him back," she begged.
He tried clearing his throat. "Katniss," he said. Katniss looked up at him and stared.
"You shouldn't be here. Please don't make me leave. I can't leave," she cried and closed her eyes again.
He didn't understand what was going on. He tried shaking his head to clear out the fog. But he was still hungover. And he was hearing his own voices in his head…wait.
"Is Snow talking to you?" Peeta asked. Katniss nodded her head. "Then why didn't you let me help you?" He choked on his words.
"Because she doesn't love you,"
"I have to come in here. I can hear him better in here," Katniss cried. What?
"But I've always made them stop," he whispered, but she shook her head.
"They come back. And he's so loud. But if I come in here and let him talk to me…then it's not so loud in my head," she sobbed. Peeta looked around. Was he understanding this right? If she hid in this closet all day, then she could hear Snow's voice, and it was easier to hide in here, because then his voice wasn't so loud in her head?
He just wanted to take all her pain away. He wanted her to stop hearing voices. He wanted her to be able to function and be able to live out a long happy life.
"She'll do that with Gale,"
He closed his eyes tightly. Why couldn't Katniss love him?
He opened his eyes when she started sobbing. "Please just make them stop," she cried. He cleared his throat and bent down.
"Come on Katniss. Let me take you back to ou-to your room," he needed to let her go. He needed her to know it was ok. That he was letting her go.
"Please don't make me,"
"You need to sleep Katniss," but she started sobbing again. He started crying as well. He wasn't good enough to take care of her.
"If she was with Gale, none of this would have happened,"
God, he didn't want to think about Gale. He already knew Gale was better than him. He got the point!
"You can take a shower. You always feel better after a bath," he whispered. She hadn't showered in over a week. But she was still so beautiful.
"I can't move," she cried.
"Please just hold me Peeta," she cried in his head. He couldn't stop it if he tried. He laid behind her, spooning her to his body. He wrapped his arms around her as she sobbed, but she wrapped his arms right and held on to his arms for dear life. Just like she needed him-
"She's lying again,"
He squeezed his eyes shut tightly as he cried into the back of her neck. He had to hold on to this memory. It would be the last time he held her. The last time she'd let him. He could just pretend that it wasn't.
"I just want it all to stop," she sobbed. He kissed the back of her neck.
"Me to," he admitted. He felt her squeeze his arms tighter. "I'm sorry I failed you…I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you," he cried into the back of her neck.
When they woke up the next day, he'd have to say goodbye to her. He'd have to leave this room and never look back. He would give up his life so she would have one. So, she could move past all the pain and live a happy life. She wouldn't be saddled down with him any longer. Since the moment they stepped foot onto the train for their first Games, she had been stuck with him.
The night was miserable. It was the first he had slept at least better. He was holding Katniss in his arms. It's where they were supposed-no, it's where he wanted her to be, in his arms. But they're not the arms that were supposed to be around her.
Time had no relevance to him lately. It was just something that moved too fast or too slow. Never going the right speed. He assumed it was going to fast now. He knew they were sleeping for a long time, because every time when Katniss finally got to sleep after being deprived of it, she slept so long, sometimes over 10 hours.
He was sure everyone was frantically looking for the both of them now. He wondered if anyone had ever checked this closet but just assumed no one was in here.
He wanted to memorize every detail of this moment. She feel of her body pressed up against him. The way her body fit perfectly into his. How good she felt in his arms. How perfect she was.
But the sweetness couldn't last, and he felt her stirring. His heart seized in his chest. He had this sudden cold; hot chill cover his body and could feel himself start to sweat.
Katniss turned in his arms and looked at him. Her beautiful gray highs staring back at him. Was she waiting for him to say something? Of course, she was. Welcome back, sweetheart, just wasn't gonna cut it this time. She deserved more. She deserved more than what she got stuck with.
Katniss stared at him and searched his face while he just gulped. The sooner he got out, the sooner all his pain would stop.
She put her hand on his shoulder. "Why are you shaking?" She whispered. He closed his eyes and he felt her wiping away tears. "Peeta what's wrong?" She asked him.
"You should take a bath. And eat something. You're gonna feel…so much after that," he said without opening his eyes. He couldn't look at her face.
"Why are you acting so weird?" She whispered to him. He pulled away from her and sat up. He was such a coward; he couldn't even look at her.
"I'll go get Gale for you. He can take care of you now," he said. Just make yourself stand up. You're doing this for her. Do the right thing and go now.
"Wait, what?" Katniss scrubbed her face. Peeta knew she was trying to shake the fogginess away from her and wake up.
"Just stay here…and I'll go get Gale for you," he whispered. It felt like someone put icy hot underneath his skin.
"Why would you get Gale?" He gulped.
"Please don't make this any harder," he whispered and dared to look at her. She was so confused. She was breathtaking though.
"I'm letting you go…so you can be happy," he barely spoke above a shaky whisper. She shook her head.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't want…why are you getting Gale?" She babbled. He smiled sadly and cupped her cheek.
"You never deserved anything bad that's happened to you," he told her. She just stared at him. "And you deserve to stop putting on shows for Panem. You deserve to be happy. And you deserve to be taken care of by the man you love," he choked on the last word and looked away so he could regain his composure.
"I don't know what you're saying," she cried. He smiled again at her.
"I'm not gonna stand in your way…of being with Gale," her mouth just fell open. "It's ok Katniss. I'm setting you free of me. You don't have to be with me because you feel guilty about what happened to me. I'm gonna be ok. You're going to be happy, and that's all that matters," he told her. Her eyes widened and she shook her head.
"No," she whispered. She pulled at her hair. "No, he said he loved me," she panted. She started rocking back and forth. "This isn't real. This isn't real,"
He watched her rocking back and forth. She needed someone strong…and with him hearing his own voices…he wasn't that person anymore.
He leaned forward and kissed the top of her head and stayed there for a moment. "I love you…so much. And I'm so sorry I couldn't be enough for you," he let out a choke and shakily stood up and started walking towards the door.
"Stay with me," she cried. He stopped. He was frozen.
"It's not her. It's just her voice inside your head again, saying the words you desperately need to hear" he pulled on his hair.
"Please stay with me," she cried. He forced himself to keep waking.
"You're leaving me?" She cried. He felt like he was gonna throw up, and he bolted for the door and stormed out of there, slamming the door behind him. He could hear her sobbing.
"Please don't leave me. Please come back," she sobbed.
"She's only saying what you need to her. She's free now,"
He didn't know how he started walking away from the door. He didn't know where he found the strength from. But he was walking to find Gale to go get her.
"PEETA!" Someone called his name. He turned and saw Rue running towards him. The kid from District 4, Justin, from the 74th Games was with her. They were talking to him, but he couldn't understand what they were saying. He saw Rue call someone over her shoulder, and before he knew it, Thresh, his sister and Wheet were all in front him. Wheet was shaking him.
"Peeta talk to me. Are you ok? Did you find Katniss?" Before he could answer, everyone jumped from the loud, blood-curdling scream. It was a Katniss. They all went running away from him and towards her. He walked back to his compartment.
He sank to his feet and grabbed at his chest again. He really was having a heart attack. How could he do that? How could he leave her?
"YOU know what you have to do," Snow said
He pounded his head on the floor and tried to block out Snow's voice.
"Please. I don't wanna do this. I can't leave her," Peeta cried, grabbing his chest again.
"All the pain will stop Peeta. She has Gale now,"
He sobbed on the floor and dragged himself over to his bed. The bed he's been sharing with Katniss for so many months now. He yanked on the sheet, making the pillow and blankets fall in his lap. He could smell her shampoo.
"Please don't make me do this," he begged.
"You have to do it. It's the only way she'll be free,"
He cried harder. But what about his family?
"They'll be better off without you. Everyone will because they don't have to carry you anymore,"
God. It was humiliating to be, Peeta Mellark. They were ashamed of him. Ashamed that he wasn't able to carry himself through life.
He pulled on the sheet and his shaky hands moved it just the way Finnick had shown him how. He tested it and then stood up. He looked at the ceiling and saw where he could tie the sheet. He stared at his hands.
"All the pain will be gone. You'll be able to rest,"
"Please take care of her," he asked Gale.
But hands stopped him. They placed their hands on top of his and gently pulled the sheet that was tied into noose, out of Peeta's hands.
"Please just let me die," Peeta cried.
"No. Not today son," he knew that voice. He slowly looked up. He was crazy again because Katniss' father was standing in front of him and looking at him sadly.
"Why don't we sit down Peeta," Charles said. Peeta shook his head.
"You're not real," Peeta whispered. Charles took a deep breath and let it out.
"I guess I'll have to prove it to you then," Charles said. And before Peeta knew it, her father punched him so hard in his upper arm it sent Peeta flying into the table. He grabbed his arm in pain…but something happened.
He looked up at her father, and then back at his arm. "Still think I'm not real? Or do you honestly want me to punch your other arm?" He chuckled. He could feel the pain in his arm. Katniss father was here! Standing in front of him.
"How about you sit down. You look like you're going to faint," Charles said and directed Peeta to sit on his bed, and Charles sat across from him on Johanna's.
"What are you doing here?" Peeta asked quietly.
"I wanted to make sure I stopped you from taking your own life," Charles said. Peeta just felt empty. He wanted to. He didn't want to feel…anything. "I know you've been strong about holding off on these voices. But you finally listened, and it just took you over. And I'm so sorry for this," Charles said. Peeta wouldn't look at him. He was humiliated.
"Do you know how many Victors have tried to take their own lives? The only ones who have managed it, are all the ones that are dead. Give or take one or two," he said. Peeta wouldn't look at him. He just couldn't. He was so ashamed of everything he had ever done.
"Peeta you gotta stop. You've done nothing to be ashamed of. That's Snow talking in your head. No one thinks badly about you," Charles said.
"I'm going crazy," he cried. Charles let out a deep breath.
"I'm not gonna try and convince you that you're not crazy. Because you're not in that frame of mind to hear it," he said gently.
"Then why are you here again? Why are me and Katniss the only ones that see you? Why am I seeing you a second time?"
"Because the first time I visited you, my message to you about Katniss didn't stick. So, I'm back to try again, and I'm hoping you'll be convinced this time around," Charles said kindly.
"You're seeing things- "
"STOP IT!" Charles said loudly, making Peeta jump. "I can hear that voice. And it's not real Peeta. It's all from Snow's torture that's stuck in your head. Don't fall for it,"
"So why is it happening now? Why all of a sudden?" He sounded pitiful.
"No, you don't. You sound hurt. Peeta, you were tortured in the Capitol. They beat you. They broke your bones and mended them just to break them again. They shocked your heart. They instilled fear into you. They hijacked you. Why is this happening now isn't the question. It's how did you last so long before this happened," he told him. He rested his head in his hands. He was weak. He was tired.
"You're allowed to be tired. It's almost over Peeta. You've been telling Katniss to hang on, now you just gotta take your own advice," he told him. Peeta shook his head. He was in agony about Katniss.
"Alright. I need you to listen to me about her. She loves you Peeta. You're it for her," Charles said. Peeta tangled his fingers through his hair. Not real.
Charles took his hands away and made Peeta look at him.
"My words won't be able to convince you. I can't change you or make you better. I can't make all the pain go away. But I can do one thing, and that's show you how she feels. You're gonna feel what she feels," Charles said. He put his hand on Peeta's chest, over her heart.
He was looking through Katniss' eyes. Moments that went by so quick, but he could feel what she felt.
He saw himself throw her the bread, and the next day when she picked up the dandelion. He made her feel like he gave her a future. He felt her love him, but fearful and she shoved it away.
He heard her thoughts when his name was called at the Reaping. She was heartbroken. She was heartbroken that he was now her enemy.
She had a nightmare and woke up crying that she had to fight against Peeta in the arena, while she was laying in her room at the Tribute Center.
How happy she was when she was told they could go home together.
The time she kissed him in the arena when it was for her. He felt the hunger in her stomach.
He felt her heart shatter when she told him the truth that it was an act…but not all of it was an act.
Her depressing guilt she felt for hurting him.
Feeling nothing when she kissed Gale, guilt about Peeta for kissing Gale, and then forcing her feelings.
The safety she felt in Peeta's arms.
The anger at Snow for making her marry Peeta, but being relieved that it was Peeta, and no one else.
The love she felt for willing to end her life for him.
The hunger she felt on the beach when they kissed. She truth and feeling behind her telling him that she needed him. The window of her heart opening up to him, knowing that she loved him but knowing it was too late. And hearing her thoughts that she wouldn't say the words, just feel it.
The devastation of walking away from him in the arena and leaving him behind.
The heart ache she felt while he was captured. How she would take the pearl and run it across her lips. She wanted him to know that she was here, and she loved him.
How she thought of him as her boy with the bread. Her dandelion of hope.
Her pain every time she saw him on tv.
She was going to finally admit that she loved him when he came back from the Capitol. And her absolute nail in the coffin devastation when Snow hijacked him.
How she forced herself to find comfort with Gale and ignore Peeta. Because she was ashamed that he was hurt because of her.
He felt how she felt about Gale. It was friendship. He was like her brother. And the emptiness she felt when she kissed him.
He felt her pain when she waited for him to come home to District 12.
Her fear of loving him.
He felt all her pain. But he felt something else. Love. She loved him. Everything she had told him, was true. She one hundred percent, felt that Peeta was her hero. He was so strong in her eyes. The strongest person she knew. She was trying to be better for him, because she felt like she didn't deserve him. She wasn't good enough for him. She loved him. She hadn't said the words because she was scared, and Peeta told her to wait for the perfect moment…but Katniss loved him.
Charles took his hand away and sat back on Johanna's bed. "Do you believe me now?" Charles asked. Peeta nodded his head. He put his own hand on his chest.
"I felt it…it was real. It felt real. I could feel what she felt," he whispered. He looked up at Charles. "How did you do that?" Peeta asked. Charles smiled and chuckled.
"That is another story. For another day," Charles said and squeezed his shoulder.
"Thank you," he choked on his words.
"You can't let those voices get to you. It happened so quickly for you. You had your own episode, and it takes over you. That doesn't make you weak. Getting through it makes you strong," Charles told him.
"It got me too quick,"
"You've lasted four years without having an episode. It was going to happen. You didn't know what was happening. Now, the next time it starts happening, you can reach out for someone to help you. Even Katniss," Charles said. His eyes widened. He couldn't do that.
"You can lean on her. She feels like all she ever does is take and take from you. She wants more than anything to be strong enough to take care of you. It's a natural thing for any woman to feel like that. And what makes her depression worse is that she feels like she's failing you,"
But it's me that's failing her.
"No, it's not. Neither of you are failing. You've both been through too much trauma. More trauma than one person can handle. A person isn't meant to handle this much trauma, but here we are. You just have to hold on for a little while longer," he encouraged Peeta.
"Why can't you just make all the pain go away?" He whispered. Charles sat there for a moment and let out a huge sigh.
"I want to. More than anything. But…there are limits to what I'm allowed to do," he said sadly. A moment later though he scooted forward on the bed. "But it'll only make you stronger. I promise you that,"
"Is this the worst it'll be for her?" He asked. Charles face said it all. It wasn't. He didn't know what could possibly be worse than this.
"I know it's hard to hear that. But I promise you Peeta, she will get better. It'll take some time. A lot of time. But she will make it through. Just don't lose that hope. Don't lose faith," Peeta was tired.
"I know you are…you all are. But this part is almost over. And then…you'll be free," he told Peeta. He handed back the sheets to Peeta.
"You're just giving this back to me?" Charles smiled.
"I trust you…besides, Johanna's just gonna make the bed later," he said and reached forward and hugged him. "Just hold on Peeta. You'll be alright. You both will be alright," he said and pulled back. Peeta wiped his face and looked up. Charles was gone. Just like that