Peeta sat there for a while, not really knowing what to do. He had his first episode. It was scary. It was overwhelming. It was exhausting. And so emotionally, mentally, and physically draining.
Katniss was much stronger than he ever knew was possible because his episode knocked everything out of him. How has she gone through so many of these? To feel an episode like this…he looked down at the sheet he made into a noose that was sitting in his hands. His vision became blurry with tears. He was going to kill himself.
The thought scared him. He really was going to do it. He was going to take his own life…all because he believed that voice in his head saying that Katniss didn't love him. That he was a weak little boy. Everyone would be better off without him.
His episode scared him. He was frozen in fear right now. If Katniss' father never appeared, would he have hung himself? He knows what would have happened. He would have climbed up on the chair, wrapped the sheet around his neck…
He couldn't finish the thought. What if it happened again? Well of course it was going to happen again. Katniss was living proof of that. If he had one episode, and it led to him trying to end his life. What would the next one be like?
He heard his compartment door open, and someone walk in. He heard more than one person walk in. He didn't look up though. It didn't matter who it was. How was he supposed to explain what happened? He was ashamed that he couldn't have been strong enough to know what was happening to him. He wasn't strong enough to fight it.
They sat down on Johanna's bed quietly. He could see three pairs of shoes. He recognized Johanna's, but he didn't know yet who the other two belonged to.
"What are you doing with that sheet?" Finnick asked gently. Peeta sniffed and wiped his nose. He sat there for a moment, thinking of what to say. He used to never have problem with words. When he was strong, words always came so easily and naturally to him. Whereas now…words were failing him.
He cleared his throat. "I was going to hang myself," he whispered. He may as well be honest about it. He was so humiliated. He didn't want to see the disappointment on their faces.
"Was?" Haymitch asked. Peeta wiped at his nose, and he nodded his head.
"What stopped you?" Johanna asked cautiously. Peeta let out a chuckle.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Peeta said.
"Katniss saw her father and we went back in time and everyone's alive. What could you possibly say that we wouldn't believe you?" Johanna asked. Peeta rubbed his eyes.
"I saw him to," Peeta said. They were silent. He knew they wouldn't know what to say. Only Haymitch knew that Peeta had seen him before.
"Again?" Haymitch asked. Peeta nodded.
"Wait. What do you mean again?" Johanna asked. Haymitch didn't answer.
"Peeta," Haymitch said. He wanted Peeta to do the talking.
"I hit my head. And I saw her father," he admitted.
"Did you hit your head again?" Finnick asked. Peeta shook his head.
"No. He was just here. He took this from me," Peeta said, playing around with the sheet. He had been playing with it the entire time. Johanna must have been sick of it because she reached forward and snatched it out of his hands.
"Stop playing with that," she snapped and threw it to the side of him. That's when he looked up at them. He had to face them sooner or later. He gulped. They didn't look disappointed. They looked concerned. They looked sympathetic. He didn't know if that was worse.
"So why did he show up again?" Finnick asked.
"Because I didn't believe him last time. I kept thinking that me seeing him was all in my head. He wanted to make sure what he said stuck this time,"
"What did he tell you that you didn't listen to?" Finnick asked. Peeta could feel his cheeks flush. That was private.
"It's kinda private," Peeta whispered.
"Well…you believe him this time?" Johanna asked. Peeta nodded his head. He absolutely believed Charles this time. "So, what changed. Why is this time different? You didn't think it was real last time. So, what makes him real this time?"
He knew for two reasons. He didn't want to share with them that Katniss' father showed him how she felt. That was private. But there was one other reason. He raised his sleeve on his shirt and showed them. There was already a bruise forming.
"What'd he do?" Haymitch asked and they all looked at his arm.
"He wanted to make sure that I knew he was real. So…he kinda punched my arm," Peeta said. Finnick started laughing while Johanna smiled and rolled her eyes.
"Are you sure? Charles Everdeen was one of the most docile human beings. I don't think he ever punched someone before," Haymitch said.
"You knew him?" Finnick asked. That was news to Peeta.
"Does Katniss know that?" Peeta asked. Haymitch shrugged.
"I doubt it. He was in the Hob all the time. Used to carry me home all the time to," Johanna laughed.
"Drunken lush," she joked. Peeta could see that.
"So, you knew Katniss then?" Finnick asked. Haymitch shook his head.
"I didn't know her name. But I'd seen his daughters. He used to bring Katniss to the Hob," Haymitch told them. Peeta was thankful for the distraction. But he knew it wouldn't last long. They'd circle back around to him. He didn't like this conversation anyway.
He knew it was coming back to him when the three became silent again. He looked down at his empty hands.
"So, it's your first episode with hearing voices…the first time is the scariest because you don't know what's happening. Unfortunately, they don't get less scary. But at least you know," Finnick said sadly.
"Are you hearing them right now?" Haymitch asked. Peeta let out a sigh of relief.
"No," he practically whimpered.
They sat in silence again. He was sure they had plenty of things to say to him. They were just treading lightly with him. He did just try and kill himself.
"Does everyone know?" Peeta asked. He couldn't look at their faces when he asked.
"The Victors do. They're the obvious ones that don't pass judgement, or even question it. They just do whatever they need to, to help the other one," Finnick told him.
"And my family," his voice cracked. The long silence answered that for him. His brothers, and worse, his father knew.
"Wheet and Ryee were helping look for you. And your father…we had to tell him. We couldn't lie to him," Haymitch said. He nodded his head.
There was so much he had never told his father. He knew that the Capitol had captured him. But he didn't know how long Peeta had been there. He didn't know about the torture or his hijacking. He didn't know that he tried to kill Katniss, and how he went to the Capitol with soldiers, even killing one of them. He never wanted his father to know that. There was so much that he didn't even want his brothers to know. But he figured, eventually that would find out. Maybe not all of it, but some parts.
"You…I won't…don't ever try to fucking kill yourself ever again," Haymitch choked out. He looked up him and saw him holding his head in his hands, leaning on his elbows. Finnick squeezed his shoulders. Haymitch whipped his head up.
"I've done nothing for four years but to try and keep you both alive. And you two just go and try and kill yourselves. She succeeded. You would have died right after that, if we didn't come back. Don't you think she would die if you killed yourself?" Haymitch demanded. Peeta's breathing became heavier, and his heart was racing. "Then I'll lose both of you. And you two idiots are my family. And I'll be damned if I lose you both," Haymitch covered his face.
"Just calm down Haymitch," Finnick said, patting his back. Peeta didn't know what to say. The feeling of shame just engulfed his entire body. He felt so selfish. Peeta knew, that if Haymitch lost him and Katniss…they were his kids. If he lost them…then that would be the final nail on Haymitch's coffin.
He felt so guilty. "Just relax. You've freaked him out now. And that wasn't the plan," Finnick reminded Haymitch. Haymitch just nodded his head.
"He doesn't…he's right. I was wrong," Peeta whispered.
"You weren't wrong. He's just upset about you and Katniss. He's pretty sober so he's super emotional," Johanna said. Peeta stared at her, and finally let himself think about the one thing, that he couldn't handle thinking about.
Katniss!
The things he said to her. She begged him to stay with her. She sobbed that he was leaving her. And he just left her there on the floor, in the closet. Sobbing and screaming. Oh god, the shame and guilt of what he had done. He rejected her. He made her episode worse.
"Where is she?" He choked out. He was shaking now.
"They had to sedate her. She was too…" Finnick trailed off. Peeta put his elbows on his knees and grabbed at his hair.
"What have I done?…I left her. She begged me to stay," he cried. Haymitch got up and sat next to him, pulling Peeta to him as he sobbed.
How could he do that? Why couldn't he have fought through that?
"I'm the one who hurt her. I wasn't ever supposed to hurt her," he started panicking. How could he do that to the person who meant more to him then his own life. He never had to step foot into the Quarter Quell arena. But he did. Even if she didn't feel the same way about him that he felt for her.
"You thought she loved Gale. You were trying to do the honorable thing. You can't control what you do when you hear voices Peeta. No one can. Especially when you've never experienced them. You have no idea what's happening to you. You're not responsible-"Peeta cut Finnick off.
"I am responsible. I'm the person who's never supposed to hurt her. I'm the person who's supposed to take care of her. I failed her. I caused her to break down- "
"No, you aren't. This breakdown was going to happen whether you started hearing voices or not. And it's still not your fault. It's fucking Snow's fault. He's the one who caused all this," Johanna snapped at him.
"I told her I was leaving her. I left her," Peeta sobbed.
"Well, it's less then what I did to Annie," Finnick said. Peeta looked at him. "You ask Annie what I've said to her when I was hearing voices. I told her she was too crazy for me to ever love," Finnick said.
Peeta gulped. Finnick smiled and chuckled uncomfortably, playing with his hands. "I told her the one thing that would break her," Finnick said sadly. Peeta bad done the one thing to break Katniss.
"I was having an episode, while she was having an episode. She…she tried to kill herself to," Peeta was in total shock. He never expected that from Finnick. He never knew that had happened.
"What happened?" Peeta whispered. Finnick looked right at him.
"Ron and Librae got to her first. Ron gave her something to make her go to sleep while they chased after me. Muscida and Mags had gone to my house when they heard me come from Annie's and came to me. Muscida hit me in the head with her cane really hard to slow me down, so they had time for Ron and Librae to get to me and stop me from…" he trailed off. Finnick had tried to kill himself to?
"Unfortunately, we've all been there," Johanna said bitterly. Peeta looked over at her. She shook her head and scoffed.
"What stopped you?" Peeta asked softly.
"Other Victors. It's always the other Victors," she said again, rolling her eyes.
"We take care of each other. We can make it. And we remind each other to never give Snow the satisfaction," Finnick told him.
"The next time you hear those voices you need to tell someone," Haymitch told him.
"We're always gonna help pull you out of it," Finnick promised him. Peeta nodded his head.
"I…I don't know if I can. It took over my whole body," Peeta admitted.
"We know. But you need to not be stubborn like Katniss and reach out the second that you hear it," Johanna told him. Haymitch reached over and Finnick and smacked her arm.
"She's not stubborn," Peeta said.
"It's Johanna that's stubborn," Finnick told him. Peeta nodded his head. He looked down again, not wanting them to see his face. He was so ashamed.
"How can I even face her?" He whispered.
"She's going to forgive you. She's going to understand once you tell her what happened. Because she knows all too well what it feels like," Haymitch said. Peeta looked up to him for assurance. "She's not even going to forgive you, because it's not about forgiveness," Peeta scoffed.
"Yes, it is. I hurt her so much. I was cruel and- "
"Shut up. You didn't know what was happening to you. You had no control of it. No one does," Johanna told him.
"You don't forgive her, do you?" Finnick asked, trying to make Peeta see reason. Peeta never forgave her because there was nothing to forgive. Her episodes were caused by Snow. All because of Snow. He was being hypocritical. He loved her through these episodes and didn't want her to feel guilty…but he wouldn't forgive himself for reacting the same way. He should have known better. He should have been stronger. He should have known what was happening to him and fought it. When did he become this person?
"Will you stop it?" Johanna demanded.
"You gotta understand that none of this was your fault. Your reactions were not your fault," Peeta just couldn't do that. Finnick let out a deep sigh and scratched the back of his head.
"I know it's much easier said than done. You can understand how the others are but when it's yourself…I get it Peeta. I really do. I get how hard it is to fight it off. To lean on someone when it happens. But I try my best to reach out to someone when the first signs of this start happening. And you'll learn how to do that to," Finnick assured him. He doubted that he was strong enough to do that. He started playing with the sheet again.
"I can't have them all the time like Katniss. I'll never be able to take care of her. And I can't have an episode when she has an episode,"
"Peeta you're basing these episodes on how Katniss is. She's been through more-you both have been through more than any other Victor. Everyone reacts different, and the number of times someone has an episode is different. You've lasted longer than any Victor to have an episode. All 74 of them," Haymitch said. Peeta just stared at him like he was crazy. That couldn't be true.
"Muscida knows everything about every Victor. She's like this Victor Encyclopedia and even though she was the 12th Victor, she knows everything about the 11th before her-minus the mysterious 10th Victor. And she can tell you how long it took each of us before we started hearing voices," Finnick told him.
"It's easier said than done. To forgive yourself, no matter how you feel about everyone else. How you understand and don't hold anything against them. How you truly believe nothing they say or do is their fault. But you won't accept it if yourself," Haymitch told him. Peeta nodded his head. He had pulled a lot more of the sheet into his hand, when Johanna couldn't take it anymore.
"Give me that," she snapped and snatched the sheet away from him and started pulling at the noose. "Get up, I'm gonna make the damn bed. That's what fucking sheets are for," Johanna pulled his shoulder until he was standing.
"Don't worry Johanna will make the bed,"
Charles said that. He was right. He knew she'd make the bed. Katniss' father knew everything. He was brought out of his thought before he could go further, when Haymitch squeezed his shoulders.
"Welcome to the, I hear voices in my head club. We're sad to have you join," Haymitch said. Before Peeta could say anything, Haymitch had pulled him tightly into a hug. Squeezing him hard.
Peeta felt drained. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. He couldn't fight Haymitch off if he tried. He didn't want Haymitch to hug him. Logically he knew that what everyone was saying was true, but he didn't really believe it. He didn't feel strong. He felt week. And he was embarrassed.
"You need to fight back and let us help you. Don't let it get to this point again. None of us want anything to happen to you," Finnick told him.
"Especially Katniss," Haymitch reminded him. Peeta pulled back tiredly.
"What am I supposed to do now? How do I fix this? I said the- "
"Stop getting all worked back up again!" Johanna snapped at him.
"There's nothing you can do for her now kid. She's sedated…" Haymitch trailed off and the three eyed each other.
"What?" He asked warily. Haymitch pulled a needle out of his pocket and Peeta's eye widened.
"We need you to get some sleep. Your body can't take anything else right now," Haymitch said. Peeta went to say something, but Haymitch stopped him. "I'm the one taking responsibility of you right now. And you need to relax. You need to get some sleep,"
Peeta shook his head in protest, and in desperate pleading. "Peeta, this isn't open for discussion," Haymitch said.
"It's nothing heavy," Finnick offered.
"I need to be there for Katniss," he said.
"Then you need to take this if you have any plans of taking care of her," Haymitch pointed out to him. He put his head down in defeat. Haymitch was right. And there was no way he could fight it. If he didn't comply, they'd just hold him down.
He nodded and Haymitch stuck the needle into his arm. It took a moment before he started feeling the effect, but Haymitch and Finnick steadied him as he waivered on his feet. Peeta felt pathetic as the two men helped him into bed. Tucking him in like a child. It was more humiliating as each second passed.
He was supposed to be a man. A man that was strong for Katniss. A man that was supposed to take care of her, provide for her, protect her. He was doing none of that. Only hurting her.
She was his last thought before his eyes closed.
When he woke up, he looked over at the clock and realized it was only morning. He felt physically exhausted. The pressure of the last few days had caught up with him. The depression he felt was worse than after he got saved from the Capitol.
When they came back to this time, and his mind was clear, and that was when he was able to process everything. He had been processing everything that happened since his name had been called. More so what happened in the Quell…and his time in the Capitol, because he never dealt with it. He never could grasp what happened because he had been hijacked, and his brain was so messed up. He couldn't piece his life together.
This depression was worse. He had never experienced one of Katniss' episodes, but he was experiencing the physical pain after having one. It made him love her even more, because he wasn't sure how he was supposed to get up right now…but she always did. How?
Before he could finish his thoughts, he heard someone sneeze and he realized he wasn't alone. He opened his eyes and saw his father sitting at his table.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up,"
Peeta didn't know what to say. His dad was here now?
He cleared his throat and slowly sat up. "What are you doing here?" He whispered, avoiding looking at his father. His dad pulled his chair over and sat by Peeta's bed.
"Everyone was really worried about you. Scared for you…Haymitch thought it might be a good idea if I came and talked with you for a while," his dad said. Peeta nodded and just looked down at his hands.
"I can't help but feel a bit sad knowing that Haymitch has been more of a father to you in just four years, than I did in 18 years," his dad said. Peeta looked up it him, eyes widened. "Haymitch knows you much better than I do," his father looked down at his own hands.
"Dad that's not true. Why would you think like that?" Peeta asked him, scooting to the other side of the bed.
"I didn't say that for a pity party…when you entered those Games," it took a moment for his father to find the words. "You became his son. You became my child that I couldn't protect anymore. That I couldn't take care of. That I couldn't raise," he whispered. Peeta was too stunned to speak.
"I remember Haymitch when we were kids. He became a completely different person when he came home. But he had no one. There was nothing that anyone could do for him in District 12, because there were no Victors. District 12 has taken care of Haymitch the best way we knew how…and I knew that the second your name was called, that if I had any hope of ever seeing you alive again, I had to give you to him to raise. Because it would be the only way that you'd make it," he heard his father sniff.
"I'm still your son," Peeta said strongly. His father chuckled and looked up at him.
"You're right. You're still my son. And you'll always be my son…but Haymitch understands and takes care of this man sitting in front of me, in a way that I never can…and I'm grateful for him…the Games…the war…it changed you," his dad wiped at a tear that threatened to fall down his face.
"I didn't recognize you when you got back from the Games the first time. It scared me. I felt like I stopped being your dad that day," he said sadly. His dad thought he wasn't his dad anymore? How could Peeta make him feel like that?
"I'm sorry," he whispered. God that was awful.
"No. Don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything to make me feel like this. I'm not angry at you or Haymitch. I'm thankful for him that he could be your father when I can't…I'm angry that the Capitol did this to you," he said. He had never heard his father's voice so heavy like this. So angry. He didn't have an angry bone in his body.
"I know that a lot happened…that I don't know about. The day we came back…" he locked eyes with Peeta. "Without anyone telling me. I knew. Something worse happened to you," he whispered. Peeta put his head down. He couldn't look at his dad anymore.
"I was never able to protect you. No parent has ever been able to protect their child in Panem…I've been thankful that Haymitch has always been able to protect you," he whispered. Why was his dad saying all this now? Where was he even going with this?
Peeta cleared his throat. "Dad- "
"Please don't take your own life," his dad choked out. Damnit Haymitch! How could he tell his dad what happened. "I know that I don't understand this new world that you're in. I can't help you in the way Haymitch can. But I can still be there for you. I watched my son almost die. But to actually watch him…Peeta I just can't," he whispered, not being able to say the words about watching Peeta kill himself. Peeta moved forward and he hugged his dad.
"I know thousands of parents have buried their children because of the Games…please don't let me be one of them," he whispered. He buried his face in his dad's neck.
His father had always been his best friend growing up. He always found comfort in their relationship. He was easy to talk to, and so kind. He would let Peeta rattle on for hours on end about Katniss. His father would tell him every time he saw Katniss, and he'd ask Peeta every day how she was.
"Did you talk to her today?"
"No," Peeta would put his head down.
"Well, that's ok. There's always tomorrow," he'd say.
He helped Peeta bake the perfect wedding cake and planned the perfect first date. He'd sit with Peeta for hours, coloring and talking. He never hid a secret from his dad…until he came back from the Games. He hid the fact that Katniss wasn't really in love with him. He hid the fact that they were actually in danger because of what they had done with the berries. He never told them that it was all a lie.
"I'm sorry dad," he whispered. His dad shook his head.
"You don't need to be sorry. I just need you to know that just because I don't understand this world, I can still take care of you. I can still be there for you if you need me," his dad said. Peeta pulled back and looked at him.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel- "
"Peeta. Stop. You never did anything wrong. I just want you to know you don't have to shield me from everything. You can let me in, and I can help you. It used to be so easy with us when we talked. Maybe it can't be like that for a lot of things now. But I can still just be there to support you when you need help," his father said. Peeta sat back and scrubbed his face.
"It's humiliating what happened this week," Peeta admitted softly. He went to put his head in his hands, but his dad shook his shoulder.
"No. Haymitch said no more pity. He's not gonna let you feel sorry for yourself. Because you're stronger than that. And I agree with him. What happened to you isn't humiliating," his dad said that. He knew his dad was right. Everyone was right. He didn't find anyone embarrassing when they were struggling, and he was the first one there to offer his support…but it was different when it was him that needed everyone to talk him down from the ledge.
"I know you're right," he said sullenly. Peeta's dad patted his knee.
"You can tell me anything you know," his dad said. Peeta looked up at him. "I just can't lose you," he whispered. Peeta nodded his head, and he wiped his nose.
"You won't dad. I'm ok now…it just hit me. I've never had an episode like that. And it just took over me. I won't let it get that bad again," Peeta told him.
"Even if it does happen again, it's ok. Everyone will be here for you," he smiled at his dad. "I really miss those days that you'd be baking with me, and tell me what Katniss was wearing that day, and if she had to get up and talk at school," his dad said, making him laugh.
"I miss those days, and I want to hear all about this Katniss that you know now," he leaned forward and hugged his dad again.
"I will. I promise,"
It was hard hearing his dad get choked up. And it was even worse having his dad know that just yesterday, he tried to kill himself.
He took a shower to try and wash the past few days off of him. This was clearly one of the best things he could do for Katniss, because the water really did help wake him up.
Once he got dressed, he knew there was nothing else to do but go to the infirmary to see Katniss. He couldn't procrastinate anymore. He walked slowly to the infirmary, and the nurse told him which room she was in. He walked in and saw Cinna and Rue sitting in chairs, softly laughing at whatever Cinna was drawing.
"Hey," he spoke softly. They turned their heads up and smiled at him.
"Hi Peeta," Rue said.
"How are you feeling?" Cinna asked. Peeta nodded his head and shut the door behind him.
"A lot better," he said sheepishly. He cleared his throat and looked at Rue. "I'm sorry for yesterday," he told her. She shook her head.
"It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you and Katniss are ok," Rue told him. He sat down in the closest chair by the wall, away from the bed. He couldn't bear to look at her. He didn't want to look at her. He knew yesterday how terrible she looked. He could only imagine her now. God, he told her he was leaving her. He just left her there screaming in the room, begging for him to stay. How could he do that to her? He thought he would never hurt her. He loved her so much that there was no way he could ever hurt her. But he did. He hoped this was one of those times where she would forget what he did to her. That she was just too exhausted to even remember that he left her.
"Peeta you just gotta breathe ok," he hadn't realized that he was grabbing at his chest and breathing hard. His chest hurt again. "It's just a panic attack, ok?" Cinna said.
When had Cinna knelt down in front of him? Oh God, were his voices starting back up again? Was he going to start believing that Katniss loved Gale again?
"You're ok Peeta. I just need you to breathe. Just relax," Cinna said. He waited a few minutes before his breathing slowed down. "That's it. Just in and out,"
"What's wrong with me," he asked as he buried his head in his hands. Cinna patted his knee.
"You're gonna be ok. Once she wakes up and you've had a chance to talk, you'll start feeling better," Cinna told him. He nodded his head. He looked back up and realized Rue was gone. He needed to get a grip. He needed to get a hold of himself. He was better than this. He was stronger than this.
He cleared his throat and nodded his head. "I'm ok," Cinna smiled at him and patted his knee and then stood up.
"I know you are. We all know you are," he told him as he walked back to the opposite wall and grabbed his sketch pad. "I'm gonna let you have some time with her. You need it," Cinna said. Peeta gulped.
"She should wake up any time from the meds. But she'll probably sleep the day away," Cinna said. Peeta knew that. Would she let him get her into the bathtub when she woke up?
He sat there for a while just looking at his feet. He felt ashamed by his behavior. He knew logically he shouldn't because this is what happens to Victors. But he never thought he would be the one to crack, and in his own delusional mind, leave Katniss.
He broke her heart. She begged him to stay. She was on her knees, begging him not to leave her, and he did. He left her. He never in his wildest dreams though that he would hurt her like that. Would she forgive him? How could she forgive him? What he did would break her. She was beyond fragile, and now he just crushed her. There was going to be no coming back from this.
He didn't know how long he was sitting there, but enough was enough. He had to man up and not be some stupid coward. He had to face her. So, he picked up his chair and brought it right up to her bed.
He could see her hand, and it was in a restraint. He guessed Coin did end up getting what she wanted. Katniss was restrained. His eyes traveled up her arm…and then to her face.
Tears sprung to his eyes. It was the worst he had ever seen her. He shook his head as the image of Katniss covered in her own blood from when she killed herself.
His hands shook as he took her hand. Normally he would just take those things off, but he was worried about her. He was afraid she'd try and kill herself again.
"I'm so sorry Katniss," he whispered and squeezed her hand. "I swear I'll make this up to you. I promise," he told her.
She hadn't even flinched all day. Peeta was exhausted. He still was just so mentally, emotionally, and physically just done for. He couldn't shake it. He knew that he wouldn't until he knew Katniss was ok.
It was a little bit before midnight when he felt her bed move a little. He had leaned back in his recliner but kept his hand on hers. He had been holding it all day. He shook his head and sat up. Katniss was waking up.
"Katniss," he breathed and pulled his chair closer to her. Katniss turned her head to look at him, squinting her eyes. He smiled and pushed some hair out of her eyes and caressed her face. "It's so good to see you awake," he told her.
She looked at him oddly and then looked around. She was trying to figure out where she was and then looked at him. Confusion stretched across her face.
"You're in the infirmary," he told her. He watched her eyes carefully, and then saw the moment she remembered what happened. The fear on her face nearly stopped his heart right then. She tried to yank her hand away but then realized that she couldn't, because her hands were restrained. She didn't want him to touch her.
"No," she cried softly. A tear already ran down her cheek.
"Katniss please listen to me. I am so unbelievably sorry for what I said. I feel so ashamed for what I did to you, and you have no idea how terrible…" he choked on his words. He had to be honest with her. She was devastated. She looked like the day he held her in his arms as she took her last breath. He covered his face and let a sob escape his throat.
"I was hearing voices," he cried. "I could hear Snow's voice. It was so strong," he cried. He didn't want to look at her. But he had to stop being a coward and face her like a man. So, he made himself look at her. She was crying but wasn't moving. Silent tears just fell down her face.
"I've been dying inside because I haven't been able to help you. You're just deteriorating right in front of me. My whole life is dedicated to taking care of you, and I'm failing you…and those voices knew it. It used all my fears and insecurities against me. I just fell and listened- "he choked again.
"I thought Gale was the only person that could help you," he whispered. Her face was unreadable. It hadn't changed from devastation.
"I thought you loved him. And I needed to step aside because all I want is for you to get better…and I would leave for you. So, you could get better," he whispered softly. He scrubbed at his face.
"I let them convince me. They had everything twisted in my head. I thought me leaving you was the best thing for you. Katniss please. I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you more than anything or anyone in this world. My heart is broken because you're hurting. And my heart is broken because I'm the one that hurt you," he wiped his tears away.
"Katniss please forgive me. I promise I won't do this again. I'll fight through my episode for you. I'll always take care of you. I promise I'll never hurt you again. Please," he begged her.
They sat staring at each other for a minute before she looked down at her hands and shook them. She wanted him to let her hands free. He nodded his head and leaned over and took them both off. Katniss just stared at him.
"I'm so sorry that I hurt you Katniss. Please forgive me," he whispered.
She closed her eyes and turned on her side, facing away from him. He let out a sob. She wouldn't forgive him. She couldn't trust him again. He knew that. He had betrayed her trust in him, and he didn't know if she'd ever give it back.
She was in the middle of the bed, but she pulled herself to the edge. Was she making room for him? Or was she trying to get as far away from him as possible. He gulped. He slowly leaned forward and rested his hand on her arm, and she didn't flinch. He tentatively stood up and took his shoes off. He pulled down his jeans and slowly got into her bed. Getting under the covers and stretching out his body behind hers. She still hadn't moved.
He rested his hand on her arm and slowly moved it down to her hip. She was letting him touch her, that was a good sign. He wrapped his arm fully around her and before he knew it, she had grabbed his hand tightly and held it against her chest and started sobbing. Really sobbing. He squeezed her to him and kissed her neck.
"Please don't cry Katniss. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he kissed her cheek and her ear. "I'll make this up to you. I'll prove to you that I won't ever hurt you again. Just forgive me, please," he begged her. But all she did was cry. He just held her tightly to his chest. Comforting her, soothing her until she fell asleep. She didn't stir the whole night.
When he did wake up the next morning, he realized that neither of them had moved. They had stayed still as statues the entire night. He pulled her closer to him. She hadn't had a shower, in probably more than a week. He'd have to get her out of here. She needed to get out of here, and she needed to get better. And he needed to get her out of here before Coin demanded that she stay.
He ran his hand up and down her arm. "Katniss," he whispered in her ear. He shook her shoulder softly. "Katniss, I need you to wake up,"
She moaned softly, trying to stay asleep, but he shook her a little more. "Katniss, we have to get out of here before they come in to check on you," he whispered. Katniss opened her eyes and looked around. He helped her sit up and then he pulled his jeans and shoes on. He looked and saw that the clothes that were on the dresser were the clothes she came in with.
He turned her sideways and helped pull on her jeans, and then took the hospital gown off. She shivered as the cold air hit her naked body. He put her shirt back on and kissed the top of her head.
"Come on let's get out of here before they check on you," he said and helped her up and walked her to the door. He opened it and peaked his head out. "Alright let's go. No one's out here,"
He kept his arm around her shoulders to guide her, and his other hand, held her arm. He cautiously looked around corners to make sure no one would see them. He finally made it safely back to their compartment with no one noticing them.
He pulled her inside and saw two lumps in Johanna's bed. He sat Katniss down and grabbed her clean clothes. He pulled her pants down and shimmied new ones on, and then switched her shirt. He helped her get under the covers before Johanna sat up.
"Is she ok?" Johanna whispered. Peeta turned to look at her as he kicked off his socks and shoes and started pulling his pants down.
"Yes. She's gonna be fine," he whispered back as he crawled into bed and pulled her to him. Her face buried in his neck.
He was relieved that she let him into her bed. He felt like he couldn't call it their bed anymore. He had lost that right. But he would have been devastated if she didn't. It would feel worse when he finally realized after the first Games that she had faked everything. The rejection killed him, but he knew had she rejected him last night, that it would feel worse. It would be worse because this time it would be his fault. His own doing. And he'd have no one to blame but himself.
By the time they woke back up it was early afternoon, and there was no sign of Johanna. He stretched his body, and it shook Katniss awake. She opened her eyes, and he gave her a sad smile.
"Hi," he whispered. He tucked some hair behind her ear. "Are you doing ok?" He asked. She sucked in her bottom lip.
"I don't know," she answered honestly. He let out a long, deep sigh.
"Do you remember what I told you last night?" He asked her. She hesitated a moment before she nodded her head.
"Do you…remember what happened?" He asked. She nodded her head and he closed his eyes. He wished she had forgotten. Why couldn't this be one of those times that she forgot? He pulled her to him, and she tucked her head under his chin. He kissed the top of her head.
"I'm so sorry Katniss. I'll do anything to make it up to you. Please just trust me again. Please just forgive me," he breathed sadly. He couldn't speak his words any louder.
Katniss pulled away and looked at him. She studied his face as he studied hers. He could tell she was still so foggy. Her face was unreadable. Was she angry? Was she sad? He couldn't tell. It was one of the rare times he couldn't read her. And it absolutely killed him. Would she ever trust him again? Trust him to take care of her. To protect her. To love her…to never leave her.
"Can I take a shower?" She whispered. He gulped. She didn't want him to give her a bath. He could feel the panic in his stomach and his skin burned. He cleared his throat and nodded his head. He stood to let her get up and go to the bathroom. He heard the shower running a few minutes later.
He sat down on the bed with his head in his hands, leaning his elbows on his knees…defeated. How would he convince her that he'd never leave her? That it was only his own insecurities that came out during his episode. Like hers always did. Her terrible, gut-wrenching guilt for losing his leg last time. Her guilt over leaving him, ignoring him, and choosing Gale. Her guilt for pushing him away and leaving him all alone. For never telling him she really did love him. For getting captured by the Capitol and being hijacked and leaving him again…for killing herself.
He didn't know how long she took, but he was so deep in his own misery that he flinched when he felt the dip in their bed. She sat down next to him and waited a while.
"The shower woke me up more. I just needed a minute to think," she whispered. She was so hoarse when she spoke, he realized. She had whispered everything, so he didn't know that she could barely speak. It had to be from all the sobbing. And screaming.
"I really did think you were giving up on me," she told him and cleared her throat. He could hear the pain. "I didn't know you were having an episode. I couldn't think straight. Snow was laughing and telling me you were getting revenge for treating you terribly for so long. That you blamed me for getting captured and tortured. He laughed so loudly I couldn't even hear my screams," she let out a harsh breath.
"Katniss I'm so sorry. Please let me-"she finally looked up and shook her head.
"I don't want to ever hear you say you're sorry again," he gulped.
"I don't want to hear you ask me to trust you or to forgive you," he let a tear escape his eyes and she cupped his cheek and wiped his tear with her thumb. "I can't forgive you if there's nothing to forgive,"
His eyes widened and she brought her hand back into her lap. "I trust you with everything. I trust you to protect me and take care of me. I trust you with my life. I could never be angry with you for…I'm not angry for you leaving me. I'm angry that Snow made you believe that I loved Gale. I'm angry because I never wanted you to have an episode," she cried and wiped her face.
"I believe everything Snow says in my head…" she trailed off and cupped his face in her hands. "I will always take care of you during an episode. I will never be angry or hurt for anything that you say to me," he let out a sob and hugged her tightly and buried his face in her hair.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there," she whispered to him. He shook his head, but he couldn't speak. He was so relieved she was ok. It killed him that he hurt her…but she wasn't hurt. She wasn't angry at him. She was angry for him.
He had never felt so loved in his life. This woman surprised him every day. "You're stronger than you know," Peeta whispered. Katniss pulled back. Surprised by his comment.
"I'm not strong. I'm crumbling more and more every day. I get weaker and weaker," she whispered, looking down at her hands. But he took her hands in his and she looked up at him.
"We're both crumbling. But you're strong because you haven't given in yet,"
"Neither have you,"
"I can't. Not when I have you," he told her. She wrapped her arms around his neck again. He started to feel some of the tension leave his body. The past week and a half had been so terrible for him. For her. But feeling her body next to his, feeling her in his arms…he could get through this. He could do this because he had her. She was his.
He coaxed her to lay back down with him and he pulled her against his body, facing each other. He cupped her face and ran his fingers through her hair. He wanted to tell her he was sorry again. That he was angry at himself for believing the voices in his head. He was angry that he hurt her, that he caused her pain and that she needed to be sedated because of him…how angry he was that he almost took his own life.
He would be so upset if Katniss had said any of that right now about herself, so he couldn't be hypocritical and say these things to upset her. He didn't want to ruin this peaceful moment.
He couldn't stop touching her. She hadn't let him touch her in almost two weeks. He just needed to feel her. He started giving her lazy kisses on her lips. Sliding his tongue against hers.
"Let's just spend the rest of the day hidden away in this room. Just in our own little bubble for the day," he whispered.
"The rest of the world doesn't exist in here," she agreed. He smiled and pulled her into his chest.
They had dozed on and off that day and he smiled when he woke up and saw their dinner trays had been left for them. Peeta hadn't even heard anyone come in. They had eaten their dinner, and then fell back into a dreamless sleep. No nightmares.
By the next morning they were both more alert and knew that they had to go down to the cafeteria to get their own food instead of waiting for someone to bring it to them.
It was surprisingly bare, but then he realized that it was the first shift for breakfast. The only ones who were there, and sat with them were Peeta's father, Prim and Katniss' mother.
"How are you both feeling?" Prim asked cheerily. Katniss and Peeta's eyes met, and both shared a smile. Prim's calming presence always made Katniss feel better. "Are you feeling better?"
Katniss smiled at Prim, and she nudged her little sister. "Yes," she whispered.
"A lot better," Peeta agreed. Their parents smiled as well. Peeta's father clapped him on the back and her mom gave Katniss' shoulders a squeeze.
"Well, I'm happy to see you both back to your happy, smiling faces," Breeoshe said. Katniss blushed.
"Katniss doesn't ever look happy or smile. Who exactly have you been looking at?" Ryee asked as he plopped himself down without a care in the world. Katniss glared at him, and he laughed.
"See. She's always making that face. She's always scowling," Ryee said. Peeta elbowed him.
"What? It's not an insult. I'm happy to see her scowling face. It means she's back to normal," Ryee told them.
Peeta father shook his head and put his head down. Her mother awkwardly fidgeted and concentrated on her tray of food, like it was the best thing she'd ever eaten. Prim on the other hand put her hand over her mouth and looked down, trying not to smile.
Peeta glared at him. Ryee went to defend himself some more, but Peeta put his hand up. "Just…stop talking Ryee,"
Ryee looked back and forth apologetically. Katniss didn't understand how Peeta, and his brothers were all so different. Wheet and Peeta had so many similar traits. Except Wheet never liked to talk. He was shy, and his depression got the best him some days, that he actually would spend a few days in bed when it got too much for him. It had been less frequent in District 13, but none the less, he still had them. His words were not perfect like Peeta's. They wouldn't move a nation, but they were calmer and at least thought out.
Ryee was just the polar opposite by saying all the wrong things, at the wrong times. He was loud and obnoxious. He constantly laughed and made jokes, played jokes. Never understood people's feelings on a lot of things…but Katniss actually adored him. He was an idiot, but she loved him.
It was silent for a few minutes before Peeta's father broke the silence by talking about what was on the menu for lunch and dinner that day. After that, conversation flowed easier.
When they got back to their compartment, Haymitch was waiting for them. "Is everything ok?" Peeta asked, paranoid that something else was wrong.
"Everything is fine. Let's go sit down," Haymitch said. He followed them into their compartment and the three of them sat at the table. Peeta prayed that it wasn't something that would set Katniss off into another episode…or him. That was a thought that he wanted no part of.
Katniss instantly started to worry, and Peeta put his hand on her leg to get it to stop bouncing.
"Stop freaking out. This isn't anything bad," Haymitch told her. Katniss would wait until she heard what it was to decide if she should be freaking out or not.
"I've made a decision for the two of you," he told them. Katniss and Peeta looked at each other.
"You did what?" Peeta asked?
"You two are my responsibility. You have been since the moment Prim and Peeta's names were pulled out. You two have been mine to take care of. Doesn't matter if we're in the Games," he told them. It touched Peeta to hear him say that.
To feel that way about them.
"You guys need a break. You need to get out of this tomb of gloom," he looked at Katniss. "And you need plenty of fresh air. You need to see the sun. And you need to walk around and go hunt whatever you see,"
Katniss looked sad, and he reached over and ran his hand up and down her back. She missed the woods. It was who Katniss was. Sure, she was many things, but being in the woods was where she went to relax. Hunting for her, was like Peeta baking or painting. It's what she did to escape the world around her. Being a hunter was one of the biggest parts of her identity. Being in the woods was one of her homes.
"So, both of you are heading out to District 2 for a few weeks," he told them.
"What?" Katniss asked.
"So, they're just letting us go to 2? Just like that?" Peeta aske. Haymitch nodded his head.
"I'm sure Coin doesn't like that," Katniss hissed. Peeta smiled at that. He missed this side of Katniss. Stubborn and snarkyness. He didn't care. It was normal.
"It doesn't matter what Coin wants. You went there last time for a few days. I got you out there for two weeks. So, she can suck a dick for all I care," Peeta raised his eyebrows, and Katniss just smiled.
"When do we leave?" Peeta smiled at her. It made him feel better that she was looking forward to something.
"I got something else for you. For both of you," Haymitch said and pulled out a pill bottle. "You can share those. It's for your blood pressure," Haymitch said. They just eyed him.
"It's not gonna help with an episode or anything. But your mom was worried. Last couple of times you were checked out your blood pressures have been sky high. You can get some more when you come back to 13,"
Peeta was more than happy to leave District 13. Haymitch was right, he and Katniss needed this. More so Katniss. They got to get away from all the madness about the war. Sure, it was still going on, but they got to put that on hold for a little while. They had to shoot a couple of propos. To encourage Panem to keep fighting. To keep holding onto hope that everything will be ok. They will succeed in getting their freedom. But it was what the fresh air did for Katniss was what made him truly happy.
She got to go into the forest a little way in and hunt. He was freaked out that she was going by herself, but they assured him that she was ok. She wasn't going far. But Peeta watched after a couple of days her shoulders loosen up, from being tense all the time. They had only been in District 2 for four days so far, but it was the best four days they could ask for.
They were sleeping outside in tents, which Peeta wasn't a fan of. But it was the fresh air that was helping Katniss. So, he'd suffer through sleeping on an air mattress and sleeping bag. Katniss had taken a shower shortly after they ate dinner, and Peeta went about an hour later, after helping the clean-up crew. When he got back to their tent, he didn't see her and looked around.
They had placed their tent away from the other tents just to get an extra bit of privacy. They chose their spot near the edge of a hill. He looked around and saw her sitting down a little way down the hill. He followed after her and sat next to her.
"You doing ok?" He asked her. She nodded her head as she was watching the sunset. He looked at it as well. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
"We need to watch more sunsets together like this," he told her and looked over to her. She smiled softly and he leaned in and kissed her cheek. "See how many Districts we can watch a sunset together," he told her. Her smile fell and she looked serious again.
He knew why she did that. He had figured this out a while ago. "You don't like to think of the future," she didn't say anything. She didn't have to.
Katniss couldn't see past closing herself off after the war. She couldn't see the changed future that they were creating. She couldn't see past Prim dying. He knew she didn't believe it. She never wanted to talk about Finnick meeting his son. She couldn't see Prim going home with her, so she refused to talk about Prim's future. She didn't believe it would happen.
He wrapped his arm around her, caressing her waist, and kissed her shoulder. He saw the beginning of her eyes tearing.
"I wish you could find something to hope for. Just one thing to hold onto," he whispered to her. She shook her head. If he wasn't sitting next to her, he wouldn't have noticed. It broke his heart how lost she was.
"Well, you can think about the first thing I always hope for. It's my favorite, and whenever I feel hopeless, I think about it, and it lifts my spirits. It reminds me that we're almost done, and closer to that moment,"
"What is it?" She whispered. He leaned in a little closer.
"I dream about you walking into our home for the first time. Having it not be just mine anymore," he told her and kissed her cheek.
"I dream about taking you upstairs to our bedroom," he kissed her neck.
"I see red rose petals all over our bed," he leaned closely to her ear.
"I dream about laying you down, and making love to you in our bed," he whispered, causing her to look down and visibly shiver. He loved when she did that, and he smiled. He brushed her hair back from her face.
"I hold onto starting a life with you. A beautiful life. One where you can heal and start to find happiness…with me," he told her. She looked down at her hands, and she just stared down at her lap for a moment before she shook her head.
"Why can't you just leave me," she cried and covered her face with her hands. Well, he didn't expect that reaction. His heart just stopped. Why did she say that? That tore his soul to even imagine finding someone else.
"Katniss I could never leave you. Why would you even say that?" It killed him a little bit more each time he said something to her, and she rejected it. He didn't want that insecurity to come up, but it always did. It was always gonna be in the back of his head. Was he ever really going to be enough for her?
"Because of my episodes. They're so bad," she cried. He put his hand on her shoulder to pull her to his chest, but she wouldn't budge.
"I get it. That episode…it knocked me out. It's only been a few days and I'm still feeling it. But look at you. I knew they were awful Katniss, but feeling it is so different. You bounce back-"she whipped her head back.
"I don't bounce back. I'm just here. Being forced to deal with nightmares and not knowing where I am and voices in my head. I've never bounced back," she cried angrily. She was trying to push him away, but he wouldn't take the bait. He's never given up so easily. Not when it comes to her. He'd never let her go. No matter what the voices in his head told him to do. He'd always find his way back to her.
"Katniss stop it ok. I'm not going anywhere. So, you may as well save your breath," he put his hands on her cheeks and leaned in and softly kissed her lips. He kissed away her tears and laid his forehead against hers.
"I'm so broken Peeta," she whispered.
"I love every broken piece of you Katniss," he picked his head up and brushed away another tear with the pad of his thumb. "I promise I'll love every broken piece of you for the rest of my life," he told her and smiled at her. She closed her eyes and leaned into him, burying her face in his neck.
They stayed like that for a little bit, just watching the sun go down. "Come on. Let me get you to bed," Peeta kissed the top of her head and stood up, holding his hand out for her.
"Don't you mean a sleeping bag?" She grumbled as she stood up. He smiled at her as he pushed her up the hill. He must be the only man in the world to say that hearing someone complain was music to his ears. That listening to the love of their life, is a wonderful sound.
"Yeah well, it beats sleeping in a cave with a sword wound in your leg," Peeta said. Katniss turned her head and glared at him. "I'm kidding," he said, raising his hands in surrender.
They got into their tent and started changing their clothes. Her back was to him, and he watched as she slowly took her shirt off. He was starting to see her ribs. She never ate enough. He knew she tried. But her depression made it difficult for her to stomach anything. District 13's terrible food didn't help either. He let out a deep sigh. He was failing her.
The first night that they got to District 2, he had zipped their sleeping bags together. The closeness of sharing a bed with her had always made him happy. But there was something about being this close in a sleeping bag that made it different. He hated the Games, but it brought back memories of the first time he had been this close to a girl. To a woman. To Katniss. To the love of his life. He felt like a man. Even while he was dying.
But when Katniss got in tonight, she turned her back to him and tried to put as much space between them as possible. He let out a deep sigh and put his hand on her waist.
"Come here," he said, and gently started pulling her back towards him, but she wouldn't move. "Don't do that. Stop pushing me away. I'm not going anywhere," he said and moved closer and wrapped more of his arm around to get a better grip and pulled her close to his body. He tucked his knees behind her. Their bodies just fit together so well. Like puzzle pieces. How could she think that he could find some other girl to be with.
"Don't push me away," he whispered and kissed her neck. "I love you too much," he whispered into her and sucked just below her neck, causing her to gasp. He pulled her tighter to him and moved his hand under her shirt. Her stomach twitched from the contact.
She moved her neck to give him better access and let out a long sigh. He smiled against her neck and turned her slightly towards him. He placed his hand on her cheek and turned her face to him to kiss her lips. Tugging lightly at her bottom lip.
"Mmmm'" she moaned softly into his mouth, and he took that opportunity to push his tongue inside, brushing against hers.
"Let me make you forget," he whispered against her mouth. His hand roamed higher until he cupped her breast under her shirt. She moaned and arched her back. He started kissing her jaw, up to her hair again. Leaving scorching kisses all over her neck.
"Let me make you feel good. I haven't made you feel good in what seems like forever," he told her and made her lie on her back.
"Can I make you feel good Katniss?" He asked her as he pinched her nipple.
"Yesss," she hissed, pushing her chest into his hand. He moved more on top of her and lifted her shirt and buried his face in her breasts.
She gasped loudly and latched onto his blonde curls to keep him locked in place. Pulling slightly at his hair. It felt glorious. "Peeta," she gasped loudly.
He flicked one of her nipples until it became a hard little bud to lavish with his tongue, while he palmed her other breast, kneading it. Leaning further down to suckle on her nipple, causing the most delightful noises to coax out of her.
He pushed himself away sit on his heels. He reached back and pulled his shirt over his head. He smiled as he watched her lick her lips and he felt himself harden even more. He pulled her to sit up and helped her remove her shirt, and reached behind her to unsnap her bra, and bring it down her arms. He removed their pants and put her legs on his hips and laid down on top of her again, thrusting his hips into her, making her arch back and moan. God, would she ever understand what her moaning did to him? What her groaning, and whimpering did to him? Pretty much any noise that escaped her mouth while he was pleasuring her made his stomach do flip flops.
Being with Katniss, holding her in his arms. Hearing her moans and sighs, this is what he wanted for the rest of his life.
"God Katniss. I wanna be with you so bad," he moaned as he ground his hips against hers. He ground his hardness against her core. He could feel the heat pulsating from her body. He had to touch her!
He reached down and pushed his hands under her panties and slipped a finger between her folds. He laid his head by her ear and groaned. "God you're so wet. I love how you always get so wet for me," he whispered, causing her to let out her own moan.
He found that little bundle of nerves and rubbed it in circles, just the way he knew she liked. He felt her spread her legs wider and threw her leg over his hip. He took that opportunity to shift his hips and then attack her mouth with his.
He wanted this war to be over. He wanted to be at home. In District 12. In his bed. In THEIR bed. He wanted to take her clothes off and finally see all her. Finally see all of Katniss. He wanted to be inside of her. He wanted to make love to her. Just the thought of being inside her made him jerk his hips and bite her neck, causing her to hiss.
He picked his head up and hovered above her, stopping his movements. He stared down at her, into her beautiful gray eyes. The eyes that he'd stop breathing for. The eyes that belonged to the love of his life.
She looked beautiful right now. He gulped. "What's wrong?" She whispered. He smiled down at her and pushed some hair off her face.
"I just have to remind myself sometimes that you're here…and that you're mine," he whispered and kissed her lips. "You're all mine," he whispered and pressed his hips into hers.
He wrapped both of her legs around his waist and bit her ear. "Keep your legs locked around me," he whispered. She nodded her head and hooked her ankles together and he ground his hips down in hers. He started rocking against her.
"God Katniss. I can't wait till I'm inside of you," he told her, making her body shake. "It's all I can think about some times,"
They rocked together in a frenzy until both of them were finding their release. They hadn't done that in a while.
He pulled her close to him and kissed her lazily on her forehead, her cheeks, her nose…her lips. "I count down the days to when me and you can lay in bed all day and make love. That's what I think about Katniss. If you can't hold onto that, just hold onto me. I'll get you through this, I promise," he felt her arms tighten around his waist.
The next day they were woken up early by Boggs. The hovercrafts from 13 had left earlier to avoid a storm. Peeta and Katniss hurriedly got dressed and rushed off to grab some breakfast and run off to the field to wait for everyone. Peeta reached over and brushed some hair off Katniss' shoulders.
"You finally got some sleep last night. No nightmares," he told her. She turned slightly to smile at him, and then leaned into his body.
"I slept through the night. Thank you," she said. He smiled and kissed the top of her head. "I'll just have to make sure to give you orgasms more often," the words barely left his mouth when she pulled back with wide eyes and smacked him, shushing him. She looked around to see if anyone was close enough to hear. Luckily no one was able to pick up his soft voice.
"Shut up," she hissed. He smiled at her embarrassment as her whole face had turned pink. She was still so innocent. Still so pure. He was so thankful that the Capitol never took that away from her. They still had so much to enjoy in their intimate life. So much more to explore. He still hadn't seen her fully, without clothes on. He longed to see her and kiss down her body and between her legs, and worship her with his tongue and fingers. And he mostly desired to make love to her. To be inside her.
He couldn't stand here and get turned on. He wanted to take her back to their tent and ravish her. He looked back over at her, and she was still blushing. He laughed and wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek.
"What if someone heard you," she hissed at him, glaring. He tried to hold in his chuckle, and she scowled harder and hit his arm again. He couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. "Stop laughing," she demanded.
"I'm sorry. But I love your scowl," he laughed. She huffed and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms and looking away from him. Peeta laughed again and kissed her cheek.
The hovercrafts touched down, and Peeta and Katniss waited for everyone to get off. Johanna came sauntering out. "Arg, I've completely missed my old timer roommates," Johanna said hugged them, making them laugh. "It's no fun being naked without you two trying to avoid looking at me. I'm just walking around naked with no audience," Johanna told them as Katniss rolled her eyes.
"I'm sure Ryee enjoys it," Katniss said. She waved her hand and scoffed. Katniss smiled as she saw Peeta's look of disgust on his face.
"Oh, he's been all gung-ho on training the past couple of weeks. He hasn't even slept over. He's been crashing in his own bed, totally exhausted. And not from fucking all night,"
"God Johanna can we not talk about your sex life with my brother?" making the girls laugh. He wanted nothing to do with her sex stories about Ryee. What they did was their own business. He just wished that Johanna wasn't always so forthcoming with her private life.
"I wanna hear all about it. Speak slowly and enunciate," Katniss said, laughing when Peeta yanked her to him and tickled her ribs quickly.
"Well, I haven't heard that laugh in a while," Finnick said as he and Haymitch came over and he kissed her cheek. Haymitch leaned forward and hugged her.
"How ya doing sweetheart?" he asked her. Katniss nodded her head.
"She's doing good," Peeta said, encouraging her. Peeta would always be there to support her. It was what she loved about him. The way he cared for her. She didn't realize when they first went into the Hunger Games together, how she needed someone. Not like a sister, or a friend…as a soulmate. She never knew she needed that kind of companionship. That touch that made her skin tingle. Holding her to comfort her or holding her just because. To be kissed. To be loved on.
Katniss had been so lost in thought, that she didn't even realize that they had walked to meet Lyme, and that Madge was standing in front of her.
"Hello, earth to Katniss," Madge said as she waved her hand in front of her face. Katniss shook her head and noticed Madge's face. She turned and looked at Peeta and cringed when she saw the worried look in his face.
"I'm sorry. I was just lost in thought. That's all," she said and squeezed his hand to reassure him. He smiled softly.
"We've really missed you guys. Prim especially. She told me to give you a hug when I saw you," Madge said and hugged her tightly.
"How's she doing?" Katniss asked. She missed Prim so much. Sometimes though, it was so hard being around her. So many of her nightmares consisted of Prim's death. Over and over. On instant replay. She couldn't get rid of the mental image. She knew it would never go away. And Katniss feared that the closer that they go to the end of the war, that Prim would still somehow get caught in Coin, or even this time Snow's trap, and still die.
She gulped. If it happened again, then this time Katniss would succeed in killing herself. She couldn't relive that again. She couldn't handle-
"Katniss!" she heard Peeta shout. Katniss snapped out of her thoughts. Her breathing was heavy.
"I'm sorry," she said and rubbed her face. "I'm sorry. I'm fine. I'm right here," Katniss said. She shook off Peeta's hands on her shoulders and rotated her neck. She shook her arms around, willing her body out of thinking about Prim.
"I'm fine. I'm just tired. And I want all of this to be over with," Katniss said. Peeta reached around her and rubbed her back.
"I know. Me to," Peeta said and kissed her temple.
"We all do," Madge said and squeezed her hand. Katniss loved Madge so much. Her death was also hard on her. She was thankful to still have her friend here.
"I didn't know you were coming," Katniss said as the three of them started walking again. Madge smiled sheepishly.
"I wasn't really supposed to. But Boggs likes me. So, I asked, and he said yes,"
"He's going soft," Katniss chuckled. They stopped when she did, and Katniss just stared at everyone getting set up at the table. "I just can't wait for this to all be over," she said grimly.
"We just have to get through this stupid meeting with Coin, and then discuss what we're really going to do," Peeta said as Haymitch walked back up to them.
"We're going to, "bomb the Nut," Haymitch said, using his fingers as quotation marks. "We really are going to. But this time, everyone in the Nut is being given fair warning. We're not looking to kill anyone. Everyone's survival is our top priority," Haymitch said, and smiled at Katniss. Innocent people died the last time. They knew how much it meant to her, to save them. To not be like the Capitol. Killing machines.
"What are we gonna do about all the extra people. There's too many Capitol loyalists in there that will come rushing out," Madge asked.
"We already have all that covered. We gave enough rebels this time to secure the loyalists. Even take them and contain them at all the exits. All the other entrances will have the majority of the people inside. We have it rigged to cut off a huge portion of the Nut, so only a train full will be able to exit at the entrance where Katniss is," Haymitch said.
"So, I can just get shot at again," Katniss said bitterly. Peeta became panicked.
"What are we doing to secure that that won't happen again?" Peeta asked, holding Katniss tightly.
"The guy who shot her is actually a Rebel now. He'll stand up with a gun that isn't loaded. Him and Katniss can fight, and then he'll shoot her. But it's a trick gun. So, it's only for visual and audio effects," Haymitch said.
"So, I'm just supposed to pretend to get shot and fall to the ground?" Katniss said and snorted. She crossed her arms and started walking toward the room where everyone was meeting.
"Not exactly. Beetee has this rope thing that's just gonna pull you back. It's a stunt that they do in the Capitol with movies. It'll be green, so the tv won't be able to see it. And you'll fall back on a green mat. Snow will think you've really been shot," Haymitch told them. Peeta eyed him skeptically. "She'll be safe," Haymitch said.
Katniss sat on the sidelines. Not offering anything. Not listening to their words. It was all staged. She hated it. She hadn't even noticed that Gale was on her right side. He had to of talked to her, but she wasn't paying attention. She gripped the table that she was leaning against hard. She remembered being on the hovercraft and finding out Gale and Beetee's plan for a delayed bomb. They were standing right in front of her. How could Gale be this cruel?
"A second bomb," she said bitterly. Not loud enough for anyone at the table to hear her. But Peeta and Gale heard her.
"What second bomb?" Peeta asked her.
"Right…second one goes off here," Gale told Beetee, as he basically dismissed Katniss. Who was this boy standing in front of her? How could he kill innocent people?
"I guess there are no rules anymore about what a person can do to another person," Katniss said as she turned to Gale. Gale looked over her head at Peeta.
"What is she talking about?" Peeta whispered.
"That's what she said to me last time. When me and Beetee were talking about the second bomb," Gale said and looked back down at Katniss. "This isn't like last time Katniss," Gale told her. But Katniss knew he was lying. He was going to send in a second bomb. Innocent children were going to die. Innocent medics, helping the wounded. Prim.
She was suddenly spun around by her shoulders. Hands gripping her hard. "Katniss. I need you to focus on me," Peeta said as he put his hands on her cheeks. What was Peeta doing here? He was supposed to be back in 13. She shoved him away from her and covered her face.
"Just let me breathe," Katniss said. She just needed to get her bearings. She was confused, that's all. She went back to listening to Lyme, Paylor and Boggs talking with Coin on the tv. They were planning on bombing the Nut. Gale was going to kill so many people.
"Bury them alive," Paylor said
Coin ordered them to bomb the Nut. Leave the supply tunnels for them to escape.
"Katniss," who's voice was that?
"We should have every available medic standing by," Paylor said.
"No, no, no, no. Not my sister," Katniss sneered, and someone grabbed her before she could lunge. Someone else covered her mouth as another person grabbed her, feeling two people pick her up, while that third person covered her mouth. They dragged her out and finally put her on her feet.
"She's gonna send my sister in there. I won't let her!" Katniss yelled.
"Katniss breathe. We're in District 2. Prim never came to District 2. She's safe back in 13," Peeta told her, holding her face in his hands. She looked around and saw Finnick, Haymitch, Johanna and Madge. She turned her head more and her eyes landed on Gale.
"You tried to use Peeta against me. Telling me that it was ok to bomb people even though it was wrong, because Snow tortured Peeta. You used my feelings for Peeta against me. You never cared about him," she sneered and went to lunge again, but someone was holding her back.
"You pretended to have sympathy for him. You volunteered to rescue him. You went to the hospital to watch him and gloat. You told me if he didn't get better that you'd never stand a chance and made me feel like a terrible person for hurting you. You said all of that to justify why you wanted me to side with you," Katniss cried. She suddenly lost the fight in her body and sunk to her feet, laying her head on the ground.
"He's gone. And he's never coming back," she sobbed.
"She can't go out there like this Haymitch. When is enough gonna be enough? You sent her out here to get some rest. This isn't resting. She can't keep acting for the cameras! She's done. You can tell everyone that she's not getting on camera anymore," Peeta yelled and dropped to his knees to pull Katniss to him.
Peeta didn't care about anyone else but her. He didn't care about this war anymore. He was done. She was done. They needed to go home. "It's ok Katniss. Everything's going to be ok. I'm right here. I won't let anything happen to you anymore," Peeta told her as he pulled her into his lap and rocked her like a baby.
"You don't have to fight anymore ok. You're done. They can finish this without you. You can rest now," he told her. The others just looked at each other. Not knowing what to say.
"Is she all right?" Boggs asked as he came outside. He stopped when he saw her on the ground. Gale suddenly spun around and stomped away. Madge stood there, silent tears streaming down her face. Haymitch spun in the other direction.
"Go after him," Johanna told Finnick, nodding her head towards Haymitch. "I'll deal with this," Johanna said.
"Let me help you up and get her to your tent," Boggs said. He helped Peeta stand up with her in his arms and walked with them until they were in their tent. Boggs turned to look at Johanna.
"Let's find Haymitch," Johanna said. They walked in the direction of where Haymitch went. They rounded the corner and saw Haymitch sitting on the ground, hiding his face in his knees, with Finnick squatting in front of him.
"What happened?" Boggs asked.
"She's too mentally unstable for tonight. She started reliving the last meeting. She goes in and out of reality so much that she can't figure out what's really happening anymore," Finnick said, trying to scrub the sorrow out of his face.
"We're killing her," Haymitch moaned.
"Peeta won't let her go out there tonight. He won't let her do anything now. He's snapped. He's completely done with this. There's no way that she can be the Mockingjay anymore," Johanna told Boggs.
"We don't have a choice," Boggs said.
"SHE DOESN'T EITHER!" Haymitch screamed and stood up. "She needs help. And none of us can help her. We can't get access to medicine to help her. We've tried. She needs antipsychotics," Haymitch said and raised his arms.
"But the God damned fucking Capitol is keeping everything under lock and key. Nothings been shipped even to 1 or 2. He didn't do this last time, but Snow knows that the Victors are breaking. That she's breaking. And he's doing a fan-fucking-tastic job of making damn sure that no meds can get to her," Haymitch said.
"We have to do something different. She kill- "Johanna stopped when Finnick hit her arm. She gulped and averted her eyes from Boggs. Not everyone knew that Katniss had succeeded in taking her own life.
"She what?" Boggs demanded. The three of them all looked at each other. "Tell me!" Boggs demanded. He cleared his throat, and his voice softened.
"I care about her too," Boggs told them. It was the truth. He gave his life for Katniss, and he never regretted it. He meant what he said, when she deserved a long life. He still was keeping that promise!
"The reason why we came back here…that this all happened…after the war, after she killed Coin. She went back to 12. And she was depressed. She never left her house…and the day that Peeta came home…" Finnick trailed off. He couldn't say it. For once, Johanna was speechless.
"She killed herself," Haymitch said. He was reliving that day. He was reliving watching the life leave her body. He shook his head roughly. "I have worked to damn hard for four years now, to just have her die again. I'll be damned if I lose her again. I will not watch her try to take her own life again. And this is where were at. She can't go out there!" Haymitch told them.
"What we do then?" Boggs asked.
"I'll go out there." Finnick said. The three of them looked at him. "I know I'm not Katniss. But people listen to me. They know me and they trust me. I can take her place," Finnick said.
Peeta got Katniss to calm down, and she fell asleep. This was not happening anymore. He was done. She was done. There was no more fighting for her. They were going to find a place for Katniss to stay, that she would be far away from the fighting. Far away from the war. She needed to heal.
"She's going to get worse before she gets better," her father said.
Well, this was it. This was worse. He wasn't going to let her get even worse than this. This was the worst it was gonna get. Now, it was the time to get better!
Peeta felt her starting to stir, and he sat up and pushed some hair out of her face. "Katniss. Can you hear me?" he whispered to her. Her eyes starting fluttering and he cupped her cheek. "Come on sweetheart. Wake up for me," he told her softly.
Her eyes fluttered again and looked around, trying to focus. "There ya go. You're alright. It's just me and you," he told her, and leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Let me help you sit up," he said, and then handed her a bottle of water, that she drank slowly.
"Better?" she nodded her gratefully and handed it back to him. He squeezed his shoulders and rolled his neck as he gave her some time to get a hold of herself.
"What did I say to Gale?" she whispered. Her face fell. He cupped her cheeks and made her look at him.
"Baby he's not upset at you. You couldn't figure out where you were. He's your best friend, and he knows how you feel," her eyes started watering.
"I was so cruel to him," she whispered. He pulled her to his chest and held her tightly.
"He's not upset. He's not angry at you. I promise. It's ok Katniss," he rocked her for the second time that day. "Shhh. You're ok now. I won't let you do this anymore. Your time as the Mockingjay is over. You can start to live your life today," Peeta said. It took a moment, but Katniss said up and looked at him.
"What do you mean?" she asked. He rubbed her arm up and down.
"I told them it's enough. You've done enough. So, you're done. You're done fighting. I'm done with torturing you. Watching you…" he couldn't even say the words. "We'll just wait out the war, and then you and me can go home," Katniss just stared at him. Before she could respond, they heard a voice outside of their tent.
"Can I come in?" Haymitch asked.
"Yes," Peeta told him. Haymitch pulled the flap out and walked in and sat down, followed by Finnick.
"How are you feeling?" he asked her for the second time that day.
"I'm confused," she looked back at Peeta. "What do you mean that I'm done? I have to go out there when the train comes in," she said. But Peeta shook his head.
"No. You don't. Not anymore. Your job as the Mockingjay has officially ended," Peeta told her. Katniss just looked at Haymitch.
"I can't just stop. The war isn't over. Coin won't let me- "
"It doesn't matter what Coin wants," Peeta cut her off. She had a dreadful look on her face. Katniss looked to Finnick first.
"I'm gonna go out there tonight. For you. I can do Mockingjay duties from now on," Finnick said. Tears started streaming down her face, as she shook her head, trying to hold in a sob. She looked to Haymitch next.
"It's up to you Sweetheart. I can't ask you to do anymore…but I'll stand behind whatever decision you make. And I'll help get you through it," Haymitch told her. But Peeta was having none of that. He was watching her slowly dying. Fading before his eyes. Deteriorating. Her body was diminishing, and there was no way to stop it. The only way that he knew how to help, was to have her stop being the Mockingjay.
"I already made the decision. She's done. She's not doing this anymore," Peeta told them. But Haymitch just looked at him sadly.
"It's not your decision to make Peeta," he whispered. He looked over at Katniss. "It's hers," Haymitch said.
"So, I'm just supposed to sit, helpless. And watch her kil-" he stopped suddenly. Choking on his words. Katniss gasped and shook her head and covered her face with her hands.
"I just want this all to stop," she said.
"We know you do Katniss. But every day is one step closer. Only a little while longer. We're in the home stretch. And if you want to stop being the Mockingjay, then you can. I'll step up in your place," Finnick told her. Katniss head shot up and she started panicking.
"No. No, no, no you can't. You can't, you'll die. I won't watch you die again. I won't be the one that gets you killed," she sobbed. Peeta pulled her back to him.
"Alright that's enough. We're done talking about this. She's not doing it, and that's final," Peeta told them. Leaving no room for anymore discussion. Any more arguing. He made the final call. And he was refusing to back down.
Haymitch and Finnick left their tent without another word. Peeta focused his attention back on her. "It's alright. You're ok Katniss. You're safe with me," he told her and kissed her head.
"I'm so confused," she whispered. He pulled her back to look at him.
"Let's go take a shower. It'll clear your head," Peeta said. She agreed, and he carried their stuff to the showers. There was no bathtub for him to give her bath. He wished that he could be in the shower with her, but right now was not the time to see her fully exposed. She wasn't in that head frame. But she clung to him. He could tell that she didn't want to be separated. Even by a curtain.
"Hey, I got an idea," he said. Each shower had a curtain in front of it to walk in. But each stall was only separated by another curtain as well. The only wall in the shower, had the faucet on it. He ran outside and grabbed some rope that he saw walking by. He started playing around and was able to hook the curtain to the wall. It was already there for privacy. But then he went up to the top half and tied the rope around it. They could see each other, but only from the waist up. And no one could see in.
"Good?" he asked her. She nodded her head. He turned on the showers and adjusted them to the right temperature and moved to nozzles. He closed his curtain, and they both undressed and went closer to the wall so they could see each other now. He watched her as she moved her body under the spray and closed her eyes.
She was beautiful. She was exhausted. She was tired. She was sad. But all he could see was her beauty. In that moment, he couldn't see her pain. Her depression. He saw the girl he was in love with. The woman he was in love with. He just saw her. Katniss Everdeen. The girl, that when she sings, the birds stop to listen.
"Come here," he said softly, moving his body against the curtain and holding out his arm for her to hand him her shampoo. She handed it to him and then scooted back into him. She sighed softly feeling his hands scraping against her scalp. He took his time in washing her hair. He ran his soapy hands up and down her back, only to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her back to his chest. She leaned heavily back against him as he took the loofa and washed her chest and stomach.
He held her there for a few minutes, just letting her rest against him. He would never tire of holding her. It was a dream that he held on to his entire life. From the moment he saw her, he knew he was a goner. All he wanted to do was take care of this girl in his arms. Protect her. He had done an abysmal job of it so far. But he had to gain some control over Katniss' well-being. He had to be the one to put his foot down and tell them no. To not let her destroy what was left of her sanity. He had to take care of her. At all costs.
He kissed her wet shoulder and put his chin there. "All I dream about is holding you, for the rest of my life like this," he told her.
"Sounds like a nice dream," she whispered. He nodded and pulled her tighter to him.
"It's a beautiful dream. One where you're happy and healthy. And where you're free," he whispered in her ear and kissed her cheek. She held onto his arms and squeezed.
"I just have to face the music and get this over with tonight," she whispered sadly. But he shook his head.
"No, you don't Katniss. Not anymore. You don't owe anyone anything," he turned her around slowly and held her cheeks. "You can be done with this now. You can walk away. Finnick can take over. Johanna's chomping at the bit to get in front of the camera. They can take over for you. You have a choice here. You can walk away, and no one will be upset," Peeta told her. He watched a tear fall down her face. She had been silently crying that whole time.
"No one will be upset, except for the people that don't remember this already happened before," she whispered. She was right. Thousands of people didn't remember. Even people on their side. Even some people from District 12 didn't know that this all happened before.
"It doesn't matter. It's your choice- "
"No…it's not. I've never had a choice…I told that man last time who had the gun on me…that I'm a slave to the Capitol. I'm Snow's slave…but what I really am Peeta…is a slave to Panem," she said sadly. She was defeated.
"No," he whispered. That just broke everything inside his body. Hearing those words…it was worse than any amount of tracker jacker venom flowing in his veins. She was just giving up. She was resigning herself to being a slave to Panem. He had never thought of it that way…but that's exactly what she was. She was a prisoner of Panem.
He didn't even realize that she had turned her shower off and had already dried off and gotten dressed. "Come on Peeta. I have to go get dressed," she said. They both jumped when they started hearing bombs going off.
"They've started bombing. Let's go," she said and started walking out of the showers.
It took a moment for him to catch up to her after rushing and throwing on his own clothes. They walked back to their tent in silence and got dressed. She sat down on their sleeping bags and started braiding her hair. "You don't have to do this Katniss," he told her again.
It was her choice. He needed her to know that. But who was he kidding. It wasn't her choice. It never was. And Katniss knew it. And she knew, that Peeta knew it as well.
They were dressed in the same black uniforms, but she had her bow on her shoulder. They walked in silence again, not knowing what to say.
"Excuse me Mr. Soldier. Is that your big gun?" they heard Johanna ask Finnick, as she ran her hand down his chest and right above his crotch, where Finnick grabbed her hand and stopped her, laughing.
"Get your hands off me wench," Finnick laughed. Gale and Madge stood right next to them. They were all wearing the same black uniforms that Katniss and Peeta were. Johanna stood in front of them and started slowly unzipping her uniform, and Finnick reached forward and grabbed her.
"Who the hell gave her alcohol?" Finnick asked their large group.
"She kinda mixed up a little alcohol and a shot of Morphling," one of the younger rebels said. He was from 13. Peeta recognized him. Johanna just kept laughing.
"Oh my God, it was the good shit too," Johanna laughed again. Peeta and Katniss walked up to them, and everyone stopped talking. Even Johanna stopped laughing. But then stomped her foot. "Damnit. Now I don't get to be on camera," Johanna pouted and stumbled back a little into Haymitch.
"That wasn't why you're not getting on camera," Finnick chuckled as he steadied her.
"Someone take her out of here. Go back to the hovercraft and sleep it off," Haymitch said. Madge stepped forward wrapped her arm around her waist.
"Come on, I'll take you," Madge said and dragged her off. Haymitch, Gale and Finnick walked up to them.
"Katniss, I'm all set to do this. You don't have to. It's ok-"Finnick tried to say, but she shook her head.
"No. I have to do this. I just want to get this over with. So just…hook that rope on me," she said, looking at the ground.
"Katniss, I can't ask you to put your life on the line like this anymore," Haymitch said. Peeta could see that his eyes were bloodshot. "This isn't ok anymore. We'll come up with another way so you can- "
"And how are we supposed to explain that to Coin huh? How all of a sudden, I just quit being the Mockingjay? I can't just quit. If I quit, then we get punished. If I just quit, then things will happen that we don't see coming," she said to all four of them. They didn't know what to say to her. She was right.
"We know what Snow and Coin will do when they see the Loyalists come out, and I get shot. So, let's stick with what we know works," she said and bent down and picked up the rope. Beetee came over then and started hooking the rope around her and pointed out the mat.
"The cord will just pull you back, and you'll land on the mat. But no one can see it unless they're here. It'll be invisible on screen," he said. Katniss nodded her head.
"I'm walking up with her," Peeta said. Katniss' eyes widened.
"No, you're not. You're staying over there where you won't get hurt," Katniss panicked.
"Calm down ok. Just stay calm. I'm staying with you, and you can't make me change my mind," Peeta said and picked up her hand and kissed it. Her eyes welled up again.
"Please Peeta. You can't get hurt," she cried softly. He leaned forward and kissed the tears away. They were salty on his lips. It hurt him so bad to see her suffering so terribly.
"I'm not going to get hurt. I'm going out there with you to get you through this. We're a team. We do everything together," he told her and pushed some hair behind her ear.
"The three of us will go out there and give the speech, so you don't have to do it all by yourself," Finnick said. Before Katniss could protest, Finnick held up his hand. "I've already decided, and I'm not backing down," he said and started twirling his trident around in a big circle. Katniss just gulped.
They waited for a little bit while Peeta and Finnick hammered out the lines. And who would say what. Peeta and Finnick could speak without words. Finnick was ready to take over in a split second if Katniss started coming undone. Peeta could get her out of there, and Finnick would still be there to hold the audience.
He heard the train coming and watched as they got off the train and were told to lower their weapons. A gun went off, and two people staggered forward.
"Wait, it was just one guys last time-"Finnick tried to say, but Katniss screamed.
"STOP! HE NEEDS HELP!" Katniss said and ran to the other guy.
"NO KATNISS DON'T!" Peeta yelled and ran after her, grabbing a gun that someone had thrown on the train track and ran with Finnick over to her, where she was bent down, and the man held a gun to her head.
"EVERYONE STAND DOWN! OR I'LL SHOOT HER!" he yelled. The fear he had in his body was the same fear he had in the arena when Katniss was almost killed by Cato. Every time.
"NO!" Peeta yelled, but Finnick held him back.
"Peeta stop it. Just stay here," Finnick said, holding him against his chest.
"Let her go!" Peeta yelled. Katniss was on her knees, with her arms up in surrender, and she was crying.
"PUT YOUR GUN DOWN OR I'LL SHOOT YOU!" Gale yelled, with his gun pointed at him.
"Go ahead. I'll blow your Mockingjay's brains out," he said. Haymitch reached forward and helped Finnick pull him back.
"Who is he?" Peeta demanded.
"They did things differently to evacuate. He's one of the Loyalists," Finnick said.
"Let me go. I have to get her away from him," Peeta fought them.
"Why don't you tell me Mockingjay. Why shouldn't I kill you right now. In front of all of Panem. Tell me why I should let you live?" he asked her, pushing her closer to the ground. Katniss was sobbing.
"I CAN'T! I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY REASON!" She sobbed and pushed her face further into the ground. She was giving up.
"She wants him to kill her," Peeta said. Finnick loosened his grip, and Peeta looked at Haymitch. "That's why she wanted to go out there. That's why she went to the guy on the right, and not on the left. She doesn't wanna do this anymore. She wants him to kill her," Peeta cried. Finnick's arms fell at his side.
"LET HER GO!" Boggs and Gale were yelling.
"What did she say next?" Peeta demanded. Haymitch and Finnick looked at each other.
"That was the problem. Um," Finnick stumbled on his words.
"Burning our District and bombing theirs," Haymitch said, trying to remember as, though he was in a panic. Peeta spun around and walked closer, holding his gun out, pointing right at the man's head.
"She can't give you a good enough reason," Peeta said. All eyes were on him. "That's the problem, isn't it?" he asked. He looked over at Gale. Gale nodded his head. He had Peeta's back. He would die for Katniss. He would die protecting her.
"We blew up your mine…and you burned my District to the ground. We've got every reason to kill each other…so do it. Kill her," Peeta said. He raised his hands in defeat, but still holding the handgun. "Make the Capitol happy. Make Snow happy. Kill Katniss Everdeen," Peeta said, and threw his gun aside.
"Because I'm done, killing his slaves for him," Peeta said.
"I'M NOT SNOW'S SLAVE!" the man yelled, shaking Katniss, and causing her to scream and cover her face. She was sobbing, and Peeta could hear her muttering that it wasn't real. He yanked on her collar. "WILL YOU SHUT UP!" he yelled at her.
"HEY!" Finnick yelled as he stepped in line with Peeta. Gale appeared on Peeta's other side.
"STOP SCARING HER!" Peeta yelled at him. He squatted down. "Katniss, it's ok. Just calm down. It's gonna be ok," he told her calmly. But he didn't think she could hear him. She was terrified. This sadly was not the same girl anymore.
"Well, I'm a slave to Snow," Finnick said. Peeta stood up, his eyes still locked on Katniss as she sobbed on the ground.
"I am to. And so is she," Peeta said, looking back up at the man. "She's always been his slave. She's been his slave from the moment her sisters name was called. And that's why she killed Cato," Peeta said, and took a step closer to them. He needed Katniss to hear his voice better.
"And Cato was his slave to. He killed Thresh. And then Thresh killed Clove- "
"They're all alive now!" the man said.
"But we didn't know that. None of us knew that…that's why Clove tried to kill Katniss," Peeta choked on his words. He needed to get her away from this man. They had to do something, and fast! He promised he would protect her.
"It just goes around and around. And who wins?" Finnick asks, holding his arms out. The man was listening. That was good.
"Not us…Not the Districts. But Snow does. It's always Snow that wins. And I'm tired of being a piece in his games," Peeta said. Katniss sobbed again.
"I don't want to be a piece in his games anymore," she cried.
"He won tonight. Don't you see? We attacked your District. They got us to kill you guys. District 12 and District 2 have no fight, except the one that the Capitol gave us…and why are you even fighting the Rebels?" Peeta asked him.
"Why are you fighting Lyme? She's your Victor," Finnick asked him.
"Why are you fighting your friends? Your neighbors? Your family?" Peeta asked him. The man loosened his grip slightly on Katniss.
"I don't know," he said and let her go, taking one step back. Peeta didn't even waste a second. He bent down and yanked her to her feet and pulled her back into his chest.
"I got you. It's ok I got you Katniss," Peeta said. Boggs sandwiched them in from behind, while Gale and Finnick covered them from the front.
"We're not your enemy. None of these people are the enemy," Finnick told them.
"It's Snow," Katniss cried. Peeta hugged her. Haymitch was suddenly next to him, and he grabbed Katniss and made her look at him.
"Don't let him win right now. Fight him back," Haymitch told her.
"Stop asking her to do this!" Peeta ground out at her.
"I have to," she sobbed. She turned and Gale felt her bump into him and turned slightly. She went in between them and walked forward. Peeta shoved Haymitch aside and rushed to stand next to her. Katniss stood there, catching her breath.
"We only have one enemy, and that's Snow!" Katniss said. Peeta squeezed her hand. "He corrupts everyone, and everything," she said and turned around to look at all the Loyalists on the ground.
"He turns the best of us against each other," she said and choked on her words. She took a deep breath, and Peeta saw her face get red. "STOP KILLING FOR HIM!" Katniss yelled at everyone.
"Stop turning your weapons on each other…tonight, turn your weapons on the Capitol. Turn your weapons, to Snow!" Katniss yelled.
Peeta saw him before anyone else did. A Loyalist stood up from under the train and pointed the gun at Katniss. Peeta screamed and pushed Katniss out of the way. He felt the bullets hit him and send him flying backwards. And then, he saw nothing.
Katniss picked herself up after being shoved to the ground. Haymitch knew what had to be done. He hated what he was about to do. But he had to do it. Katniss screamed and ran over to him. Begging Peeta to wake up. He came up behind her, and stuck a needle in her neck, and a moment later, she collapsed on top of Peeta, who was lying unconscious on the train track.