A/N: Okay! For everyone who reviewed the last chapter and had a question about why Kyouya didn't recognize Kaoru, here's the answer. Remember, this an AU story, meaning ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, so because of that, the HOST CLUB never happened. And Kyouya might not be rich, and all that. But anyways, thanks so much for the reviews you guys! And Ive decided that I wont kill anyone in this chapter. But I might be introducing another host club person. Probably Tamaki. Hmmm, who knows what role he will play in this weird story. And everyone in this story is based on a REAL person in REAL life...sorta. So don't blame me for the OOCness! GOT IT? Okay, and again, thanks so much for the reviews. I know I have to finish this story. Gah! Also, I never planned this to happen. It was supposed to be something different. Also, theres some nasty stuff. Beware. Squeamish look away! Or not. Its not that bad. Just...disgusting to think about.

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Summary: Kaoru cant live without Hikaru. They had shared a once loving relationship, and now Hikaru is going out with Haruhi. Kaoru, who was once a very happy rich kid and almost picture perfect, was introduced to the world of drugs, alchohol, smoking, cutting, and prostitution. What will become of him? Will Hikaru actually find out what he's been doing to Kaoru this whole time? Will Hikaru come back back to him? Or just leave and let Kaoru kill himself?

Very DARK angsty fic. Beware.

Warning: See Chapter 1.

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

What Have I Become?
Chapter 4:Destroy and Rebuild
;;I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO NAME THE CHAPTER! SUE ME!;;

Sunlight filtered through the tattered sheets and splayed across the lump in the bed. Light rays dancing upon the contours of said lump as it sturred slowly. Golden eyes slowly revealed themselves to the bright, early morning. Kaoru stretched his arms and yawned. He rubbed his eyes slowly as a chuckle came from the other side of the room.

"Ohayo, Kaoru. You know, you really looked like a cat just now." Julian said coming closer to the bed.

"Ohayo Julian. What happened last night. My body is killing me right now." He said rubbing his back.

"Uhh, about that..." Julian said. Abruptly, all of the memories of what happened last night came rushing back to him in a flood of freezing rain. He shivered as he remembered certain aspects, but nothing bothered him.

"You...okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, Im okay, I guess." He answered lightly. He wasn't really taken with the fact that he just got raped. If he was a virgin, it would have been terribly painful, but Hikaru had dealt with that a couple of years ago.

"Are you sure? I mean, come on, you were RAPED." He tried to make the word come to life with hand motions.

"Yeah, Im fine. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. It was..tolerable actually." He shrugged, not caring that the sentence he just said didn't make sense at all.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Julian grabbed Kaoru's shoulders and started shaking him. "You were raped! Hello! Does that not MEAN anything to you?"

"I guess not. I think, I just want someone to love me. So it was forceful, very, but it felt as if..." He trailed off, not needing to finish off his sentence. Julian made an oh with his mouth and hugged him. He knew what it felt like to be unloved. His secret lifestyle was proof of that.

Right now, Kaoru's mind was swirling with many thoughts.

"I know how you feel. By the way, you never fully explained what happened between you and your brother. All I know is he did something awful." Kaoru's eyes widened slighty as he looked at Julian. He knew he would have to tell him sooner or later.

"It's really simple actually. I loved my brother, more...more than I was supposed to, more than God willed me too, and that ended up with me getting hurt. I can't live with him after he dumped me. Seeing him everyday and knowing he doesn't love me anymore would really hurt. But maybe it's all a lie. All I really want is someone who will love me, and not leave just because theres something wrong with it." He said slowly. It brought back painful memories. Unshed tears prickled at the back of his eyes, but he forced them to stay put. He didn't want to cry anymore. He did enough of that.

Julian hugged him tighter and whispered in his ear.

"Dont worry, Im here for you now." He didn't know the true meaning behind those words, and he didn't know what they would bring upon the two.

"Thank you." He whispered under his breath as he hugged Julian back. 'Maybe I could get used to living here. It wont be so bad...' Kaoru thought.

Kaoru went back to lay down on his bed as Julian sat on the side. They stayed there like that, and soon Kaoru fell asleep. Julian looked at the face and one word came to his mind. Angel. His face was slightly glowing, probably because of the light, and the normal mask he wore when he was awake was torn off. He could see Kaoru's true beauty. He sighed deeply.

He knew, that soon enough, Kaoru would get drawn in. He had yet to learn of the things Julian did. It didn't matter if he was a good example or not, he just didn't want to get Kaoru hurt in any way. He knew some of his friends were harsh, and that they got him into doing the wrong things.

Kaoru started tossing and turning slightly. A sheer line of sweat appeared on his brow. Julian looked a bit worried, but decided not to get bothered by it. He went out of the room to catch his own shut-eye for the next few hours.

Im dreaming of you...

Rain pelted down in onto the grey sidewalks. Kaoru walked along, kicken a can as he went. He was only wearing a white tank top with shorts. The rain never bothered him at all. It was calm, and he could always think more clearly. A flash of lightning and the rolling of thunder filled the gloomy sky. He turned into a dark alleyway. It was dark, no black. Pitchback. He couldn't see anything.

A flash of lighting. A pair of eyes flash in front of him. The rolling of thunder. Maniacal laughing heard in the distance. Sounds of footsteps slowly approaching as the tension in him builds and builds. Another pair of footsteps behind him. He cant hold it in much longer.

Hands come up and grab his shoulders and a shrill scream erupts from his throught. He is thrown down to the ground and is knocked out.

He wakes up. Its a maze of hedges. Roses are black, and thorns are sticking out in every direction. A voice chuckled inside his head.

10 minutes.

"Ten minutes to what." He called out wimpering.

10 minutes to get out.

Kaoru gulped and started running in a random direction. Voices were inside his head, telling him he was going the wrong way. Or that he wasn't going to make it. The maze shifted. He recalled a movie similar to this, with wizards, and a cup. Shoving that aside, he came upon a long path. There was no way to go but down there. Dramatic music started playing out of nowhere. Now he was scared.

He ran down the end of the path. Traps were being triggered and sharp objects started to jump around. One sliced his cheek, another sliced part of his shorts. He was bleeding alot, but all he did was he wanted to get out.

At the end of the path there were two ways to go. He looked to his right and there was a white light at that end. He looked to his left and there was an image. It came rushing up to his face and he let out another shrill scream.

There, in front of him, was Julian's body impaled on a golden sword. Why the sword? He didn't know. It might have symbolized something, but the blood oozing down and pooling at the bottom was just horrific. His face was burned off, and you could barely see where his nose used to be. It was just two whole in his face surrounded by dark red waves of burnt skin.

Only one eye remained. The other was no where to be found. Hair looked like it had been ripped out. A part of his skull was showing and adding to the ever growing amount of blood streaming from his body. Arms and legs were bent in a way they aren't supposed to. His intestine was falling out a hole in his back. Skin ripped open and created a gaping hole in his back. Kaoru wanted to look away, and vomit somewhere, but he couldn't. This was his new found friend. And it scared him, so much.

A voice bounced around in his head. Julian. It was haunting him. Telling him he was disgusting. Telling him he was the worst. For no apparent reason. The sound of ticking errupted in his mind and that told him he had to go. He slowly pushed himself past the body. Julian's head turned toward Kaoru and the voice came back.

No one will ever love you. You'll die alone. And no one will bother to remember.

Kaoru's breath hitched as he kept on running past. He turned another corner, and the ticking continued. It was so slow. Driving Kaoru slowly insane. Haurhi appeared in front of him and he almost crashed into her. He actually fell right through her. She didn't say anything. She had no mouth. She didn't see anything. She had no eyes. She didn't hear anything, she had no ears.

Invisible threads came out from her fingers and wrapped around Kaoru's body. Everywhere, slowly cutting the flesh open leaving trails of blood, soon turning into rivers falling down his body. He screamed in pain as the slowly dug deeper and deeper. He opened his eyes and saw Hikaru walked towards him with a smirk on his face. His eyes told him everything. "Its fun to watch you suffer in pain." They said to him. He stepped his foot and released another trap. The threads loosened their grip on Kaoru and Hikaru stepped forward more. He didn't speak, for his voice echoed in Kaoru's mind.

Did you really think I loved you? As if. You're disgusting. Just look at you now. You are no brother of mine.

Kaoru felt hot tears pouring down his cheeks as a hald came to slap him. His cheek started burning with immense pain. Nothing could stop it.

I never loved you. You were nothing to me. I hate you.

"Salt" He said under his breath. Hikaru had rubbed salt on his wounds. The cut on his cheek was burning, as well as all the other scratched that came in contact with his hand.

Pitiful excuse for a brother

A swift kick came to his gut, and blood splurted from some gashed made from the threads. He uttered one last shrilling scream...

...And it ended in a nightmare

"Ahhhhh!" Kaoru bolted out of bed. White light clouding his vision. Was he still alive. Was he bleeding anywhere? It was all a dream. Something nipped at his cheek and it started to burn a bit. His hand came up and covered it.

"Kaoru what's wrong!" He almost expected Hikaru to sit up beside him and hug and kiss him and tell him in was all a dream.

"Kaoru, you're face." Julian looked at it. There was a cut there, and it was red.

"I don't know. It...it was horri-" He choked as he sobbed into his knees. It felt too real. He wanted it to end.

Julian promptly went to comfort him. It must have been a horrible nightmare.

"It's okay, it was only a dream. Nothing really happened. It was all your mind." He breathed into his ear as he hugged him and rubbed his back in soothing circles. Kaoru clutched onto the front of his shirt and sobbed.

"It was too real. It...was..-" He stopped again only to let out more tears. It was so painful. The dull stinging on his cheek was proof that it was real. His sobs slowly started to turn into little hiccups.

"You...okay now Kaoru?" He asked. He slowly laid him down back on the bed. Kaoru's shirt rode up and revealed smooth creamy skin. Julian felt a faint tinge come to his cheeks.

"It's going to be alright." He said as he slipped under the covers and held him. Kaoru thought they didn't fit as well as he and Hikaru, but it didn't matter. He wanted someone to hold. He drifted back into the dream world again. He heard comforting words in the distance, and felt a light pressure on his lips.

"Im here for you Kaoru." And Julian lightly kissed his lips. He didn't mean to. It was an accident. When Kaoru would wake up, he'd say it was a heat of the moment thing. Nothing more. But his deepest desire wouldn't let it just be nothing. Its been a few days and he's already starting to fall. But the question is, will Kaoru be there to catch him, or just let him break?

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ALWAYS READ THE A/Ns OR YOULL MISS SOMETHING IMPORTANT! THIS IS A MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY ME AND IT APPLIES TO ALOT OF STORIES! PLEASE! EVEN IF THEY DO SEEM POINTLESS! READ THEM ANYWAYS! SOME THINGS MIGHT BE IMPORTANT!

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Julian woke up first. Upon looking on the sweet face that was Kaoru, he decided not to wake him up. He didn't usually spent all his time sleeping. He had a customer tonight. He was usually in Kaoru's room, but he would have to go to his other appartment tonight. Just to make sure Kaoru wouldn't think he abandoned him, he left a note. Short and simple.

Gone out.
Don't think too much.
Julian.

He grabbed his jacket and left.

The sound of the door being closed had awoken Kaoru. He was afraid to wake up. He was scared that everything he dreamed would be real. He looked around, and Julian was gone. He was too dense at the moment to look for a note, the one that was stuck on the door, and he suddered. It was like the other dream.

"Julian! Where are you?" He called into the ocean of night. There was nothing anywhere.

"You said you were here for me. Where are you." He said into his scarf. It was cold that night, even if it was summertime. He walked back to the appartment, hoping he would be there. Instead, there was Hikaru.

Sitting on his bed, acting like he owned the place. He had an aura around him that said kneel down before me. Kaoru was scared. His brother never acted like this. It had to be a dream. Yeah, thats right. A dream.

Hikaru got off the bed and walked towards Kaoru. He kicked his knees, and his legs buckled so he was kneeling on the ground. He looked up slowly, and one word came from his mouth.."Why?"

Hikaru stared at him, and burst into laughter. It hurt Kaoru so much.

"You really wanna know why? Why what? Why this? Well, I realized, it's not all that cool to have an exact image of yourself, a doppleganger, walking around beside you. And it pisses me off. I had to leave you. I wanted to." He left the room and walked away. Hikaru was always doing this to him. It wasn't him. He knew Hikaru better than anyone. This isn't Hikaru.

Kaoru got on the bed and cried himself to sleep. He wanted all this to stop.

It was almost the same. Exactly. Kaoru rolled over and breathed deeply. It was Julian. He could smell him on the pillow, and it calmed him down. Something before, only Hikaru could do. He closed his eyes, and the image of Julian impaled on a sword came back to him.

Golden orbs shot open. He couldn't back to sleep. It would haunt him. He had to be a good boy and stay awake. Kaoru sat up and brought his knees to his chest.

Paranoia was creeping on him. He didn't know that. Everything felt so real. A sharp pain in his head shot him out of his mini trance. He went to the kitchen and tried to find something that will get rid of the headache. He found something, not really sure what it was, but it was worth a shot. He gulped down the tiny white capsule, and the pain disappeared, almost instantly.

Over the next few minutes, weird things started to happen. He couldn't see straight. He thought he saw Hikaru, but he was really looking into a mirror. The mirror Hikaru started to talk to him. Telling him things he couldn't understand. And evil smirk on his face grew and Kaoru stepped back. He bumped into Haruhi, which was really the door, and she looked at him with sad eyes. He always thought he was her friend. She started to play with his hair. Braiding it here and there, cutting some off here and there. He finally realized what she was doing and ran away again. He came into the living room and bumped his knee on the table, but what he saw, was Julian hitting him. He fell and hit his head on the couch. Everything was spinning now. And he was utterly afraid. He wanted to make sure this wasn't real. He slapped himself, but he still saw everyone. They were all grinning. He tried to make sure he was dreaming again. Asleep, anything that would stop this. He couldn't feel any pain. It wasn't right. He had to make sure.

He ran into the kitchen and took a knife from the drawer. Dragged it across his wrist. It felt small. Nothing. Only like someone poking you in the arm. He did it again. And he felt more. Everytime, he felt more. He didn't stop until it hurt like it should. He dropped the knife onto the ground, and fell to his knees. Everyone was starting to disappear. He felt like himself again.

He went to get the first aid kit, and bandaged his arm. There were so many cuts. It wasn't right. He had never done this before. And for once, it almost felt okay. He sat, back against the counter. Why was Hikaru haunting like this?

He thought for so long. It killed him. He wanted his brother back. But he needed to stay with Julian to avoid getting hurt like that again. This wound wouldn't heal over time, he knew that.

"You can't fix something that's already broken." He said to himself.

'But you can rebuild it.'

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A/N: Sokay. It sucks. Dont blame me! I updated woot. I really dont know what to put at this part. But whatever. I know the last line doesn't make any sense, but if you think about it. If a glass falls on the floor it shatters. It becomes broken. You can't fix it, but you can rebuild it. Somehow...Anyways, whatever. And I shortened the amount of time I want my reviews!

10 reviews in a week. I like my reviews! Pretty please? Reviews make me write more. On days I get reviews, I write more. Alot more. But alas, school has started. And BAM! On the first day I get assigned a LONG ASS term project. YAY ME! Stupid Mister Kuniss, and his zeros so big you can roll them home.

PLEASE VOTE! I want to you know if you guys want something to actually happen between Julian and Kaoru. If not, I can do something to make it even more sad.

Anyways, review, and make someone live longer.