Fumitory is in the living room rocking to 'WHATS MY AGE AGAIN?' by blink 182
I took her out, it was a Friday night
I wore cologne to get the feeling right
We started makin' out and she took off my pants
But then, I turned on the TV
And that's about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And are still more amused by TV shows
What the hell is ADD, my friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?
Then later on, on the drive home
I called her mom from a pay phone
I said I was the cops and your husband's in jail
This state looks down on sodomy
And that's about the time that bitch hung up on me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And are still more amused by prank phone calls
What the hell is call ID, my friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
What's my age again?
And that's about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And you still act like you're in freshman year
What the hell is wrong with me,
My friends say I should act my age
What's my age again?
That's about the time that she broke up with me (what's my age again?)
No one should take themselves so seriously
with many years ahead to fall in line
why would you wish that on me,
I'll never wanna act my age!
what's my age again?
What's my age again?
What's my age again...
"You have no idea how much that song suits you" Kai said standing in the door way "aren't we supposed to be getting Tyson, Ray and Kenny from the airport soon?"
"Yup. But I don't feel like driving just yet, their flight arrives in twenty minuets they'll be there at 4:00 so well go at six"
"What you cant be serious!"
"Kai. I am never serious about anything but pranks. And its Tyson's turn to be tortured because he nearly fell of a ten storey high building in America, while attempting to make Dragoon jump across the roof tops, and developed a severe fear of hights" (an evil grin crosses her face) "think of all the fun I can have with that!"
"How do you know about that?"
"Kenny was stupid enough to email me and tell me. Honestly isn't he supposed to be the brains in this team?"
"Ok so while we're out can I go and get a camera? If you're inflicting pain on Tyson I want it on tape!"
"Be my guest. You just sparked off an evil plan and make sure it's a good camera I have an idea but we may have to blackmail Kenny."
"Fine by me but you have to go halves I'm kinda broke at the moment"
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
AFTER BUYING THE CAMERA
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
"Fumitory do we really have to buy new CD's now its half past six and we were meant to pick them, up at four"
"Yes. I want some new tunes for my car now shut the fuck up and help me look for Kean's new album. Oh and keep your eye out for blink182, maroon five, linkin park, green day, the white stripes, Muse, Franz Ferdinand and yellow card.
"Should I write that down?"
"Don't get cocky with me or you'll end up in bandages… like max"
"Dude do you think he'll ever get rid of that mark on his back from that stone you fired at him?"
"I don't really know or care"
"You are such a bitch"
"Thank you my hatred salutes you"
"That made no sense at all"
"I know. now get your seat belt on I'm gonna go 90 mph" (miles per hour) "SHIT THE COPS"
"Now you've done it "
"No I'll just use some identity magic"
"What!"
"Oh I didn't tell you? I'm an elf I can change the way I look and others around me"
"You get weirder by the second"
"That's why everyone loves me now. take the wheel"
Kai does as he is told Fumitory starts chanting and her hair starts to turn blonde, her features become boyish Kai become more girlish, and his hair turns brown. (An: Can you guess who they're turning into folks? you know cos its sooooooooooooooooooooooo difficult to tell. Oh and I'm being sarcastic for the no brained buggers who cant tell).
Looking at his girlie hands; "what the hell? Fumitory what have you done to me and… WHAT? MAX!
"HUSH ITS ME AND DON'T WORRY YOUR STILL YOU ITS JUST AN IMAGE BUT DON'T TALK YOU CANT PUT ON THE BITCHES VOICE"
(In max's voice) " I'm sorry officer I was speeding because I need to get to the hospital for my addiction classes and Hillary's conceiving group.
Kai clutches his stomach trying desperately not to laugh.
"What! Addiction class? But you barely look old enough to drive!"
"SO YOUR PICKING ON MY HEIGHT ARE YOU? I COULD GET A LAWSUIT AGAINST THAT!"
"NO SIR NOT AT ALL! in fact my son is a big fan of yours!"
Fumitory shot Kai a look, which more or less said 'look at this blithering idiot he wouldn't last a minute with me, what a push over.' then she saw her feet the spell was wearing off. She had to go no matter how much she wanted to stay and mock the law.
"Well I might let it go… this time, I'm late"
"Before you go I need to put points on your license and will you sign an autograph for my son?"
Kai froze Fumitory didn't have max's license.
"Sure" she said rooting in the glove compartment and pulling out max's driver's license and a pen.
She handed the license over and wrote on a receipt ' Dear blithering idiots son don't turn out like your dad and best wishes, Max Tate'
They drove away laughing
"Conceiving class? Where did that come from!" he asked in hysterics
"I dunno but you can't expect me to be nice about HILLARY can you!"
"How did you get Max's licence? I thought he had lost it!"
"I stole it, that's how he lost it. Aww I wanted to take the Mick out of that cop stupid spell. So which way to the airport?"
"Left"
"Right? Ok then"
"NO LEFT GO LEFT THAT'S A ONE WAY ROAD!"
"Sorry Kai I seem to have gone temporarily deaf and can't hear you"
"AHHHHHHHHH WATCH THAT TRUCK!"
"Chill Kai, when have I ever let you down?"
"I'd prefer not to answer that"
"Fuck you, ass hole" (Punches Kai)
"Oww that hurt" (rubs arm)
"Good, I've had enough now let's go and pick them up"
"Finally"
Fumitory sticks her tongue out at Kai.
"Mine!" Kai grabs Fumitory's tongue she pushes him away
At The Airport.
"At last! we've been here for at least an hour," said a rather shaky Tyson
"I thought you got here at 4"
"Well we knew you would come late so we told you the wrong time then Tyson wouldn't get on the plane for an extra hour" Ray said.
"Ray you really shouldn't have said that" said Kai
"Why" Ray asked surprised
"For some reason Fumitory has become insane and is acting like a 15 year old boy you know… immature she even has a theme tune now"
"A theme tune?"
"Yeah 'What's My Age Again?' by Blink 182"
Ray laughed
"Look are we gonna stand around like idiots or- DIE RAY!"
Before Fumitory can launch her attack on Ray for lying to her, she catches a glimpse of her car about to be toed.
"WHAT? NO MY BABY!"
Fumitory runs out and sees who is in the driver's seat… Max's uncle
"Hey you pillock what do you think you are doing with my car!"
"Your car? (Gets out of truck) But max called me and asked me to take this car for him he said it was his. have I got the wrong one because this is the number plate he gave me"
Fumitory took the piece of paper from Max's uncle (An: I'll call him Carl because I don't even know if Max has an uncle) and saw it was her number plate.
"I'm gonna kill max he thought one day of being attacked was bad? TRY A WHOLE MONTH! I'LL FUCKING MURDER THE LITTLE SHIT! HE HAS MADE A MORTAL ENEMY! THERE ARE FOUR THINGS IN THIS WORLD THAT YOU DON'T MESS WITH 1) MY FRIENDS, 2) MY BEY BLADE, 3) MY DIARY AND 4) MY CAR!"
"Fumitory calm down nothing will happen to your car! Will it Carl?"
"Well actually if I don't do this I'll be suspended from work, so ya see I have to take it too the scrap heap, sorry"
"TRY IT!" Fumitory shouted then she punched Carl and knocked him out.
Fumitory unhooked her car, threw the suitcases into the trunk and jumped into the driver seat.
"COME ON THEN!" she shouted at them seeing the Fire in her eyes Ray almost ran to the car and got in the back seat Kenny sat in the middle, Tyson next to him and Kai retook his seat in he front. Fumitory starts driving before any one even gets the chance to put on their seatbelts.
Back at the Dojo
Fumitory gets out and thrusts the front door open "MAX YOU TWAT WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU'RE DEAD!" she boomed as she headed for his room. The others were barely through the front door when Fumitory stormed passed them dragging a struggling Max out side. She hit him until he was reduced to tears then dumped him in a metal dustbin knocked it on its side and kicked it round the garden for 15 minutes. Then she pushed it into the road and got into her car. Seeing what was coming, Kai ran after her and managed to kick max out of the way before Fumitory could run him over.
"What did you move him for Kai?"
"To stop you running him over you insane bitch!"
"I wasn't gonna run him over. I was gonna tie a rope to the can then tie the other end to my car and drag him round the block a couple of times." Crossing her arms in a sulk, she watches Tyson and Ray pull a semi conscious and very cramped, Max from the dustbin.
"I fucking hate you Fumitory" Max slurred to a bush
"I'm over here numb nuts, and if you don't like me I don't give a shit coz I don't really like you either."
Max passes out and Ray dragged him back inside.
Next day: Fumitory actually gets round to bullying Tyson for a change
"What have you got up your sleeve this time?" Kai sighs
"I don't have sleeves dumb ass" Fumitory holds her arms out to show him. (Fumitory wears a black tank top and a pair of black jeans, well they were denim before she got her hands on permanent dye, which will make a reappearance in the next chapter.)
"Oh aha aha aha ho ho ho my sides are splitting genius. So are you gonna stop being a prat and tell me?"
"All I'm gonna say is Tyson's gonna get 'chicken' " (laughs evilly) (excuse the bad pun guys sorry I couldn't think of anything to put)
2:00 in the morning
"What are you up to Fumitory?"
"Can it Hiwatari. I'm busy"
"Yeah but what are you doing with a bucket"
(Sighing) "I'm filling it with chocolate sauce"
"Ok disturbing. But why?"
"Wait and see"
Kai's camera comes on filming the bucket and the sticky chocolate sauce. Fumitory turns it to face her.
(Evil grin) "Tyson's about to get a surprise when he wakes up"
The camera is turned to Tyson's door. Where Kai can be seen assembling a trap
"Done?"
"Yes"
"Good. "
Camera cuts off
Camera comes on again filming a clock.
5:00 in the morning
The camera is turned to face Fumitory:
"Ok so me and Kai have arranged a special treat for Tyson and now I think he is about to wake up because he has stopped snoring lets watch and find out what happens
Tyson is heard mumbling and yawning within his room Fumitory opens the door a fraction and films unnoticed. Tyson heads for his closet and dresses then slumps towards the door
"NOW!" she screamed at Kai who sprang the trap. The bucket of chocolate sauce was dropped from the rope it had been dangling on, covering Tyson head to foot in the sticky topping. Tyson in blind panic ran round the room screaming then he headed to the door again where Kai and Fumitory were waiting for him as soon as he came out they pounced and let two bin bags of feathers drop on Tyson then spray painted him as he screamed.
"You idiots what are you playing at? I let you stay at my house without paying rent or anything and this is how you repay me?"
"Oh shut up you oversized flea. Max went through much worse and so will the others I can't personally stand you but Fumitory doesn't want to go too hard on you because you helped her out a few times." Kai sulked annoyed that his archenemy was getting off easy… for now.
"That doesn't mean I'll be TOO lenient with you though you'll get your fair share" she retaliated indignantly not wanting to impair her perfectly insane and uncaring image.
Tyson shuddered and went to try and get the feathers off him which he found difficult as Fumitory had found a special potion which made things stick for a week and had poured it on Tyson when he was too busy screaming to notice.
"Dude you know he is gonna look like a giant chicken that's been rolled in shit for a week don't you?"
"That's the beauty of it. Now unfortunately for him I need to make plans for my next act of cruelty this one will involve Tyson's vertigo" (insane laugh)
"What are you gonna do?"
"If I told you it wouldn't be as special would it Kai? Now go and steal Max's beyblade he is the only one who can make what I need."
"A life?"
"Shut your ass up Kai or I'll do it for you." Fumitory leaps onto Kai the camera gets thrown to the floor and records Fumitory beating the life out of Kai. When she's finished she picks the camera up, gets one last shot of him nursing his arm, which was bleeding and turns it off.
Camera comes on
Max is assembling a pulley while Fumitory stands guard at the door with Max's a beyblade suspended over white-hot coals. Kai is obviously the one filming he turns it to himself and Fumitory sees
"Kai turn that bloody thing off now! You're spoiling it for me!" she yells
"What are they doing? I don't know. Only time will tell…" Kai manages to say before Fumitory grabs it off him
Camera cuts off
Camera begins filming again. its night and Kai is seen dragging a heavy lumpy object to the edge of a building and tying it to the edge of a rope then a smaller lump and tying that to the other end and dropping them over the edge of the building where they are caught by a thick pole.
Camera cuts.
Camera comes on.
Its daytime again and its filming Fumitory in hysterics once again on the top of the building. Which turns out to be Hillary's house.
"Breath Fumitory it's not that funny"
"You haven't seen him" she wipes a tear from her eye and gets up to look over the edge then falls to the floor laughing again. "Kai come over here and film this." After she stops laughing. A girlish screaming was coming from the end of the rope. (An: ten points to any one who guesses what's going on.) The camera focuses on a sick looking, very pale Tyson who was spinning on the rope flapping his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs. Then he saw Kai and in a strangled voice he screamed " how the hell did I get up here!"
" Fumitory made me drag you up here last night. Now if you look to your left you'll see a little present from us" he smiled and gave the peace sign. (Yes I know very unKai like.)
Tyson did as Kai said. Tyson's face got paler if that was possible and he clamped a quivering hand to his mouth and chucked up. For dangling about an inch away from his face was a dead possum. Fumitory decided she had enough of this so she pulled out a harness set it up and ab-sailed down to Tyson who sighed in relief that Fumitory had decided to end his torture… how wrong he was. Fumitory leapt onto Tyson's back and started spinning him round again.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH! HEEEEEEELP! Get of me you sadistic bitch"
"Now Tyson there's no need for that language!"
"WHAT? YOUR FUCKING DANGLING ME FROM MY OWN HOME KNOWING I AM SHIT SCARED OF HIGHTS!"
"Oh dear looks like you haven't learned your lesson, that means a longer punishment for ickle Tyson." (Fumitory spins Tyson round faster and he barfs all over her new boots "YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!" she then smacks him round the head and he is knocked out. She sighs and absails down to the ground where she lowers Tyson to the ground with the device that she had forced Max to create. Camera cuts
Camera comes back on
Fumitory is washing up with Ray singing songs from Monty python
"Ooh get her! Whoops!
I've got your number ducky.
But you couldn't afford me, dear.
Two three. I'd scratch your eyes out.
Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear,
We all know where you've been,
You military fairy!
Whoops, don't look now girls,
The major's just minced in
With that dolly colour sergeant,
Two, three, ooh-ho!"
"Fumitory your being filmed" Ray informed her
"No shit Sherlock" she replied then turned to Kai and shouted "FUCK YOU KAI GET YOUR MAN LOVING ASS OUT OF MY KITCHEN!"
" The last time I checked this was Tyson's kitch… I DON'T LOVE MEN!"
"Could 'ave fooled me" Ray said Fumitory laughed and Kai blushed then went for Ray but Fumitory pushed Ray out of Kai's path making Kai bang his head.
"WHAT THE FUCK FUMITORY?" Kai shouted hurt and embarrassed that Fumitory would do that to him.
"Kai it's against my morals to let a fellow Neko Jin fall to harm caused by a Human that could have been prevented, it's sort of an unofficial law. I maybe an asshole but I have honour!"
"Ok" he grumbled and cut the camera off
Camera comes on filming Kai
"Ok so once again its time for Tyson to wake up and he is still shook up from our last stunt but do we care?"
"DO WE HELL" Fumitory yelled from behind the camera.
Kai and Fumitory run into Tyson's and ambush him. They drag him tied up out of his room to the basement where he is laid on his front onto a table.
"there's no escape now sonny boy" Kai screeched locking the door.
"Kai calm down" Fumitory warned. Kai stuck his tongue out
"Cheeky little shit"
"I love you too Fumitory" Kai said smiling
"Nurse Kai! pass me the needles please"
"yes doctor Fumitory" Kai hands Fumitory a bag. "care to explain?" he asked
"Why the hell not? Ok I'm sick of Tyson sitting on his arse all day so I'm gonna put a stop to it."
"NOOOOOOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME YOU RETARDS!"
"SHUT UP SHE ISNT FINISHED EXPLAINING" Kai screamed hitting Tyson on the head.
"thank you Kai as I was saying what we've decided to do is get hold of one hundred needles from that idiot Judy and some anaesthetic so fifty empty needles are gonna go in each ass cheek of Tyson's and then one full of anaesthetic after the others so his ass is numb he wont be able to do anything but sit until that wears off and when it does his ass is gonna hurt like hell!"
"oh god why me?"
"because you're a lazy little shit who never does anything plus you skipped the training session me and Kai worked so hard on last month"
"you prats had us running around school in Easter bunny costumes!"
"it was beautiful and the best training session ever! Now hold still or one of these might accidentally on purpose end up in your eye" (Fumitory cackles)
Kai gets a close up of the fist needle going into Tyson's ass through his jeans then a close up of his face as he screams.
"OH GOD HELP!"
"WHATS GOING ON DOWN THERE… WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?..." Hillary called rattling the door handle.
Tyson started whimpering.
"Tyson? OH GOD Fumitory… Kai! YOU FUCKING RETARDS LET HIM GO!"
"And give us one good reason as to why we should!" Kai asked
"BECAUSE HE NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU PLUS IF YOU DON'T IL REMOVE THE E STRING FROM FUMITORY'S ELECTRIC GUITAR AND GAROTTE YOU WITH IT!"
"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrm no! Tyson is my prisoner and a silly little bitch like you isn't taking that away from me. Anyway you probably don't even know what garrotte means!" Fumitory screamed up the stairs
"OF COURSE I DO IT MEANS… ERM … IT MEANS…"
"TOLD YOU! DON'T USE WORDS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! TO GAROTTE SOMEONE IS TO STRANGLE THEM."
"I KNEW THAT!"
"Sure ya did!"
Hillary is heard storming off to get the others Fumitory and Kai continue their operation.
Camera cuts
Camera comes on filming a car boot sale camera turns round and films Kai, a lot of shouting is coming from one of the stalls.
"50p FOR A STAPLER! WHAT DO I HAVE JOEY WRITTEN ACROSS MY HEAD?"
"Sounds like the resident psycho has got herself in trouble…again… lets go watch" Kai turns the camera away from himself and finds Fumitory who is arguing with a middle aged man with a big nose.
"Come on kid give me a break it's a stapler and 50p really isn't much"
"Don't patronise me I was born in England I know about the pounds and pence currency!"
Kai decides its time to step in- "Fumey you really don't need to make a scene here were already banned from most public places"
"I don't care I won't to pay 50p for this shit"
"Oh just take the stapler and go this is no good for my blood pressure" said the man turning his back to them
"Woooooo! FREE STAPLER!" Fumitory shouted Triumphantly
(BIG sweat drop) "What is wrong with you Fumitory?"
"I have no life, no family, no brain, no sanity, no medication, no common sense, no sense at all, oh and max left his sugar within my reach! Need I go on?"
"It was a rhetorical question asshole"
"A what?"
"A question that doesn't need an answer"
"Then what's the point in asking it if you don't want it answered?"
"Never mind. What did you want the stapler for any way?" Fumitory grins insanely and Kai immediately regrets asking.
"Oh shit your not!"
"I am"
Max and Tyson are at another stall Fumitory sneaks up behind them screams and attacks clicking the stapler at their heads. But nothing happens she takes it away and clicks it a few times before opening the staple compartment. "WHO THE FUCK SELLS A STAPLER WITHOUT STAPLES!"
"If they're selling it to you? A smart person." said Tyson who was on his first day out of the house since Fumitory's last prank. He still looked like a chicken apart from the fact that the potion wasn't as strong as it should have been and was letting some of the feathers drop off, which pissed Fumitory off.
"Be careful Tyson she doesn't need anything but her hands to hurt you" Max said shuddering in remembrance of his multiple beatings.
"FUCK OFF" she said whacking both around the head. "Kai I'm bored lets go home now"
"ok then get in the car"
Max, Tyson, Fumitory and Kai run to the car.
"Where do you think your goin?"
"Home!" said Tyson
"not in our car your not" she said climbing in and locking the doors
"oh come on give us a rest please guys? I mean all week you've been really horrible and not had any mercy"
"Tyson look at this face" Kai said stonily "does it look like it cares?" they drove off leaving the two younger bladders in the dust."
Camera cuts
Me:I know boring not very funny but I don't care if you want something REALLY FUNNY check out the KaiRayRaykai productions they'll make you piss your pants and if they don't then somethings wrong with you!
Fumitory: I really wanted to do more but I got tired and I ran out of ideas for him im saving some for Ray that's gonna be the best!
Kai: I hate Ray
Tyson: (sniff) yeah but you hate everyone but not as much as me
Max: that's not true he looooooooooves Fumitory its obvious plus I caught him masturbating over her picture
Kai: you fucking liar Tate I'm gonna kill you! YOU FUCKIN' NANCY BOY YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!
Fumitory: (blushing)… the world has gone mad, finally I feel at Home
Ray: next time I make a request and I sincerely regret it!
Me: review and update!