Chapter 13 - Killing the warmth with more ice cold indifference
Usagi lay, curled up in her bed, replaying that day over and over in her head, the possibilities came up with every scenario – But, what if?What if I'd been able to help Rei?What if I hadn't recognised him?What if..? Oh, god, I don't know how I would've changed this day, so many things.. So, so many things went wrong.I just wish things hadn't turned out that way, why did he have to be Mamoru? Why couldn't he be someone I didn't care about, someone who would never impact upon my life? Why did he have to be the guy I once thought was 'the One'?

She lay there, contemplating, curled up within her doona, warm in so many respects, but cold in so many others; thoughts about Rei left her feeling cold all over, so cold inside, but she was warm, because for the first time in months, Usagi could feel something. She had suppressed those feelings for so long that she had become ice inside, any thought which may have had feelings attached had been discarded.

But now she felt, she felt so much that it hurt, all the pain which she had kept locked away was coming back to bite her in the arse, metaphorically speaking of course. This couldn't go on, the pain was much too much, she had to numb it, kill it the way she had before, through the things once expected of her. The clubbing, the one night stands, sometimes even the drugs, but especially the superficial friends; it seemed nothing had changed, or rather, by the end of this, nothing would have.

Usagi dragged herself out of the warm covers, pushing them away for use at another time, walking across the room and flinging open her closet, pulling out her skankiest outfit, the one which left nothing to the imagination, one which featured in more than one male wet dream. Pulling out her cell phone, she dialled Karu's number, quickly telling her to get Motoki, Yuki and to meet her outside within the half hour. Her sycophant agreed, obviously, and it was as though nothing had ever changed.It didn't take long for Motoki, Yuki and Karu to appear, as usual in Motoki's car, the look he gave her, however, was one of confusion, and he appeared to want to ask her a question.

Usagi brushed it off, jumping into the front seat, telling him to go to their usual club, Moonlight, she needed something new, or rather, someone new.And so the cycle started all over again, Usagi found herself on the dance floor once more, killing the warmth with more ice cold indifference; she went home with them, had sex, woke up next to them, and went home, lying to her parents again.

She woke up each morning and it hurt a little less, the pain a bit more dull, the cold slowly infiltrating each warm part of her soul, the death reaching further and further into her heart. Some day soon the warmth would be gone, and then, then things would be okay, and this would never have happened. Nothing ever changed and she could pretend that's how it really was.

Mamoru slammed his fist into the wall, over and over again, he'd let her get away, again.

"ARGH! This isn't fair! Fuck Usagi, for fuck's sake! Why do you have to be like that!" But he knew, he knew the effect his words had on her, what sort of an idiot tells a 14 year old girl that there's no such thing as love? His sort of idiot.

Mamoru's rage calmed, but his mind would not, could not; his words kept echoing throughout his mind – Love doesn't exist… never going to come true.. doesn't exist.

What had he done?

Two days later found Mamoru, drunk off his face, in his apartment; the dark haired man had done this each night since she had left, but the alcohol did nothing to deaden the words within his mind. The days saw him act as normal, but the nights were always this way; one of these days the alcohol would stop the pain, and then he could forget what he had said, all of this would go away.But he couldn't forget, he had been so hard with such a young, innocent girl, and couldn't believe he had been so stupid. Of all the idiotic, stupid and harmful things he could have done, this was the worst.

Wasn't it bad enough that he had spent every day for six months tormenting the girl about everything from her hairstyle to her diet?

Mamoru smirked darkly at himself in a mirror, "You know what they say Mamoru, hindsight is always 20/20."

Motoki was worried, to say the least; he didn't know what had happened between Usagi and Mamoru, but it was obviously very bad. They were both acting as if in a haze, their minds completely overtaken by an object. Usagi was clubbing again, finding men and going home with them, convincing Motoki to bring back their usual Wednesday meetings. Whereas Mamoru had taken to carrying a flask with him, wherever he went, never inebriated enough for most people to notice. Things were back to normal, but not the normal they had once known; something big had happened, and Motoki had to know want.

Something was deadly wrong here.

Mamoru sat at home another night, staring up at the ceiling, only two drinks into his evening, when he decided this was getting boring, and wasn't doing him any good. There was one thought that appealed to him, clubbing. He hadn't been since the night he had picked Usagi up, and surely his charms had not been lost since then. The alcohol was doing nothing to end his painful regret, so surely his old lifestyle could help; there had been a day when the numerous women had acted like a drug, killing any bitterness and pain he felt.It seemed the only thing the alcohol had done was remove his ability to think.

Mamoru knew he probably shouldn't drive, but that didn't stop him; nothing impressed women better than a fast car, after all. He found himself at a club a few districts over, known as 'Rave', and began the cycle all over again. Out onto the dance floor where he found an eager brunette, only too happy to come home with him, he brought her into his bedroom, where he proceeded to release all his frustrations about Usagi, over and over again.

She was gone in the morning, the brunette, for which he was grateful, and she had taken some of the pain with her, for which he was even more appreciative.So, the next night, he did it again, this time with a red head, who left the next morning, satisfied by her one night stands ability to keep going at it. He found a little more of the anguish gone with her too.

The weeks following fell into this pattern, not only for him but for Usagi too, so it was surely inevitable that one day they would meet again, for this is how they had met the first time. Mamoru knew it was a possibility, but by now he was so consumed with forgetting her that he was afraid even considering that she might appear one day would bring back the pain.

It appeared Usagi wasn't the only one who needed rescuing now…

Moonlight, that fateful bar where they had met for the first time in a year and a half, the place which caused them to reignite their relationship, though in a totally different manner; the place which would once again play host to their affairs.Usagi found herself sitting at a table, a glass of Midori in front of her, half drunk; Karu and Yuki were out on the dance floor, finding appropriate man whores for their nightly adventures. Motoki hadn't appeared tonight, saying he needed to spend some time with a male friend; Usagi hadn't questioned it at the time, but she wondered if that man was Mamoru.

Nah, Motoki wouldn't. He knows how I feel about him.

A man appeared behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist and whispering in her ear: "Hey baby, remember me? We had a bit of fun a few nights ago."

"I can't say that I do, maybe we can get… reacquainted?" Usagi teased, brushing her fingers over his arm.

The pain was almost gone these days, an almost distant reminder of days when things had been different. But her casual relationships with men fixed that, made it go away, almost. She found his mouth over hers, tongue exploring her lips and mouth roughly. Her hands ran up and down his back, touching and teasing, pulling and stroking. He pulled her tight to him, his hands reaching ever lower down her back. Usagi gasped as he nipped and kissed her neck, his hands reaching for areas she would rather were explored in private.

She pulled away flirtingly, "Now now, we can't have that.. here."

He grinned, and took her hand once more, leading her out of the bar and towards his apartment. They were only in the lift when he started again, hand reaching into her skirt."You can't… wait even a minute?" She managed to gasp out, pressed against the wall.

"No. I'll have you right here if I have to."Usagi shivered, something wasn't right about this situation, she hadn't felt like this with a man since, well since the unmentionable man. Her feelings were getting involved, but she didn't care, this felt good, too good to stop.They reached his floor and she once more found herself pressed up against a hard surface, this time his apartment door as he fumbled in his pocket for the keys.

It opened behind her and she found herself being led into his bedroom, yes the apartment did look somewhat familiar. Then Usagi was on the bed, her skirt and panties down around her ankles, his hand pushing into her, stroking and teasing. She gasped again, she hadn't felt like this in a long time. But she had no time to think, his mouth crushed into hers, bringing her into the waves of pleasure she once knew. He was gone, but only for a second, then he was inside her, fully this time, pumping as she screamed and moaned.

Then it was over, the wave upon wave of pleasure dying down, she relaxed, satisfied in body, but not in mind. Something wasn't right here. And it was him. Every time she turned around it was like he was there, but this time he actually was. She wanted to scream in frustration, but found herself too tired; her eyes drooped and she fell asleep, dreaming of those deep blue eyes.

Did I do good? The next chapter won't take nearly as long - I promise! I have ideas this time!

xx Usa