It took Leo a long time to fall asleep after he was ordered to his room.
He couldn't stop thinking about the turtle. He had felt so familiar, yet so alien at the same time that it was unnerving.
Leo lay in his bed trying to figure out the mystery that his brain refused to let go of.
It felt like he had been taught a lesson by Master Splinter, but he couldn't understand it no matter how he tried.
He fell asleep hours later with his shoulder aching and his head pounding.
He woke to his alarm set for morning practice and tied his mask around his eyes, grabbed his katanas, and went into the kitchen.
Even at the early hour, it wasn't unusual to find Mikey in the kitchen cooking up a storm, so Leo found it odd when he didn't find any traces of his youngest brother's presence in the room.
Huh. Now that he thought about it, he didn't hear Mikey in the Lair at all- which was definitely cause for concern considering that Mikey was the loudest of them even in sleep.
Leo was just about to go searching for his youngest brother when his father appeared in the doorway of the dojo.
His eyes were tired but narrowed in what could only be described as grief as he stood in the doorway, his hands gripping his walking stick rather tightly.
"Sensei?" Leo asked, unsettled to see his normally calm father so distraught.
"Leonardo, will you please come into the dojo? It seems we have much to discuss." His father requested with an unusually strained voice.
"Is everything alright, Sensei?" Leo demanded, worry growing in the pit of his stomach.
"Please, Leonardo." His father said, gesturing to the dojo entrance again, his voice firm and not allowing for any more questions.
Leonardo took the hint and quickly made his way into the dojo to see that his two brothers were already there.
Mickey was standing, jumping from foot to foot in nervous anticipation. Or maybe it was worry. His eyes kept flickering to his red banded brother beside him and to Leo and back again like he wanted to ask a question but wasn't sure if he should.
It was only when Leo took his place beside Raph that he got a good look at his usually tempermental brother.
It looked like the fire in Raph had been drenched out as he stood with his chin resting on his plastron, hands balled at his sides, a lost expression on his face and barely contained helplessness
Leo couldn't help but stare at him. He had looked fine before he took Casey home! What could have happened during that time to cause this?
"I believe that you have left out large portions of your story from last night, Leonardo." His father said, walking into the room. "Why don't you tell me again."
His father stopped in front of them, his eyes blazing with quiet fury.
"And leave nothing out this time."
Leo bowed his head in defeat and began to tell his father everything.
It took a lot of self convincing to force himself to describe their encounter with the strange unnamed turtle, to tell their Sensei how he had acted and what he had said.
Their father was quiet, his hands resting on his walking stick and his face unreadable.
Mikey had tried to interject the story with his own version of events:
"-the smoke was huge bro! It was like a giant cloud!"
"-and Leo and Raph were out so I started swinging with my sweet nunchucks like a pro-"
He would have continued if their Sensei hadn't demanded for silence.
Even Mikey, who was by no means perceptive, was able to understand that this was no time to test their father's patience and immediately quieted.
As he described last night's events, Leo couldn't help but allow his gaze to flicker to his red banded brother who hadn't changed in the slightest since he began.
"...and then we got back here and you saw the rest, Sensei." Leo finished, eyeing his immediate younger brother with concern.
"And you kept this information from me last night for what purpose, Leonardo?" His father asked, no detectable emotion in his voice.
Leo swallowed as Mikey glanced at him.
Leo bowed his head once more, but this time in shame.
"I- I knew what everyone was thinking." Leo murmered. "I didn't want you to think that it was..."
Leo couldn't finish his explenation without loosing his self control. He glanced up to look at his father's face, still completely emotionless. He felt that he owed it to his father to explain why he had disrespectfully lied the night before.
"I didn't want to plant thoughts in anyone's heads." Leo explained quietly.
"It's him, Leo."
Leo jerked his head toward the voice, expecting it to have come from his youngest brother- who was constantly coming up with 'what iff's' about their brother being alive- but the voice wasn't excited or elated or spoken in an 'I told you so' tone. It was hushed, and gruff as if the speaker had been crying, which made it all the more surprising to Leo to realize that his red banded brother had spoken them.
Oh not you too, Leo thought.
Usually it was Mikey that Leo had to constantly remind that their brother was gone. He had to say it in the gentlest way that he could, and carefully explain that he wasn't coming back.
Raph would leave the room and spend the rest of the day pummeling the poor punching bag into oblivion and when he would come out again, he would go topside to let his pent up rage out on anyone who dared commit a crime in the nearby vicinity.
Usually, Leo never had to dissuade his immediate younger brother from these types of thoughts. Raph was never the hopeful type, or the one to spend his days like Mikey thinking about impossible possibilities.
"Raph, please." Leo sighed. He couldn't do this right now. "We both know-"
It was at this moment that Raphael's signature anger came pouring out like a dam, though Leo wasn't sure if this was aimed at him or his fury at the Foot that had settled in him since their father had sat them all down and explained everything to them.
"No, Leo, we don't know anything!" Raph growled, then his voice turned uncharacteristically frantic. "I saw him, Leo, I saw him."
Leo heaved another sigh.
"Raph, we all saw the turtle. We all did. But you know that-"
"We never found him, Leo!" Raph cut his older brother off before he could finish his statement. "Never! For all we know-"
But the leader in blue was done with the 'what iff's' this time. If they had come from their baby brother then maybe Leo could have tolerated it. He was used to his youngest brother trying to hold onto hope, but hearing his usually realistic brother start spurring off fantasies as well sent Leo over the edge.
"He's dead!" Leo yelled. "He's dead and has been for eleven years! So stop trying to bring him back to life with your delusions. Let the dead stay dead."
As soon as the words left the leader's mouth, he wished he could take them back.
If the sound of his baby brother trying to hold back tears weren't enough, the sorrowful look on his father's face and the visible flinch from his red banded brother sufficed to burden the leader with guilt.
"I- I'm sorry, everyone." Leo immediately apologized. He turned to Mikey, who's eyes were brimming with unshed tears, and put a comforting hand on his youngest brother's shoulder. "I'm really sorry, Mikey."
Their orange banded brother's sniffles were the only noise until Raph broke it with uncharacteristic quietness.
"But I did see him, Leo."
The leader in blue had to summon all of his patience in order to not scream. Why couldn't they just stop?
"Raph, not now. Please, not now." Leo muttered, turning to glare at his immediate younger brother.
"Leo-" Raph's tone was edging on dangerous but his older brother didn't care.
"No, Raph. Not now."
"Karai called him Donatello!" Raphael yelled. "She called him Donatello! Explain that!"
Silence reigned supreme for an indefinite amount of time. The words, "She called him Donatello!" warring in everyone's heads.
Donatello.
The name of their brother long dead was rarely spoken in the Lair but for very rare circumstances. The name of the brother that Leonardo had failed to protect hit him as kindly as if someone had stabbed him in the gut.
The Fearless leader had no words, his tongue was frozen in his mouth as was the rest of him as he stared at Raphael.
"I- I was taking Casey home and I saw him running on a rooftops and I chased after him. I was still mad about Mikey and- and I ran at him. Karai told him to come and he didn't listen. She called him Donatello, Leo." Raph's eyes, unnaturally pleading-like, searched his. "Do you still think I'm crazy?"
"S- Sensei?" Leonardo couldn't help but stutter the word, wanting to know his father's thoughts but not wanting to at the same time.
"I am not sure what to make of this discovery, my sons, and I do not have the answers you seek." Their Sensei answered carefully. "I will meditate on the issue, and no one is to make any advancement or leave the Lair until they are given my permission."
"Sensei?" Leo's voice was unusually quiet and tentative. The shocking announcement from his red banded brother had sufficed to sap every ounce of confidence from the 'fearless' leader. "What exactly happened?"
Their father hesitated, not wanting to upset his children any more than they already were, but feeling that he owed an entire explenation of that night to them as well.
"The four of you were five, and I'd yet to find us a home adequate enough for us to stay for more than a few days at a time. This was in part because of Saki's continuous searches for me. They were never very far behind us and so I had to keep us on the move. The four of you were resting one night when I sensed that they were close. I roused you four and led us away..."
Leo, Mikey, and Raph could remember that night all too well. It was their first encounter with the Foot, and the last time they had seen Donatello. They had been chased half through the night in the sewers by Shredder's ninja, barely a step ahead, when their Sensei found the Lair only to realize that two of his children missing.
Leo remembered that night was uncanny percision.
Leonardo barely heard Master Splinter's explanation as the memory of being lost in the sewers with his second youngest brother invaded his mind without permission.
He and Donnie had slowed behind their father and, without realizing it, had gotten separated from the rest of their family. Leo had made Donnie stop and wait for their father to return, certain that he would soon realize and come back for them. They would have stayed there longer but the sounds of heavy pursuit forced them to reconsider. They ran blindly from the unfamiliar foes, going deeper into the unfamiliar terrain than they knew they were supposed to, just wanting to loose the persistant followers. They had stopped to rest for only a moment to catch their breath when it happened.
Leo had seen the arrow just before it was pulled and yanked his brother away on instinct, not knowing at the time that he had just stepped into the arrow's line of fire. The arrow pierced his plastron and sent him flying back.
Leo had never known pain like that before. At the time, the only major injury he had received was from a nasty burn from grabbing the wrong side of a pot of boiling tea.
Their father had wrapped a towel with cream on his hand and his brothers had crowded around him asking about his injury.
The arrow felt nothing like that.
Leo could still remember the searing white hot pain that the arrow caused, worse than any burn he had ever experienced.
Leo's first instinct had been to pull the thing out, but Donnie's small hand had stopped him and pulled him even further into the sewers, away from their attacker.
Leo managed to stay conscious due to the need to get his younger brother away at all costs, and so he stayed in sound mind enough to find them a small tunnel that neither of them had seen before to rest in.
Donnie had untied both his and Leo's masks to apply to the arrow wound, telling Leo in his small squeaky voice that they would be alright. Leo had no idea where Donny had learned the first aid at such a young age, but he reckoned that his younger brother's knowledge probably saved his life.
It wasn't long before they heard the sounds of their pursuers closing in on them. Leo knew, even at that age, that they would be in major trouble if they stayed where they were at. Leo could barely move without having to lean on his younger brother, which in turn slowed them both down.
Leo was about to tell his little brother to go and try to find their father, figuring that Donnie would stand a better chance if he left him in the tunnel, when his younger brother told him to keep pressure on the wound, and ran.
At first, Leo thought that Donnie had been thinking along the same lines as him until he heard his brother shouting, drawing their attackers away.
That was the last time that he had ever seen their brother before he died.
The all too familiar guilt was eating at his gut, devouring him from the inside. It was a feeling that the leader in blue knew well.
"That night, after I found Leonardo, I searched for your brother."
Leo vaguely realized that he had missed a large chunk of his Sensei's story but tried to listen attentively now.
"I searched for eleven days and found nothing of your brother's whereabouts." Their Sensei continued. "On the twelfth day, I knew that your brother was gone."
This was usually the point that their father would have to comfort Mikey- no matter how many times that he had heard the story- and keep Raph in the lair to keep from going topside and doing something that he would later regret. Afterward, when things had settled down, their Sensei would call Leo into his room and gently remind him that he wasn't at fault for any of it.
The brothers had never asked for elaboration on that day. They had never wanted to cause their father any more pain by dragging that night out again. But this time, their father didn't stop at that part of the story.
"During those eleven days, I began to make this Lair our home. In the day, I would care for you three and organize our new home. At night, I would search the sewers and even in the city for your brother. When I wasn't doing this, I was in the spiritual plain, searching for his presence." Their father's voice had become emotionless, his expression stoic.
Leo thought that this might be the only way their father would be able to tell the story was if he hid his emotions.
"I could still feel your brother's presence and so I knew that he was alive. At the time, I hoped that he had merely gotten lost." A bitter edge had crept into Master Splinter's voice but when he next spoke, it was well hidden. "On the twelfth day, his presence dissapeared from the spiritual plain and I knew that he was gone."
No one knew how to respond to their father's explanation.
"But Raph said he saw him." Came Mikey's meek response, so full of hope that it nearly brought Leo to tears.
"If he dissapeared from the spiritual plain, then he's gone." Leo said bluntly, wanting to disparge any more ridiculous thoughts before they could take root. He would already have to do enough damage control as it was, and he wanted to stop this before it could get worse.
"I know what I heard." Raph growled, apparently unfazed by their father's story which had been so obviously told to disparge such conversations. "I know what Karai said."
Leo let out an aggravated growl of fustration but before he could voice his argument, his father spoke, shocking them all.
"If what Raphael says is true, Leonardo, then it would be a remarkable coincidence that this unknown turtle were to have your brother's name." Splinter said, taking on a gentle tone, as he would when speaking to Mikey after something bad had happened. "Perhaps... Perhaps I have been mistaken."
Three shocked stares looked back at him, too startled to give voice to the questions of what their father meant.
"Perhaps somehow I was misled on purpose." Their father continued. "I will meditate on this matter but none of you are to leave the Lair until I give my permission. Understood?"
The three turtles were so shell-shocked that the feeble "Hai, Sensei" they managed barely made it to the rat's ears.
Even in Leonardo's dazed state, the obvious grief that clung to their father was as visible to him as Mikey's grin when he was trying to wait for them to find his newest prank that he had laid for them.
Leo felt the grief abruptly turn to anger, directed primarily at his red banded brother.
Why did he have to do this in front of Sensei? Was it not obvious to Raphael that he still mourned? That every 'what if' that they had come up with since childhood was like a stab to the heart for their father, who obviously felt responsible for his son's early demise?
This was exactly why Leonardo hadn't told their father the truth! This exactly!
Leo was about to tell his immediate younger brother off when he saw the unmistakable residue of tears on both of his brother's cheeks.
Leonardo sighed and pushed his anger away, already realizing that it was misdirected, and focused on his grieving brothers.
Always the most emotional of the family, Michelangelo was a sobbing mess. His eyes were red and puffy, his shoulders sagged with a weight none of them could see but could all feel.
Leo moved toward him and took his baby brother in his arms, consoling him in exactly the same way that he always would.
In between the hitched sobs, Leo could hear his youngest brother saying the same thing over and over again.
"I told you." He choked out, his voice almost unnervingly happy. "I told you. I always told you."
As if rubbing salt in their grieving wounds weren't enough, Mikey now appeared thoroughly convinced that their dead brother had risen again.
Great. Just great.
Leo bit back his retort, knowing that he would be dismissed as being negative until Sensei backed him up. And Leo was certain that Sensei would do just that, so he would do the most damage control right now and play it by ear until Sensei came out of meditation.
So for now, Leo simply held his baby brother and listened to him repeat himself almost to the point that he sounded like he was begging.
Raph was silent beside them, making no move to console their baby brother except for the hand squeezing his shoulder. No words of comfort. Nothing.
Not that the red banded turtle was the most expressive of the brothers- not by a long shot- but he would usually at least mutter a few choice words to their brother when he was like this. Maybe he had finally realized what a mess he had just started.
Leo ignored his immediate younger brother and focused on calming Mikey down as best he could. When his sobs had subsided, Leo gently pulled him up and made their way to his bedroom.
Mikey looked like a little kid- which admittedly is how the family saw him much of the time- covered in Leo's blankets, trying to find peace enough to sleep.
"Leo,"
It was the first word that his brother had spoken since Sensei had left the dojo.
Leo groaned, not in the mood for continuing the conversation.
"Not now, Raphael." If it wasn't obvious from the tone of dismissal in Leo's voice, the hand held palm out to his brother let him know that Leo's patience was wearing thin.
For once, for whatever reason, Raph actually listened to him and took a few steps back, out of the room and into the hallway. He did not make another sound.
For a moment, Leo was satisfied with his obvious leadership skills. Now if he could just get his temperamental brother to listen all the time, life would be great.
Well, no, not great. The pang of remorse that hit the leader was not unexpected, but rattled him nonetheless.
When Leo was certain that his youngest brother was fast asleep, he stood and walked into the hallway, closing his bedroom door behind him.
Leo had forgotten all about his other brother until he spoke.
"Wanna talk now, Fearless?" Raph growled, clearly not pleased with being dismissed.
"No." The response was curt and sharp and true. This was a conversation that he never wanted to have. Ever.
"Well too bad, 'cause we're havin' it." Raph responded gruffly. "Are you really telling me that you won't even consider the possibility that our brother is alive?"
"No, Raph, I won't." Leo said back, making sure to keep his voice low as not to wake Sensei from his meditation. Every turtle knows that waking Sensei when he's in deep meditation unless someone is dying is a one way ticket to punishment, and Leonardo really didn't feel like spending two hours doing backflips.
"And I'm not going to tolerate you coming up with these ridiculous theories about our brother suddenly showing up." Leo finished with a level glare aimed at his brother.
"Theories?" Raph repeated, his voice growing in volume. "How is it a theory when I heard her say his name, Leo? Tell me that one!"
"Keep your voice down." Leo hissed. "And do you not see what this is doing to Sensei? Or Mikey? Why would you put them though this?"
Raph's hands were clenched into fists so tightly that the skin was more pale white than green.
"Well excuse me, Fearless Leader, for thinking that our father deserved to know that his son wasn't dead. How inconsiderate of me."
A small growl slipped through Leo's teeth before he could bite it back.
"That's just it, Raph. You weren't thinking!" Leo snapped. "Did you ever stop to consider that maybe Karai was toying with you? That she was trying to throw you off, throw us all off?"
When his brother didn't respond, Leo took the moment to compose himself and the words that came after we're but a murmmer.
"He. Is. Dead." Leo made sure his brother could hear every syllable as he spoke. "Let the dead stay dead, Raphael, and forget this fantasy of yours."
Leo began down the hall heading toward the dojo, thinking that meditation would do him some good, when his brother finally found his voice.
"Just 'cause you feel guilty doesn't mean you're not allowed to hope, Leo. You know that don't you?"
The words were quiet, almost gentle in a way that he had never heard Raph speak. And yet, the words still caused him to feel that weight, that pang in his stomach.
The leader could think of nothing to retort to that, and instead continued toward the dojo.
Sitting himself into a lotus position, the leader cleared his mind just like their father had taught them.
But no matter what he did, all his mind wanted to focus on was Donatello. He couldn't stop thinking about the brother that they had lost, the brother that he had failed.
Gah- why did this have to happen? How many times over the years has this situation played out? Maybe not exactly like this, but darn close to it. One of his brothers- mainly Mikey- would come up with some grand theory that he would take to heart and become convinced that the rest of the family was wrong. And yet, he couldn't remember the last time that Raph had dared to voice those same opinions. Had he always thought it, or had this event just rattled him?
Since it had happened, Leo could count on his fingers- and granted that he had only three on each hand- the number of times that Raph had voiced a 'what if' scenario, and even then, it hadn't happened since they were young.
Leonardo on the other hand had never voiced such things, never even thought them because he knew that it was a ridiculous path to take. Donatello was dead, why didn't the others seem to understand that? Maybe it was because only Leonardo had heard his brother's scream before he spoke no more. The others had to hear it from their Sensei after Leo had forced the words from his mouth. Leo had known, right then and there, that his brother was dead.
But if Sensei felt his presence leave the spiritual plane after twelve days, that only begged the question of what exactly happened that Leo hadn't seen or heard.
Could Sensei have been right in his assumption that Donatello had gotten lost after the chase, managed to evade the Foot, and then twelve days later died of starvation or dehydration?
If that were true, then Leonardo had plenty of time that he could have been searching for his brother. What if he had done just that? What if he had ran after Donatello, would he still be alive?
"My son, your thoughts appear to be anything but peaceful."
Leonardo's eyes snapped open to meet his father, who was sitting opposite of him, kind eyes staring at him intently.
Leo didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to breach the subject that so obviously needed to be had. How do you even start such a thing?
I know Raph gave you some false hope about your son, but he's full of sewer trash. Yeah, Leo was certain that would go over well.
"My son, I sense the unease in you." His father said. "You still blame yourself."
It wasn't a question or an accusation, simply a fact.
Leo bowed his head, unable to meet his father's gaze.
What if he had looked with their father? What if he hadn't let his brother run off?
"My son, you have been blaming yourself since the day it first happened. And despite my continued assurances, you have done it ever since."
Throat thick with emotion, Leo managed to answer his father's unspoken question.
"It was my fault, Sensei. None of you were there, only me and him. I- I failed him, father. He died because I couldn't protect him."
"Do you know why I put you in charge of your brothers, designated you their leader?"
The unexpected question had Leo shaking his head, unable to form a vocal answer.
"It is because even at a young age, you have seen the necessity of keeping your brothers safe and have done so admirably. You know what it is like to carry the burden of responsibility." His father answered kindly.
"I didn't keep him safe." Leo argued, refusing to allow his father to ignore the fact this time.
"Leonardo, do you see that scar?" His father motioned to the scar that he had received from the arrow wound, the one that never fully healed over his skin.
Leo nodded his confirmation. How could he not?
"That shows me that you did try to protect your brother. You took a wound meant for him and when you could go no further through the sewers, he led them away." His father had a thoughtful, yet sad expression on his face. "You four have always tried to protect one another, even when you were only sick, you tried to crowd around each other to make sure that no harm would come to them."
Silence reigned in the dojo before Leonardo finally broke it.
"I just want to know what happened." Leo found himself saying.
He wanted to know why his brother had died twelve whole days after he had led the Foot away. Why it had happened at all.
"I believe that is becoming apparent in both of your brothers as well, and I will confess, I too wish to know the answer." His father admitted. "Which is why I will ask that you look into it."
Leo finally looked up at his father, eyes wide.
"What do you mean?"
"This has been eleven years too long in the making, my son. This family requires some much needed peace, and that will only come from the complete knowledge of that night. Only then will this family have closure."
Leo swallowed. He had been the one to wonder what had happened. But what if he didn't like what he found? But if this was what gave everyone closure, how could he refuse?
Leo bowed his head to the dojo floor.
"We will find out the truth, father." Leo vowed, his forehead still touching the floor.
"Thank you, my son." Sensei said.
Leonardo bowed before standing up and walking to the dojo doors, closing them softly behind him.
He took a deep breath before walking past his room, where Mikey's snores were bouncing off the walls, and to Raph's room.
He gave one knock before stepping back, just in case his volatile brother was still angry.
The door opened a moment later to reveal a very grumpy looking Raphael, not that this was out of character for him. In fact, this was actually one of his better moods. Raphael grumpy was Michelangelo's equivalent to bouncing off the walls with joy.
"What is it, Fearless?'' Raph grunted, arms crossed over his plastron in a show of impatience.
Leo didn't know how to ease into it, so instead of explaining to Raph what they needed to do, he instead blurted out,
"Sensei wants us to find out what happened." Leo saw Raph's expression change to surprise, then suspicion.
"What?" Raph said, his voice lacking it's usual fury.
"That night." Leo added hastily. "He wants us to find out what happened that night."
Instantly, annoyance took over Raph's expression.
"Yeah, Fearless, I could figure that part out for myself." Raph rolled his eyes. "How?"
The plan that Leo had already been making in his head began to shift together.
"We start with the Purple Dragons. The Foot get a lot of recruits from the Purple Dragons, and I'll bet you one of them knows about a walking talking turtle in the Foot's ranks." Leo said.
"Good." Raph grunted in rare approval. "let's go."
Leo put a hand on his immediate younger brother's plastron to keep him from blowing past him.
"It's still light out, Raph. Let's wait until sundown and then we'll drag Mikey with us." Leo said.
Raph looked like he wanted to argue but wisely kept his mouth closed and nodded.
As far as Raph was concerned, this was one step closer to finding their brother. But the thought of being wrong, of going after the information only to be told of his death seemed so wrong that he almost spoke his hesitation.
"Raph, you know that we aren't going to find anything good, don't you?" Leo asked.
For a moment, Raph didn't answer.
"At least we'll know." He finally muttered.
Finally they agreed on something.
I'm not sure if anyone is really going to read this story but if you do, please let me know what you think or what I can improve! Also, I'm thinking of changing the name, so if you have any ideas I'd love to hear them!