Chapter 4 - Reflections on the Past

"So... rather early for him to go to bed don't you think? You got any ideas what's going on?"

"No more than yesterday, Sam. You?"

"I haven't got anything more from him since the walk. It's got something to do with Dad. There's been no unexplained mail has there?"

"No."

"Phone calls?"

"None."

"I wish I could check his cellphone see if he's called Dad. That might be it. I thought he was over him though. He's definitely worrying about something to do with him."

The older man agreed grimly before adding, "You know why we had take-out? Because he stood looking in the fridge for more than ten minutes and couldn't even tell me what was in there, let alone what he could make from it. It's not like him, well not lately anyway. He's improved so much. Maybe it's just a bit of a relapse, what do you think? A set-back? Maybe the pressure at school is just too much at the minute. We could ease up on him, see what happens."

"We could but I really don't think it's that. Something tells me that it's Dad, but I can't work out how."

"You said he was worried about your Mom as well. What was it he said exactly?"

"He seems to think she'd be disappointed in him for stuff he's done in the past and for cutting Dad off now."

"What did you say to that?" Bobby knew that Sam was not always as tactful as he could be when it came to concerns like this of Dean's .

"Just that unless her priorities were as screwed up as Dad's he'd got nothing to worry about." Bobby knew it probably wasn't the nicest way to say it, but it was true enough.

"I wish I'd known your Momma."

"I wish we knew someone who did. Someone who could point him in the right direction. It's like everything about when we were kids, his perspective is completely skewed. I've got no idea what it was really like."

"You've got to bear in mind, Sam, he was only 4 when she died. What do you remember about being 4?"

"Nothing, I don't think I remember anything particularly from then."

"So he remembers bits because when she died, subconsciously he knew that that was it. There were going to be no new memories, nothing to add to it, nothing to replace it. But remember he was just a baby then too, he didn't understand a lot of what he saw, he didn't know it was going to be important, he didn't know how your Daddy was going to change or even himself. He took on a huge responsibility then, something no-one could have imagined. He tried to show you who she was and how she wanted your life to be. He didn't want you to miss out on her love so he tried to show you how it would have been. Just think what he faced to do that. It wasn't just that your momma and your home went. He lost all the friends, the life, everything he'd known to that point. He had to try and make what he tought he'd learnt apply to your new situation but how could he ever have known what she would want. He's lived his life trying to make her and your Dad proud."

Sam realised he'd never looked at his brother's attempts to recreate their family like that, he'd seen it as wasted effort, dwelling in the past. From his position of being secure with the knowledge that his brother would always be there looking out for him, he'd never worried long about what he'd missed. His resentment of his father stemmed from his father's attitude, he had no memory of his father being different to the man he was now. Dean had known and had spent his life trying to repair the damage done by the demon. Sam felt sorry for the times he had criticised Dean's obsession with the past as he was presented with some insight into the motivation behind it. "Why? Why couldn't he just let her go?"

"He couldn't. What would he have had then?"

"He'd have still had me, like I had him."

"Sam, as a child, he loved you with every fibre of his being, there was nothing he wouldn't have done for you. I knew that the first time I met you both. I don't think it's changed that much for him. But then, you were his little baby brother. He had to look out for you, look after you, teach you right from wrong. You couldn't be what he needed. He needed someone to do those things for him. He needed someone to show him right from wrong, how to make decisions. He needed someone to tell him off when he was bad and someone to praise him when he did well or even when he just tried hard."

"He certainly got enough tellings-off from Dad."

"Not at the right times though. Not when he deserved them."

"What do you mean, not when he deserved them? Dad was always laying into him."

"Okay... when Dean was about 9, he got into trouble at school for bullying some other kids. School called your Daddy in but he just thought it was funny. Afterwards, he said it showed Dean would make a good hunter, he could find the weak point of what he was hunting."

"So what happened? Why did Dean do that? I don't remember him ever really being cruel."

"I'd have to guess why he did it, but with hindsight, I think it was a cry for help, he needed someone to notice him and he was moving school so often at that stage, teachers barely even knew his name."

"So what changed? I don't remember him getting into trouble like that?"

"Your Daddy went hunting with Daniel Elkins: vampires. They were going to be gone for two or three months so rather than leave you on your own, you stayed with Pastor Jim. It was another new school for Dean. He started picking on this one kid. I remember coming up to see Jim the week he was called in to the school to deal with it. He was horrified at Dean's reaction to being in trouble, so he came down hard on him. Jim grounded him, gave him extra chores, made him help other parishioners, and in the end he helped Dean make friends with the kid he'd been bullying. Dean lapped up the attention he got every time he did something right. By the time your Daddy got back, Dean was a different child. He knew how to direct his energy, looked out for kids who were being bullied and helped them, took the bullies down a peg or two. Even more important, if he ever wanted to know what was the right thing to do, he spoke to Jim. Jim's opinion became his guiding star when he couldn't fathom what your Dad wanted."

"I never had Dean pegged as the religious type."

"It had nothing to do with the religion and everything to do with the time, the interest, the parenting that Jim was willing to do. The mistake I think Jim made was in saying to Dean things like, 'Your momma would have liked that.' or 'That would let your momma's memory down.' It was good because Dean still needed to know that she would love him but it seems to have left him with a misguided needed to get things right for her. Now he hasn't got her and he hasn't got Jim."

"So why has it never been a problem for me? I never played up at school and stuff like that."

"You didn't need the attention. You had someone teaching you about right and wrong, telling you to try hard, praising you for doing well or just trying. Dean did all that for you."

"I guess. I never really thought about it, but he was always there for everything I asked. He got a real crap deal, didn't he?"

"But on the whole, he came out okay."

"So did Pastor Jim know Mom?"

"I don't think so. I think he just used to make assumptions about what she would have wanted. Tried to balance out your Dad, I suppose."

"So what do we do about Dean now?"

"Just keep watching I suppose. Wait and see what happens."