Choices

Chapter 7 - A Choice Needs to be Made

It's been a waste of everyone's time my being here this morning. Even Mark, who's ever the optimist, said almost as much, before sending me packing from our session, suggesting that I spend some time on my own working because, despite his help and how much I usually enjoy his sessions, my heart really isn't in it today.

It's the end of the morning and I've hung back as long as I can. I'm already twenty minutes late and I can find no excuse left to stay behind. Mark is watching as I have packed and repacked my bag. He's on the phone but I see him hang up and start across as if to talk to me, I grab my bag and hoist it on to my shoulder before heading out through the door. I've barely opened the door when I see him parked glaring at the bottom of the steps. This is going to be one hell of an argument when I tell him about my injury and that at least for the minute hunting is out of the question.

"Hi Dad. I'm sorry I got delayed. You okay? Where are you staying? Somewhere near here?" I can hear myself babbling.

"Shut up and get in the fucking car. You're late and I've got better things to do than sit here waiting for you."

"I thought maybe we could go to the diner across the road to talk."

"What makes you think there's time to waste? I have a hunt planned so where is your stuff? I have delayed long enough waiting for you."

"Dad. We agreed to meet for a chat. Not to me coming with you. It's not good timing right now for me to be coming on a hunt with you."

"Cut the crap, Dean and get in the car."

"No, sir." I can feel the panic rising in me. I've been weeks without an attack now but I don't know if I can hold it together in the face of his anger.

"No sir?" his voice is cold, his eyes hard and I feel as if cascading waves of anger are hitting me and forcing me under. "You think we're playing a game, boy? Get in the car, before I get out and get you. You want a scene? You always were an attention-seeking little bastard."

I stumble back from the car and up the first of the steps to the centre. "Dean!" I can feel every ounce of his disapproval in the one word. My breathing is all over the place, I know I've got to do something to get the situation under control before I lose it completely.

"Dad, please. I can't hunt..."

"You can hunt, you're just selfish enough to leave me to do it alone. Do you realise I've lost track of the demon again because of your ineptitude, your weakness. You owe it to me to be alongside me now."

"But Sam..."

"You spoilt him. He's not a soldier. He's not like you Dean. Now do you want to leave me to face this alone. I could die you know. How would you feel then?"

"I... I... Dad... I can't..."

"Get in the car." He opens the car door and comes towards me.

"No." I retreat up another step, I know now for certain in a way I had never been so sure of I don't want to be with him. I am willing to give him up to keep what I've got. Sam's right, but I want him to understand I want... I realise that what I want can never happen, we can't part on good terms.

"Dean!" There is no love, no care, no consideration in his voice. I am nothing more than a tool.

"Dean!" I look towards the new voice. "I'm glad I caught you, I was worried I'd missed you." As he speaks, Mark comes down the steps and stands between Dad and I, never even acknowledging him. "I need you to look at something for me. There's a bit of confusion over some paperwork, can you give me a hand now? It'll only take a minute." As he speaks, I am vaguely aware that he has taken my elbow and turned me back toward the building again.

I go with him up the steps, glad to have an excuse to escape. I look back over my shoulder and know it's over between us. I've found a life I want to keep and that wanting him to be a part of it isn't going to happen. I'm okay with that. I can actually say that I can move on, I don't need him to be a part of my life. I've got what I need: Sam and friends. Walking beside Mark I realise for the first time in years, it's what I've got: friends. Bobby, obviously; Rosie, she may be Sam's girlfriend but we get on well, Mark, Rachel and my classmates. For the first time I am part of a community, not just the education centre but the town as well. I chat with old men in bars, women in the mall. I sit in the diner and pass the time of day with the customers and staff. They know I'm Dean, they know I was in that car crash but it doesn't matter because they know that and then they take the time to get to know me.

I look at Dad and hear him say "Dean!" again, expecting an immediate reaction. I shake my head and say "Sorry" to him for the last time. There is a lifetime wrapped up in that one word, a lifetime I'm stepping away from, a life that is over. I look into his eyes and see nothing, they are cold and empty. "It's over, don't come back for me."

As I look away, I know that the Dad I have lived for all these years, died in the fire with Mom. The shell that was left has gradually replaced the love and happiness with the need for revenge and from that has grown hatred. For the first time, I can pity him but know that I have done as much as I could do for him, but no more. It's over now.

I don't look back again. I head into the building with Mark. I remember the positive feeling I had the day I decided going back to school was the right thing to do. Today's feeling is better. I feel as if, for the first time in years, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am free to move on. I feel as if I can lay the ghost of Mom to rest. I do want to hunt again, but not for it to be the sole purpose of being alive. I will also hunt the demon that killed Mom and Jess because I do want it all to be over. But I will never hunt with him again.