Choices

Chapter 9 - The Future starts here

It's been more than five months since Dad left and things are so much better than before. I'm glad Dean knew it was time to finish it. I've wanted to ask him what made him decide in the end but sometimes I think it's safer not asking; it leaves it in the past where it belongs.

The changes in our lives since that day have been positive overall. At first I think both Dean and I were waiting for the other shoe to drop, but now we just take the rough with the smooth and plod onwards.

I look at Dean and he seems so different. He is leaning out against the porch railings chatting and laughing with Bobby as he waits for a lift. His easy laughter is back, and while at times he can still be sarcastic, I have noticed how often he uses a gentler humour.

As the pain from his injury vanished, his confidence reappeared and now he is healthy again and, I think, happy. When Dad left, Dean's chest began to heal properly, the pain waned and now it has faded back to just another scar. It was almost as if the unresolved situation was stopping the healing. Once Dean accepted it was over then he truly began to heal.

I am still working at the bookstore and things are going well with Rosie. I am even meeting her parents this weekend.

Dean got his school diploma nearly three months ago now and went straight on to studying for further exams. He is looking into distance learning for a degree but doesn't seem sure whether it's what he wants. He still works part time for Bobby and has managed to pick up plenty of other work fixing things. He's always been good with his hands and seems to be able to repair a multitude of things. It doesn't seem to matter whether he needs carpentry skills, building skills or whether it's something electronic, he can fix it. He spends a lot of time with Rachel although they both deny that they are 'going out together' and are happy as 'just friends'. I suspect there is more to it but is something new for him so I figure it's better if I don't push! She's nothing like Cassie, who's probably his only other attempt at a long-term relationship. She is gentle, nurturing but with a wicked sense of humour. Between her working at the centre and her kids, it's not often the two of them get a proper night out. Rosie offered to look after the kids tonight so the two of them are off out. Dean can drive again now but hasn't yet replaced the Impala, he tends to fit his schedule around other people and just gets a lift when he needs one. He occasionally borrows my car or Bobby's truck but doesn't seem to be in a rush to get his own.

We went on a hunt for the first time last weekend. It was strange but it felt right. It was a haunting. The three of us went and it was simple. Even though the dynamic was different and new, it worked well. It's the nearest I've seen Dean to a panic attack since Dad's visit as he swung from worrying about whether we were prepared, did we know enough, how was he going to protect us both, to remembering past hunts that had gone wrong. He was a nightmare to live with for the week running up to us going. I'd have really lost it with him, if it weren't for Bobby. Listening to him calm Dean and reason with him, deflate his fears, point out the changes in how we would work, helped us both I think. I walked in to hear Bobby say to Dean, "You know your Dad was wrong. You always protected Sam fine and you'll do fine in the future. You know not to listen to what he said."

"I know."

"Dean, the difference is you're not on your own anymore. Sam's old enough to look out for himself, me and you. I'm there too. We'll all look out for each other."

I remember Dad's accusations that Dean had never protected me well enough and realise that much as we've moved on from that time, some things will come back to haunt us time and again and this is one of those times. My patience with him is renewed and in the end, we survived both the week and the hunt injury free.

I don't know what, if anything, Dean has told Rachel about the hunting. He did tell Cassie and it ended badly for him, even after she experienced it for herself. I didn't tell Jess. I have decided to this time with Rosie, I don't want any secrets.

I give Dean a lift to Rachel's, having suggested to Rosie that I hang out and help with the kids, get us take out once they're in bed. I figure we can chat on neutral ground.

When we arrive, two of the kids come running out excitedly shouting, "Uncle Dean, Uncle Dean." He's barely out of the car, when the youngest has jumped into his arms. Dan dissolves into the giggles as Dean tickles him. His brother, CJ is walking beside them with a frown.

"What's the problem, CJ?" Dean asks.

"He should grow up. He's such a baby always jumping up on you like that," answers the six year old, in all seriousness.

Dean smiles, winks at Dan as he passes him to me, putting his finger to his lips to tell Dan to be quiet. He shrieks with delight and giggles again attempting to bury his head in my shoulder to hide the noise. Meanwhile Dean has CJ in his arms and is tickling him as he squirms and laughs.

"So too old for this now, big guy huh?"

"Stop!"

"You too grown up?"

"Yeah," he says before throwing his arms around Dean's neck. "I missed you, Uncle Dean. You going to help me with my math homework?"

"Not tonight. How about I come by tomorrow?"

"Can't you do it now?"

"I have an appointment. Remember we spoke about appointments."

"When you say you'll meet someone and you have to do it."

"That's right. Look." The two of them have reached the steps to the house and Dean sets CJ down and fishes out a small diary from his pocket. The two of them sit on the step and Dean opens the diary and shows CJ his appointment.

"It's with Momma. That's okay, Momma can wait, it'll be fine."

"No. Remember appointments have to be kept unless you're real, real sick."

"Yeah." CJ sounds sulky, then as suddenly brightens, "Maybe we could make an appointment for tomorrow," he suggests.

"Good idea." Dean smiles at him and CJ seems to glow with pleasure. "I tell you what I have an appointment at 1 o'clock near here tomorrow, so how about we meet at 12 o'clock?"

"Where's the other appointment?"

"Em's room."

"12 is before 1 on the clock, right?"

"Right."

"So me before Em?"

"That's right."

"Yeah. 12 o'clock sounds good. Write it down, 'cos you can't forget. It's an appointment."

Dean carefully writes the appointment in his diary as CJ watches and nods his approval. I walk into the house with Dan still in my arms and hear CJ saying "I'm your first appointment right. You won't make one before me, will you?"

"Hey Sam." Rachel smiles, "Dean not with you?"

"He's making an appointment with CJ for tomorrow."

"He has the patience of a saint with that child, I swear."

"Momma, Uncle Dean tickled me."

"Really! Now that is a shock. Is Aunt Rosie here yet?"

"Rosie Posie," Dan sings. "Uncle Dean!" He twists in my arms reaching for Dean again as he walks through the door.

"Monster!" is the reply as Dan goes back to him growling. It dawns on me that regardless of Dean and Rachel's claims to be 'just friends', Dean has become more than that to the youngest of her children.

"So where's Em?"

"Em's in her room. Sssssh!" says Dan with an exasperated look. "Em's always Ssh! Em doesn't play no more."

"Em works hard now."

"Too much," he says with a groan. "When I'm big like Em. I'm not going to work so much. I'm going to play. Work is yucky!"

"Maybe, monster, maybe." Dean smiles again, "Let's go see Em for a minute and say 'hello'."

"I got new 'jamas."

"Wow!"

They walk down to Em's room talking about Dan's new 'jamas until they vanish from sight.

"So Sam, are you stopping with Rosie or just dropping Dean off?"

"Thought I'd stop if you don't mind."

Rachel smiles and says, "It's not like you're teenagers who I need to worry about. Or are you? Is there something I should be concerned by? Are my children safe left with you?"

"The children will be fine. I promise we'll behave."

"Don't worry. I wonder how Dean's getting on with Em. I'm sure something is upsetting her but I don't know what and she wouldn't say. I just hope you never have it so difficult, Sam. Three kids and none of them alike. Do you know your brother is great with them all. He's too much of a pushover, but they all love him to bits."

"He's got a way with kids. I think it's 'cos he's just a big kid himself."

"I don't know about that, Sam. I do know he's a good man. Look are you okay on your own, if I just finish getting ready. Rosie should be here any time and then we'll shoot off."

After Dean and Rachel leave, Rosie puts Dan to bed and I play snakes and ladders with Em and CJ. Two games later and it's CJ's bedtime and Em decides to return to her room leaving us in peace.

I begin to tell Rosie about the hunting, struggling to make it sound like nothing much.