Choices

Chapter 10 - Telling the Truth

She looked at me slightly askance at first but didn't say anything too much, more kind of changed the subject. About half an hour later, she said "Dean's injuries, his chest that wasn't from the car crash, it was something you were hunting, wasn't it?"

"Yes" is the only answer I can give her. The conversation lulls for a while as we continue eating. "Sam... I don't want you to get the wrong impression but I've 'seen' Dean when he was in the hospital, when we were taking care of him. His body is..." her voice peetered out as she doesn't know how to describe it.

"I know, Dean's been unlucky in the past." I feel like a traitor, Dean hasn't been unlucky, he's had to fight battles alone when Dad or I should have supported him. He's bee left to treat his own injuries when he should have had help. I wonder how I can reassure her that she doesn't need to worry. I've seen enough of Dean's injuries to know how horrific it must seem to her right now, particularly those the demon gave him. "Rosie..."

"Sam, stop. Listen, I think I understand. My uncle is a fireman. He risks his life to save other people's. You do the same sort of thing. Just promise me: you'll always be careful and you'll always choose to stay alive over saving someone else. And if you do get injured, get it seen to properly, even if its only me and not at a hospital. Your scars are nowhere near as bad as his but I don't want you to go through that. I like Dean, don't get me wrong, I don't like the idea of him suffering like that, but Sam, you've obviously taken better care of yourself than he has. Don't let that change."

I understand what she's saying, but it only makes me feel more treacherous. "Rosie, it's never been like that. If I got hurt, Dean always took care of my injuries, but there were never that many because he always used to make sure he took the brunt of an attack. I stopped hunting, went to College. There was no-one left to help him. Dad stopped helping him when he got hurt. He had to do it himself. It's why some look so bad. Dad wouldn't have let him go to hospital unless it was life-threatening and when I left he just got harder and harder on Dean."

"Sam? When Dean was in hospital last time, you came in having been in a fight?"

"Dad... he wanted me to leave Dean. He figured he was dying anyway so there was no point in my hanging around."

"He'd have left him to die alone! What about you?" She sounds really shocked.

"No, I wouldn't leave him. I suppose you need to understand this, I need you to know it. If Dean needs me, I'll always go wherever he is, whatever the situation. I've realised this year, I have to do this for him, even if he doesn't ask, I..."

"Sam, that's not what I meant. I've seen how close you two are. I understand. I'd do anything for my sister. What I meant was, would he have left you?"

"I don't know, probably. He told me never to come back when I went to Stanford."

"You did though, Why?"

"Dean. He came for me. I went with him, not Dad."

"So when you fought, that was the last time you saw him?"

"No I've seen him once since; about five months ago."

"He came back after you fought?"

"For Dean. He wanted him to go back with him."

"He didn't go."

"Not anymore, no. At last, Dean's been able to turn away. He's realised that Dad isn't worth losing his life over."

"So he's gone for good?"

"We can hope so."

"I'm sorry, Sam."

"Why?"

"For pushing you to meet my family, for saying those things about Dean, for your Dad. I don't know all of it, I guess."

"I want to meet your family, I think anyway! Dean... well he's easy to misunderstand. It's only realy since the night he got so hurt and even more since we've lived here that I've begun to understand him. It's deliberate on his part. The big tough pain in the ass attitude is to hide how vulnerable he is. I've known him my whole life and onyl realised it in the last year. I don't expect other people to know. It's why he does it: he's hiding. Dad's no loss anymore. We had people like Bobby when we were young and I always had Dean. So we're okay?"

"I guess. I can't promise not to worry though."

"I understand."

"Has Dean told Rachel?"

"I don't know. He... he told someone once before, she kicked him out. She called him when something happened but then said she wanted nothing more to do with him. He was really hurt. I don't think he could cope with being hurt again."

"Give Rachel some credit."

"That's the point, I do. She'll do what's right for the kids first. Dean won't come ahead of them. He wouldn't want to. Dean understands it, trust me, Dean knows what its like to be a kid who isn't put first, he would put her kids first too. Anyway..."

"Sam, sometimes you don't see what's in front of you. I think you walk around with your eyes closed. They'll both be hurt if anything happens and yes Rach will put the kids first but she will not willingly hurt Dean either. He needs to be honest with her."

In the end I agree to talk to him about it and get her to agree to not mention it but I can't help wondering how exactly I'm supposed to tackle the subject without him reacting badly. In the meantime, I'm relieved she's taken it so well and that she doesn't seem inclined to kick me out. Knowing how Cassie treated Dean didn't inspire me with confidence when I started the conversation. On the whole I think I've got off very lightly.