CJ came home to a quiet house, and that was something that she was grateful for. She didn't want to hear about anything until Olivia was laid down in her crib and fine for a while. She saw Dean in the kitchen before she headed up the stairs, trying to be as quiet as she possibly could be. What she wasn't expecting was for Seth to be in Olivia's room sleeping on the bench in the bay window. But she worked around it for now, gently removing Olivia from her car seat and holding the infant close to her chest to calm her down enough to sleep for a couple hours. She knew it would take longer than just a couple hours to fix everything that she had done, but they needed a couple hours to get started on smoothing everything over.
Once she had Olivia laid down CJ looked over at Seth, debating whether or not she woke him up before going to deal with Dean. Waking up Seth would allow her a form of protection from all of Dean's wrath, even though she definitely deserved it all, but waking up Seth meant that she would have a small distraction by her second boyfriend and would have to include him in the conversation. She knew that fixing her current issue with Dean had to be one-on-one, so she opted to let Seth sleep and made her way down the stairs. Dean was now in the basement, and she only knew this because she could hear the metal clanging downstairs and she had to wonder briefly if it was such a good time to talk to him. But her uncertainty was stopped by the reminder that she had to working things out with Dean as soon as she possibly could and there was no more running from this conversation.
Slow steps down the stairs brought her boyfriend's attention to her and she mentally thanked the higher powers that may be for him putting away the dumbbells and sitting down on the weight bench while he waited for her to come downstairs. She sat beside him on the bench, opting not to look at him and instead staring ahead at the wall while she tried to figure out what to say to him. There were so many things that needed to be said and she wasn't sure of what he even wanted to hear, but it would be worth a shot to start where it was most important to start.
"I fucked up big time, I know, and I'm sorry." CJ started, glancing over at Dean before looking back to the wall. "I shouldn't have left, either. It wasn't fair to you and I've learned that I really need to fucking grow up."
"Is that all your time away taught you?"
"It also taught me that I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have you, and the fact that you still want anything at all to do with me after the last week and a half that we've had means a lot to me." She responded, looking over at him to see his intense gaze directly on her. Usually she would've been attracted to his undivided attention, but it was almost like he was studying her to make sure that she was being honest and it made her uncomfortable. She knew that she had brought this upon herself, but that didn't mean that she couldn't be uncomfortable. "You deserve so much better than me, Dean, and I want to make all this up to you but I just don't know how.
"You want to make this up to me?"
"Of course I do."
"Stop running from me then. That's all I really want, Christina." Dean spoke softly, his hand gently coming to cup her cheek. She didn't care that they were sweaty, because this was the first time that they were touching each other in about a week that wasn't purely for work purposes and she was going to savor this. She needed this. "I missed you since you started shutting me and Seth out. You were there, but you weren't here with us and it was awful. Just knowing that Seth calling you out like that and me silently agreeing had you so torn up, that killed me babe and I felt like shit for it."
"I've forgiven both of you for that, because it's the truth. Nobody likes the truth when its being used against them and I'm no different." She spoke with a shrug, knowing that she couldn't hold that against Dean or Seth when she was the one who responded like a child. "I can be such a brat sometimes, and I'm so sorry for how I acted."
"You're my brat, and its okay." He whispered, gently pushing stray hairs away from her face. "When you're a brat it gives me more reason to be rough with you in bed to punish you."
"I feel like you're trying to get me off topic."
"And I feel like I've gone over a week without sex of any kind."
"Dean, please, can we work this out before we start thinking sex?" CJ requested; knowing that she had to deny Dean, his pout, and his "sex eyes" until they had worked things out between them. There was no other alternative because sex couldn't fix everything no matter how hard they tried to make that the case. "Unfortunately, sex doesn't fix everything. Especially not problems that were caused by kinda-sex."
"Is that what we're calling it?"
"I don't know what else to call it." She sighed, fighting the urge to run a hand through her hair. She couldn't act nervous right now. "I mean, it was sexual but neither of us was naked and there was no insertion of any kind so was it really sex?"
"Kinda-sex works for me." Dean spoke with a nod, hesitantly wrapping an arm around her waist before pulling her into his side. "But I get why you did it, and I respect why you did it. But I don't appreciate that you didn't talk to me before you just went off and dry humped him. Had you came to me and said 'hey, Seth's been a good sport and I wanna reward him and make sure he knows that you're not trying to be a prick', then everything would've happened a lot differently."
"Yeah, I know that now." CJ sighed, resting her head on her boyfriend and finding comfort in his embrace. "Hindsight, right?"
"Hindsight." He mumbled, kissing the top of her head with a small smile. She was back in his arms and it felt so right. They had a lot to talk about and work on, but they'd be okay in the end. They just had to keep strong and work together in order to ensure that they could keep having these quiet moments like this. These moments where everything was wrong around them except for their own little bubble. In a matter of hours, Seth would most likely join them in their happy bubble and all would be right in their little family. He just needed this to last.
A small yawn from beside him had him looking down at her and remembering that she had approximately two hours of sleep and had to endure a flight with their daughter. CJ had to be tired, and yet her concern was patching things up between them instead of catching up on her sleep. She was doing a lot of growing up over the last couple of days and he was proud of her for doing all of this for the sake of their relationship. It showed just how much fixing all this truly meant to her.
"You should get some sleep."
"Yeah, but we have to-"
"Us three talking shit out isn't going to go well if you're not even coherent." He chided, standing and bringing her to her feet with him. She mumbled arguments, but Dean just walked her up the stairs and made her lay down in their bed. He removed her shoes, shirt, and jeans before tucking her in and kissing her forehead. "I'll be here when you get up, your highness."
"You fuckin' better." She whispered, smiling up at him as her eyes drifted closed. "Cuddle me?"
"Sure thing." He murmured, rolling over her to get into bed behind her and pulling her into his chest. He had missed this so much, because her touch was everything to him when he slept. He'd been sleeping with one of her shirts that she had left behind on the bus, but it only provided a small amount of comfort compared to actually having her in his arms. This was a moment that he was going to savor, because he wasn't certain of what the future held for them and they had a serious conversation ahead of them. That conversation could change their whole relationship, but he wasn't giving up on her or their relationship. He needed her.
Seth woke up to Olivia's cries and looked around the nursery before he realized that he wasn't hearing things. He was quick to tend to the infant, changing her diaper and taking her downstairs to be fed. Dean and CJ were nowhere to be found, though, and that concerned Seth. He knew that they had to be somewhere in the house, because they wouldn't just up and leave without telling him, but at the same time he had to wonder just what they were doing and hoping that they weren't having sex somewhere in the house. But he believed that they weren't because they weren't exactly quiet and noise carried in this house.
"You hungry, sweetheart?" He asked, holding her close to his chest as he went through the fridge to find stuff to put in the baby bullet to feed her. "Where'd your momma go?"
The infant was still sleepy and had no response for her daddy, but Seth wasn't expecting much of a response out of her. She was just a baby who had just woken up and was hungry. Like Dean, when she was hungry her only concern was getting food and everything else could be damned until she got her food but she was more like Seth in the sense that she could just eat and eat and eat.
Seth, as much as he tried, wasn't as skilled in the one-handed parenting department like Dean and CJ were so he had to put Olivia in her high chair and gave her a small bowl of cheerios to nibble on while he made her actual breakfast. Cheerios were a good snack, but CJ felt that they didn't hold enough substance on their own to be an actual meal for their daughter. Dean just agreed with anything CJ said if it was related to feeding Olivia. Dean hated technology and the internet, leaving CJ to do all the baby related research and trusted her word. Eventually CJ would show him things that she felt he should read, and he'd read them, but it was mainly CJ. Seth just asked questions on what he was curious about and she usually had the answer. If she didn't, she was always quick to google it because she wanted to know close to everything regarding their baby.
A yell from his daughter as she smacked the highchair table grabbed Seth's attention as he started up the baby bullet, and he couldn't help but smile at her. She looked more and more like her mother as the days went by, only her hair was starting to get darker. The question now was whether her hair would be like Dean's or eventually become a brown like his? He hoped for Dean and CJ's sake that her hair stopped at Dean's reddish blonde even though he had some inward hope that it became a brunette color so that he could claim Olivia in some way other than the fact that the DNA test said that he was her father as well as Dean.
Another yell accompanied by another smack pulled Seth from his thought's once again and he let her know that he heard her. Just having the attention brought a little grin to the blonde and he could see that a couple teeth were working their way into her mouth. She certainly had that Ambrose toughness, though, because she wasn't even acting like she was bothered by the incoming teeth.
"I'm not arguing with you, CJ, but I am telling you that we aren't talking about anything until you've eaten something." Seth heard Dean on the stairs and he looked to see that he was following CJ down the stairs. She was yawning, looking as if she had just woken up from a nap, and Seth couldn't deny how adorable she looked in yoga pants and an old Edge and Christian shirt that was just a bit too big for her but tied in the back for a better fit. Too cute for words in his opinion and he knew that their daughter would be a knockout if she took fashion advice from her mother.
"Which is why I'm going into the kitchen to get food." CJ stated, smiling at Seth when they made eye contact with each other and he smiled and reached out to give her back a gentle pat as she dug through the fridge. She looked back at him and he handed her Olivia's food and nodded towards the table.
"You feed her, I'll get started on breakfast."
"Oh, Seth, you don't-"
"I wasn't asking, babe. I was telling." He spoke with a cheeky grin, waiting for her to huff like she usually did. Sure enough, after a minute of her pouting and him having a strong resolve, she huffed playfully and murmured a thank you before going to feed their daughter. Dean was working on starting the coffee, but Seth shooed him out of the kitchen so that he could plan everything perfectly like only he knew how. Dean flipped him off on his way out, laughing before sitting down beside CJ at the table while she fed Olivia.
"How long have you two been up?" CJ asked, looking back at Seth for a moment to see him rummaging through the fridge. "Not too long, I hope."
"Only about ten minutes." Seth responded without looking back at her, humming when he noticed how much food they didn't have at home. "All we have is eggs, bacon, and fruit."
"Fruit salad sounds amazing." CJ moaned, leaning back in her seat and letting Dean take over feeding Olivia. "And so do eggs and bacon. Ugh, Sethie, feed me everything."
"So needy." Dean teased, tickling CJ's stomach and laughing when she jerked a little bit in an attempt to defend herself from her boyfriend. This was how Dean hoped everything would stay like this after their "feelings" conversation later in the day. He didn't think too much strain would be put onto their relationship, but feelings could be a bitch for him and CJ, so he hoped that everything went as smoothly as it could possibly go.
"If I wasn't needy, what would you and Seth do?" She asked, smiling over at Dean while he continued to feed their daughter. "That's right. Nothing."
"But you're also blissfully independent, aren't you?" Seth asked, smirking when CJ tilted her head as she turned to face them. "You can't be needy and independent, so I'm going to need you to choose which one it is so that way we're all on the same page."
"I'm needy at home and independent at work." She chose the best of both worlds, smirking at Seth when he rolled his eyes while stirring the eggs. "So...yeah."
"Whatever." Dean sighed, grinning over at her when she turned to face him and pecking her lips. "Needy little shit."
"But you love me." She laughed, loving when both of her men started laughing with her and Olivia joined in with her little giggles. These were her men and that was their daughter, and she knew that they'd be able to work this out. They just had to be open with each other and CJ could give them that. It would take a few minutes, but she could give them that.
The three ate in silence, CJ eating slower than the others due to having Olivia in her lap. She had only finished her eggs by the time Dean had finished eating his breakfast so he took Olivia and started playing a game of peek-a-boo with Seth, who was sitting across the table enjoying his fruit salad and got a kick out of the surprised face Olivia made when Dean covered her eyes but was still speaking to her. CJ enjoyed watching them play while she nibbled on her bacon, but she knew that this was the perfect time to have their feelings talk. Her hands needed to be busy so that she couldn't dip into her nervous ticks and so that she could eat while the guys talked about their feelings and opinions.
"Can we talk now, or would you guys rather wait?" CJ asked, looking between the guys while they both sat and pondered whether they wanted to talk now or wait for a bit. Dean nodded, and she tilted her head at him in hopes of getting a verbal response from her boyfriend.
"I'm good to talk this out whenever you guys are ready." Seth spoke up, looking to Dean before looking over at CJ, smiling when he saw both blondes nod. "So is that a yes to right now?"
"It is." Dean spoke up, looking to CJ and taking her hand in his under the table. She smiled and and looked between them, silently urging them both to decide who would be going first. She didn't want it to be her, but she wasn't sure that she wanted to hear what was going on in their heads. She knew that she had to and had spent the last few hours mentally preparing for this, but that didn't stop her from wanting to back down and hide in her blankets upstairs.
"Can I start?"
"Of course, Sethie." CJ assured, smiling at him before she started to nibble on a piece of bacon.
"I'm grateful to be here with you guys and Olivia, I really am, and I don't want you guys to feel as though I'm not, okay?" The younger man started, waiting for the two to nod their before he continued. "But sometimes I feel like I'm not as welcome as you guys try to make me feel. I get that I am the third amigo and lucky as hell to be in the position that I am in with you guys, but sometimes its hard. I'm told that I can do one thing; but when I exercise my right to do what I m allowed to do, Dean, you get all weird on me and I can't do that. I can't handle the constant conflict and I'm certain that it isn't your intent so I'm not mad about it or anything, but I don't like causing any conflict with you and I'm willing to step back if it'll make you feel better Dean. It'll suck, but if it'll help your relationship then I'll do it."
"No." Dean spoke firmly, looking Seth dead in the eye. "You're not going anywhere, okay? I get what I'm doing and how its making you feel, and I'm sorry. It wasn't my intent, I hope you understand that. I'm just so terrified of losing her that I automatically see any guy in her direct vicinity is a threat regardless of my relationship with them. Its not just you, its Roman too, but I'm doing my best to work on it. But, and I'm speaking honestly from the bottom of my heart, I need you here with us. Its not about protecting her anymore, its about keeping us level. You level us out and provide things for her that I just can't without over thinking and I don't want her feeling the slightest bit of incomplete because I pushed you away over my own stupid insecurities."
"But, last week there was the-"
"I told you before that I'm not mad at you about that Seth. I know first hand that its impossible to push her away and I don't blame you for anything. We've talked it out and everything on that front is alright and smoothed over."
"Really?"
"We talked it over when I came home. I put Olive to bed and then went downstairs to talk to Dean because I didn't want to wake you." CJ informed him, knowing that Seth wasn't done talking about his feelings. At least she hoped that her intuition and Seth-senses weren't off, but sometimes Seth could surprise her and she was praying that now wasn't one of those times.
"Is that everything?" Dean asked, and Seth nodded after a moment of careful consideration. CJ was cursing herself now, but keeping her face neutral as to not alert the guys to her being bothered. She wasn't at all bothered by them, it was all her being mad about her intuition but it was whatever. She'd work on he Seth-senses.
"Dean are you really still scared that I'll leave you for some other schmuck on the street?" She couldn't help but ask, not certain why Dean was so concerned that she'd leave him. Sure, she left to clear her head, but she didn't break up with him and she'd never be able to break up with him. She may love Seth too, but Dean was her everything. Nobody else could do what Dean did for her, and she was certain that she'd never find anybody like Dean who made her as happy as he did.
"Honestly, yeah. I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you're fucking gorgeous and there's no shortage of men who would kill to have you on their arm- one is sitting with us right now. I'm not the best guy in the world, I'll admit I've done my fair share of bad shit, and anything in my past could easily make you jump from my ship to somebody else, and I'm terrified that you'll pack Olive up and leave without telling me."
"And me leaving a couple days ago definitely didn't help." She mumbled, suddenly feeling much more ashamed over herself than she had ever been before. This was just a bad situation all around and she couldn't help but run a hand through her hair and gently tug at the blond locks. "God damnit, I'm such a bad fucking girlfriend. Fuck me sideways."
"You shut the hell up. You're a great girlfriend, Christina, the best I could ever ask for." Dean scolded, frowning at the way she inched herself away from him. He knew this was bound to happen, because she was "emotionally fragile" like Seth had pointed out, but he was okay with the fact that she hadn't stood up to leave yet. This was progress. "Please don't shut down on me, sweetheart."
"What about your feelings, babe?" Seth asked, taking her hand in his on the table top. "Talk us through how you feel about everything and then we'll only have to talk for a few more minutes and then it'll be over for now."
CJ looked down at her untouched bowl of fruit salad and nodded, taking a deep breath before picking a strawberry out of her bowl and popping it into her mouth. The two men waited for her to speak, Dean gently rocking Olivia in his arms to keep her occupied while he waited for her to ready herself.
"I'm just not used to being so heavily relied upon. I like it, I do, and its not like...overwhelming me or anything. I actually like being so needed. By Olive and by you guys in your own ways, its nice to be so needed instead of being the one always needing to rely on somebody else that I trust to carry me. But that's what a relationship is, right? Carrying each other?" She asked, looking between the two men to see them nod slowly while she started on a piece of melon. She wasn't even a big melon fan but she just needed something in her mouth to give her good enough reason to stall while she thought about what to day. "I mean, I have never loved anybody like I love you two. Its like, you guys may have put me on some emotional roller coaster over the last year and a half but the lows haven't been too bad and the highs have made me feel like I'm on cloud nine and I wouldn't have it any other way, y'know? Not even Jay made me feel this way when we were together, and that is really saying something."
"I sense a 'but'." Seth spoke, his tone light and almost teasing as he gently squeezed her hand and CJ smiled as she blindly picked up another piece of fruit. It was more melon and she inwardly grimaced, but didn't switch it out because she needed a bit more stalling time.
"But," She started, glad that she had taken that time to stall and grateful that Seth was still holding her hand. "These past few weeks I haven't been myself and I just feel so shitty about it. Its like I lost all sense of self in my decision making and you guys had to suffer because of it and I don't think I'll be able to apologize for it enough. But its just how my life has gone for the past fifteen years or so: I get going on a good path and things get really good and then somehow it gets sabotaged by either myself or somebody else."
"But that's what we're here for." Dean spoke up, placing his free hand on CJ's thigh and giving a gentle squeeze. "Nothing is going to sabotage this relationship to the point of ruining it and breaking us up. Seth and I aren't going to let that happen, alright?"
CJ could only nod, scooting closer to her boyfriend when Olivia started babbling to her.
"Am I the only one who feels much better now?" Seth asked and CJ shook her head while squeezing his hand.
"You're not alone, Sethie."
"We made plenty of progress right here, and this is how I want things to be." Dean spoke softly, looking between his younger companions as they kept squeezing each other's hand. "We shouldn't have to worry about telling each other how we feel and there's going to be no more running or hiding from each other. No more secrets and no more lies. We've got to have trust in each other."
"I can do that."
"I can, too. But the same goes for you, Dean." CJ reminded, looking up at him and plucking a grape from her bowl. "Just because you're suddenly conflicted about something doesn't mean that you can just up and go on a run to clear your head without letting somebody know. All you really have to do is leave a note and take your phone, but still."
"I know. I never said that I wasn't guilty in the running category." He defended himself, smiling down at her before leaning in to kiss her forehead. Just that one gesture made her feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside and she knew that she would never trade that feeling in for anything else in the world. She knew that things weren't perfect yet and that she still had a lot of making up to do, but she was ready to do whatever she had to in order to make all of this up to Dean and Seth.
So... I don't even know what to say here. Usually I have something to say but not tonight(er... this morning? Its like 4 am right now and I'm half awake haha). I feel so weird because I just don't know what to say here this time around.
But, anyways, I'd like to thank meredith757. theShield757, Carolyn, AJPunk757, moeshellz757, calwith, Imagineer1392, Sarcastic Nightmare, CarolReigns, ItReignsJustice-619, ChelleLew, and Pinayprincesa for reviewing the last chapter!