Leo yawned as he sat up and turned his blaring alarm off.
He had considered turning the thing off so he could sleep in later, but decided against it. He liked the rare silence of early morning and liked to reserve it for meditation.
Raph and Mikey had always thought that he was in insane for waking up early, "Just to do something that will put you right back to sleep" as Mikey had put it.
His baby brother had never been one for meditation, never having the attention span necessary for it.
And Donnie... Well, Leo still didn't know what that was about.
Raph thought that it was pointless and couldn't possibly help you, not that it surprised him any.
But to him, it was peaceful. Taking into consideration all the gritty things they've all seen and done, that one accessible pathway to a peaceful atmosphere gave him comfort knowing he could rest in it whenever he needed. And so, every morning, Leo would get up extra early to begin his day with that peace so that he could lead his brothers knowing his judgement was sound and unclouded.
When his second alarm went off- to tell him that it was time to go to the kitchen- he quietly got up and went to Mikey's room first, shaking his little brother awake and earning him a long drawn out, "Ughhhh." from Mikey for his efforts.
He would have to come back in a few minutes to make sure that he was actually awake and not trying to go back to sleep.
Next he headed for Raph's room, opening the door only to dodge the sai sent his way by his already grumpy brother. Lucky for him that Leo was practiced in dodging his brother's weapons and that he had delt with a sleepy Raphael often enough to know this always had a possibility of happening.
"Get up and get ready for training." Leo said, unlodging his brother's sai from the door frame and putting it on the table.
Raph said something that was muffled by the pillow, but Leo could guess that it was nothing pleasant and closed the door behind him.
He wasn't worried about Raph- once he was up, he rarely fell back asleep.
Next he headed for the lab, hesitantly knocking on the door and called out to his brother.
"Hey Donnie, are you up?" Leo asked, almost certain that he was.
Sometimes he thought that Donnie woke up before he did, but had never asked him what his sleep schedule was before.
"I'm up." Donnie answered from behind the door, but didn't open it.
That was also something he had noticed about Donnie. He wasn't very open about much of anything he did. When those lab doors were closed, Donnie didn't open them until he had put whatever project he was working on away. When he was about the Lair, though, he explained everything he did to whoever was interested- which was most always Mikey.
He thought that Donnie must have been used to working behind closed doors, but didn't understand why he continued to do so when he obviously didn't have to.
Leo pondered it as he made his way back to Mikey's room, shaking the youngest awake once again and forcing him out into the kitchen so he knew that he wouldn't fall back asleep.
Raph came into the kitchen a few minutes later, sluggish and obviously still very tired, but somewhat awake.
"Where's Don?" Raph asked as he made a pot of coffee, thinking of the only other coffee addict that might just give him a run for his title.
"He's coming." Leo answered, meeting Raph's eyes.
And they had a lot to talk about, even if their brother didn't necessarily want to.
And he did, a couple minutes later, saying a quiet 'good morning' before making his first cup of coffee and sitting down.
Leo caught Raph's eyes shifting to Donnie, who's eyes never drifted from his cup.
The context of their argument seemed to be coming back to them as well because neither of them seemed to want to speak to each other.
Leo sighed.
It felt like the day they brought Donnie back all over again, just as tense and uncomfortable.
Leo awkwardly stood up and announced that he was going to find Master Splinter, leaving the three brothers in silence.
Mikey, though, didn't seem to notice the tense atmosphere at all as he swallowed three pizzas covered in what looked like syrup without seeming to breathe.
"Damn Mike, do you ever eat anything normal for breakfast?" Raph demanded.
"Normal?" Mikey repeated with a mouth full of food. "None of us are normal, Raphie."
Mikey ducked out of Raph's reach even as he lunged for him, happily laughing at Raph's scowl.
"You know that you're never going to catch him, right?" Donnie asked.
"Don't mean I can't try." Raph muttered.
Despite the tension, or maybe even because of it, the two brothers started laughing. Just low chuckles, but enough.
"I'm... I'm sorry about yesterday, Raph." Donnie said as Mikey danced out of their view. "You're right. I was being a coward."
Raph sighed and shook his head.
"Don't take everything I say to heart, genius." Raph said. "I was pissed but not really at you. More at Shredder and Baron for making you afraid."
Donnie shifted at the unwanted reminder of what he had let slip.
"What'd they do, Don?" Raph asked. "Really, what'd they do that made you afraid of 'em?"
Raph was asking, not to be an ass, but because he actually wanted to help his brother, who seemed to bottle up anything and everything having to do with his time with the Foot.
"I... Don't want to talk about that." Donnie finally muttered.
Raph raised an eye.
"Why not? They're never gonna get you again, so why-"
"Why does it matter, Raphael?" Donnie cut in harshly. "Why do you want to know so badly?"
"Because we're trying to help you, Donnie." Leo said, silently leaning on the wall out of Donnie's view.
"And how exactly is talking about that going to help?" Donnie demanded heatedly.
"Talking about that kind of stuff can help." Leo argued. "If you don't, you'll it'll only be so long until you loose your temper and it comes flooding. Like, what you said yesterday."
Donnie scowled at the reminder.
"That... Slipped out. I didn't mean to say any of that." Donnie confessed.
"Exactly my point." Leo said. "So what did you mean?"
Donnie set his mouth in a firm line, obviously not wanting to participate in the current discussion.
"Shouldn't we be getting ready for training?" Donnie asked as a way of distraction.
"Actually, Sensei cancelled it because of last night." Leo responded quickly, cutting off that escape route before it could begin. "So try again."
Donnie stood up abruptly and started for the garage.
"I'm done talking about this, you two." He said as he slammed the door closed.
Raph and Leo shared a look.
This was definitely going to be harder than they thought. Maybe they could enlist Mikey's help?
"We're, uh, we're not done talking about this, right?" Raph asked for clarification.
"Absolutely not." Leo confirmed. "Just give him some breathing room, we might have to go about this another way."
Raph nodded and started toward the garage.
"I said to give him some room, Raph, not-" Leo started.
"I'm not going to bother him, I'm going to work on the bike." Raph told him.
"Let him calm-"
But Raph wasn't even listening anymore and quietly opened the door, barely getting a foot in before he saw Donnie groan.
"Usually, Raphael, when someone leaves the room in the middle of a conversation, it means they don't want to talk." Donnie snapped.
"Who said I wanted to talk?" Raph questioned. "I just wanted to work on the bike." Raph motioned to where Donnie was kneeling beside said vehicle. "Is that a crime?"
Donnie's eyes narrowed in suspicion before he decided that he either didn't care, or couldn't prove Raph's real motives, and decided that ignoring him would be a good option instead.
After several minutes of tense silence, Raph looked back at the bike.
"What's left on it, anyway?" Raph asked.
"I marked the parts we need on that paper-" Donnie frowned. "Didn't you bring it with you yesterday?"
Raph frowned and seemed to think about it for a moment.
"Damn, yeah, I did. Musta' dropped it." He said.
Donnie seemed to think for a minute.
"You really don't remember what happened last night?" He asked.
"No, I really don't." Raph said. "I could ask you the same question, but you don't want to talk about that."
Donnie sent him a scowl and returned his attention to the bike.
"It's fine. I remember what we need anyway." Donnie dismissed with a wave of his hand.
Raph frowned. Donnie was obviously trying to not rise to his bait.
"Maybe we can go to the junk yard, get what we need." Raph suggested, watching as his younger brother tensed up.
"No." He said almost immediately. "Not until we get the Baron thing settled."
"It's a trip to the junkyard, Don, it's not like we're infiltrating the Foot's base." Raph scoffed.
"Have you forgotten about what happened already?" Donnie demanded. "You could've died, Raph. Despite what you may believe, you're not invincible."
"I never said I was." Raph huffed, noting the obvious fear lingering in his brother's tone, but decided not to mention it.
"You're scared of your own shadow, aren't you?"
Raph silently cursed himself for the words that had fallen out of his mouth out of anger the night before.
Of course Donnie would be afraid of those people, for clearly they had shown him reason to be.
"Sorry, Don." Raph said after a moment of tense silence.
"Sorry for snapping at you like that." Donnie offered with a sigh.
Raph felt his always burning anger ebb away the longer they worked on the bike. Donnie just seemed to have that affect with him, calming him down without even saying a word.
On the other hand, Donnie also seemed to know exactly how to push his buttons, maybe even better than Mikey did.
Maybe it was a little brother thing.
As they worked, Raph tried and tried to think up a way to get Donnie to talk, and failed miserably. This wasn't his thing, connecting like this.
It was more Leo's thing to talk to Mikey when he was quiet and when he had something bothering him, it was usually pretty easy to tell. That's how Leo liked to show his love for his brothers, to offer them anything they needed: his defense, an ear to listen to, advise that was so corny and tasted so much of Sensei's teachings that Raph physically cringed every time he tried it.
Raph, on the other hand, preferred to fight for his brothers, to defend them. He would tell them blunt-faced when they were being stupid, and yes he usually got satisfaction from it when it was Fearless, but his reasons were still very solid.
Raph didn't know how to show that with Donnie, who hadn't really known them long enough to understand that dynamic.
Granted, things had changed enormously from the time since they had first brought Donnie home.
Donnie was no longer very formal with any of them, not even Splinter- though Donnie still didn't seem comfortable calling him Sensei. He didn't finch or jump when they bumped into him, but his dislike to be touched hadn't dissipated in the slightest and no one had asked about it, but Raph's suspicions were beginning to grow. Donnie ate more, though Leo and Mikey still sometimes had to prompt him when they thought his portion wasn't large enough. Donnie trained with them regularly, but it was more than noticable that he didn't enjoy it, but again, none of them had ever asked him why.
Everything having to do with the Foot- even small things- were never mentioned around Donnie. His genius brother outright refused to speak about anything that had happened in the eleven years he had been gone, but avidly listened to their own stories of growing up.
Raph hated it. He hated how Donnie alienated himself from them, sometimes without even seeming to realize he was doing it. Too often could Donnie be found in the lab, which is where he liked to retreat to whenever he wasn't tinkering on things. None of them knew if he did this simply to get a break or if this was something he was just used to.
Because nobody wanted to ask, and that was the most frustrating thing about it all.
Nobody wanted to upset Donnie by bringing up anything about the Foot or ask him any questions. And Donnie never offered any information, and that's what ate at him. The silence. The secrecy. The deflection.
Did he not talk about it because he didn't trust them? Or-
"So I know we're going to need a new motor, but what about the starter relay? Do you think it looks okay?" Donnie asked, still facing the bike as he talked.
When Raph didn't immediately respond, Donnie turned toward him with an expectant expression.
"I'm not sure." Raph answered honestly. "Maybe we'll find one at the junkyard."
Donnie didn't even bother to entertain him with an answer this time and stood up, wiping his hands on a towel.
"There's not much else we can do without those parts, but once we get them, this beauty will be all fixed up for you Raph." Donnie declared with a grin, looking over the bike appreciatively.
"I swear, a few weeks ago I didn't think this tin can would be able to run." Raph agreed with a small laugh. "I was about ready to toss it"
Donnie chuckled. "You would be surprised what can be fixed with time and parts."
A light feeling of dread began to pool in Raph's stomach as he realized that it wouldn't take him and Donnie that long at all to fix the bike to working condition.
Working on the bike was really one of the few things that he enjoyed doing with Donnie, and didn't really know what he was going to do with him once it was finished.
"Any other plans once we get this done?" Raph asked.
Donnie shrugged. "Don't know. I was actually planning on improving the security around the Lair once we got done with the bike."
"Improving the security?" Raph repeated. "No one knows where the Lair is, Don and even if they did, how would they know how to get in?"
Donnie gave him a slightly bashful look and rubbed the back of his neck.
"Um, no offense Raph, but I honestly have no idea how no one hasn't just wandered in here already. Your entrance is painfully obvious if you have an idea of where we live and the walls aren't aren't exactly soundproof." Donnie shrugged. "I just want to do a few things, just to make sure."
Donnie's lips turned down in a thoughtful frown as he said it and Raph understood. Donnie just wanted something palpable to assure himself that nobody was going to come into the Lair, some protections just to make sure.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Don." Raph said, and he meant it, too. If this helped to settle Donnie's worries, what bad could possibly come from it? "Need help?"
"No. At least I don't think I will, anyway." Donnie answered.
Raph nodded and led the way out of the garage and settled into a chair at the table.
Leo was sitting at the island and they shared a look.
Raph gave a small shake of his head and Leo visibly deflated.
Raph glanced around for his genius brother in time to see him walk toward his lab and quietly close the door behind him.
"I tried to get him to talk, but he gave me the same attitude he gave us earlier." Raph informed his older brother now that he knew it was safe to do so.
Leo groaned and shook his head, muttering something about Donnie being too stubborn.
"He's not going to talk to us by choice, Leo." Raph pointed out.
"Well what do you want to do, Raph? Literally corner him and force him to tell us?" Leo demanded.
Raph gave him a look that clearly said that's exactly what he wanted to do and Leo sighed.
"He's not going to like that." Leo said. "Just let me try."
Raph huffed and stood up to go to the dojo, leaving Fearless to whatever plan he had concocted.
Leo left Donnie alone for about a half hour before going to the lab door and knocking.
"Come in."
Leo opened the door slightly and leaned against the frame, watching his brother tinker with a camera lens that April had scavenged up weeks before.
"Are you going to start too?" Donnie demanded, not even bothering to look up.
"No, just wanted to know what you were doing." Leo replied, trying to feign innocence.
Donnie eyed him suspiciously but decided that it wasn't worth it and turned back to the parts on the table.
"I was going to fix this up, make it a security camera that I can put outside the Lair. I'm going to program it to recognize our faces, but set off a silent alarm if someone else comes too close." Donnie said, still not looking up from his tinkering.
"Wouldn't someone see that though?" Leo questioned, thinking of how obvious the camera would be in the middle of the sewers.
"Not if I hide it." Donnie replied quickly. "I'm going to camouflage it to look like one of the pipes"
Donnie had obviously been thinking about this for a while now and Leo was confident in his ability.
Donnie finally looked up at him.
"I know what I'm doing." He said with a small grin.
You've done it before? But Leo knew he couldn't ask him that, because he knew Donnie wouldn't answer him.
"Why don't you take a break and play a game of chess with me?" Leo asked instead.
Donnie hesitated for a moment, clearly torn, before nodding.
"Yeah, sure." He agreed and stood up, following Leo to the table where they kept the game.
They got the pieces set up in comfortable silence and began to play.
About ten minutes in, enough time for Leo to get his thoughts together and come up with a semi-stable plan, he looked up at Donnie who stared back at him questioningly and he realized that he had been less than subtle in his staring.
"Sorry." He apologized.
Donnie merely shrugged it off, but he could see how tight his eyes were.
"If you're going to start asking questions again, I'm leaving." Donnie warned him. "I mean it, I told you guys, I don't want to talk about this."
Leo raised his hands in surrender.
"I'm not, I'm not. I wasn't going to ask about that." Leo promised.
Donnie nodded, satisfied, and turned back to the game.
"How long did you say you've played this game?" Leo inquired after a few minutes.
"Since I was little." He replied. "Or, I guess as long as I can remember, that is."
"So do you know the point of chess, then?"
"To capture the other pieces." Donnie responded immediately.
"To understand your opponent." Leo corrected. "To know them well enough to be able to tell what move they'll make next."
Donnie sighed.
"We're no longer talking about chess, are we?" He asked without looking up from the board.
"Donnie, I know you well enough now that I know you'll never come out and say anything about what happened with the Foot, but we're worried about you. Just talk to-" Leo's plea was cut off when Donnie stood up and stalked out of the room without a word.
Great, he thought sullenly. There goes plan A.
Mikey lookedat his brother's door as if it were twenty feet tall, his hand hesitating over the door handle but not going in.
He had been happy to let Leo and Raph take point on the whole "get-Donnie-to-talk-about-stuff" plan, but when neither of them seemed to do much good besides angering his genius brother, the youngest decided to take it upon himself to get his immediate older brother to open up.
The only problem was that he didn't know how he was supposed to do that.
But before he could even think up a plan, the door opened and Donnie nearly ran him over before seeing him, his hand still raised.
"Sorry Mikey, I didn't see you." Donnie apologized and stepped back.
When Mikey didn't immediately respond, Donnie's eyes narrowed at him before he groaned.
"Oh, not you too!" He shook his head. "Look, tell Leo and Raph that I'm fine and to stop trying to talk to me every time I turn around, okay?"
Donnie moved past Mikey as he said this, but the younger was quick to run after him, blocking his path again.
Smooth Mikey, he thought to himself.
"It's not just them, D. I'm worried about you too." Mikey said in almost a plea.
Donnie gave a long, drawn-out sigh.
"Mikey, I'm fine, okay? I promise." Donnie said, looking him in the eye. "There's nothing to worry about."
Mikey frowned.
"If I got shot on the surface, would you be worried about me?" Mikey asked.
Donnie sighed again and rolled his eyes, something that he did often.
"Of course I would be, Mikey." Donnie said, clearly exasperated. "But that's a bullet, that's a wound that would obviously need to be taken care of. That's different."
"How's a bullet wound any different from a head wound?" Mikey shot back. "You just fix them differently."
Donnie stared at him for a good few seconds before snapping his mouth closed and closing his fists.
"Good thing I don't have a head wound, then, isn't it?" Donnie asked, not bothering to wait for an answer before stalking away from his younger brother.
And I was getting so close, Mikey thought sourly and decided that leaving his brother alone was best before he exploded.
They ate leftovers from the night before in near silence.
Donnie was tense, his shoulders hunched and eyes narrowed as he ate slowly, not participating in any discussion that Mikey tried to start.
Leo and Raph shared looks all throughout dinner, but never brought anything up.
They stayed that way until they parted to their own rooms.
It came in flashes, the memories he had long tried to avoid. Reminders of things he would rather leave buried. And most of the time he could keep them buried, distract himself with his tinkering or immerse himself into the actions of his family.
But at night there was no distracting himself, there was no ignoring it. Some things just refused to stay dead. He had nightmares when he was with the Foot, but never anything to this extent. He wasn't actually sure that they could count as nightmares. Could memories count as nightmares? Donnie didn't think they should but at this point he really couldn't tell.
The room that had long ago become his had disappeared, replaced by the cell of a room that he had in the Foot. It was always cold there, something he could never get used to, and the thin blankets that Karai had given him did little against the cold. But he was exhausted enough that the chill of the room only aided in his quest for some much-needed sleep.
He was so dead asleep, in fact, that when his door opened, he didn't hear it at all. Nor did he feel the presence of others in the room until they were already upon him.
Leo sighed and squeezed the too-hot cup in his hand.
They had all tried, each and every one of the brothers had given their fair shot at getting Donnie to open up to them, and all had failed miserably.
Leo really didn't know what more to do and was beginning to take Raph's idea of cornering him a lot more seriously.
Leo turned to go back to his room when a piercing scream ran throughout the Lair, bouncing in his head and tormenting him there.
The Fearless leader barely felt the cup slip from his fingers before he was running toward the source of the noise and found himself in front of Donnie's room.
He quickly tried the door but soon realized that his genius brother had locked it.
"What's goin' on?"
Leo wasn't surprised to see Raph standing behind him, shoulders tense and ready, but Mikey's presence was a slight shocker to him. It must have been truly loud for Mikey to hear it over his own snoring.
"I think he's having a nightmare, but I can't get in to help." Leo winced at the "I", forgetting for a moment that his brothers were there now and how it must have sounded.
Raph stared at him like he had lost his mind, though it wasn't an all too uncommon look for Leo to receive from his ill-tempered brother.
"And what're you waiting for? An invitation? Open the damn door Leo!" Raph snapped before pushing his way through to the door and trying the handle, giving it several rough shakes.
Leo rolled his eyes and glared at his red clad brother.
"Don't you think I would've already done that, Raph? Do you really think I'm that stupid-" Leo started before Raph brought his fist against the locking mechanism and the door creaked open.
"What were you saying, Fearless?" Raph grunted.
Leo huffed but wasted no time in rushing in, not bothering at the moment with turning on the lights before running to his brother's side.
Donnie was sprawled out on the bed, eyes clenched shut and gasping for air in between yells.
"Donnie, Donnie wake up." Leo lunged and placed his hand on his genius brother's arm to shake him awake when Donnie abruptly froze.
The next thing he knew, Donnie had his staff in hand and was swinging it toward him with such deadly purpose that Leo was too shocked to move out of the way of the blade he didn't know his brother had before he felt a fiery pain race across his plastron before he was being pushed away.
"Don! Don snap out of it!" Raph yelled and shoved his sais against his immediate younger brother's weapon.
"It's just us, D! Only us!" Mikey exclaimed as he and Raph pried Donnie's weapon from him and Raph quickly pinned his brother down, afraid of another attack.
But it seemed that it wasn't necessary as Donnie stilled, seeming to regain his senses and froze on the bed, his breath coming in short, quick gasps but he no longer seemedmaniacal.
Mikey hurried through the darkness to flicker on the lights, his face clearly full of fear when they blinked on.
Donny was huddled on the far side of the bed as far away from Raph as he could possibly get, his eyes squeezed shut and his hands clenched around his arms. His breathing was hitched but sounding better than it had been.
"Leo, what happened?!" Mikey exclaimed suddenly, pointing a finger at Leo and immediately gaining the room's attention.
To be honest, he had been so preoccupied watching the situation unfold that he hadn't even thought about how much his plastron was hurting him until Mikey had oh-so-subtly pointed it out for him.
Raph turned toward him, mouth set in a firm line and still positioned above Donnie just in case, but the fight seemed to have gone out of the genius turtle.
Instead of fight in Donnie's eyes, there was now shame quite clearly written in the lines of his face as he stared at Leo in horror.
"Leo, I'm so sorry." He croaked out and Leo almost winced at how raw his voice was. "I'm sorry, I thought- I- I'm so sorry."
While Leo tried to wave his brother's apologies away, he instructed Mikey to get him something to staunch the blood with. It wasn't all that deep and Leo didn't really think he would need anything more than that except perhaps a wrap.
His youngest brother quickly handed him an old towel to use that the eldest pressed against the wound, wincing at the first contact.
"Leo, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize it was you. I swear. I'm-" Donnie was rambling now, stumbling over the apology in a desperate attempt to get it out.
"Geeze, calm down Don. It's fine, just a bit of blood. I've done worse to him and Mike in training." Raph muttered, but Leo knew that it was Raph's way of comforting their hysterical brother and silently thanked him for it even though he couldn't tell how much good it did.
"Who did you think I was?" Leo asked, keeping any lingering pain out of his voice.
"It was a nightmare, I wasn't thinking." Donnie replied, almost to himself. "I wasn't thinking."
"I'm fine, see?" Leo said, sitting on the edge of Donnie's bed.
Donnie didn't answer him but lowered his head and his breathing evened out considerably.
"What was the nightmare about?"
"Nothing, just an old memory." Donnie muttered. "Sorry I woke you guys up, you can go now. Thanks for, uh, waking me up."
Donnie seemed desperate to get them out of the room, but one look at Raph and even Mikey told him that they were all on the same page- this had gone on long enough.
"Who did you think I was, Donnie?" Leo asked again, his voice considerably firmer than it had been.
"No one, it was just a bad dream." Donnie responded quickly.
"Bad enough that you were ready to attack the first person that touched you?" Leo questioned, ignoring his brother's wince at the reminder. "Donnie, we're not leaving until you talk to us."
Donnie gave a faint shiver and uncurled himself and carefully picked his staff back up and placed it beside him, the bladed end retracting into the wood almost immediately and crossed his arms over his plastron.
"When did Master Splinter start your training?" Donnie asked in what Leo could only describe as a dead voice, his eyes on the covers beneath him.
Leo shared a look with Raph, who motioned for him to answer. It was a start, albeit not the one he expected.
"A year after we lost you. He wanted to make sure we could defend ourselves." Leo answered. "He started us on evasive tactics then with weapons and hand-to-hand later on."
Donnie seemed to take that in for a moment, his face still a blank, expressionless mask.
"The earliest thing I can remember is Takeo pressing a shuriken into my hand and facing me off against one of the other younger Foot ninjas. That's how they taught us most of the time, by putting us against one another. If you weren't up to their standards, they made you train with one of the Masters. Sometimes it would be Baron training me, but it was Takeo or Saki most of the time. Karai would help me when they weren't around to help me get the katas down so I wouldn't be punished, but there was only so much she could do when I didn't want to learn"
The others were silent, listening with rapt attention. Even Mikey, who Leo hadn't thought was capable of being quiet for more than a few seconds at a time, was dead silent with a solemn expression on his face.
Raph's hands were balled into fists and fury was visible on his face in every feature.
Leo tried to keep his expression controlled but didn't know how well that was panning out. He hated the way Donnie spoke about it with that emotionless, detached tone. He hated how he still seemed to connect the Foot to himself, like he was still one of them.
"I didn't want to learn how to fight their way. I was arrogant and rebellious and so, so stupid and-" Donnie shook his head at himself and continued before any of his brothers could assure him that he was most certainly not stupid. "I guess I thought that if I didn't want to learn, they couldn't teach me. I didn't realize just how... persistent Saki could be. I was refusing to learn this move because it involved, uh, using a tanto to- I didn't want to learn it and Saki was getting pissed at me and he asked me how I thought I would do against his soldiers, and I told him that I would rather die than learn anything from him."
If Donnie had looked up, he would have seen the proud looks upon Leo and Raph's faces and the gentle one on Mikey's, but he didn't. His eyes stayed glued to the covers that his hands had balled up.
"Later that night, when I was asleep, three Foot ninjas attacked me. Two held me down-" Donnie cut himself off again. "I was so desperate and I wasn't thinking, I just acted and I remembered what Saki had taught me and the one above me had a tanto and I just-"
Donnie was nearly gasping by this point, his words coming out so fast that it was a wonder that his brothers could even understand them.
"I killed him. I wasn't thinking, I just did the move and I wasn't thinking and I killed him." Donnie croaked out. "Nobody was supposed to die, but Saki got what he wanted anyway. I didn't want to kill anyone so I just... I memorized whatever moves he taught me so it didn't happen again. I mean it did, whenever he thought I wasn't getting it fast enough, but not as much."
"D." Mikey whispered, reaching out to touch Donnie's hand but the elder wasn't having it and pulled himself out of Mikey's reach.
"He was no older than we are now, you know." Donnie muttered. "He had a brother, he was there. He hates me, rightfully so."
"No." Leo snapped, his voice coming out harsher than he had meant to. "Don't even think about blaming yourself."
But Donnie merely shook his head.
"He was sixteen and I murdered him because I didn't want to learn a stupid kata." Donnie spat out angrily.
"Don, if you don't stop, I'm gonna smack the green of ya, got me?" Raph asked threateningly.
"Was Shredder mad?" Mikey asked quietly.
Donnie shook his head, a small smile completely devoid of joy on his face.
"No, the opposite. The way he saw it, it was a lesson learned." Donnie responded bitterly. "That's when I started carrying my staff around with me. And locking doors."
Donnie glanced at the now open door from where he sat and Leo suddenly felt very guilty.
"That one's on me." Raph said, a silent apolagy in his tone but Donnie merely shrugged.
"Donnie, listen to me." Leo said slowly, only continuing when Donnie looked up at him. "What happened was not your fault. That's on the Foot who attacked you and Shredder for allowing it. You defended yourself when they acted so... dishonorably."
Donnie didn't respond, just looked down to the covers again.
"Don, you did what you had to in order to survive that hell hole. No one blames you for any of it." Raph assured him in a gruff tone, squeezing his shoulder.
"You're here, D, that's all that matters." Mikey whispered before going to sit on Donnie's other side where Raph wasn't standing and Leo wasn't sitting.
Donnie allowed them a small smile.
"Uh, thanks. I guess." Donnie murmured before clearing his throat. "Really."
"How often do you get those dreams?" Leo asked.
Donnie shifted uncomfortably before sighing in defeat.
"A lot, but it's always different things." Donnie admitted.
"Memories?" Leo asked, remembering their previous conversation.
"Yeah." Donnie responded, but by the look on his face, Leo could tell that they weren't good and as much as he loved that Donnie had opened up to them tonight, he wasn't sure how much he was willing to divulge tonight. But to Leo's surprise, Donnie continued without probing.
"Sometimes they're about training- the Foot's, not yours." Donnie assured them quickly. "Sometimes it's Baron. Or Dr. Roland. O-or the Fishbowl."
"The Fishbowl?" Leo asked carefully, watching the tension rise in his brother's shoulders.
"It, uh, was their punishment for me when I did something really horrible. Like tried to run, or when I fought back." Donnie explained.
"What was it?" Raph asked, eyes narrowed and hands balled.
"It-" Then Donnie froze, confusion taking over the fear on his face. "Actually, I don't know. I... can't remember. I just know that it's horrible."
Leo and Raph shared a look of confusion while Mikey pressed himself more into Donnie's side to comfort him.
"Do you know how many times you went to this thing?" Raph asked gruffly.
Donnie frowned. "No, but it wasn't a whole lot. Roland's exams were usually enough."
He had said it so casually that if they didn't already have their suspicions they might have overlooked it, but as it was, the two eldest tensed at the accidental admission and Donnie froze at the slip-up.
"I'm not getting out of this, am I?" Donnie asked quietly, not looking at any of them.
"No." Raph confirmed.
Donnie began picking at the covers with his fingers nervously.
"He wanted to see how I worked. It's not that often that you get to see how a mutant works, right? He would, uh, do experiments, nothing that would kill me, but enough to appease him." Donnie answered slowly, swallowing.
"And that?" Leo asked, since Raph seemed far too furious to form a sentence at the moment. "Why did he do that?"
Donnie looked down at his wrapped plastron before reaching up to undo the bandage, letting it fall onto the covers beneath him.
Leo sucked in a breath and tried to keep his expression neutral.
The wound hadn't changed much from when he last caught a glimpse of it and he wasn't sure it ever would. It might scar, but Leo hated the idea so much that he knew he wouldn't ever voice it.
Raph had much less control of his emotions. His hands clenched around table before he let go of the now bent piece in his hand and began to shake in fury.
Mikey was silent, which any other time might have been a blessing, but now it only made Leo more worried for his youngest brother and how he was taking all of this.
"Do you remember the warehouse, when I knocked Baron out?" Donnie asked. When they gave him nods- none of them felt up to speaking- he took a breath. "Shredder was... furious about the rats and losing some of the mutagen, so I got hauled to Roland and he, well did that."
"Why?" Leo asked, narrowing his eyes at his brother, who sighed and leaned back slightly.
Leo didn't believe for a second that it was just a scare tactic and his brother's evasiveness had prompted his suspicions.
"Baron was instructed to find a weakness, to uh, to use against you three." Donnie admitted.
The room was silent as the brothers processed that.
Donnie had been punished for their interference- Leo took a deep, deep breath and fought against the anger boiling in his chest. No, he wouldn't think about that right now. He would wait.
Raph was frozen in his spot and Leo knew that if it were possible, his fury would burn the entire room down in seconds. In that moment, Leo was afraid for Roland and Baron because he could see it in his volatile brother's face- the impossibility of forgiveness, of mercy, for either of them.
Mikey had silent tears rolling down his face, but neither he nor Donnie seemed to take notice of them.
"I- I'm sorry, Donnie." Leo whispered, his voice raw even though he had tried his hardest to hide his emotions for the moment. "We should've gotten to you sooner, I'm-"
"Don't." Donnie cut in, a slight smile on his face, and Leo realized that he had said the same thing not long ago. "You don't do that, and I won't."
Leo allowed himself a smile and nodded.
"Do you want us to stay tonight?" Leo asked, fully aware that Mikey and Raph would volunteer in a heartbeat.
Donnie thought it over for a moment before shaking his head.
"No. I actually feel... lighter? Is that a feeling?" Donnie laughed slightly. "I think it actually helped. I... don't think I'll have problems sleeping tonight."
Leo nodded and stood up but Mikey stayed beside Donnie.
"Can I stay?" Mikey asked quietly.
Donnie almost looked like he was going to say no, but then seemed to wilt and nodded.
"If you have another, come get us." Leo told him and Donnie nodded his agreement.
"Thanks. For, uh, you know-"
"We know." Raph cut in gruffly. "Night, Don."
Leo said a quiet good night as well and turned off the light and closed the door.
Once it was shut, Raph immediately headed in the direction of the dojo and Leo didn't have the heart to even attempt to stop him. Right now, Raph was a bomb who's fuse had been nearly lit too many times and needed to let out some steam or the entire Lair was going to feel his wrath.
As for him, Leo's mind was so scattered and he felt so weak that he had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do now, so he went to his room and did the one thing that brought him peace of mind in even the most trying situations.
He meditated until his second alarm went off and even then he didn't think that he was truly at peace, but didn't think he ever would be with that information crawling in his brain.
I'm so sorry I haven't posted anything in a while, I've just been very busy. Hopefully the long chapter helps. I tried to allude to some things from previous chapters but I don't know how well I did with that. Thank you to those still with this, you mean the world to me. Suggestions or comments are more than welcome. Thank you guys so much!