It was seven am and Zoya was parked outside of Alina and Nadia's apartment.
She had been honking without stop for the past ten of those minutes
It did not matter that it was the early morning on a weekend, if Zoya was up and on the warpath, so was the rest of the neighborhood.
Alina had shadows under her eyes and the slouching shoulders of someone who hadn't slept. Nadia had a blue bucket hat with a duck pattern on and oversized sunglasses blocking half her face. The two of them staggered over to Zoya's car.
Alina collapsed in the back seat and immediately closed her eyes. Nadia had buckled herself in, rolled down the window and lit up a cigarette as one of the neighbors stuck their head out the window and told Zoya to "go fuck yourself" for the noise disruption.
"I don't know why you two insist on living in such an unwelcoming neighborhood, I certainly pay you enough to afford some place nicer," Zoya said in her usual snappish manner.
"The neighborhood is fine, Zoya, it's just you they don't like," Nadia replied as she blew smoke out the window.
"Can't imagine why, I'm a delight and that is a disgusting habit," Zoya snapped and snatched the cigarette out of Nadia's hand and threw it out her own open window. She turned left, leaving the neighborhood full of bright and colourful buildings behind and headed for the highway.
"Well it was either this or let you drive me to hard liquor," Nadia said and lit up another cigarette, ignoring Zoya's dirty look.
"Can we please save the bickering for a more humane hour of the day," Alina croaked from the back. "Where are we even going?"
"Road trip," Zoya said curtly and swerved across three lanes without checking her blind spot.
"Where are we going?"
"Kribirsk," was met by groans from both girls.
"That's like three hours," Nadia whined and pulled the front of her bucket hat down over her glasses.
"The enemy has eyes and ears everywhere here, we could be overheard," Zoya insisted.
"Zoya, he's our competition, we're not planning a coup against the government," Alina said. Zoya could feel the eye roll even without turning around. They sped down the highway, the trees a blur as they sped past and the sun rose in the sky.
"I was thinking we could drink bottomless mimosas by the ocean but if you don't want to do that, I can always turn us around."
"Oh captain, my captain, I always knew there was a reason you were our fearless leader," Nadia said with a flash of a wide grin.
Zoya's comrades in arms took the opportunity to catch up on their deserved sleep. Zoya took it upon herself to whack Nadia in the chest the second she started snoring.
"I hope you drown in your damn mimosa," Nadia grumbled when the car was finally parked. She and Alina followed after Zoya as she purposely marched into the establishment and barked her name at the Host waiting at the front.
The restaurant in question was called Djel's Forest, an attempt to introduce Fjerdan food to the Ravkan people, to ease some of the hostilities between the two nations no doubt. The trio followed the terrified young girl who seated them outside and handed them their menus.
Already the air was warming as it approached noon and the sun blazed in the sky. Zoya looked fresh faced and ready to take on the day, while Alina and Nadia were… well, they were awake and that's all Zoya needed them to be.
"Ladies, we need a battle strategy," Zoya announced.
"To replenish the employees we lost, I agree," Alina said reasonably as she scanned her menu.
"What? No," Zoya said, shooting her a bewildered look. "I mean yes, but that's a problem for later."
"You can't mean you were actually serious about trying to put Nikolai out of business?" Alina said, raising her eyebrows incredulously.
"I did, and I am, and you're going to help me," Zoya said. "I want to see that little prig buried in the ground and regretting he ever crossed me."
"Zoya, we don't have enough kitchen staff to keep operating," Alina insisted as she leaned forward.
"And we will find some. But first we need to brainstorm ideas for ruining Nikolai's life–ah here's the waiter! We'd like the bottomless mimosas, and I'll be having the gravlax," Zoya said and handed over her menu. Their poor waiter hurried to write down her order while she impatiently held out her menu for retrieval.
Nadia and Alina hastily placed their orders as well, and sensing the tension among the group, their waiter departed without introducing their dessert options.
"So what's our limit then?" Nadia asked, taking the sunglasses off and placing them over her bucket hat.
"If you've got something illegal in mind, I'd rather not get caught," Zoya said calmly.
"Zoya!"
"Lighten up Alina, it was a joke," Zoya said in that brusque way of hers. Except she was only joking if they were joking.
"For the record, I wasn't joking," Nadia piped up with her hand in the air.
Zoya absentmindedly wound her hair around her claw clip before securing it in place and stared out at the ocean, hoping it would inspire some ideas within her.
"Easy one to start with, we leave his restaurant awful Yelp reviews," Zoya offered.
"Sounds easy enough, I've got a backlog of things I've wanted to say to him to get off my chest," Nadia nodded. She whipped out her phone and made a note to herself.
"I'm going to need some time to think on this one," Alina said, scratching her head thoughtfully. "Since he's been gone, I haven't had a reason to want to set him on fire."
Their food arrived shortly and they dug into their plates with gusto. Zoya enjoyed the way the gravlax melted on her tongue when she bit into it. The Fjerdan's cooked their food so differently from Ravkan's. Different even than the way Zoya liked to cook.
Nadia in the meantime was frowning down at her svartsoppa.
"What's wrong, don't like what you ordered?" Alina asked her in between bites of her own food. Nadia had a pained expression on her face as she searched for the most polite way to describe her feelings.
"It's… not to my taste," she finally said as she tried to keep herself from gagging at the next spoonful she ate. She swallowed it down with a grimace, and then stared at her plate determinedly as if trying to figure out how likely she was to throw it back up. Nadia spooned herself another mouthful and then tried to surreptitiously spit it back into the bowl in front of her.
Zoya watched her chase away the taste with a gulp of her mimosa which only made her gag even harder.
"Shocking that champagne and citrus doesn't pair well with goose blood," Zoya commented drily. The retching continued, drawing concerned looks from the patrons around them but Zoya smiled blandly at them until they turned back to their food.
"Nevermind my food, why don't we talk about the sexual tension between you and Nikolai," Nadia shot back once she'd stopped coughing. Zoya drained her own glass in response.
"Keep those treasonous words to yourself Zhabin," Zoya replied with a narrowed look.
"Actually, I'd like to discuss this as well," Alina piped up eagerly.
"You're both on my shitlist."
"That would mean a lot more if you had literally any other employees," Nadia said sweetly.
"Your hard-on for Nikolai is much more interesting than planning his downfall," Alina said. She clasped her hands in front of her and leaned on her forearms.
"There is no sexual tension and there is no hard-on," Zoya insisted and slammed her empty glass on the table. The couple sitting one table over jumped at the sound and cast her anxious looks before turning back to their food.
"That's not what I'd call that little spectacle you two put on in the kitchen," Nadia singsonged.
"It was practically porn," Alina agreed, nodding her head.
"This is becoming inappropriate for public discussion," Zoya spluttered as she focused on filling her glass with more drink. The way her companions had latched onto the subject matter, she was going to need it.
"We were arguing–"
"Nikolai looked like he was thinking about a lot more than arguing," Alina interrupted with a waggle of her eyebrows. "I would know."
Somehow the reminder of Alina's brief flirtation with Nikolai sparked more irritation in Zoya than the teasing. It didn't bear pondering why.
"He was paying more attention to your mouth than he's ever paid to any of his pastry creations," Nadia went on.
The day had become unbearably hot, Zoya felt herself sweating in her seat. This was ridiculous, if she'd known the sun was going to bake her like this, she never would've suggested the trip. Although, the ocean was only a few meters away so she could always drown herself if it came down to it.
"We have quite derailed from the main purposes of this meeting," Zoya tried to insist but even she wasn't strong enough to stand in the way of Nadia and Alina's romantic delusions.
"I don't know why you're getting so worked up," Alina said with a shrug as Zoya chugged down another glass full of mimosa. "I'd consider adding your feminine wiles to the list of weapons you can employ."
"You want me to fuck him into defeat?" Zoya asked, baffled.
"That's a little crude but yes, I suppose that's the best way to say it," Alina agreed.
Nadia snapped her fingers, her face split in a grin. "That's genius!"
Zoya held up both hands before the two could continue getting carried away. "This plan only works if we assume he wants me."
"Everyone wants you, you twit," Nadia deadpanned.
"And even if he didn't, he's a man, he'd still go for it," Alina went on as she took a small sip of her mostly full glass. She was likely the only one who wouldn't be drinking if she was going to be stuck driving them all back home. The way Zoya was eying her drink, it was unlikely that she'd even be in control of her legs by the end of their meal let alone her car.
"Alina's right, men have no standards," Nadia said, nodding her head. At least they could agree on one thing.
"Let's save that one as a last resort," Zoya said, if only to placate them. She had no intention of ever using her feminine wiles, as they put it, to orchestrate Nikolai's demise. She'd sooner brave prison before getting into Nikolai Lantsov's bed.
"Arson is always an option," Nadia chipped in after a moment of silence,
"No it is not," Alina shot back horrified.
"Maybe that one will be the actual last resort."
"It's not like it would hurt his purse strings," Nadia said with a roll of her eyes. "He's still stinking rich, he can just find somewhere else to put up his little establishment."
"I think the bigger concern is us being arrested," Alina replied sternly just as their waiter showed up to clear out their plates. He paused to look around at the three of them as they all smiled back at him innocently. He hesitated for a moment, and Zoya could see the thoughts rushing through his head.
Were they joking? Were they serious? Was he supposed to report them to someone anyway?
But eventually he seemed to realize he wasn't being paid enough to care and disappeared with a promise to get them their desserts menu.
"What about a health code violation?" Alina mused as she stared off at the shoreline. A seagull squawked as it flew overhead.
"I like that one, what were you thinking?" Zoya asked, leaning forward.
"We could release cockroaches in his kitchen," she said with a shrug. Zoya felt her mimosa climbing up her throat at the very thought of a kitchen overrun with the little vermin.
"We could release rats," Nadia threw in excitedly.
"Absolutely diabolical. Write it down before we forget," Zoya said. Nadia obediently took out her phone and quickly typed it down for future reference.
"Maggots in his meat," Nadia said, a frenzied gleam in her eye. Zoya blanched at the image in her head. Seeing the crazed look in her friend's eye, sometimes Zoya worried she was one inconvenience away from her villain origin story. What else but pure evil would inspire someone to put maggots in a chef's produce.
"Let's stick with the cockroaches and rats first."
"Speaking of, where do we even get cockroaches in bulk?" Alina asked with a thoughtful tap to her chin. Her black hair was escaping from her loose braid and getting in her face.
"I guess we'll have to go hunting for them," Nadia said, scratching at her ear. "How dirty is Mal's apartment?"
"Mal isn't di–"
"Before we start looking through Mal's expired food and unwashed laundry, I suggest we try a pet store," Zoya started before they could get into it. While Nadia took any opportunity to take shots at Mal, Zoya found herself indifferent towards him.
He was a little bland and a lot ridiculous–the man had a compass or something related covering his whole back for Saint's sake–but he hadn't committed any grievous sin. Yet.
Although the choice of the ugly compass as a tattoo on his back probably should've counted as a crime, Zoya mused.
"We could buy them out of all their ingredients," Alina suggested later on. They'd eventually decided on a cake and were eating their way through a massive, uninspiring cheesecake that they'd chosen to share.
It wasn't better than Zoya's own creations, but then again, no one could be as brilliant as she was.
"We don't know their menu," Nadia pointed out.
"Which would be easily solved if we just went over and ate there one day," Alina pointed out through a mouthful of cheesecake.
"I would sooner eat my own socks than patronize that man and if I catch either of you over there giving him money, I'll thrash you in your sleep see if I don't," Zoya threatened although most of it was lost in translation as her mouth was full of food. Nadia and Alina rolled their eyes in unison so the intent was clear anyway.
"I guess that leaves breaking and entering," Nadia said with a resigned sigh.
"Or we could just ask someone to go over there and take a picture of it, you weirdo," Alina said looking at her friend as if she was deranged.
Zoya tapped a finger on the table as she pondered the idea. It was an excellent idea, a little costly, but then again she would have to keep the walk-in fridge fully stocked at the Little Palace anyway so it killed two birds with one stone. The only problem was figuring out where Nikolai sourced his produce and…
"The bastard changes the menu every two weeks, so we'll need to pick when to do it," Zoya threw in with a sigh.
"That's insanity," Nadia stated with wide eyes.
"Yes, that seems to be his trademark though. He said he likes to challenge himself or get the juices flowing or something equally ridiculous," Zoya went on with a roll of her eyes. "We were on some team building expedition when he went on and on about it, I was trying my best to get away from him."
"If you insist on making this more difficult than it needs to be, we're gonna need someone to infiltrate his kitchen and get a copy of his menu," Alina said.
"Mal," Zoya and Nadia said at the same time.
"He finds Mal barely tolerable at the best of times," Alina pointed out.
"Understandable," Zoya muttered to herself under her breath. Alina shot her a disapproving look but let it drop.
There was a prolonged moment of silence as all three of them sat deep in thought, Nadia chugging down her second glass of mimosa absentmindedly.
"Nina!" they said at the same time.
"Good thing she's getting married because then she's got a perfectly good reason to be looking through his stuff," Nadia said, nodding excitedly.
It only took a couple more glasses of mimosa for Nadia and Zoya to completely lose their heads. Alina was left to pay their bill and make sure the two of them didn't wander off and drown themselves in the sea by accident.
Zoya squiggled her feet in the sand by the shore, her sandals in her hands as a cool breeze blew in from the sea to cool down her quickly heating skin. Nadia was a few meters away, arms stuck out to the side as she spun in place, face tilted towards the sky.
Alina's eyes darted quickly between the two of them to make sure one of them didn't run off. After their third glass, Zoya and Nadia had quickly lost the thread of conversation and immediately decided that they were done eating and wanted to have fun.
"We should frame his employees for crimes!" Zoya announced loudly, kicking sand in the air.
The family soaking up the sun a little distance away looked their away at her announcement and then at each other, worried. Alina shot them an innocent smile as she tried to swat the sand blowing into her eyes.
"No we should not–"
"Embezzlement!" shouted Nadia, one hand pinning down the bucket hat on her head as she stared up at the sky.
"Money laundering!" Zoya yelled gleefully. She took the clip out of her hair and shook out her hair. She spread her arms and closed her eyes. For just a brief moment she felt light, free, without the burden of keeping a whole restaurant running with no staff.
"Fraud!"
"There will be no embezzlement, no money laundering, and no fra–ZOYA COME BACK HERE!" Alina shouted as Zoya took off running down the shoreline, kicking through the waves reaching for her toes. The sandals in her hands knocked against her elbow as she waved her hands wildly about.
"Try and catch me!" Zoya yelled gleefully as she zigzaged away from Alina's grasping hands. She let out a shout of laughter while Alina swore from far behind her.
Zoya's joy was cut short when she walked face first into something solid that knocked her to the ground from her already shaky feet. The sandals in her hand were knocked free and landed on her face making her groan. And then she was choking on sand. Brilliant.
"Who put this massive tree in the way," Zoya grumbled as she tried to get her bearings. She tossed the shoes away from her and blinked, the sky above her spinning in her line of sight.
"Sweet Sankt Feliks, speak of the devil and he shall appear," Nadia said. Zoya looked back at them, Alina with a firm grip on Nadia's arm as the two of them stood a few feet away.
"What are you talk–"
"Well well well, if it isn't Zoya Nazyalensky," said a familiar deep voice from above her. Nothing killed a buzz like running into the man who ruined your life.
Quite literally.
Zoya suddenly felt disgustingly sober. What a waste of money on mimosas.
"And drunk on a weekend, no less," Nikolai went on as he gazed down at her, he bent at the waist, hands on his knees as he peered at her. She scowled up at him and stuck her nose in the air.
"I'm not drunk," she insisted.
"Mmm, yes you are," Nikolai said tilting his head. He squatted down and grasped her forearms before Zoya could protest further and carefully helped her to her feet.
She hated every second of it even as his proximity sent her pulse racing. No, Nikolai was right, she was definitely drunk. That was the only way her body would respond like this.
She let him help her to her feet because the world around her was spinning too much for her to manage it on her own. And she let him hand her her scattered sandals because Zoya was fairly certain if she bent over she'd fall face first and never get up again.
"I would've thought you would've been holed up in that kitchen of yours like the workaholic you are," he teased her.
"How dare you," Zoya snapped and shoved him away. Of course the only problem was, the movement sent her wildly tilting and her friends rushed over to grab her before she toppled over again, Nadia less steady than Alina.
"I'll have you know, this was a work trip," Zoya snapped at him a little too loudly. Nikolai shoved his hands in the pockets of his shorts and raised his eyebrows at her.
"Is that so?"
"Yes. You watch your back, we've got a full battle plan to take down your bony ass, biatch," Zoya spat.
"Ha ha ha," Alina forced out, a grin stuck to her face. "She's had like a lot of mimosas. Like, a lot."
"Have not–"
"Alright, let's get you home Zoya, I've got your keys, let's go back to the car," Alina babbled as she steered her drunk friends away from Nikolai who watched them all stagger away. "Nice to see you Nikolai, look forward to seeing you again soon, please forget you met us."
Alina wrestled them all into the car. Nadia promptly fell over in the back seat with her eyes closed and let out a snort. Zoya's limbs suddenly wouldn't cooperate while she was getting into the car and Alina had to wrangle every arm and leg in one at a time and Zoya still hit her head on the way in.
"What you deserve you deranged harpy." Zoya thought she heard Alina mumbling as the girl slammed her passenger door shut. She must've been mistaken however because a subordinate would've never spoken to Zoya like that.
She was drunker than she thought.
The drive back was quiet as Nadia and Zoya drifted in and out of sleep, the car rumbling underneath them.
"You know…" Nadia trailed off sleepily from the back. "He can't cook if he's got no electricity."
"Excellent idea, we should cut the lines in his circuit box," Zoya agreed.
"We are not cutting any electrical wires, you idiots, we could start a fire by accident," Alina replied and rolled her eyes.
"Well let's hear you come up with something then if you're such a genius," Zoya groused, glaring at Alina.
"I don't know… why not like, burn their chef jackets and their hair nets and stuff? At least that's not like… a felony," Alina said in a put upon tone. Zoya pondered the idea for a minute.
"That's actually pretty good, let's add that to the list," Zoya said in agreement.
They dropped off Zoya at her apartment first, they helped her stumble up the stairs to her apartment and carried her up to her fancy apartment. Alina looked around at the gleaming lobby and spotless elevators as they rode them up. The place didn't even look as if people lived in it.
Nadia fumbled the key to Zoya's door as Alina held her up with an arm around her waist, and then the two of them were helping Zoya out of her shoes and into her bed. Nadia was filling up a glass of water and leaving a bowl next to the bed in case Zoya woke up and decided she needed to hurl.
Alina looked down at her boss and best friend and shook her head in disappointment and exhaustion.
Hands on her hip she said, "You couldn't have just told Nikolai to eat shit and moved on, could you?"
Zoya cracked open an eye and looked up at Alina. Eat shit eat shit eat shit eat shit. That wasn't a bad idea now that she thought about it.
"Remind me to pick up laxatives."