Before the race resumed, Edward Nemo was seen in the decorative halls of some regal palace.
"This is the fairy tale kingdom of Purplewood, but it's not like any fairy tale you've ever heard. Fairies are tough and grizzled, dragons are broke as a joke, even the princess is a veteran of a foreign war, but that's another story for another day. Anyway, like most monarchies, the royal family of Purplewood has a summer palace. This highly expensive manor was the eleventh Pit Stop in the Amazing Race.
"The final four teams checked in here at the end of the last leg for a mandatory rest period. This allowed them time to eat, sleep, and mingle with the other teams. Although Anthony and Mercedes were the last team to check in, they were not eliminated, as this was the last non-elimination point. However, they were stripped of all their money and possessions, save their passports, their airline card, and the clothes on their back. Will they be able to surmount these tremendous disadvantages? And can Orson and Roy pull off the trifecta and finish first three times in a row?"
"Orson and Roy, who were first to arrive at 11:59 AM, will depart at 11:59 PM."
The barnyard critters stood at the base of the stairs outside the palace. It was barely twilight, dark enough to require a flashlight. At the assigned moment, Roy tore open the clue.
(ORSON & ROY are first to depart.)
"Circle back to the royal stables…" he read.
Teams must now borrow one of four marked horses from the royal supply, and ride to Purplewood International Airport. Once there, they must book passage on a commercial flight to Laughland, the land of the living laughs. When they land, teams will have to locate this Dangerfield Memorial Park, where they will receive the next clue.
"Three teams will have 60 dollars for this leg of the race, one team will have zero dollars," he finished.
They ran around to the rear of the building. Then, they stuffed 20 dollars into their clue envelope, wrote "For Ant and Mer" on it, and taped it to the stable gate.
"Before this leg," Orson said in a voiceover, "we decided to give the hitchhikers some of our money."
Back on the race, Orson said to the camera, "I hope a dishonest team doesn't steal this money!"
The animals cut one of the ponies from the herd, and escorted it out of the fence before mounting him. Then, riding double, they set off into the night.
Back at the palace…
(VIOLET & KLAUS are second to depart.)
"…From the airport, fly yourself to Laughland, land of the living laughs…" read Klaus.
"Living laughs?" Violet queried. "I don't think I like the sound of that."
"Whatever, let's just go!"
They ran to the stables, and saw where Orson had left some money for the hitchhiker team.
"We should contribute as well," said Violet.
"Look, you can give them a few bucks if you want, I'm going to get us our ride," said Klaus.
She pulled 10 dollars out of her purse and put it in the same envelope. Then, she hopped on the horse with her brother and they departed.
"If only we knew where Patricia the Elf was. She could help us find the airport."
"Huh. The plane from San Ludo landed in the forest. Why didn't they land at the airport?"
"Beats me."
Speaking of the airport, ORSON & ROY had just arrived there.
"See?" said Roy, "I told you that sign was correct! What would the government have to gain by deception?"
"All right, all right, no need to be snippy about it!"
The animals tied up their horse and went inside. It looked pretty much like every other airport, with tourists milling about, hauling luggage, and the like. They quickly found a ticket counter, manned by someone in a suit of armor. He wore no helmet, so his acne-covered face was exposed.
"Can I help you?" he asked, his voice cracking.
"Um, yes, please, we need two tickets on a flight to Laughland, as early as possible."
"Okay, um, I have here a direct flight to Laughland that leaves at 5:29 AM, it will land at 6:45 AM.
"Great, we'll take it, thanks."
(ORSON & ROY – First on Flight #1.)
"Ah, now I can catch up on my beauty sleep," Roy hummed.
Orson rolled his eyes, but joined his avian pal in a quick nap.
Back at the Pit Stop…
(VIOLET & MICHAEL are third to depart.)
"…When you land, locate the Dangerfield Memorial Park to get your next clue," read Violet.
"I have the sneaking suspicion that this leg will be my downfall," Michael muttered.
"You mean our downfall, right?"
"Well, not yours, because you have a great sense of humor."
"Yeah, I have enough good humor for us both! So, what are you so worried about?"
"Hmm, nothing, I guess."
"Then, let's go!"
When the supers encountered the charity envelope placed by Orson and Roy, they were more than happy to contribute.
"It was only fitting," Michael said in a voice-over, "after all, they helped us when we were in trouble last leg."
As they mounted, Violet commented about how it felt like they were back in Peach Town. Quickly, they departed.
Over at the airport, VIOLET & KLAUS were just arriving. They entered the building and booked passage on the same flight as the barnyard critters.
(VIOLET & KLAUS – Second on Flight #1.)
"You know, thus far in the race, we haven't had very many opportunities to play the airport game of trying to find the best flight," Klaus observed.
"You think there might be an earlier flight?" Violet asked.
"It's worth a look around."
They started to scour the airport.
Back at the Pit Stop, the last team departed.
(ANTHONY & MERCEDES are last to depart.)
"Three teams will have 60 dollars, one team will have zero dollars," Anthony read. "You know, I think they gave us too much money this leg."
"You really think so?" asked Mer.
"Yeah, it says zero dollars, but I count at least seven times that much!"
"Well, then we'd better return the difference to the producers, so that we don't get in trouble!"
"Of course! Why with this much extra money, the other teams will be severely disadvantaged!"
The hitchhikers laughed themselves silly on their way to the stable. At the gate, they found a strange envelope with their names on it. Mercedes opened it, and found 40 dollars inside.
"This must have been left behind by one of the other teams. That was mighty nice of them."
"Yeah, sure. Let's go!"
They mounted their horse and rode off.
Time passed. Then, VIOLET & MICHAEL arrived at the airport. They located the same ticket counter and booked the 5:29 flight, certain it was the earliest.
(VIOLET & MICHAEL – Third on Flight #1.)
"Do you think we should look for an earlier flight?" asked Michael.
"Nah," said Violet. "We likely got the earliest one anyway. We should just rest."
"You go ahead and rest if you want to. I'm going to look for a better flight."
"Whatever," she yawned as Mike took off.
Speaking of finding an earlier flight, VIOLET & KLAUS had located another ticket counter from another airline.
"Excuse me," Klaus said, "but could you get us to Laughland earlier than 6:45 AM?"
"Let me see." The ticket agent typed on her computer. "Okay, I have seats available on Eastern Air Flight 986. It leaves here at 4:00, and you'll land in Laughland about 5:49 AM."
"Great, we'll take them!"
(VIOLET & KLAUS – Now on Flight #2.)
While Klaus was getting their tickets, Violet was thinking about Anthony and Mercedes. At they start of the Peach Town leg, she and her brother were broke, but Anthony saved them by paying for their train tickets. Now, the shoe was on the other foot. In that moment, she had an inspiration.
"Could you get us four tickets on that flight, please?" she asked the clerk.
"How come?"
"I have friends I would like to help out."
"Well, sure, I could get you another pair of tickets." The clerk printed them out. "Here you are."
As the Baudelaires departed, the intrepid Michael located the same counter. He ran up to the clerk.
"I need two tickets on a flight that lands in Laughland earlier than 6:45!"
"I'm sorry, the only flight that fits that description has only one seat left. You could have that, if you want it."
"No, that won't do. Sorry I bothered you."
"Oh, it's no bother at all."
About that time, ANTHONY & MERCEDES finally arrived at the airport. They went right to the same counter as all the other teams.
"Can you get us to Laughland?" Mercedes asked.
"I'm sorry," said the zit-faced knight, "all our flights to Laughland are booked solid."
"What's the earliest flight you have to Laughland with at least two seats available?"
"I don't know, let me check." He checked. "Yeah, that's going to be at 9 PM tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Anthony shouted.
"Yes, tomorrow. You want to go ahead and book that?"
"No, don't bother. Come on, love, we need to find another airline."
As they left, they collided with the Baudelaire orphans.
"Hey guys! I've been looking for you!" said Violet.
"Why?" asked Mercedes.
Violet said nothing. She just handed them their boarding passes.
"What's this for?" asked Anthony.
"Let's just say this: 'now, we're even.'"
"Well, thanks anyway."
"Don't thank, run!" Klaus shouted.
He said that because their plane was due to depart at 4:00, and it was currently 3:56.
The four of them ran like bats out of hell, jumping over obstacles, sprinting over moving sidewalks, leaning into turns, and the like. They were all out of breath when they made it to the gate.
"Are we (pant) too late?"
"Nope, you're right on time!"
The group beamed with joy as they quickly boarded the plane.
Back at the gate where Violet P. and her animal friends were napping, Michael hurried in. His heavy footfalls and even heavier breathing woke her up.
"Well, did you find an earlier flight?"
"No, I think the orphans bought tickets for them and the hitchhikers. That means we two teams are in last place."
"Then we'd better make sure we get better seats than those losers. There is no more non-elimination legs, so the last team to check in will be axed. That can't be us!"
"Understood!"
All teams are now flying to Laughland on one of two flights. The earlier flight, to land at 5:49, houses VIOLET & KLAUS and ANTHONY & MERCEDES. The later flight, to land at 6:45, houses VIOLET & MICHAEL and ORSON & ROY. When teams land, they will have to locate Dangerfield Memorial Park to get their next clue.
The earlier flight was delayed slightly due to air turbulence. When it landed VIOLET & KLAUS got off first, ahead of ANTHONY & MERCEDES.
They expected the airport to be decorated with wacky shapes and colors, but it wasn't. There were, however, humanoid creatures milling about, with pinkish skin and large red noses. These strange people were always smiling.
Violet called one over. "Are you one of those 'living laughs'?" she asked.
"Nope! I'm the living embodiment of intestinal gas!" And the guy howled with laughter.
"I guess he is a living laugh," Klaus muttered, barely audible. "Excuse me, could you give us directions to Dangerfield Park?"
"Dangerfield? I can do Dangerfield!" He cleared his throat. "I don't get no respect! When I broke my leg, the ambulance stopped for gasoline!"
"That's very nice, but we need directions!"
"Huh? Oh, directions, right!"
He showed them what route to take.
"Thank you!"
"You're welcome. You know, my ex-wife took the house in the divorce. Did she say 'thank you'? No, sir!"
They didn't stick around for that joke. They were too busy racing.
Ant and Mer had to get their directions from another of the living laughs.
"Excuse me, but we need directions to Dangerfield Park!"
"Huh?"
"I said we need directions to Dangerfield Park!"
"I know, I heard you the first time. That's the trouble with you, all you do is talk, you never race. No wonder you're in last place!"
"Look, are you going to help us or what?"
"Okay, okay, no need to drop the F-bomb on me."
"But we didn't…"
"You will."
He drew them a map to the park.
"Thank you very much," said Mercedes. "You have been most helpful."
"See, they always drop the F-bomb on me."
"What are you talking about?"
"What you just said, 'you F been helpful'!"
Anthony groaned, then pulled Mercedes by the sleeve.
The park in question was within walking distance of the airport, so both teams chose to go on foot. Since they were out the door first, VIOLET & KLAUS were first to arrive at the park.
Once there, they saw a strange wall standing in an obscure place. The wall had six numbered doors in it, each one a different color and pattern.
"Huh, wonder what that's for?" Klaus said.
They saw a series of route markers that directed them to the other side of the wall. Waiting there for them was a female laugh, dressed in a clown suit. Next to her was a small pegboard with six keys hanging from it, lettered A through F.
"Hidulee, hi, you lucky racers! Heeeeeeeeeeere's your next clue!"
"O-Kay, thanks."
(VIOLET & KLAUS are currently in first place.)
"Oh, boy, Roadblock," said Violet. "Who likes surprises?"
The camera shot returned to the six doors, as Ed came out from behind door number 3.
"A Roadblock is a task that only one person may perform, and no person can perform more than six on the entire race. In this Roadblock, that person must select one of six keys, and attempt to unlock one of these six doors. Each key only opens one door, and teams must figure out which is which by process of elimination.
"Once the contestant has opened the door, one of six clowns will appear. One of the clowns holds the next clue; the others all have surprises. If the racer selects a clown with a surprise, they must run back to the pegboard, choose a different key, and try again. Only when teams receive the next clue will they be allowed to continue."
"You have to do this one, Vi," said Klaus.
"All right," she answered. "I'll start with Key C."
She snatched it off the board and ran around to the six doors. Since it was the third key, she figured it would fit in the third door. But when she tried it, it wouldn't unlock.
"Okay, so the producers weren't planing on making this easy."
She tried it in door number 4, and the door unlocked. But when she opened it, the clown sprayed seltzer in her face. She put a hand up to block it, but her face was already soaking wet. When the clown was finished, he shut the door and locked it again.
Violet dried her eyes so she could see clearly. She ripped the key out of the doorknob and returned to the pegboard. When Klaus saw his sister drenched in carbonated water, he couldn't surpress a laugh.
"It's not funny!" she insisted, hanging up the key and grabbing Key F.
"Actually, it kind of is!" he responded.
About that time, ANTHONY & MERCEDES arrived at the clue site. They saw Violet B. getting sprayed with seltzer, and they laughed as well. But, their laughter was short-lived, when they got their next clue and saw that it was the next task.
(ANTHONY & MERCEDES are currently in second place.)
"Um, you like surprises, right, dear?" Anthony asked.
"Nice try, Earthman," said Mercedes. "This one's all yours."
"Fine," he grumbled, grabbing Key B as he left.
Violet tried her key in the first door, and it didn't open. She tried it in the second door, and still no dice. When she tried the third door, it unlocked, but she was hesitant to open the door. She had no idea what was in store for her.
Mustering up her courage, Violet whipped the door open. She saw a clown armed with two aerosol cans, and knew she was in for trouble. She tried to shut the door before the clown struck, but the clown was faster than she was. He stuck his arm in the doorjamb so he could finish covering her in silly string.
Rather than try to comb the substance out of her hair, Violet ran around to the key area and switched her key with Key A. As she did, she got a few laughs from her brother by virtue of how ridiculous she looked.
Anthony tried doors 1 and 2 when he saw Violet getting silly stringed in door 3. Knowing his key wouldn't work on that door, he skipped to door 4, which didn't open. Door 5, however, responded to his key. Naïve as a toddler, Anthony opened the door and stood still. The clown appeared with a whipped cream cannon on his shoulder. He blasted the poor human with a thick layer's worth.
Humiliated, Ant spit out some of the cream that got in his mouth and ran back to the key area. He grabbed Key E, and got laughed at by his girlfriend. Unlike Violet, however, he was a good sport about it.
Speaking of Violet, she tried her key in door 2 first, and for the life of me, I can't tell you why. But it worked, and again, she didn't want to open the door. She turned her feet to the left, so that she would be ready to run, in case she got an unpleasant surprise.
She opened the door, and saw the clown holding what looked like a bazooka. Without thinking twice, she ran back to the key area. She smiled, thinking she had beaten the surprise. She put Key A back and took Key D. But when she looked up, she saw the same clown with the same bazooka right in front of her. Before she could react, he fired his weapon and covered the poor orphan with multi-colored confetti.
"Nobody…skips out on their surprise!" the clown chided.
Violet groaned in protest.
Meanwhile, Anthony had tried every door with his key. He finally came to door number 6, and he knew his key would unlock it. When he opened the door, he cringed, fully expecting something unpleasant to happen. And yet, nothing. He looked to see what was up.
"Congratulations," the clown said, "you have completed the Roadblock. Here's your next clue."
"Oh, thank you!" he shouted. He grabbed the clue and ran back to the key area. He saw Violet there, covered in confetti.
"Hey, Vi! It's this key! Door six!" He tossed her the key.
"Really? Thank you!"
"No problem!"
He gave the clue to Mercedes and she opened it.
(ANTHONY & MERCEDES are currently in first place.)
"Travel by taxi to the IMPROV…"
Teams must now travel by taxi to this comedy club. Just outside the door is where teams can find the next clue. What teams don't know is that Laughland taxi drivers take their fare by pulling practical jokes on their passengers.
"Let's motor!" shouted Anthony.
They ran to the curb and hailed a taxi. They were surprised when one pulled up for them right away. Mercedes got in first, and when she took her seat, a loud and disruptive faux-fart sound pervaded the cab.
"Whew!" shouted the driver. "Girl, what you been eatin'?"
The red-haired woman reached under her seat cushion and extracted a whoopee cushion. "Why am I not surprised by this?" she muttered.
The driver, however, was in hysterics. "Oh, man! Classic comedy like that never goes out of style! I love my job!"
"Whatever," Anthony mumbled, "just take us to the IMPROV."
"You got it, pie-face!"
Back at the Roadblock, Violet had taken the key that Anthony had tossed her and ran around to door number 6. She unlocked the door, expecting it to be a trick, but instead, she received the next clue. Elated, she ran back to where her brother was. They opened the clue.
(VIOLET & KLAUS are currently in second place.)
"You'll find your next clue outside the door," read Violet.
"Hurry!" said Klaus, "We need to make up for lost time."
They dashed to the curb and hailed a cab. As they got in, the driver started to ask questions.
"So, I take it from the silly string and confetti in your hair that you've been to the Wall of Surprises."
"That place has a name?" Violet asked.
"Yeah, the surprises change daily, so you never know what you're going to get. The locals love it. Gum?"
"Hmm, don't mind if I do," Klaus said.
"No, wait! It's a trick!" Violet shouted, but it was too late. It was snapping gum, the kind that releases a mouse-trap-like device on your finger when you pull the stick.
"YEOWCH!"
The driver had his laughs. "They always fall for free food!"
"Man, what was that about?" Klaus demanded to know.
"Oh, don't you know? You pay your cab fare with practical jokes. One successful prank, and I'm honor bound to take you anywhere."
"Cool."
"Hey, if you could, try to pass up that cab in front of us, okay?"
"I'll try."
The driver started to accelerate.
Unlike last time, Anthony was watching the traffic, and saw the orphans trying to make a move on them.
"Speed up, there's another team trying to pass us!"
"Sure thing."
Their driver accelerated. The orphans could not catch them.
"Blast!" shouted Violet. "They must have seen us."
"Ah, well, what're you gonna do?"
While this was going on, the later flight touched down at Laughland International Airport. VIOLET & MICHAEL were off the plane just a few steps ahead of ORSON & ROY.
"Come on, we need to buy a map!" Violet told her partner. "We can't count on these people for directions." And by 'these people', she of course meant the living laughs.
"Excuse me," Orson said to a passing laugh, "Can you give us directions to Dangerfield Park?"
"Dangerfield Park? Of course I know they way to Dangerfield Park. What do you think, I'm some kind of idiot who doesn't know his way around town? My brother was born in Dangerfield Park. Go ahead, say something mean about my brother, like he shouldn't get parole or something."
The animals were dumbfounded. "Um, we just need directions," they managed to say. He did manage to direct them to the park…eventually.
But their opponents, the supers, managed to get out of the airport ahead of them. The animals doubled their pace, but alas, it was too little too late. As they saw Violet and Michael disappear behind the wall, Orson and Roy kept running, hoping that a task there would slow them down.
(VIOLET & MICHAEL are currently in third place.)
"Surprises? I don't like the sound of that," said Michael.
"Me neither," said Violet.
"Well, one of us has to do it."
"Um, you can do it if you want!"
"No thank you, you go ahead."
"Please, I insist."
In the time these two spent arguing, ORSON & ROY caught up and got their Roadblock instructions.
(ORSON & ROY are currently in last place.)
"Roy, this one has your name all over it!" Orson said.
"No, no, Orson, I pull practical jokes, I don't fall for them!"
"Roy, you're doing this one, and that's that!"
"All right, bossy!" Roy grabbed Key D and left.
At this point, the supers decided to settle their dispute by rock-paper-scissors.
"1, 2, 3, Shoot!"
Violet won with rock.
"Ha! I knew you would throw scissors!"
Michael growled in protest as he grabbed Key A.
By this time, Roy had tried his key in door 1, and it opened. But the clown inside didn't do anything. The door had been rigged to deposit a gross amount of chocolate pudding on top of whoever opened it. And since that whoever was Roy, well, you do the math.
As Michael passed by, some of the pudding ended up on him as well. He now knew to avoid door 1 at all costs. He also knew that his key wouldn't open that door anyway. So, he tried door 2. It opened, and Michael was greeted with a faceful of confetti.
Eh, it could be worse, he thought.
At about the same moment, both of them retreated to the key area. Roy took Key C while Michael took Key B.
Meanwhile, out on the street, the cab that carried ANTHONY & MERCEDES pulled up to the comedy club. The hitchhikers thanked the cabbie for the ride, and he sped away. Sure enough, the clue box was right outside the door.
(ANTHONY & MERCEDES are still in first place.)
"Detour," read Anthony, "Nice 'n' Neat or Super Sloppy?"
Ed was shown in the parking lot, while some of the locals threw pies at each other in the background.
"A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. In this Detour, teams must choose between Nice 'n' Neat and Super Sloppy.
"In Nice 'n' Neat, teams will enter the building itself, and take the stage. Once there, they must summon their sharpest wit as they perform an improvisational bit. If the audience laughs, they'll receive the next clue. If they get booed off stage, they'll have no choice but to go back do the other task. This task isn't messy in the slightest, but if teams don't have a good sense of humor, it could end up being a waste of time.
"In Super Sloppy, teams must circle to the rear parking lot, where they will find 350 whipped cream pies. Team members will take turns throwing these in each other's face until the find one of four pies with a clue baked in. Pies may only be thrown when this horn is sounded. This task is very messy, and a little bit embarrassing, but teams who are lucky enough can finish it quickly."
"I don't think I'm that good at telling jokes," Mercedes said.
"Oh, come off it!" said Anthony. "You are the funniest person I've ever meet!"
"True, but, how do we know the audience hasn't meet someone funnier? Maybe there's a comic here in Laughland who can literally kill someone with laughter."
"You don't really believe that, do you? A serial comedian?"
Mercedes paused. "I still think Super Sloppy would be faster."
"All right, fine. Even though I just now got clean from that Roadblock."
As the hitchhikers ran to the rear parking lot, VIOLET & KLAUS's cab arrived. They got their clue quickly.
(VIOLET & KLAUS are still in second place.)
"Super Sloppy sounds like it's faster," said Klaus.
"What?" Violet shouted. "After all the mess I had to put up with at the Roadblock, you expect me to get messier?"
"Okay, if you think it would be better to waste our time telling bad jokes and getting booed off stage…"
"All right, all right! I'll do it, you don't have to reduce it to the absurd."
"Great, let's go!"
They circled back to the parking lot as well. When they got there, they found that Anthony & Mercedes had not yet started.
"We caught up!" Klaus noticed.
Both teams got into position to start, waiting only for the horn. When it sounded, Anthony took his pie like a man. Mercedes examined the empty tin, and found no clue.
"This, little brother, is for taking your sixth Roadblock in Purplewood and sticking me with the one in Laughland!" shouted Violet as she let Klaus have it. She exerted such a strong force, that he stumbled over backward slightly.
"Whoa, take it easy, will you?"
They checked the tin, but no clue.
Back at the Roadblock, it was down to the wire for Roy and Michael.
They both knew that neither of their keys would work in door 1 or 2. Roy tired it in door 3, and it didn't open. Then Michael tried door 3, and it still wouldn't open. Roy tried door 4, and ended up with a face full of seltzer. On seeing this, Michael skipped over to door 5. It opened, and it came with a blast of whipped cream.
By that time, Roy had already swapped his key for a different one. As Michael ran back, he tried door 3, and got nothing. But when he tried door 6, it opened right up. He cheerfully took the next clue and ran back to where Orson was.
(ORSON & ROY are currently in third place.)
"Okay, we need to get a cab," Orson said.
"TAXI!" Roy shouted.
"We have to be on the curb first, Roy."
"I knew that."
As they were leaving, Michael returned from the other side of the wall. In addition to the whipped cream and confetti, he was now wearing a considerable amount of silly string.
"Mike, take this key!" said Violet. She had watched Roy return that exact key and she knew it would lead to the clue.
Michael grabbed the key and ran back to the other side. He tried it in door 6 and got his clue. He breathed a sigh of relief.
"I don't know how much more mess I can take!" he shouted.
(VIOLET & MICHAEL are currently in last place.)
"Come on, we have to make up for lost time!"
The supers ran to the curb and got a cab fairly quickly.
"To the IMPROV, and fast, cause we're in a race!"
"Sure, no problem. I'm Jack, by the way." He stuck out his hand for a shake.
"Nice to meet you," Violet said. As she shook his hand, she felt a surge of electricity run up her arm. The driver was holding a joy buzzer!
"Oh, man, that gets them every time!" he chuckled.
Michael couldn't help but smile.
"What are you smiling about, Mushface?"
"HA!" shouted the driver. "Mushface! I'll have to…or no, wait, that's lame."
Violet didn't cotton to that one bit. "First, you make with the joy buzzer, then you insult my jokes, what's next? You gonna make me sit in mustard?"
"Nope. I already did that."
"What?"
Violet examined where she was sitting, only to find a distinct lack of mustard.
"Made you look!"
"URGH! I never fall for that rookie stuff!"
"Apparently, you do," Michael said.
"Shut up!"
"Okay."
Back at the Detour, the teams in the lead had made zero progress. Together, they had gone through about 30 pies, and turned up squat.
"This is starting to get dull," commented Anthony.
In this moment, he had a stroke of comedic genius. He took the next pie, waited for the horn, and instead of throwing it at Mercedes, he "accidentally" threw it at the back of his own head.
Violet, Klaus, Mercedes, and everyone else gathered saw this, and they couldn't help but laugh.
"Huh, I was doing so well before," said Anthony. "Maybe I need to adjust my backswing."
And they laughed all the more.
"Did you plan that?" Mercedes asked.
"Sort of. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing."
"That was genius!"
"Thank you."
"Wait! The clue! Is it there?"
They examined the pie tin, and found the clue!
(ANTHONY & MERCEDES are still in first place.)
"Make your way to the next PIT STOP!"
Teams must now make their way 15 city blocks to the Laughland Museum of Humor. This shrine of honor to all things funny is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race. There are no more non-elimination legs left, so the last team to check in here will be eliminated.
"I'm not getting in another taxi here," Mercedes said. "I won't have another prank pulled on me."
"So, we're going on foot?"
"Yeah."
As they started to run, Anthony slipped on some loose pie filling and fell.
"Oh, jeez, honey, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, just a little bruised is all."
Once they were gone, the Baudelaire siblings looked at each other with a look of "we have to catch up!" They became focused and determined. But, all the focus and determination in the universe doesn't add up to a hill of beans in a luck-based task.
They were still milking that old comedy staple when ORSON & ROY arrived at the Detour site.
"Thanks for the ride, but we could have done without the snakes-in-a-birdseed-can thing," Roy spouted.
"Well, what would you prefer? Toothpaste cookies, mayhaps?"
"Just go!"
(ORSON & ROY are still in third place.)
"You know, Roy," Orson said, "We might be able to make these people laugh. After all, we made children laugh for seven years on TV."
"Are you sure we can handle an impromptu bit?"
"We'll never know unless we try."
"Okay."
The barn animals ducked inside the actual theater and a few seconds later the next cab arrived. VIOLET & MICHAEL stepped out.
"Hey jackass, do the world a favor and die!" shouted an irate Violet Parr. The driver had been giving her a hard time the entire way.
"Yeah, I don't think I will. I've done the world enough favors for now."
This time, it was Michael who had to hold Violet back.
"Come on, partner, focus. We need to move up a notch, remember?"
"Right."
Violet grabbed the last clue from the box.
(VIOLET & MICHAEL are still in last place.)
"Weren't you just telling me that you have enough humor for both of us?" asked Michael.
"I don't know, I think I'm too angry to be funny right now," said Violet.
"Oh, I get it, it's only funny when it happens to someone else, right?"
"Exactly."
'Well, I'm still reeling from that messy Roadblock, so I'm not sure Super Sloppy is the way I want to go."
"Maybe, but can you act?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
"Neither can I."
Michael sighed. "Fine, we'll do the pie-throwing thing."
They ran around to the parking lot in the back. There, they found the Baudelaire kids covered in pie filling, and they got a bad case of the giggles.
Meanwhile, out on the streets, ANTHONY & MERCEDES were having a very hard time locating the Museum of Humor.
"Didn't that guy say that Second Street was between 15th and 17th?" asked Anthony.
"Yeah, but he was lying. Likely just to make us look like idiots," said Mercedes.
"Are we lost?"
"No," Mercedes said sarcastically, "we know exactly where we're going. We're just wandering around to kill time until the other teams all check into the Pit Stop!"
"Okay, okay! Jeez, what is wrong with you?"
From his love's glare of contempt, Anthony deduced that probably shouldn't have said that.
"I…I mean, I love you?"
"That's what I thought you said."
For the sake of their relationship, they both agreed to drop the issue. They continued to search for the Pit Stop.
Inside the IMPROV, Orson and Roy were quickly put on stage.
"Okay," said the race official, "we're going to play a game called 90-Second Alphabet. During your scene, the first letter of each statement must begin with the next letter of the alphabet, starting with the letter…"
"V!" someone in the audience shouted.
"Okay, V. You'll start on V and come back around to V in 90 seconds. Understand?"
"So, if we succeed at that, we get the clue?" asked Orson.
"No. Whether you succeed or fail is independent of getting your next clue. You must make the audience laugh to progress."
"Okay."
"And the scene you must act out is as follows: Roy is a medieval knight on a quest for some Big Dumb Object, and Orson is the Wise Wizard protecting its location. Start with V, go through the alphabet, 90 seconds, on your mark, get set, go!"
"Verily and forsooth!" Roy began. "I am Sir Feather-butt of…uh…the kingdom of…er…Somewhereton. I seek the…uh…Golden Rutabaga of Walla Walla, Washington."
The audience laughed, as Roy knew they would. The Walla Walla bit gets them every time.
"What arrogance," said Orson, "makes you, Sir Feather-butt, think thou art worthy to retrieve this gilded vegetable?"
Hmm. Need an X-word. "Xavier, the king of Somewhereton, hath sendth to do so."
"Yes, but a royal edict doth not proveth thy worthiness."
"Zip it, pork belly! I shall find the Golden Rutabaga, and you will not stand in my way!"
"Ah, but you are mistaken on that, Sir Feather-butt!"
"Bull!"
"Carest thou not whom I be?"
"Dreadfully sorry, but no."
"Every soul within a thousand feet doth cower before the Wise Wizard of Walla Walla, Washington!"
"For what reasons, buffoon?"
"Gee, I don't know," Orson deadpanned.
The audience roared with laughter.
"Ha, Ha-Ha, Hahahahahaha!" Roy fake-laughed. "You talk a big game, but you can't back it up? Maybe you are not the powerful wizard you claim to be!"
"I am the greatest wizard in the history of wizardry! I could smite thee where thou standeth, with one word!"
"Just try to subdue the much-heralded Sir Feather-butt!"
"KASECHTELUN!" Orson screamed.
Roy shifted his head from side to side. "Looks like your little charm didn't work."
"Many people have said that, few have lived to tell the tale!"
"No offense, but your empty bravado doesn't impress me."
"30 seconds," said the race official.
"Oh, brave knight, you have shown zero fear, and in return, I shall divulge to you the hidden location of the…wait, what was it?"
"Perhaps I should jog your memory?" Roy came to Orson and bonked him on the head.
"Quit it! That hurt!"
"Really?"
"Shut up!"
"Tell me, do you remember the location of the Golden Rutabaga of Walla Walla, Washington?"
"Uh…no?"
"Very well, I shall go back to the king to be killed. La, la, la, la, la…"
The audience giggled at that last joke. Then they applauded, politely. Orson and Roy bowed to the audience and took their next clue.
(ORSON & ROY are currently in second place.)
"…Warning, the last team to check in will be eliminated," read Orson.
"Let's motor, Piggo!"
The critters raced out of the comedy club as fast as they could.
"That had to be so much easier than throwing a billion pies," muttered Orson.
Speaking of which…the two teams there were still working on finding the clue. Out of the 350 pies that were baked, a little more than 200 were thrown, and still, their efforts were fruitless.
Violet Baudelaire, who had been at this longer, was aggravated.
"How long has it been?" she asked through her lemon-coated face.
"Seven minutes," Klaus informed her.
"LIAR!"
"I swear, we have been at this for seven minutes."
Violet B. turned her head and gripped her eyes.
"Are you crying?" asked a race official, visibly upset. "You're crying! Stop that! There's no crying in Laughland!"
"B…but," she stammered.
"Don't you 'b…but' me! There's no crying in Laughland! No matter what happens, there's no crying here!"
"You don't understand!"
"I understand plenty! My uncle got a sixteen-ton safe dropped on his head! Nine times! Did he cry? No! You know why?"
"Because there's no crying in Laughland?"
"Precisely! I know your upset! You've been busting your ass for too long to have nothing to show for it. You're angry, you're tired, you want to give up. But whatever it is, you don't cry, because there is no crying in Laughland! Do I make myself clear?"
Suddenly, Violet B. straightened up. What the race official had to say made a lot of sense to her. Crying about losing wasn't going to make her win. The only way she could win was to stand up and continue. So that's exactly what she did.
"Give me that pie!" she growled.
At the sound of the horn, she let he brother have it. The examined the empty tin, and found the next clue!
(VIOLET & KLAUS are currently in third place.)
"…Warning, the last team to check in will be eliminated."
"We'd better hurry, then!"
They took off at breakneck speed.
Elsewhere on the street, ANTHONY & MERCEDES were finally on the right street…they thought.
"Excuse me," Anthony called out to a living laugh in a Russian outfit, "is this the street where we can find the Museum of Humor?"
"Ah," said the laugh, "you are lucky to be asking for directions. In Soviet Russia, directions ask for you!"
"Yeah, that's great, whatever, can you help us out?"
"Yes, this is the street of the building you seek. In Soviet Russia, building seeks you!"
"O-Kay, thank you," said Mercedes.
No sooner did the hitchhikers leave than ORSON & ROY approached the very same laugh.
"Excuse me," said Orson, "but those two people you were talking to, are they headed to the Museum of Humor?"
"Da, they are, my swine friend. Are you going the same way?"
"Never you mind." And they took off after their opponents.
The laugh mumbled to itself, "Dreamland, what a country!"
The hitchhikers continued to run until they came at long last to the museum. They were expecting Ed and the mat to be outside the front door, but they weren't. So, they went inside. They didn't see anything right away, but they knew it had to be there somewhere.
"You take that side, I'll take this side," Mercedes shouted.
They split up and searched the ground floor, but only for a short while.
"Hey, Mer, he's over here!"
Mercedes crossed the foyer and met her beau on the other side. She saw Ed standing next to another of the living laughs.
"Welcome to Laughland," said the pink-skinned creature.
"Thank you."
"Anthony and Mercedes," said Ed, "you are team number one!"
(ANTHONY & MERCEDES 1ST PLACE.)
"Yes! Whoo-hoo!"
"And you will be one of the three teams racing for a fictional million dollars in the final leg."
"Awesome!"
"How do you feel right now?"
"I'm ecstatic!" Mercedes said. "I never imagined I'd be this close to winning the whole thing!"
"Me either!" Anthony added. "It's wonderful! I thought we'd be eliminated so many times, I lost count! And now, not only are we in the final three, but we're in first place!"
The hitchhikers hugged and kissed and jumped with glee.
"Okay, could you guys step off, I think I see another team coming."
They did, and that familiar pig and rooster stepped onto the mat.
"Orson and Roy, you're team number two!"
(ORSON & ROY 2ND PLACE.)
"Aw, we slipped a notch," Roy complained.
"You will be one of the three teams racing for the fictional million dollars in the final leg. How do you feel about that?"
"I, for one," said Orson, "feel fantastic! That large windfall would really help out around the farm. And we can invest whatever we don't use in the stock markets to generate more money."
"Invest?" Roy asked, incredulous. "Are you crazy? I got three words for you, Piggo: Cadillacs for everyone!"
"Cadillacs?" Now, it was Orson's turn to be dumbfounded. "What are a bunch of farm animals going to do with a fleet of Cadillacs? You know those cars would destroy our crops!"
"With that much money, we won't need the crops!"
"Huh, I never thought of it that way."
Back at the IMPROV parking lot, the super stragglers still hadn't found the clue.
"My face will forever smell like a cross of cherries and pecans," complained Violet P.
"I'm tired," added Michael. He groggily took the next pie. As he did, his partner held back a snicker.
"What's so funny?"
"Oh, nothing," she said, wiping the accumulated pie filling from her face.
At the sound of the horn, Michael threw the pie. It bounced off of Violet's face and landed face down on the ground. Her face remained clean. Well, not clean per se, but you know what I mean. At this, Violet spilled over into a guffaw.
"What?" Michael asked. And then he saw his hand covered in apple cinnamon goo.
HE HAD THE PIE UPSIDE-DOWN!
He slapped his face in exasperation, and didn't realize until it was too late that it was his messy hand. That made Violet laugh all the more.
"Quit laughing, check the tin!" he commanded.
Violet turned over the tin and dug through the filling. She extracted something yellow and black: the next clue!
"Maybe we still have a chance!" she exulted.
(VIOLET & MICHAEL are still in last place.)
"Pit Stop! Let's hustle!"
"You don't have to tell me twice!"
They ran as fast as their legs would permit.
Two teams are still racing, only one will progress to the final leg.
VIOLET & MICHAEL were shown stopping and asking for directions. So were VIOLET & KLAUS. Next, we see Ed pointing in the direction of the coming team. The Baudelaires are running down the street. Now, the supers are dashing into the building. Then, we see the annoying first-person shot of the next team to check in to the Pit Stop.
The camera changed angles, and we see that VIOLET & KLAUS are checking in.
"Violet and Klaus…you are team number three!"
(VIOLET & KLAUS 3RD PLACE.)
"What? What?" Violet asked.
"You are the last of the three teams that will race for one fictional million dollars in the final leg."
The orphans cheered.
"I take it you're pleased with this."
"Oh, of course!" said Klaus. "For most of our lives, we've had to endure a steady sequence of unpleasant occurrences. Winning this race would be the best thing to happen to us since…I can't remember!"
"I'd love to win the race," said Violet, "but I'm worried about what might happen with the fictional million should we win it. I hope it doesn't get lumped in with our family fortune, since that money is frozen. If we did get to spend it, I'd want to get a fantastic lawyer to get Count Olaf off our backs once and for all."
"Sounds like a plan to me."
Another slow, deeply depressing tune played as the supers finally checked into the Pit Stop.
"Welcome to Laughland."
"Thank you," said Michael.
"Violet and Michael…I have good news."
They perked up when Ed said that.
"You are the last team to arrive…"
(VIOLET & MICHAEL LAST PLACE.)
"…and you've both been eliminated from the race."
"Huh?" said Violet. "I thought you said you had good news."
"I do. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO."
Michael groaned at that old joke.
"I'm sorry. It's in my script."
"That's okay."
"I must admit, this breaks my heart," Ed confessed. "I was really rooting for you guys. I was cheering you on the whole way. To last this long in the race, only to miss it by and inch and a half, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy."
"I'm so depressed," said Violet. "I wanted more than anything to win the race. They say being eliminated first is the worst thing to happen to you on the race, but I say being eliminated last is worse."
"We avoided the axe almost daily," Michael mused, "but this time, the axe got us. I feel like there was something more I could have done, something I should have done. I just feel like this is all my fault."
"Don't feel that way," Violet said. "If this is anybody's fault, it's mine."
"You're both full of it," Ed said sternly. "You did your very best, you lasted as long as you could, and that's all anybody can ask of you. You both ran a very good race, you should be proud of that."
"I guess there's a grain of truth to what Ed said," Michael told the camera. "I've never lost at anything in my entire life, so I guess I overreacted. But I guess, by losing, I learned something I never would have known otherwise. I think I heard someone saying something somewhere about how 'winning is easy, but losing is easier.' Yeah, it's a joke, but it's true. I must have forgotten that."
"I don't blame Michael for our defeat," said Violet. "He was phenomenal out there. From catching mice, to enduring that soldier guy, to eating that dragon egg, he surprised me time and again. At first, I thought it would have been better to race with someone from my own family. Now, if I had the chance to do it all over, I'd choose Mike every time."
ON THE NEXT AMAZING RACE: DREAMLAND…
We're down to the final three teams. Only one will walk away a fictional million dollars richer. But who will it be?
"Oh, we're playing to win now!" say ANTHONY & MERCEDES. "The time for mercy is over!"
"We're not holding anything back!" say ORSON & ROY. "It's all or nothing! We're going to leave it on the field!"
"We may be in last place, but that's going to change!" vows VIOLET & KLAUS. "The producer better make that check out to Violet and Klaus Baudelaire!"
If you want to find out who wins the Amazing Race, you had better stay tuned!