And Life Goes On
The hospital waiting room, just an hour before bustling with activity and excitement, boisterous conversation and beaming faces as the unconventional family gathered to await the birth of a new member, curious with anticipation and nervous with uncertainty, now sat silent, no one talking, no one moving, no one reacting. It was a setting frozen in time, the few occupants remaining left in a daze of confusion and pain, worry and anxiety, silent questions eroding away each of their minds, lost in thought. Silently, a fourth member joined their group, hands full of steaming cups of cheap, bitter hospital coffee, handing them out to the others quietly waiting for news, retaking the seat they had abandoned just moments before to go get the hot refreshment, a convenient excuse to escape the monotonous disconnection in the pale yellow, slightly tacky room. Simultaneously, without even realizing it, the four linked individuals, two women and two men, took hesitant sips from Styrofoam cups, their senses not even acknowledging the burning sensation the too-hot beverage left on their tongue.
"Someone has to say something," Seth erupted, startling the other three members of their stagnant group. "We can't just sit here in silence; I'm going insane here, and you all act like nothing's wrong!"
Sighing, Sandy stood up and started to pace the waiting room, scrubbing his tired face with his tanned, ocean-worn hands, never meeting his son's eyes. "Loosing our cool is not going to help the situation, Seth. We all just need to remain calm." Turning to Jane, he looked at her as he spoke, the slight appearance of hope not escaping his audience. "Did you hear any news when you went to get the coffee?"
"I saw Branning in the cafeteria; he was sitting with James and Jimmy. He had just come from Hayley's room, but he said her condition is the same." Standing up, she walked to the windows over looking the late night sky of Laguna Beach before continuing. "Falling in and out of consciousness, disoriented when awake, and her condition is continually worsening. The doctors don't think she'll last another 24 hours."
"And what about Marissa and the baby," Summer shocked them all by asking. Not only was her voice surprising in itself for it was the first time she had spoken all night, but the fact that she appeared concerned for the friend she had shunned, the sister-in-law she had cruelly ignored, made them all turn to her in disbelief. "Was there any new on them?"
"It could still be a little while," Jane answered with a small smile tugging at her thin lips. "She's still only dilated 6 inches. It appears as if Ryan rushed things by bringing her to the hospital so early."
"That's Kid Chino for you though," Seth contributed, joining Jane in her amused moment, "always the over-protective worrier when it comes to Marissa. He's probably driving her crazy right now."
"All first time fathers drive their wives crazy during labor," Sandy chuckled, his eyes clouding over with memories of long ago as he remembered his own experience as a first time father. "I don't think your Mother was ever closer to divorcing me than she was the day you were born, Seth. In fact, I do believe castration was threatened."
"And that's all we need to hear about naked Seth, castration, or anything else involving me and The Kirsten being…..that close," Seth interjected loudly over the tiny peals of laughter his wife, father, and sister-in-law's grandmother were eliciting.
Sitting back down and taking another drink of his coffee, Sandy had to agree with his son. "Yeah, I guess this isn't the best time or most appropriate place for a stroll down memory lane."
"Do Ryan and Marissa know," Summer astonished her companions once again by speaking up, "about Hayley, I mean?"
"Well, I don't know," Jane answered the younger woman honestly. "I didn't say anything, and I don't think her doctors know about what's been going on, so I would imagine not."
"Oy," Sandy sighed, reclining back in his chair, hands once again rubbing his face, attempting to rub all his cares away for good, "they should not have to be dealing with this, not today. She does not need the stress…."
"Especially with her blood pressure," Summer offered insightfully. "What," she shouted, her raised voice catching their attention even more. "I may be a bitch, but I do have the ability to pay attention. I know she's been on bed rest; I know they've been watching her blood pressure closely." As Seth reached over to take her hand in an effort to calm her down, she shoved him away. "Ugh, Seth, do not even start patronizing me right now. I seriously can't handle it!"
Taking control of the conversation and recognizing a woman on edge, Jane interrupted the fight that was about to take place between the young married couple before it could begin. "Summer's right though. Marissa does not need to deal with the stress of knowing that Hayley is….."
"Dying," Sandy finished for her. "There's no sense in tiptoeing around that fact. We're going to have to face it sometime. It might as well be now." Massaging his temples, he posed a question to the others in the room without lifting up his face to look at them. "So, what do we do?"
"We wait," Seth said decisively. "We wait until after she gives birth. We let them enjoy this moment. They'll never get to experience the birth of their first child again, and we're not going to ruin that. We'll remain here, occasionally going to check with Branning or Mom or Grandpa for news about Hayley, and when Ryan comes to tell us about the baby, we'll go with him, make fools of ourselves over it, because that's what happy aunts, uncles, and grandparents do, and then, after they get to be on cloud nine for a little while, we'll gently tell Ryan what happened and leave it up to him as to how and when Marissa should be told." As he continued talking, he noticed the astounded expressions on the faces around him. Shrugging sheepishly, he continued. "He's my brother, and he would do the same thing for me if the roles were reversed." Looking at Summer, their eyes catching each other, chocolate on chocolate, he pushed on, "they both would," and held her gaze until she looked away, tears shimmering and threatening to fall onto her suddenly pale and stricken face.
"So we'll wait," Jane agreed, taking her seat after moving away from the window.
"We wait," Sandy repeated, his tone resolute and final. Always the leader, the control was once again back in his capable hands. Things were no where close to being alright, but at least they weren't quite as lost as before.
Numerous half filled or empty coffee cups littered the small waiting room, the white, institutional, cheap clock continued to tick away, the hour quickly approaching morning, and the four occupants sat divided in space, chairs separating them, but united in their thoughts and concerns. They had been at the hospital for ten hours, sitting, waiting, and worrying. No one said a word; the tv forever emitting the scenes of horror and joy around the world as the news flashed by silently on mute. The oldest member of the group, the soon to be great-grandmother, sat upright in her chair, posture perfect as her great-grandmother had taught her all those years before, her hands neatly folded in her lap, her clothes free of creases and wrinkles. The calmest member of the group, the soon to be grandfather, sat slumped in his chair in an attempt to try and find a comfortable position to relax, his eyes closed though not sleeping, the anxiety he felt hidden away from the rest of the world behind his lowered lids, his breathing steady, regular, dependable just as he was. The most ashamed member of the group, the soon to be aunt, sat with her head in her hands, her hair falling around her face to shield her silent tears from her husband and his family, her petite body slightly trembling in despair. The jumpiest member of the group, the soon to be uncle, sat in his chair in a variety of positions, his nerves making him move and shift constantly, his right foot bouncing continually as if someone was pulling it with a sting, his untied shoelaces clicking against the linoleum floor with every subtle movement. Just the clock and shoelaces, both shockingly loud in the otherwise silent room, broke through the defenses those waiting there had put around themselves, keeping them aware that this was no nightmare; this was their reality.
"A girl," Ryan shouted as he ran into the waiting room, his scrubs still on, "Marissa was right; our baby was a little girl. I have a daughter." As he continued to ramble, the bright morning sun beating through the small, slightly dirty confines of the hospital windows, those who had just fallen asleep in the room out of sheer exhaustion shook the sleep from their stiff and cramped bodies, eager to hear the good news….any news at that point. "And they're both perfect, absolutely perfect," Ryan continued. "Marissa's awake, barely, while our daughter is in the nursery. They're smiling, and happy, and content, and so beautiful," he exclaimed passionately, not caring that the dopey grin on his face or proud, ecstatic tone in his voice completely betrayed the usual tough, emotionless exterior he displayed to the world.
Without waiting for a response, he left the room believing they would follow him but not really caring if they did, because he not only didn't want to be away from his girls any longer; he couldn't be. Scrambling to catch up to the man practically sprinting in front of them, the four family members, suddenly wide awake, made their way down the brightly lit hallways until they came to a stop outside of the nursery. Coming to stand by Ryan as he stood in the window to watch his daughter, Sandy to his left, his arm proudly finding its way across the younger man's broad shoulders, Seth, Summer, and Jane to his right, the group looked on as baby girl Atwood fell asleep soundly, not bothering to stay awake for those wishing to see the blue eyes that combined the hues of her parents' perfectly.
"There's no name listed," Jane realized, turning towards Ryan, the obvious question evident from the four words she already uttered.
"We weren't sure what to name her yet," Ryan confessed, his eyes never leaving his daughter. "It's narrowed down, but we thought we'd ask Hayley what she thought about the middle name. After all, she's been there every step of the way with us."
"What do you mean," Sandy asked confused.
Answering him quickly, Ryan said, "Oh, she found out months before anyone else, the little sneak. She showed up one day unexpectedly and unannounced and caught Marissa and I painting the nursery. There's no real way to hide that."
Laughing, Seth responded, "she's always had freakishly good timing like that." Curious, he pushed on. "Tell us more though, dude; give us the baby stats."
"She was 7 pounds, 13 ounces, 20 and ½ inches long," Ryan answered him, "and before you ask, we have no idea who she looks like." Chuckling he continued. "Marissa and I have already argued about it. She says she looks like me, but I'm convinced she looks like Marissa."
"Herself," Summer spoke up, making Ryan realize for the first time that she was even there. "She just looks like herself, her own, individual, unique person."
Feeling a connection with his sister-in-law for the first time in months, Ryan merely nodded, a small smile of accord being shared between the two. Breaking the moment, he stepped away from the window to look around him, expecting to see the rest of his family waiting for their turn to ooh and aww over his daughter, but was surprised when no one was there.
"Where is everyone," he asked naively, the grin on his face swiftly fading. "Where's Branning, Kirsten, Zoe and Hayley; hell, even Caleb's here, right?" When no one answered him, their eyes averting to the various corners of the hall, he continued to question them. "What's going on? Why aren't they here? They should be here; they would want to be here." Suddenly realization set in. "Something happened, didn't it?" Still there was no answer or even an acknowledgement of his queries. "Someone better tell me what happened right now!"
Finally, Sandy, turning to face the younger man, revealed their secret, his eyes sorrowful and apologetic. "It's Hayley, Ryan. Things they…..they don't look so good."
The bubble of joy and bliss had been ruptured; the lazy lull of a content, peaceful silence had been interrupted. Gone were the feelings of giddiness and exhaustion first time mothers feel after giving birth to be replaced with a searing, blinding sense of pain and heartache. Marissa was no longer in her dream world where just she, Ryan, and their little, innocent, wonderful baby daughter lived in a mist of merriment, but, instead, she was in her worst nightmare, trapped in a world where birth was overshadowed by death, where elation was replaced with sadness, where celebration would be replaced with mourning.
She had sat in silence, refusing to break down or say a word after Ryan had told her that Hayley was, barring a miracle, dying, that the day of their daughter's birth would also be the day of her best friend's death. Thoughts rushed through her tired and dull mind at a frightening pace. Her daughter would never know her great aunt. Hayley would never get to tease her about her boyfriends, take her shopping, embarrass her in front of her friends, or see her eventually, someday, have a daughter of her own. They would never again spend a lazy day on the couch together, eating junk food, watching cheesy movies, playing ridiculously childish games, or giggling endlessly over secrets and gossip. Their whole family would never be the same again.
"I need to see her; our daughter needs to see her," Marissa said abruptly, meeting Ryan's eyes for the first time since he broke the news to her as gently as he could. As she went to awkwardly climb out of the bed, wincing as the pain from just giving birth swept over her body, an audible groan escaped her lips as she struggled to make her tired limbs work.
"What do you think you're doing," Ryan gently chided her, jumping forward to lift her up effortlessly in his arms. "You can't walk, Marissa, and I'm not letting you go anywhere. You just went through almost twelve hours of labor!"
"Put me down, Ryan," she demanded struggling, in vain, to free herself from his grasp. "I don't care what I just did; this might be my last time to see Hayley." Noticing that he was relenting, she continued. "This might be our last time to introduce our daughter to her great aunt. I have to….we have to do this."
"Alright," he agreed with a deep sigh. Placing a kiss on her brow, he lowered her to her bed, pulling the comforters up despite the look of confusion upon her face. "Give me ten minutes to talk to the nurses, let them know what we're doing, and to get the baby. Until I come back though, with a wheelchair, I want you to rest." Their hands remained clasped together even as he walked away, only separating when neither could reach each other any longer. Refusing to cry, at least not yet, Marissa hastily wiped away the lone tear that tricked down her pale, apprehensive face, the anger she felt over being so helpless in the situation taking over as an infuriated scream shook her whole frame. It was raw, irrational, desperate, but it was a release.
True to his word, Ryan returned to her room ten minutes later, their daughter secured safely in his arms as a nurse pushed a wheelchair behind the father and child pair. Leaving the family alone, the nurse exited the heavy, oppressive room full of dread, sympathy for their situation written clearly across her brow. In order to lift Marissa out of bed to put her in the chair, Ryan handed their little girl to her before picking her fragile body up and placing her back down again in the wheelchair. Before leaving the room, he kissed her delicately on the lips, their embrace conveying their silent support for their spouse. Words were not necessary between them; they both knew how the other felt.
Hayley was unconscious when they reached her room. While Caleb, Zoe, and Branning sat outside in the hallway, Zoe sleeping across both of their laps, Kirsten was in the room with her sister, holding her hand the entire time. Always the pillar of strength, she refused to cry, simply believing that the doctors were wrong, that her baby sister was not dying. She was startled when Ryan and Marissa entered, but smiled for the first time when she saw what or more like whom Marissa was holding in her arms. There was nothing they could do except wait for Hayley to wake again, if she would, so, as the minutes ticked by, the strain of the situation taking a toll on Marissa's weary mind and body although she refused to leave and sleep, the three adults spoke softly in hushed whispers about the new addition to their family, admiring her while she slept soundly in her Mother's arms, as another member of their family slipped closer and closer to leaving the world forever.
"Wait," Kirsten exclaimed an hour later, staggering the new parents with her sudden strength of voice, "you never told me her name."
"It's Orianna," Hayley answered for them, making them all jump in surprise and turn to face her.
"What…..how," Ryan stuttered out completely baffled as to how she would already know that. Marissa hadn't shared their idea for a name and he knew that he hadn't.
Struggling to breathe, she continued, laughing to their utter surprise. "I peaked at your list yesterday when Marissa was taking a bath and Ryan was at work," she confessed.
Smiling and turning her eyes to her granddaughter, Kirsten remarked, "it's beautiful, but I've never heard of it before."
"It means golden or dawning in Latin," Hayley explained, each word she spoke draining her of the little life she had left. "Just like her room," she continued, her eyes closing in pain as she struggled to suppress a wracking cough. Before she could say anything else though, Kirsten cut her off.
"Would you quit talking; you're going to exhaust yourself," she scolded, standing up from her chair beside Hayley's bed to straighten and tuck in her blankets. "You're going to need all your energy to focus on getting better." Her eyes avoided those of her sister's, eyes which told that they knew the truth, that they knew they were dying, but Marissa noticed the aggrieved expression on her best friend's countenance when Kirsten said that and stepped in.
"Kirsten," Marissa said gently as Ryan pushed her closer to the bed. "It's okay. Hayley knows." Those simple words were Kirsten's undoing. Excusing herself quietly, she escaped into the hall to let her tears fall freely as she went to find the rest of her family to let them know that Hayley had awakened if they wanted to say their final goodbyes.
"Would you like to hold your great niece," Marissa asked the dying woman before her, a tender smile caressing her wise and exquisite face.
Taking his daughter from his wife's arms, Ryan carefully handed her to Hayley, speaking only after the baby was safely in her arms. "I'd like you to meet Orianna Hayley Atwood," he said with a simple, secret glance at Marissa, her eyes agreeing to his idea for a middle name, the very thing which had been keeping them from bestowing their daughter with a name before.
"I think she looks like me," Hayley joked, making Ryan and Marissa laugh with her as they both thought to themselves what a truly amazing person they were sitting with. No one else faced with the idea of dying long before they were supposed to could laugh in what very well could be their last few minutes, but Hayley did. "You guys," she continued in a whisper, her voice as loud as she could make it, bringing Ryan and Marissa's attention back to what she was saying, "she's absolutely perfect."
"We think so, too," Marissa confessed, taking Ryan's hand in her own, needing to feel him close to her. Choking back a sob, she sat there mesmerized as she watched Hayley tilt her head down to speak to their daughter so quietly neither she nor Ryan could hear what she was saying, the words of wisdom she was offering meant only for her great niece's ears. Moments later, her eyes tightly closed to keep her emotion and pain at bay, Hayley kissed the little, sleeping girl in her arms one last time before settling back into her pillows. It was as if her heart was filled to capacity, as if it would be impossible for someone to feel any more love in that moment, for it stopped completely never to beat again. There, in a hospital in Laguna Beach far from the exotic locales she had explored and quaint villages she had traveled to looking for a piece of happiness, Hayley Nichol finally found the unconditional love she had been searching for her entire life the very moment her life's journey stopped forever.
Marissa awoke abruptly. It had not taken long for her to fall asleep after she, Ryan, and Orianna had left Hayley's room. She was utterly exhausted, and seeing that, Ryan had gingerly held and comforted her until she fell asleep not wanting to hurt her sore body. Sometime after she had fallen asleep, he had relocated to a chair beside her, and now, as she opened her eyes in the pitch black room, knowing that someone else was in there that shouldn't be, she could hear him, oblivious to the rest of the world, snoring softly beside her. Reaching her hand out, Marissa felt the portable incubator her daughter was lying in, reassured that she was safe, but that still didn't tell her who was there standing in the doorway, their shadow from the light behind them casting not only a gloom but doubt over her tired eyes.
"Who's there," Marissa called out softly, expecting an immediate answer. When she didn't get one, panic started to set in. "Tell me who you are right now or I'm pressing the call button," she warned, her left hand moving towards the remote while her right went to her daughter. No other voice would have flabbergasted her more.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten or worry you," Summer apologized quietly, her eyes refusing to meet the woman's across from her as she stepped further into the room and let the door shut behind her. "I just….well….I wanted to see the baby," she finally whispered. Marissa could hear the hesitance in her voice. "If it's a problem, I'll just leave now." Before she could take a step towards the exit, perhaps walking out of Marissa's life forever, her voice rang out confidently stopping Summer in her tracks.
"I'd like that," Marissa told her, repositioning her body so that she was sitting up in the bed. "She's sleeping now, but you're more than welcome to hold her. I needed to feed her again anyway," Marissa continued to talk as she noticed Summer relaxed some the more she rambled.
As she picked up the sleeping baby and held her in her arms, at first tentative but then, within seconds, her embrace softened as the baby seemed to melt into her body, a smile graced Summer's face, a real, genuine smile, perhaps the first one in months. "I can't stay long," she confessed. "My flight leaves in a couple of hours and I still need to go back to the hotel to pack my bags."
Confused, Marissa asked, "flight?"
"Yeah….I'm, um….I'm going to enter a therapy program….in San Francisco," Summer confided softly. "It's far enough from home that I can get away from all my baggage and pain, but yet still close enough that I won't feel completely separated from those I love. Plus, Zach and Sherry are in San Francisco, so they'll be able to visit me."
"What about the funeral and Seth, your husband" Marissa inquired, shocked at what she was hearing. "I mean, you can't just leave. People need you here."
"I'll be back; I want to come back….when I'm better." Breaking down, she explained. "It's like something is shattered inside of me, and no matter what I do, I can't fix it. If I want to save my marriage, if I want to be able to be there for the people I love, I have to learn how to love myself first." Wiping away her tears and laughing slightly at herself in a self-deprecating manor, she continued. "Ugh, I told myself I wouldn't cry, but after everything that's happened these past 24 hours between Hayley dying and Orianna's birth, my strength is shot. But I'll be home for the funeral," she finally answered Marissa's original question. "I'm flying up this morning to get settled in, and I'll be back down in two days for the service. I haven't been there for Seth in well over a year, but I will be there for him at Hayley's funeral." Handing the baby back to Marissa, Summer went to leave, but stopped before she walked out the door, turned around, and began to speak once again. "Thank you….for letting me hold her. I hope," she said, audibly choking back a sob, "that, someday, you'll let me be a real aunt to your daughter. She's amazing, Marissa."
"I wouldn't have it any other way," Marissa replied softly. Grinning at the unsure woman in front of her as she was about to leave the only home she had known her whole life in order to heal her broken heart, she added. "She's going to need her aunt just as much as I think her aunt needs her."
Summer nodded, a large smile taking over her face as well. "And sorry," she spoke earnestly, "for everything."
"There's nothing to be sorry for." And with a small wave and one last smile towards the baby waking in her Mother's arms, Summer walked out of the hospital room finally able to breath for the first time in almost two years.
"As far away now as you ever were,
bones and a little skin.
Now rain intercedes, clouds pull back.
As far away as when you were in Georgia,
living in that broken-down house.
John there and Pat, and loud music."
Her voice rang out loud and true, conveying a sense of honesty, pride, and love to those in the small, intimate church. With her daughter in her arms, she read the final eulogy, a poem she had found in a children's book while pregnant, while the pall bearers carried the rich, mahogany casket out of the chapel and to the waiting car outside, her husband one of them. She had meant to read it to her daughter after she was born one night while she rocked her to sleep, but as she contemplated what she should read at the service, her mind kept coming back to the hauntingly beautiful poem she had read months before that had always reminded her of her best friend, her husband's aunt, her daughter's great aunt.
"Your voice lost somewhere in Colorado.
Your legs went fast uphill in California.
What was it like there?
You never said.
Rain swept along the eaves and gutters."
Scanning the front row, her eyes ran across the women of her immediate family, Kirsten, her mother-in-law, who was devastated, sat rigidly in her pew, her arms securely around her daughter, Zoe, sun glasses hiding the dark, sleepless circles underneath her tear filled, red rimmed eyes, and Summer, her sister-in-law, who had tears steaming down her face, the grief she felt evident, but, thankfully, her eyes were not as haunted as they had been the past year. She was finally starting to heal. Both women and the small child were all impeccably dressed, their designer clothes and expensive jewelry hiding the poor, miserable state their hearts were in.
"Into some other place you are gone.
No phone reaches you now.
The busy signal of the bees means you are gone.
Sun waking through trees, across a million miles,
means your chair is empty."
The men she loved past silently by her and the sleeping baby in her arms, her husband, her brother-in-law, her father-in-law, her grandfather-in-law, and her friend, all helping to take her best friend to her final resting place. Their black suits were practically identical in style and design, but the facial expressions that went along with them were not. Each displayed their own level of mourning, ranging from stoic and strong to emotional and falling apart, but she knew that they all had all loved Hayley in their own, special way, and that their lives would forever be different without her in it.
"A book you read once
has flopped back closed,
the last of your breath seeps out
between its pages."
The other people faded into the background of the congregation, the friends, the close business associates, the distant family members. They had all come to pay their final respects to a woman many of them had scorned in the past or to the powerful, wealthy family they feared. She hated that they were there, cheapening this final goodbye to her beloved friend, but she read on, her misty eyes skimming over the words slowly, giving them the deference they deserved, honoring the woman she would miss with all her heart the best way she knew how.
"You are gone.
Your bone sticks in the ground.
Your shadow has fled from the open spaces,
to creep back under a bush.
The last of your laugh in a room
has swirled with water down the drain.
Still are you with me,
and to the ends of the earth."
The last words echoed throughout the old walls of the church as she stepped down from the pulpit and made her way down the aisle, joining the women of her family as they exited first, moving, bonded together in their grief, as one, towards the men in their lives seeking comfort, love, support, and understanding. Taking a deep breath of fresh air as she stepped outside, Marissa made her way to her husband who was waiting by their car holding the door open for her. Just as she approached them, Orianna woke up, her sapphire eyes locking with those of her Mother's. Silently, Ryan wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him tightly, his lips kissing her hair gently, as the three of them, their family, stood there together, perfectly connected as one for that moment in time.
Looking up into Ryan's eyes, Marissa softly said, "and life goes on," as they got into their car to drive to the cemetery. Their lives might never be the same again; Newport, without Hayley Nichol would never be the same, but they had each other, and that was all they needed.
A/N: Just a few quick words. For one, thank you to all of you who have taken this journey with me, read this entire tale as I wrote it. Your comments over the past ten months have been greatly appreciated; you have no idea how much. This has been a real learning experience for me, writing this story, not to mention good practice. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I must admit this is bittersweet, ending this, because it was my first fan fiction ever, but the time has come. It needs to end. For those of you who like my stories, I'll have plenty to come in the future. In fact, there are three new fics planned and one little ficlet that will stem from a one shot that many requested be continued. Which one, I'm not sharing. LOL Finally, in closing, just in case anyone was curious, the poem I used was "Notes" by Greg Kuzma.
Thanks again,
Charlynn