Decision

When the full realization of what was going on inside of her body hit her, Abby was consumed with emotions and raw physical feelings. Back and forth. Reeling. Fright. Energized. Stupidity. Anger. Nausea. Sleepy. Tingling. Hate. Fleeting moments of wonderment. Insomnia. Exhaustion. She went through them all. Many times. Hour after hour.

She went about her usual activities. Work. A little tougher now to handle those newborns and think that maybe...maybe they could... She thought about telling Richard. Hundreds of times. Always...always that thought was followed by the look on his face as he watched her in the bathroom. Good. He'd said it. Good...when she told him she wasn't pregnant.

They were working odd hours and never seemed to see each other as the next couple of days slipped by. She came home from the hospital one day to find him on the telephone. He was stretched out on the couch with his feet on the coffee table. She swatted them down playfully and he straightened and shifted uncomfortably as if he hadn't expected to see her. His eyes met her's and he held up a finger as he finished the conversation quickly. Abby sat on the coffee table in front of him and waited.

"What's up?" she asked as he hung up the telephone.

"Medical convention in St Louis," he said. "I was just confirming my travel plans."

"Oh," she said as she leaned forward to kiss him. "When is it?" She frowned and studied a small discolored spot on his cheek. Richard cringed a bit under her gaze and swiped his hands over his face. He stood up and moved carefully toward the kitchen door.

"I'm flying out Thursday night and I'll be back on Sunday," he said. "You're working this weekend, aren't you?" Abby shifted and crossed her legs. She was still wearing her pink scrubs from the hospital.

"I could get it off, if you wanted me to," she said. "I could go with you." Richard grimaced and shook his head.

"Naw. It wouldn't be much fun for you," he said. "Go ahead and work." He turned into the kitchen. She frowned a little and followed him there. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out some lunch meat and bread.

"I thought we could go out tonight," she said as she leaned against the door and folded her arms across her chest. "Maybe get some pasta at that little Italian place? It's been a while. It would be nice to talk." Richard shook his head and pulled a plate out of the cupboard.

"I'm really beat, babe," he said. "I just want a sandwich and a couple of hours of mindless television. Wanna watch a movie with me?" Abby shrugged and nodded. She was disappointed. She watched his back as he finished making his sandwich and carried his plate to the door. He stopped and looked at her and she realized suddenly that she was blocking his way. She smiled up at him and he bent unsmiling to press a fleeting kiss to her cheek. Abby stepped aside and then sighed when he sat down on the couch and she saw that he'd left everything on the counter. Everything for someone else to clean up.

They watched a movie that he was enjoying more than she was so she went to bed early. She slept fitfully. Too much going on in her head. Babies being born. Crying. Maggie. Huddling in a closet with Eric when they were little. Keeping safe from Maggie during one of her rampages. Bathing her depressed and unresponsive mother in the bath tub. Worrying for months with no information about Maggie's whereabouts. Richard... .poised over her with a sneering smile on his face and the blue sky and sun behind him. Dressed in a tux at their wedding. So handsome. Dancing wildly hand in hand with Maggie in front of a mural they'd painted on the living room wall. Depakote. Lithium. Pills and pill bottles spilling through her open fingers and bouncing on the floor around her feet. Maggie's face, seemingly larger than life and laughing at her. 'Your babies will be just like me...wait and see!' Depression... depression... depression. Her mother in law's voice echoing...'my grandmother was prone to depression and so was my mother'...my mother...my mother...my mother...

Abby sat up in bed suddenly and was gasping for breath. She was bathed in a cold sweat. She looked around for a moment and didn't realize where she was. It was dark. Richard was stretched out beside her on top of the covers on the far side of the bed. She turned to read the numbers on the alarm clock. Three a.m. She closed her eyes and battled to still the nausea that was swirling in her head and stomach. She swung her legs quickly over the edge of the bed and hurried toward the bathroom. She flipped on the light and shut the door carefully. She barely made it to the stool and landed on her knees. She hugged the toilet bowl and puked quietly again and again. When she was finally able to, she wiped her mouth on a bit of toilet paper and flushed the toilet. She sat back on her bottom and leaned back against the wall. She stretched her pajama clad legs straight out in front of her and gazed down at her still flat stomach. She slipped the pajama bottoms down below her navel and pressed her hands against her bare skin. She carressed her belly gently as a huge sob began to grow in her chest. It threatened to choke her and she bit her lip to still the noise. Tears began to slip down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered softly to her belly. " I am very, very sorry. I can't do it." She sat there for a long while with her hands moving protectively over her belly and her head back against the wall.

A little while later she switched off the bathroom light and made her way silently back to their bed. She slipped under the covers and nestled her head into her pillow.

"You really need to see someone about this flu, Abby," Richard said quietly. "You can't seem to shake it."

"I'll make an appointment tomorrow," she said. "I'll take care of it." She waited for him to respond. Was he really that oblivious to what was happening to her? She felt him turn on his side away from her and pull the covers over his shoulder. She sighed slowly and closed her eyes... but sleep wouldn't come.